I wasn't sure how long I sat on my knees in the feeble light. My legs and feet had long ago gone numb. I hadn't noticed since the same feeling echoed through the rest of my body. Was this really it? Was Susan abandoning me? I was afraid to move, ever hopeful that she would return, an apology on her lips. As the time stretched on, my hope was being chipped away. I moved my position, allowing blood to return to my limbs, relieved I was able to feel anything, even if it was stabbing pins and needles. I closed my eyes, willing myself to focus on the physical pain and ignore my life falling apart around me.
All at once, I was overcome by a crushing weight. Not a metaphorical weight, actual crushing weight. Pain surged in my right leg as I yelled out at the sudden agony, my eyes flying open. Something heavy hit my head and rolled to the floor while something else fell over me, tangling itself in my legs.
Severus hoisted himself up on elbows to look at me, his legs twisted up in mine. "What are you doing on the floor?" he groaned.
"It's my flat, I can sit where I like." I snarked, annoyance building in me with every throb of pain from my legs and head. "What are you doing here?"
"I brought your things," he said, holding out a twig-like something. My wand! I snatched it from his hand and held it close to my chest. "Besides, I wanted to make sure you were alrig–"
"Well, I'm not!" I shouted over him. Annoyance had turned to anger. "I'm not alright and I don't think anything will be alright ever again! Susan has completely washed her hands of me, and now, thanks to you, I'm in pain!" I rubbed my leg as tears welled in my eyes. I knew the physical hurt I was feeling was nothing compared to what was happening in my head and my heart. The feel of abandonment and the swirling thoughts of fear in my head made me reactive. I wanted someone else to hurt, too. "You always make everything worse, please, just leave."
"What do you mean Susan washed her hands of you?" He asked, separating his legs from mine and ignoring the acidic accusation I had hurled at him. He crawled over to me, pulling my carpet bag from beside me. That must be what hit me in the head. Gently holding my face in his hands, he looked me over before pressing his lips softly to my forehead. My anger immediately melted away leaving me feeling horrible and apologetic.
The new feelings were too much and forced the tears over the edge, flowing down my cheeks. "I'm sorry." I cried pulling him into a hug. His arms wrapped around me without hesitation. "I'm sorry I yelled at you."
After a moment, he pulled out of the hug, holding me out gently by the shoulders, examining me. His eyes held mine, the concern within them did not dissipate with my apology. He shook his head. "Now what's this about Susan?"
I took a deep breath and told him about our argument, that I didn't tell her anything of his plan and had hoped that she trusted me enough to take my word that he wasn't bad. "She forbade me from seeing the children." I said, a hollowness in my tone. "She's never done that before. What if this is it?" The tears poured from my eyes again, making my speech harder. "What if I never see her again?"
Severus pulled me in close, pressing my head to his chest. "You two always make up." he whispered, smoothing my hair in a soothing gesture. "She'll come around. I think she needs you just as much as you need her. Friendships like yours don't just disappear."
"This time feels different." I squeaked out of my tight throat.
I felt his lips press against the top of my head. "Did I injure you at all when I landed?"
I shook my head but paused. "I don't know." I whispered.
"You're tired." he breathed. "Come on," he said, shifting his body. "Let's go to bed."
Warmth flowed through me at his suggestion. I wanted nothing more than to curl up under the covers with Severus and allow myself to be lost in his intimacy. A sensation of someone pouring water over a flame came over me and I was filled with a cold hollowness. "No, you have to go back to Hogwarts. Phineas Nigellus is right, I'm a distraction and you have important tasks that need to be completed."
I felt him tense against me. "You heard that, did you?" I nodded. "Don't listen to Phineas, no one liked him when he was alive and I don't think opinions have changed much after death."
"But what about Dumbledore?" I asked. "He seemed to echo Phineas' concerns."
He inhaled deeply, letting the air out in a slow controlled stream through his nose. "Dumbledore's good opinion of me, once very important, has lost a vast majority of its significance. I realise now that he took my freedom when I asked for help, he removed you from me when he feared I would no longer carry out his will, he took my life when he forced me to take his. Dumbledore was a great wizard, I cannot deny that and he will always have my loyalty, but I am not convinced this all couldn't have been handled differently, though I'm powerless to change it now."
