He opened his eyes in the darkness of his chamber with glee on his face. It was another beautiful day to be the ruler of the galaxy. It was only everyday that a day like this came along, but Frieza savored them all the same.
But this day would not be like the others, it had three special treats attached; a meeting with daddy and his insufferable brother, another with his favorite pet, and then he got to send all of his monkeys off on a mission. Good gloating, good company, and good television, what more could the most powerful being in all of existence ask for?
Deciding not to waste a single moment of this glorious day, Frieza put his hand to the ceiling of his sleep pod and turned on the dim light while keeping his sleeping nest's heat on. Some would say that sleeping on the floor in something that resembled half an egg was less than dignified, but those naysayers had long been eliminated by the Cold Family. Sure, was destroying entire planets just because their emissaries had made fun of their bedrooms overkill? Most definitely. But was it also highly satisfying? Exceptionally so.
After his eyes adjusted to the light he pressed another button to open his pod and took a large yawning stretch. It was time for the daily calisthenics, hands to the air, tips of fingers to tips of toes, turn the hips. He got a few satisfying pops out of his joints, but realized his purple dome was much harder than usual, meaning one thing, it was shedding day.
He put his hands on the base of his horns, felt around for the loose skin, and slowly peeled off the previous month's skin in one Frieza-sized chunk. He balled it into a wad and then made a small hop as he shot it into the wastebasket on the other side of the room and shouted, "Bobe!"
Only for it to miss. Not even shouting the name of a Quizzasphere player could help him.
Frieza stayed frozen in place for a few seconds, still in the pose of making his long range shot, slowly processing this inconvenience, and then let out a sigh. He would need some other way to start the day off on a good note now.
"Begin Broadcast," Frieza said. His room made a low beep and the bright white lights of his room turned to a dull green. "This is an order for the nearest Frieza soldier to report into my chamber, that is all. End Broadcast."
When he finished speaking, the lights in his room changed back to white, and a soldier came sprinting into Frieza's chambers.
The soldier had the head of a pterodactyl, the body of a humanoid, and an eager look on his face.
"How can I help you, Lord Frieza?" the soldier asked.
"Would you be a dear," Frieza pointed his finger at the ball of skin, "and put that rubbish in the bin?"
"It would be my honor, Lord Frieza!" The soldier picked up the wad, but just as he was about to drop it into the skin bin, he heard his lord let out a shout.
"Death Beam!"
The blast hit silently, but the gap between their power levels was so vast that the soldier was vaporized instantly, leaving only a pile of dust behind.
The shedded skin landed into the trash can.
"Rebound!" Frieza chirped.
His first task of the day completed, Frieza decided now would be a good time to get ready for his video call with his family.
While he would prefer the comfort of his chair, his father and brother always made him look unprofessional.
"You look like a grumpy baby in a stroller," Cooler would say.
"It makes you look tiny, you need to stand to command!" His daddy would say.
They didn't get it, it was exactly because he looked so "tiny" but was so obviously powerful that made it intimidating! If he could instill so much terror in his subjects and enemies while just sitting in a chair, how much he could strike into them while standing up!
The thought angered him so much he could feel his jaw tense as he went through his selection. of capes. Black, red, red and purple, purple and white, plain white, pink and white … He decided on plain white. A little flair of humble regality would be sure to knock the socks off of them, especially his brother.
Just because Cooler could spend every waking moment walking around in his next to final form he thought it made him so cool. He needed to learn a little bit of civility like him and his father. First and second form were fine, but anything above that? The man may as well be holding a bloodied sword with him everywhere he went.
But then again, it only made sense that he would try and overcompensate, his baby brother had left him in the dust.
He let out a snicker to himself just thinking about the disparity in success between the two of them as he clasped his cape on, and then clapped his hands together.
A large black screen descended from the ceiling. "Begin Cold Family call."
The screen now showed a picture of Frieza, perfectly in frame, splendid in his appearance … and Cooler, looking annoyed. He wasn't sure why he always stood so far away from the camera, only taking up a third of the frame, standing in his throne room. Not even in the center, he was off to the side!
