Chapter 3: I held your hair back when, You were throwing up

Four Months Before Season 5

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Sasha Cooper sat across the desk from Danny. She looked at him steadily over her cup. "There are going to be conditions, Danny."

He nodded, hoping that his relief didn't show on his face. He needed this job. Something that he was good at. After the mess he made of everything at home, he needed one thing in his life that wasn't a complete cluster-fuck, and the Navy already said no. Not right now, according to Tom. Not until you get it together, Green, according to Slattery. The latter likely more accurate given that Mike was the one who hushed up the whole thing about the unauthorized discharge of Kara's weapon by a civilian. As if the investigation hadn't rankled enough, the fact that Kara got a demerit on her record because of him had been a slap in the face. A reminder that he wasn't just screwing up his own life right now, he was also managing to hurt Kara and Frankie as well.

The one thing he swore never to do.

Danny looked directly at Sasha. "Whatever you want, I'll do it."

But Sasha didn't smile. "First, thirty days in treatment." She paused, waiting for Danny to object, when he didn't she continued. "That's non-negotiable. I can't take the risk of someone on my team losing it at the wrong moment. I need to know that your head is going to be where it needs to be."

As painful as the words were, Danny couldn't fault Sasha. Kara didn't trust him to be alone with his own kid. Hell, Danny didn't blame her for that - he didn't trust himself to be alone around Frankie either. But he could hardly expect Sasha to simply take his word that the field was the one place she could trust him. Danny was going to have to prove himself all over again. Honestly, the only reason he was even eligible for contractor status was that he hadn't screwed up at work. Yet.

"You find the program and I'll go. One condition. Nobody tells Kara where I am. Just that I'm on a mission."

"Danny..." Sasha's voice softened. "There's nothing shameful about PTSD. I talk to someone regularly myself. So do Wolf and Azima. I made it a requirement for working with me. After what we've been through...none of us can handle this on our own. Telling Kara will help, I promise."

But Danny shook his head. "No. I need to figure stuff out with work first, and then I'll talk to her."

Except Danny knew that he wouldn't.

He had put Kara through enough already. The look on her face last night as she told him that she thought he was dead had shattered him. Because it was the same look she wore all those years ago when he found her in San Diego among the boxcars. The same look she wore when he arrived back on the Nathan James after the shooting in Malta. Kara was worried about him hurting himself. And worse, Danny couldn't tell her that she was wrong. Because the truth was so, so much worse.

He was scared - terrified - of hurting Frankie.

Still, that incident with the gun shook even him. He knew perfectly well what he was doing when he took the keys from Kara's purse. When he retrieved her gun. When he sat under those stairs and wondered whether there was any point in moving forward. The instant that the gun went off, he recognized what a horrible mistake he had just made. But even then, he couldn't move. Couldn't run upstairs to tell Kara that everything was okay. Instead, he sat there, frozen, waiting for her to find him.

Expecting to find his dead body.

No, Danny had done enough to Kara and by extension Frankie. This would allow them to stay safe while he got his head on straight - if he could he get his head on straight. And, if not, at least they could move on with their lives without him.

They would be safe.

"Danny..." Sasha began.

He cut her off. "It's better this way. I'll talk to Kara when I get back. What are the other conditions?"

Sasha hesitated, as though she might argue, then continued. "This isn't some resort, Danny. You'll have to do the work. And you'll have to sign all the release forms so that I can monitor you. If I feel like you aren't taking this seriously, you're out."

Danny could feel sweat breaking out on his forehead but what else could he do. This was his last chance. The only thing that he had left in his life. He couldn't - wouldn't - screw this up. "Fine."

Sasha continued. "After thirty days, there will be mandatory weekly counseling sessions unless we're in the field. Random piss tests. We always work in pairs. No exceptions. Playing lone wolf gets people killed. Orders are by consensus. Decisions by a majority are final. Any deviation will result in immediate termination. You'll be a contractor so no official rank, although benefits will remain the same. But contracts can be terminated at will so there is no second chance here. You don't follow the rules, you're out. Understood?"

"Yes, ma'am." Sasha could have conditioned his participation on Danny building a spaceship and he would have agreed. "When can I start?"

Sasha picked up the phone. "Give me a minute."

Fifteen minutes later, Danny was on his way home with Wolf to pack. Sasha was clear, be at the facility by 1600 or he was out. Ditch Wolf and he was out. And he wasn't going to be out. The house was silent when he arrived, Kara still at work and Frankie at Debbie's house. Wolf lounged against the wall, scrolling on his phone silently.

Swinging his duffle onto his shoulder, Danny turned. "I'm ready."

"Aren't you going to call Kara?" Wolf asked, and Danny could hear the edge to his voice. A reminder that Wolf was not just Danny's friend, but Kara's as well. And clearly not happy with the awkward position that he was being placed in.

"I wrote her a note," Danny said, hoping that would suffice. He knew it was the coward's way out. That Kara would be furious - rightfully. But the idea of calling her, of listening to the lengthening silences as he told her that he was leaving, the obfuscating and even lying to avoid telling her where he was going.

This was better.

Walking out the door, Danny dropped the paper on the counter, setting the salt shaker on top so it wouldn't accidently float away.

Kara - Sasha made me an offer that I couldn't refuse but it meant leaving immediately. Shouldn't be gone more than a month. I'll call when I can. Kiss Frankie for me. I love you. Danny