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It had been an unusually cheerful meal, everyone crowded around the table. Except for River, who had had a bad night according to her brother, and was fast asleep, and Wash, at the helm.
There had been a lot of laughter and joking, even the captain easing a bit and joining in. Then Jayne brought the mood down with a long and pretty pointless story in which half his crew died, and Kaylee piped up with, "Well, at least they went to Heaven. Right, Shepherd?"
Book looked at her across the table. "You believe in Heaven, Miss Kaylee?"
"Sure I do. What, don't everybody?" She glanced around the table, meeting a lot of stony faces before ending up back at Book. "Shepherd, don't tell me you don't … I mean, the good book says …"
"The good book says many things," he agreed. "But they don't all hold up to daily living. As for Heaven … I tend to believe we're living in it."
"This is Heaven?" Jayne frowned, looking down at the remnants of his meal. "I'm bein' punished for somethin', then."
The rest of the crew looked at each other with smothered smiles.
"Ain't no Heaven," Mal said abruptly. "And them as is lookin' for one are dreamin' away their lives to no purpose." He pushed his chair back from the table.
"You scoff at everything people do to bring meaning to their lives, but you cling to this ship despite all its flaws. And yet you don't call it Heaven?" Inara's voice was soft, but there was a challenge in it that kept Mal in his seat when he clearly no longer wanted to be there, or take any part in this conversation.
"Just a little slice of it, maybe," he allowed at last. "But keepin' it afloat takes work, not wishin'."
Inara gave him her beautiful smile. "Maybe that's Heaven, then."
Book nodded. "Exactly. What we make of our lives defines what our Heaven looks like."
"You all know there's no such thing, right?" Simon frowned at them. "Science says we die and everything stops. No brain function."
"Science." Kaylee's tone made clear what she thought of that answer. "Science takes all the romance out of everything."
Simon looked at her, unhappy, having screwed up again and pushed her away when he very much wanted to not do that.
Zoe watched them all with resignation. Typical. What came of talking about mystries best left unexplored. Where there had been laughter a few moments ago, now there was silence. People staring at the crumbs on their plates instead of looking at each other.
But she was wrong. Simon's gaze was on her, no doubt hoping she'd back him up. Not that she was exactly a woman of science, but she was certainly practical, no-nonsense, not a lot of time for dreams of what might come after this life. Too busy fighting to live it.
"Zoe? You must have thoughts."
"I do," she said slowly. Reluctantly. "This life ain't nothin' but one fight after another. Heaven? That's a big word for a lot of hardship. You get started tellin' yourself that the next life'll be better, next thing you know you can't wait to get there. And givin' up never helped anyone. So I don't think much about Heaven, 'cause I've got to live here, and that takes all the energy I can work up."
Further silence followed her words. But this time it was broken by the cheerful voice she loved best to hear. "What is this, a séance? Let's not dredge up any angry spirits. We've got enough to worry about without that." Wash picked up the covered plate Zoe had put aside for him and sat down in the chair next to her.
"We were talkin' about Heaven. Lots of people here with some dark thinkin' on the topic," Kaylee told him, looking disappointed. Zoe wondered how Kaylee had lived on Serenity this long and still not figured out exactly how dark the rest of them were.
"Heaven?" Waving his fork in the direction of the cockpit, Wash said, "It's out there."
"We aren't all pilots," Simon pointed out.
"No, not there. Beyond there. In the stars. That's what they say in the book, right, Shepherd? The firmament? Well, that's it. And that's where we go, out there into the 'verse, one with the stars, twinkling away for all eternity." He smiled to himself. "When you've got the stars, you're never alone."
"That's … surprisingly poetic," Simon said, looking at Wash with that expression Zoe was used to by now—the one that said they had only just figured out how damn smart her husband was.
Gazing at Zoe with that look she never could quite manage to get used to, Wash said, "The idea of twinkling next to this heavenly body for all eternity makes me feel like quite the poet."
"Wash!" She slapped at him half-heartedly, sure she was blushing for all the world to see.
"I like that," Inara said softly.
"'I've loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.'" A little smile crossed Simon's face. "Galileo. He was a scientist and astronomer."
"Some guy once said we were all made of star stuff. Makes sense to me," Jayne put in.*
Book said, "'He determines the number of the stars and calls each by name.' It is right there in the Scripture. I suppose there are worse places to end up."**
Kaylee looked around at all of them, her face shining. "So you believe in somethin'."
"Sort of," Zoe allowed.
"I believe sittin' around the table quotin' dead people ain't flyin' this ship," Mal said. This time he did stand up. He looked at Zoe, then at Wash. "Since our pilot's decided to be a poet, I'm gonna go up and do just that." After a pause, he added, "Maybe I'll say hello to some old friends as we fly by."
One by one they all left, but Zoe stayed, holding Wash's hand. Yes, she was pretty okay with the idea of twinkling next to him for all eternity.
*Carl Sagan
**Psalms 147:4
