Just the Way You Are

Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations

Today

He looked at her, she was smiling but he could tell, like him, she wasn't comfortable, they never fared well in these situations, he knew that much, but something he knew in this moment, was that she was the most beautiful woman in the world. "Keep on keeping on?" he mouthed, she nodded and smiled faintly, it wasn't enough, but he was going to have to let it be enough, because it was more than they'd have done five years ago. They were both being so strong right now and after this they'd need to draw on more strength.

His mind went back to the beginning, as they took another step closer making him smile at how far they'd come to get to this day, he took a deep breath and took another step

Sam's POV

Five Years Ago

When I first met Mercy, we were just eighteen years old, she hated everything about herself, I sort of understood that what with having a similar infliction myself. To be honest, from the day I'd seen her I'd never seen these flaws she went on about now, and maybe unconsciously, it was our common insecurities that finally brought us together.

It was a shy meeting, lots of side looks and whispered hello's, which went on to be a very shy, odd, lack of conversation kind of relationship for a few weeks, there were so many similarities we didn't talk about. We'd wear dark baggy clothes and say we felt comfortable, always be drinking water instead of eating, spoke with our eyes instead of our mouths, loads of things. At the time I didn't know we were both scared to show skin, but I soon learned that she thought she had too many curves, after revealing to her that I thought I was bulging out all over the place.

On our first few dates, I call them that because we just happened to be in the same place at the same time a few times, we'd just sit watching the floor after the usual hello, then it was a sharp bye, and we'd part company. About a week in we started discussing something that had happened that day at school, I'd walk her home and we'd say goodnight, nothing physical, we might as well have been friends.

We'd been seeing each other, in whatever form that was, for about a month, then one night everything changed, for the first time I'd asked her the questions "What we were doing?" wanting something to change but unsure what. It seemed like that was what she was waiting for because that night we spoke so honestly to each other. It was surprisingly gratifying openly speaking our truths, it felt like we understood each other, I didn't feel like a freak anymore, there was someone else who understood my inner thoughts and I understood hers, we felt connected. That night we hugged for the first time, I walked her home and we kissed, nothing romantic, but it was memorable.

I'd gone home that night and researched, using every bit of information she'd given me, I finally came to the non-medical conclusion that Mercy had Body Dysmorphic Disorder, BDD for short, because she was totally obsessed about flaws that were invisible to me. I must admit I got a buzz at the thought of helping someone else, it took my mind of me.

Once we started talking, and kissing, there was no stopping us, months in we'd been busy planning prom, everyone was excited about it, we'd talked about nothing else for weeks, we'd carefully planned out outfits, travel, the lot, and then on the day, I got a call half an hour before we were due to meet up to say she wasn't going. I rushed over to her house to find out why, not only were we about to miss prom, but we were also missing out on one of the last times we were going to be with our peers, and we were just starting to be accepted.

I talked for about an hour trying to get her to change her mind, but she wouldn't move on it, I thought she looked beautiful in her green gown complimenting my suit, but she couldn't see how perfect she was. We ended up sitting in her parent's kitchen drinking hot chocolate and dunking biscuits, not to say I didn't enjoy the evening, we talked and kissed all evening, I just wished we'd have gone to our last prom together.

I think that was around the same time her parents realised there was something amiss with her, there was lots of conversations, and whispers. I think previously they'd put it down to her being shy, not having many friends, but after us missing the prom, they took her situation serious. She was taken to the doctors the Monday after prom, and the following week she was telling me she was going into therapy

"Is that what you want?" I asked shocked and surprised

"That's what they said I need" she told me, she sounded like all the life had drained out of her

Her parents, like mine, were very strict, her father was a politician, her mother; head of the science department at the local university, while my parents were semi-retired musicians in that they'd stopped touring, one thing they had in common was that they were super controlling so, we knew there was nothing called choice about this.

"Do you want me to come with you, I can wait outside?"

"Dad's bringing me" she started to cry "I'm not mad"

"Of course, you're not mad" I hugged her and let her cry; it was a lot to deal with "We just keep on keeping on"

"Yeah" she smiled

I was no stranger to mental unwellness myself, I'd suffered with an eating disorder since I was around twelve, I'm not sure why it started, I just found myself taking on the worries of my travelling parents, not eating too much to help financially; hoping they'd stay in one place, and then one day it was a problem. Since we'd settled in one place, I'd been working hard to change my relationship with food, but sometimes things became so strained I couldn't control it, I loved Mercy with all my heart, but sometimes supporting her got hard for me.

