Warnings for this chapter: Reference to past child abuse and past trauma.

39. TURNING POINT

Holly forced herself to breathe deeply, to centre her thoughts on the here and now, and allowed her empathy to feel ahead, as Sarah had taught her, to give her an idea of who was already in that room. The heavy, muddy brushstrokes of worry, guilt, anger, love were well familiar to her, but there was an unexpected brambleberry taste of excitement, hope.

She forbade herself from panicking, counting down the meticulous list of reasons why she was safe. She knew and trusted every person who was waiting for her in the dining hall. The anger wasn't directed at her, just a general assessment of the situation. Excitement and hope were positive emotions. No-one was planning to hurt her. They would do everything in their power to protect her. The manor was unplottable, heavily warded so no-one would be able to get in without putting all of them on high alert. She had her wand; she could defend herself if need be. She could leave at any point, if it became too much. She had nothing left to lose.

Sarah hadn't wanted her to add that last reason to her list when they had compiled it together, arguing that it was neither true nor healthy. Holly understood why she said it, but none of Sarah's kind words and kinder emotions, none of Sirius' slobbery kisses and furry cuddles, none of Tom's whispered confessions of love managed to fill the emptiness she felt inside.

She stared down at her trembling fingers. Nerve damage from prolonged use of the Cruciatus Curse, or so Professor Snape and the healers had told her. She hardly remembered. She didn't want to remember. Not when the pain had been the least of it, when it felt so inconsequential and weak in comparison. She wasn't supposed to think of that, not now, not if she wanted to make it to breakfast.

Snape and Madam Pomfrey had assured her that her body would heal, that her physical wounds would disappear and from their worried, pinched expressions she knew that they had expected her to be farther recovered by now, that her magic wasn't responding as well as they would have liked. She couldn't bring herself to care about that, about the faint reddish-pink lines that still spelt out the hours of torture on her skin, the aching in her bones, the dizzy spells or rawness of her insides. It didn't matter – how could it?

She pulled in another shaky breath, listening for another moment to the soft sounds of clinking cutlery and hushed conversation, before she pushed herself to reach for the door handle and open the door. The conversation cut off and all eyes turned to her though Tom and his Death Eaters didn't get up anymore to greet her because their sudden looming presences had always made her flinch back.

"Good morning," she was greeted by a soft chorus of voices and gentle smiles all around and Snape rose slowly from his seat and opened his arms with a beaming grin.

"Hey there, pup," he called softly and Holly's breath caught in her chest as she darted her eyes to the other side of the table where a second Professor Snape was sitting with his usual inscrutable mien; she swivelled back to the first Snape, the one who was wearing her godfather's grin and was projecting his usual mix of emotions and that same giddy hope she had felt when she had stood outside the door. "Do you think I might get a hug?"

A sob tore from her throat as she took a stumbling step forward on shaky legs before breaking out into a run. She threw herself into Sirius' waiting arms, feeling them close reassuringly around her.

"Shh, I got you," Sirius murmured, allowing her to stifle her sobs against his chest and only holding her more tightly when all the emotions, her own and his, crashed down on her. "I got you, I promise."

It was as if all her wounds had broken open again, bleeding freely but also allowing the poisonous infection to leave her body. It hurt, an agony beyond words, but she also felt connected for the first time in so long, sheltered and comforted, her pain mingling with Sirius' love for her, her guilt offset by his unconditional acceptance of everything she was and wasn't, her panic finding its counterpoint in his fierce protectiveness. She lost herself, and then, piece by piece, she started to find herself again. Not all the parts, but perhaps enough to make her want to look for the others and reclaim her life or what was left of it.

When she became aware of her surroundings again, they were alone and Sirius had somehow manoeuvred them into one of the window seats, casting aside some of the velvety throw pillows to create a cosy little nook for them. His arm was wrapped around her shoulders and he had half-covered her with his robes, holding her gently against his chest so that she could feel the soothing thump-thump-thump of his heart beat.

"Better?" he asked in a hushed whisper, smiling a smile full of understanding and love and handing her a handkerchief to wipe her tears.

