Jennie
"Chains and whips excite me...c-c-c-come on, come on...S-S-S-S-M-M-M..."
"Gabriel Allen Kim, if you don't stop singing that song I am going to put you on the curb for the garbage men to pick up," I yelled for the tenth time today as I finished cleaning up the kitchen from lunch.
"That's boring," Gabi muttered before stomping off to his room.
"Speaking of garbage, when is that Lucio guy going to be here?" my dad asked from his seat at the kitchen table.
Why is everyone determined to get on my nerves today?
"It's LISA, Dad. Stop being an ass. She'll be here when she wakes up."
My dad made a production of looking down at his wrist where there wasn't even a watch.
"It's 12:48. What kind of a slacker is this guy?"
I threw the dish towel on the counter and turned to give my dad a dirty look.
"She works the nightshift, dad. We've been over this already. One more comment out of you and I'm changing your Facebook status to "I love penis."
I walked over to the fridge to add a few things to my shopping list that hung off of the freezer and tried not to glance at the clock. I was definitely anxious to see Lisa.
I was up to my eyeballs in stuff for the grand opening and Lisa was working a lot of overtime so we hadn't seen each other since the night of dinner a week earlier. But we talked on the phone and she also called a few times just to talk to Gabi, which totally made my heart melt.
Thoughts of our time in the storage room earned me extra credit in Doyeon Homework by making my way through my suitcase of "who needs a man" products for a second time. Doyeon got all choked up on the phone when I told her. It was a beautiful moment for the two of us.
I was working at the bar tonight so Lisa was going to give me a ride up there. I called Doyeon and told her she and Jim should come so Lisa wouldn't be bored.
"I think maybe I'll hide behind the couch and jump out when she gets here. Put the fear of George into her," my dad said with a nod of his head.
"Not funny. And don't you mean "fear of God"?"
He shrugged. "Same thing."
God said "Let there be light" and George Kim flipped the switch.
This was the most my dad had spoken about Lisa since they met. Granted, it wasn't very flattering but hey, it was progress. At least he was acknowledging her existence and not thinking up new ways to kill her. Dad had been going down the alphabet for a week now and finally stopped at the letter S.
Death by shopping cart suffocation, in case you were wondering.
The doorbell rang and I hurried to answer it. I wiped my hands on the front of my jeans, smoothed my hair and bent forward to reach my hand down the front of my shirt and tug each of the girls up so their prime real estate was on full display. I stood back up, took a deep breath and flung the door open. My heart actually skipped a beat when I saw Lisa standing there.
"You know there are windows on either side of your door right? And that your curtains are see-through?" Lisa said with a smirk.
Why? WHY, for the love of God!
"I would give you my entire paycheck for a month if you bent over in front of me and fluffed your boobs again," she said as she stepped through the door, and I closed it behind her.
I closed my eyes, fully prepared to be mortified and not make eye contact, but before I could wish for a giant hole in the floor to swallow me up, Lisa's lips were on mine. She slid her arm around my waist and pulled me up against her, cupping my cheek with her hand as she slid her tongue past my lips and slowly stroked it through my mouth. I could kiss this person for days and never get enough. Her lips moved against mine, soft and sensually, while her hand slid from my cheek, down my neck, and stopped on the bare skin right above my heart. I wanted to reach up and push her hand down into my bra. My fists clutched onto the front of her shirt and a whimper escaped from me as her hand inched just a tiny bit lower. If my mouth wasn't fused to her right now, I might wonder if I said that last part out loud. Or maybe she could read my mind.
Touch my boobs. Do it. The power of my mind commands you.
Her hand stopped its downward descent and I wanted to scream. Her tongue continued to slide against mine ever so slowly and I really wished I had one of those green flags from the NASCAR races. I would've waved that thing all around. Wave it in the air like I just don't care.
Lisa, start your engine! You have been given the green flag. All systems go. Hit the gas and let your hand grab the boob.
"If you touch my daughter's boobs while I'm standing right here, I'm gonna have to put taffy in your trachea until you terminate."
Lisa and I broke apart so fast you would have thought we were teenagers that just got caught having sex instead of grown adults that had a child together.
"Did your dad just tell me he was going to choke me to death with taffy?" Lisa whispered.
"Yeah. He's on the letter T. Behave or an umbrella up your Uranus will be in your future," I whispered back.
My father walked over to us and looked Lisa up and down.
"You got any tattoos, girl?"
