J
"Do you really like it?" Lisa asked when she caught me gazing at my engagement ring. I held my hand out to admire my exquisite diamond ring one more time. Even though my head swirled with thoughts, everything paled in comparison to the elation I felt from the amazing person that was holding me, her eyes begging for my response.
"If you don't, I could always get you something else. I mean, I won't be offended if you don't like it. You could pick one that you'd rather…"
I quickly lifted my head off of her bare chest and locked my lips on her, shutting her up before she could entertain more doubt.
"It's perfect," I reassured her. "Absolutely perfect!"
She sighed. "Good! I'm glad." She smiled gently. "I wasn't sure. I looked at a lot of rings before I picked that one. I could have gone bigger with the center stone, but I presumed you'd feel anything over three carats would be too much."
"You're right!" I laughed lightly.
"There's an inscription in it too," Lisa informed tenderly.
"There is?" I said, completely surprised. She had placed this ring on my finger so quickly that I didn't even have time to look at it.
She slipped her arm out from underneath our warm comforter and wiggled the ring off my finger. "See?"
I held it closer to my eyes, twisting the band so I could read it. Etched inside was one word.
"Forever," I whispered.
"That's right… forever," she said softly. "I'm only marrying one girl in my lifetime. Just like my father did… just like your father did. Our parents spent their lives together and worked through their problems. We will too."
I placed the ring back onto my finger.
"I am so relieved to hear you say that," I sighed out, drifting my fingers across her cheek. "But I'm even more relieved that you're just here with me. I thought I had lost you for good."
"Jennie, I know things have been totally fucked up between us lately." She paused and combed her hair back with her fingers. "But…"
"But we need to be more open and honest with each other," I quickly finished her sentence, whispering my words on her skin.
"Yes. Exactly," she agreed. "A lot more open."
I thought about the reasons my heart ached just a few short hours ago. "You know a spectacular diamond ring on my finger doesn't resolve our trust issues though."
"I know. And I am truly sorry. I should have told you about Rosé. We should have talked about it." She trailed her fingers down my back, straightening out a lock of my hair.
"Why don't you tell me now?" I softly murmured.
She fidgeted slightly underneath me. "There's not much to say, really. I met her when she screen tested for Thousand Miles with me. Production got pushed off a year and, well, we were both out in L.A., both single at the time.
"When I left to film Reparation she started seeing Lucas behind my back. A friend of mine called me in Chicago to tell me she saw them making out at the Chateau Marmont." Lisa frowned. Admitting that out loud seemed difficult for her.
"I thought we were exclusive. I guess I'm just old-fashioned that way - I only date one woman at a time. Needless to say, that was the end of that."
"Were you in love with her?" I asked, curious to know how deep her feelings were for her.
Her eyes were thoughtful when she shrugged slightly.
"Honest and open," I reminded her.
She sighed. "Not really. I mean I cared a lot about her. We were friends. It was new and fun for a while."
Lisa played with a long strand of my hair, twisting it around her finger. "The little bit of feelings I had for her are nothing in comparison to how I feel about you, I can tell you that!"
I was reveling in her words until she laughed lightly.
"What's so funny?" I asked, getting worried.
"You know we film out of sequence, right? Well, one of the final scenes we shot this week was of our big breakup," she snickered. "And man, was I ever in character for that!"
I couldn't help but feel as though I was the one to blame for her breakup motivation. Guilt washed over me again.
"I'm so sorry for what I did to you… for doubting you," I said with much regret. "I hope you are able to forgive me."
Her hand cupped my head to her chest. "No, Jennie. I did this. I put the doubt into your mind. Don't you dare feel bad."
"But I do. I ruined everything," I muttered. "All your plans..."
"Don't. I should have told you about her. I should have done more to put your mind at ease, but I didn't," she admitted. "Instead, I was angry with you for questioning my faithfulness. I realize that now. I'm just glad that I realized it before it was too late."
She squeezed me in her arms. "I need you to forgive me."
I wrapped my arms around her tighter, pulling her closer, while her warmth and presence stitched my soul back together.
"There's nothing to forgive," I whispered. "Only lessons learned."
Lisa softly kissed the top of my head.
My mind drifted as she held me. I thought about how I would handle the first moment I ever came face to face with Rosé Park. Our paths would cross eventually, now that Lisa and I were officially engaged. There would be a Thousand Miles movie premier to attend in my future. My visions of that initial meeting were far from ladylike.
"Did Rosé ever confess?" I asked, recalling Mino's eleventh hour admission.
"She denied being involved… at first." Lisa scratched her brow. She seemed reluctant to continue.
"It's okay, just tell me."
"She cried - hard. She said she should have never let me go," she scoffed, "but my intensity when we were dating scared her or some shit like that. Well, that was her excuse for cheating on me."
