Thanks to all for the welcome comments, it's nice to know that my effort is appreciated, so…thank you, thank you, thank you!
I was asked about the meaning of the title. In the Italian version of episode 8 series 2, the phrase "just a glimpse" is translated as "even just for a moment". I don't know if in English it actually makes sense, in Italian it does… I'll consider changing the title.
Remember that all rights belong to Buffalo Pictures and that I'm just playing with my imagination.
At this point we return to immerse ourselves in the series, of which I give a brief summary, and then jump to the last episode, after the kidnapping of Martin.
Enjoy the reading!
BRIEF SUMMARY OF SERIES 7
A week before school resumed, Louisa and James returned to Portwenn. She told her husband that she was looking for an apartment, hoping that prolonging the separation would help them find a way to salvage their marriage.
Martin, who had just started seeing Ruth's suggested therapist, was shocked by her decision and not at all convinced that staying away would help them.
He suffered the situation, insisting on giving her their house and moving into a small and very uncomfortable cottage near the Platt.
At Dr. Timoney's request and despite Louisa's initial misgivings, they both joined the therapy.
Between "homework", confessions and the usual misadventures, their problems seemed to find no solution.
At one point Danny also got in the way, who subtly tried to drive a wedge between the two and to take Louisa back in vain...whose heart, however, still belonged to her husband.
Although the distance made both suffer, the misunderstandings seemed to increase to the point that the doctor suggested that they consider a definitive separation. Neither of them felt relieved and they decided it was time to make a decision about their marriage and future.
At the dinner organized at the house to discuss it, Martin surprisingly did not show up. Louisa looked everywhere for him. She did not sleep and waited all night. In the morning she alerted Penhale and they went looking for him.
He had been kidnapped by a woman and her son, the Wintons, who wanted a more precise diagnosis of the conditions of her husband and his father.
They found him, and after a series of daring vicissitudes, they saved him.
Watching the helicopter take the sick man away, Martin and Louisa talked and concluded that they wanted to be together. Everything else would settle down.
Crouched in the seat next to Martin, she was enjoying this moment of relief in silence. She was feeling tired after a night of worry and after the strange adventure they had been involved in despite themselves. It had all ended well, yet she felt a sort of disturbance. She sensed a sense of change in herself… as if it were the final event of a long process that was finally taking shape in her thoughts.
She turned to look at him…serious and focused on driving. His eyes were tired…his body tense. She felt a strong desire to hold him close. Who knows what it was like for him to find himself hostage to a stubborn old woman and her simpleton son… who knows if he would ever actually tell her. He just wasn't capable of sharing what was on his mind and, perhaps she was realizing it for the first time, it was a trait about him that was unlikely to change.
Those two fools who had kidnapped him, the Wintons, were certainly not criminals and were theoretically motivated by good intentions, but in such cases something could go wrong at any moment and turn into a tragedy. She shuddered at the thought that she might as well lose him forever.
She reached out a hand to the nape of his neck to gently stroke his hair…as if to be sure he was there next to her…and felt his tension partially melt away.
He turned to look at her for a moment, but quickly returned his eyes to the road. His expression was more relaxed now.
"I'm sorry I missed our dinner last night."
"It wasn't your fault, Martin."
«No, but…I'm sorry anyway. It was an important moment for us…for our future." awkward, he cleared his throat.
Louisa sighed and, smiling, slid her hand up his forearm.
«Perhaps…» she conceded «Or perhaps we also needed this experience, as potentially dangerous as it was.»
He looked at her again briefly. He hoped to understand what was the wife's feeling at that moment… to understand what intentions she had for the two of them, but… apart from her look that seemed kind to him… he wasn't at all sure what was going to happen. He was absolutely certain that he loved her and wanted to be with her…just as he was certain that he didn't deserve her and that he was totally incapable of expressing his feelings about her. And while the latter wasn't generally a problem with the rest of the world…whose opinion left him cold…it was a huge problem with Louisa, because he felt he'd lost her mostly for that reason.
«I was thinking, Martin…it's late…Janice has been taking care of James all day…can we go straight home and collect your things from the apartment tomorrow morning, calmly? It's just for one night…some of your pajamas are left in the closet, I think there's also a new toothbrush in the bathroom, while a comb…well, let's find it.»
She watched his reaction and from the way his eyes widened in satisfaction, she understood that her request had reassured him.
«… and you don't need the alarm clock. I told Morwenna to cancel any visits tomorrow…you know, we didn't know where you were…and until Monday morning you have nothing to do."
"Well." he agreed as a hint of a smile crept onto his lips. Whatever she wanted, he was determined to give it to her in order to keep any hope thats he wouldn't leave him.
"Well." she echoed him, reaching the back of his neck again.
