Addison vividly recalled the feeling she had the night Derek left their home in Manhattan.
She felt shattered.
She felt as though every cell in her body screamed in pain.
She felt like she would never be happy again in her life...in fact, she felt as though her entire life had ended right there. What more could there be after seeing your greatest love, the man you planned to grow old with, walk away forever because of you?
Derek had just gone through the front door. The door of the house they had dreamed of for so long. The door to their home. Their safe place in the world. The place where they had experienced so many moments and emotions. The place that welcomed them on their first day as husband and wife. The place where they celebrated eleven birthdays, eleven Easters, and some of the eleven Christmases they had spent together. The place they had filled with dreams, hopes, hard work, and above all, love. That door through which they had planned to someday enter with a baby in their arms...
It was not planned for that home to be filled with sadness, pain, and desolation. It was not planned for either of them to leave the other alone there.
"I look at you and I feel nauseous" Derek's voice echoed in her head.
"We can survive this, we are...we are Addison and Derek" she told him.
"We are not Derek and Addison anymore."
She remembered it all. His look of disappointment, his trembling voice, his clothes thrown on the stairs, drenched by the rain, Derek's wedding ring cast aside next to the entrance mat. The thunder and lightning accompanied the scene. The coldness of that night...
She truly thought that had been the worst day of her life, but the moment she was living right now could compete for that title.
It didn't take long for her to figure out whose panties she was holding in her hand. She just had to connect all the dots from the previous night: Derek walking away, Meredith disappearing, Finn wandering alone in the hallway, Derek returning out of breath, Meredith avoiding her gaze, Derek appearing nervous, Derek insisting on leaving quickly.
It had been right in front of her the whole time and she hadn't suspected a thing.
How could she suspect when the previous night Derek had lied to her, looking her in the eyes and telling her she was the most beautiful person in that place?
She had tried to convince herself that it was just a crazy idea in her head, that the two of them couldn't possibly be sleeping together. She had asked them both and they had denied it. She felt like a paranoid and insecure fool. And in the end, she wasn't wrong...
She still felt nauseous looking at that piece of black fabric. It disgusted her. Not because of the object itself, but because of what it symbolized. Deceit, betrayal, lies. Especially that last one. How could Derek calmly lie to her yesterday after having this in his pocket? How could he sleep peacefully knowing he had evidence of his betrayal in the same room as his wife? Or had he left them there on purpose for her to see?
She felt a mixture of anger and sadness. Tears threatened to burst from her eyes, but she made an effort not to cry. Why cry? He didn't deserve it after all. Not after everything he had put her through.
She got up from the bed, took off Derek's tux, and put the panties in the washing machine. While she waited for the washing cycle to finish, she began packing all her belongings into boxes and suitcases. She couldn't bear to spend another second breathing in that place.
Now she understood the feeling of wanting to run away and never look back...
She took the panties out once they were dry, carefully folded them, put them in an airtight bag, and stowed them in her purse. She gathered all her things and patiently placed them one by one in the trunk of her car and the back seats. She took one more look to make sure she hadn't forgotten anything, and she left.
~•~
"Meredith, wait! Meredith!" Derek shouted as he chased her down one of the hallways. He needed to talk to her about what happened yesterday.
"Leave me alone! What happened last night shouldn't have happened. I have a boyfriend, and he trusts me. He's attentive and caring, a good person, and you... You're married! Stop chasing me."
"Meredith, please. Listen to me."
"I don't want to! I'm tired of listening to you. I'm tired of being cornered and not given an escape, I'm..."
"I'm going to leave her."
"What?"
"Addison. I don't want to lie to her anymore. I can't look her in the eyes again after what happened yesterday, but... I know what I want. I want to be with you. I don't regret it. I don't regret what happened last night."
"Derek, we're only hurting people. Neither she nor Finn deserve this. I feel dirty, like a bad person."
"I know, that's why I'm going to tell her. I want to start over with you, Mer. I'm going to talk to her this afternoon."
"I..."
"Meredith, please. I know what you're feeling, and I know what I feel. We can make it work. Don't deny it, don't avoid it, don't..."
"Excuse me, Dr. Shepherd, I don't believe this is the right time or place for what you're proposing to Dr. Grey" Cristina interrupted, getting in the middle. She had heard almost the entire conversation.
"I... alright, you're right, Yang. I'll call you later and we can talk about this..."
"Thank you, but she won't answer any calls today. She's on duty. Come on, Meredith."
Cristina didn't let her say a single word. Deep down, she was immensely grateful for being taken out of that situation.
~•~
Despite the shitty morning she had, Addison had gone to the hospital that day. She had received a call from Karev informing her that a group of four teenage girls had abandoned a newborn baby in the dumpster behind their school, and she had to find out as soon as possible which one of them was the mother to save the baby's life.
