Coai Week 2023 - Little by Little
By Crystal Snowflakes
IV. help me breathe || give me air
As much as he always complained how boring school was, it was a relief to be back. At least now, it seemed like there was somewhere to go instead of slowly rotting away; he'd been forced to stay home for a few days so his damn shoulder could heal.
The moment he slid the door open and stepped foot into the classroom, the kids flocked around him, eagerly questioning him about his latest adventure. He allowed their excitement to wash over him as he sat down at his usual desk, but he couldn't help but notice that none of them were quite surprised by the shoulder splint, the bandages on his face, or the slight limp in his step.
His deskmate—his confidante, his friend, his partner—who he'd been half-avoiding—partly out of shame and guilt and embarrassment—glanced up from the book she was reading and gave him a tentative smile. He'd been dreading this moment ever since he knew he was going back to school, even if she didn't know it.
"How are you feeling?" she asked, her voice soft as she put down her book. It looked obvious she was genuinely concerned, and he felt the guilt and shame burn all the brighter.
He tried hard not to squirm under her gaze and forced a noncommittal shrug before fidgeting with the sleeve of his shirt. The fabric under his shoulder splint bunched uncomfortably; worst was, it was beginning to itch again. "Better than I look," he muttered.
"Is that so?" she asked, skeptical but not unkind. His gaze finally rose to meet hers.
It was a mistake.
Her eyes were painfully intense, and he had the distinct feeling that she could see right through him. He felt vulnerable and exposed as she stared at him, but he couldn't bring himself to look away. She wasn't pitying him, that much was obvious. But she also wasn't angry with him. If anything, it seemed like she was more understanding than anything else, even if a small frown was tugging at her lips.
"Yea. Why wouldn't I be?"
Before she could respond, the sound of the door sliding open could be heard, and the teacher's voice rang across the room. She let out a sigh, breaking eye contact, and he released the breath he didn't realize he'd been holding.
But her skepticism was warranted. As the morning progressed, his thoughts wandered, and inevitably, they turned down a path that had gotten him in the hospital—however unintended—in the first place. And they continued to spiral. The grief and loss that he thought he'd buried came flooding back to the surface.
By the time the bell rang, he was barely keeping his head above water as he tried desperately to get some semblance of control over his emotions. And without waiting for anyone else, he fled the room. His footsteps echoed up the stairwell, and although he knew the rooftop exit was bolted, he needed to find somewhere he could be alone—just until he got his head on straight again.
He didn't know how long he sat on the steps staring blindly at the wall, but soft footsteps could be heard paddling up, and he knew who it was without looking. She remained quiet even after she sat down next to him; he didn't turn to look at her, and he didn't know whether to feel guilty or thankful for her presence.
Finally, he broke the silence.
"You don't have to be here, you know," he said quietly, and he hated how hollow his words sounded.
There was a heavy pause before she spoke, "I know."
He closed his eyes, and he hated how his vision blurred. It wasn't like him to want to cry. But the emotions continued to claw at him, demanding to be released. The weight of everything that he'd been through pressed against him, weighing him down, and he felt like there was no escaping it.
She leaned over and placed her hand over the back of his.
"I'm not okay," he admitted suddenly, and he felt his composure begin to slip.
He knew she knew.
Still, it felt like a weight off his chest when he said it out loud.
Her fingers curled just slightly tighter around his.
"I know."
Author's Notes: Because he's emotionally stunted and can't ask for help, but the closest he can do to asking for help is admitting that he's not doing okay XD
Completed: September 1, 2023
