Some Rebranding And A Dreadnok Holiday

"Ugh I'm glad that's over with," Cobra Commander groaned as the Cobras hobbled back into the meeting room.

"I'm even gladder that Mindbender's regeneration machine works," Zartan worked out the kinks in his arm. "Instead of months in the ICU unit we only had a day."

"Still too long," The Baroness groaned as they all sat down.

"Speaking of things that are too long," Zandar quipped. "Might as well start this meeting. Commander?"

"I think we need to go over what we've learned the past few days," Cobra Commander said to his staff. "First of all, I learned that we have standards! That's very important to know."

"And knowing is a good reason to get a drink!" Destro grumbled as he sipped some whisky after pouring some from a decanter on the table.

Cobra Commander did a double take. "Really Destro? You're…?"

"I've decided to stop fighting it and turn into the skid," Destro told Cobra Commander.

"Welcome to the Dark Side my friend!" Cobra Commander said warmly. "We have cocktails!"

"This isn't so bad," Destro smiled. "I feel emotionally numb already!"

"Okay so we've lost Destro to madness," Zartan quipped. "Not that it wasn't a short trip."

"You know I'm starting to think that taking over the world isn't such a reasonable goal?" Cobra Commander sighed.

"Really?" Destro panned. "You've come to this conclusion after what? Forty something years?"

"You're right," Cobra Commander waved. "If I haven't taken over the world by now. It's not going to happen. I'm going to have to set a more reasonable goal."

"Which is?" Destro asked.

"Take over a large portion of the world and become as rich and famous as possible," Cobra Commander told him.

"For the Commander," The Baroness paused. "That is reasonable."

"He's already got the famous part down," Zartan remarked. "Well technically infamous."

"In today's culture," Cobra Commander remarked. "Potato-Po-tah-to."

"I think an important step to our goal would be what we discussed in the infirmary," Destro explained.

"You mean tracking down Zero and Vapor and beating them up within an inch of their lives?" Cobra Commander asked. "And then beating them up again until we kill them for real?"

"That too," Destro remarked. "I meant the other thing."

"Oh, the whole health care racket," Cobra Commander realized. "Yes, that was a good idea, wasn't it?"

"We could call it COBRA Care," The Baroness said. "And not only offer affordable health care benefits…We use some of our technology to heal people."

"As well as brainwash them," Cobra Commander added.

"I think that goes without saying," The Baroness shrugged. "We could easily replace limbs with bionics. Make more of Mindbender's healing chambers and patten them. Put nanobots in people. Brain chips to make some more compliant…"

"That sounds pretty simple the way you put it," Cobra Commander mused.

"Here's my idea," The Baroness said. "We start with a really poor country. Offer very low cost health care. Use our technology to improve their lives and brainwash them. Boom! Instant army! Especially if we use bionics. I mean there are a ton of poor countries ravaged by war. We just have to find a dictator dumb enough to accept our help."

"And just so I'm on the same page," Cobra Commander paused. "We kill the dictator and replace him with a Synthoid right?"

"Exactly," The Baroness nodded. "And from there we go to another country. And another. And another."

"This sounds extremely reasonable," Destro nodded. "By Cobra standards that is."

"Okay! I approve of this plan!" Cobra Commander nodded. "Baroness, you're in charge along with Mindbender, Zartan, Zarana and Zandar on this plan. Crimson Twins you work on creating a dummy corporation and all the legalities. There's that's the first item on the agenda done!"

"Second if you count the motion to destroy Vapor and Zero," Mindbender added. "Are you sure they're not on the island?"

"They scooted out the very hour we crashed home," Zartan grumbled. "Don't worry. We'll track them down."

"Okay fine," Cobra Commander waved. "Major Bludd. You're in charge of that. As well as the third item on the list, recruiting new soldiers."

"Why not use synthoids?" Major Bludd asked.

"We tried that," The Baroness sighed. "GI Joe discovered a frequency that disintegrates them."

"I'll also work on building more robot soldiers," Mindbender volunteered.

"Good," Cobra Commander nodded. "But COBRA Care is your main priority."

"I can do both," Mindbender waved.

"That's what worries me," Cobra Commander remarked. "Major Bludd you might want to look for a list of the remaining Cobras that are missing and try to find them too. The ones that are still alive."

"So what happened to your original Major Bludd?" Major Bludd asked.

