I was pleasantly surprised that the previous chapter was well received, it was a little worried lol.

Well, sorry to say, it's going to get worse before it gets better :)

Enjoy!

Dimitri's apartment felt cold, more so than usual. Or maybe I wasn't holding heat. I didn't have a coat, it was left somewhere at the party. The steps he told me to wait at were inside but lacked any warmth. I was left alone with my thoughts, clinging to the edges of my sanity to keep myself from falling apart again.

My mind was tattered strings that kept slipping through my fingers, and I was back to spiralling down.

I kept spiralling.

Dimitri tried to get me to talk; even wrapped his duster around my shoulders in hopes of warming me, but I couldn't feel anything. The only part of me that felt hot was where the blood still stained my hand. It felt like an acid, burning through me. The stain on my soul.

"Come here, Roza," Dimitri instructed in a low voice, tentative touches to guide me to the bathroom and in front of the sink. He took my hand in his and held it under the taps.

I watched the blood run down the drain; I could wash the stain away, but my hands would never be clean again. "What's going to happen to me?" I asked; my voice was rough from lack of use.

"Nothing will happen to you."

I shook my head. "I'm a murderer. They'll send me to jail. I'll be taken away and never see you or Lissa again."

"No one will know what happened," Dimitri snapped, "I'll make sure no one touches you."

"You can't promise that."

Dimitri dipped down to catch my eyes; his eyes flashed dangerously. "I promise you; no one will know what happened. I'll protect you, Roza."

I met his stare, barely reacting to his declaration, though I knew he would fight tooth and nail to keep it. "What did you do with the body?"

"Don't concern yourself with it."

"Dimitri—"

"What happened in there? What did you mean it happened again?"

I dropped my eyes, drawing away from him. I never wanted him to see what the darkness did—I was a ticking bomb, and he witnessed my demise. I slipped past him, halfway to the door when he caught my arm and spun me to face him.

"Tell me what happened!" he shouted. I flinched back, and Dimitri winced. "Please, Roza," he tried again, his voice a whisper compared to before, a desperate plea in his tone, "tell me."

My guard dropped, and I deflated. I took a few steps to his bed and dropped to the mattress with a deep sigh, pulling my knees to my chin. "It was the darkness."

Dimitri perched on the spot beside me, his fingers grazing my arm, "The Princess said that as well. But how did it cause it? You said it didn't affect you like that."

I pressed my lips together. "I lied. I didn't want you to know the truth."

"What's the truth?"

I side-eyed him, unable to face him properly. "That I'm going to go insane and kill myself."

Dimitri always guarded his expression, rarely showing true emotion except for a few times. At my words, his mask fell, and pure fear showed. "What?"

"The more I take, the more it affects me until it becomes too much, and I just snap. It's happened before—before the attack at school, I tried to kill a royal who was hurting Lissa. That guy tonight was trying to hurt Lissa, and I was overcome with the need to stop him. To hurt him. I had to make him pay." I curled my fingers into a fist, burying my face in shame. "I didn't mean to kill him. I just lost control."

He didn't reply, and after a moment, Dimitri moved away from me. The bed shifted when he stood, and I felt cold. A sob rose in my throat.

Dimitri didn't want me.

I couldn't hold back the tears, curling in on myself to restrict myself from reaching for him. I couldn't handle his rejection.

"Why would you kill yourself?"

My lip quivered as I tried to keep my voice even, "It's what happened to Anna. She was shadow-kissed, and she killed herself. If I can't balance the darkness, it will take over and that will be my future."

I heard Dimitri growl before glass shattered. I jumped, my head snapped up and searched the room. The screen on the television was broken; a book laid among the glass on the floor. Dimitri stalked back and forth with rage rolling off him.

"Dimitri?"

"It's because of the Princess. She's killing you, and she doesn't care!" he roared. Dimitri spun to face me; the cold look in his eyes gave me chills. "The bond is killing you—she is killing you, and you are letting her!"

I shook my head vehemently, "It isn't like that."

"Yes, it is!" Dimitri's palms framed my face, eyes imploring me to understand, "She's using you and doesn't care if you die. Why can't you understand that?"

"Lissa does care," I argued, "It's not her fault that I can't handle it. I'm meant to protect her. I wasn't there until it was almost too late! If I had been there—"

"You killed a human, Rose! The Princess didn't look at you with understanding. She looked at you with disgust."

I slapped his hands away. "No, she didn't!"

Dimitri's hand returned to my face, gentle as he angled my head back to look at him. "I can't lose you. You have to break the bond."

I blinked. I couldn't believe what I heard.

He continued, inching closer, "I can help you. I can break you away from the Princess and the control of Moroi. We can be together, Roza."

I licked my lips, feeling ice run down my spine. "What are you saying, Dimitri?"

"We can be together forever," he begged, "Nothing would be able to stop us. I could awaken you—"

I broke from his hold, jerking away from him with a look of horror. "No. I'll never do that! What the hell is wrong with you!"