I looked up at him, he was already looking at me. His dark eyes glittered in the low light as they rested on me. Something in his gaze shifted as his brow furrowed. He lifted a hand gently to my chin, lifting my jaw, turning my head to the side, and exposing my throat. His fingers slid lightly down my neck, a jolt of sudden pain made me jump back from his touch. My own hand flew instinctively to the ache. An image of Amycus Carrow with his wand pressed into my throat played in my mind.
His face filled with determination as he shook his head. "No, I'm not leaving you. I can't stand the thought of you alone."
"They'll wonder where you've gone." I argued. "Especially, since I can imagine that Amycus is going to have some very hefty accusations against me once he wakes up. If you're missing and I'm missing…" I sighed. "You can't stay."
He rubbed his brow with exhaustion. "I don't want you to be alone tonight." He said, his eyes filled with a tired melancholy.
"What does it even matter if I'm alone or not?" I asked, a general heaviness settling into my chest. Does anything matter? I was so exhausted and numb that I couldn't see sense in anything. Part of me wanted to isolate myself from everyone, including Severus. I kept my eyes down, picking absent-mindedly at my thumb nail.
Severus placed his hand over both of mine, bringing my fidgeting to a stop. "Ruby," he said, his voice a whisper. I pulled my attention to his face, worry stitched into every line. "You shouldn't be alone after what's just happened to you. Isolation will never help," He spoke as though he could read my mind. "All it will do is give you the space to replay distorted versions of the attack. The amount of times I have replayed what I did to Albus inside my head…there are versions in which I am watching it unfold like a spectator and I can see the look on my own face, like I enjoyed the taking of his life. It makes me question whether I might actually be the monster everyone suspects I am. But it's not real, I know how I felt at that moment. I felt despair, guilt, reluctance, even anger, but there was nothing even close to enjoyment. Dwelling can lead to perversion, I will not allow you to dwell on your own. I know you have this need to appear unbothered, we both do, but you should be somewhere you feel safe with people who love you."
"I feel safe here." I asserted.
He shook his head. "The people are far more important than the place. I can't tell you how much better I feel since you came back into my life. I was in this perpetual state of 'getting by'. I wasn't happy and I was unreasonably rude to students. What it feels like now is that I had been completing tasks, but I was never really problem lies in that I had always considered needing someone to be a sign of weakness, that if I couldn't handle everything on my own that it was because I wasn't good enough. But it's not true, it's alright to need someone. I need you, Ruby. Just being near you…is…I don't have the words." His mouth twitched up at the corner as he took my face in his hands, his eyes holding mine with a serious gaze. "I know that you need someone right now, whether you want to admit it or not, and if I can't be that person, then I need you to promise me that you will go to Surrey tonight. Spend Christmas with your family. Promise me you won't be alone."
My feet landed hard on the frozen ground. Clouds of steam, shimmering white in the moonlight, unfurling themselves into dissipating tendrils as I breathed out a calming breath. I closed my eyes, willing the calm to spread through me. Cold stung my cheeks from my still wet lashes, now freezing in the frigid night air. I hadn't been able to stop the surge of sobs and Severus had stayed far too long holding me as I shook, gasping in desperately against the panic growing in my chest. Once again, convinced I was better, Severus and I parted ways. He returned to Hogwarts and I to my parents'. However, I was finding out that the security I felt was from being in his arms and now that I wasn't better at all. The strings holding me together were beginning to fray. Something rustled in the field, rising paranoia made me think Amycus was hiding in the darkness, waiting to make his move. I quickly rushed inside.
The familiar warmth and smell of my childhood home enveloped me in a blanket of calm. I could smell the Christmas Eve fish pie cooking in the oven. I could hear the sounds of whatever Christmas Eve variety show was on television coming from the sitting room. Rapid footsteps came from that direction, Sean appeared in the doorway, wand lifted.
"What are you doing here?" He demanded. "Mum and dad never said anything about you coming home." He jabbed his wand in my direction.
"Sean, if you keep pointing that thing at me, I swear I'll turn you into a frog." I was in no mood to have another wand pointed at me so soon after my attack at Hogwarts.
He lowered his wand to his side, the tip now pointing to the floor. "Well, that's proof enough for me that you're really you. But what are you doing here and also, you look absolutely terrible."
"Goodness, what would I do without such a sweet and thoughtful brother such as yourself?" I asked sarcastically.
"You'd probably have a completely warped sense of self worth." He considered. "You're too good at too many things and it's my job to keep you humble. Honestly, you should thank me." I rolled my eyes. "What are you doing here? No one said you were coming."