Four Years Ago

The therapy sessions were intense, Mercy would sit all evening crying sometimes, it got so much I went back to therapy myself, imagine both of us fighting our issues with no one else to talk to except each other. It took our relationship to a place we didn't know existed, at one time or another we became needy, volatile, toxic even, but as time went by, I was getting a handle on my flaws.

Then one day while we were deep in therapy, somehow, something clicked and suddenly we were doing well, my bulimia was calming down and she was being more her old self around me. We focused and swam through our exams and got in where we wanted for college. Then came another test for us, living together, as far as our parents were concerned, for all intents and purposes, we were friends, so us sharing a house seemed logical to them.

As you can guess being in each other's pockets with no parental constraints, things moved on for us, we'd discovered sex one evening in the middle of an argument, great stress release and absolute fun, it took a while to get that under control. The fact that we were in a good place, meant she wasn't so conscious about me seeing her body anymore, or her mine to be honest, we started dressing sexier, I guess the therapy was working.

I guess if we'd have been looking for them, we'd have seen the signs, we still had problems showing ourselves to the outside world, big flag. But when I realised, she'd zoned every bit of those insecurity she had going on into how her face looked, I was horrified, and for me that set off alarm bells again. I lay awake one night wondering what to do about the situation, pretending to be asleep when I felt her get up

It was five in the morning, I heard water running but thought nothing of it, an hour went by, and she was still in there, of course I was concerned, I got up to check what was happening

"Babe" I called "Is something up?"

"No, go back to bed"

"What are you doing?"

"My make up" she called back

"We've got four hours till class" I leaned on the door as my heart dropped "You know you're beautiful as you are, don't you?" I knocked the door again "Babe come out; you're making me anxious"

"You don't understand" she came out with her face looking scrubbed, there was blood seeping through the pasted on make up

"Shit Mercy, what have you done?" I grabbed hold of her horrified, we didn't go to class that day, but I did call her parents, the therapy sessions started again, and she went without question or kickback

"What's up?" I asked one evening when she walked in and slammed herself on the couch, after another therapy session

"I'm listening, I'm trying to do the things she tells me, but I'm not that person, I'm fed up with trying to be what everyone expects me to be"

"Including yourself?" slipped out my mouth before I could think it through

"What?" she snapped back at me

"I just mean" I searched my mind for a way to say what I needed to say, trying to find something that wasn't going to end our relationship "Sometimes you can be hard on yourself, and I honestly think, it's not true"

"I know" she rolled her eyes, knowing what was coming next "You love me just the way I am"

"It's not something flip I just say Mercy, I mean it"

"I'm sorry" she turned to look at me "This just isn't as easy as I thought it was going to be, it's deeper than before, and I guess I'm just fighting against the inevitable changes I need to make"

"I'm here" I hugged her "Every step of the way" I really didn't understand what the steps were at that point, but I knew she needed me, and that I needed to be alright to support her.

"I..." she looked up at me scared to say whatever was on her mind

"You can talk to me babe" I pulled her closer hoping she'd trust me on that

"I've been having suicidal thoughts" I could tell in her eyes she was scared for the disappointment she thought I was about to show her

"I've been there a few times too" I smiled knowingly at her, as a twelve-year-old, I don't think there was anything I thought about as much as not being here, the pressure of having to fit in with all the odd people around me was tremendous. There was the added anxiety of being alone, I was a child in an adult's world, my parents were on the road, loving life, I was the child seeing things I wasn't supposed to see, and trying to make sense of it all "Not about you, about my life before you" I quickly added

"I'm so tired of living like this"

"I know babe, but this is the hand we've been dealt, and we're not letting this win, are we?"

"I'm trying" she looked up at me "We just keep on keeping on?"

"You got it" I smiled

Two Years Ago

Shortly after the beginning of our third year together we had the worst month of our short lives together; it was something that happened in stages, The holidays were over, Mercy lost her job, but we were living off the bank of mom and dad anyway so if anything, it was tightening up on the takeaways. It was a bit of a godsend really because Mercy had been struggling to keep up with assignments, do the therapy sessions, and work, it felt like something was going to have to give soon, so I was grateful it was that to be honest.

I didn't notice at first that Mercy had stopped going out, she always had a reason as to why she was sitting in front of the laptop on the kitchen table, we were in our second year at university, her lectures were down to two a week, and she'd be listening to those via skype mainly, it was all very subtle, life went on like that until university was closed for the summer.