"Greetings, brother," Cooler said as he walked to his throne.
"Do you need to hire a cinematographer or something?" Frieza said, "You're standing like … like …" The realization hit him, he had walked right into Cooler's trap.
"Look like what, baby brother?" Cooler's smirk grew with each word, "Exactly like the portrait of father entering to see his subjects? The Master and his men?"
He was a fool, how could he so carelessly have walked into such an obvious trap? He let out a huff, but at least only Cooler had seen his folly.
His older brother sat in his throne and as he did, their father appeared on the screen. The king was sitting in his own thrown in the exact same position and framing of his famous portrait.
So it was going to be one of those meetings.
"Sorry I'm late," King Cold said, "assigning generals to put down rebellions, setting trade agreements, you know how it is."
"Of course, father," Cooler said, "I actually just finished dispatching some rebels myself the other day, but my operative and I were able to make quick work of them."
"You and your operative," Frieza said cattily, "you always talk about them but you've never shown us any of them, why is that?"
"Oh here we go again, you get to have a whole zoo, and I'm not allowed my methods?" Cooler asked.
"Well my methods are out in the open!"
King Cold held up a hand, stopping the two of them in their tracks. They both were silent as their father said, "Are they? I've been hearing news that our buyers haven't exactly been happy with their purchases. Your percentages have been varying too much."
"With the completion of missions?" Frieza asked, "You'll be pleased to know I've been talking with my subordinates about that recently, making sure to instill tight discipline. We'll be excelling past previous records quite soon."
Frieza would love to relish in the tale, but found it pertinent to not mention his torturing of Vegeta to his daddy and brother at this moment. All of them could enjoy giving someone a good squirm, but when it was time for Cold Family business, it was time for business.
"Not quite." King Cold's eyes narrowed. "After your soldiers have left. The stories I've only heard whispers about. Have you heard of them?"
Frieza was taken aback. He'd expected his father to not know about this, at least not yet with his busy schedule. He'd done his best to stop those stories from coming out; snuffing out soldiers with loose lips, executing journalists. It was impossible to stop everyone from talking, but how could they have gotten all the way to the king?
"Yes daddy, I have," Frieza said, "It's …. A matter that is being looked into as we speak. I'll get to the bottom of it immediately."
King Cold always spoke to his children with a seemingly carefree attitude as they talked about the fate of the galaxy, and more importantly, their shareholders. "Perhaps you should leave some soldiers behind, to make sure that pirates and brigands aren't attacking these planets we've already wiped out all the defenses on. We want to protect our investors from another Age of Bojack, not inspire one."
"Of course father, I'll increase the number of soldiers I leave behind."
"Increase?"
"I've been leaving about one hundred behind per planet."
"And how many of the brigands do they kill? Why just yesterday Lord Devadend was asking why the population had been culled from his requested 30% down to 10%. Now he has to outsource laborers on the planet."
Frieza paused as he tried to find the best way to word it, but Cooler spoke first.
"Surely you must have something to report on the people invading your planets after those saiyans and soldiers of yours leave. Something to mark who they are and how we could best go about destroying them."
"No." The irritation was growing in Frieza's voice, why was he butting into this conversation? "They seem only interested in killing and leaving as quickly as they can, disabling the scouters before anyone can establish a visual."
A smirk shimmered onto Cooler's face, disappearing as quickly as it came. "Tragic."
"Oh, I have an idea!" King Cold said with growing excitement. "Your zoo, the little monkey zoo! If this group is attacking your planets after your main forces have left, just leave them behind to handle it. They're fairly strong, and not like losing them would be as bad as losing something like the Ginyu Force."
"Or a single loyal soldier," Cooler added.
"Fine." The word came out of Frieza much more bitterly than he meant it to, a single syllable spat as harshly as he could without exploding into rage. They may have been his family, but who were they to tell him what to do with his toys? "I'll leave the saiyans behind and the problem will be dealt with."
His family looked bemused by his burst of indignancy. Frieza knew he needed to transition, make it look like he was leading his anger into where he was going, not being led by it.
