Chapter 55
"'Home alone'? That's a Christmas movie. Are you serious?" Regina wanted to know incredulously when she came into the living room two hours later with a tray on which three cups of hot cocoa were steaming away.
Henry rose from his crouched position in front of the DVD player and shrugged. "Emma picked. I had also suggested 'Ice Age' and 'Stardust'."
"And those were both good ideas, too, but I didn't get much out of Christmas this year and wanted to catch up," Emma nodded with an exhausted smile and half-closed eyes. She was lying on the sofa with two blankets on top of her, and yet she was still freezing. By now, however, she believed that the relentless shivering was not due to her adventure in the snow, but to the sheer overexertion that the subsequent hot bath and substantial lunch had brought. Neither had she been cold after they had come back inside, nor had she been hungry, but she had not wanted to offend Regina and had simply let the whole procedures wash over her for her comfort.
Regina set the tray down on the coffee table and stroked Emma's cheek. "I see." She eyed her and her worry line dug deeper. "We don't have to watch a movie, you can just get some sleep."
"I'm fine," Emma affirmed, shifting her gaze to the cocoa to change the subject. "And after this wonderfully chocolaty beverage indulges my taste buds, I think I'll be much better."
"I'll get some more cookies," Henry said, disappearing into the kitchen.
"You're shivering, Emma," Regina's voice said after their son was no longer in the room.
The young woman nodded and pushed one of the blankets slightly away from her to sit up to drink. "Yeah, but I'm not cold. Honestly, I'm not."
"But you're shivering," Regina persisted in her observation, helping her girlfriend lean against a stack of pillows so she didn't have to hold her head up herself.
Emma swallowed the rising pain and nodded. "Yeah, I'm shivering. But it has nothing to do with the temperature. It was just..." She interrupted herself and closed her eyes for a while. That was all so wrong it hurt. "The bath was exhausting," she finally finished her sentence in a whisper, blinking away the tears that had gathered behind her lids. "Can you pass me my cup, please?" Emma's fingers closed around the china the moment Henry returned and set a plate of chocolate chip cookies on the table.
"Do you want anything else?" the teenager inquired of his mothers, to which they both shook their heads.
"Thank you, Henry," Regina only said softly, before turning back to Emma.
"Shall we get started then?" the latter wanted to know after she had blown into her cup and taken a first, careful sip of the sweet drink.
"Sure," Henry nodded and reached for the remote to start the DVD while he made himself comfortable cross-legged in one of the cozy armchairs.
Regina took a stiff seat on the couch next to Emma's feet, torn between wanting to spend this afternoon in harmony with her family and needing to give Emma the much-needed rest her body was craving.
"Relax," Emma whispered, just as there was a wild commotion in Kevin's house because the family had overslept.
Henry was completely engrossed in the movie and was having the time of his life.
Regina's jaw tightened before she turned her gaze to Emma, who held out her hand. She stared at it and then leaned in a little to close her fingers around it. Her shoulders slumped slightly at the touch and she took a deep breath.
"I'm fine," Emma gently reassured her, squeezing her girlfriend's hand.
Regina nodded slowly and leaned back against the back of the sofa for the first time since the movie had started.
Relieved, Emma smiled a little before closing her eyes and listening to the dialogue and Henry's occasional laughter for a while longer. Since Zelena had left for the farm with Robin after lunch, there was otherwise silence throughout the house, so it wasn't long before she had fallen asleep.
When the credits rolled across the screen an hour later, Henry turned off the volume and turned to Regina, who had laid Emma down properly in the middle of the movie, which she hadn't even noticed. Now her legs were across her lap. "Are you mad, Mom?", Henry wanted to know in a whisper so as not to wake Emma.
"What makes you think that?" Regina asked back just as quietly, turning her eyes on him.
He hesitated and looked briefly at Emma. "Well, because... It's cold outside, and yet we brought Ma out."
"It may not have been the most sensible thing to do, but I'm not mad at you," Regina assured her son. "I think she really needed it."
Henry smiled slightly and nodded in agreement. "She seemed happy."
Regina swallowed hard and gently stroked Emma's lower legs as she studied her face.
"Do you think she's worse than she admits?", Henry wanted to know seriously after watching her for a while.
"At least, she's told me far too often today that she's fine. That means the exact opposite in most cases."
"Maybe you're just worrying too much. I think she's been less depressed than usual the last few days," Henry indicated.
Silent at first, Regina looked away from Henry and again at Emma's features, which were noticeably more relaxed when she was asleep than when she was awake. "I'm just afraid that..." She didn't know how to put it into words, especially in front of her son. But she took another deep breath and turned her gaze back to Henry. "I'm afraid that she has begun to accept her fate and seems happier because of it. It feels like any burden has fallen off her and she doesn't bother to fight anymore." She paused and shook her head to herself. "I shouldn't be talking to you about something like this."