We decided to stay put over the holidays, we wanted to get something extra savings not college had finished, so I was working more hours, which meant I was out a hell of a lot, it fitted in well with her new job because she was doing some sales work online and didn't need the distraction, then for the first time in months we were both off work on eth same evening, we'd got our expected grades, and I felt like celebrating.

"Do you fancy going out, it's been a while?" I asked

"I'm good" she got up to do something in the kitchen

"Come on Mercy" I followed her in "There's a party at Lawson's place, it would be nice to let our hair down"

"You go" she turned to look at me "I'm good" the tone in her voice telling me she was annoyed

"What did I say?" I asked shocked

"Nothing" she turned her back to me to carry on doing whatever it was she was pretending to do "I said you go, if that's what you want to do"

"Why don't you want to go" she turned to look at me with fire in her eyes "Okay" I backed off and left her to herself, there was no point in talking when she got into that mode

Needless to say, we didn't go out that night, but we didn't speak again either, I went into a sulk because I didn't feel I was at fault, and she just wasn't speaking. The next morning, I got up and went to work, leaving her to do her usual thing. The days melted into each other, every day I went home it got quieter and then I was in a funk, depressed, lonely, and sex starved, I'd be at work binging and purging, just feeling so low, there was nothing I could do to please this woman and leaving her wasn't a choice.

I went back to that dark place, thinking things I had no business thinking, and the only thing stopping me from acting on them was the realisation that I had to check on her, because she'd told me she'd been thinking things too. Every night I'd stop for a second outside our place, praying everything was alright when I opened the door, my stomach churned at the thought of what I might find, and then she'd be sitting there. There'd be no verbal communication just a look of acknowledgement that someone had entered the apartment. One day I got so anxious I binged before I went in, bad move, but we hadn't spoken for nearly three weeks, so I didn't think that evening was going to be any different, but as soon as I walked into the apartment, I felt the urge a sped across the room to the bathroom

"What are you doing?" her voice entered the bathroom shocking me, she gasped at the sight of watching me wrench my guts up

"Get out" I shouted at her "Get out" I got up pushed her out the door and slammed it, I sat in the bathroom feeling ashamed, like I'd let her down in being so weak, blaming her for what I'd been forced to do for a long while before I finally realised I had to leave the bathroom at some point

"Sam" she got up, I could hear the concern in her voice, but I couldn't deal with her, didn't want to explain how bad things had got for me, or even want her to think all of it was her fault

"Leave me alone Mercy" I snapped at her making my way to the bedroom, slamming the door to let her know I wanted to be alone

A few hours later, when I finally came out of our bedroom, she was sat at the kitchen table, random music playing it the background, I thought she was working, but her laptop was nowhere to be seen, she smiled at me and got up "Coffee?" it was on the table before I could answer

"I don't think I can talk about it"

"You know what happens when we don't think?" she frowned sitting across the table from me

"We talk" I nodded looking into her eyes for the first time in weeks "I think we're falling apart, I don't know what else to do to help you and I feel like a failure"

"You feel like a failure?" she asked huffing "I'm the failure, since you've known me, I just exchange one vice for another, I can't get things right, I'm a damn mess" she frowned "I mean why are you still with me, I don't understand?"

"You're not going to believe me even if I shout it" I grabbed her hand

"Try me" she looked directly into my eyes

"This has been the worst month of my life" I squeezed her hand

"Mine too"

"But again, I'm telling you the truth" I held her hand with both hands "I love you just the way you are"

"I want to believe that, I do, but..."

"There are no buts Mercy, just the way you are"

"You were doing that in the bathroom because of me?"

"Because of desperation" I corrected her "What's wrong Mercy, this is something new?"

"You wanted me to go outside, and it scared me"

"Outside?" I looked at her trying to understand what she meant

"I don't know what's happened" she started crying "But the thought of going outside for everyone to see how ugly I am terrifies me, and I know you like me, but people stare"

"People stare at everyone babe"

"I just feel" she burst out crying again

"I feel it too, I promise you, but I only care about what you think about me, and that helps me"

"You're vomiting in the damn bathroom" she snapped pulling her hand away "Sorry" she grabbed my hand back as quickly as she'd let it go "Sorry I'm just scared"

"We're both scared" I smiled "But you promised me you'd keep on keeping on"

"And I will, I love you so much" she squeezed my hand tight "Promise me you'll keep on keeping on too?"

"Of course, I will"

It took time, communication, love, therapy, determination and patience, but months later when that first day came that I didn't feel like binging it felt like the first day of the rest of my life. I cried like a baby when Mercy finally made it back outside, our relationship moved from me carrying the both of us, to us carrying each other, and that made us stronger.

