Change The Fate: The Fallen Angel Arise
By TheUndefeatable
Disclaimer: (noun) a denial or disavowal of legal claim:relinquishment of or formal refusal to accept an interest or estate.
Rate: Rated T just to be safe
Summary: There is always a light in the middle of darkness, you just must be brave enough to see it and to embrace it! Then, you will see that you don't need to take the burden all by yourself; you see that you are not alone. A sequel to 'Face The World Alone: Tale Of A Fallen Angel'
Warning: Mention of child abuse and attempted suicide, some violence and bloodshed in later chapters, but not any thing explicit! Don't like it, don't read it!
A/N: Sorry for the delay. You know how people get to relax in summer and take vacations? For me, it is the other way around! Summers are the most stressful time of the year for me and I just experienced the most stressful summer of all times! So I was not in a situation to even think about updating. Have fun reading and let me know what you think!
Chapter 15: Introspection
October soon turned into November. It went both fast and slow, from Severus' point of view. Everyday, Severus was getting stronger and stronger. Madam Pomfrey told him he was almost completely healed. Well, as much as possible, since apparently there was some permanent damage to some part of his body, like his immune system. Also, his growth was affected by his home life. But all things considered, it was better than Severus expected, especially because his magic has not been damaged. Something that Severus was really thankful for.
Another one, was the fact that he did not need help for taking care of his personal needs. It was a blessing that he never thought about, until he lost it. So when he started his therapy with Madam Pomfrey, he told her that it was the most important thing to take care of first. With her help, he managed to get stronger, so that he could walk the few steps to the bathroom. And as a result got his independence rather quickly – in Madam Pomfrey's opinion. By gaining his independence, he didn't need to rely on Dumbledore anymore which meant that he refused headmaster's help (or his presence) and thus the headmaster had less and less reasons to visit Severus. A fact that Severus greatly appreciated – and to his great shame, also lamented. Because Dumbledore was someone that Severus didn't like and more importantly didn't trust, but also he was the only kind touch that Severus got after spending four months with Tobias, yearning for human contact – for Tobias cannot be considered human. Even before that, the last time Severus ever got a parental caring touch was from his mother more than a year ago. So when Dumbledore hugged him, caressed his head, or patted his hand or shoulder, a part of Severus hated it, both because of his condition and because it was Dumbledore who was the one doing it. But at the same time, a small – treacherous – part of Severus like it and yearned for more, which made Severus hate the situation and himself more. It was pathetic, and yet, he could not help it. So, it was both a relief and a disappointment when it came to an end. And the best way to distract himself from the unpleasant thoughts and feelings, Severus decided, was to throw himself into his studies – or so he thought.
Dumbledore got him his sixth year books and what a novel experience that had been. Because for the first time in his life, Severus' books were brand new and the newest edition. For five years, he had to watch all his classmates reading their new books with all the pictures and extra explanations, while he had to struggle understanding some concepts with his outdated ones. It became clear to Severus the first year that burrowing books from his housemates was out of question. The only one who he could burrow was Lily. But the pitying looks and later her complaints about needing her books for study, put a stop to that.
He had spent years watching with envy how his classmates damaged their textbooks – and used them for everything except studying – without being aware how good they had it; without being aware that there was someone who wished he had their textbooks – textbooks they threw around carelessly – for just a few hours. So the first few hours of getting his hands on his new textbooks was a joyful experience. However, that joy soon evaporated, as Severus remembered the price of getting these new textbooks. All these….the room, the cloths, the books, Dumbledore's guardianship, it all happened because his mother was dead. And here he was, the ungrateful unworthy son that he is, being happy about it.
It had only been a few months since her death and Severus was enjoying his privileges, while it should have been her. She had to get the chance to enjoy her life; she who had suffered so much and partly because of Severus. It was true….Severus promised her to live for both of them, but he could not help feel he didn't deserve it. The feelings warred in him and not for the first time Severus felt how alone he was. For there was none that he could share his feelings with. It made him miss his mother even more. She was the only one who he could talk with freely. He needed to talk to her now. She would understand. But that was the problem….wasn't it? She was not here and she would never be. And Severus was ready to give every privilege and comfort he had right now to just have her back. Even if it meant being back in the basement of Spinner's End and having to deal with Tobias again. It all would be worth it. He would pay any price to have her back; would do anything so that the hole in his chest would go away.
