"The same question arose in every soul: "For what, for whom, must I kill and be killed?" ― Leo Tolstoy
When I explain the epiphanies I just had, I only watch Leah's face.
I know I must be puttering nonsense, but slowly, I see her almost nod. Otherwise, she is completely stoic, stone-cold, almost as statuesque as Edward could be whenever my safety was first threatened by James. But she listens to me. And it makes all the difference to continue.
"I think you could be strong enough to take them down."
Sam almost pulls my heart out when he disagrees with me. He isn't looking at me with hatred, but I can see it in his eyes nonetheless. Hatred at the situation, maybe. Either way, my stomach lurches with guilt and I can feel the beginnings of tears pricking my eyes.
I never used to be so emotional before. Everything is different when it comes to him.
Carlisle defends me. Or, he defends the idea. He suggests injecting venom straight into Leah's heart and the idea almost makes bile rise in my throat. Everyone starts yelling soon after that.
But a miracle, or a curse, happens. Leah agrees.
"I'll do it."
More arguing from the group. I almost blackout from the barely restrained violence I hear in their words.
Edward defends me too. I let myself stare at him for a second too long as he tries to reach my eyes. I quickly look away.
And Alice, more than everyone else here, more than ever before, terrifies me. I have tripped a wire marking the line between her compassion and her devastation. A line I didn't know existed. And her wrath towards Leah is barely contained.
The argument continues, with no end in sight.
I cower in my seat.
I let Rosalie kick Sam out. And I can't even lie to myself that I feel the pinpricks of abandonment when he agrees, despite my telling him to. It hurts, but I am still going to see him tomorrow. I feel the need to course through me. It'll be the first thing I do once I finish school.
The Cullens, and Leah who has remained stuck to Jasper's side, wait minutes before speaking.
I don't look back at Edward while Esme and Rosalie walk me to the door. Alice trails along, and Jasper follows a step behind. The cortisol in my blood must be spiking as our disjointed group makes its way through the room. Oddly, I wonder if any of them can tell.
"Bella," Alice smiles at me, sickly sweet, "there is a better way."
Jasper suddenly loudly clears his throat. He looks at her with sharp eyes and Alice's smile drops.
"Another time," she finally says, voice lacking the usual genuine cheer she could always seem to muster. Yet, she still sports a fine smile, the joy not reaching her eyes. I have to turn away from her uncanny expression.
Rosalie links her arm with mine and guides me away from the pair to her car.
I have to tell Rose no once again to flying off to Florida. It's too late. And I can't be responsible for a newborn army following me across the country and causing endless destruction in their wake.
But the thought still makes me cry. What options left do I have to save myself and my baby? Am I betting it all on Leah?
After the past few times that Rosalie met me outside Forks High, I'm not surprised to see a flash of inhumanly perfect blonde hair out of the corner of my eye as I walk to my truck. But once a clearer picture hits my eyes, I startle.
"Jasper," I gasp.
He subtly nods at me.
"I had arranged to take watch of you for the current shift. There are a few things I would like to tell you, if you are so inclined, Bella."
I feel my throat begin to close, but even still, I force myself to nod, "Yeah, sure."
Despite not having any thoughts relating to this in a while, I'm forced to remember Jasper's part in his hypnosis of me. Of being literally drugged by Edward's scent to be hooked on him. But I remember Jasper's guilt from that night, and seeing it on his face now, I steel myself and follow him into the woods.
Another memory hits me, this time when I first confronted Edward about his true nature. A lifetime ago.
I wonder, even now, if the same twigs are snapping beneath my feet as I march into this unknown.
But we don't go as far as I did with Edward on that fateful day. Just enough to be well past earshot of school and anyone who has a watchful eye. Last time, I needed the full walk to build up the courage for what I was going to say. Now, it's already inside me.
"Are you going to help Leah?" I demand to know.
I cross my arms over my growing stomach and look straight at the back of his head, knowing he can feel my simmering rage.
He slowly turns around to face me. Those same, sad golden eyes Edward sports.
I feel the vitriol slowly leave me and anger in myself for still caring fills the vacuum instead.
"Regardless of what she decides," I add, forcing myself to be clear with him.
He doesn't move. Doesn't even blink.
"Yes," he finally answers.
"Okay," I breathe out and then nod. "Good."
The wind blows through the trees and the chill reaches my spine. The small rays of sunlight that peak through the forest are far away. Both of us now stand in the shadows
"I have to apologize for my part in hurting you," Jasper says.