"I wasn't supposed to be. I was supposed to be at Hogwarts all through the break, but now I'm…not." How many times would I have to explain this?
Sean surveyed me for a moment, narrowing his eyes at me as though he were trying to decipher a secret code. He seemed to give up on what he was attempting with a shrug. "Let's go to the kitchen and get you a cup of tea."
"Where are mum and dad?" I asked, curious why they haven't come out to greet me yet.
"They're at church." he said. "They shouldn't be too long now."
"Why aren't you at church?" I asked.
"Because I didn't want to go." Sean answered as he filled the kettle with water and placed it on the stove.
"So, instead, you're sitting around in pyjamas and watching Christmas Eve reruns?" I asked, taking a seat at the kitchen table.
"I also put the fish pie in the oven." He said, pulling mugs from the cupboard. "I've been absolutely swamped and now I have to play host as well."
"How tiring it must be to be you." I said.
"Not as tiring as it must be to be you." he said, reaching for a tin of tea bags. "You seriously look awful, what's going on?"
I set my elbows on the table, slumping over with my head in my hands. I closed my eyes, hiding from having anything like this conversation. A moment or two passed and I heard the scrape of porcelain across the wood table. I lifted my head and wrapped my hands around the mug, staring forward at nothing in particular. I was only partially aware of the heat of the cup in my hands, everything was fuzzy around the edges, as though I were only partially in existence. Even my memory of what happened at the school was beginning to blur, as though I was remembering a dream instead of something that really occurred. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not.
"That's new." Sean said.
It took me a moment to register that he had said anything. I turned my attention slowly to him. "What?"
He nodded at my mug. I picked it up, looking it over. It was white porcelain like all of the mugs mum and dad have had our entire lives. I looked from the plain mug to him, nodding my approval at the new mug that seemed important to him that I acknowledge. "Very nice."
He rolled his eyes. "Not the mug, you dummy. The ring, your ring, I've never seen it before."
"Oh," I said, blankly. This was the item that sent Susan over the edge with me. I should take it off, save myself the trouble of everyone commenting on it. A pain radiated from my chest when I thought of removing it. Severus gave it to me, it was a symbol of him, of me, of us. It felt wrong to take it off, like a betrayal, like I was forsaking him and everything we'd been through. I stared at it, losing myself in the glitter of the jewels.
"It's on a rather specific finger." Sean observed, "And it's a little extravagant to be just a bit of jewellery. Is that why you're here? Are you about to make mum's year by telling her that you and Chip made up and you're engaged?"
"Who is Chip?" I asked in utter confusion.
"I don't know what his name is." Sean groaned. "The posh one that mom still talks about."
"Charlie?" I asked, "She does not."
"She does, too." He insisted. "But if it's not him, then who? Ruby, you've been impressing me lately. Joining rebel causes, going to the school/prison Hogwarts, a secret engagement, I never knew you could be so entertaining. What's his name?"
I shook my head. My brother was a member of the Order and Severus was enemy number two, not far behind Voldemort. There was a moment when I thought the murder of Dumbledore would have propelled him to number one, but Voldemort remained the main concern.
Sean nodded, indicating the ring. "Is he at least a decent person?"
I put my mug down. Elbows on the table, I folded my hands on top of one another and rested my chin on them. My voice came out low and deliberate. "In reality, he is the best of men." I shook my head. "In popular opinion, he is one of the worst."
Sean's brow furrowed, but he did not inquire further. He had learned early on in his career not to pry, especially when there was no real benefit to knowing. "At least mum will be excited that there's going to be a wedding. I think she's beginning to worry she's raised three duds and her chances for grandkids are dwindling down to zero."
"I can't tell her, Sean." I said, realising just now that engagements are supposed to be joyous things shared with others. It had been Severus and I in our own little world since it happened. We had been happy but now that others were being introduced back into my life, I was beginning to feel a sense of despair that I couldn't share him with my friends and family. It was too complicated. I wanted to go back into the bubble, sequestered with Severus.
"What do you mean? Why not?" he asked.
"I don't even know if there will be a wedding." I said. "I don't want to get her hopes up just to be let down."
"Why would you accept it if you don't think it's going to work?" he asked. "That doesn't seem like you. You overthink everything."
