A Helluva Boss Story
Different Kinds of Fire 2.0
Chapter 3
Pilot
(Becky's POV)
"Alright now, I know business has been a bit slow lately, yes its no ones fault okay. I'm not naming any names here...Moxxie..." Blitzo said looking at Moxie who made a face back. "Now does anyone have any bright ideas on how we can get business dropping up again?!" Blitz asked everyone in the room.
Millie raised her hand as she stood on her chair. "What about a carwash?!" She said as her eyes sparkled.
"This is Hell Millie, no one cares about cars getting cleaned here okay?" Blitzo replied.
"How about a billboard?" I shrugged making a suggestion. "Billboards always draw in attention to people on the road."
"Unfortunately, we can't afford a billboard Becky." Moxxie said to me.
"Oh that's helpful Moxxie, so glad your in the room right now." Said Blitz sarcastically pushing Moxie away. "Have you all forgotten what kind of service we provide?" He turns on the TV to show himself, Millie, Moxxie, Loona and I killing a bunch of different stuff and people.
Blitzo started to eat some popcorn and offer it to the rest of us while watching the video play. Loona and I helped ourselves to a few handfuls.
"Ah those were really good times." Blitz said, happily munching on some popcorn.
"I don't need a reminder sir, considering you blew most of our salaries on an obnoxious TV ad last week. One that you additionally had paid to have run for three whole hours on a channel nobody watches!" Explained an annoyed Moxxie.
"Uh hey excuse me! What's obnoxious about a super fun jingle all right? Its a fun distraction when an advertisement's spitting bullshit!" Blitzo said walking around the room.
"People love musicals sir." Said Millie happily.
"Exactly Millie, and we're basically doing a musical!" Said Blitzo looking at Moxxie. "Are you gonna crush my theater dreams like my dad did?" Moxxie tried to speak but was cut off by Blitz speaking again. "Because right now, all I see is just my dad's asshole talking to me, crushing my dreams of being who I truly am inside." Blitz said.
"Are you trying to crush his dreams Moxxie?" Asked Millie.
"I...what?" Said a confused Moxxie.
"I thought I knew you." Millie teased.
"I can't believe you Moxie, and after I made you employee of the month!" Said Blitz holding a plaque of Moxxie that showed a not so great photo of him.
"Okay sir I'm sorry, a commercial jingle is not comparable to musical theater, nobody actually likes jingles!" Explained Moxxie.
"Um...I actually kind of like jingles." I said pointing that out.
"So do I!" Said Millie.
"Do not agree with him in front of me!" Said Moxxie looking at the two of us.
"Sorry, but it's the truth." I said, defending myself.
The screen on the TV kept playing. This time showing Blitz who began to speak.
"Hi there I'm Blitzo! The 'O' is silent and I am the founder of I.M.P! Are you a piece of shit who got yourself sent to Hell or are you an innocent soul who got fucked over by someone else?!" Said Blitz before the screen changed showing a red buffed demon guy wearing an Ohio shirt explaining to the news while Blitz held a sign up that read 'Some guy who hired us' on it.
"After lovingly killing my wife for fucking a deliveryman, you can imagine my surprise when I wound up here after the state of Ohio killed me. I really wish I could stick it to that yappy jogger who saw me hiding the body."
The screen changes again. This time showing Blitz again but with a large grimoire in hand while Millie, Moxie and I in the background arranging lite candles on the floor in a square.
"Well lucky for you, thanks to our company's access to the living world," He narrows his eyes doing a hand gesture with his left hand as a flaming portal appears on the floor. Millie, Moxxie, and I create the portal on the ground then move away. Blitzo begins walking up to the portal. "we can help you take care of your unfinished business by taking out anyone who screwed you over while you were alive!" He walks backwards into the portal.
The jingle began to play, a person stood with their arms crossed as a thought bubble appeared besides them. Depicting someone being crossed out with an 'X.'
When you want somebody gone
A dead body falls near the person as they notice and lookup.
And you don't want to wait too long
The four imps re shown in a circle logo, together they form an 'M' as the two letters 'I' and 'P' appear to the left and right of them.
Call the Immediate Murder Professionals
The imps are inside of their building, covering their ears as Moxxie throws a grenade out of the window setting off an explosion.
Hand grenade or cyanide
Blitz hangs someone with a rope as Millie writes a suicide note, and I look away in disgust.
We'll make it look like suicide
Each imp is then shown killing someone in a different way. Blitz uses electrocution, Millie uses a mace, Moxie uses strangulation, and I stab someone in the head with a knife.