I shake my head, "You don't…"
He cuts me off, "It doesn't matter whether I was reluctant, I still bear the responsibility of it. And it is my past experience that led to it happening."
I press my lips together.
I say nothing to allow him permission to continue, but nothing to deny it either. After many silent moments of waiting for me to say something, Jasper decides to press on anyway.
"I didn't have quite the same upbringing as my adopted siblings, you see. I was a Major in the Confederate Army. Three beautiful women found me one night. I thought I was coming to their aid, as a Southern gentleman ought to. The one who changed me, Maria, had just survived an ambush to her former coven, killing her mate. She hoped my military background would be useful in raising an army for territorial revenge. A newborn army."
My mouth drops open.
"I spent over 80 years by Maria's side, winning her territory bathed in blood. Begging her to love me all while knowing she did not. She used me to train the newborns and then dispose of them once their strength lessened to that of a regular vampire. I have killed many."
He unbuttons the sleeves of his dress shirt and shows me his arms. Littered across his pale skin are many tens of violent bitemarks. Silvery and barely there, I had never noticed before. But now that I see, it's impossible to tear my eyes away from them. I wonder, hopelessly, how many have tried to kill Jasper. The same number has failed.
His scars are not like that of a human. They seem to be almost indented as if a sculptor has ripped away tiny pieces of stone from a statue. But the shape is the same: just like the one on my wrist from James.
I shiver again.
"It was with Maria that I learned it is possible to intoxicate a person with a vampire's scent to force obsession upon them. It is even possible to do it to a vampire who has not yet found their mate. It is rare, and some level of attraction has to be there to begin, but it is possible."
Some level of attraction, I scoff in my head. As if I wasn't already unhealthily attached to Edward.
"It was immensely difficult for me to break away from her hold. You're aware of this."
"Yeah," I feel myself start to shake and I know I can't even look at Jasper as he talks.
"I hadn't even thought it possible for a human to do so. I only thought it was possible for me because I could always feel her love was never genuine. But you've been full of surprises, Bella."
"It's because I met Sam," I reason. My soulmate.
"Mmm, maybe," Jasper says, but he looks too far off in his own headspace to really agree with me.
"I stopped believing it was necessary to kill all the newborns after their first year of life," Jasper continues. "I stopped believing in all her ideas. And then I stopped loving her. Or believing I did, to begin with."
"I spent the next decade entirely alone. Unable to resist my own bloodlust, although I did try. Alice found me. Saw exactly when we'd need to meet and I would be forever hers, just like I thought I would be with Maria."
"Did Alice…?" I am almost afraid to ask.
"No," Jasper states. "She has other ways of getting me to do her bidding. And unfortunately, I have loved her too."
But now? The unspoken question lingers in the air.
"Alice was the one to finally convince me to stop feeding on humans. Even completely feeling their agony as they died wasn't enough to do it. She taught me how much stronger my abilities become when I have conquered the need for human blood. We lose physical strength and speed compared to other vampires on our vegetarian diet, yes, but the limits to what we can do with our gifts grow thrice as much. She knew everything I did with Maria would be just the beginning of what we could accomplish together."
I bite my lip. I barely even understand Jasper's gifts anyway. But maybe I barely understand any of them.
"Had Alice not known what Maria did to me, she would not have been able to conjure the same emotions on you with Edward. And with far more efficiency. There is a large part of me, I am ashamed to say, that was talked into it because I wished to see just how far I could push it."
It hurts, but I can't say it's unsurprising. I am beginning to see more of how the thirst for blood and the thirst for power overlap.
"The truly inexcusable part is using your past assault which Edward learned without your consent, to anchor you to him."
I squeeze my eyes shut. I'm growing nauseous again.
It's true what Jasper says about his guilt, but, "I still forgive you."
Jasper's eyes widen for a second too long, but he composes himself quickly. I am left wondering if he is ever able to use his emotion-controlling abilities on himself.
His voice is even rougher: "There is more, Bella. Victoria has learned of Maria's tactics of raising a newborn army to win back terrority. Alice saw her travel to Texas and Mexico to learn from whatever survivors remained. That is how she came up with this plan to exact revenge on you for her mate."
"You play a bigger part in this than I thought," I whisper.
"Yes," he agrees. "It is why I must make it right, with Leah."
"When?" I ask.
He shakes his head, "Soon. It is better if you don't know."