"Yes, you should, Mom," Henry contradicted, placing his hand over hers. "I've thought about something similar. But then I told myself, 'Emma's not like that.' She was never afraid of dying, she kept saying so right at the beginning. She was only afraid of what would become of the both of us. She won't just give up on herself, I'm sure of it."
Regina smiled wryly and stroked the edge of his hand with her thumb. "I hope you're right."
Returning the smile, Henry got up quietly and hugged Regina gently, careful not to disturb Emma's sleep. "I'll be upstairs if you need me, okay?" he whispered, which Regina acknowledged with a nod.
On the one hand, she was glad to have Henry and to be able to talk to him so openly about everything, but on the other hand, it felt so wrong to talk to him about Emma's disease. He shouldn't have to worry about whether his mother was giving up on herself or whether she was struggling, and he certainly shouldn't be comforting them both. It was their job to comfort him, not the other way around.
While Regina ruminated to herself, a few more minutes passed before Emma turned her head back and forth restlessly a few times and finally opened her eyes. Since the lights in the room were dim, it didn't take long for her to adjust to the brightness and eye Regina, who was staring ahead. "Hey," she whispered, trying not to startle her.
"Hey." Regina turned to her and wrestled a smile from herself. "You slept through the movie."
Emma nodded. "Never mind, I expected that. The main thing is that Henry had his fun." Her back ached from lying in the same position for so long, so she pulled her legs off Regina's lap and turned onto her side with effort and a pinched face. "I'm fine," she said when she lay still again and noticed Regina's gaze.
"Emma..." the latter began, sliding closer towards her head so that she could comfortably take her girlfriend's hand in hers. "You don't have to keep saying that. Especially not when you're clearly not fine."
"That's not true. I'm fine. Even though 'fine' has a different meaning in my case than it does for healthy people," Emma admitted, searching her gaze. "I really enjoyed the day. For the first time in a long time, it felt like I was actually still participating in life."
This statement stabbed Regina right in the heart, but she could understand her. Even though they always tried to let Emma participate in everyday life, it hadn't been that easy for quite some time. The disease and the medications made her so tired that she almost only slept, and the pain further forced her to move as little as possible, making any leisure activities impossible.
"I've thought of something, Regina," Emma finally said sluggishly, whose tongue was still a little heavy after sleeping.
Prepared for the worst, the brunette eyed her. "And that would be?"
"I'd like to invite Loraine to your birthday party, if you don't mind," she explained, "I know it's your birthday and technically it's already over and she's my friend, but..."
Regina unconsciously breathed a sigh of relief and nodded. "I think that's a good idea. Of course I don't mind."
Emma tilted her head and eyed her with a raised brow. "What were you expecting?"
"Nothing at all. What do you mean?"
Snorting, Emma pushed herself slightly up on her forearms to get a better look at her. "You were clearly relieved just now."
"No, I..." But Emma's questioning look made her sigh and look away from her. "You seem so... I almost want to say... content lately. I can't shake the fear that at some point you're going to tell me you want to stop treatment and that it's okay for you to die." Her voice broke at the end of the sentence and only Emma's cool fingers in hers could still somehow ground her.
"Regina, I think I've made it very clear that I'm fighting for Henry and you, right? I'm not going to stop doing that just because I don't feel like it anymore."
"It's just... I might even understand," Regina whispered, her eyes fixed on their interlocked fingers and on the verge of tears.
"Come here," Emma begged, reaching her arms out to her. While it was ultimately more like Regina helping her up so they could hold each other in their arms, it didn't matter. Gently, Emma placed a hand on the back of her neck and kissed her briefly but tenderly. "As tempting as it may seem to give up sometimes: I won't. I'm not going to let this cancer take the field without a fight. You should know me that well. However, if at some point all hope is gone, I can't guarantee anything. I'm sorry."
Regina nodded slowly and rested her head in the crook of Emma's neck. "I think that sounds fair," she whispered.
"Good, well... Then I'll call Loraine and tell her about my idea. Knowing her, she'll refuse at first, but I'm hell-bent on changing her mind," Emma then changed the subject.
"You can tell her I'd love for her to celebrate with us." The two women knew next to nothing about each other, but Regina would never forget the way she had offered to talk about what was bothering her when she had been so distraught in the waiting room. Even though she hadn't accepted the offer then, that gesture showed her how selfless Loraine was.
"I definitely will. Thank you." Lost in thought, her fingers brushed through Regina's soft hair and the desire to spoil her and show her how much she loved her became almost overwhelming at that moment. "There's nothing I can offer you anymore," she said monotonously.
