Chapter 16: A Burglar in the Evening

Bilbo: So, about negotiating with the men of Lake-Town…

Thorin: Not happening.

Balin: Sir, we are down to three beans as our only food supplies.

Thorin: It's fine, we just need to hold out until our allies from the Iron Hills get here.

Dwalin: Sir, that could be weeks.

Thorin: Then you're going to have to stretch those three beans out a lot.

Bilbo: …this is gonna suck.

Thorin: You know what also sucks? NOT HAVING THE ARKENSTONE!

Bilbo: Are you still on that?

Fili: He's not going to think of anything else.

Kili: You might want to get used to some mild starvation.

Bilbo: …yeah, I'm just going to take enough money to repair my house and then go.

Thorin: NOBODY LEAVES UNTIL I HAVE THE ARKENSTONE! Bombur, make sure if that.

Bombur: Why me?

Thorin: Because you're fat enough to block the exits.

Bombur: *sigh* Fuck you sir.

*that night*

Bilbo: *putting on his ring* Well, I guess they forgot I had this. Now to just sneak out of…

Bombur: Bilbo, just because you have a magic ring, doesn't mean I can't hear you.

Bilbo: Uhh…

Bombur: Now, if you're going to sneak out, I suggest you hit me with that frying pan.

Bilbo: …what?

Bombur: I'm not sure if you noticed, but the king has kind of gone insane.

Bilbo: Yeah, I definitely noticed that.

Bombur: Now none of us can leave, which means the other guys are going to starve us out. However, if you knock me out, I can at least claim you overpowered me.

Bilbo: Won't hitting you with a frying pan hurt?

Bombur: Nah, there's about six layers of fat protecting my skull. I'll be fine.

Bilbo: Couldn't you just fall asleep and I leave the dented frying pan next to you?

Bombur: Yeah, but where's the fun it that?

Bilbo: Wait…do you get off on this?

Bombur: SHUT UP AND HIT ME DADDY!

Bilbo: …ugh… *hits Bombur with the frying pan*

*near the men's camp*

Bilbo: *wearing the ring* Okay, it's not that much further, just over this ridge, and… *Bilbo slips, and falls into a creek* Damn it.

Dave: *holding a bow and arrow* Who goes there?

Bilbo: *thinking* Just relax. They can't see you.

Keith: Whoever you are, we can see the water flowing around you.

Bilbo: …shit *runs behind a rock as Dave fires* Hey, come on. I'm here on a diplomatic mission *removes his ring*

Dave: WHOA! How did you do that?

Keith: Also, what does diplomatic mean?

Dave: I think it means he needs another arrow in him *starts aiming*

Bilbo: First of all, you didn't even get a first arrow in me *ducks as Dave fires, causing someone to yelp in pain* and second of all, it means I'm here to negotiate.

Keith: What does negotiate mean?

Dave: I think it's another word for diplomatic, which means… *aims another arrow*

Bilbo: *sighs* Is there someone smart I can talk to? *dodges another arrow, causing another yelp of pain offscreen*

Keith: King Bard's pretty smart.

Dave: Yeah, but as his bodyguards, we're meant to keep potential assassins from getting anywhere near him.

Bilbo: If that's the case, why are you here?

Keith: …OH NO, THE KING! *rushes back to the camp, with Dave behind him*

Bilbo: Well, at least I know where to go now *follows them*

*in Bard's tent*

Dave: …but then I totally put seventeen arrows in him in nine seconds, Your Majesty.

Keith: It's true, I saw it.

Bard: Well done Dave, that sounds like a new record for you.

Dave: Well, I don't mean to brag, but I did once fire twelve arrows in four seconds.

Bard: Oh well, it's still impressive.

Dave: Thank you, Your Majesty.

Bilbo: Um, hello? Am I interrupting anything?

Bard: Hello, who are you?

Bilbo: I'm Bilbo Baggins, the hobbit that was travelling with Thorin and the dwarves.

Bard: Huh, I thought Dave killed you.

Dave: Oh, uh, it seems he's a more powerful adversary than anticipated. Don't worry Your Majesty *draws his bow back* I'll take care of this.

Bilbo: Come on, I'm just here to talk.

Dave: Enough talk. Prepare to…

Bard: Hey, what if he's just here to talk? Maybe we should hear him out.

Dave: *accidentally firing his arrow, causing a yelp of pain somewhere nearby* Right you are, Your Majesty.

Bard: And maybe get that Elf King guy, he might be interested too.

Keith: Yes sir.

Thranduil: You realise I've been here the whole time, right?

Keith: Ah, there you are. King Bard wants to talk to you.

Thranduil: …I'll be right there.

Keith: Excellent, I'll let him know *turning to face Bard* Your Majesty, the Elvenking will be here shortly.

Bard: Good to hear.

Bilbo: …should we get started while they catch up?

Thranduil: Give it a moment.

Keith: …hey, King Thranduil, when'd you get here?

Bard: Truly a grand race, able to sneak in without the notice of us men.

Bilbo: …right…

Thranduil: You get used to it when you deal with them long enough. Anyway, what brings you down from the mountain?

Bilbo: This *puts the Arkenstone on the table*

Bard: Holy crap!

Thranduil: Is that…

Bard: A really fucking big diamond.

Thranduil: It's the Arkenstone.

Bard: Silly Thranduil, it's clearly just a big diamond.

Thranduil: …sure. Anyway, Mr. Baggins, why are you giving this to us?

Bilbo: Because Thorin has gone batshit crazy, and I believe giving this to you will make him more open to negotiations.

Thranduil: Or make him crazier.

Bilbo: Or that. Either way, he'll have to let the others out before they all starve.

Bard: Well, you can rely on us to aggravate the situation.

Bilbo: Oh, I bet you will. Now, I'm going to go check on the others, see how they're holding up.

Gandalf: A good idea Mr. Baggins.

Bilbo: When the fuck did you come back?

Gandalf: What? You act like I've been gone a long time.

Bilbo: Yeah, because you've been gone for half the book. Where the fuck were you anyway?

Gandalf: Oh, just dealing with a necromancer that had his ring tickled.

Bilbo: …I no longer wish to hear more about this.