I knew that this wasn't what anyone was going to expect, but we had to work with what we had.

I had gotten some in-ears made for me in Poland, and now I was getting an opportunity to use them. I walked onto the stage with a smile, and there was excitement among the fans.

"How are you all doing tonight?" I asked a I came to the front of the stage. I smiled at them as they all voiced their excitement again.

"So I know that you've all been waiting for the pre-show to come out. However. When we were all in Russia I got hit with a really nasty flu, which I ended up giving to both of Dimitri's managers, his label handler…and now it's made it's way to the preshow band," I said with a chuckle, "So, you guys are going to be stuck with me for the next half hour."

I picked up my in-ears that were hanging around my neck and slipped them in.

"We all know Gerdi," I said gesturing to Dimitri's lead guitar player, "And she's gonna help me out tonight. I have a piece that Dimitri teased a little before the album drop. We had written his together, and sadly it never made it onto the album. Dimitri had said that the song deserved a woman's choice, so that's exactly what's going to happen tonight," I said, winking at Gerdi and then turning to give our drummer, Andrew the cue.

I may have looked calm and collected, but I was trying to puke from my nerves. So I put my nervous energy into dancing to the beat. I mostly did covers of Dimitri's older music while he finished getting ready. Near the end Gerdi came down from her spot and sat on a stool next to me. It was just something that I had played around with Dimitri a few times, mostly as a warm-up for the style of picking he was working on.

The fans seemed to love it, and by the time I finished the preshow, my hands were shaking from the anxiety. Dimitri was waiting for me on the wings for me.

"How was that?" I asked as I pulled my in-ears out.

"You did fantastic," he said as he kissed my head, "I'm very proud."

Spain was stunning. I had seen photos, but I couldn't get over just how breathtaking it was. The show last night was crazy, and I even had a bit of a sore throat from performing. Today was a calmer day despite there being another show tonight, but Maria and I were taking advantage of the day.

We were walking around Gibraltar, enjoying the coast and the local shops. When we were walking near the cliffs, I stopped and cocked my head. There was a man standing a few feet away, also looking at me with a cocked head.

After a moment, I felt a grin grow on my face as it did on his, and he came towards me in a jog.

"Hathaway!" Eddie called out, colliding with me in a hug. I laughed and grunted when he hugged me tight, pulling back with a smile.

"What are the chances!" he exclaimed.

"I thought you were in Portugal!" I said with a smile, hugging him again. I hadn't seen him in a little over a year.

"I missed my flight, taking the next one in a few days," he said with a shake of his head, his eyes sliding to my side, "Who's this?"

I looked at Maria and smiled. "This is Maria. Maria, this is Eddie," I said with a grin. The two exchanged pleasantries before Eddie all but dragged us down the strip, promising us that he had found a hole in the wall that had the best food.

I had learned over the years that I should never disagree with that ineptitude for finding places like that.

The drama surrounding Eddie was nauseating. It looked bad on me; it looked bad on Dimitri. It looked bad on everyone and I hated it. I hated that something so simple as hugging one of my best friends resulted in scandal columns and backhanded comments.

All I did was hug my best friend in public and have lunch with him and Maria. That's all it took.

Eddie felt guilty but I told him not to. It wasn't his fault. He was excited to see me and acted like any other friend would have. But to everyone else, it was chaos.

I wasn't sure if Dimitri was pissed off with me or the situation, but it made things tense. It felt like he was taking his frustrations out on me, and we had been bickering and snarking at each other all week. I hated to admit that I was counting down the minutes until we were stateside again. All we had really done since we left Russia was bicker, but maybe that was because we were together all the time. I wanted to enjoy Spain, but I wasn't doing much enjoying of it lately.

I laid on my stomach on the sun chair and watched the water move through my sunglasses, my hands folded under my chin. I was hiding. Well, not exactly; Rufus wasn't far off under an umbrella, but I was hiding.

"Can I join you? Or will that cause more scandal?"

I shrugged. "I don't think there is much more you could do," I said with a sigh, looking up at Eddie. He extended a glass to me and sat on the chair beside me, facing me as he took a sip of his drink. I sat up and faced him, digging my toes into the sand. I perched my glasses on my head and sniffed my drink, taking a long drink of it.

"You okay?"

I shrugged. "Yeah, I guess. Just tried. I feel all out of sorts lately," I said as I played with my straw, "Kind of like I did after the accident."

"You mean like your emotions are all over the place? Or just not yourself?"