"In fact, once the pirates are caught, I'll tell the monkeys to make an example of it. Their corpses will be broadcast across the galaxy. I'm sure the chimps will disfigure it enough to make quite the loud message."
King Cold gave his son an approving nod and said, "Well, that was all I really had on my agenda for this week's call. Is there anything you two wish to bring up?"
"No, father," Cooler said.
"Not at all, thank you so dearly for your advice." Frieza's smile was cold and malignant, the same that had been passed down his family for generations.
King Cold left the call, and Frieza and Cooler shared a stare with one another before Cooler disconnected as well.
Frieza knew that Cooler was up to something, he may as well have just shouted it to them at the top of his lungs. Now all that was left to nip it in the bud. Some warfare, some corpses, some flow of finances, such was the nature of sibling rivalry.
He would make him pay though for making him look so foolish on the family phone call. Why, it would be another rebound.
Frieza chortled at his own joke, only to nearly jump out of his own skin in shock when the doors to his chamber whipped open.
"Yo, Frieza!" Kakarot said as he barged into the room, scouterless. "I'm here right on time, what do you need?"
Frieza could feel the muscle on his forehead twitch, but decided it was best to let all of those delightful thoughts he just had of annihilating Kakarot pass.
"Have I ever told you my favorite thing about you, Kakarot?" Frieza asked, not waiting a moment for a response, "The complete recklessness you take with your life. It's so endearing to watch somebody with complete abandonment towards their continued existence."
"Well, you know how it is," Kakarot said as he put his hands behind his head and strolled further into the room, kicking away the dust pile near the trash bin as he continued, "what's life if not for fun?"
Frieza bobbed his head along to the saiyan's wisdom. "You remember well."
"Well of course I do, you taught it to me." The nonchalance that Kakarot spoke with sometimes made it hard to remember that his father had tried to kill him. Hadn't come remotely close, but he had to give the fool points for trying.
"Well, I have a surprise for you today, for all your years of loyal service." Frieza walked over to a button on his wall and pressed it. A panel slid on the wall, revealing a display case bathed in a golden light. There was a Kakarot sized mannequin wearing armor.
Kakarot walked up next to Frieza, looked at the display case, blinked at it, and then turned to his emperor. "I don't think that robot's gonna be really strong to train against. It looks like it's made out of plastic…"
Frieza took a long, slow, deep breath. In through the nose, out through the mouth. "So, I'm not giving you a training robot. That would be silly. You literally go to planets and kill people. Why would I give you a robot to train against? You're training everyday. The killing people. That's the training. Do you think that Prince Vegeta would be beaten by a-"
He was letting his emotions get the better of him again, he took one more deep breath and continued. "I'm giving you this new armor we're testing out, It even has the Cold Family colors, Purple and white. I even remembered how much you hated the shoulder pads and told the armorer to keep them off or else I'd have his whole family executed."
"Aw, ya shouldn't have," Kakarot said, "his family is a bunch of weaklings."
"Well lucky for him then, he followed instructions." With the snap of his fingers the display case opened, and Frieza levitated the mannequin to Kakarot.
Without another word, Kakarot ripped off his black and brown armor, indicating his standing as a low class warrior, and donned his new armor on top of the black spandex covering everything but his head, hands, and feet.
With his purple and white armor on with matching boots and white gloves to finish the set, Kakarot was now marked as an official high ranking member of Frieza's army.
"Hey waitta second," Kakarot said, "I don't think I've ever seen anyone wearing armor like this before in my life. It some sorta new program the Colds are doing?"
Frieza stood on his tippy toes to put a hand on Kakarot's shoulder and looked him in his eyes. "For you, the Cold family would do anything."
"I still remember when we first found your pod," Frieza continued, making sure to squeeze all the kindness out of himself that he could into his speech, "you'd been abandoned by some fool. A delinquent who just wanted to throw their child to the winds, but we found you. One of the last surviving sons of planet Vegeta."
"Poor Broly," Kakarot said. The conversation had become so common that even Kakarot was memorizing the beats of it, but that didn't make Frieza enjoy it any less.
