Precipice by shadowsong26
Part 5: Lessons
Lessons: Chapter 5
Home.
Padme had felt a weight lift off her shoulders as soon as they'd landed in Theed. All of the low-level tension, the constant worry that she might be overheard by exactly the wrong person at the worst possible time, was gone. It had been too long-a couple of months-since her last visit. But, while she resolved to visit more often every time she came here, somehow it never quite worked out.
Partly because, unlike Bail, who had two extremely compelling reasons to go back to Alderaan as often as possible, Padme's son was with her. Not that she didn't love and miss her parents and sister and nieces, of course, but...it was different. Less of a perfectly reasonable excuse, and more like a selfish one. Like ducking out of her less pleasant duties. Staying on Imperial Center to keep working, as much as she could, felt more important.
Even this trip, technically, was for work-the Queen wanted her to introduce some specific legislation into the Senate, and had summoned her back to Naboo to go over the details. Still, she was home, and that feeling of relief when she stepped off her ship and breathed in the familiar air was just as powerful as always.
Someday, she promised herself, as she always did, when all of this is over, I'll make the time to visit more often.
She'd still brought Luke with her, of course, and made arrangements to visit with her family between meetings. There probably wouldn't be time to slip off to Varykino, unfortunately, since this wasn't a real vacation and she needed to be back on Imperial Center before too long; the plan was to leave tomorrow, or the next day at the latest.
But she'd be visiting again early next month, anyway, she reasoned. Pooja was turning fourteen, and barring a crisis or Palpatine himself intervening and sending her elsewhere, she had every intention of taking at least two weeks-one in Theed with her family, and one at Varykino for some quiet time with only her handmaidens and her son. Away from the spotlight. Especially since she had a packet of letters to hide, ones she'd received from Ani since her last trip to the lake (she knew she should burn them instead, but how could she destroy the only pieces of him she had?), and of course she wanted to take a moment to visit the grave.
That was next month, though. She really should focus on this trip, at least until everything duty required of her had been handled.
They arrived at the spaceport midmorning, and after she took a moment to savor the feeling, she and her handmaidens split up-Sabe and Dorme went with her to the Palace, while Motee and Elle took Luke to visit his grandparents, where they would all meet for dinner that night.
The working day was productive, if over far too quickly-she and the Queen had a decent draft of the bill she planned to introduce, and she'd met with a few other important local politicians, each of them with their own opinions on how she should vote on several upcoming matters. Then, dinner with her parents, which ended with her and Sola out in the garden with a bottle of wine to unwind.
And even that conversation turned-professional, in a slightly unexpected way.
"Pooja's planning to ask you for an internship," Sola said. "Maybe tonight, maybe for a birthday present next month."
"Really? Huh." Thinking about it, though, Padme wasn't actually all that surprised. She might not have guessed without prompting, since she hadn't spent as much time with either of her nieces as she might have liked. But she had spent enough to look back and see that this idea wasn't coming out of nowhere.
"She's planning out her whole argument now, probably," Sola said, with a faint smile. "Or, rehearsing it, maybe. She's been thinking about this for a while, I think, even if she only mentioned it to me after we got your message last week. Anyway, I thought I should give you a head's up before she cornered you. So you could plan ahead how you were going to respond. And...and let her down gently if you wanted to say no."
Padme blinked, and sat up a little straighter. "Why would I…?"
Well, in all honesty, she hadn't ever actually thought about bringing in any intern before-mostly because she didn't really need one; while not technically in her handmaidens' job description, between the four of them and Threepio and Padme herself, the things that tended to be assigned to interns in other Senators' offices already got done.
But that didn't mean she objected to the idea, necessarily. And if she had thought about it, Pooja would have been a serious contender if she'd applied. She was bright and talented, and genuinely interested in public service, unlike Ryoo, who had completed her mandated years and moved on as quickly as she could. Did Sola think Padme hadn't noticed Pooja's talents, because she spent so much of her time away?
No, that couldn't be it, or Sola would have been making her own arguments in her daughter's favor, not explicitly giving Padme a way out.