She pursed her lips with disgust. "After I told her that there was no way in hell I'd ever get back with her, she admitted that she was trying to keep me from making a huge mistake. She thought I was being impulsive and shortsighted with wanting to propose to you."
I adjusted my cheek on her arm, mulling over her last sentence. I also pictured Rosé pleading and begging with her to take her back.
"And then Jennie fell silent," she muttered. Lisa rolled over onto her side and stared at my face.
I swallowed hard before speaking, burying my pained eyes in my pillow. "I can almost pinpoint the exact time in my memory when that conversation happened. It was when you told me you needed time to think."
Lisa pulled my chin up.
"I'm not going to deny that I didn't think about what she said. Not the part about her being a dirty, little tramp and wanting me back," she corrected. "The other part."
"And?" I asked hesitantly.
She was silent for a few seconds. "Look in my eyes," she instructed softly.
Her request was confusing to me at first, because I was expecting her to say more after that. Instead, we lay still, gazing at each other for a very long minute. And then I saw it… it was all suddenly very clear to me. I saw our life together, our future, in brief snippets of time. I could not imagine being happy without her. I rested my hand on her cheek, guiding her lips to mine. When Lisa kissed me, life had meaning again.
"This last week, when everything turned to shit, that was a new low for me," she admitted. "The lowest I've ever been."
I laughed lightly. "I think I found a new level of low, ten floors down below the pit of despair."
Lisa chuckled in agreement. "So what do you think all that misery means?"
I thought about it for a moment. "Well, for me… I think it means that I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone but you."
She softly kissed my lips. "So if we both feel the same way, and we're absolutely miserable without each other, then there can't be anything impulsive or short-sighted about it, can there?"
I smiled and shook my head. "No, I guess not."
The visions of a blissful future with this person I so desperately loved enveloped me in warmth. She was here in this room, in this bed, holding me once again!
How profoundly different this moment was from yesterday! The train that had been derailed, causing the unfortunate death of thousands of bits of my soul, was miraculously put back to right on the tracks again and all the dead suddenly got better.
Ironically, it only took several seconds after that for the remnants of my memory, recalling when my heart was shattered underneath the train, to creep back into my throat. I stared at the ceiling to collect my thoughts.
"I know what our problem is. We've both been cheated on, dumped, and wronged so many times that our pasts are keeping us from moving forward."
Lisa slipped out a sliver of a laugh.
I gazed back into her eyes. "You thought that I was with Mino - that there was something going on behind your back. And I thought you were going to leave me for someone like Rosé, who wasn't all banged up and wrecked. We lost faith in each other."
"I know. And I know these rings don't erase what happened between us." She adjusted the oval garnet on my right hand. "But they aren't just jewelry to me either. Inside each of them is a message – a message of my commitment to you. I want you to be my wife, my partner, and my only lover, Jennie... forever. My eyes will never wander from you."
"Neither will mine."
"Then maybe we can help each other to trust more. Honey, neither one of us is a cheater. I've never done that to anyone I've ever dated – I'm guessing that you've never cheated on your past boyfriends either. We both know how much it hurts to be betrayed like that. So maybe we just have to always remember that it's not in either of our personalities to be unfaithful. And I can tell ya that once we both say 'I do,' divorce is not an option - ever. We work through the crap, okay?"
I thought about why I'd been living in the pit of despair and surviving through years of broken promises.
"I know, but infidelity is still a deal-breaker for me," I muttered. "You have to promise me that if I'm not… if you ever have that need, desire for something that our relationship is missing… if some actress…"
"You'll be the first to know – way before it ever comes to that. I promise." Her fingers drifted down my cheek. "And the same goes for you too! We talk about it – we fix it, we don't let it break us apart," she emphasized. "Regardless of how many completely screwed up, psychotic people try to meddle in our relationship!"
"This time, I'm killing anyone who tries," I kidded. "Speaking of which…"
"What?" she softly urged.
"I want you to be completely honest with me and tell me if you are going to be working with girls you have intimate knowledge of. I know it's uncomfortable and you're going to be reluctant to hurt my feelings, but it will keep me from freaking out if I know all of the ugly details beforehand. I don't want to hear about it from other sources or see it on the magazine covers in the grocery store. Not knowing that kind of stuff and then seeing it on TV does not help me trust you." I figured that would help put my mind at ease.
"Deal. That list of actresses is very small, by the way," she added. "Okay, while we're being open… no more Mino. I don't want him in the bar or anywhere near you, calling you, bringing you gifts or soup – ever again. And the same goes for all the other guys who come sniffing around my future wife."