Holly nodded hesitantly, dabbing at her wet cheeks and blowing her nose. "Thank you. I know… I know it wasn't you and it doesn't make sense to…"

"It makes perfect sense to me, pup," Sirius corrected her, running potion-stained fingers through her short hair. "I'm just sorry I didn't think of something like this earlier."

"You kept me company as Padfoot," Holly pointed out. "Even though Remus was worried about it…"

Sirius sighed, pressing a small kiss to her forehead before he answered, "You know that I spent most of my time in Azkaban as a dog and after I escaped… let's just say I understand the urge of trying to hide away in your Animagus form. Remus had a hard time breaking me off that habit and he didn't think that I should encourage you to follow in my footsteps - which, as you know, is always good advice."

He grinned a little and she managed a fleeting smile to acknowledge his joke before she snuggled back into his side and closed her eyes. It was a strange dichotomy to listen to Sirius' words and thoughts and be surrounded by his feelings when this was so evidently not his body. Snape's arms were longer and more wiry around her and she could feel his boney ribcage underneath her cheek, see his prominent features when she glanced up. But Sirius' speech had a different cadence, a different intonation and whereas Snape's hugs – the few times she had simply ignored his protests and wrapped her own arms around him – had always remained stiff and reserved, a bit like the man himself, Sirius was holding her safely against his chest, warm and reassuring and ultimately familiar.

She still declined when Sirius asked, in a soft, careful voice, if she wanted to talk about it, trying not to feel his immediate disappointment, mixed with relief, mixed with guilt, mixed with a feeling of helplessness.

"I've been talking to Sarah," she murmured. "And I just… I'm so tired and I'm not sure it helps. It makes it more real and it hurts and I just want it to stop, think of something else, at least for a little while. Is that okay?"

"Of course, Holly. But… I'm here if you ever want to talk – about anything or nothing at all. I'm here, okay?" Sirius murmured, gently pulling her closer when she nodded. "Can I just ask one thing?" he then continued cautiously, shushing her when she tensed immediately. "Not about that, but… Why didn't you ever tell me about how the Dursleys really treated you, pup?"

Holly twisted to blink up at him in surprise.

"They checked you for signs of abuse when you were in the hospital," Sirius explained, such an unhappy furrow between his brows that for a moment he looked exactly like the real Snape. "I knew… Of course I knew that something wasn't quite right, that no thirteen-year-old girl would agree to come live with an unkempt and possibly deranged stranger if there wasn't something seriously amiss with her current living situation…"

"Sirius…"

"I suspected that they favoured their own son and that they were neglecting your needs," Sirius continued unhappily. "That should have been enough, I should have got you out of there. I shouldn't have…"

"That's why I didn't tell you," Holly replied softly, wrapping her arms more firmly around Sirius' middle. "Because I knew you already weren't happy leaving me there and that you were feeling guilty about it. I didn't want to add to that and I thought that if you knew… Dumbledore made it pretty clear that he wanted me to stay at the Dursleys and I couldn't risk losing you."

"Oh, pup, when did I give you the idea that it was your job to protect me?" Sirius sighed deeply. "I'm supposed to watch out for you – not the other way around."

"Why can't we watch out for each other?" Holly asked timidly. "Isn't that what families are supposed to do?"

"And a fine job I've done so far." Sirius barked out an unamused laugh, gently tracing one of the pink lines on her arm.

Holly jerked back, not able to contain her flinch, and Sirius snapped his hand away as if they had both been burnt, cursing softly.

Holly whimpered, curling into herself. "Please… I can't deal with your anger right now, even if it's directed at yourself."

"Shit, of course, I'm sorry," Sirius agreed hastily before taking a few deep breaths and consciously relaxing his body again, gentling his hold on her. "I'm sorry, Holly."

Holly nodded, snuggling back into his embrace and trying to calm her own gasping breaths and nerves as Sirius continued to whisper soft reassurances to her.

"I told my relatives that I had a godfather, that you were the escaped felon they had seen on the news and that you wouldn't be happy if you knew how they treated me," she admitted some time later with a fleeting grin. "It worked wonders on them for a while."

"I would have been more than happy to prove your point, pup," Sirius murmured.

"I know," Holly replied softly. "But just knowing that you cared and that you were safe was all I needed."