"Both," I said looking up at him with a sniff, "I feel like I can't regulate anything. I don't know, maybe my anxiety is just getting bad again."

Eddie frowned. "You went off the anti-anxieties in college, didn't you?"

I nodded. "Yeah, but I mean with all the stress and stuff, I think it's time I went back on them. I didn't like them, but they worked. Plus, with the messed up dreams, I feel like I'm at my wit's end."

"Dreams? Like the nightmares you used to get?" he asked as he took a long sip of his drink, his blonde brows furrowed together.

"Sort of. I have dreams about the accident. Like, seeing the car coming towards us, and me laying on the road listening to Lissa screaming. Or Andre kneeling down in front of me on the ground and cutting his hand on the glass. Sometimes when I dream, I can feel the pain I felt. Like the blood running down my face or not being able to feel my legs. But I also have dreams about Janine. They're all just so messed up," I explained as I sniffed again, looking up and blinking a few times to keep the tears from rolling down my cheeks.

"I've spent so much time in the last year trying to be a rock for other people and do my job, and I think I forgot to take care of myself," I said quietly, "I should have taken you up on your offer to travel Europe."

"Job? Like what Mia told me about?"

I looked up at him and frowned. "What do you mean?"

"About Tasha giving you the job with the team? Like helping with the management and such?"

I nodded and he reached across the gap and gripped my hand.

"Anything I can do to help?" he asked.

I shook my head. "You're doing it," I said and took a long drink of my drink. The drink tasted strongly of lemon and pears, but I didn't mind it. Eddie sighed and leaned back comfortably on his chair, adjusting his hat and crossing his ankles.

"You know I saw you guys in Italy?"

"Did you?"

"Yeah, it was an amazing show," Eddie said, "I liked hearing you sing."

I rolled my eyes again and noticed someone taking my photo, but I shook my head and looked at Eddie again.

"Tell me about your travels. I want to hear everything. Give me a distraction."

I knew that I had gotten too much sun, but it was nice not to be someone's 'girlfriend' for a few hours. For a little while, I forgot all the stress. Eddie and I had a deep and honest conversation about my mental health. While my friends were always sympathetic to my trauma, Eddie took more time to understand it. Maybe it was because he was there when I woke up in the hospital, or because his mother was a doctor and taught Eddie from an early age that mental health is just as important as physical health.

I couldn't bottle everything up anymore. I needed to be blunt and honest about my feelings, regardless of the fallout or reactions. I had bottled up my feelings towards Janine and never dealt with them properly, and I couldn't make the same mistakes again.

I could hear Rufus walking a few paces behind me while I swayed slightly. the place we were staying at was gorgeous and still private for a resort-like hotel. I let my hand run along the stone wall, stopping at our suite with a small sigh. I dug around in my bag for my key, but I couldn't manage to find it. I sighed and tipped my head back with a quiet groan, but Rufus stepped forward and stuck his hand into the side pocket, pulling my key card out between two fingers.

"Thanks," I said quietly as I slid the key into the slot.

"Of course. Did you enjoy yourself today?" he asked. I turned and looked at him. His face was genuine, and I nodded with a small smile.

"Yeah. It was nice to be myself for a few hours. Take the rest of the night, Rufus. I don't plan on leaving," I said softly, slipping into the suite. The sun had just set, leaving the horizon an orange and purple colour. I dropped my things on the floor as I walked, wiping my hand over my face as I walked into the living room.

"Fun day?"

I jumped and spun, gasping and clutching my chest.

"Christ!" I breathed.

Dimitri's lips quirked up at the sides. "Sorry. I thought you saw me when you came in," he said from the chair, his guitar settled across his lap. I shook my head and yawned.

"Yeah. Probably a little sunburnt."

"A bit more than a little," he said gesturing to his nose. I ran my fingers over my nose and felt the heat rising from my skin. I shrugged and stumbled towards my room, grabbing my bag as I went. I was in desperate need of a bath.

"How was Eddie?" Dimitri asked and I sighed.

"How did you know I was with Eddie?" I called out as I dumped my bag out on my bed. I heard Dimitri walk towards the room.

"Aside from the paparazzi taking dozens of pictures, he came by and I told him you were down at the beach," Dimitri said. I nodded and turned to look at him.

"Eddie was fine. It was nice to not be the great pretender for a few hours," I said and rummaged through my things before moving to my suitcase, looking for the bottle of aloe I knew I packed.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked. I pulled the aloe out and grabbed some clothes to change into. I took my slip off and tossed it on to my bag.

