Author's Note

Happy September First! Return to Hogwarts Day... Enjoy a bonus chapter :)


Chapter 16: Re-focus

It's absolutely dark outside and our dormitory is full of the sounds of even breathing and light snoring when Alice crawls onto my bed. My hangings are drawn tight shut to keep the warm glow of my wand from disturbing the other seventh year girls while I finished up some reading for Defense Against the Dark Arts.

"You should be asleep," Alice whispers.

"Can't. Want this read before Monday," I yawn.

"You know we only needed to read through page 79, right?"

"Yeah," I say, turning the page. "But it referenced the effectiveness of jinxes versus hexes, I had to cross-reference some of them to do my own comparison and then I got sidetracked by Impervious Jinxes and, well. You know me." I shrug.

Alice laughs a little and sighs. "You never do take the easy way out, do you?"

"And what would I do with all the spare time that would leave me?"

We lapse back into silence, Alice's head resting on my shoulder while I read. I'm just thinking she might have fallen asleep when she speaks again.

"So where were you really during the match today?"

"Huh?" I glance down at her. She sits up, frowning.

"Look, Emmeline may want to pretend there's nothing going on, but I know you didn't stand in line for thirty minutes just to use the toilets. No one even uses the toilets at a Quidditch match. So where were you?"

I close my book slowly with a light snap. "I'm not sure you really want to know, either," I say.

Alice's frown deepens. "Was it something to do with Snape?"

"Kind of?"

She sighs again. "I was worried as much."

"But it wasn't just him," I admit. "I was following that whole Slytherin gang again, like Emmeline and I tried to do the other day last week."

"Wait, so why didn't you tell me about this sooner? You know I would love to bust some Slytherins with you!"

"It's not just about busting them," I say. "I want to know what they're up to so I can talk Severus out of the whole mess."

"Lily!" Alice says, exasperated. I shush her, and she lowers her voice marginally. "They are all up to no good. Snape's not getting towed along like some hapless first year. He's in it with these guys."

"I know, I know!" I say. "But I can't believe it's going to be some evil plot they're mixed up in if Sev is with them. And if it is, I… I can't believe Sev knows the full extent of what they're planning."

Alice raises her eyebrows. "So you want to, what, rescue him? You're not even talking to him right now."

I fiddle with the hem of my blanket, not looking at her.

"You're not talking to him right now, right?" she repeats.

"No, but... but I was planning on talking to him Monday morning. In Potions."

"Lily why?" she says in exasperation.

"Because... because we've been friends since we were seven. And he's tried to apologize. More than once, and I've just ignored him. And... and I'm worried about him, Alice. I don't know what he's got himself mixed up with, but if I can stop it -"

"Lily, that's not your job. You can't make people change."

"It wouldn't be a change," I say. "I'm just... going to tell him to be careful. And talk him out of going along with anything Dark. And maybe... maybe if we're on speaking turns, he can even be, I don't know, like a spy for us!"

Alice raises her eyebrows again, her whole expression projecting skepticism. "Severus Snape, a spy for a bunch of Gryffindors. And Dumbledore." She snorts. "I'd like to see the day."

I grimace. "Look, you don't have to like it. I know Sev is a... tough subject for you. I won't involve you in any of this business. Just... don't hate me too much for doing this, okay?"

Alice rolls her eyes. "You know I could never hate you, Lily."

I throw my arms around her middle and burrow my head into her stomach. "Thank you," I say, my voice muffled by her dressing gown.

"You're welcome," she says, and I sit back up to see she has a small smile on her face. "But you're right, I don't like this. And I won't have anything to do with any scheming with Snape. But you're my best friend, Lil. And I missed talking to you this week."

"I did too," I say. "And speaking of, what do you have to tell me about a certain sixth year who goes by the name of Frank Longbottom? You two were getting mighty cozy at the match..." I say in a sing-song sort of voice.

"And now," Alice says, sliding off my bed, "it is officially time to go to sleep."