The more he thought about it, the less motivated he was to do anything. For the next three days, he barely left the bed and talked with anyone – Pomfrey, Dumbledore, and McGonagall. What brought him out of his black mood was the fact that Dumbledore was visiting him frequently again, and was spending more time in his room. Severus might not have known why he should continue living or moving forward, but he did know that he did not want Dumbledore barging into his privacy. So he scraped his will and started to pretend he was fine, just to get the adults to leave him alone. And to occupy his mind, he actually threw himself into his studies. The less he had to think about his situation – any aspect of it – the better.
He – at his own insistence – started with the summer assignments. During the summer, he had only done his potion assignment – the only subject for which he didn't need his confiscated textbook – and Dumbledore and McGonagall brought it with them, together with the other hidden stuffs under the floor board. After handing in his summer assignments, he started with the sixth year material. Dumbledore had talked with professors and all of them agreed – to some degree – to help Severus catch up. The arrangement was for Severus to read the necessary part of the textbook before meeting with the professors. These meetings varied from full-fledged lectures (Transfiguration, Charms, and Arithmancy), Tutoring sessions (Herbology, Ancient Runes), Q/A sessions (Defense Against Dark Arts), to non-existent (Potions – as Slughorn claimed that Severus' knowledge and skill was advanced enough for him to not need Slughorn). The material covered where only the theoretical parts and the practicals were left out until Pomfrey declared Severus completely healed.
And after around two – three weeks of this, Severus was at a point that he could say confidently he was…..managing. There were bad days when the only reason he got out of bed was so that Tipsy wouldn't fetch Dumbledore. Those days, he usually spends most of the day in a daze. The first time it happened, the professor he was meeting – Limirate, the DADA professor, he was later told – left in anger after attempting and not succeeding to get him to focus. After that the other professors seemed to catch on really quickly and on those days left him alone. Dumbledore tried at first to get him to talk about those episodes, but soon he gave up and left him to his own devices. Then there were the good days when Severus was motivated. On those days, he sometimes felt like his mother was with him; like he could feel her presence, watching him and encouraging him to go on.
So yes, he was managing. He admitted – in a small corner of his mind – that it was hard and he was really struggling. With only himself for company most of the time, he felt…..isolated. And being indoors for about a month, he felt trapped. The most he could move now was between his bedroom and the living room. However, there was no other option. Just moving once or twice between the bedroom and living room was enough to make him feel exhausted. Anywhere farther and he would need help or to take rest, and he was both unwilling to ask Dumbledore for help and resented that he had to take a rest after passing long hallway or going up/down every flight of stairs. So he was trapped in the tower, only able to look at the view outside, and sometimes he felt he was going stir-crazy.
And after pushing away Lily, the only person who would have cared enough to visit him, who could he talk to? Dumbledore? No, there was no one that he could talk with about his feeling. So, he took to reading his mother's diary, which miraculously escaped the fire in his trunk, mostly unburnt. The diary was among some of his other books and assignments, all of which were completely Marauders-proofed. He read the diary and carried it with himself the way he had seen the muggle religious people did with their holy book. It gave him strength and comfort, and it made him feel closer to her. He thought if he carried a piece of her – her memories – with himself, then it was like she was with him.