Sirius sighed, pressing another kiss into her hair before trying to smooth the short strands. "I was supposed to spoil you rotten, you know? I had it all worked out with Remus, too – he was going to get you all those practical, boring gifts, like books or writing utensils, and I was going to take care of the fun stuff – Quidditch equipment and impractical pets and sweets and things from the joke shop."

"What did my parents think about that?" Holly asked quietly.

"Lily wasn't always onboard, I admit, especially when I tried to buy that crup pup for you… And Jamie was a little upset that I was the one who got you your first toy broom, but our arguments were all in good fun and they loved you just as much as I do," Sirius replied, squeezing her shoulders. "I'm sorry you didn't get to have that life, pup."

"It sounds nice," Holly whispered, closing her eyes and listening to Sirius' heart, his breathing, his warm, safe feelings.

She must have drifted off because she startled awake when Sirius shifted slightly, adjusting his hold on her.

"Shh, pup, it's okay. I just have to take another sip of Polyjuice before it wears off," Sirius murmured reassuringly, showing her a small bottle in his hand.

"Has it been an hour yet?" Holly asked muddily.

"Almost two, sleepyhead," Sirius gave back, a note of gentle teasing in his voice.

"I thought Polyjuice only lasts one hour," Holly said, tensing involuntarily.

"So did I, but Snape informs me that that's true only for the subpar concoctions brewed by everyone else and not when the potion is prepared by a world-class Potions Master like himself." Sirius rolled his eyes but then shrugged. "I have to hand it to him, though, he had this ready overnight and it lasted the two hours like he claimed."

He made to uncork the small vial, but Holly stopped him by placing a shaking hand on his wrist. "Don't."

"Are you sure, pup?" Sirius asked softly. "I don't mind staying like this for a while longer if it helps you."

"I know, but… this was enough, I think, and I don't… I want to stop feeling so fucking broken all the time and if I can't…" Her voice broke and she had no words anyway to describe this feeling of misery, of despair, of ruins echoing with the screams of all that had been lost.

"Okay, okay, deep breaths, Holly," Sirius cajoled her, running his hands up and down her arms to try and calm her. "Hush, I got you. Anything you need."

"Just… talk to me, please," Holly whispered, closing her eyes again and grasping Sirius' hand in hers.

Sirius gave her fingers a gentle, reassuring squeeze. "Have I ever told you the story about how the Marauders single-handedly lost Gryffindor the House Cup one year?" he then asked lightly, continuing when she gave a slight shake of the head. "It was the end of our Fourth Year and Jamie had just discovered that he was helplessly and at that point hopelessly in love with the ethereal Lily Evans. The weather was sweltering; exams had been a drag and Lily was thoroughly unimpressed by Jamie at that point and so we decided that we needed to end the year with a splash…"

Holly listened with half an ear as Sirius told her in detail about the epic brainstorming session the Marauders had engaged in to remedy the situation, all the ideas that had been brought up, but ultimately discarded for one reason or the other. When he was in the middle of recounting all the preparations and planning that had gone into the actual prank, with a funny anecdote about a last-minute supply run, his voice changed back to his usual warm timber, his hands becoming broader and less fine-boned again. Holly kept her eyes firmly closed, barely taking in the end of the story where they had apparently flooded the Great Hall, McGonagall had docked a whopping two-hundred points and Flitwick had conjured up inflatable swim toys for everyone to enjoy while the teachers had tried to figure out how to drain the water. It was a good story and she felt a little bad for her lack of attention to it, but it took all her strength to focus on the fact that this was Sirius, her godfather, who had never, would never hurt her.

And Sirius' emotions didn't change with the return to his own body. Of course, they didn't. It was the same familiar mix of feelings, warm and comforting like an almost too tight hug or the first slice of pumpkin pie with a generous dollop of whipped cream at the beginning of the new school year.

When she finally dared to open her eyes again, after Sirius had long since concluded his story and launched into another anecdote of her parents' disastrous first date, he smiled gently down at her, his stormy grey eyes crinkled a little in worry.

"How are you doing, pup? Still okay?" he asked in his softest voice, beaming at her when she gave a timid nod. "Want me to keep talking?"

"Yes, please," Holly whispered, pressing her cheek against Sirius' chest.