Soon they arrived at the cottage. They entered directly from the kitchen and Louisa immediately made her way to James' stall picking him up.
"How is my little man? Did you do well with our Janice today? Did you?" she looked at the girl with a grateful smile "Thank you for taking care of him."
"Oh, that's okay. I see you are all well. Welcome back, Doc."
«Um…yes.» Martin grunted, looking down uneasily.
«Then I'm going…James has already eaten…see you next week.»
"Thanks again, Janice." Louisa dismissed her.
Left alone,s he held out the child for him to take.
"Do you want to give him a bath and put him to sleep? In the meantime, I'll prepare something for dinner... you'll be hungry..."
"Yes a bit'." he admitted. He picked up his son and held him in front of him, in that strange way in which it seemed that they were talking to each other in their thoughts, the two of them. After a moment he headed for the stairs hugging him.
"Martin?"
"Yes?" he turned to look at her.
"I'm glad you're home."
"Well." he said emphatically, her big blue eyes wide and trusting. Louisa could not resist and approached him. Getting up on her toes, she planted a kiss on his cheek. Martin's face softened immediately, in that way that he had always and only reserved for her.
"I'm glad to be home too, Louisa. With you…and with James."
She smiled at him encouraging him to go, while the man admitted to himself that it hadn't been that difficult after all to recognize how he felt. A few simple words had made her happy… he had to work on this aspect, however much the idea of it terrified him. It would be an extremely complicated task, but who else would it be worth it to but her? For this woman who made his heart flutter every time she entered a room and whose loving gaze filled him with a reassuring warmth he'd never felt. Living without her was not an option. He just couldn't. Above all, he didn't want to.
When he returned to the kitchen, the table was already set.
"Done. James sleeps peacefully."
"Did he fall asleep right away?"
"Yes." he confirmed by dropping his chin to the side. Not quite right away actually. After he had changed him, dressed him and put him in the cot, the little one had started to squirm emitting satisfied mutters and, while he tucked him in the covers, he had grabbed his finger tightly and stared at it. He had bent over won by an immense love for that creature. He stroked her plump little cheek with his other hand, muttering, "I'm here. I'm here now and I'll always be there for you, son."
Even James Henry deserved more than a cold, aloof father. He had no idea where to begin, but surely Louisa would help him with that too.
They stayed like that until the little boy closed his eyes and let go of his finger.
Well…it was exactly the kind of situation she would have liked to hear him tell…yet he wasn't capable of it and had preferred to sum it all up with a pathetic "yes"…but how could he explain the tenderness and the powerful desire to protect him from anything that the child had aroused in him with that simple gesture?
If he only tried to do it, his words died in his throat under an avalanche of shame. He had stopped talking about his feelings about him very early on, as soon as he realized that his parents used them against him. Doing it now was difficult and unnatural for him, to the point that his effort exhausted him and often led to disappointing, if not catastrophic, results...
"It's ready, take a seat."
"Yes, thanks."
He ate greedily…after all, he couldn't remember what his last meal had been in the last two days. He offered to clear away and wash the dishes, but Louisa told him she would take care of it, to sit on the sofa and read the Lancet. He agreed... unconvinced... he had too many thoughts in his head to concentrate on some medical text and soon abandoned the magazine on the coffee table.
"Done. It didn't take long."
"No."
She moved next to him who sat upright and composed by the armrest with his hands in his lap. She turned sideways, with one leg bent and one arm resting on the seat back, so that she could face him.
"How are you?"
"Fine." he reassured her «It was a bit of a strange experience… annoying at times… but I'm fine.»
"At least the husband will be saved..."
"Yes."
«Damn, idiot, say something!» Martin scolded himself. «Things aren't going to fall into place by themselves!»
"Uhm…Louisa…about the missed meeting yesterday…well, we had to talk about…we had to make decisions about our future…" he stammered cursing himself for his inability to make a sensible speech.
As soon as she saw him so tense and struggling, she took his hand and looked him gently in the eyes.
«Yes, Martin…but maybe the decision has already been made…I mean…you're here…»
He stared at her for a moment getting lost in those blue eyes that he loved so much. He once again he felt completely helpless in front of her… the way he made him feel.
He had thought about it all the previous night, while he was tied to that bed. The last few months had taken a toll on him and he had lost himself and his family. Despite the therapy, he knew that he hadn't made any progress and that he would have to get used to living without Louisa…she didn't want it and who could blame her? Yet now they were there…together…close…and she seemed willing to let him go home.
«Well…so I can come back…is it okay for you if I come back?» he was decidedly awkward.
"Yes, Martin. I wish you would come back." she squeezed his hand tighter.
She saw him relax and sigh.