"Honestly," Cobra Commander admitted. "I have no idea. I know he was injured the last time I saw him. That was…I want to say a year ago. But it feels longer than that."

"A lot longer than that," Destro added. "Funny I can't recall exactly what happened to Major Bludd either. Is he still part of Cobra?"

"Wait," Zandar spoke up. "Didn't he jump ship with all those other traitors from Mongoose Incorporated?"

"No, I don't believe he did," The Baroness realized. "Did we leave him in another dimension?"

"No, no…" Destro waved. "We lost track of him long before the whole spaceship thing. Huh. That's odd."

"Yeah, because Cobra does such a great job of remembering people," Zandar said sarcastically. "Like me!"

"You're still here, aren't you?" Zarana asked. "Trust me. Enough of us remember you!"

"Hey we remember our enemies and everything they've done to us very well!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Following that logic, if we can't remember what happened to our Major Blood…He must still be part of Cobra."

"If he's still alive," The Baroness pointed out.

"Oh, this bodes well," Major Bludd groaned.

"Okay everyone think!" Cobra Commander ordered. "I know that's not your strong suit but try to remember when was the last time we saw our Major Bludd?"

"Was he captured by GI Joe?" Zarana asked.

"I don't believe he was," Destro told her. "Or was he? This is rather perplexing."

"This is going to drive me crazy," Mindbender remarked.

"That's a short trip if ever I've heard one," Cobra Commander grumbled.

"I did that joke already," Zartan remarked. "But what did happen to our Major Bludd?"

"I thought he left the group after one of our bases blew up?" Zarana asked.

"I thought he died," Zartan remarked.

"I heard Cobra Commander shot him," Firefly remarked. "Or had him shot."

"I thought he got killed by one of Mindbender's experiments!" Cobra Commander spoke up. "Or the Dreadnoks."

Zartan realized something. "Where are the Dreadnoks anyway?"

"Who cares?" Destro remarked. "I'm seriously asking."

"So this is normal?" Major Bludd shouted. "You forgetting your own people?"

"Hey we've had a huge cast of characters that have worked for me over decades," Cobra Commander snapped. "Some admittedly I killed because they were backstabbing traitors! Others just left on their own. Mostly after we left them for dead but still…"

"Hey guys!" Torch remarked as he walked in with Blood Wing and Monkeywrench. "What's happening?"

"Oh, there they are," Zartan remarked. "Problem solved."

"No because they're still here," Cobra Commander sighed.

"Most of us," Torch remarked.

"What do you mean by that?" Zartan asked. "What did you do now?"

"It's not that big a deal," Blood Wing waved. "We just went on a little trip."

"So did we!" Mindbender spoke up. "Oh right. Major Bludd, I don't know if you have these counterparts. But that's Blood Wing. That's Torch, Monkeywrench…"

"I know what Dreadnoks are," Major Bludd grumbled.

"I'm not a Dreadnok," Blood Wing spoke up. "I'm a vampire."

"A turkey vampire," Destro corrected. "As in a vampire that changes into a turkey in the sunlight instead of becoming crispy."

"This amulet helps," Blood Wing pointed to the amulet around his neck.

"Okay that's new," Major Bludd remarked. "Do any of you know what happened to this dimension's Major Bludd?"

"This dimension's…?" Blood Wing blinked.

"You guys took another trip, didn't you?" Monkeywrench asked.

"Pretty much yeah," Zartan sighed.

"Drunken bender with lots of violence?" Torch asked.

"Do you have to ask?" Zandar quipped.

"Good point," Torch nodded. "So we weren't the only ones."

"What did you do?" Zartan shouted.

Cobra Commander asked Blood Wing. "Do you remember what happened to our original Major Bludd?"

"I think he was gone when I joined you," Blood Wing admitted.

"This is going to be on my mind all day," Cobra Commander remarked. "I can't remember what happened to him. We'd better figure this out. He might be plotting against us!"

"If he isn't already dead," Mindbender added. "If he is, problem solved!"

"What did you idiots do?" Zartan snapped at the Dreadnoks.

"We just went on vacation," Torch admitted.

"Oh God…" Zartan groaned. "Where did you go? And how much damage did you do?"

"And more importantly," Major Bludd added. "What happened to this dimension's Major Bludd?"

"I know he got injured," Torch scratched his head. "But he was always getting injured."