Pooja was younger than most Senate interns, but that probably wasn't the problem, either-Padme herself had only been a few months older when she'd taken the throne, let alone been elected; and she'd held other offices for two years before that. Even if Sola had private objections on that score, she would know better than to think Padme would.
Was it the potential for accusations of nepotism that worried Sola, maybe? That was a concern, sure; but Padme could sponsor a second intern to make up for that. Either at the same time, or after Pooja's turn ended and she moved on. Besides, handling any such accusations in the press wouldn't be difficult, if she even got any. And Sola probably knew that, too.
So maybe-
Padme frowned. Is she...is she worried for Pooja's safety, working for me?
True, Imperial Center was dangerous these days. But not exactly in the way that-that wasn't why Padme hadn't brought in an intern before now. At least not consciously. If things had been that unstable, after all, she wouldn't risk keeping Luke with her. Even though an intern would be more visible than her son, her security was certainly up to the task of protecting one. Especially since that would actually be one of the most normal, unsuspicious things Padme had done since the Republic had fallen.
Not that she would have put anyone, let alone a young child or teenager, at risk just for cover, of course, but...well, the thought occurred, now that the concept had come up.
Though, she thought with a faint stab of guilt, she really should have thought of it sooner. She had a duty to the future of her world and the galaxy as a whole, and part of that was advising and providing experience and opportunities to the next generation of politicians. And it wouldn't be too hard to keep even a particularly bright young mind away from her...less legal activities…
Which Sola shouldn't know about, anyway. But the general background danger-she might. Especially if she thought Padme hadn't hired someone already because of that.
But that was only a guess. The likeliest of everything she'd come up with, maybe, but not a sure thing.
"Do you...do you want me to tell her no?" she asked, very carefully, instead of trying to counter that problem. Just in case she was wrong, and it was one of the others. Or something else that she hadn't thought of. Or even it was just that Sola interpreted the fact that she hadn't hired anyone before to mean that she really didn't want an intern at all.
Sola didn't answer right away, staring pensively into her wine glass before sighing and setting it aside. "I thought about that," she admitted. "About asking you to turn her down. But...Pooja really wants this. She looks up to you, more than you know, and I think even if she didn't have the legendary Queen Amidala in her family, she'd want to spend her life in public service. But either way, she doesn't want local politics, she wants diplomacy, and this is the best way for her to learn that. And you...well, Luke is safe, has been all these years, and…"
So, safety was Sola's primary worry. "Of course he has been," Padme said. "And Pooja will be-would be-safe with me. As safe as anyone on Imperial Center is." An unfortunate but necessary qualifier. Padme tried, very hard, not to make promises she couldn't keep. Especially not to Sola and her parents, since she lied to them so much in other ways.
"I know," Sola said. "I trust you with my daughter, of course I do, I know you would never-would never put her at unnecessary risk, but…"
"But…?"
There was a long moment of silence. "I don't want her involved, Padme," Sola said quietly.
Padme took a minute to let that sink in. And all it implied.
She knows. She knows.
A hundred questions, at varying levels of paranoia, spun through Padme's brain.
And then the guilt. Oh, the guilt.
She had tried so hard to keep her family out of danger-they'd already had more than enough of that, in the detention camps during the Trade Federation occupation-which meant keeping them in the dark about what she was doing now. What she never told them, she reasoned, they could never be arrested and tortured, or otherwise-blackmailed, coerced, forced to divulge.
Maybe that's part of why I don't come home very often, too. For all the good it's apparently done.
She swallowed, and pushed the guilt down as best she could.
"How…" she finally said, then cleared her throat. "How much do you-"
"Enough," Sola said. "I know enough. Because I know you."
She nodded, and opened her mouth to answer, or maybe to apologize- for the danger, and the lies; I will not, cannot apologize for the work itself -but her sister cut her off.