Another – surprising – source of comfort for Severus showed up in form of one Minerva McGonagall. At first, when Dumbledore said she had volunteered, Severus thought it was out of pity. She felt sorry for him. But whether that was actually true or not, Severus could not discern from her behavior. Not only she went over each subject, giving a complete lecture, but also she let Severus burrow her newest edition of Transfiguration textbook for year one to five. She even helped Severus with topics from those years that she knew Severus struggled with. Moreover, after each meeting, they would have tea together in the living room. The first time she invited him to tea, they spent the whole time in silence, which was a little strange, but not uncomfortable. The second and third time followed the same pattern, but little by little they started to talk. One little comment about tea here, a comment about the biscuits there, and before Severus knew it, they reached a point where Severus and McGonagall spoke about a variety of topics from Dumbledore ridiculous choice of wardrobe, to McGonagall's teaching career and the hilarious nonsense students wrote on their exam papers, to an in-depth discussion about permanent transfiguration, to them having a – brief – discussion about hair styles – in which McGonagall told him his hair had grown longer than his usual style, so he should get a hair cut and also change his hair product. She even went so far as telling him, she could teach him some spells used for cutting hair and styling it. Severus stayed mostly silent during the last conversation, as he was too flabbergasted with the topic to contribute much.
What was great was that she didn't look at him with pity. She didn't treat him like glass. She was her usual brisk self and while she expected Severus to treat her respectfully, she didn't expect him to be a ray of sunshine. She let him be himself; let him set the pace. If one day he was having a bad day, she didn't push him – the way Dumbledore sometimes still did. Those days they had their tea in comfortable silence and then she would depart.
So…..yeah, here he was, one week into November, sitting behind his desk in his room, looking at the snowy ground outside, fingering his mother's diary abstract-mindedly and thinking about everything that happened in the last month, and also thinking about what future will bring. A lot of things happened, in the last month. He reached the rock bottom, loosing everything including his health and his privacy. But since then, he was getting them back one by one. True he got another chance with Lily and irrecoverably lost it, but there was nothing to be done about that. However, what concerned him more than the thoughts of the past, was the thought of what future brings.
He looked down again at the open envelope on his desk and sighed. The letter had arrived that morning. Dumbledore called it excellent news, but Severus didn't know what to think. The letter was the news of the hearing; the hearing regarding two cases pertaining him. As expected – from a case in which Dumbledore was involved or invested – both cases went as they wanted. So, that was not what concerned Severus. As a matter of fact, it made Severus feel some satisfaction. After all, they were going to force Tobias to return the money he got from his inheritance. If he could not pay it back – of which Severus was certain – then he would go to jail. Also, the ministry employee who arranged the money withdrawal and cancellation form was under investigation and would probably get fired.
No, what Severus was dreading was the second part of the letter which informed him that he was going to be confined to Hogwarts ground for the next six months and have his magic monitored for the next eight months. Both Dumbledore and Madam Bones insisted that it was a much lighter verdict than usual and it meant a great success, but to have his every movement and spell casting monitored was unthinkable to Severus. They were going to send a ministry employee in two days time to cast the necessary spells.
~~oOo~~
It has been around three week since Lily last saw Severus; since her world, in a sense, had turned upside down. She thought a lot during these weeks. She wanted to visit Severus again to talk to him. First, because he deserved an explanation about Lily's behavior. Second, because she had questions which needed answers. However, she wanted to go with a clear head and for that she needed to think, which is why she had not gone to visit Severus again. Lily didn't think she had done this much introspection her whole life put together. However, she came to understand a lot during these three weeks. All due to her discussions with the lady in the portrait – and no matter how many times she told Lily, she cannot call her by her name. Because who would have thought that exactly at the time that Lily needed a listening ear, she would come across the room of requirement – a surprising revelation by itself – which decided to provide her with the portrait of one of the founders of Hogwarts, as a listening ear! The Helga Hufflepuff herself! How can this be her life? Well, actually considering that she was a witch and was studying in a magical school, maybe this development was not that strange.
In any case, since that first day, Lily spent a few hours each day there. It was cozy and comfortable in a way that the library never was and it was quiet and peaceful in a way that Gryffindor tower never was. So it had the best of two of her favorite places in the castle and what is more she always could find the reference books she needed in the bookshelf in the corner of the room. Snacks and refreshments were always there. It was a haven for both relaxing and studying. And most importantly, the lady in the portrait was great no matter if it was suggesting references and giving advice for assignments, explaining a topic, or advice about other stuff. The lady – or as she asked to be called 'Helga' – helped her understand a lot. She still remembers how the lady responded when Lily asked whether it was her fault for not noticing Severus home situation, or it was his.