He breathed a soft kiss against her forehead and then continued with his story, holding her closely.

Holly only looked up again when there was a soft knock on the door some time later and Sarah poked her head into the dining room. She smiled brightly when she saw them still snuggled up on the window seat. "I don't mean to disturb," she said apologetically. "But the rest of us were wondering if maybe you would like to have something to eat? Dobby reminded us quite firmly that you haven't had breakfast yet…"

Sirius peered down at her, smiling again when she nodded hesitantly. "Some food sounds great. Thanks, Sarah."

"We can have lunch with the others," Holly offered, a little discomfited by her own daring, but not willing to take it back when both Sirius and Sarah let her feel how proud and happy they were about her suggestion.

"Great, I'll let Dobby know and you can join us whenever you're ready. We'll be in the Winter Parlour," Sarah replied, pulling the door gently closed again as she left.

"Five more minutes?" Sirius offered, gently ruffling her hair when she nodded and puffed out a quiet sigh of relief before he firmly enclosed her in his arms again.

§*§*§*§*§

Tom forced himself to stay seated when Holly, accompanied by her godfather, finally entered the Winter Parlour, not wanting to startle or alarm her. Instead he sent her his warmest smile, studying her carefully for any signs of distress. But she seemed if not calm then at least resolved, allowing Sirius, who was once again in his own body, to keep a stabilising hand on her slight shoulder.

"Hi…" Holly greeted, with a facsimile of a smile for him, before she returned to scrutinizing the room, her fear simmering just beneath the surface. "Where are Rudolphus and Rabastan?"

"They wanted to visit their vault to get some Christmas decorations," he replied gently, very glad for their decision when some of the tension left Holly's body.

"Oh… they have even more Christmas stuff?" Holly asked with a vague wave of her hand to indicate the very much holiday-inspired décor of the room, including a ceiling-high Christmas tree, a varied assortment of stockings hanging over the roaring fireplace and dancing fairy lights around the windows.

"Apparently so," Tom replied with wry amusement.

"I thought about making a similar trip to Sirius' and my vault and maybe to yours as well to get some of the Potter Christmas decorations," Remus offered, his already mild-mannered demeanour softening even further when Holly carefully moved closer to him, guided and encouraged by Sirius' hand on her shoulder. He slowly rose to his feet and opened his arms and after heaving a quick but deep breath Holly stumbled forward, clutching to him as he enfolded her in gentle arms. "Oh, pup."

Holly mumbled something, but Tom wasn't close enough to catch her words and Remus just shushed her, snuffling his nose into her cropped hair and grumbling lowly, soothingly. When they finally separated, Remus pressed a gentle kiss to Holly's forehead and thumbed a few tears from her pale cheeks, before releasing her with an encouraging smile.

Holly wavered slightly and Tom had to clench his hands around the edge of the table to keep from jumping up and stabilising her, especially as Sirius had taken his seat next to Sarah already. But Holly caught herself on the back of one of the chairs, of Severus' chair, who had made a very studious production of not paying attention to any of them.

But when Holly half stumbled into him, he snapped his arm out to catch her and Holly buried herself in against his chest. "Thank you. Thank you, Professor."

Severus remained stiff as a board for a moment before he seemed to remember that he had arms and still rather rigidly settled them around Holly's slight frame. "Any moderately skilled potioneer could have brewed that potion."

"Any moderately skilled potioneer didn't and that's not what I'm talking about," Holly replied, her voice breaking slightly, and her shoulders starting to shake.

Severus cleared his throat, awkwardly patting her back. "I would have thought that you had your fill of hugs from me."

"It's not the same," Holly mumbled, still clinging to him.

"No smell of dog?" Severus quipped and Tom seriously considered hexing him to stop him from acting like such a bloody grump when Holly was finally opening up and reaching out to them.

"Different emotions," Holly explained softly. "Sirius is loud; you're quiet. It's both nice."

Severus snorted in disbelief. "If you provided me with that type of argument in one of your homework essays, Holly, you would receive a Dreadful – and that only if was in a generous mood."

"So… a Troll then?" Holly asked, peering up at the tall Potions Master with an ever so slight smile.

"Most assuredly," Severus agreed, smirking back.