And unfortunately, I agree.
"I cannot claim to be entirely altruistic in my behavior even now, if I may be fully transparent with you. You were right that Alice cannot see Leah in the future when you brought it up last night. And by her imprinting on me, if I stay near Leah, Alice cannot see me either. For over fifty years, I have not been able to make any decisions without her seeing ahead. I lost all agency and now I have just found my way back to it."
"But don't you love her?"
Jasper nods, "Yes, but as is so often in life, there is a choice between love and opportunity. There are things I need to do without her watchful eye following me."
My head pounds with the information thrown at me. So much of it these days, I can barely keep anything straight.
"But it isn't right to offer up Leah as a sacrifice," I counter. Though the sting of hypocrisy hits me across the face. Isn't that what I'm doing too?
"It is in my interest to keep Leah alive."
I shake my head, unconvinced but utterly helpless to do anything else.
"I am not a selfless person, Bella. Without feeling all the pain of my victims, I might not have been pushed over the edge to stop feeding, even knowing greater power was a possibility. It had to be both together. This is the hand I have been dealt, so I must go forward with it."
"Just make sure she gets to live too," I whisper.
As soon as I make it back to my truck, I head for Sam's house.
There's a nervousness jittering in me that I can't fully explain. Or don't want to.
"Hi," I say. And all the butterflies return.
It doesn't go smoothly at first. Sam is eager to discuss yesterday evening and with the words of Jasper still swirling around in my head, I find it hard to entirely think straight.
"Sam, I only mean to tell you that you might not be able to expect this to go your way," I manage to get out.
I find a current of bravery and grab his hand to hold. His reaction to my touch electrifies me. His eyes close and I almost hear him moan. The whisper of sound goes up my spine and I almost shiver. All of me begins to warm up and if he looked, I know he'd find my face turning red.
Still, he is unconvinced by my words: "It can't happen. It can't."
I decide to aim for a distraction instead. There's a heat pooling between my thighs and I twitch, still not entirely sure I should act on it. But nothing is going to happen tonight on the newborn front. And I'm painfully aware of how long it has been since I have been touched.
"I'm, uh, feeling a bit tired. Would you mind if I used your bed?"
"Make me forget."
I've kissed him, dipped my hand in his jeans to make my point clear. Now, I beg him with my words. I can see Sam's resolve waver. I chase it.
"It's Tuesday night. The newborn army is coming in five days. I might only have five days to live."
"You are going to live," he sighs at me.
I try to silence him with a finger to his soft, perfect lips: "But just for a second, imagine that isn't true. If I've only got five more days, I want every second to count. I want to be with you now."
Need burns so deep inside of me, I scarcely remember a time without it. Memories of that party sear through my nerves. I begin to remember, in vivid detail, what our first time together was like. Words that I can't even say within my own mind. Only images, only the ghost of past touches fluttering on my skin.
I barely pay attention to Sam's rebuttals and warnings.
"Take me."
Sam positions me on top of him. And though I crave to be devoured, to devour every inch of him, I know I'm not hiding my nervousness well.
I'm shirtless and mewling and still, he says: "You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."
He makes me undress and I demand the favor to be returned.
And now, in the light, and fully sober, I am acutely struck by just how large Sam is. Every part of him. My spine tingles when I realize that somehow, I have handled all of him. And I am begging to do it again.
Sam touches me with a single finger and I know I melt. The contact, the friction, it is close to the best thing I have ever felt. Though he is talented in his movements, it is not enough.
"I want all of you," I whimper, embarrassed of how desperate I must sound. He doesn't say anything about it.
Instead, Sam smiles down at me, "You can have all of me."
I am on top.
He is inside of me.
The world stops.
I've dreamed of pleasure. I've buried the memories of the first time I've done this with Sam deep within my subconscious. And yet, I don't think I was perfectly able to recall what this felt like. For I am certain this is heaven and I've somehow died.
Sam flips us over on his bed so he is driving into me from above. My whole body is shaking. I don't believe this kind of pleasure could be possible with anyone but him. My imprint.
I try to pull his hand down to touch me in an especially sensitive spot like he did our first time, but he pulls away.
"You're going to come on my cock only," he commands.
I think I cry out, in pleasure, pain, frustration. In the shock of his explicit words. It does not matter. I can feel the build regardless. The release I did not know I needed until now. It's grueling and I am unable to think of an existence outside of this moment. If I am reducing to nothing more than a body devoted to sex, I wouldn't argue.