"Neither. It is not your fault, because you were – are – just a child. It is not your place to notice such things. It is not Severus' fault, either."
While it rankled to be called a child, the fact that she called Severus a child as well made it more tolerable. And in any case, it made her feel better to know that there was someone who believed it was not her fault. What the lady said next, was the start of a long discussion which gave Lily perspective on some matters.
"It is the adults' fault; his father, for hurting him; his mother, for not stopping it; the neighbors, for not noticing or saying anything; and most importantly the teachers, for not noticing or helping. It is also their fault for what happened and is happening here. Hogwarts was supposed to be about unity and equality; a safe haven for student to learn. And now look at it. It looks more like a war zone! And children are getting hurt!" The lady sighed and her smile dimmed a little.
"Well, Salazar Slytherin hated muggleborns, is it such a surprise that his house are following the same path? And what are the professors and the rest of the school are supposed to do? Just let them do whatever they want to do?" Lily argued heatedly.
The lady shook her head and with a indulgent smile said. "Salazar didn't hate muggleborns. If he did, he wouldn't have founded the school with us. He had other concerns. What is written in the history books is mostly something that was between Salazar and Godric. Just like what happened between you and Severus; a lot of misunderstanding, a lot of miscommunication, and hot tempers." For a moment she had a far away look on her face, like she was seeing the event she was talking about, but then she shook it away and said. "But that's a story for another time. The fact is that Salazar didn't hate muggleborns, and children are not sorted into his house because they hate muggleborns, or because they are evil. They are not even sorted because the traits they have. That is not what sorting hat does! Because people are ever changing, they can develop and loose trait during their lives. No, what the hat does, what we created it to do, was to sort based on the world view and way of thinking. Not because the world view does not change, but because we wanted children, who are going to live away from their homes and families, find friends easier. And also, because it could help them get acknowledged for the traits they have or help them develop the traits they find most important.
This means that someone sorted in Gryffindor need not necessarily be brave, but he values it above other traits, and being surrounded by brave people or people who value bravery can help that child try to be brave and eventually succeed. That is also why it is common for family members to be sorted into the same house generation after generation. Not because they share the same trait, but because they grow up with the same family values. And it doesn't mean that people from other houses do not have those traits. For example, it does not mean that a Slytherin cannot be brave. It just means he doesn't value it as much as other traits. Or that he doesn't believe the direct confrontation to be the best way of dealing with problems.
Those who are sorted into Slytherin value traits like cunning. It does not necessarily mean that they like to deceive people or even are good at it. It can be because a lot of those children believe – are made to believe – that they need to take care of everything by themselves, for there would be no one to help. So, they learn to rely only on themselves and try to solve their problem on their own; sometimes at any cost. It does not mean that none of them grow up to be bad people, but do you really think that in every generation of eleven years old children entering Hogwarts, a quarter of them enjoy hurting people and are planning to become murderers?"
It was something that Lily never thought about and it explained a lot about Severus' words about not saying anything to professors or his behavior regarding his housemates.
"What about dark arts? The Slytherin practice dark spells on other students!"
The lady smiled gently and said. "What you call dark arts is a part of a much bigger category of magic called the mage arts and it was called such because it is much more powerful than any other type of magic. It is said that Merlin was the one who created it. It also was Salazar and Rowena's specialty. We banned mage arts in Hogwarts not because it was evil, but because mastering it needs great will, commitment, and even bigger focus. Something that teenagers usually don't posses. Since the mage arts is very powerful, it is also very dangerous. Botching a simple spell or potion taught here does not have much repercussion, but botching the mage spells can lead to great harm both for the caster and for others, even bystanders."
"But what about the defense against the dark art course?" Lily asked confused.
