This episode was co-written by an anonymous guest co-writer, who magnanimously rejected any credit from me.
Thank you, illustrious anonymous guest writer!
Fate Grand Order is the creation and intellectual property of Nasu Kinoko and Type Moon.
Still Better than Black Keys.
Chapter Eighty Nine.
Archer.
Real Name: Ishtar.
Even her name is a trite thing! Nowadays it's best known for being the worst movie ever made by the mongrels of Hollywood! A fitting fate for such a charlatan false goddess!
Other Titles and Aliases: Inanna, the Mistress of Heaven, Goddess of Venus.
Inanna? More like Inane! Hah! Not in vain, the Golden King of Uruk was the first stand-up comedian in history!
And 'Mistress of Heaven'? Her father would differ! That pampered child never had an authority of her own! Meanwhile, I would reign supreme on my domain, without bowing my head to my elders!
Goddess of Venus! I only recognize Miss Aino as the sovereign of Venus!
Gender: Female.
Such a disgrace to the fair gender.
Alignment: Lawful Good.
Surely there has been an error somewhere! She cannot be in the same Alignment as I!
She once sent a zombie apocalypse on mankind for crying loud!
Shut up! Not the same thing as unleashing the blackened Grail! You had it coming, they did not!
Attribute: Sky.
Natural Enemy: Gilgamesh.
And proud of it! The best thing that can be told about her is that she had enemies of the finest quality!
Parameters:
Strength: B
Endurance: B
Agility: B
Mana: EX
Luck: A
Noble Phantasm: A++
Confound this wench! Some are born with undeserved gifts, truly!
Likes: Money, promiscuity.
Dislikes: Me.
Biography:
The daughter of Babylonian king of gods Anu. Her younger sister Ereshkigal was given control of the dark, wet, depressing underworld and she was given the bright, beautiful sky. What an unfair family! And they demanded for our worship!
Many were her loves, or rather her affairs. She pulled gods and mortals alike towards her bed, rolling across the sheets with them in dastardly debauchery. Branding herself a goddess of fertility, she excused herself to demand for virginal maidens to be devoted to her as prostitutes in her temples. It's not a wonder the Judeochristian religions would find her to be a despicable temptress! Their zeal would shatter her idols in the land of Israel and she couldn't do anything to stop her! Naturally! In due time she was forgotten as she had earned so richly, good riddance to bad rubbish.
When the brave golden king of Babylon told her 'Begone, thot', Inanna bristled and conspired against him. She ordered the dead rise and attack the metropolis of Uruk, yet her perfidious schemes were thwarted by Gilgamesh's bravery. Did you know that Gilgamesh was the first zombie hunter in history? You didn't? You are educated now, mongrel! Keep this in mind, a favor I did you! But Inanna's pettiness remained, and she conspired to send a very powerful homunculus, Enkidu, to battle the wise King.
Little she suspected her intended warrior would go on to befriend said King, and they would become the first Bromance in history! At least some good came from her machinations. Alas, she sent the Bull of Heaven towards us in retaliation, and when Enkidu killed it, she forced her father to ask for Enkidu's life in return. Woe that day. Is it any wonder my contempt for her would run deep? How would you feel if someone demanded for your brother's execution, over a wounded pride?
During the Human Order, Inanna pragmatically helped Chaldea and the wiser and older King to fight Tiamat and save history. All her bumbling aside I guess she did some good, but we would have prevailed without her! You and your soft heart, Caster Me! You and your soft heart!
Class Skills:
Magic Resistance: A
Not even magic wants to touch her! If you were a sorcerer, your spells would be soiled from contact with her!
Independent Action: A/B
Inanna is cold hearted and ever distant. Should she lose a devoted Master, she isn't going to mourn them for long. She will simply replace them and move on!
Divine Core of the Goddess: B
After a lot of careful thought, I have decided I won't stoop myself to Inanna's level by cracking hoarse humor about the name of this skill. She isn't worth that!
'A perfect goddess from birth'? Isn't this covered by Divinity? 'Repels all mental interference'. Inanna has no mind one can interfere with anyway! Ha ha ha ha ha! 'Prevents the body from growth and prevents the figure from changing no matter how much calories are absorbed'? We are Heroic Spirits! We can't grow or gain any weight no matter how long it passes or how much we eat! Why is there a separate need for this!? What is the point!?
Personal Skills:
Shining Great Crown: A
Only a paltry imitation of the Authority skill. When summoned by other false deities she thinks herself to be above them, and she can bend many to her will on the account of her bloodline. We know better! This woman has no authority over real men other than that we choose granting her.
Mana Burst (Gem): A+
What a greedy individual! Inanna is materialistic, no matter how much of an ascended being she claims to be. Her eyes wander after riches, but her treasure will not compare to that contained in the Gate of Babylon!
Influenced by the host body taken from a meddlesome girl from a Japanese lineage, she will augment her levels of magical energy with the support of dificult to find jewelry. Fortunately Kirei spent most of them! Ha ha ha ha, that priest could do good things every once in a while!
Inanna finds this skill difficult to use. Hardly a surprise considering her level of incompetence.
Manifestation of Beauty: B
To lesser eyes she may be a most pleasant sight, but the wise see the attractiveness of the soul. Inanna has none! Inside she is a shrewish harpy out to suckle the hapless. Flirty and prone to treachery, she uses her curve to seduce fools.
