Chapter 4, Screaming In The Rain

"Rod, it's raining!" Bellatrix laughed with glee and spun in her cell, arms outstretched. "We get a bath!" "About time," Rod said at the same time that Rabastan's raven voice croaked out a snarky "No shit."

"Shut up, Rabastan. I am happy," Bellatrix snapped.

"Which you should not be," Rabastan pointed out. Bellatrix felt her heart lurch. He was right. Of course he was right! It was just bloody more difficult than it should be to remember that the occasional burst of happiness may get one worse than killed in this hell hole. "Right, sorry," she muttered. Was that the shadow of a Dementor approaching? She blinked rapidly to clear the water from her eyes. No. No it wasn't. Good. She let out a sigh of relief.

"What's that?" Rabastan cawed, sounding as if he were laughing. Who was happy now, then? She didn't bother to comment, though. With only himself to talk to, his fleeting amusement would be short lived. She hoped that remaining a raven wouldn't eventually muck up his head and keep him a bird brain forever. She didn't want him having trouble functioning as a human wizard again when they got out of here, but it wasn't worth mentioning now, because now there was only here and being a raven seemed to be helping Rabastan.

"Take off your clothes," Rodolphus called. "No one can see you, and you'll get cleaner." Plus if it rains long enough, you can wash the clothes better as well."

"Good idea. Thanks." Bellatrix was already undressing as she spoke. A hot soothing bath with scented soap would have been wonderful, but by this point, cold rain wasn't too far behind it. Being clean, even somewhat, did much to restore a bit of the dignity they forced you to lose in this place. When The Dark Lord returned, they'd get out and kill everyone who'd put them here, she silently vowed. This place really shouldn't exist!

"Dilemma," Rabastan squawked. "I hate it when my feathers are this wet. I can't fly and I feel shitty. But if I shift back, there is more of me to wash, and I have to fuck with the clothes."

"Yep, your life is complete and utter shit right now," Rodolphus called back. To his credit, he sounded completely solemn, not even a hint of a smile in his voice, Bellatrix thought, amused.

"I'd keep the raven form and deal with not being able to fly," she called. "It isn't as if you could go anywhere anyway, so you aren't really at a disadvantage. Not to mention the more uncomfortable you are, the better it is to keep any feelings of happiness at being clean from accidentally surfacing," she concluded dryly.

"Hey, that's a good point," Rabastan said cheerfully. "Thanks, sis."

Bellatrix felt her throat welling with emotion at his casual comment. Gods she missed seeing that little shit's face. She just wanted to grab him and give him a hug, just to assure herself that they were both alright. But there would be none of that, and of course they weren't alright. Rodolphus wasn't alright either. They were just surviving, and they would do that. They would survive and hold on until this was over and The Dark Lord returned.

She sighed, tilting back her head as the pelting cold rain streamed down her face and naked body. Her long black hair stuck to her back like a cloak, and she lifted it so that the water could run completely through it. No shampoo or soap, but this was better than nothing. "How do you think he will free us when he returns," she couldn't help asking. With a sigh, she reached down for the despised Azkaban garb, holding the fabric under the rain and running her hands over it in quick hard strokes to hopefully shake off the dirt and grime it had accumulated from her sleeping on the unforgiving ground.

"Hm. Perhaps he'll make Portkeys out," Rodolphus replied.

"I like that," Rabastan squawked. Clearly he'd taken Bella's advice and kept to the raven form.

"Do we get dressed now," Bellatrix wondered. "I'd like to dry naturally and dry the clothes, but..."

"Yeah, no where to hang them, so I guess it's putting them on wet," Rodolphus said."I'd rather not, but if we just put them on the muddy ground, they shall become even more filthy than they already were." Such silly mundane conversations, Bellatrix thought. "Conversations that while mundane, would never have been had out of Azkaban. Certain things one only had to speak of when locked away in the worst place ever. Never in their lives outside of this hell would they have cause to shower in the rain or not touch one another. Merlin, but she wanted a toothbrush! She wanted some hot tea instead of the disgusting tepid water they were given to drink with their single sparse meal a day.

"Roddy," she asked after a long moment of hesitation. She felt so silly about the question, that she nearly hadn't asked. "Do you remember how my face looks?"