"It's not that I don't think it will work." I said. "I'm afraid he's…" The next words caught in my throat like dry bread. "Going to be taken from me." The tears started again, I was beginning to be very annoyed with myself and this new habit of crying. I let out a frustrated growl as I continued speaking. "It's supposed to all be easy, isn't it? Once you've found true love it's all supposed to fall into place, right? All I do is worry, constantly. Is he alright? Is he hurt? Has he been found out?" I choked on a sob. "Is he dead? It's just a constant cycling of worst case scenarios playing through my mind all of the time. The only time I'm at ease is when I'm with him and even then, I worry that it could be the last time I see him. It's awful and painful and I'm so scared all the time. I can feel it eating away at me like acid."
Sean stared at me, for possibly the first time without a glimmer of sarcasm or humour. His expression was that of genuine concern. "What makes you worry about him so much?"
I paused. A deep, rattling breath shook my body as I fought to regain composure. Sean's attention remained on me as he waited. "He's a..." I whispered, my voice wavering with uncertainty.
The front door opened causing both of us to jump. I pushed my chair back away from the table, wiping my eyes. There was no way I was going to make myself appear normal in the next few seconds. I raised my wand and apparated to my bedroom.
"What was that?" I heard my dad's muffled voice ask from downstairs.
"Ruby's here." Sean answered.
"Ruby?" My mum's voice burst out in excitement. A wave of guilt crashed through me. My presence brought my mother such joy and I hardly ever visited. The last time I was here was because I thought I was going to go to Azkaban for the rest of my life. I hadn't even told my parents what was going on, I was getting my last goodbye but if the trial had gone poorly they never would have had theirs. I'm a terrible daughter.
I caught a glimpse of myself in my vanity mirror, Sean wasn't lying. My nose was red and running, my eyes were puffy and glassy, and my hair was a tangled mess of curls. I did look awful. Thankfully, the red splotches on my neck had faded. Unluckily, the spot where Amycus had jabbed me with his wand was turning a reddish-purple.
I opened one of the drawers of my vanity and pulled out a make-up compact. I sighed. The powder within was one I purchased two shades too dark during a summer when I had high expectations of a coppery tan that never came to be. I put it down and rifled through the drawers. Disappointment struck as I realised it was either summer dreams or face my parents with a questionable bruise on my neck.
I shrugged as I looked over the orange-y splotch on my throat. If I kept my face angled just right under the light, you could hardly notice it. It was the best I had to work with and would have to do. I lifted my hand one more time in an attempt to blend. My ring glittered in the vanity light. It was being noticed by everyone and why wouldn't it be? It was perfect and beautiful. Severus did an outstanding job picking it out. I slowly slid the ring from my finger. It was odd, I hadn't had it for long at all but I already felt naked without it, like a piece of me was missing. I placed it down on the vanity table. I stared at it and my mind flashed to me coming back into my room, the ring gone. I picked it up and put it in my pocket. My imagination played scenes of me sitting down, the ring rolling from my pocket onto the floor, or slipping between the sofa cushions, or even worse, down the drain. How it got to the drain from my pocket was a good question but somehow it all seemed plausible. I slid the ring back onto the safety of my finger and began rifling through more drawers.
Finally I found something that would work. I picked up a long chain, dangling from which was an oversized plastic heart. A gift from Susan for my twelfth birthday. I slid the heart off, replaced it with the ring, and looped the chain around my neck. I ran my fingers over the fabric covered ring, finding reassurance in the feel of it against my body.
I did one more check in the mirror. I had wiped and blown my nose and the redness wasn't as bad. My eyes were still slightly glossy but the puffiness had settled. The orange blob on my throat was glaring. I tilted my chin downward and it toned down in the shadow.
I shrugged. "I guess this is as good as I'll get." I said to myself and I left the solitude of my bedroom.
I plastered a smile on my face, hoping it didn't look too forced, even though it was. As I reached the bottom of the stairs, I was greeted with the sounds of the age old Christmas eve tradition; the arguing of the wines.
"I'm just saying I like red wine better." my mother said.
"We're having fish. You can't serve red wine with fish." my father argued.
"I don't think anyone is going to arrest us if we have red wine with fish in our own home." my mother quipped.
"That's not the point. I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing I had allowed this atrocity to occur." my father insisted as he was met with a roll of my mother's eyes. "Sean, help me talk sense into your mother."
"I was just going to have a beer." Sean shrugged.
I paused, leaning against the doorway, watching as my father stared incredulously at my brother. "I've failed as a parent." he said finally and dramatically.