It looks like possession of a human body has reduced that willingness to bed anything that breathes from EX to B. In a way I feel sorry for that poor idiotic girl, and then I remember her father, and I know better.
True beauties like the King of Knights and Sajyou Ayaka are alike inside and outside.
Noble Phantasm:
An Gal Ta Kigal Se: A++/EX
Anti-Mountain.
Inanna summons a giant bow, so large that she can sit comfortably on it, and from it she shoots a big beam. So what? Big deal! Most Servants can do better! It may look impressive to commoners but it really isn't, I swear! You mongrels can do more damage with an atomic bomb, and all there is needed for that is pressing a button!
She once used this to destroy the Sacred Mountain Ebih, merely because she found it beneath her standards of beauty. What a self absorbed person!
It cannot compare to Excalibur.
Summon: "Yoohoo! You're looking as laid-back as ever! But I'm relieved. That's how you should be. Huh? You don't know me? You don't remember me?
...I see. Well, that's no surprise, I guess. I am Ishtar, Goddess of Beauty and Governor of Venus. Fear me and do your best to satisfy me with tribute and reverence!"
BURN HER NOW! BURN HER RIGHT NOW! BURN THE WITCH!
Start of Battle: "You've got guts to go up against me. I'll entertain you for a while."
If there is something I hate, it is the sound of a boastful creature braying. Faker? Why are you snickering? Be quiet!
"Ooh, here comes a rich-looking mark... Ahem, I mean, let us fight for peace!"
All those of you still longing for this woman! Repent!
Attack:
"Fire!"
"Stay still!"
"How about that?"
"Look at you struggling!"
"You're just a ball of energy, aren't you?"
"I'll crush you!"
Yawn. How generic.
Damage:
"Ngh..!"
Ah. At last, one line of dialogue that encapsulates and captures Inanna's wit and eloquence as they deserve.
Victory: "
"To the victor go the spoils... Thank you for the offerings!
She would steal from the dead. Why am I not surprised?
"It was inevitable. Never underestimate a goddess."
How much longer? We are almost finished here, aren't we?
Defeat: "Huh? Were bodies always this frail?"
"I'll get my revenge!"
Heh heh heh... Heh! Heh heh!
Defeat by Noble Phantasm: "You'll pay for that!"
Meuniere! Audio files of that! I have decided on my new ringtone!
Noble Phantasm Activation: "Fly, Maanna! Gate Open! Hehe, you should be honored! Behold my full strength! Annihilate them! An Gal Ta Ki Gal Se!"
Woman! You shouldn't even be using the word 'Gate' in your Noble Phantasm! Now I won't ever unhear that again!
Extra Dialogue:
"That goddess Astraea... You know, the goddess who has that smug look on her face that says 'power is justice' and pulls a belly-to-back suplex. I just can't put my finger on what it is about her... She's someone I either want to have at my back, or someone I want to face head-on." (When you have Ruler Astraea).
There is a saying that proclaims 'the enemy of my enemy is my friend'. With the wisdom granted to me by experience, I can certainly tell you witless fools that this is sheer tomfoolery. A goddess is a goddess and nothing good can hail from confraternization with any of them, even those who would oppose the ones you hold in the greatest contempt. I have spoken!
"G-Ganesha! Ganesha!? A Divine Spirit from India! Interesting!" (When you have Moon Cancer Ganesha).
The only interesting thing about that person is why she hasn't died from a heart attack yet! Hakuno! Wherever you are, you better be eating healthy and straying from her example!
"After losing all the money he has on hand through gambling, he returned back to his home to find his storehouse of treasures burning, and for the finishing blow, while he was still broke, his debt was being collected after the break period he had implored the collector for had just ended, and he died!" (When you have Archer Gilgamesh).
FU HA HA HA HA! Children! Behold! Should you keep the path of indulging baseless fantasies, you will end up like this, in a denial world of your own! Thank you, Inanna! For once you have done something good, by serving as an example of how not to lead one's life!
"So there are nameless Heroic Spirits too... Huh. Part of a system to clean up the world... That's very human, but this is a bit too cruel! I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind. He needs to learn that there are limits to acting tough!" (When you have Archer EMIYA).
He does have a name, fool! FAKER!
"Hmm... So she's called Parvati. She seems to be a Divine Spirit like me, but something seems off. I feel I could get along with her, but I'd be constantly on my guard. Is she really the goddess of love?" (When you have Lancer Parvati).
... I... I actually have to agree on the keeping the guard up part...
Rasputin, I may need some wine.
Birthday: "Your birthday? No way! Ugh... I know what a birthday is. It's a chance to raise my popularity rating. Can I get a present in time...? Sheesh, Master's hard to choose for..."
Hard to choose? You can give her literally nothing and she'll be happy! You only find it hard to choose because even getting up from the bed is an intellectual challenge for you!
Event: "Humans are...you know. Always celebrating... I wonder why they like to get together so much."
Very well, for starters, when they do that they are away from you.
Holy Grail: "Speaking of the Holy Grail, that reminds me of the Great Grail of Uruk. I'm not sure if it granted wishes, but it was pretty amazing itself. I'd like one someday, Master."
I think I still have it somewhere, but now that I heard that, I'm melting it and tossing it down the drain so she doesn't ever get her hands on it.
Well, that was almost fun! Maybe I'll do one on Cu Chulainn now. It's always fun to see that mutt fuming!
FU HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
To be Continued.