"Don't worry. I don't want to ever see Mino again," I stated, recalling the moment of terror in the pit of my stomach when he had me crammed in the door jam. "I told him I'd get a restraining order if he ever came around again."
Lisa was dead serious when she put her foot down on the "Mino and other guys" subject. There was no humor in her tone.
"You know, this double-standard of yours isn't very healthy either," I muttered.
"What double-standard? What are you talking about?"
"Oh, come on! You have to admit you are a lot more jealous than I am. I'm not allowed to accept soup from some guy but you get to kiss hot actresses? And then you got pissed at me when I questioned all the 'alone time' you were spending with your ex-girlfriend? You would have been completely unbearable if Mino and I had a romantic past. Hell, you probably would have had a barbed wire fence and extra guard dogs installed around me if that was the case!"
Lisa huffed loudly.
"Considering what comes along with the Lisa Manoban territory, I'd say I've been maintaining my understanding and jealousy fairly well."
"Yeah, you have," she agreed. "Sorry, I can't help it. It's just… I know how men think. Food, sex, sleep – not necessarily in that order either. I was onto Mino the first minute I saw him. I knew the game he was playing."
"Ha! And you don't think women play the same games?" I changed my voice to imitate Rosé and batted my eyes at her. "It's all right, Lisa. I'm happily involved with Lucas. You can talk to me. Here's a shoulder to lean your head on – right next to my boobs. She probably checked out your crotch every time you had to kiss her just to see if she made your pants fit tighter!"
Lisa laughed at me.
"You laugh! I'm serious!"
She rolled over, playfully grabbing my rear. "My crotch only bulges for you, dear."
"Yeah, right," I teased.
We spent a good portion of Sunday morning in bed, arms and legs entwined, enjoying the solitude and peace that came from being together.
Lisa looked at my alarm clock. "Come on… time to get out of bed. We have to get showered and dressed," she said, tossing her portion of the covers over my head.
"Why?" I asked, studying her face long enough to know she knew something I didn't.
Playfully she grabbed my ankle, pulling me across the bed.
"We don't want to be late for our party," she chuckled, reaching for my hand. She helped me up onto my feet.
"What party? What are you talking about?"
"You really had no clue, did you?" she said, grinning in astonishment.
My vision was distorted when my eyes scrunched together, still not having a clue as to what she was talking about.
"That I was going to propose to you?" she tilted her head, smiling as she rubbed my cheek with her thumb.
I mashed my lips together and shook my head, slightly embarrassed. "I thought your parents came here to move you out of the apartment."
"I think I'm going to buy Hyunji and Tammy new cars." Lisa laughed lightly to herself.
An hour and a half later, we drove up to Hyunji and Gary's house to attend our private engagement party. Lisa's parents were already there, waiting for us.
I still could not believe that the last two days had really happened. Lisa and I were still madly in love, her symbol of her commitment clad in diamonds around my finger, and all of my heartache was almost completely forgotten.
--
"I guess I should call Fred, find out what time they are coming for poker," I said out loud.
Lisa twisted the cap back onto the bottle of soda and set it back in the refrigerator. "We're not playing poker tonight," she informed. "It's just you and me tonight. We're going out."
"Out?" I was shocked. We had rarely ever gone "out" before.
"Yep. I'm taking you out on a date… a proper date," she corrected. "Go get dressed."
She pulled her jeans up onto her hips and grabbed a clean shirt off of a hanger in the closet.
"So where are we going?" I asked.
"I have no idea. Out to dinner, bowling… it's your choice. We're going to try and have a normal date, even if I have to wear a disguise. I'm taking you out."
We drove to one of my favorite local restaurants. I looked at my watch, noting the time, so we wouldn't be late for our next stop.
Lisa tapped me in the foot under the table and snickered to herself when I flinched. We were sitting in a booth all the way in the back corner of the restaurant, well out of the way of most eyes.
"So, my beautiful fiancée," she teased, "where to next?"
I took a sip of soda to wash down my last bite of pizza, tapping my foot in rhythm against her.
"Movies," I answered casually. "George Clooney's latest flick is playing at the Galaxy Theatre."
Lisa tried to look unaffected, but I could tell she was freaking out thinking about being around crowds and the public. She even wrapped her scarf an extra loop around her neck to cover half of her face when we got up to leave.
She tugged my hand as we walked in opposite directions. "Um, Honey… car is this way?"
I stopped and held my ground, pulling her towards me. "Theater is only three blocks down the street. See the marquee lights? It will be okay. Let's walk."
We held hands as we casually strolled down the empty sidewalk in the dark. No one noticed us; no one even knew we existed. It was wonderful.
I squeezed her hand tightly in mine, completely bewildered that she was finally here with me. My heart that was once so devastated with thoughts of losing her was now being stitched back together, like it was never shattered in the first place. Her love for me was just the glue I needed, restoring me back to whole.