A genuine smile crept onto my face and a small laugh escaped my throat. The noise drew my father's attention. "Ruby! My oldest, smartest, most sane child. What wine goes best with fish?"
I feigned deep thought for a moment. "Actually, lately, I've been quite fond of a nice rosé."
"A rosé? You're all insane! I live in a madhouse! I have a lovely bottle of Chablis Chardonnay and you are talking about pink wine? If Louis were here, he'd make sense. He was always my favourite."
He began his move across the kitchen to the refrigerator, pausing briefly to look back at Sean and I, a faux look of disappointment accompanied a disheartened shake of his head. Sean and I met his look with light laughter as he continued along his way. He opened the refrigerator door, bending down to peer into a lower shelf. He was slower to stoop than he had been. I took in my father, really noticing him for the first time in a long while.
His hair, once sandy brown, was now white. His hands, the openers of many tight lids, now spotted and wrinkled. He seemed smaller than I remembered him. When I was little he seemed so big, so infallible. His mortality hit me like a ton of bricks, crushing me with the realisation that one day he would be gone.
I looked over to my mother. She had decided a while ago to discontinue the ritual dying of her hair. After all these years she had kept the same hairstyle but now strands of silver shimmered in the light of the kitchen. The corners of her eyes creased as she watched my father with amusement as he continued muttering to himself.
I had distracted myself for a decade to avoid thinking about what I had done to Severus. I had unintentionally separated myself from many of my loved ones and surrounded myself with tasks and work. I hadn't noticed changes in myself, though I'm sure there were many, but the passage of time was evident in my parents. When did they become these old people? Looking at my mother felt more like looking at nan than the woman who raised me. I had robbed myself of years with my parents because I couldn't just face the guilt I felt over something that had nothing to do with them. I wondered if I had caused them any guilt, if they thought I was separating myself from them because of something they had done. Had they blamed themselves over my absence? A fresh wave of sadness crashed over me as I considered these questions.
My father set the bottle of wine down on the counter and was immediately wrapped in my arms. He made a small sound of surprise. "I'm sorry I haven't been around." I whispered. "You both have always been the best parents." I moved to my mother, pulling her into a tight hug. "I'm sorry I've been such a horrible daughter. I'll be better, I swear."
"Woah," My father said behind me as I continued hugging my mum. "Who said you were a horrible daughter?"
"I abandoned you both." I said, finally releasing my mother. "For too long. I promise I won't do that again."
"You have a job." my mother said. "An important one, we understand that you get busy. You don't need to feel guilty for building a life of your own."
"I wouldn't feel guilty if that was the reason." I said, shaking my head. "I did something I wasn't proud of and instead of just dealing with it, I avoided even thinking about it. Years of my life just gone. Years or your lives, gone. I'll never get them back and it turns out that what I was ashamed of was only relevant for a few weeks. I beat myself up for years over something that only lasted days. Someday you'll both be gone and all I'll be able to think about his how I abandoned y–"
"Stop right there," my mother interrupted. "You're talking as if your father and I are on our deathbeds. Granted, we aren't as young as we once were but we are both healthy and we feel fine."
"I for one," chimed in my father. "Intend on living long enough to become a burden on you and your brothers. If you feel this badly about 'abandoning us', as you call it, visit more. You can do your disappearing, reappearing thing. We can make up for some of the lost time. There is no reason to feel bad about being an adult and focusing on something other than your parents."
I nodded my head. I would make the effort to see them more, it's not like it would even require that much effort with my 'disappearing, reappearing thing'.
"I am curious though." My father mused. "What is it that you were hiding from? What was it that you weren't proud of?"
I paused. My mind replayed the relaxing of Severus' shoulders, the way he turned to me, his dark eyes holding no hint of recognition for who I was. "I used my magic in a way I swore I never would and immediately regretted it."
"No one was hurt?" he asked.
I shook my head. "Not physically." I said.
My father nodded his head, taking in whatever meaning he assigned my words. "It sounds like you could use a strong pour of a lovely Chablis Chardonnay." He lifted the bottle of wine with a smile.
I opened my eyes from a simulated act of sleep. I had hoped I could swindle myself into sleeping by pretending to be asleep, but I had been too wise to fall for my own tricks. I had reached out at some point during the night, seeking Severus' warmth before remembering he wasn't with me, from that point on I knew that slumber of any kind was going to be an impossibility. My mind wanted to consider how quickly I had become accustomed to having him near. Every so often I opened my eyes, if only to gauge how much time had passed, peering into the darkness of my childhood room. This time, instead of darkness, I was greeted with the murky light of a winter dawn. I was relieved that it would finally be acceptable to discontinue the feigned sleep and wander downstairs for coffee.