"I'll keep that in mind. Thank you, Professor," Holly said and Severus gave a sharp nod, seeming much more comfortable with accepting Holly's gratitude when it wasn't so clearly linked to him doing something nice for her.

Holly turned to him next and he could see her hesitation written clearly across her face, resolve and fear and exhaustion warring for dominance. Tom suppressed a sigh, tapping Holly's chair with his wand with a wordless levitation charm so that it floated back a little as if pulled out by an invisible hand.

He smiled at her, nodding towards her seat, "Why don't you take a seat, kitten. I think you've accomplished quite a lot today and I'm sure you must be hungry."

Holly studied him carefully for another moment before sinking into her chair with a small, grateful smile that he returned without reservations, especially when she carefully slid her hand across the table and timidly caressed her fingertips against his. He responded by hooking his little finger around hers, a little worried that picking her hand up and placing a kiss on the back of her hand, as he would have normally done, might be a stretch too far for her.

Holly sent him another timid smile and then allowed him to fill her plate with all her favourite foods, though also maintaining that she wasn't really hungry. But once they all started eating, Sirius did a great job of distracting Holly with easy chatter so that she stopped poking listlessly at her food and actually started eating. Tom had not realised how quiet their meals had been in comparison when Sirius had been stuck in his Animagus form. He had a feeling he might start to miss it soon, but for right now he was just grateful that Holly seemed more at ease than she had been in weeks, though she still wasn't participating very actively in the conversation, which focused primarily on the varied holiday decorations Sirius and Remus hoped to find in their vaults.

"… my mother had this really beautiful crystal sphere with a serene, wintery landscape inside. You could hang it in front of a window and the light would reflect on all the little glittering treetops. I think you'd really like that, Holly. I'll have to see if I can find it after the full moon," Remus offered.

"Have you made arrangements for that yet?" Tom asked, topping off Holly's glass of pumpkin juice.

"I think I'm just going to go back home – we have converted the old wine cellar to a safe place for me and thanks to Severus' potion I will be perfectly fine staying there by myself," Remus answered with a slightly tired, but reassuring smile for his unhappy lover.

"I don't want you to be by yourself," Holly spoke up, looking even more unhappy than Sirius. "I want to spend the full moon with you and with Sirius."

Tom was not in favour of that idea, not at all, not when he had always felt that Holly spending the full moons with her lycanthrope godfather was a prime example of courting disaster and even less now that Holly was in such a fragile state. But… this was the first time that Holly had voiced her opinion or made a request in far too long and Tom couldn't countenance the thought of disappointing her or letting her down.

"I think Rudolphus mentioned that there is a small groundkeeper's cabin," he thus offered. "We could take a look at it this afternoon to see if it can be made werewolf-proof. I would prefer that, also because Holly hasn't been cleared for Apparition or Floo travel yet."

He also didn't want to be too far away, in case of problems, be they related to the full moon or another plot by Dumbledore. He made a mental note to have the Ministry up the security on Dumbledore's holding cell again where he was still awaiting trial. Fudge had been pressing him to commit to a date, but Tom didn't want to set a timer on Holly's recovery and had told Fudge as much, with Sirius' full support.

"Of course, yes, and it won't be a problem to set some wards and stuff," Sirius agreed eagerly.

"As long as Rudolphus and Rabastan have no objections," Remus cautioned. "I know… well, it's a big ask to let a werewolf roam free in your backyard."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Moony, like you said, you will be asleep most of the night, and we'll set up a perimeter to make sure that there is no 'roaming'. And Holly and I will keep you company, right, pup?"

Holly nodded, but Tom noticed a fine tremor that started in her hands and gradually spread to the rest of her body as if she had been caught in a stream of icy air that none of the rest of them could feel.

"Kitten," he called softly, trying not to feel disheartened when Holly flinched. "Why don't you lie down for a bit? I'm sure we can figure this out so that you can spend the full moon with your godfathers."

Sarah nodded in approval, smiling kindly at the younger woman. "I can feel your exhaustion, dear, both emotional and physical, and a few hours rest is just what the doctor prescribed for that."

Holly offered no counter-argument and after only a vague wave for all of them allowed Sarah to lead her back to her room for that much needed nap.