In the months I had spent with Dimitri, I hadn't felt scared of him; never a true fear for my life. Even when I was most vulnerable and offered my neck for him to bite, I was never scared. But at that moment, I was.

I was terrified.

"Think about it." Dimitri wasn't deterred, attempting to follow me as he spoke, "You'll be faster and stronger, and—"

"And I would kill. I don't want to be like that!"

His face hardened. "I stopped; I can help you do the same."

"You really think you'll keep this up? You're telling me you won't hurt another person while offering to kill me! Do you hear what you're saying?"

"I want to protect you! I won't watch you go insane because of some blind loyalty to someone who doesn't care!"

I stared at him as I backed away, my mind spinning with the turn of events. "Doesn't care?" I repeated in disbelief. "At least Lissa wants me to live. You claim to love me but want to curse me to be a soulless monster killing innocents and living in the shadows. In what way is that you caring?"

Dimitri bared his teeth and stormed up to me, "I'm trying to save you!"

I panicked; a fight or flight instinct took over—and I chose to fight. My fist collided with Dimitri's jaw, the blow knocked him back a step and stunned him. It stunned me too. I couldn't remember the last time we fought that wasn't just sparring. It had been months since I threw a punch intending to hurt him.

"Roza," Dimitri called calmly, and I moved further from him.

"No. I won't do this. I never wanted to be a Strigoi, and I never will."

His hands curled into fists at his side; a dark look covered his face. "I won't hurt you."

"Yes, you will. How can you not see that this will hurt me?"

"I'm trying to help you!"

I backed away again, not taking my eyes off him as I backtracked to the door. How could I be so stupid as to trust a Strigoi? "Was this your plan all along? String me along—make me believe you loved me—just so I agreed to be turned?"

"Is that what you think?" he demanded, eyes ablaze as he followed. "You still just see me as a monster. You're the one who killed tonight."

The words hit hard—I stumbled like I had been hit. It was like watching the rest of my world break; rose-tinted glasses fell away to show the truth I tried so hard to ignore. I had to get out of there. I spun and tried to run, but Dimitri caught my arm. Panic flared in me, and I struck him again. Dimitri reacted; his fist collided with my cheek, and I fell to the ground. Blood filled my mouth from a cut on the inside of my cheek; it dripped from my lip and onto the carpet.

A sharp inhale brought my attention back to Dimitri. His eyes were wide, retreating from me with his open palms held in front of him. "I didn't mean… Roza—"

I spat the blood from my mouth and rose to my feet with my head held high and my broken heart hidden. "You're right, I did kill. But you are still just a monster, Dimitri. I was an idiot for believing you could be anything else."

When I tried to leave again, he didn't follow. I didn't even hear him call my name as I ran up the stairs and out to the street. It was still night, late enough that there wasn't anyone around and the stores were closed. I didn't know where to go, but I ran. I had to get away—I had to escape before Dimitri decided to chase me.

Tears streamed down my face as I shattered into pieces. How could it have all been a lie? How could I have fallen for it so easily? It felt real every time he swore he loved me. I believed every word, hung onto them and cherished them. But it was all a lie.

It was a game for Dimitri, and I played my role perfectly.

I stood in the apartment lobby. I shouldn't be so close, but I knew the ward would prevent Dimitri from following. There was nowhere else I would be safe, and I had nowhere else to go.

Janine saw what I did, and she also saw Dimitri. I was too scared to slip into Lissa's head to see. Maybe they had already called Court guardians. Maybe they were minutes away from taking me in. I wouldn't fight. Whatever punishment I got, I deserved.

So I stood in the lobby, unable to go upstairs, and unable to go back outside. I was stuck in limbo and didn't know which way to go.

"Are you alright?"

I jumped, fists up to protect myself. The person didn't react with more than a raised eyebrow; their fingers tapped the brass top of their cane. It was a man—a Moroi—only a little taller than me, with thick, dark, wavy hair and a gold earring in one ear. The heavy coat he wore hid most of his suit, but I could see a strip of orange. The fact he was the weirdest thing I saw all night was shocking.

He peered at me, head tilted and eyes squinted. "Are you Rosemarie, by chance?"

I inhaled sharply, taking a step back as my eyes flicked around the lobby. There wasn't anyone else except for a man by the door. His height was close to Dimitri's, and his face screamed deadly guardian. "Who wants to know?" I demanded weakly.

They wouldn't just send one guardian and a Moroi. But it still put me on edge that he knew my name.

"Perhaps we can discuss this upstairs. Janine is expecting me," he replied. The man reached into his pocket and produced a handkerchief, holding it to me. "Did something happen?"

I took it after a moment of hesitation; I realised I still had tears running down my face and blood staining my lip. "Yeah," I muttered, "you could say that."

"Did someone hurt you?"

I knew he asked because of my bruised cheek, but I only thought of the dead body on the bathroom floor. "No. Not me," I swallowed around the lump in my throat. "I'm sure Janine will explain after she's done killing me."

My mother would disown me. Whatever good relationship we built had been broken that night, and I had no doubt she would feel no guilt throwing me away.