"So who got injured during your vacation?" Zartan asked acidly.

"Ripper for one thing," Torch admitted. "He's in the infirmary with a broken leg."

"How did it get broken?" Zarana asked.

"He got run over during the giraffe stampede," Torch explained.

"The what now?" The Baroness did a double take.

"Start from the beginning!" Zartan sighed.

"This is going to take a while," Destro sighed as he took another drink.

"It all started right after you lot left in your spaceship," Torch began. "Blood Wing wanted to go somewhere and he invited us. But we needed a pilot. Fortunately, that turned out to be Tiffany…Well sort of."

"Sort of?" Zartan asked.

"There was another personality change before takeoff," Monkeywrench explained.

FLASHBACK!

The Dreadnok formerly known as Road Pig/Donald/Tiffany was now dressed as a male pilot complete with hat and sunglasses. "This is Captain Ron!" He said in a cheerful voice as he piloted a small plane. "We're flying at an altitude of ten thousand feet give or take a few. But who cares? It's a beautiful day for flying. If you look at the left side the plane, you'll see ocean. On the right side, more ocean. And clouds. Real puffy clouds. But don't go out there and jump on them. You will fall right through them to your death. That's a lesson my Uncle Earl learned the hard way."

"So sit back, relax and enjoy this flight. Odds are fifty-fifty we might crash anyway or get shot down since this is an unregistered flight but who the hell cares about math anyway?"

"By the way if anyone has a margarita or some scotch Ol' Captain Ron wouldn't say no to a shot. Or four."

FLASHFORWARD!

"Okay how many idiots are in that Dreadnok's brain?" The Baroness asked.

"Every time you think a clown can't pop out of that car," Destro remarked. "Another does."

"That reminds me," Cobra Commander remarked. "We should have some kind of mental health program in Cobra Care."

"That goes without saying," Destro sighed.

"I mean we could make a fortune in that field alone," Cobra Commander went on.

"Especially around here," The Baroness quipped.

Torch spoke up. "Anyway, we ended up flying to this South American island resort that I never heard of."

"Not saying that much because it's you," Zartan rolled his eyes.

"I wanna say Tahiti but I know that's not right," Torch scratched his head. "Tampa! Yeah! We went to Tampa!"

"Torch you illiterate imbecile," Zartan groaned. "Tampa is in Florida! That's not in South America! That's part of the United States!"

"Well, it's the southern part of America," Monkeywrench reasoned. "South America!"

"Yeah!" Torch nodded.

"This is why we need new people," Cobra Commander grumbled.

"Blood Wing," Destro sighed. "Perhaps you should take over narrating this tale?"

Blood Wing continued. "Well the landing wasn't that smooth. Since we were technically we weren't on a registered flight path we couldn't land at an airport."

"Where did you land?" Cobra Commander asked.

"The highway on 45 South," Torch spoke up.

Cobra Commander sighed. "So you decided to be inconspicuous then?"

"Not as much as you think," Blood Wing remarked. "Lucky for us we landed right next to a motorcycle sales lot. Hot wired some of those babies and drove off. We were out of there before the police arrived."

"Next thing you know we're driving through a mall," Monkeywrench added. "And I mean an actual mall with stores and stuff."

"Luckily that was mostly abandoned," Blood Wing admitted.

"Yeah, we didn't hit any pedestrians until we were at least a mile away from the mall," Torch nodded. "Oh, it's okay. The people we hit were only reporters. They were doing some kind of story of how bad traffic was."

"Ironic," Destro remarked.

"Probably should not have been driving down that highway the wrong way," Blood Wing admitted. "Caused a few minor pileups and car crashes."

"Well, you definitely take your own life into your hands when you drive on the highway," Cobra Commander quipped.

"Especially when we're on the road," Torch nodded. "We decided to lay low when we saw this zoo off the next exit and decided to check it out. In hindsight we probably should have left the motorcycles in the parking lot."

"That's when things started going off the rails," Blood Wing admitted.

FLASHBACK!

A zoo in complete pandemonium. People being chased by lions, tigers and bears! (Oh my!) Lemurs driving golf carts. A popcorn machine exploding. Buildings were on fire. Monkeys and birds screaming. Monkeywrench zooming around on his motorcycle with a chimp riding behind him.

"I feel like BJ and the Bear!" Monkeywrench whooped. "Come on Bubbles! Let's haul ass to the gateways of Hell!"