/

I stand in the doorway to the dungeons and take a deep breath to fortify myself. I'm one of the last ones to arrive, and the other seventh years chatter as they unpack their Potions equipment. I take it all in. Then, giving Potter an apologetic smile, I walk along the back of the classroom and slip into the empty chair next to Severus.

It's hard to say who's more surprised by this move, Potter or Sev. It's been weeks since I've sat here during Potions, and I think at this point, they'd both kind of expected that my and Severus's relationship was over.

I turn my back on Potter before he can close his mouth (it fell open in shock when I took my seat) and start mouthing things like, "What by Merlin's great pointed hat do you think you are doing sitting next to that absolute slimy git Severus Snape?" He does have the tendency to be dramatic like that.

Instead, I turn to Severus. "Let's talk," I say levelly.

He meets my eyes. He got over his surprise a lot quicker and more gracefully than Potter. "Let's," he says evenly just as Slughorn bustles in and begins the lesson in his booming voice.

We both rigidly take notes while Slughorn prattles on about today's potion, and we continue to be silent while we magick up fires under our cauldrons and gather our ingredients. Potter, two tables over, has gotten over his shock and watches us shrewdly with narrowed eyes.

I'm wondering how to begin. I was telling Alice the truth, I do miss having Sev as my friend, and I am worried about him getting into trouble with Professor Dumbledore if he continues to be stupid enough to run around with Rosier and Lestrange and the rest of them, but I'm still so frustrated at him, still hurt by what he said. However, as we start dumping leech juice into our cauldrons, it is Severus that speaks first.

"I'm really sorry, Lily." It comes out all in a rush. "I've been trying to tell you for weeks but you've been avoiding me. Of course I think you're a brilliant witch. How could I not? I've seen your magic at work for years-"

"Save it," I snap. "If you're really sorry, you'll listen to me and not get defensive and give me some answers."

Severus opens his mouth, closes it, and frowns, his thin lips pursing tightly. But he gives a tiny nod.

"I still haven't quite forgiven you for what you said," I say. "I can't believeyou would say something like that to me, especially after we've already been through something like this after fifth year."

"I'm so sorry, Lily, I was -"

"I'm not finished," I say sharply. Sev shuts his mouth again, looking pained.

"When you said you wanted to try being friends again, I thought you meant it. I thought that meant we could put things like this behind us. I thought that meant I could trust you again."

"You can," Severus says, unable to stay silent.

"Then prove it," I say.

"How?" he asks immediately. "I'll do it. Anything."

"What are you and your Slytherin buddies up to?"

This takes him aback. "I... They... What are we up to?" he stutters.

"Yes," I say. "What are you all up to? Your late-night library trips, your..." I hesitate. Much as I want answers, I don't exactly want to admit I've been sneaking around trying to spy on them the last couple of weeks. "...you know, little secretive huddles?" I say instead.

He relaxes. It's almost imperceptible, but I know Severus well enough to see it. "Oh, all that?" he says. "It's not much, really. Evan's father just wanted us to look up a potion for him. He needed a list of ingredients, but none of the texts he's been going through have it, so he asked Evan to see if he could find it in the Hogwarts library."

"What potion?" I ask.

Severus shrugs. "Just a new truth serum they're experimenting with at the Ministry."

I narrow my eyes. "And why do you need to sneak around with this?" I say.

"Ah, well..." Sev shifts in his seat. "We've been going through the Restricted Section, but we... well, we never got staff approval. Mr. Rosier wants to keep this all confidential, so we haven't wanted to tell any professors what we're up to, so..." He shrugs again.

It's a perfectly logical explanation. Rosier's father does work in the Ministry, in the Law Enforcement department, I think, so this would be the type of task under his jurisdiction. I'm tempted to believe him. I want to believe him. Maybe I already do.

I mull his answers over as I slowly strip rosemary leaves from their stalks and add them to my cauldron. Maybe they were just sneaking to Hogsmeade on a rebellious little day trip, hoping the Quidditch match excitement was a big enough cover that no one would miss them.

Never mind I'd been suspicious that last Saturday wasn't their first time doing that...

"Any other questions?" Severus prompts. "I mean it, I'll tell you anything. Just... let's be friends again, okay?"