"That's quite dramatic," he mused, "Why would she do that?"

I stared at the man, exhausted by his questions. "It's none of your business, old man."

He smirked, thrilled by my response rather than angered. "I can assure you, it is my business."

My anger flared, and I snapped, "And why the fuck is that?"

"Because I'm your father."

I refused to go upstairs with the Moroi, calling bullshit on his claim of Dad. I was ready to run away again when Janine got off the elevator.

We both stood still and stared at each other for a full minute. My heart pounded in my chest the whole time, waiting for the disgust and disappointment to show on her face. Yet, all I received was a look of relief before I was engulfed in her arms.

To say I was shocked was an understatement.

Turns out Lissa explained everything to my mother. Everything. Luckily for me, Janine was more concerned about how I was slowly going insane than by the fact I was friendly with a Strigoi. Apparently, Eddie and Christian swearing up and down that Dimitri had saved them in the past helped. I wouldn't be surprised if Lissa had added a dashing of compulsion in there to help.

I didn't expect to be welcomed back into my home and treated like I was the victim in all of this.

Lissa was distraught, clinging to me as soon as I stepped through the door. Apologies tumbled from her lips, begging for forgiveness for not noticing—for letting me take so much.

By the time we broke apart, I had another healing charm and the first moment of clarity in days.

Everything hit hard, and I just wanted to hide in my room and cry.

I killed someone and realised that the love I felt was a lie. It was terrible, but I couldn't decide which hurt more.

Lissa explained what happened. The teacher always made her nervous, hiding her fears from me so I didn't start a fight to protect her. That night he followed her to the bathroom and tried to force himself on her. I felt less guilt for killing him but more because I was the reason she was in that position. She left to find me because Janine asked where I was.

Abe—my father—whom I was not prepared to meet, had simply hummed when told I killed someone. A single follow-up question of "Was the body taken care of?"

I almost broke, a short reply that it was.

Lissa knew something had happened; her curiosity bled through the bond, but she wouldn't ask unless I offered.

Finally, I craved the distraction and asked Abe, "Why the hell did you suddenly want to meet me?"

"Because you're eighteen," he declared with a nod at Janine, "I agreed to wait until then, and now I would like to get to know you." I thought that was all until he reached into a brown leather bag he brought with him. "And I was told to bring you this."

Abe placed an old, worn, leather-bound book before me. A leather tie held it closed, and the yellowed pages looked ready to fall out. I peered at it but didn't reach for it. A corner of a page stuck out; from what I could see, it wasn't written in English.

I pulled a face and mumbled, "Thanks. I guess."

"Yeva wouldn't leave me alone until I agreed."

My eyes snapped to his. The name was so familiar. "Yeva? What's her last name?"

He raised a brow again, a curious glint in his eye. "Belikova. Do you know her?"

I looked down at the book, wondering why she would demand it be brought to me. "I don't know her personally," I answered weakly, "I know her grandson."

No one ever connected the teacher's death to me. He was discovered in his home with a collection of evidence of his crimes and ruled it a suicide. I didn't ask much about how they found him; I didn't want to think about what Dimitri did to make it believable. Stories spread as students revealed that Lissa wasn't the first person he hurt.

None of it made me feel better, but Dimitri was right. Nothing happened to me.

I didn't see Dimitri after that night—never felt the nausea and the knowledge that it was him. A week passed, and then another. I never saw him, and he never tried to contact me.

As the days passed and the madness receded, I wondered if I was wrong. Dimitri had been terrified when he learned the truth, and that made him offer something I never expected. Maybe I shouldn't have feared him, but I still couldn't believe he would offer that choice to me. Even if it was in desperation, it still went against everything I wanted.

I stayed up nights, plagued by everything that happened that night. Haunted by the words I spat into Dimitri's face.

I called him a monster and treated him like one. Even if Dimitri's love had been fake, I threw mine away just as quickly.

It was late at night when I felt my bed dip as someone climbed on, a hand shaking my shoulder. I squinted at my alarm clock and groaned, "Liss, it's three a.m. Go back to sleep."

"Rose," she whispered excitedly, "you have to wake up. I found it."

I peered at her through one eye. "If it isn't sleep, then I don't care," I grumbled and rolled onto my side.

My pillow was ripped out from under my head, and my light flicked on. Lissa leaned over me with determination in her eyes.

"Rose. I found it."

"What the hell is it?" I snapped.

She rolled her eyes and dropped a book on my chest, the same one Abe gave me. "I finally found a way to do it."

Lissa flipped through the pages; it was an old journal written in a language I didn't understand, but Lissa apparently could. I never asked what was in it; I just gave it to her and pretended I didn't care about Dimitri anymore.

"I missed it last time; I must have translated it wrong. I thought he meant kill, but he didn't. He meant life."

I sat up, staring at the passage she tapped but not understanding. "What do you mean?"

"He wrote about a Strigoi," she replied with a grin on her face. When I didn't react the same, she sighed and tapped the page again. "He brought the Strigoi back to life, Rose. A spirit user restored a Strigoi! And I know how he did it."