"You have no idea how much you're already giving me just by holding me in your arms," Regina countered, snuggling closer to Emma's slim body.
"I know. But that's just not enough for me."
"Don't you think it's more important if it's enough for me?" she asked.
Emma sighed and buried her face in Regina's hair. Deeply, she inhaled the smell of her apple shampoo and closed her eyes. Life could be so beautiful without all these obstacles. Not for the first time, she wondered if everything was getting doubly complicated for her just because she was the Savior. "It is. Just... I'm afraid I might never be the same again, even if I get better. Maybe one day you'll wake up and realize you don't feel anything for me anymore and you went through all this crap for nothing."
"Miss Swan, don't be silly."
Emma snorted and let her fingertips brush Regina's upper arm. "Why? Wouldn't it be possible?"
"No, it wouldn't. It took us long enough to admit our feelings for each other. Such a little bout of cancer can't change that," she countered, enjoying the gentle touch of Emma's fingertips for a moment longer before lifting her head and placing a hand against Emma's cheek. "I love you."
The words brushed across Emma's lips as a soft breath, twisting them into a smile before Regina's soft mouth pressed familiarly to hers. A warm feeling flowed through Emma and as she returned the never-ending kiss, her hands holding Regina tightly against her.
The mayor knew they shouldn't overdo it, but if the caresses made Emma feel even half as good as she did, it was all worth it.
When their lips finally parted again, Emma wasn't ready to let Regina pull away again, so she left her hands at her back and held her in a tight embrace. "I love you too." Never before had she found it so easy to say the words, and never before had the urge been so strong to propose to Regina on the spot, a proposal that had been long overdue. But she had vowed to withhold it until she was sure she was going to be okay, and she would stick to that, tempting as it was.
Closing her eyes, Regina enjoyed the way Emma's gentle fingers painted patterns on her back and pressed a kiss to the side of her neck. She felt the embrace change over time; how Emma no longer held her, but rather sank into her arms.
"I think I'm going to have to lie down again soon," Emma then murmured against Regina's ear. She sighed, an expression of frustration and pain.
"I know," Regina said quietly, "You should get some more sleep and in the meantime, I'll make dinner."
"But first I have to go to the bathroom." She looked away from her and at the wheelchair standing next to the sofa. It was the most embarrassing moments of the day, but by now her bladder was so full that her abdomen was already hurting and she couldn't possibly hold it in any longer.
Regina knew how uncomfortable Emma was when she needed help, no matter what form it took, which is why she took the blanket from her and then stood rather passively next to her, waiting to see what she managed to do herself.
Gritting her teeth, Emma slid to the edge of the sofa and closed her hand around the armrest of the wheelchair while she used the other to push herself up off the couch. But the day took its toll, and instead of repositioning herself, she simply sank back onto the sofa.
It took all Regina's strength not to intervene until she was asked for help while watching her girlfriend's rapid breaths.
After regaining some strength, Emma tried again and this time managed to take a seat in the wheelchair. Relieved, a brief smile slid across her face before she put a shaking hand to her forehead and tried to collect herself again. Finally, she raised her eyes to Regina and put her hands on the wheels of the chair. "I'll be fine, you go ahead and take care of dinner, Henry will be hungry."
"It won't take long, I can help you first and then..."
With a shake of her head, Emma silenced her. "I can do this."
"Leave the door open so I can hear you calling," Regina conceded more than reluctantly, giving her shoulder a quick squeeze. She didn't have a good feeling as she walked into the kitchen, leaving Emma to her own devices. With her ears pricked up, she chopped the vegetables so that she wouldn't miss Emma trying to make herself heard.
The latter remained sitting in the living room for a few moments to regain her strength, but her full bladder became more and more uncomfortable and finally forced her to make her way to the bathroom. The distance to get there seemed like a trip around the world, and when she finally pushed her pants down with the last of her strength and sat down on the toilet, a cold sweat had broken out on her forehead. Every breath burned in her lungs, but she was glad to finally be able to relieve herself. The fact that the guest bathroom was so narrow also benefited her in this situation, as it allowed her to lean her heated, throbbing forehead against the pleasant coolness of the tiled wall opposite the toilet.
It took several minutes for her heartbeat to calm down to some extent and her breathing to slow down. With difficulty, she got her pants back into place and then took a seat on the closed toilet. Already this short effort had pushed her to her limits again, but this time even deep, steady breaths did not help against the rising dizziness. Black spots crept into her field of vision from the edges and her mouth became abruptly dry. "Regina." But her girlfriend's name was barely a whisper, and when she lost consciousness, it was the loud bang with which she fell to the floor, not her cry for help, that alerted Regina.