Sam hooks one of my legs over his shoulder so he can bury even deeper inside of me. Sparks of light fly behind my eyes.
"Look at me." I hear Sam's voice even though I am certain my spirit has left my body by now.
I can't.
"Look." The voice becomes more demanding.
I can't, I can't.
I can't even think.
I know this release I am chasing is close. I know Sam feels it too.
I am capable of nothing other than following this feeling.
"Look. Please look at me."
And I do.
I erupt.
Sam follows.
We are together.
I am inches away from falling into a deep sleep, the kind I seem to crave more and more as my pregnancy progresses when I hear Sam yell out from his bathroom.
I throw off all the blankets on me and rush to his side.
He's still naked from his shower, throwing up so violently I assume he had no time to even cover himself. A million thoughts pass through me. Did he get sick somehow? What is happening? I thought the pack was fairly immune from normal illnesses. Then I grow paranoid and worry someone has poisoned him.
It's only when I see the tears streaming down his face and his whole being shake, that I realize what he is having a reaction to may not be about himself. It reminds me, too much, of my reaction when they left.
I reach out to him, rubbing his back while he continues to dry heave, and hope this is going to be okay.
"They've done it. They've killed her." His voice is harsh, rough, unforgiving.
It's happened already?
More panic hits me. How does he know? How can that be possible? I know the pack is connected, but this is beyond my understanding. And worst of all, I wonder what it feels like. To feel violent change miles away.
I bite my lip and try to give him some peace, "She could live, Sam. I believe it."
But his expression changes to one of bitter doubt. He looks at me like I have ushered in the greatest betrayal. I was the one who came up with this idea after all.
"Did you know?" he demands of me.
"I knew it was a possibility. I didn't know when, I swear," I cry to him, begging him to believe me.
He doesn't.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" he yells, disturbingly unhinged.
I rub his back more, trying to get him to stop shaking. "It's going to be okay," But I don't think my voice is all that convincing.
"You don't know that!" he yells.
I jump away from him now. The most hate I've ever felt from him since I've known him and it's directed at me. I feel myself start to panic.
"Fuck! I'm sorry! Goddammit," he says soon after, noticing my reaction.
He reaches out and squeezes my hand, but not without enough force to truly convince me he's okay. His body is still continuing to spasm from the shock and I beg every fiber of myself to remain calm for him.
"We have to go see her now," he demands.
I nod and stand up, handing him a simple blue towel to cover himself and wipe off whatever vomit remains on his chin.
"I'll drive," I tell him. And I swallow the fear building in my mouth because while I can do this for him, I don't know what we're going to find over there. I worry it might change everything.
Sam immediately puts his clothes back on. A pair of underwear and jean shorts, nothing else.
We nearly run into my truck, harshly slamming the doors, and I make the harshest turn out of Sam's dirt driveway that I've ever made since I got my license. The tires squeal and for many moments after, the splitting noise is the only thing I can hear. Everything in my brain turns to mush. But after leaving the boundaries of the rez and heading down the highway to the Cullen's house, the guilt resurfaces.
"Sam, I am so sorry," I start to cry. The tears flow freely once again and I curse myself.
I quickly steal a glance at him. His jaw is tight and I can see him grind his teeth harshly, looking as if he is trying to hold back another scream.
He doesn't say anything and the words fall out of me to dispel the deafening silence.
"Jasper told me it would be better if I didn't know when. I swear I didn't know it would be tonight!"
"Bella," Sam grits out my name. "Don't."
I sob now, feeling like the road is vanishing out in front of me. I grip the steering while tighter.
"I wasn't trying to distract you, I promise! I promise I wouldn't do that."
What I want to say but can't: my feelings for you are genuine.
Instead: "Jasper told me he wouldn't let her die. She'll be okay. She'll be okay, I swear."
And even though I don't know it with certainty, I can feel the universe listening to my begging.
"Bella," Sam says again, his voice only a little less violent this time, "they're messing with you. Can't you see that?"
"Yes," I agree, even though I don't know what I'm saying. Anything, everything, to get him to not be mad at me anymore.
"They're jumping at the opportunity to kill one of us. They can't possibly believe in this idea."
I don't know, I don't know.
Jasper was sincere. I felt it.
The Cullens are already outside when I pull into their driveway. Most of them anyway. I have a feeling I know where Jasper is. Or specifically, who he is guarding.