"EEE! EEE!" The chimp cheered.

"WHERE ARE THE ZOOKEEPERS WHEN YOU NEED THEM?" A fat man screamed as he tried to climb a tree to get away from hungry lions.

Interesting question…

"Dude," Buzzer did a double take. "Did you just eat all those zookeepers?"

Blood Wing stood over the bodies of at least twenty people. There was blood everywhere and all over his clothes. "Maybe?"

"Dude…" Torch was with Buzzer. "Even Dracula knows when to say when!"

"I was hungry, okay?" Blood Wing snapped. "And I didn't kill the women. And that one guy who has a picture of his daughter in his wallet. I left them enough blood and there's a slight chance they will probably turn into vampires like me."

"WHO GAVE THAT GORILLA A CHAINSAW?" Someone screamed.

"What do you mean slight chance?" Buzzer snapped. "Wait don't they need to drink your blood to turn into vampires too?"

"That's a different species," Blood Wing admitted. "If I leave enough blood in a person there's a fifty-fifty shot my saliva which contains a mutating agent will affect their DNA. Again, I didn't want to kill everybody which is why I only partially drank so many of them."

"AAAAAAHHHH!" Ripper ran by being chased by giraffes. "WHY DID I OPEN THE GIRAFFE PADDOCK?"

Torch looked at Blood Wing. "Dude…I'm not usually one to judge people's lifestyles…But I think you have a problem."

"And when Torch says you have a problem," Buzzer added. "You have a problem!"

"AAAAAAHHH!" Ripper screamed.

"And so does Ripper," Torch remarked. "I told him not to open the giraffe paddock. Especially after he set off those firecrackers."

"Ooh that fat guy over there looks tempting," Blood Wing remarked as he saw a fat tourist.

"Aren't you worried about cholesterol?" Torch asked.

"Say that again to me after you've eaten a few boxes full of donuts!" Blood Wing snapped. "Excuse me!" He went after the person.

"OH MY GOD!" Someone screamed. "THE MEERKATS ARE ON FIRE!"

FLASHFORWARD!

"I admit it," Torch remarked. "That got a bit out of hand even by our standards."

"Oh my God!" Mindbender gasped.

"It's not that shocking Mindbender," Cobra Commander remarked. "I mean the Dreadnoks are animals anyway. And Blood Wing…"

"Don't say it," Blood Wing glared at him.

"No! I'm gasping about Major Bludd!" Mindbender spoke up. "I remember now! He got put in a body cast when the roof collapsed on him on an old base we abandoned."

"That's not the only one you abandoned!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I remember that! You left me behind in the rubble!"

"And then you went on a carjacking demolition spree that would impress the director of those Fast and Furious movies," Destro realized.

"And I ended up on Garbage Island!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Yes, it's coming back to me now! Very vividly!"

"While you were off playing Commander Crusoe," Destro kept talking. "We had a series of coups and were eventually betrayed by our subordinates. We were forced to leave our base behind."

"We left Zanzibar behind," Zartan remembered. "He got arrested."

"And so did Major Bludd," Destro added. "He was in the infirmary. You know? Still in a body cast."

"Mindbender," The Baroness realized. "Why didn't you just use one of your machines to instantly fix him like you did to us?"

"I just forgot," Mindbender shrugged.

"Well, we forgot about Major Bludd and he's now a prisoner of GI Joe," Destro admitted.

"To be fair," Cobra Commander remarked. "He was an easy person to forget."

"I'M SITTING RIGHT HERE YOU KNOW?" The current Major Bludd snapped.

"So am I!" Firefly waved. "Just saying."

"Oh my God!" Major Bludd gasped. "I forgot you were there! I'm sorry!"

"Don't be," Firefly shrugged. "I usually go for being invisible most of the time. It's my goal in life for nobody to notice or remember me. Most of the time!"

"But not in a meeting of Cobra High Command," Major Bludd realized.

Cobra Commander then noticed something. "Firefly? How long have you been here?"

"I see what you mean," Major Bludd said to Firefly.

The Baroness sighed and looked at the Dreadnoks and Blood Wing. "So…You destroyed a zoo?"

"Pretty much," Torch admitted. "When the cops arrived, we used the rampaging animals as cover and flew the coup so to speak. Somehow, we managed to evade the authorities and hide out in this little backwater motel. For about half the night. Until the explosion."