"You know, for someone who is so perceptive about things, you're really blind," I said with a shake of my head. Apparently what I had drank loosened my tongue.

Dimitri's head shook slightly as he gaped at me.

"You know that I'm in love with you right? Not just a fake, contract 'I love you', but stupidly, pathetically, head over heels in love with you. I am the girl who knew that I was hired to fake it, and instead, you made me fall in love with you! With the way you drink your coffee like an old man, and how you like to dip your hot wings in honey, and how your left arm twitches in your sleep. I'm the girl who fell in love with a singer knowing fair well that it would never go anywhere, and yet, I did it anyway. And I hate that I love you, because loving you makes everything that I went through easier to cope with. Because you made me feel safe enough to finally face some of it and deal with my trauma instead of stuffing it down. So yes, I am the great pretender," I said before brushing past him to go into the bathroom.

Once the door was closed, I rested my head back against the door with a sobbed sigh. I hadn't meant for all of that to come out, but it was like the words vomited from my lips. I let the water wash over me, leaning against the cold wall while I drowned in my own mortification. I couldn't take back anything that I said, and I wasn't sure how to go forward from her. He had said in the past that he didn't want a relationship, and yet, we were dancing around one without naming it.

When I emerged from the bathroom, I could hear the quiet strums of a guitar, and I shifted on my feet. Did I retreat to my room or did I go out to the living room? My stomach made the decision for me and I walked quietly out to the main room, opening the cabinet and taking out a few granola bars. Dimitri was lounged out on the couch, strumming the strings gently, but I could see from here that he was miles away.

When he realized he wasn't alone, he looked towards me, glancing over me before furrowing his brow. I wasn't sure what he was going to say, and I could see that he was trying to find words to say.

"Make sure you put aloe on before you go to sleep. You're very burnt," he whispered quietly, standing up and setting his guitar against the couch. He grabbed a bottle of water from the counter beside me and met my eyes before nodding and kissing the top of my head.

"Good night," he whispered as he walked down the hall, leaving me confused with the granola bar hanging out of my mouth.

Call me.

I blinked groggily at my phone before hitting the call icon, rolling onto my back with a groan.

"Hello?"

"What?" I moaned, my arm thrown over my eyes. I wasn't hungover, but a whole day in the sun mixed with booze was not a good combination. Neither was crying yourself to sleep.

"Are you okay?" Andrew asked. I sighed and licked my lips.

"No. But I will be," I said as I sat up, resting my elbow on my thigh. "Why?"

"Just some of the pictures that I saw online…I just wanted to make sure you were okay," Andrew said.

I groaned to myself. "Are they bad?"

"No. You can just tell that you're upset. And Eddie messaged me and said that you were going through some things and to be prepared when you came back that you might need me. I figured it was better I asked than Mom," he explained, "Is it Dimitri? Or just stress in general."

I shifted on the bed. "Both. I think I'm a little homesick too. I miss you and Mom, my bed. I even miss that fat bastard," I said, and Andrew laughed.

"Oh, I'm sure Mom's cat misses hissing at you," he chuckled. I chuckled and rolled onto my side, tucking my arm under my pillow.

"Are you enjoying your sabbatical?"

"Oh yeah, it's been great. I think Mom has had me fix up a dozen things around the house since I've been home," he chuckled, "But it's nice to be back."

I nodded and groaned when there was a timid knock on the door.

"Yeah?"

"It's me," Abe said through the door. I rubbed my head and sighed.

"Can I call you back?"

"Of course. I'll talk to you later. Love you," Andrew said.

I smiled. "I love you too."

I hung up and got out of bed, opening the door and walking down the hall. Abe was standing on the small terrace off the living room area and I followed him out.

"I thought you weren't joining us again until we got back to the States," I said with a yawn.

"I was, but I found this and thought you might want it," Abe said, extending a shoe box to me. I took it with a furrowed brow.

"What is it?"

"It was your mother's. Some things about her past and her family. I don't know if you ever met your grandparents, but they're still alive."

I looked up at him and blinked a few times.

"They are?"

He nodded. "Yes. Your aunt lives in the States too. Nieve," he said. I opened the box and riffled through some of it. There were photos, and little mementos. There were a few photos of the two of them, but there was a photo of Janine when she was young.

"I look just like her," I whispered.

"You do. But you look like my mother too," Abe said, "I wasn't sure if you'd want to keep this, but I thought I'd give you the option."

I nodded and closed the box, extending it to him but keeping the picture.