Lisa looked at me in confusion and I just shrugged my shoulders. You never knew what was going to come out of my dad's mouth.
"Uh, no. No, sir, I do not," Lisa replied.
"You own a bike?"
"Well, I have a pretty nice mountain bike that's still in storage because I just haven't had time to take it out for a…"
"Motorcycle, Leo," my father interrupted with a sigh of annoyance. "Do you own a motorcycle?"
Lisa shook her head, "No, and my name is Lis-"
"You ever been arrested or get in a bar fight?" my dad interrupted.
"No, I've never been arrested or gotten into any kind of fight, Mr. Kim," Lisa said with a confident smile.
My dad leaned over towards me.
"Jennie, are you sure this kid isn't gay?" he whispered to me.
"Jesus, Dad! No, she's not gay," I yelled back.
"Hey…" Lisa said, insulted by my dad's question.
My dad turned to face Lisa and sighed.
"Fine, you can date my daughter and get to know your son. But if you knock her up again…"
"DAD!"
My dad looked over at me with my hands on my hips and smoke practically coming out of my ears and then continued with his warning like I wasn't there.
"…I will comb the face of the earth, hunt you down like a dog, and drop her cranky ass off on your doorstep. I'm not dealing with another nine months of Miss Pissy Pants over there."
Oh for the love of God.
I looked back and forth between them as they stared each other down.
Lisa nodded her head and stuck out her hand for my dad to shake.
"Deal," Lisa said as they shook on it.
Wonderful. One big happy cray-cray family.
Just then, Gabi flew through the living room holding something above his head.
"Lisa! Look at the new sword I gots!"
Christ almighty!
My son was running into the room with my Jack Rabbit above his head like he was a gladiator going into battle. A gladiator with a purple "sword" that had five speeds.
"Oooh, what does this button do?" Gabi asked as he stopped and pressed the button that made the beads swirl around.
I flew over to him and tried to snatch it out of his hand, but he wouldn't let go. I frantically pressed all of the buttons to get it to stop while I played tug-of-war with Gabi and suddenly I hit one that switched it to warp speed and made the whole top part start rotating and vibrating so hard Gabi's arms shook.
"M-m-m-m-m-o-o-o-o-m-m-m-m-m th-th-th-th-i-i-i-i-s-s-s-s t-t-t-i-i-ck-l-e-s-s-s."
Fucking hell. When did this kid get so strong?
"Gabriel, cut it out. This is not a toy," I said through gritted teeth.
I was playing tug-of-war with a rubber penis and my son. This is not okay people!
"It is too a toy. Why do you get all the good toys?" Gabi huffed as he put all of his weight into pulling the thing out of my hand and I actually stumbled forward.
"No, really guys don't worry. I've got this," I said sarcastically at my dad and Lisa. They were standing shoulder-to-shoulder, a few feet away watching the show. They looked at each other and burst out laughing.
Of course. NOW they bonded - when I was trying to wrestle a sex toy out of my kid's hand.
"Gabriel, let go NOW!" I yelled.
"You better do as your mom says, Gabi. She gets grumpy when she can't play with her toy," my dad laughed.
Lisa laughed right along with him until I shot her a look that clearly said "If you don't shut the fuck up and help me, I will never let you in my pants again."
Her mouth quickly shut and she finally moved.
"Hey, Gabi, I got something for you I left on the front porch. And it's a much better toy than your mom's. Why don't you run out and grab it," Lisa suggested.
Gabi released his death grip on the vibrator without another word and ran out the front door.
"You are so lucky you helped me when you did or there would have been serious repercussions," I told Lisa angrily.
Obviously she didn't get the severity of the situation since she was actually giggling right now. And my dad was wiping tears out of his eyes. Then I looked down and realized I had been enunciating my point by shaking the vibrator in Lisas face.
I quickly put my arm down, opened one of the end table drawers and shoved the damn thing inside just as Gabi ran back into the house with a toy gun, cowboy hat and sheriff's badge stuck to his shirt.
"Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they cut your wiener," Gabi sang as he pointed his gun at random objects.
"Wow, cops have gotten pretty hardcore lately," Lisa muttered.
--
I forgave Lisa on our ride to the bar because come on, look at her. I couldn't hold a grudge and fantasize about her penis. It was a major conflict of interest.