The Immediate Murder Professionals
The logo spins quickly as Blitz creates a portal to the living world in a wall before jumping through it. He's followed by Millie and I and lastly Moxxie. Who trips over the grimoire causing him to fall into the portal.
We do our job so well because we come straight up from Hell
The four appear through the portal on the other side. All but Becky are frowning at where they are. Apparently they arrived in a church with a female preacher and the congregation's attention are turn towards the four.
We'll kill your husband or your wife
Millie finishes stabbing a couple who were in the middle of coitus while Moxxie and I look away as Blitz examines a pair of panties with interest.
We'll even let you keep the knife
Blitz stabs someone in the head, a goofy expression on his face. Different clips come up of each imp killing a target in a different way. Be it a medieval torture chamber, a shark, burning someone alive, suffocation with a pillow, a grand piano landing on someone, and the electric chair.
We're the Immediate Murder Profession-
Moxie accidentally shot a boy when he was suppose to shot the blonde woman net to the child. Shock appears on his face and it soon follows on the other three imps faces.
The scene cuts to the hospital where the imps are waiting on news of the boys condition. Blitz reads a magazine while Millie and I comfort a devastated Moxxie. The doctor comes out with a clipboard to tell the imps the news.
"How is he doctor? Will he be okay?" I asked, concerned for the child's well-being.
"He appears to be in stable condition, but he'll need surgery. Now what insurance provider do you freaks have?" The doctor asks.
"Um about that sir..." I began, but gets cut off by Blitz.
"The fuck is insurance?!"
Wasting no time the four plus the unconscious kid jump out the window screaming.
The I.M.P. logo shows up one last time.
Kids die for freeeeeee!
And the TV goes blank.
Everyone is back at the office sitting down in the meeting room. Millie and Moxxie are next to each other with myself sitting across from Moxie and Loona, who's on her phone sitting two seats away from her.
"I'd like to go on the record and say that incident was Loona's fault. Dispatch is suppose to give us the right info on the target. It's so simple." Moxxie pointed out.
"Oh sit on a dick." Loona said.
"You sit! Sit on...a-and the d-do your job!" Was all Moxxie could say back at her.
"Moxxie, don't blame Loona for our screwups!" Said Blitz hugging and nuzzling Loona who growled in response. "She didn't do anything wrong."
"Are you kidding me sir? She's awful!" Moxxie replied.
~Flashbacks~
Loona is seen sitting at her desk reading a magazine when the phone next to her rings making a barking sound. She picks it up and answers.
"Hello I.M.P."
"Loona I got stabbed! Call Mox-"
Loona hangs up on Millie to continue reading her magazine.
Loona is in Blitz's office and he's walking up to her with a present in hand.
"Happy Adoption Anniversary Loony! I got you a little somethin'." He said with a big smile on his face.
"Is it a cure for syphilis?"
"I...oh..."
"Then I don't want it!" She cries out snatching and slamming the gift on the ground. Releasing hundreds of spiders that covered her from head to toe. "Ugh!"
"I'm sorry, you love spiders!" Sid Blitz from outside the office window.
"God dammit."
Loona is watching a small television from her desk. The channel is showing Hell's princess, Charlie on the news singing and promoting her new hotel. When all of a sudden Moxxie comes up holding a flyer for 'Chub B Gone.' in his hands.
"Um e-excuse me, did you just fax me an ad for weight loss?"
"No."
"What why would anyone send me this?"
"Come on you know why."
Loona is rummaging through the fridge. "Whoever left the fucking avocado salad in the fridge," she ays while turning round with the container in hand to face Millie and Becky while shutting the fridge door with her foot. "I'm taking it because I have the worst hangover right now."
She rips off the lid, drinking a liquid form of salad.
"Why would you drink on a work night?" Millie asked.
She stops drinking to look at Millie.
"I'm hungover from this morning dumbass."
Moxxie opens the door to witness the scene.
"Isn't that my lunch?"
"You know what? I can't take this assault right now. I need to blow off some fucking steam!"
With that said Loona kicks the container at Moxxie who's sent flying backwards before Loona storms out.
"Well, that was unpredictable." I said.
Loona runs outside yelling as she kicks a baby stroller into the air before stomping away. Leaving said imp mother dumbfounded.
Loona is at her desk once again holding the phone in her hand as she calls to Blitz.
"Blitz that clingy rich asshole is on the phone! Says its urgent and wants to talk to you! Sounds a little DTF-y."
"Oh god it was one time!" Blitz went off throwing his cup of water to the ground near the water cooler while Moxxie and Becky stand by listening. "If I hadn't slept with that privilege asshole none of us would have access to the living world."
Moxxie looks confused and so did I "You what?" We said in union.
