Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, made possible by the Ranger's Apprentice by John Flanagan. I have only borrowed his creation and I make no money. For this story I have used several other Rangers from the books, though I've also added my own. I do this only in the hope to entertain…
Author's Note: No harm shall come to the characters that can't be fixed with enough coffee…
Chapter 23
Propping the end of his longbow against the ground Will half leaned against it. He was contemplating what he should do, and it seemed to be a difficult choice. In truth, the choice was easy, he knew what the right thing to do was. The problem was he seemed to find it just about unbearable to actually do it.
Crowley had been right when he said that this was like nothing Will had ever experienced before. He had always known he had lost his parents, you did not grow up in a ward for orphans without knowing your parents had died. Aside from Alyss though, who had been in the ward nearly as long as he, they all remembered their parents. Back then he had always thought it was so much easier for them, since they had the memory.
Now he had discovered something else and he did not like it.
He had always known that being an orphan meant you had lost your parents, but he had never known what that loss was. A note had said his mother died in childbirth, and that his father died a hero. He had later found out from Halt the latter was true, though he had not been a knight like Will had told himself. Perhaps one of the most important things he had learned was that it wasn't your title or your armour that made you a hero. You could be a hero and not be a knight, as his father had been.
He had always felt the loss of his parents, but that was all it was, a sadness and a loss of something he had never really known.
This was different, this was a sharp sword stabbing into his chest, a cold lump in his stomach that wouldn't go away. The first time he found himself smiling, he had felt so guilty he nearly was sick. How could he smile when Gilan was dead? What kind of monster was he? Though Baron Arald told him it was only natural and it was a part of the healing process.
Well, if so, he wasn't sure he wanted to heal, healing wouldn't bring Gilan back, and why should he be happy when Gilan was dead?
Because he was not the only one who needed healing…
It was something Lady Sandra had said, she had tried to be kind, and it had made him realized that she missed Gilan to. She and the Baron mourned him as well as he did. They had known him when he was Halt's apprentice, and now they missed him.
In his grief he had not really reflected about that, he had avoided Jenny because seeing her somehow seemed to make him feel worse. It brought it home once more with such intensity he did not know how he could bear it.
That was selfish though, and Jenny deserved better. She was mourning just the same as he was. She had loved Gilan, and it had been obvious he loved her. He never missed a chance to see her. Though she seemed to have no better luck than anyone else in filling out his lanky frame…
The memory of how Halt always complained about that made him smile, and before he could change his mind he started towards The Heaped Platter.
His eyes immediately scanned the room for Jenny as he entered, and as he did not see her, he headed for the kitchen. The server she had hired looked at him, curiously, but did not say a word as Will slipped past the counter.
He entered the kitchen, feeling the warmth and fragrance around him. He found himself inhaling deeply, sighing softly.
"Will," Jenny looked up from the counter where she was rubbing a leg of lamb with herbs.
"Hey, I'm, sorry I've not been around much," he stated sheepishly.
"It's been hard," she confirmed. "I miss him to."
"I know, I should have been here for you, it just, hurt too much," sighing he propped his bow against a table. "Everyone says it's not my fault, but it sure feels like it. If I hadn't allowed myself to relax, it would never have happened."
"Gilan wouldn't want you to blame yourself," Jenny wiped her hands on her apron. "He was better than that."
"He was," Will agreed. "I just, I can't help it Jen, Gilan's been like a brother to me, he's taught me nearly as much as Halt has. He always gave me so much advice, and he always seemed to know what to say to make me feel better. Even when I thought nothing could, Gilan always knew what to say." He found himself shaking his head. "Even when he laughed at me he made me feel better. I never figured out how he did that, usually when people laugh at me, it makes me mad."
"But you knew that Gilan never meant any harm with it," Jen smiled softly. "He never did, I don't think he knew how to hurt someone."
"He could hurt bandits," Will mused. "He never seemed to worry about hurting them, even if he did always offer them to give up first, Halt always complains about that. But he just about always did. Halt says it's the knight's code."
"It is," she confirmed. "Are you hungry?" she glanced around the kitchen. "I can get you something to eat. But I don't have any plum tarts, I haven't made them since…" she broke off, shaking her head. "I'm just silly. It doesn't really matter, but I just couldn't bring myself to it."
"I understand," Will put a hand on her shoulder. "It's the same way I feel. I know he wouldn't want it, but I can't help it."
"Crowley told me, he told me that Sir David sent me a message," she shook her head as she startled bustling about, making a plate for him. Will figured it was in part to make herself feel better, for she had to realize he would not eat that much. Cold cuts, fresh bread, butter and cheese filled the plate to overflowing. "It's so kind of him, don't you think? He wouldn't have to think about someone like me, but he still did. I guess that's where Gilan got it from, he was always so considerate," putting the plate in front of Will she filled a tall mug with cold milk.