Business was just starting to pick up at the bar as the after-work crowd started filing in around seven. Doyeon and Jim ate dinner with Lisa at one of the booths and the three of them moved over to the bar after they were done. On one of my many trips walking past them, Lisa reached out and grabbed my arm. She swiveled her seat to the side so she could pull me between her legs. I set my empty tray on top of the bar next to her and she rested her hands on my hips.
"Remember when I told you that I would always tell you if your ass looked fat?" she asked.
Oh man, I knew I shouldn't have licked the bowl of milk chocolate clean last night after I finished making turtles. I could feel my thighs getting bigger while I stood here. Were they rubbing together tonight when I walked? I bet she was worried my rubbing thighs were going to start a spark.
Only you can prevent thigh fires. That Smokey the bear jerk only cared about the forest. Fuck the forest. My vagina could catch on fire because Lisa thought I was fat.
"Shut your brain off. I wasn't going to tell you that you looked fat," she scolded.
I knew that.
"I was just going to say, I forgot to also mention that I will always tell you when your ass looks so fucking amazing that I want to wrap my hands around it every time you walk by."
I bit my bottom lip and smiled.
"Anything else?"
Yeah, I was fishing for compliments again. I just had a meltdown about a thigh inferno. I earned this.
"Yes," Lisa answered after kissing me softly. "I will also always tell you when your legs look so long and sexy that all I can think about is having them wrapped around my waist."
She kissed my lips again.
"And I will always tell you when you are so beautiful that somebody better call God, because he's missing an angel."
"Awww did you just use a cheesy pick-up line on me?" I asked.
"I've been waiting to use that since I was fifteen," Lisa said with a smile.
"Are you guys done yet? I just threw up in my mouth a little listening to this shit," Doyeon muttered from her seat on the other side of Lisa.
"Well aren't you two just the cutest couple?"
I turned away from Lisa when I heard the female voice behind me dripping with sarcasm.
"Tasha, what the fuck are you doing here?" Lisa demanded as she stood up behind me.
Whoa, fucking whoa! Tasha? The ex? This was who Lisa dated before she came here? Isn't this just a pickle on the crap sandwich that is my life. Of course she had to look like a porn star. Miles of long blonde hair, bright blue eyes and a perfect complexion. Not to mention the tiniest waist known to man and the nicest set of boobs I've ever seen. They had to be fake. Real boobs weren't that perfectly round. If I didn't hate her on sight, I might have asked her if I could touch them. She looked familiar. She flipped her hair behind one shoulder and it suddenly came to me where I knew her from.
"Hey, you were at Minnie's sex toy party a few weeks ago."
I felt Doyeon walk up next to me.
"Oh yeah, I remember her. Twat Face Tasha," Doyeon said with a smile as she crossed her arms in front of her.
Twatty huffed in irritation. "It was Tantalizing Tasha."
"Nope, I'm pretty sure it was Twat Face," Doyeon said, looking to me for confirmation.
I nodded in agreement.
"Oh it definitely was. She probably doesn't remember because we talked about it behind her back," I said with a shrug.
Before I knew it, Cunty was up in my face.
"Listen slut, just because you're Lisa's new flavor of the week doesn't make you anything special."
All hell broke loose then. Lisa started yelling at Tasha, Tasha yelled at all of us and Doyeon pushed her away from me. I just stood there in the middle of the commotion in shock.
"That's enough Tasha," Lisa said angrily. "Tell me what you want, or leave. You will not just show up here out of the blue and insult Jennie."
She gave me another snide look before turning her gaze back on Lisa.
"Wow, it sure didn't take you long to find some little whore to dip your wick into did it?" Tasha asked Lisa sarcastically.
Oh hell no! She did not just call me a whore.
I took a step towards her, my hands shaking with the urge to punch that smug look off of her face.
"That's pretty rich considering I heard you fucked your way through the phone book when you were with Lisa. Your vagina is a giant gaping hole like the one the iceberg left on the titanic. It's a crime scene in your pants with hundreds of people screaming in horror and trying to jump the fuck off."
I didn't even know what I was saying at this point. I was just spouting nonsense because I was pissed. And it looked like I hit the nail on the head - or the vagina. Tasha charged me like a bull. Everyone moved at once. I moved out of the way, Lisa, Doyeon and Jim all got in front of me and grabbed onto Tasha while she screamed about killing me. It turns out, porn star-slut-ex-girlfriends aren't so pretty when they have tomato-red faces, spit flying out of their mouths and their limbs are flailing all over the place.