At a beautiful castle in the bed chambers of said rich asshole Blitz is referring to; A.K.A Stolas, Blitz is quietly sneaking out of the bedroom to the balcony with the grimoire in his hold while said sleepy owl prince is in bed dreaming.
"Got the book. Got the book. Got this fucking heavy book." Blitz whispered.
He snuck out on the balcony placing the book on the ledge before climbing up on top of it; unfortunately, he didn't count on the weight of gravity causing him to fall down on this chocolate cake that Stolas' wife and her friends were having. Cake splattered all over the trio with Blitz in the middle.
"Sorry I fucked your husband." He said.
"Blitz!" Loona shouted.
"I heard you already!" Blitz replied taking the phone call in his office.
"So, what can I do for you this time Stolas?" Blitz asked while playing with a bobble head of Moxxie on his desk.
"There's a political candidate causing trouble up on Earth for a few of my associates. He's trying to convince people that global warming exists." Said Stolas who sat upon a fancy couch in his bedroom.
"Doesn't it though?" Blitz asked.
"Well yes, but more people die if nothing is done about it. And it gets lonely here." Stolas replied.
"Okay well that makes sense." Said Blitz.
"You know what happens when I'm lonely Blitzy?" Said Stolas.
"Oh God fucking dammit." Blitz whispered to himself holding the phone away from his ear.
"When I'm lonely, I become hungry and when I become hungry want to *#$% on that red *#$% of yours! *#$% and lick all of your *#$% until you're screaming *#$%*#$% like a fucking baby!"
Blitz calming turns off his phone then proceeds with snapping it in half, smashing the phone into pieces which he blends up in a blender to liquify and give to Loona.
"Here eat this." Which she does without question.
"You know that bridge over the freeway?"
"Yeah."
"Shit off it!"
We return to the meeting room after a series of several flashbacks.
"Look the point is Loona's a valued member of our family, and you don't get rid of family." Blitz told us and I could see a small smile form on Loona's face when he said that.
"We aren't a family sir! You are the boss. We are the employees. You treat her like she's some troubled teenager. She's more like a meth addicted homeless woman you let man the phones." Moxxie explains while Loona slowly gives him the bird.
"Um that seemed a bit harsh Moxxie." I said trying not to upset him.
"Yeah! Without homeless people Ii wouldn't have half the joy and laughter I do in this life." Blitz said looking out the window where a homeless imp is shown holding a sign while some other imp woman walks off disgusted. Blitz waves before lowering the blinds.
"While we're on the subject of 'family,' could you stop finding me and Millie and Becky outside of work?" Asked Moxie.
"Come on sweetie its not that big a deal." Said Millie but I could see Moxxie's expression change for the worse.
"Excuse me, what?!"
'Oh boy...'
It all started one night in the kitchen when Moxxie was preparing dinner with me helping him.
"Honey, can you get me the butter?" He asked Millie.
"Sure sweetie." Said Millie opening the fridge only to be surprised to find Blitz in the fridge handing her the butter.
"Spoiler alert the butter's spoiled." He said making Millie giggle.
"Hmm?" I said, turning around.
"What's so funny honey?" Asked Moxxie turning around.
"Really impressive word play." Said Blitz.
"What the?! Why are you in our fridge?!" Asked Moxxie.
"How did you get in the fridge?" I asked.
Late in the evening as all three imps were sound asleep in their beds all but one is finding it easy to sleep. Moxxie tosses and turns in bed, slowly opening his eyes to come face-to-face with Blitz. Looking him right in the eyes with a goofy smile on his face.
"Whatcha dreamin' about?" Blitz asks.
"I was dreaming about my parents being murdered, and now, I'd like to go back to that."
Millie is playing a song for Millie and Becky is listening.
Moxxie: Of all the Imps in Hell~!
Moxxie and Millie: It's for her/him that I fell~!
Moxxie: Oh Millie~
The two were about to kiss when Moxxie noticed something from the corner of his eye.
"Are you fucking filming us right now?!"
~Now back at the meeting.~
"Just. Stop. Doing. That."
Blitz shrugs it off while talking. "I don't see what the issue is. Is there something you don't want me seeing?
"No..." Said Moxxie but looking at his face his twitching eye said something different.
You a baby-Weiner-haver?"
Loona snickered at that.
"sir, what you say and how you act is totally inappropriate!" Moxxie shouts out standing from his seat.
'Oh boy the heat is on now.'
"Calm down Mox, your gonna have another panic attack." Said Millie laying a hand on Moxxie's shoulder as she tried calming him down.
"I am calm!" Moxxie yelled, clearly upset right now.
"Shh, shh, there, there."