"And it's not that I don't-I understand why you do it. I do. And I know-I only met him once or twice, while you were still in the Palace, but...but I've seen what he's doing. What he's done. Your cause is...it's right. It's just. It's...these things...these things you do, they absolutely need to be done, this war needs to be fought, and you're in a unique position to do so. I wouldn't-would never ask you to stop fighting, especially for something like this. But...but Pooja is-she's my child. My baby girl. And I don't want...I don't want to…" Her voice broke a little.
"I know," Padme said. Because, for all the arguments she could make, about how she had taken substantial risks at Pooja's age, and Ahsoka and so many others had been at war that young…
It's different, when it's your child in danger. I wonder how my parents managed to bear it, all those years…
She could barely stand it herself, and Luke wasn't-he was only peripherally involved, and that because of the friends he had made, not any active work. And he would stay that way until he was at least a teenager, if she had anything to say about it.
And Leia...her Leia, lightyears away, wasn't doing any active work yet either, and probably wouldn't for the same amount of time as Luke. But she was already learning how to be a Jedi; how to fight.
(Padme had known that was coming; she and Anakin had discussed that years ago, in some of their earlier letters. When he and Obi-Wan would start training Leia properly. But it was one thing to say "someday; probably when she's somewhere between seven and ten" when that was still distant enough to be abstract, and another thing entirely for it to be actually happening.)
"I know," she repeated. Because she did. More than she could ever tell Sola, she did.
She nodded, relieved. "And please don't think this means I don't…" Sola took her hand, and squeezed it. "I would be so proud if Pooja grew up to be just like you. I just...I just want…"
Padme set her own glass down and put her other hand on top of Sola's, squeezing in her turn. "You want her to grow up first. And not as...not as fast as I had to." Because she had grown up too fast. She'd known that for years. And, while being a Senate intern probably wouldn't mean that kind of pressure, being a secret Rebel agent might.
"Exactly," Sola said.
"I understand," Padme said. "And I'll do everything I can keep her out of it. I promise." At least for a few years, until she's eighteen or twenty. Old enough that-old enough that she'll know what she's signing up for. If she wants to sign up. I still won't bring her in on purpose, but I'll stop trying to shut her out if she comes to me and asks.
"Thank you," Sola said, earnestly, then reached for her wine glass and deliberately changed the subject to lighten the mood. "I haven't told Mom and Dad Pooja wants this," she said. "To go work for you on Imperial Center, I mean. I think they're still hoping she'll turn out more like me, and settle down and start a family before she's thirty."
"I settled!" Padme protested. "I have a son. And I was twenty-seven when I brought him home, thank you."
"Hey, this is what Mom and Dad think, not me," Sola said, grinning at her. "Honestly, I'm actually glad Pooja's a little more career-focused, at least for now. Ryoo keeps bringing the most awful girls home. I don't know where she got her taste in potential romantic partners, but I'm hoping she grows out of it."
"Are they objectively awful, or do they just have the temerity to date your precious daughter?" Padme asked, arching an eyebrow. She couldn't help but remember how Mom and Dad hadn't approved of most of Sola's exes, especially when she was Ryoo's age.
"Objectively awful," she said decisively. "She'll probably bring a new one over for Pooja's birthday. You'll see."
"Hmm," Padme said, and left it at that, retrieving her own glass. "...am I a terrible aunt if I'm almost looking forward to it?"
"Well, maybe not terrible…"
Padme just laughed, and threw a balled-up napkin in her sister's general direction.
Sola ducked, and stuck her tongue out at her. "Real mature, Padme," she said, but she was laughing, too.
And, just like those first few seconds at the spaceport, when she breathed in her native air, Padme felt the warm, comforting warmth of home wrap around her like a blanket.
I really do need to come more often, she thought, wistfully. And she knew it wasn't possible, not just now, but...
Someday, she would. Someday, she would stop spending too much of her time on Imperial Center-on Coruscant- and nowhere near enough at home. And there would be no more lies, no more secrets. No more putting her family in danger.
Someday, she promised herself, as always, when all of this is over, I will make that happen. My whole family will be here, and together, and...someday, I will make it happen. Someday, I will make the time.
