YPush
Category: Angst/Romance
Summary: SE07EP13 Inevitable AU. Instead of Harvey finding Donna's resignation on his desk, he runs into her as she's leaving and having a panic attack, and then Paula shows up.
AN: I really wanted to write something whumpy that had Paula/Donna/Harvey all in the same space. It doesn't quite fit a whump tag. But there's a great fic by CreativeSlump called Christmas Lift that ticks all the boxes.
This one is unbeta'd. But I'm still giving a shout out to Yvonne (Southsidesister and darvey_love) for teaching me so much! Any mistakes are mine and mine alone, haha.
Also, one last thing, there's this show called The Ark. I can't promise Gabriel Macht will be in it or dinosaurs… But if you like sci-fi, it's worth a watch! ;)
...
…
Hands shaking, Donna presses her back against the cold metal wall of the lift, clutching her purse and digging her nails into the leather pleats to try and ground herself.
She feels hot and dizzy, thoughts she can't catch to compartmentalize racing through her mind. Paula did deserve her apology, but baring her soul to the woman right off the back of Harvey's cowardice had been a mistake. She didn't appeal to Paula as a professional. All she achieved was embarrassing herself, accepting too late that if Harvey valued her, she wouldn't have needed to stand in front of Paula, groveling.
The rose-colored glasses are off, revealing the harsh and fuzzy lights of the firm's lobby as her heels clamber away from the career she just sacrificed everything for.
A hiccup of panic ruptures in her esophagus, and she feels sick, on the verge of crumpling in a heap, when her body is jarred to a halt by a hand locked around her elbow.
"Donna?"
Harvey's face is blurry, and his voice sounds distorted — as if his concern is trying to reach her underwater. Only, air punches painfully through her chest, and she knows she isn't drowning, but he's the only one that seems to be on solid ground. He has everything. Her signed resignation is on his desk. Paula will shrink and dote on him, and he'll finally have the stability he's always craved in an intimate relationship — if he would just fucking let her go.
The rage beneath her anger doesn't make it past her panic, because her lungs won't expand, and she has no control over her body. She's forced to let Harvey commandeer her steps, a hard surface taking the weight of her thighs as she balls a fist over the racing pressure in her chest.
Harvey drops down in front of the leather chaise, scuffing his knee on the floor of the lobby. "Breathe, okay? Just breathe." He tries to be calm and assertive, even though he's scared shitless. Donna doesn't lose control — not ever — but she's young and healthy, and Paula once told him the difference between a medical emergency and a panic attack was being able to reason a way out of the latter.
"I… can't."
"Yes, you can." He loosens his tie so he can move more freely. "Focus on me… On things that are happening. What can you feel, hear?"
The warmth of his fingers close around her tightly clenched hand and she nods. His touch is solid, and she can smell the hint of his cologne, hear the faint chatter or voices coming and going. The process is excruciatingly slow, but with every shallow and exhausting breath, she's better able to command her thoughts and reactions.
"That's it." Harvey encourages her, pushing away the damp strands of hair clinging to pale skin. He's a fucking asshole; and he knows it. He let her walk out of his office feeling like she was worthless. Expecting her to pull off a miracle, because he's selfish, not clueless. He knew she'd go to Paula to try and make things right, and whatever was said obviously hadn't changed anything, except now he felt worse, and riddled with guilt. "None of this is your fault, okay?"
She pushes his hand down, her anger finally making a shaky escape. "I handed in my notice."
"Donna." He shakes his head, the reality of what he tried to do landing like a rock in his stomach. It wasn't fair of him to dump all of his relationship problems on her, and he had no right going to Stu behind her back. "You can't leave. I don't want that."
"How about what I want?" She grips the underside of the chaise with both palms — a broken mess, and goddamn sick and tired of every decision in her life revolving around Harvey's needs.
"Harvey!"
Behind him, fast heels click across the lobby, and he swears under his breath, cursing Paula's timing.
"You see, Donna, this is why I can't accept your apology, and why you don't deserve my forgiveness." Paula lashes out, betrayed by her own foolishness. All afternoon she'd been questioning whether she was too harsh turning Donna away, but now she's able to vindicate her instincts with cold, hard facts. "What kind of person asks for respect from one woman to another, then manipulates the outcome to get a man literally begging on his knees?"
"Alright, that's enough!" Harvey snaps at his girlfriend, furious she would make baseless accusations about the situation. Swinging his gaze back to Donna, he finds her eyes are screwed shut, and she's lost what little color had returned to her cheeks, but she shocks him by gripping her purse and standing up.