"Severus..." I sigh. His dark eyes flick up from his potion to meet mine. "I just don't know. We were already kind of on a friend-trial period, remember? I can't... not if you're going to..."

Severus sets his ladle down so he can focus solely on me. "I'm not going to. I'm so sorry that I ever said anything like that to you, to imply you're inferior. That's not what I meant, but I know it came out that way. I won't mess up. Not ever again." He hesitantly reaches out to place a hand on my arm. "You mean too much to me," he says.

I look down at his hand, then back up into his face. Before I can say anything though, Slughorn comes bouncing through the blue steam to inspect our work, and Sev pulls back.

"Goodness me!" Slughorn says when he gets to our table, peering into our cauldrons. "Severus! Lily! You are both desperately behind where you should be. Lily? Are you truthfully only on the rosemary? You'll never finish by the end of class." He looks at me in concern. "Is everything alright? Something in the instructions not clear?"

"Oh - uh, no! Sorry, Professor. I just... well, I had a hard time finding my rosemary and I'm afraid I had Severus help me look for it and I've put us both behind." I look up at Slughorn with big, apologetic eyes. ""Sorry we're behind, it has nothing to do with you. Your instructions were perfect and I was so eager to get started after listening to your engaging lecture at the start of class! What can I do to make it up?"

Next to me, Severus tries to subtly lean on one elbow and cover his mouth with his hand to hide a smirk. What can I say? I know Slughorn can't resist flattery, no matter how blatant.

"Now, now, Lily," he says, wagging a finger at me. "I know you're just buttering me up." But he's already relaxed as he gives our potions another appraising look. "You know, if you hurry, you'll probably be fine. If you can make it to the final ten-minute stewing period before you stir in the armadillo bile, I'll count today as a success for you. But no more dilly-dallying!"

"Thank you so much, sir," I gush, and Severus uncovers his mouth to smile at Slughorn in faux gratitude.

Slughorn waves a hand as he walks away. "Just get to work!"

We do set quickly to work, making up for as much lost time as we can, but when we hit the first brew cycle, we're left with a few minutes of standstill. I feel Severus watching me even as I stay focused on my potion, like it won't change to the proper shade of periwinkle unless I watch it. I know he's waiting for a response – Slughorn interrupted our conversation and Sev's been left hanging.

"Lily?" He finally asks, when the silence between us has stretched long and thin.

"I don't know if I'd be smart to trust you anymore, Sev," I tell my cauldron.

"But…?" he says cautiously.

"But…" I smile faintly, even though he can't see it. "But I do." I shrug. "We're friends. And I've missed you."

/

Sev adds a new memory to our coin pouch at the end of the lesson.

Remember when we made up after our fight? You said you missed me.

And I promise to always be someone you can count on.

/

Potter is leaning against the wall in the corridor when I walk out with Severus. He waits patiently while I tell Sev bye, then Severus walks off with his Housemates and I sigh as I walk in the opposite direction to where Potter is waiting. He peels himself off the wall and falls into step with me as I pass.

"I assume there was a reason for that?" Potter asks, jerking his head back to indicate to Severus.

"There was," I say.

"And the reason is…?"

I hadn't had the chance to talk to Potter all weekend about how I'd followed the Slytherins into the Forbidden Forest and how I suspected them of sneaking off to Hogsmeade. Well, saying I hadn't had the chance wasn't entirely truthful. In reality, I've been avoiding any and all encounters with Potter since the Quidditch match. I mostly kept to myself in my dormitory all weekend, only coming down for quick meals and using schoolwork as an excuse for early exits. At Sunday's prefect meeting, I'd arrived right before it started, telling Potter I'd had to go the long way around to avoid Peeves, whose idea of a Halloween season prank was setting a cauldron of spiders loose in the fifth floor corridor. The spiders weren't a lie, but I'd actually managed to Vanish them all on my second attempt and spent the rest of the time between then and the meeting meandering slowly down the stairs and striking up a conversation with Nearly-Headless Nick about his upcoming Death Day when he came floating past. Then I left the meeting with Angela Stoker, asking her about our Runes project before Potter had the chance to chat.