Rodolphus laughed. "Of course I do. I picture it all the time."

She swallowed as tears sprang to her eyes. Blast but she was emotional today and had no real idea why other than this place was unraveling them in unique and special ways daily, a little at a time. "I do too. Your face that is.

"We're going to get through this, Babe," Rodolphus promised, and that was exactly what she needed to hear. Rodolphus was so certain, and she believed him. He was smart and he'd never been wrong before. Of course she was just as smart, but she wasn't being very helpful to herself in here. Therefore, she preferred to listen to Rodolphus. If she listened to herself for too long, the pressure would build in her chest until the screams tore their way out. She'd scream and scream and scream and the worst thing was that it felt good to lose her mind a little and even know that it was happening. It was a relief.

It put an end to the struggle; to the misery. This was quite likely because screaming was active and the depression that it seemed the Dementors leaked into the air with their very existence was passive. It passively sucked out one's will to live, but in a sense, screams were life. They were, weren't they? Bellatrix considered asking Rod what he thought about that bit of philosophy, but decided against it for the moment. He didn't like it when she gave way to the screams, and she didn't want to upset him by bringing it up. The goal was not to be too happy, but there was no reason to actively make anyone more unhappy than necessary. Unless it was Sirius, that was. It was so damned funny that Sirius was here for something he claimed not to have done.

Bellatrix wasn't certain that she even believed him, but even if it was true, the git still deserved to be here. He'd done enough in general, after all. He'd been a constant shit from the time he could talk just to spite his family and she'd never understood why. Something was just wrong in him! That was all. The fact that he was here meant that karma just might be real. Though the fact that she, Rodolphus and Rabastan were here made her doubt. Hadn't they been the most loyal to The Dark Lord, after all? At the very thought of him it was difficult not to sink to her knees in the mud. He was a god, or nearly that. The most powerful being in flesh they'd ever seen! They'd seen him do things! Things that no human could. He was so very much more than a human! And he would get them out of here.

The rain tapered off and she was relieved. Sleeping in the mud if it kept up would not be pleasant. Though eventually that would certainly happen, she knew. She could recall many a time that it had rained all night. During her childhood, sleep was so much deeper and more satisfying when done to the accompaniment of rain. Later, she and Rodolphus enjoyed one another over and over as the rain pelted down on the roof above them and against the window beside their bed. Such thoughts made her body ache with longing for him. She could remember with stark clarity how incredible his large strong hands felt on her body. No! She could not think of that for too long.

"Let's play people we hate," Rabastan suggested. It was a game he'd made up to pass the time. They took turns naming someone they hated, only the first letter of the name had to be the same as the last letter of the person who was most hated by who ever's turn it was before.

"Very well," Bellatrix agreed, glad of the distraction. She needed out of her own head.

"But we've already played it fifteen times and we already know all the names of everyone all three of us hate. It's starting to repeat and get boring," Rodolphus complained.

Rabastan let out an annoyed caw. "Fine! How about we do the same thing with people we don't hate. We have to love or like them. That will make us all sad and shit," he concluded happily. "Remember, sadness is safety."

Yes, but it's also killing us, Bellatrix wanted to say. She didn't, though, because she knew he was nonetheless correct.

"I'll start," Rabastan said. "Corvus." Bellatrix swallowed. This game was not going to be fun. She thought of Rodolphus and Rabastan's father like a second one of her own. She knew he must be rather unhappy with them at present. Hopefully her own parents were visiting him often, as now he had no one else.

"Slughorn," Rodolphus said.

"The potion's professor?" Rabastan squawked.

"I don't hate him," Rodolphus said. "I forget his first name, though, so Slughorn has to count."

"Fine, whatever," Rabastan agreed.

"Narcissa," Bellatrix said, taking her turn. She hoped her sweet sister was well and safe and that she thought of her sometimes. Of course Cissy would think of her! What was wrong with her mind in this place? Well, obviously the Dementors were wrong with it. She sighed. This game wasn't fun at all, but that was the point, wasn't it?

"Aberforth," Rabastan said. "He was always good to us and let me under age drink with you two back in the day."

Bella smiled, then reminded herself not to enjoy any fond thoughts. Those were good times, though. Hogsmeade weekends at Hogwarts had been their own kind of magic.