Donna doesn't say anything, she can't. She's mortified and humiliated, and done. No career is worth the shame she feels, and she'd rather get home on her own or not at all than spend another second being objectified and judged.
Harvey gets to his feet, pulling himself free when Paula grabs his jacket. "Go up to my office! We can talk about this after, or not at all," he growls. "Your choice."
He doesn't want to end his relationship on an angry whim. He cares about Paula, but hoping she'll be reasonable is the least of his concern. He's not going to let Donna leave a second time today, thinking he doesn't care.
Breaking into a jog, he catches up to her, clasping her elbow before she can step into the revolving door. "Donna, wait… At least let me call Ray."
She forces air in, pushing out her hurt. "Haven't you done enough? I'm fine, Harvey. Just, go."
She disappears into the turning doors, and he slams his palm against the glass wall, angered to turn and find people casting curious looks his way. Paula was out of line throwing a tantrum in public, and it's no wonder Donna doesn't want anything to do with him.
Storming back through security, he sees no sign of his girlfriend, and he assumes she went up to his office. Heading in that direction, he fixes his tie in the lift. If Paula wants him to open up and talk about his feelings, she might not like what she's going to hear, so he readies his armor instead of stripping it off.
Facing the view of the city, Paula wipes her eyes when she sees Harvey's reflection push open the door. After he shouted at her, she came up to his office to compose herself, not expecting his valiant chase after Donna would end so quickly. Though she isn't shocked Donna continued playing the victim. "Let me guess. She sent you back up here."
"Donna left because you humiliated her for no goddamn reason." He marches across to his desk, searching for a letter he knows will be there. There was nothing fake or manipulative about Donna's vulnerability, and sure enough, he finds the envelope with his name written in her cursive handwriting. "She resigned, Paula. Which is exactly what you wanted!"
"I wanted you to make the decision, Harvey. To choose me over her!" She hates raising her voice, and feeling so insecure. But her distrust of Donna aside, tonight she witnessed her boyfriend stripped of his armor in front of another woman, and she doesn't even care why anymore. All she wants is to know if he'll ever be able to do the same with her. "Show me that I'm more important than that piece of paper in your hand."
His mouth hangs open as he stutters. He doesn't know what's inside the contents of the envelope, but whatever parting words Donna left him with, he doesn't want to read them or let her go. Losing her would be harder than facing the brutal reality he can't give Paula what she needs, and that's no one's fault except his own. "You are important to me, Paula."
His shoulders sag, his hand still gripping the letter, and Paula doubts he's even conscious of the significant gesture, but the fact he can't part with the envelope speaks louder than his words. "Except I'm the one competing, and that isn't fair."
"No it's not." The agreement scratches in his throat as she swipes more tears from her gaze. He never meant to hurt her, but apologizing won't change the outcome, so he leans on honestly instead. "You deserve to be with someone who can put you first."
She nods, covering her mouth briefly to regain her composure. There's one thing he would never be on purpose and that's vindictive. Therefore, it's a small comfort that he genuinely wants what's best for her. However, she isn't ready to show the same courtesy. "Goodbye, Harvey."
He watches her walk out with a heavy sadness weighing him down, but Donna's resignation is a harder burden to carry, which is how he knows he made the right decision, and why this time, he'll do anything to fix his mistake.
…
After multiple unanswered texts and calls, Harvey does the only thing he can think of. He shows up at Donna's apartment at 2am, rattling his fist against her door.
He hopes she's pissed off, and that's why she's been ignoring him — the fear that something else could be wrong tangled with his frustration. But then she answers, wearing pyjamas, her hair pulled back in a ponytail and glaring like a woman possessed.
He relaxes, and then winces when she moves to close the door. "Donna, stop. Hear me out. Please."
She swings her head from side to side. When she arrived home and finally managed to calm down, she convinced herself that leaving was the right decision. "I don't want your pity, Harvey."
"Good. That isn't why I'm here." He reaches into his pocket and takes out her resignation letter. "I'm asking you to reconsider, Donna. Stay at the firm, doing a job you love, and that you're damn brilliant at."
She gazes at the paper in his hand, the crisp edge showing he hasn't even bothered to read it.
"You're right," she admits. "I do love my job, but I respect myself more."
"So do I." His voice is filled with conviction. He knows going to Stu was disrespectful, and that letting her try to fight his battles was wrong. Beyond anything, he hates admitting his shortcomings, but he shows his respect by softening his tone and pleading with her. "I made a mistake, Donna."