Esme and Rosalie hold onto each other. They stare at me and look as if they wish to pull me away, but the moment for that has long passed. Emmett smartly stands off to the side and Edward scowls at Sam emerging from my truck.
Alice, absent.
Carlisle steps forward to speak, still donning his medical coat and stethoscope around his neck. And I suddenly envision him in this very set up regularly telling loved ones of patients lost. I stagger walking towards him next to Sam.
"Where is she?" Sam demands. It is the harshest I have ever heard his voice. I understand now why he was chosen to be alpha. Just how commanding he can be.
Carlisle casts his eyes downward, "I am sorry for this, Sam. I should have seen Jasper's plans beforehand. I truly apologize on their behalf for your lack of notice."
Sam shakes his head, "I don't want your apology, fuck. I want to see her."
"What's the point?" Edward sighs, almost bored-sounding. "It's already happened."
"Edward," Carlisle chides, disappointed lines forming around his sculpted eyes. "Please, follow me."
Carlisle gestures with an open arm for us to follow into their home once more. I know he has a study somewhere that he keeps medical equipment in.
Edward grabs ahold of Sam's arms as we are about to march into the dim halls. Sam reacts quickly, pulling away and growling at the contact.
"At least one of us had to make the hard choice to protect her."
Edward looks at me and my stomach flips. I immediately look away from him. Sam growls loudly now and drags me away from the rest of the Cullens. I look back at Rose and Esme and try to promise them I am fine with my eyes. I doubt it worked.
The hallways of this house have never felt so long. But here we are, about to enter a room I nearly considered forbidden, to peer into the new future I am responsible for.
Jasper sits with Leah. His eyes don't leave her even though he knows we've entered the room.
I watch Sam freeze upon seeing his packmate. All of his obvious plans of confronting, likely fighting Jasper, vanish in the open view of her. As we approach, the sight no longer obscured, we both stare in disbelief.
Leah rests, her body paralyzed on a cold, metal gurney as if she has seemingly died. Giant, and empty, needles cast to the side. Her russet skin seems both less vibrant and somehow more dazzling at the same time. Her short hair shines. And I know deep within me that if she were to open her eyes, they would be blood red.
The sight of her takes the breath out of my lungs.
Have…have I done this?
"She was injected with morphine before the venom," Carlisle says, his quiet and steady voice sounding hollow to my ears. "I believe this may lessen or even eliminate the pain for her."
I blink, his words not really resonating with me.
"As you can see, her transformation seems to be occurring quicker than that of a normal human. We can't rely on the known timeline of three days for her to wake. It may be much sooner."
I realize I've backed up away from her body as I've hit Sam's chest. He steadies me and then does not let go of my arms, as if to keep me from catching this impossible disease that has struck our friend. I shake in his grip.
"Then what?" he grits out.
Carlisle sighs. I remember that vampires often do that to appear more human to us. He sighs because he is preparing us for an unsettling truth. A cue normally only picked up by us subconsciously, but it stands so obvious to me now. My stomach drops.
"Her hunger may be different from that of a regular vampire as well. I apologize once again, Sam, but we all appear to be in the dark here."
I swallow the saliva in my mouth.
"It is a miracle she has survived."
I count the seconds for Sam's reaction. Five. Ten. Twenty. I beg him without words just to say something.
"If she harms any of the residents of Forks or our land, our treaty will be broken."
"We can restrain her," Jasper, finally, speaks. Finally, turning his head to us. Golden eyes that betray absolutely no emotion. It shocks me this is the same person I talked to after school only a few hours before.
But if looks alone could kill, Sam would have decimated Jasper long ago.
"Isn't the whole point of this fucking plan to create a thing that is stronger than both of us. How the fuck are we going to restrain her?" Sam demands. "Did you think of that, huh? She's going to want to drain everyone in the fucking area."
Jasper stands now and I cower further in Sam's arms. The vampire's perfectly straight posture and unblinking eyes unsettle me to the core of my being. He doesn't even look at me as he addresses Sam.
"You are right. There is no need for a 'we.' I alone can keep her in line. You surely know how imprints work by now, right?"
I look up at Sam's face to see his clenched jaw. I catch his eyes only for the briefest of moments.
"I will know when she wakes. I will not abandon her."
And then Sam tugs me away from them, away from the Cullen's home, and into an uncertain future I am unable to guard against.
A/N: Terribly sorry it's once again taken me months to update. But hey, only 8 more chapters to go! Thanks to everyone who reads!