"When we started. We only had one defense course and it covered a variety of topics. And it was not even limited to magic, since you cannot stop a sword, knife, or spear with a shield charm. Then because students' request and the amount of material, we decided to break it into several courses with each course focusing on one aspect of defense. During the years, some of the courses were discontinued for a variety of reasons and now only one defense against mage arts course has remained."
Lily exhaled and hided her face in her hands. There were several seconds of silence, before she raised her head. She had a distant look on her face. "Some of the worst fights between me and Severus was because he refused to stop studying dark arts – mage arts, whatever. I kept pushing him, telling him it was evil, but he said that was not true, that there were even dark healing spells."
"While I do not agree with children studying mage arts, especially unsupervised, what Severus told you is correct! After all, how can a light healing spell fix the damage that a powerful mage spell has caused? No, a mage spell often can only be countered by a mage spell."
"Then why everyone is saying dark arts is evil? If everyone knows this then things would be different!"
"Do you know why the name of mage arts has been changed to dark arts?" Lily shook her head in answer. "Fear…..Fear, my dear, can make people do unthinkable things; fear of what they don't understand; fear of what they cannot control. And some people feel threatened by those who are capable of what they cannot do. Do you know how many books and records were destroyed through the years, because someone was afraid that the knowledge could somehow harm them and their position? Do you know how many people were maimed or killed, because someone was afraid of what they could do? Or because someone was afraid to loose their position and standing?"
"What you say make sense, but it still stands that now Slytherins should be stopped. They are dark! They hate muggleborns and hurt them!"
"And you think what they are doing is wrong?"
"Of course it is! How can you say something like that! Even if being a muggleborn is a bad thing – which it isn't – then how any of us are at faults? It is not like we chose to be born that way! It is wrong to judge someone for something out of their control!"
"That is exactly my point! What you said is completely right, and yet, you judge a child for being sorted into Slytherin, something that is not exactly in their control."
Lily paused. She had never looked at things like that, but then the situation was different. Slytherins hate muggleborns because they exists, but for being sorted into Slytherin, they must have a certain viewpoint. It was not out of their control!
"You said they get sorted because the way they think and not because of personal traits! So it is something that is in their control!"
"Just like muggleborns don't choose their parents to be muggles or muggleborns, the children of blood-purist families don't choose their parents, as well. A lot of those children act like they do because that is all they know. That is all they believe to be right. Things change after they start Hogwarts. Some of them, their view change, but I am sad to say that only a few of them change their behavior. Because in those families, every resistance is dealt with and often harshly. The children often conform because they cannot risk alienate their families which are their only support."
"Are you saying that they would harm their children?"
"I thought that after seeing your friend's situation, you already understood that not all parents are supportive and kind. But those families don't need to harm their children. All they need to do is to just remove their support from them or disown them. All the other blood-purist families would turn their back on that child. Even those families who do not believe in such nonsense often would not step forth for the fear of bringing the wrath of powerful families upon themselves. And those people and families which supports muggleborns would not look at these children twice for the sole reason that they are Slytherins and thus are dark. What is a child to do in this situation? A lot of them learn to keep quiet about what they think and act like everyone expects from them. I am not saying all of them are like that, but I believe a lot of them are. And when you and everyone else say that Slytherins are dark, you are condemning a whole house because of the faults of a few."
"Do you think that is why Severus was doing that? You know, calling other muggleborns, mudbloods and all that? Because he learned to pretend he is like his housemates?"
"I don't know Severus, so I cannot say anything for sure. However, from what you told me, no one inside or outside his house would help or support him."
Lily opened her mouth to object, but a gentle meaningful look from the lady stopped her. "So while I cannot say anything for sure, I believe it is very likely, especially considering his situation."
It made sense and at the same time it was mind-blowing. She never thought about Slytherins like that. Well, she never thought about Slytherins. Period. Whenever the topic of Slytherins came up in discussions with her Gryffindor friends, they all agreed that Slytherins were evil, so there was nothing to think about. And she was ashamed to think that even after all those fights with Severus, she did not think about Slytherins as people and considered what they might be facing, Not. Even. Once. Well, she did not even think about what her best friend is going through. And what that said about her and the kind of person she was.