She assumes his humility is supposed to serve as an apology, which makes her part with a heavy sigh. She promised herself she'd stay out of his life, personal and otherwise, but she's bitterly annoyed he thinks placating her will change anything. "Does Paula agree with you?"
"We ended things," he says, clearly and concisely. Until he wraps his head around the break-up, he doesn't want to share the details, but judging by Donna's still stern expression, she wouldn't want to hear them, anyway.
Hiding that she needs a moment to process his revelation, she ducks her head, uncomfortable with how easily the possibility of giving in to him tugs at her. Obviously, she's largely to blame for the split, but her guilt doesn't automatically mean she's ready to forgive and forget. Though she's still painfully empathetic by nature. "Are you okay?" She finally asks, lifting her gaze.
He shrugs. Anything other than her guarded expression would fill him with more confidence, but he hopes he will be, depending on her answer. "Will you come back?"
Her fingers twitch nervously on the other side of the door. "I need some time to think, Harvey."
Disappointment jolts through him, but she hasn't completely bled him dry of hope. And as painfully hard as it is for him to keep his mouth shut and be patient, he knows what's at stake if he doesn't put her needs ahead of his own. "Okay."
She closes the door, the lock clicking softly in his face, and he returns the envelope to his inner pocket. Tomorrow, he'll try again. And as many days after that as it takes to get back where she belongs.
…
Sipping her skim mocha latte with extra whipped cream, Donna turns the page of today's paper, sighing when a shadow hovers over the writing for far longer than necessary. "Can I help you?"
"Depends. Is this seat taken?"
She lifts her gaze to Harvey's sheepish smile, and she reluctantly nods. "So you quit being a lawyer and decided to stalk people for a living. How's that working out for you?"
Her attention diverts back to the property section, and Harvey squirms uncomfortably. He's trying not to put pressure on her, but there's only so long Louis is going to believe she's off sick before the man turns up at her apartment with forty gallons of soup. "It's been three days, Donna. Would you please just tell me what it's going to take to get you back?"
Thinking for a moment, she folds the paper closed and sits up, crossing her arms over her chest. To his credit, between his texts asking if she's okay and almost apologizing, he has been giving her space. And she's thought a lot about her job, her family at the firm, and why it's killing her that she can't just go back and pretend everything's okay.
She's embarrassed that she'd broken down in front of Harvey, but the panic attack was a symptom of a bigger problem. "Why did you break up with Paula?"
He stiffens, tension snapping around his muscles. "Donna — "
"That's my condition." She stands her ground, clutching her elbows tightly. "If you tell me it's because you need me as your COO, you can tear up my resignation, and I promise you, I'll never cross another line in your personal life again."
Blinking down at his hands, he pulls them apart and leans back, shaking his head.
She quickly exclaims her frustration at his silence. "This is the problem, Harvey. You act like you can't live without me, but then you keep me on a pedestal until you get bored. You flirt and we drink, and God knows what else, until you decide it's enough." Grabbing her purse, she slips from the booth, creating one solid line between them. "If you really wanted me in your life, I would be in it. Relationships are that simple."
Leaving him with the revelation, she doesn't look back as she hurries out the exit, her heart pounding, but this time with anxiety that carries her confidently down the street. Thinking about the consequences of everything she just unloaded is both terrifying and exhilarating, but before she can land on which emotion will have the bigger repercussions, a hand grips her arm, and she teeters on her heels as Harvey spins her around.
He stands there, a mixture of surprise and determination in his eyes, a faint touch of exertion coloring his cheeks from running to catch up with her. Then he inhales, and she gasps as his mouth crashes against hers, the kiss knocking her spiraling emotions into a whole other arena.
It isn't until he's jostled by the morning rush of pedestrians that he stops, pulling Donna out of the stream of people. He thought keeping her at an arm's length was how they managed to survive over a decade together. But she's been coming at him with hard truths for years, and they've only grown stronger. So, when he rationalizes that what he's really afraid of is losing her, accessing what he should have told her in the cafe comes easily. "You're one hell of a COO, but you're also the most important person in my life, Donna. So, what do you say? Why don't we make this simple?"
He pulls her resignation out of his pocket, tearing the envelope in two pieces like he should have done days ago. "Donna Roberta Paulsen, will you please come back to me, in all the ways that matter?"
Her eyes tear up as she grins, wrapping her arms around his neck. "Yes, Harvey, I will." She kisses him, laughing, and when he takes her hand, she doesn't question where they're going.
She's had three days off already, but Harvey's long overdue for a holiday, and she beams a smile when he reads her mind and hails a cab to his condo.