I sat alone at the kitchen table clutching a mug of hot liquid that contained nowhere near the amount of caffeine needed to make me feel human. I stared absently out the window at the brightening Christmas sky. The world felt hazy, as if the edges of reality were blurred. Even my senses felt as if they were muffled, there but not. My current existence was similar to the sensation of trying to hear with cotton in your ears. Sharpness and clarity eluded me, I was part of the world, but I felt as if there was a barrier separating me from truly being present.
Had my happiest days already been and gone without being recognised for what they were? Was my recent time at Hogwarts as good as it would get? Was I destined to look back fondly on memories marred with secrecy, stolen glances, and chanced affection? I considered each of these questions, though the tired fog in my mind made them dull and indeterminable. I felt as though I were trying to draw a clear image of a scene through frosted glass.
"You're up early." Sean's voice made me startle, coffee spilling from my cup when I jumped.
"I could say the same of you." I said, standing up to fetch a rag to clean up my mess.
Sean shrugged. "I forgot about Christmas shopping and decided my gift to mum and dad would be a nice Christmas breakfast. However, since you're up, you can make breakfast, giving it a chance of being edible and I can still take all of the credit. Happy Christmas to me."
The tears came out of nowhere. I sat back in my chair as the fresh wave of emotion tore through me. I was growing rather tired of these fraying strings holding me together, they seemed to snap with ease.
"Alright," Sean said, walking around to the other side of the table. "You can have the credit." He flashed a snarky smile that was met with no amusement. He breathed out a defeated sigh. "Honestly, crying again?" he asked, taking a seat at the table across from me. "Who is this guy and is he worth the dehydration?"
I took a deep breath, wiping tears from my cheeks, annoyed with myself. "I'm just tired. I couldn't sleep last night and I was already tired." I rested my face in my hands.
Sean was silent but I heard him rise from his chair. He began rifling through cabinets, glasses clinking, followed by the soft pop of a cork, and liquid pouring. I looked through my fingers to find an amber liquid being added to my coffee. I dropped my hands, giving Sean a sideways glance that was met with a swift smile.
"It won't make you feel better, but it should make it feel less important for a little." He set the bottle of whiskey down on the table, turning away from me. "I'll get started on breakfast."
I took a sip of my room-temperature, boozy coffee as Sean opened the refrigerator looking for breakfast ingredients. I put the mug down, the alcohol leaving a burning sensation in my throat. I decided my time would be better spent showering and getting dressed.
I slid the ring from my finger, replacing it on the chain which I put around my neck. Carefully tucking the ring under the collar of my cream coloured sweater I paired with worn blue jeans. I looked at myself in the mirror, deciding I looked suitable for a small family Christmas. I wished the dark circles under my eyes weren't so obvious.
I made my way back downstairs, conscious of the sounds of distress coming from the kitchen. The front door whipped open as I reached the bottom of the staircase. Louis stepped inside, closing the door behind him with his foot, his hands holding two paper bags. His eyes landed on me and went wide with a moment of surprise.
"Ruby!" he said, setting the items in his hands on the floor and pulling me into a hug. "No one said you were going to be home." He stepped back, his eyes looking over my face, meeting me with a grimace of a smile. "You look really tired."
"She's doing the best she can, alright!" Louis and I both snapped our attention to the kitchen doorway where Sean stood, casting a stern glare at Louis. He turned his attention to me, giving a nod of solidarity before turning back around and disappearing into the kitchen.
Louis gave a slight shake of his head. "What was that?" He asked, returning his attention to me, his eyes wide with surprise.
I shrugged, equally as flabbergasted. "No idea. What are you doing here so early?"
"I didn't have time for Christmas shopping and I figured if I showed up early to make breakfast–"
"Sean is already doing that." I interrupted. "You might want to hurry up to help if you want any credit."
Louis scooped up his bags, racing into the kitchen. "Sean, wait! I brought sausages!"
I sequestered myself to the sitting room to avoid whatever madness was about to occur in the kitchen. I sat on the sofa listening to the occasional din of a dish, crash of a pan, or disgruntled voice. I sat, staring forward in an empty-headed daze, the background noises fell away as I succumbed to a hypnotised-like state.