'Got to give Millie credit, she tries her best for the man she loves.'
"Look I don't judge the boring couple stuff you two do outside work hours." Blitz begins making sexual gestures with his hands."
"Oh I do judge you sir. Quite a lot actually." Said Moxxie.
"Mox he's our boss!" Millie argues.
"No, no, no its fine Mills, your husband is just...how do I say this without being offensive...?" Blitz thinks for a moment before responding. "Retarded."
"Does immaturely insulting me make you feel better about your sad, single life?" Moxxie argued to Blitz.
"It actually does." Blitz replied leaning in close to Moxxie.
"The only reason you have a wife is because your easy to manage." Said Loona actually looking up from her phone.
"No he's not you bitch!" Cries Millie slamming her hands against the table before flipping off Loona with two middle fingers and Loona replies by growling.
'Aw man please no killing each other.' I think to myself, putting my hands over my head. Pretending I'm not here, I sink in my chair.
"Do not, talk to my receptionist that way she's sensitive." Said Blitz defending Loona.
"Yes I am!" Loona growled.
"You guys are all fucking assholes." Came a new voice that belonged to the boy Moxxie accidentally shot. He was awake despite laying down on a table with wires on his stomach.
"Oh shut up kid, your lucky to witness this." Said Blitz.
"Ugh, this company is such a mess." Moxxie groans, pinching the bridges between his eyes.
"Alright, let's go back to talking about my outfit." Said Blitz changing the subject.
"Uh, nobody was talking about that nor did anyone bring it up." I point out.
"Which is why I'm trying to get that ball rolling. So how does it look? Its good right?" He said gesturing to his clothes.
The boy pointed at Blitz while talking and removing the wires from his body. "Its been a literal Hell having to pretend to be paralyzed so you fuckshits wouldn't kill me. But now I want that. I want death. You are a selfish greedy clown and I'm a kid. We're suppose to like clowns, even the creepy ones."
"Hey now that's not very-" Began Moxxie but the boy cut him off.
"If I wanted to hear from a spineless jackass I'd rip out your spin and ask you some shit."
"That's my husband your talking to!" Said Millie.
The boy laughed at that comment before talking again. "That's your husband? I figured you for a slut but I didn't know you needed dick that bad!"
"Whoa, hey kid that's uncalled for. You need t-" I tried to speak but the boy cut me off to.
"Don't even get me started with you. You just sit there listening to all this shit, and what do you do? Not a damn thing." The he points at Loona. "And you!"
"What, what about me?" She asked.
"Nothing. I don't talk to dogs. I'm a cat person." Said the boy crossing his arms, smirking.
Loona looked like she was going to pulverize the kid but she held it in and returned to her phone.
"Wow. You know kid you kind of are a piece of shit." Said Blitz.
Moxxie and Millie agreed. Even I had to agree with the others. Then Loona surprised us with some news.
"Oh fuck. Guys, I just got a text from our client. Guess he was the right target after all."
"Who?"
"Him."
"Me?"
"Yup."
"They wanted us to kill an actual child?" I asked Loona. Kind of taken aback by tht news.
"That's what they're saying." She said.
"Well Christ on a stick I guess there is a God!" Blitz draws out a pistol aiming and firing at the boy that kills him instantly.
Blitz and Moxxie kick the corpse while Millie stabs at it. I kicked and threw a couple punches in his stomach. All while Loona is recording everything on her phone.
"You know folks, with this company I really wanted to prove that we're capable of doing the same things anyone else can. Like killing people."
The boys are in a room dismembering the corpse while wearing hazmat suits. Then everyone puts the body parts into a garbage bag.
"So from us here at the Immediate Murder Professionals group we promise to settle your unfinished business or your money...is gone and you're never getting it back and you can write us a bad review," Blitz gives a group hug pulling in Millie, Moxxie, Becky and Loona, whose phone somehow flew out of her hand, "but we'll play dumb to it because its Hell and no one fucking cares. You know even though this kid was a target he's still a child. And its important that we handle this going forward respectfully." He wraps his tail around the four who all smile.
On Earth a newscast is playing showing a tearful mother holding a poor drawing of her son while pleading for held from the media. The male news reporter next to her looks bored holding the microphone for her.
"Please! If anyone has seen my little Eddie please contact us at-" And by cue said bag with the dead body falls into her arms. Causing the mother and the reporter and the camera to look up at a portal with the four imps looking down at them.
"Your welcome!" Cries Blitz waving.
"Um...sorry ma'am." I said giving an unpleasant smile. Disappearing into the portal before it closed.
DONE!
The Pilot episode has been completed!
Read,review and comment please~!