"Well." he whispered in relief. He turned his torso in her direction, abandoning the rigid position, and took her hands between his… excited… his bright eyes.
«I…» He looked at her for a long moment trying to explain everything that was on his mind. He struggled to make sounds, but nothing came out. He wasn't able to tell her how much he loved her and how much he needed her or how much he'd suffered being away from her and James about her. He failed to tell her that he was ready to do anything to get her back, because a life without her, he could no longer conceive… but nothing. Not a syllable. Time passed and his frustration was now evident.
Louisa waited patiently with a sweet smile on her lips, until she noticed that his discomfort had become unbearable and decided there was no need at all.
"Enough." she murmured. She stretched out her arms and held him close, stroking his head as it sank into her neck.
"Enough, Martin. That's fine." She whispered tenderly in his ear. "We don't have to discuss everything tonight. Let's start from here and try to make things work."
He pulled her closer to him, clinging to her as if he were about to drown.
The emotions and worries of the last few hours all exploded together in his chest, already crushed by a weight he had been carrying alone for too long. He buried his face in her hair. He was filled with love and gratitude for this new possibility. It was then that a thought materialized in his mind… he could try to live to make his wife and child happy… because he finally understood that their happiness made him feel fulfilled and at peace.
He looked at her, cupping her face in his hands, and leaned his forehead against hers.
"It doesn't matter if you can't tell me what you feel, Martin, really." She was the first to be surprised by his words. She blamed his inability to communicate for the failure of their relationship, because it made her feel excluded from his life. The reality was that she had never been able to see in Martin's eyes and gestures everything he couldn't say, but in that moment something changed.
"Maybe in time it will be a little easier…or maybe not, but…it's okay. I believe that your eyes and the way you always take care of me and James can tell me everything I need." she placed her hands on his chest.
"Speaking is something impossible for me, Louisa." he snapped "Expressing what I really think of you... what I feel for you... is a feat that requires all my strength and still isn't enough."
She cupped his face in her hands too. She saw him suffer in trying to overcome his fears and she admired him for it. After all, she had never been capable of it, preferring to run away from the first misunderstanding.
"I tried really hard to change…to get better…but I kept doing worse and messing things up even more."
"Martin, I don't want you to change." she whispered firmly.
"I know I'm not worthy of you. You deserve a loving, kind husband…one that people like and doesn't shame you…someone like that Danny, maybe…"
Louisa laughed.
"If I wanted to marry Danny, I would have said yes when he asked me…but I didn't…because I didn't want to…and because my heart already belonged to someone else."
"Did it?" he asked shyly.
Martin's naivety and vulnerable gaze made her tremble. She'd always loved the self-control he displayed in public, the security in his job, and his willingness to always tell the truth no matter the consequences, and yet…he seemed so helpless and needy right now.
"Yes, Martin." She whispered.
He kept staring at her in disbelief and stroking her face and hair.
"I want to learn, you know…to be a better husband. I…I often have trouble understanding what you want from me, but…if you help me…I'm sure I can."
"I'll try to make myself better understood..."
He hinted a smile.
"If…" she warned him seriously.
"If?" he worried.
«…if you will teach me to be a better wife to you.»
«…but you already are.» he objected.
She lowered his head to give him a kiss on the forehead.
"No, Martin, unfortunately that's not the case. I've made many mistakes. I demanded things from you that you couldn't give me and every time I ran away from difficulties..."
"It was my fault. I was the one who made you get away with my behavior." he specified vehemently.
"No. I believe...you know...the therapy, albeit brief, had some effect...it led me to reflect, especially on myself...now I can't explain myself better, but I know that I have to face my ghosts and that there are no faults in our relationship, but many misunderstandings bigger than us."
"No, no. I'm the problem, I realize that. I know that I am often difficult to talk to and I know that I have obvious difficulties interacting with anyone…but I will try to do something about it…maybe with more therapy…or with Ruth's help. But I ask you for patience, because it won't be easy to change..."
"You don't have to change for me, Martin. If you think you need to work on some aspects of your character…then do it for yourself, to feel better about yourself and others. Yes, I think a little levity would be good for you every once in a while, but you have to decide what's best for you."
She leaned a little closer to him and rested her head on his chest. Martin inhaled her delicate scent and clasped her waist.
"I love you, Louisa."
"I love you too, Martin."
They stayed like that…embraced and silent…for a long moment, until Louisa lifted her head to look at him and he just stared at her without speaking. His eyes were soft and excited…and sparkled with words he couldn't speak. She was sure of it…there was a world in that head that remained confined to his thoughts.
"Tell me what you're thinking, please." she really wanted to know…have even a fuzzy picture of his reflections. Above all…she wanted him, she wanted the man that nobody knew. She wanted his heart and to be a part of it to give him all of herself.