The whole situation seemed crazy to her. Girls becoming mothers, fathers denying everything and complicating the situation, the abandoned baby needing another platelet transfusion and abdominal surgery... How could it be that a completely helpless being had to pay the consequences of other irresponsible people's actions? How could it be that none of them cared about what was happening?
All they had to do was leave it in a safe place, like a hospital or a fire station. They threw it away as if it were just another garbage bag.
She stroked his fragile little fingers while thinking about how unfair and tough that must be for him. She hadn't stopped feeling nauseous and experiencing small twinges in her lower abdomen all day, and she couldn't help but think about her own baby.
Yes, she knew that it didn't even fit into the category of a fetus yet and couldn't feel physical pain... but could this situation be harming it? Could this distress caused by its parents be hurting it?
It was known that maternal stress and distress put the embryo's life at risk. The first trimester was very delicate because of that, and any external or internal factor could cause a miscarriage. The last thing she wanted right now was to think about a loss; she couldn't handle such grief at the moment.
"How can you have a baby and throw it in the dumpster?" Alex said, entering the NICU.
"I suppose... you have it and panic, you freeze, and... you want to hide it. And then you pretend it never happened. I understand..." she responded with a lost look. She wasn't talking about the baby specifically.
"Do you understand?"
"I do.. I just don't understand what happens next. I don't understand how you go back to class and pretend everything is fine... nothing is fine" she sighed.
After Shannon, the baby's mother, confessed, Addison and Alex took him to the operating room for the abdominal surgery.
"Poor little one," Addison said as she operated on him. "Once he's well, they will give him to his mother who will be in a juvenile detention center... and his grandparents have no idea about anything. They didn't even notice that their daughter was pregnant... I wonder how someone who sees her and lives with her every day doesn't realize she's pregnant..."
"I noticed" Alex said, looking her in the eyes.
"I'm sorry?"
"Uh, I... I noticed. Maybe a week or two ago, you don't need to spend whole days to notice..."
Addison felt the chills go down her spine at that moment. Alex wasn't talking about the girl. He was being subtle enough for only the two of them to understand what they were talking about.
She smiled shyly, meeting his gaze, and they continued the operation in silence.
~•~
"Hey, um... about what happened in the OR... hmm... thanks" Addison said as she washed her hands alongside Alex. The surgery had been successful.
"No problem" he replied, giving her his characteristic crooked smile.
"I... um... can I ask how you noticed?"
"Well, you force me to spend every day of my life in the vagina squad, surrounded by pregnant women and babies. I think certain patterns start to repeat themselves so I've already learned to detect in pregnant women."
"Oh, really? Like what?"
"Yes, like suddenly falling asleep all the time. I notice that every time I call you for a consult, you come freshly awakened. During the morning shifts, you go to the bathroom more often than usual between rounds. Or that you no longer carry a cup of coffee in your hands. Or those banana and ginger cereal bars you carry everywhere? You never used to eat that crap before."
"Hey, show some respect for my cereal bars... they alleviate the nausea" she laughed.
"Anyway, I think it's something that can be noticed just by sharing a few daily hours. I'm sorry it's not the same with some people."
"I... also regret that."
"But I'll keep your secret until you want to reveal it. Don't worry."
"Thank you, Karev. You... You should consider continuing in this specialty, you have a talent."
~•~
Derek had returned to the trailer early to wait for Addison to talk.
He wanted to take that time to think about the words he was going to say, and how he was going to communicate them, as he wanted it to be as delicate and non-traumatic as possible. Even though he already imagined how she was going to react.
He was surprised when he opened the door and everything seemed emptier than before. It was as if there was suddenly more space. Addison's boxes of clothes and shoes were no longer scattered everywhere, nor were her bags, creams, or cosmetics. Her toothbrush wasn't even in the bathroom.
There was nothing of her left in that place.
Where had she gone?
When did she have time to take everything?
Why didn't she say anything? What had happened?
Derek continued walking around the place and saw that the bed was perfectly made, and on top of it was the black tux he had worn to the dance. Suddenly, he felt a knot in his stomach as he remembered that in one of the pockets, in a quick and thoughtless act, he had kept Meredith's panties from last night.
He took it out to see if they were still there or if Addison had discovered them, but as he put his hand inside, instead of finding the piece of fabric he was looking for, he felt a hard tip. Probably plastic.
Even more confused, he took out that sharp object and blinked several times trying to understand if that was indeed what he thought or not.
But after a few seconds of staring at it, he realized that it was. It was a pregnancy test, and those two red lines present indicated that it was positive.