Lisa finally managed to grab Tasha's elbow and started pulling her with over to the front door while she continued to yell insults and death threats at me. Lisa made eye contact with me and mouthed 'I'm sorry' before she disappeared out the front door with the nut job.
I'm not gonna lie, I was a little freaked out. It felt like everyone in the place was looking at me. It was so loud in here, no one had any clue what had just happened, but it still unnerved me. I hated being the center of attention. And I hated how insecure I felt because right now, Lisa was outside, alone, with her ex-girlfriend. Granted, she was obviously one window lick away from riding the short bus, but that knowledge did nothing to ease my mind.
I let one of the other waitresses know when she walked by that I was going to take a break for a few minutes. Doyeon pushed me down onto her barstool and Jim stood behind me rubbing my shoulders to try and ease the tension. Neither of them said much. I think they were waiting for me to have a mental breakdown or curl up in the fetal position and suck my thumb. I had never been in any kind of a fight before. I talked a good game but the first time someone came at me I ran the other way. One time in high school, Doyeon and I were walking through the mall and some crazy emo chick walked by us and slammed her shoulder into mine. Without thinking, I turned and shouted "Stop writing poetry and crying and watch where you're going!"
She stopped dead in her tracks and turned around, along with the rest of her depressed, too-much black eye make-up posse. I quickly stuck the straw of my cherry slush in my mouth and pointed my thumb at Doyeon.
"What did we miss, kids?" Sehun asked, coming up behind us a few minutes later with his arm around Minnie as the rest of us just stood there staring at the door where Lisa had disappeared.
I turned around to face him and his shirt that said, "I shaved my balls for this?"
"Somebody just tried to kill me," I told him in a horrified voice.
"What? Who?" Sehun asked.
"Tasha." Doyeon said with disgust.
Minnie immediately looked guilty.
"Oh shit! She was here already? Jennie, I'm so sorry. Tasha is all my fault."
"What the hell are you talking about? You know that crazy bitch?" Doyeon asked.
"We went to college together and she called me a few weeks ago and said she'd be in town and wanted to get together. That's why she was at the sex toy party. She was only supposed to stay for that weekend but she decided to stick around longer. I had no idea she knew Lisa until a little bit ago. She asked me if I knew Lisa and said she was an old friend and wanted to say hi. It wasn't until after I told her where you guys were going to be tonight that I remembered she used to date someone named Lisa. That's why we came up here. I really thought we'd get here before her so I could fix this. "
Sehun removed his arm from around Minnie and turned to face me, jumping into action.
"Okay, Jennie, here's what we need to do first. Do you know how to throw a punch?" Sehun asked as he grabbed my arms and stared seriously into my eyes.
"What? No. What are you talking about? I'm not going to fight her," I said with a roll of my eyes.
"You don't understand. I've known this freak for years. Did she threaten you?" Sehun asked.
"Yeah, that cum dumpster said she'd kick Jennie's ass," Doyeon told him.
"Oh it's on now! It's on like Frogger!" Sehun shouted in excitement.
"Don't you mean Donkey Kong?" Jim asked as he stood behind Doyeon and slid his arms around her waist.
"I never really liked Donkey Kong. So it was never on. Frogger just works better for me."
"Sehun, nothing is going to be on. I have never been in a fight and I'm not going to start now. Lisa took her outside and is hopefully telling her to go to hell. Problem solved," I said.
Sehun looked at me in horror. "Jennie, I don't think you understand the seriousness of this situation. Now, as much as I hate Tasha like a fire burning rash on my dick, she's still hot. And Jennie, you're a total MILF."
I looked at him in confusion. "Sehun, what the hell does this have to do with anything?"
"It's like you don't even know me Jennie," Sehun said sadly with a shake of his head.
He let go of my arms and stepped back, wiping an imaginary tear from under his eye.
"Jim, help me out here man. I'm too upset to continue."
Jim untangled his arms from Doyeon and took a step forward to pat Sehun on the back.
"As Sehun has pointed out Jennie, you're hot. And while we all agree that Cray-Cray needs to be put in her place, unfortunately, she's hot too. And you're both chicks with long hair. And we're in a restaurant that has approximately four different flavors of Jell-O in the back room," Jim explained seriously.
"Oh my God are you fucking kidding me?" Doyeon asked. "This is about wanting to see two chicks fight in a pool of Jell-O?"