Martin frowned slightly in an attempt to explain…but still nothing…not even a sound…until he lowered his head in defeat.
Louisa smiled and reached out to ruffle his hair.
«Come on…I noticed, you know?» her tone became light «There are millions of words in your mind now… and they are all wonderful.» she lifted his face to look at him.
"Why don't you try closing your eyes and saying the first thing that comes to mind?" she urged him.
Martin's expression was now simply adoring, but his lips muted.
Louisa burst out laughing and hugged him tightly stroking his back.
"It doesn't matter, you'll do it when you feel like it."
He held her tightly to him and rested his face on her shoulder.
"We'll find a way, Martin…you and me…and James."
"Yes." he whispered against her neck and with his parted lips he touched her skin until he reached her mouth. He lingered for a moment, then kissed her softly and then harder than she…breathing her in eagerly until they both gasped.
"Don't you think it's late, Martin? You must be tired… » she asked with feigned indifference after she had recovered.
«Um…yes, it's definitely late.» he confirmed. Maybe he was wrong, but he thought he caught an undertone in her tone…or he hoped so anyway.
They turned out the lights and followed her up the stairs. After a few steps, Martin reached his hands on her hips and stopped her. He walked up to her back and wrapped his arms around her pinning her against him.
«Louisa…» he lowered her face to whisper in her ear «I have suffered a lot in these weeks away from you…from you. There were times when it hurt just to breathe."
In the dim light…hidden from her eyes…he allowed himself to let flow words that had been occupying his thoughts for so long.
She clung to his arms and listened silently so as not to interrupt him.
«My life before you flowed flat and useless in total solitude. It didn't matter how many people I was around… I was a lonely man. Then you arrived…with your good mood…always ready to give a smile and a kind word to anyone. You... with your indomitable and never defeated character... you looked at me and stole my heart and now I can no longer live without you."
The more he spoke, the more the weight he felt on him lightened. The fear of losing her…of living again without hopes and dreams…the terror of being hated by his son as he had hated his father…was worse than not giving up his post as a surgeon or having to face the humiliation of his phobia
«I don't care about my habits..." he continued "I don't care if everything isn't always perfectly in its place and I don't care if there is no more silence in the house...because silence and emptiness in that squalid cottage at the port they almost killed me." he squeezed her tighter.
Utterly disturbed, Louisa felt enveloped and pervaded by him. She clearly perceived the pain that Martin was hiding… that he had always hidden… and she felt deeply guilty for the suffering that she herself had caused him. She was shaking and her heart was pounding.
"I had a hard time adjusting to the changes when you and James came into my life permanently. Oh...I've wanted it...I've wanted it since that night you came back from London and appeared at my door pregnant. I wanted you badly, but I kept talking and acting like a complete idiot…and I didn't get better after that. Every day I saw you angrier and more disappointed in me... and I was afraid of losing you... but the more the fear grew, the more I made mistakes... and I didn't make you happy."
She felt Martin's breath on her cheek and remained motionless fearing to ruin that unexpected moment.
"I had no idea how to remedy the situation. Visiting my mother and learning that my father had died…knowing it like that…stopped me completely. I could no longer regain control of myself and I closed even more because… »uncertain, he hid against her neck.
«…because it's the only way I know to deal with the pain…isolating myself.»
Louisa sighed and narrowed her eyes completely overcome with love and an intense desire to protect him. For the first time she felt him hers… Martin was part of her and she was going to spend the rest of her life loving him no matter what.
"I need you, Louisa."
How long she had waited for him to say just that! How she had longed to know him so intimately!
«Oh, honey…» she managed to turn around and hug him «You have me. You've always had me…and even though every time I ran away from my damn fear of being left…and even though I insisted on wanting everything to be perfect and normal…my love for you was never in question."
«I missed you so much…I missed you so much. Getting up every morning, drinking, eating, sleeping… it was all useless and tiring.»
He kissed her tear-stained face and then her mouth...tenderly...and squeezed her...squeezed her with all the love he had. After a while, she took his hand and they went upstairs.
They silently entered James's room to check that he was sleeping soundly.
Louisa kissed the boy gently on the forehead and left his father watching him and tucking him in the covers.
I read in the comments of an unreasonable Louisa…I don't find that she is more unreasonable than Martin.
Both are adults with a history and many open wounds. They try to live as best they can and it clearly takes time to piece their wounded souls together.
Louisa dreamed of a perfect husband and family to balance out her childhood and…let's face it…Martin is not the affectionate type you can talk to.
Doc on the other hand tends to just hide, but tries to get out when he falls in love.
Both have their flaws, like everyone else. I notice that Martin is often forgiven for her crudeness, she is not, but Louisa also had an insecure and difficult childhood.