"Sir David is a good man," Will agreed as he started picking at the food.
"He said if I ever needed anything, I should let him know," she mused as she put the milk down.
"If he said it, he meant it," Will was certain of that. Sir David didn't make an empty promise, no more than Gilan ever had. "He, gave me Gilan's sword…"
"I think Gilan would have approved of that," Jenny allowed herself to smile. "As long as you didn't try to use it," she added teasingly. "You'd cut off your foot."
"I'm glad you have so much confidence in me," he snorted dryly as he started picking through the food on his plate. Pilling cold roast beef on a slice of bread with some pickles and cheese.
"I've watched Gilan train with Sir Rodney, Wallace and Baron Arald," Jenny shrugged. "It's like he did not even have to try. I've never seen anyone else be able to do that, not even Horace. I didn't think anyone could be better than Gilan…." Ducking away she dabbed at her eyes with the apron.
"They weren't better than him, they were worse than him," Will stated in a dark tone, tearing a chunk of bread into crumbs. "They were despicable, murdering devils, they were not better than him in any way. They were just evil, pure evil!"
"I miss him," now Jenny did not even try to hide the tears in her eyes.
Not looking up from the bread he was mutilating, Will nodded.
"He gave me flowers once," Jenny picked up a small jar of spice to fiddle with. "Well, me and Alyss… He gave us both flowers."
"He did?" at hearing that Gilan had given Alyss flowers, Will felt a brief pang of jealousy, then he remembered why that wasn't important anymore and lowered his eyes in shame, feeling sick.
"It was on Harvest Day, when we were about eleven," Jenny smiled, obviously knowing what he was thinking.
"Oh," Will blushed. Every year after harvest there would come a travelling circus to the Fief with their games and their fire eaters and jugglers. Baron Arald paid for it, and had always been generous. Even the ward children would get to attend, in the finest clothes they had they would usually get a few coppers to spend on the attractions and the treats. "I didn't know you knew Gilan then?" He certainly had no memory of it. It struck him as odd sometimes, that he had never really been aware at any point that Halt had an apprentice, and yet Gilan would have lived in the cabin just as he had. He remembered seeing Halt during that time, but never Gilan.
"We didn't," she smiled again. "We were going down to the fair, and some farmers boys started making fun of us for being ward children," her face darkened at that. "They made fun of us because our dresses were hand me downs, and they threw mud at us. It was horrible, we were so ashamed and we were crying. They were big boys, much older, I guess they thought they were tough. Then he was just there, we thought it was Halt first, with the cloak, but then we realized it wasn't. He took on all four of them, and sent them running. We were so upset because of the mud on our dresses, but he was so sweet, picked us flowers and he even got Lady Sandra to lend Alyss a shawl, because the mud on her dress showed so badly. I was too shy to ask his name then, and I don't think he remembered it later. It was just how he was, always so sweet and kind."
"I remember how Alyss came back," Will suddenly was able to draw it to mind. She had had a delicately embroidered shawl covering the mud on her dress. "She never told me what happened." He remembered how insistent she had been on returning the shawl before anything could happen to it.
"George helped us press the flowers and save them," Jenny shook her head. "I still have them, I thought I'd tell him how much it meant to me. It wasn't always easy to be in the ward when the others made fun of you. I suppose Gilan knew a lot of what it was like, even if he had his dad. Not having known his mother."
"I think he would have been as kind even if he didn't," that much Will could state with confidence. "And I think he enjoyed teaching those boys a lesson."
"He probably did," Jenny agreed with a light giggle. "It wasn't the first time they bothered us, but they never did it again."
"He probably made sure of it," Will took a long drink of the milk, surprised that he actually felt better. Jenny mourned as well, he had known that, but he realized she did it differently. She was remembering the good things, the happy memories, while Will had been focusing on his own guilt.
That didn't seem right though, Gilan was always smiling, happy, cheerful and generous. He shouldn't be remembered by nothing but dark moods and guilt. He should be remembered for what had made him the man he was.
Taking another slice of bread he started fixing it up with ham, mustard, salad and cheese, passing it to Jenny who accepted it with a small smile. "Crowley told me a couple of things from when Gilan was an apprentice," he started. That was what Gilan would want him to do, he would want him to look out for Jenny. To make sure she was okay and not too sad. He would want him to share the good things, the happy times, and for them to support each other.
"I think it was his second year, but I'm not sure," he smiled softly. "Crowley didn't tell me all the details, but Halt must have been so frustrated…"
It didn't fix anything, some things can't be fixed, but when he left the Restaurant later, Will felt just a little bit better about things, and at least that was something.
TBC Please review, the caffeine addicted Cricket is hungry…