"Doyeon. It's ALWAYS about wanting to see two chicks fight in a pool of Jell-O. Never, ever forget that," Sehun said without any trace of humor in his voice. "Jell-O is delicious."
Doyeon looked over at me. "You know, even though these two morons are speaking with their dicks right now, you should probably learn how to hit something. You know, just in case Lisa can't talk any sense into her. If she comes back in here, obviously we'll all take her out, but what if she sneaks up on you when you're unloading groceries from your car? Or jumps up from your backseat while you're driving down the highway?" she asked.
"Oh my God, what is wrong with you?! This is not helping me AT ALL!" I screeched.
"Alright, that was probably an exaggeration. Besides, her tits are too big to squeeze down in the backseat of a car. You'd totally see her first," Doyeon replied with a shrug. "And now, you can learn how to pop one of those implants without breaking a nail."
This was really not happening was it? I didn't want to learn how to fight. I should have kept my mouth shut with the twat face giant vagina comments.
Sehun turned to face me and put both of his hands up in the air with his palms facing out.
"Alright, strap on your brass balls and hit me," Sehun said, widening his stance.
I stood there with my hands on my hips looking around at everyone. They all stood there waiting for me to punch Sehun's hands.
"This is the dumbest idea ever," I complained.
"Come on Jennie, let 'er rip. Then you can go outside and tear her shit up like a Cyclops," Minnie said.
"Cyclops?" Jim asked.
"You know, that other name for like, a hurricane or tornado. Cyclops."
We all cocked our heads at her in confusion.
Sehun sighed. "It's cyclone, baby."
I took that moment to wind back and punch Sehun's hand so I could take him by surprise. Sehun looked at me in confusion while I bounced back and forth on my toes like a boxer. That felt good. That felt really good. I hit the shit out of his hand. Bring it on bitch!
"Jennie, what the fuck was that?" Sehun asked.
"Scared you didn't I? That was my fist of fury, BITCH!" I yelled.
Sehun put his hands on his hips and stared at me.
"You have the punching power of a drunken baby. I hope you throw down your vagina harder than that. Otherwise, I feel bad for Lisa's penis."
"Why are we feeling bad for my penis?"
Lisa came up behind me before I could tell Sehun that my vagina and Lisa's penis were none of his business.
"So what's up, man? What the hell did Slut Bag McFuck Stick want?" Sehun asked.
Lisa sighed. "Oh just to tell me what a big mistake she made turning her vagina into a twenty-four hour seven-eleven. And how "you don't know what you got till it's gone."
"Wow, she quoted a Cinderella song. She's not afraid to bring out the big guns is she?" Doyeon asked.
Everyone was laughing and making a big joke about this, but it wasn't funny. It wasn't funny at all. That bitch wanted to kill me. Or at least punch me in the face. Did everyone forget about that fact already? She wanted to punch me. In the face. With her FIST.
"I hate to break up the fun, but Crazy Train wants to beat up my face."
Doyeon gave me a reassuring look.
"Calm down Long Duk Dong. You may punch like a grandma after drinking a forty-ounce, but remember Jennie – you know how to take a punch. That's what's most important here right now," Doyeon said with a pat to my back.
I looked at her in confusion for a few seconds before I remembered what she was talking about - drunken Fight Club night last year.
"I'm sorry, but why does Jennie know how to take a punch? I'm not sure I like where this is going," Lisa said nervously.
"Well, last year Jim made us watch Fight Club for like, the ten-thousandth time. And while I'm all for a little shirtless Brad Pitt action, Jennie and I decided to take a shot every time Edward Norton talked in third person. By about twenty minutes in, we were trashed. I don't know whose idea it was, but Jennie and I started our own fight club in the living room," Doyeon explained.
"It was your idea, Doyeon. You stood up in front of me, lifted your shirt and said "Punch me in the stomach as hard as you can, fucker."
Jim started laughing as he remembered back to that night. It wasn't my finest hour. I punched even worse when I was drunk, barely even grazing Doyeon's skin. She, however, could punch like a WWF wrestler on steroids.
"Oh yeah, that's right! That was one of the best ideas I've ever had while drunk. We punched each other back and forth until you started wheezing and yelled, "I am Jennie's internal bleeding and you need to cut this shit out!"
Lisa looked back and forth between us just shaking her head in disbelief.
"Don't worry about our girl, Lisa. She went a good ten rounds before she tapped out," Jim said with a laugh. "And you'll be happy to know I got it all on video."