"What is going on in there?" My father asked as he entered the room, pulling me from my non-existent thoughts.
"Sean and Louis are making breakfast." I answered, rubbing my eyes that had dried from the staring.
"Both of them?" He asked. "Should someone stop them? Or at least help?"
I shrugged.
I could feel my father looking at me. I could almost hear his mind contemplating whether or not he should ask the next question. "Are you doing alright? You're not working yourself too hard, are you?"
I shook my head. "I'm fine."
He watched me for another moment. My dad was never the 'talk about feelings' type. He was a good one to deal with scraped knees or bumped heads, or making me laugh after being scared, but when it came to offering emotional plasters he was at a loss. "I'm going to make sure nothing is on fire." He said at last before turning from the room and leaving me alone again.
"There you are." My mother's soft voice sounded after a few moments of muffled commotion coming from the kitchen. "Staying far away from whatever is happening in there, I see. I always knew you were the smartest of my children."
"Morning, mum." I said and even I was struck by how faraway my voice sounded. I needed to get out of this funk, but I wasn't sure how.
"Happy Christmas." She said and a low profile box covered in red velvet with a hinged lid was thrust into my line of sight.
I took it gently in my hands. "We never do presents before breakfast." I said. "It's your rule."
"I know," my mother said, "But I was watching you last night and you seem…down. I thought I'd break the present rule, just this once. Now open it."
I lifted the lid, revealing cream coloured satin, upon which sat a short string of small, smooth pearls. The luminescent strand was one I had seen hundreds of times resting just below my nan's throat. She had told me when I was little that it had taken my grandfather years to save up for it. My memory flashed to finding her sitting at the kitchen table, rolling the pearls absent-mindedly in her fingers, much as I had been finding myself doing with the ring hidden below my sweater. I suddenly wondered if moments like that one were because she was thinking of grandfather, if she was missing him.
"You and I both know I never wear jewellery and I noticed last night that you were wearing two necklaces." She reached out her hand and for a moment I panicked that she was going to reveal the ring. Instead she held my small locket gently in her fingers, her eyes taking in the small intricate detail of the piece. "That is beautiful."
I thought she would ask where I had gotten it, but she didn't. Instead she pulled me into a hug. A warm, comforting, take all of my cares away, hug. I looped my arms around her, holding tightly to her like I used to when I was small. I could feel my muscles relax, I could feel the stress I had carried with me from Hogwarts melting away, I could feel myself returning. I took a deep, shaking breath. The scent of my mother transported me back to the simpler days of my childhood. Lavender and jasmine filled my lungs and when I breathed out I felt at ease, no longer filled with tension and worry. I quickly realised that I did need my family, that there was no way I could have handled how I was feeling by myself. They had always been there for me, would always be there for me, no matter what I did, no matter how long I was away, they would always welcome me with open arms. I wanted to thank Severus for pushing me to come here, for knowing what I needed, even when I didn't.
"Breakfast is ready." Sean's calm voice said, I opened my eyes to find him standing in the doorway.
My mother gave me one more squeeze before letting me go. "I suppose I should see what sort of damage has been done to my kitchen." She said as she stood up and walked past Sean, who watched me with careful consideration.
"Are you feeling better at all?" He asked, I couldn't recall a time when he had been so concerned with me, I must really have been in a state.
I nodded my head. "Mum gave me Nan's necklace." I lifted the box still clutched in my hand. I removed the pearls from their satin wrappings and secured them around my throat. They felt cold against my collar bone, I caressed the smooth jewels with my finger, taking a moment to appreciate how much I missed Nan and wished she could have been here.
Sean smiled softly at me. "Come on, Louis and I made a special plate for you."
I took in a sharp breath. "And there's the fear returning."
He let out a light laugh. "Shut up and come on."
It turned out that my special plate consisted of a happy face constructed from breakfast foods. Fried egg eyes, black pudding nose, streaky bacon hair, sausage lips, set in a pool of beans, which was proudly placed in front of me when I took my seat at the table.
After breakfast, presents were opened. It was certainly not the event that it had been when we were children. The only gifts to my parents had been the ones they had purchased for each other, solidifying mine and my brother's places as the worst children in existence. I promised to myself that I would go to Harrods and find suitable presents for everyone.