I knew I could never make the same mistakes again. My insecurities needed to be replaced with trust and assuredness. I would never doubt her love for me or her intentions to have a long life together. Still, I was afraid that if I blinked too many times that I would wake up from this wonderful dream of togetherness.
"That was good pizza," Lisa said, trying to stifle a burp, but failing at it. Her body was making all sorts of noises.
"If your fans only knew!" I teased, giving her a nudge with my hip. "It would definitely blow your whole mysterious, sexy image thing! That was weak, by the way. I'm hardly impressed. I give that one a 2.7."
"See, this is why I love you. You don't judge my foulness, you grade it!" she wrapped her arm over my shoulder, putting me in another teasing headlock. I reached up her jacket, playfully retaliating by tickling her in the ribs.
Lisa nodded her chin towards the theater after she twined my fingers back into her. "I bet you a million bucks that George Clooney has his vile moments too," she joked.
"There's no way I'm taking that bet! I'm smart enough to know that underneath the movie star facades and special effects makeup are nothing more than beer-drinking, burping, fartypants men."
"Yep," she and her body agreed. "But put us in an Armani tux and we look good!"
The Galaxy Theatre was one of our town's historic landmarks, having been in existence since the 1930's. It had the old style ticket booth and fancy marquee lights illuminating the title of the feature movie. By the time we reached the theater, no one was in line.
We purchased a bucket of popcorn and a soda at the tiny concession stand and then made our way into the dimly lit theater.
"This place is cool!" Lisa whispered, loosening her scarf just a bit. We had the back row all to ourselves. I noticed her glancing around at the interior - the art-deco wallpaper, thick red velvet drapes bordering the stage, ornate chandeliers and sconces on the walls – it was very reminiscent of an era when films shaped our society.
Lisa stuck her hand in the bucket of popcorn, laughing at the silliness of the old Tom and Jerry cartoon that played on the screen. She was able to enjoy an entire night out without any interference from the paparazzi or enamored fans.
"You know, when I take you to the Reparation premier in a few days your theater experience is going to be much different from this," she whispered privately.
"I know," I said as visions of thousands of screaming fans passed through my thoughts. "And I'm ready for it."
"It will be your warm-up for the insanity yet to come in July," she continued, a hint of nervous apprehension and regret accompanied her words. I instantly knew she was referring to the Seaside premier, which would be a three-week multi-country tour.
I rested my head on her shoulder to enjoy the movie, but even more so, this time we finally had together. Lisa softly kissed my forehead and whispered "I love you." It was precious moments like these that made life worth living.
Unfortunately with all blissfully sweet moments, there must always be a few not so good ones mixed in between. I suppose it's what keeps the balance.
The very next day, I stood there in our bedroom, helplessly watching as she packed another suitcase. Her basic needs were fulfilled… clean socks and underwear shoved around a stack of clean shirts and jeans, another script and some gum packed in her carry-on bag next to her laptop.
Her other needs, those that could only be met by her lover, were hopefully fulfilled to the best of my abilities as well.
"You have my schedule in your calendar?" Lisa asked as she hauled her suitcase down the steps.
"Yes," I answered, confirming for the third time that my new phone was synched with her.
"I checked e-mail - all the flight itineraries are there. And there will be a car waiting for you when you land, Mrs. Bailey." Lisa smirked. "Marla's assistant is making the arrangements for your…"
"Honey, I know," I said softly, slipping my fingers into her front pockets to hold onto her for a minute longer. "Don't worry! I already talked to Trish. Everything will be fine. I promise to look smashing for each of the premiers!" I beamed.
"Oh, don't forget your passport," she reminded.
"I won't."
"My parents and Nick and Janelle land at LAX an hour after you do so you won't be alone for long. Oh, wait. What am I thinking? You won't be alone - the gang will be with you, which I'm glad because I have almost three entire days of press junkets and appearances. Just remember to keep the hotel a secret, and…"
"Lisa…"
"What?" she whined.
"Honey, you're stressing out. You need to relax and stop worrying. I'll see you in L.A. tomorrow, I promise."
She left out a long sigh.
My eyes departed her face and glanced to the door when I heard a car horn honk.
"I love you," I murmured on her lips as she kissed me goodbye.
"I love you more!" she snickered, pulling me in tighter.
"Go, be a movie star," I teased her. "I'll be on the next plane right behind you."
Lisa held my hands; her thumbs rolled over both of my rings, twisting them on my fingers. It was her subtle way of reminding me of their engraved messages.
"I'll see you soon," she said sadly.
She kissed me one more time before slipping from my hands and out to the car that waited.