"Was there Jell-O? Tell me there was Jell-O?" Sehun asked excitedly.
My shift ended a few hours after that and I desperately needed a drink after tonight's events. I threw my apron behind the bar and everyone moved back to a large table so we could all sit together. After we sat down at the table, Lisa told us what happened outside. Tasha claimed that she made a huge mistake and she wanted Lisa back. Lisa laughed in her face and told her to take her crab-infested vagina back to Toledo. Lisa also informed her that she had always wanted me, even when she was with her and now that she found me, she was never letting me go.
Cue the applause.
I lost track of how many drinks I consumed the rest of the night. Every time I set my empty glass down it was magically refilled. I think Lisa knew I was stressed about the Tasha situation and wanted me to just relax and have a good evening.
Or she wanted to get me drunk and take advantage of me.
My lady bits started jumping up and down, clapping her hands and screaming, "Yes please!"
I kept looking towards the door expecting Tasha to come charging back in. After a while though, I didn't know which door she would come through since there were at least thirty of them when I looked in that direction.
I glanced down into my glass, trying to count the ice cubes and lost track after one.
Wow, what did they put in this vodka?
Lisa kept looking over at me and smiling and it took everything in me not to straddle her lap. I really wanted to make some sort of move, but I didn't know the first thing about that crap. My hand was on her thigh and I slowly moved it upwards. I stopped just a few inches below the bulge I couldn't stop staring at. I want to rub my vagina all over that shit.
Yes, I was aware that I was sitting here at a table full of people, just staring down in Lisa's lap like it was a desert oasis and I hadn't sipped water in months.
I thought about things I could whisper in her ear that might turn her on.
"We should have the sex."
Lisa laughed and kissed my cheek.
"I thought that out loud didn't I?"
"Yes, you definitely thought that out loud," she said with a smile.
I turned away from her and grabbed Doyeon's arm, pulling her up with me.
"Be right back," I mumbled to the table in general.
I pulled Doyeon over to the bar, about ten feet away from the table.
"I don't know how to sex," I complained.
"Um, what?" Doyeon asked.
"I mean, sexy. I don't know how to sexy."
Doyeon laughed.
"You mean you don't know how to be sexy?"
I just nodded. Doyeon got me. My best friend was the best ever. She was so pretty and nice and pretty.
"Hon, you're doing just fine. In case you hadn't noticed, Lisa hasn't been able to keep her hands off of you all night. And you couldn't see it, but when you put your hand on her leg, she kept swallowing and staring off into space like she was trying not to jizz in her pants."
I was starting to panic. Which was probably the booze talking but so what? I didn't know the first thing about seducing a guy. I was going to make a total fool of myself.
"You're seriously freaked out about this?" Doyeon asked, all traces of humor gone from her face when she saw how worried I was.
"I feel like I'm going to puke I'm so nervous."
Doyeon sighed. "Jennie, you're a hot bitch. You could stand there and do nothing and she'd still want to hump your leg. You just need some confidence. Repeat after me, "I am a dirty, dirty slut."
Doyeon stood there with her hands on her hips waiting for me to comply. I looked back nervously at Lisa but she was deep in conversation with Sehun.
"This is ridiculous," I complained.
"What's ridiculous is that you don't think you can be slutty. Do you honestly think I would be friends with you if I thought there wasn't a dirty whore lurking in there somewhere? Give me a little credit please. You are the quintessential lady in the streets, freak in the sheets."
"You need to stop quoting Urban Dictionary," I told her.
Lisa had probably been with lots of women. Women who could suck a golf ball through a garden hose and dance on a pole. Doyeon meant well, but I just didn't know if I could pull this off.
"You're starting to piss me off. Just say it. I am a dirty, dirty slut."
I rolled my eyes. I might as well do what she says or she'll never let it go.
"I'm a dirty, dirty slut," I mumbled quietly.
Well, that did feel a little good saying it out loud. Maybe Doyeon was on to something.
"Come on dirty girl, you can do better than that. Do it again, and put your vagina into it," Doyeon encouraged.
I took a deep breath and said it a little louder. Thank God there was music playing and people talking.
"Wow, did you see that?" Doyeon asked. "Lisa's disco stick just shriveled up and died. You suck at this, and not in a good way. Again!"
I clenched my fists at my sides and my breathing sped up. I could be a dirty slut; I could be dirtier than a hooker at a gang-bang.