Afterwards, we watched a Christmas movie before my mother disappeared into the kitchen to begin Christmas Dinner and my father went outside to do some tinkering in the shed, leaving my brothers and I in the sitting room. We talked for a little, catching up on life. Sean was feeling restless with his new desk job at Gringotts. He felt too stationary and it was driving him insane. Louis, on the other hand, felt very fulfilled and had just received a promotion and quite a significant raise along with it.
"Sean," my father called from the back door he just opened. "I need your help with something."
Sean sighed and began standing up.
"I can help, dad." Louis offered, also standing.
"No, you sit." Dad insisted. "You're a guest, besides, I need your brother's magician powers."
Sean rolled his eyes. Apparently this wasn't the first time he was being summoned for this type of help. "Just a minute, I'll go get my wand."
Louis sat back down and Sean bounded off to his room, returning not long after and exiting out into the yard. Louis and I sat in silence, the occasional sound coming from the kitchen.
"He's worried about you, you know." Louis said finally. "I asked him what his reaction this morning was about."
"What did he tell you?" I asked more urgently than I had intended.
He shrugged. "Just that you were struggling with something and we shouldn't tease you right now." I nodded my head as I took a deep breath. "You're doing it again, aren't you?"
"Doing what?" I asked.
"Doing that thing where you overwork yourself to avoid dealing with what's really bothering you." he said.
"No, I'm not." I insisted defensively.
"You look terrible and you're clearly exhausted, why don't you just deal with things instead of trying to avoid them?" His tone was becoming more impatient as he went on.
"I'm not avoiding anything, I just didn't sleep well last night and I was already tired to begin with." I said.
Louis shook his head slowly. "This isn't one night of sleeplessness. This is deep exhaustion. Sean said you cried." The way Louis looked at me made me feel like he could see inside my head. My heart thudded in my throat. "What's going on?"
"Do you really want to know?" I asked, my voice quiet and strained against another bunch of tears pressing against my throat. Louis nodded his head in an obvious manner. I took a deep breath. "You're the only one that can know. I don't need dad to know, I certainly don't want mum to know, and Sean can absolutely never know. Is that understood? The only reason I am even considering telling you is because you aren't involved in the same world, well and you won't try parenting me over what decisions I've made, and you won't be crushed if plans don't work out."
"I won't tell anyone. I promise." he said.
I took a deep breath. "What do you know about Hogwarts?"
"Sean has told me that it is basically property of that You-Know-Who guy and that the teacher you used to like, Snape, is his right hand man in control of the school. Sounds like he's gone bad or the way Sean tells it, he was always bad." Louis offered.
"There are worse things in that school than Snape." It felt odd calling him by his surname like that. "There are two siblings called the Carrows." I paused, my pulse quickening at the name. "One of them tried to…he was going to…he attacked me last night."
Louis' eyes went wide and the colour drained from his face. "What happened?"
I lifted my chin, exposing the bruise on my throat. "He pressed his wand there. He lingered, he allowed time to drag on forever. I think tormenting me was the greatest game for him. He whispered 'Avada' in my ear. I was ready for death. I had accepted what was going to happen. I felt sorry for those I would leave behind, but what could I do? But I was frustrated that he was using me for his own amusement. And then nothing, he didn't continue. I felt his wand move from my neck and then arms wrapped around me. I panicked, he had made it clear that he had other…thoughts about what to do with me, but when I opened my eyes, it was Severus Snape and Amycus was unconscious on the floor."
"What did he do to you?" Louis demanded, sounding as though he was going to be sick.
"He," I hesitated. There would be no going back once my words were said. I took a deep breath. "He held me. He soothed me. He took me away from Amycus Carrow, back to my flat. He cradled me while I cried on his shoulder. He sat with me. He wanted to stay but I wouldn't let him. He insisted that if he couldn't be with me, that I should come here, that I should be surrounded by people who loved me and made me feel safe. He was right. I'm certain I feel much better than I would have had I been isolated with my thoughts."
I hadn't been able to look at Louis while I said any of these things and when I looked back at him afterwards, any of the anger or disgust that had been present on his face was wiped clear and replaced with confusion. "But why would he…?"
I reached up and twirled the chain that held the ring between my fingers. I dipped my fingers below the collar of my sweater, taking the ring in my hand, feeling its warmth against my palm. Louis waited patiently, eyebrows raised with curiosity. "Because Severus Snape and I…" I took a deep breath for added courage. I pulled at the chain, drawing it away from my chest and loosened my grip, allowing the ring to fall from my fingers where it swayed back and forth from the chain like a pendulum. "...are engaged."