I just… needed to get away from Potter for a bit. Really throw myself into my schoolwork. I even drew up this really detailed tutoring schedule for Timothy so that I have plans for our sessions all the way until Christmas. It felt good to forget about Potter and re-apply myself to my academic studies and drill my brain into not calling him 'James' anymore. Not even subconsciously.

"Lily? The reason you're all the sudden okay to talk to Snape again?" Potter asks for the second time.

"Well…" I drop my voice and look around, checking none of the other students making their way to their classes are listening in. Quietly, I fill Potter in on what had transpired during the match last Saturday. At first, he's a little appalled I bailed for a bit of the match, but his indignation gives way to pensiveness as I recount my excursion in the Forest.

"So I had to make good with Sev today so I could find out what they were up to," I conclude.

"Except you didn't find out," Potter says, brows scrunched down.

"No, but we at least know why they've been skulking around together at school. Besides, now that I'm back on good terms with Sev, he'll tell me if something fishy is going on in the future," I say.

Potter snorts. "That'll be the day."

I feel my old Potter irritation flame up in my chest. "I trust him when he says he will," I snip. "Doesn't matter what your opinion of Severus is; I know who I can trust."

"Whoa. Stand down, Evans," Potter says. My surname sounds surprisingly strange coming from him, despite him always calling me 'Evans' up until this year. "You and Sniv- Snape may be old pals, but forgive me if I haven't seen a right thing from him that makes me think we can trust him."

"Isn't the mere fact that he's my 'old pal' evidence enough we can trust him?" I say scathingly. "Don't you trust me?"

"Of course I do!" Potter says, indignant. "Do you trust me?"

"I –" The question trips me up. Do I trust Potter? How is that even relevant to this conversation? "I… I mean –"

"Never mind," Potter says, shaking his head. The brief flare of temper drains right out of him. "Don't finish that. I don't think I want to hear what you'd say."

I open my mouth and close it again, feeling even more irritated, and also guilty that I think I hurt his feelings. But I don't want to feel guilty. I just want to be annoyed at Potter! And he's making it difficult for me!

"You remember Dumbledore told us to be careful about who we trust," Potter says quietly. We've made it to the Transfiguration classroom, but instead of going in, Potter swings around in front of me to talk.

"I remember," I say warily.

"And how we might not be able to trust even those closest to us," he says, watching me.

"And?" I ask through clenched teeth. Just spit it out, Potter. Say what you want to.

"I think you might be turning a blind eye where Snape is concerned," he says.

I glare at him. "Or maybe it's just you, not willing to accept anyone who's different or, I don't know, not as cool as you."

Potter's mouth drops open, and for a moment he looks truly stricken, like I slapped him. I can't figure out why this one thing I've said affects him so much more than anything else. But he snaps his mouth shut, a muscle twitching in his jaw, his eyes hardening.

"Okay," he says. "Maybe."

But I can tell he doesn't mean it.

I move to get around him, but he sidesteps so he's still in my way.

"Wait." Potter says. I halt begrudgingly, not really looking at him, focused on a point over his shoulder in the classroom. "Are we… okay?" Potter says uncertainly. "I mean, did I… do something? To make you mad at me? I feel like you've been avoiding me all weekend and now today…" he trails off.

"No," I say. "We're fine."

He frowns a little deeper. "Okay." One hand goes up to ruffle his hair. "If you say so."

When he doesn't say anything more, I try to go around him again, and this time he lets me. I take a seat next to Emmeline and don't make eye contact with Potter when he trails into class a few moments later.

"You okay?" Emmeline asks.

I sigh. "All good," I say tiredly.

She shoots me an unconvinced look, but Professor McGonagall raps her wand on the board to start class and Em jumps and turns to pay attention.

I sneak a peek back at Potter. Black's poking his shoulder with his wand, trying to get his attention by making pumpkin-orange dots bloom on his robes with each jab, but Potter stubbornly ignores him, choosing instead to bend over some parchment and start scrawling furiously.

I sigh again.

Having Potter in my life really makes things so much more complicated.

I face forward and get to work.