Okay, maybe not that dirty.
I took in a big gulp of air and let out all of my nerves, all of my anxiety and all of my irrational fears with one sentence.
"I AM A DIRTY, DIRTY SLUT!"
Unfortunately, the jukebox decided to move to a new song right then, so the decibel level of the bar had dropped considerably. I was too busy empowering the slut within to notice. Too bad for me no one else had been preoccupied with anything other than my screaming confirmation.
Everyone within shouting distance immediately started clapping and cheering. There were a few cat calls and wolf whistles and one over-zealous person who yelled, "Save a drum, bang a dirty slut!"
Sehun got smacked in the arm by Minnie for that one.
Everyone felt so sorry for me that free drinks were sent to me for the next hour. And I couldn't be rude. I had to drink them. Which was why Lisa was now helping me walk into my house because my feet just did not want to cooperate and - oh look, pizza!
I stumbled away from Lisa and flipped open the cardboard box my dad left on the counter, shoveling an entire piece into my mouth.
"Mfmmff soooo fucking good," I mumbled around bites.
Lisa stood behind me holding onto my hips to steady me while I inhaled two more pieces and guzzled two glasses of water.
"Fuck, this pizza is like...good and shit," I told her, wiping my greasy hands on a towel next to the box.
Alright, enough stalling. Time to do this shit.
I turned in Lisa's arms and gave her my best sultry look, chanting my mantra over and over.
I'm a dirty slut. I'm a dirty slut.
"Are you okay Jennie? Do you have something in your eye?"
Lisa cupped my cheeks and tilted my head back so she could look in my eye that did NOT have anything in it but sex appeal.
I am a drunk, dirty slut. I am a drunk, dirty slut.
I pulled my face away from her hands and decided to stick with a smile. It was safer.
I could do this; I could so totally do this.
I lifted the hem of my shirt up over my stomach, my black lace bra, and my head.
Except, my shirt got caught in the bobby pins on the top of my head. I was standing here in front of Lisa with my shirt stuck around my head and chin and my arms stuck out in front of my face.
I am the great Cornholio. I am the great Cornholio. I need TP for my bunghole.
I started snorting and Lisa bent her knees so she could peak into the opening of my shirt.
"Baby, what are you doing?" she asked with a laugh.
"I might need some help getting nuded," I said through snorts of laughter.
"Did you say neutered?"
Lisa's question just made me laugh even harder, which naturally made me cry - deep, heaving sobs with snot running down my nose.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have now entered the drunk crying portion of our evening. Please put your seatbacks in the upright position and try not to stare at the train wreck to your left.
Lisa helped me get my shirt back on and put her hands back on my face, wiping away the tears with her thumbs.
"Hey, why the tears? What's wrong?" she asked softly.
That just made me cry harder. She was so nice and pretty and…nice. I sniffled loudly.
"I just wanted to be a slut so you'd like me and I don't want your penis to be disappointed and Twat Face is going to beat me up because I called her vagina a clown car."
Lisa chuckled at my ramblings, bent down and scooped me up into her arms bridal-style. She walked down the hall towards my room, and I laid my head on her chest.
"First of all, I will never let Tasha beat you up, so don't even give that another thought," she reassured me as she gently set me down on my bed. She grabbed a couple of tissues from my nightstand and handed them to me as she knelt down next to my bed.
"Second," she said softly as I blew my nose and she held up the covers so I could crawl under. "You don't need to do anything to be dirty or sexy. You are already all of those things and more just by breathing. I am in a constant state of horniness whenever I'm near you or thinking about you. I don't want you to be nervous or worried about anything involving you and me and sex. You are everything I have ever wanted Jennie. Never doubt that."
I really wish I wasn't drunk. I would so put her penis in my mouth right now.
Lisa groaned and I was too drunk to care that I had just said that out loud. I snuggled into the covers.
"If you keep saying things like that, I am going break the rule I made to myself when I found you again," Lisa said with a shake of her head as she pulled the covers up around my shoulders and smoothed my hair off of my cheek.
"What rule?" I whispered, unable to keep my eyes open any longer.
Lisa leaned forward and put her lips by my ear.
"The rule that the next time I'm inside you, you will remember and enjoy every single second."
I wanted to tell her she was awfully cocky but that just made me think of cock and wonder why male roosters were called cocks.
I passed out singing Alice in Chains "They come to snuff the rooster" lyrics.