"Thank you," I said quietly. Abe nodded and told me that he would send me their phone numbers, but I knew there was another reason he was here.

"What is it?" I asked.

"The label is looking to allow Dimitri to start doing more collaborative work, but they are hoping that it will be with you. Or at least be co-written by you. They really like your work, but understand that you don't plan on signing with the label."

I sighed and rubbed my head. "Seriously."

"I said that I would bring it up to you first. It's a lot to take on, and a lot of other moving parts. I said that if that were the case, it would be a while before it happened because the tour hasn't started in the States yet."

I leaned against the stone wall and crossed my arms over my chest.

"I don't think I can handle that," I said after a moment, my voice creaking, "I feel like I'm going crazy. I think that when we get stateside I'm going to step back a little bit. I need to destress and get back to some kind of routine. The constant go, go, go, and no downtime and no privacy. I feel like a bug under a microscope."

Abe tsked quietly and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into a hug. I let out a shuttered breath and rested my head against his shoulder.

"I'm exhausted," I whispered and Abe rubbed my shoulder, shushing me gently.

"It's a lot," he said sympathetically. I sniffed and lifted my head.

"I hate that I feel like this. It's not rational emotions, but I feel so strung out all the time."

"You're burnt out," he said gently.

"I can't even remember the last I worked out. Or write for the fun of it. Don't get me wrong, this has been the experience of a life time, but it was a lot to take on for the first tour. And I don't even know where I stand with Dimitri," I moaned and rubbed my hand over my face before I realized I just put my foot in my mouth.

My eyes moved to Abe's and I expected him to be confused, but he wasn't.

"You don't seem surprised," I said.

"I've seen your contract, kiz," he said with a shrug, "And I think the biggest stressor is the fact that you care about Dimitri. Any relationship, romantic or not, can go through strain. And there has been a lot of stress and conflict lately. It's normal for you to be upset and mixed up. How does a day with your old man sound? There are a few places I know that might cheer you up."

I smiled tightly and rested my head back on his shoulder.

"I'd like that," I said quietly.

When I got back to the suite, I was surprised to find someone other than Dimitri in it.

"Hey," I said as I sat down on the couch next to Tasha. She looked up from her phone and smiled at me.

"Hey, I was hoping you'd be back soon," she said as she set her phone down, "I wanted to talk to you about something."

I propped my legs up on the coffee table. "What's up?"

"I wanted to check in on you. With the crap with Eddie and the photos, and the way you and Dimitri have been. I just wanted to make sure you're doing okay."

I shrugged. "I'm okay," I said quietly. Tasha frowned and rubbed my shoulder.

"You know you can talk to me about anything, right? Like you used to? Even though I'm Dimitri's manager, I was your friend first."

I sighed and leaned against her, resting my head against her shoulder. She shifted and wrapped her arm around my shoulders.

"Talk to me," she whispered as she rubbed my shoulders.

"It's just been a lot."

She nodded in understanding. "The first time is always a lot. And this is a big tour. If this was just a tour of the US, it would be easier, but this is a lot. I think that it's important that you talk to me, or Maria, just don't let this get inside your head."

I nodded and sighed. "I feel like I did after the accident."

Tasha was quiet for a moment before humming quietly.

"I could see that. It's a lot of change. You thrive on stable and schedule, even if what you were doing before wasn't exactly organized. This is a lot of last-minute plans and new places and new people. I would be surprised if you weren't feeling overwhelmed. Have you enjoyed some of it though?"

I sat up straight. "Aside from getting the flu as many times as I did, yeah," I said, "I really had fun in France, seeing Dimitri's hometown, and Greece. I just feel like I've fighting with Dimitri a lot."

Tasha chuckled. "I think that you're just past the stage of needing to be on your best behaviour. I've seen more of the real you on this trip than I have in a long time. I told you that you two would be good for each other. You feel comfortable enough with him to fight with him," she said with a smirk.

"You don't think that we fight too much?"

"I think that you two fight like an old married couple," she said plainly with a grin, "But, I think that you two are better for each other than you realize. Plus, he and I have gotten into a few fights along the way. And Ivan. It happens, that's tour life."

I smiled at her and nodded, running my hand through my hair.

"Is it bad that I can't wait to be home?"

"Oh, God no. I have been counting down the days until we get home. I miss my bed. And my cat," she said with a chuckle, "And being able to just lounge around in my clothes and do nothing."

I sighed and nodded in agreeance. I was looking forward to having nothing to do for a while.

Happy Labour Day Weekend!