"Which we did not cause by the way!" Buzzer pointed out. "Somebody down in 12 B decided to set up a meth lab. And then forgot about the no smoking rule."

"It was very inconvenient," Blood Wing admitted. "So we had to get up and try to flee before the police showed up. But wouldn't you know, they were already doing a drug bust on the other side of the motel…"

"I'm guessing a firefight was involved," Destro interrupted. "With actual fire."

"And not just because of my blowtorch," Torch nodded. "Yeah. That motel burned down faster than a gasoline-soaked box of matches."

"That's how Ripper got those burns on his arm," Blood Wing explained. "Again, he's in the hospital wing."

"Huh," Zandar remarked.

"Pretty casual way of remarking to a teammate's injury," Blood Wing told him.

"Oh no," Zandar waved as he pointed to his phone. "I was looking up information online about our old Major Bludd and Zanzibar. Apparently our old Major Bludd died of his injuries long before his trial. And Zanzibar was sent to some secret prison somewhere."

"That is good news," Zartan grinned. "I hate our uncle."

"We all hate our uncle!" Zarana added. "Even more than our other relatives."

"I don't need to tell you," Zartan added. "That's some pretty stiff competition there."

"And we don't have to worry about our old Major Bludd trying to get revenge on us," Mindbender added. "That is good news."

"Yeah. Great," Major Bludd grumbled.

"Anyway," Torch went on. "We managed to escape and take off on the highway…"

"Where you caused a few more accidents," Destro interrupted.

"Only one minor pile up," Torch told him. "The bloke who cut me off totally had it coming!"

"We ended up hiding out at this other abandoned mall," Blood Wing kept going. "Well mostly abandoned. There were a few stores in there and still a Macy's. But nobody batted an eye at us parking our bikes in the food court."

"That security guard was really friendly," Monkeywrench nodded. "Told us where to get the best tacos! And he was right! Nice bloke!"

Blood Wing explained. "Apparently, he was not only a motorcycle aficionado, he had gotten a pink slip and only had the job until the end of the week. Cutbacks."

Torch blinked. "That explains why the bloke had us burn down his manager's office."

"And in retrospect why the mall burned down," Monkeywrench added.

"Of course, it did," Destro sighed.

"So Bruce…That was the security guard's name," Torch went on. "Bruce helped us escape and we hid out at this bar he knows. Kind of a dive but a real homey atmosphere. We had some brews and food. Played a fun game of Fling Bat."

"What now?" The Baroness asked.

"A game where they threw bats at each other to try to knock cans off of their heads," Blood Wing sighed. "It's exactly what it sounds like."

"Probably shouldn't have had Captain Ron play," Torch realized.

FLASHBACK!

"Hey batta, batta, batta, swing!" Captain Ron threw the bat at Ripper's head. Somehow however it hit some lights on the ceiling and swung back, knocking Captain Ron on the head making him fall to the ground.

"Ron!" Buzzer gasped. "You okay?"

"W-Wh-Who's Ron?" A familiar voice warbled.

"We have returned!" Donald spoke soon after.

FLASHFORWARD!

"So Tiffany is Road Pig and Donald again?" Zartan sighed.

"Not exactly," Torch paused. "They were Donald and Road Pig again for a brief moment. After we left Bruce at the bar, we decided it might be time to come home."

"After we saw our pictures on the television," Blood Wing added. "Saying we were on Flordia's Most Wanted."

"It was time for a strategic retreat," Monkeywrench nodded. "We decided to go back to the airport and steal another plane. Whoo! Was that a headache!"

"Especially for the crew that had to clean up their mess," Blood Wing remarked. "Anyway during the escape Road Pig and Donald banged their head and…"

"Hey guys!" The Dreadnok formerly known as Road Pig/Donald/Tiffany/ Captain Ron walked in. His head was shaved bald and he was wearing a blue mask, blue superhero tights with gold and there was a snake symbol on them.

"Who the hell is this?" Cobra Commander pointed.

"I'm Captain Cobra!" The Dreadnok made a dramatic pose. "Defender of Cobra and the Cobra Way! As well as grape soda, donuts, and really good cupcakes!"

"Okay the cupcake angle is new…" Zandar blinked.

Destro sighed. "I miss Tiffany."

"Me too," Zartan groaned.

"I've made a huge mistake," Major Bludd groaned.