"Poor Broly indeed, a whole seven years old by the time we found him. His mind is still recovering to this day from the savagery of planet Wampa, but you? Well let's just say there's never been a saiyan quite like you before. Raised both by the Colds and Saiyans. You alone possess both the teaching and potential to one day overcome Vegeta and lead the saiyans to a new golden age with your own cluster of planets."
"Yeah!" Kakarot said excitedly at the mention of his rival, "In a Prekku!"
"In the who now?" Frieza asked.
Frieza saw the fear cloud over Kakarot's eyes. Everyday the saiyan seemed keen on proving to Frieza that you could take the Saiyan out of the jungles, but you couldn't take the jungle out of the saiyan.
"My boy," Frieza said, "what have I told you about talking monkey? It's most unbecoming of you."
Kakarot stood firmly in place, not backing away an inch as they could feel the hairs on their neck raise. "Apologies, Lord Frieza."
"It's the age 756, but yet you and your "friends" still insist on speaking in that dead tongue. Why?" Frieza kept his voice calm, knowing the threat was implicit. It was good to make Kakarot sweat every now and again. "'I am your friend, warrior.' Why did you say that to Nappa? What purpose could it possibly have had being said in that tongue?"
"If they're going to see me as a leader," Kakarot said, "They gotta think I'm one of them. They need to know that I can lead the saiyans as a saiyan."
Frieza tapped at his lips, a coy smile forming as he thought to himself. He had done such a good job at training this boy. His brother and daddy had doubts at first, but the plan to re-subjugate the saiyans was going splendidly. With any luck they may even find a female saiyan out there some day and have an entire warrior race who didn't see the Colds as their conquerors, but saviors from the brink of extinction. Sometimes his genius really did shock even him.
Of course, a complete revival of the race in his image would be a longshot, so for now he'd just settle for them making his brother look incompetent.
"Good answer," Frieza said, "you always have been such a good learner. You're dismissed, I believe it's time you got back to the rest of your motley crew and began your mission."
The saiyan gave him a salute by putting the flat of his hand to his forehead, but just as Kakarot was leaving, Frieza quickly stuck up a finger.
"Oh silly me, two things I forgot!" Frieza said. In an instant he vanished in front of Kakarot and whipped him across the cheek with his tail, sending the young saiyan spiraling across the room.
"Always need to make it look like you got reprimanded, no matter how much of a good little monkey you are," Frieza's each word sounded happier than the last as he skipped over to Kakarot who was slowly getting to his feet.
"The other thing, why didn't you cut the tree down? I know you went to that planet to get another round in on that troubling namekian, Jerem. But you could of at the very least done that."
Kakarot coughed and made sure to keep the blood in his mouth. He'd accidentally chomped down on his tongue when Frieza hit him, but bloodying up his floor was a lesson he'd learned not to do quite thoroughly. The blow had hit him right in the ears, making him so dizzy that he couldn't even get steady on his feet, so he spoke while looking up at Frieza on his hands and knees. "Jerem was missing by the time I got there, all I was able to find were his hands wrapped around some blown up bark. What tree are you talking about?"
Frieza sighed and had his screen descend from the ceiling again and show a broadcast of Frieza Planet 902, the clay planet the saiyans had spent the previous day on. Now though, calling it a planet of clay would be a bit of an overstatement, there was a much larger thing gaining attention. The tree that sprouted out of the planet that stretched into the atmosphere with roots and branches straddling the once destitute planet.
"My scientist will be analyzing the tree later today," Frieza said, "but please don't let such simple things like planet sized forestry slip your mind again, it's unbecoming of you. We can't have you growing soft like this is Thaw again."
Frieza cupped Kakarot's chin in his hand. Anger, joy, pride, hate, not even Frieza could tell what emotion he felt as he looked at his pet.
"Yes, Lord Frieza," Kakarot said as he stood up with Frieza helping to lift him up.
"Good, now move along. No need to keep the Ginyu Force and Saiyan Squadron waiting. I'm sure they'll be ecstatic with your new uniform."
Kakarot left the room. He stumbled at first, but with each step his stride became more balanced, and his walk more confident.