One Year Ago

We'd gotten through the worst of it, decided therapy was something we needed constantly, took a hold of our triggers and worked with them, six months on we had something like a routine going. College had long finished, we were making new plans, we knew for sure we wanted to live together we just didn't know where that was going to be. We invited our parents down to tell them about our relationship on our territory, they took us out for an extravagant meal and started the conversation

"So" Dad threw food in his mouth, he always did that when he felt awkward "Your mom and I were thinking" he looked up from his plate "Maybe if you two are thinking of carrying on this living together thing, you might want to do it a bit closer to home?" he quickly looked back down at his food

"What dad means" mom piped in, not pleased with his delivery "Is that we want to be at hand to support you guys when you need us"

"We all do" Mercy's mom threw in

"Look" her dad butted in sternly, changing the tone of the conversation "We know you two are... together, we'd be fools if we didn't, but I personally want Mercy closer to home, and if it were left to me the only choice, you'd have would be which house you wanted"

"Thank you" my dad smiled at him "I think that's what I was trying to say"

"We haven't made our minds up yet" I told them "When we do, you'll be the first to know"

"Face facts son, you can't just live anywhere" my dad snapped, I knew what he meant, we were the very messed up kids of famous people who ruled our every move, no wonder we were fucked up. "You have no concept of what life's really about; you live on the grace of your damn parents and now you want choice?" my mom's hand on his quickly calmed him down

"Compromise" Mercy's mom smiled "How about you come back for six months, see what you think and make your mind up then?"

I looked at Mercy, who had sat quietly all through dinner, I knew she'd been watching me messing around with my meal, I was anxious, we both were, her eyes telling me we knew they were right, we needed help "Okay" I looked at her mom smiling "We'll do that"

"Keep on keeping on" she reminded me, I nodded knowing what that meant to us

After giving notice at our jobs, we packed all our belongings we wanted to take with us and returned home, it was a funny place to call it for me, I'd travelled most of my life, but for Mercy that was what it was and wherever she was that was where I was destined to be. I think it would be fair to say there are no magic words, potions or wands that we could wave and say we were fixed, that was going to take work, but those few years alone together had taught us how to cope with our afflictions.

In our therapy sessions we were given lots of coping strategies, and if anyone were to ask me, I couldn't give them a definitive reply on which one worked for us, I think I'd say we threw them all in the pot and came out with our own mix.

We found a house near home, our parents were more than elated, Mercy got a job teaching at the local school and I went into the music business from a songwriting angle, we spent some time getting our place just how we wanted it and now, eight months later, it was D-day, we were moving in together, with a bang.

Today

"Are we sure this is the right time?" Mercy asked taking more steps towards the front door, knowing their parents were inside.

"There's no better" Sam's hand touched the door as the music started, he recognised it straight away, it was the first song he'd sold, it was about them, their journey and it had gone all the way to the top, the words echoed out at them, telling their truth.

"Sweetheart" Mercy's mom walked towards them followed by Sam's mom

"We're so proud of you" her mom hugged her whispering in her ear "Both of you" she looked at Sam

"I'm not ready" Mercy clung to him fretful

"We're ready, we have to be" they walked over to the drinks and took one each

"Let's dance" she pulled him into the middle of the room

"Mercy we can't avoid this" he went with her anyway, he pulling her to him singing their words

Everybody knows that the struggle is real, but they don't know the pain you feel, oh the pain you feel yeah
And everybody say that you make it look easy, but when the road gets rough let me take the wheel, yeah

"What do you say babe?" he smiled at her rolling her eyes knowing she was going to join in

Mercy: So, we keep on keeping on, keep on keeping on, Sam & Mercy: yeah, we keep on keeping on keep on keeping on
So we keep on keeping on keep on keeping on, yeah, we keep on keeping on keep on keeping on.

"Okay" she smiled "At the end of this song"

So, if your heart is empty, let me give you love, if your legs won't hold you, let me pick you up
If your hands are shaking, and you're barely holding onto your dreams,

When you're feeling low, let me give you love...'Give You Love' by Jessica Mauboy & Jason Derulo

"Can we have your attention everyone" Sam tapped his glass "We have an announcement" he looked at Mercy smiling at their mothers clasping hands as if they knew "Mercy and I are..."

"Yes" his mom screamed before they could get it out

"I asked Mercy to marry me last night and she said yes" he laughed at their parent's reaction "It's been a difficult road, but hell the view at the top is well worth it" he got out before they gathered around them, everyone happy