"I've been thinking...," I started, trying to think carefully about what I was going to say and how to not tumble from one awkward conversation into the next.
"About?" Carlos prompted, seeming as careful in question as I was in speaking. Maybe he had an idea what this conversation was going to venture into.
"Us," I blurted clumsily, realizing how that might have sounded, so I corrected myself. "About how we met and then ...parted."
I wasn't sure if my addition made sense, but Carlos nodded, so maybe it did? I don't know what I expected, some prompting, more questions, something to keep the conversation going. Whatever it was, it didn't come. He just sat opposite of me, the game of chess long forgotten, and looked at me. His eyes were fixed on me, his gaze soft and cautious, yet penetrating. When he didn't say anything, and also seemed like he wasn't going to anytime soon. So, it was up to me to lead this talk.
"I have been thinking about it a lot lately," I admitted and saw Carlos's facial expression remaining the same. Was this good? Was it bad? Was I digging my own grave?
"And what was the conclusion?" Carlos asked, surprising me with his assumption that there had been an issue that required a conclusion. I mean, he was right. I just wasn't used to guys being so perceptive.
"Can I be honest with you?" I asked, after giving his question some thought. Usually, I would have skit around the topic for a few sentences and eventually would have come up with some non-committal answer. But something inside me said that this would get me as far as I had come by now. And maybe that was really no solution. To anything.
"The truth shall set you free."
"I... okay." I wasn't sure what he was trying to say with such a cryptic reply, but seeing as he was smiling, I guess it was meant as a joke which bottom line I didn't quite get. I took his reply as carrying on, so I took a deep breath, preparing myself for saying what I was about to say. This was my make-or-break-moment.
"I want you," I stated and saw his eyebrows hit hide in his hairline. "Wait, maybe that um…was a little strong. Not that it isn't true but…maybe I need to sound less…creepy and weird," I rushed on, feeling like I was babbling just to not have silence between us all of a sudden. Or even to give him a chance to intercept. "I can't get you out of my bed," I tried another attempt, realizing my mistake. "I mean, head. I can't get you out of my head."
Was there a hole I could get sucked up in? Because this was going as well as I had expected. This conversation all by itself was proof why I really didn't have any desire to go forward. I wanted to place my arms on the table in front of me and hide my head. This was worse than a nightmare.
"Not a lot of situations have presented themselves that would require me to get out of your bed. Mainly because I would need to be in it to start with," Carlos commented, almost cool and with a hint of amusement. Actually, scratch the cool, he was only amused.
"This is going as well as I had expected it to go," I said my earlier thought out loud. "This is why I wanted to avoid this topic altogether, for the rest of my life."
I saw him laugh at my last comment, a reaction I hadn't expected. Neither for my initial confession, nor for my latest admission. Maybe he saw this a lot easier and also less-serious than what it felt to me? Maybe I was making a complete fool of myself by actually trying to have this kind of conversation because he didn't see us in any of that capacity? This seemed to be more and more of a mistake the longer I actually thought about it and stumbled from one dumb statement to another. By the end of this I should maybe be glad if he and I were able to work with each other without any weird awkwardness. Though, the way this seemed to go right now, I had a feeling it would be more who felt awkward and he just…brushed it off. Oh God, this had a mistake written all over it. I should have never listened to Lester to begin with.
"Here's a suggestion," Carlos intercepted my thoughts, seeming less humored than just a moment ago. "Maybe we can start at the beginning and work our way towards why you wanted to avoid that conversation."
"That's the beginning for you?" I wondered, seeing him smile at me.
"It seems to be the most pressing issue in your mind," he clarified. "But we start wherever you feel most… comfortable with."
"I realize all of a sudden, I would feel most comfortable pretending we never had this conversation, and I never mentioned anything," I admitted.
"As much as I would like to accommodate that request, I feel you need to get a few things of your chest and out in the open."
I looked at him for a moment and needed to realize that he was right. While it was a nice thought of living in denial-land for the rest of my life and sort of pretend there wasn't even a small attraction between us-or even chemistry if no attraction-it would be pointless. And maybe also unhealthy.
"Let's start by discussing your impression on what happened. Like… honestly, without worrying about what I might say, feel or accuse you of."
"So, instead of telling me how you really feel, you want me to make that first step, saving you from… possible pain?" he asked and didn't seem very convinced about my idea and suggestion. Not that I could blame him. I started it and instead of actually getting into my big girl panties, turned the tables and wanted to feel out how he felt about things. While it hadn't been my plan, it certainly wasn't a bad unintentional defense.
"I…yes?" I asked, hating the fact that I sounded so uncertain. But I was and felt so out of my depth with this conversation that I felt I could be best if I let him lead things. And maybe it was time to admit I was a coward. But in all fairness, I had only led conversations about matters of the heart twice in my life, and both times that conversation ended in emotional pain and heartbreak. So, could anyone really blame me? Not that Carlos was aware of any of that.
"Are you asking?" he wondered, amused, and I was wondering whether this was going anywhere?
When I must have taken too long with a reply or reaction, he decided nevertheless to continue, surprising me with doing so.
"Here's the deal. We'll be having this conversation right now and for the next...," he started, looking at his watch on his wrist and went on, "…ten minutes we'll lay it bare, regardless of what could come out of it. I won't blame you; you won't blame me and no one accuses anyone of anything. Deal?"
I just nodded, not sure whether I was going to like what was about to come. But then again, that hadn't been his question.
"What happened on the way back to Trenton wasn't a spur of the moment, and I am almost certain I told you so back then. While I certainly haven't been thinking about the situation or you every single day, I would be lying if I said I wasn't spending a significant amount of time thinking about either. And let me tell you, some days you make it incredibly hard for me to not just walk into your office and have my way with you, especially when you wear one of these really tight dresses."
"So why don't you?" I asked boldly and not able to hide the smile on my lips. The fact that I needed to swallow hard when he mentioned walking into my office and having his way with me was going to be ignored for now.
Carlos let out a deep breath that almost felt like a sigh, and I needed to admit it seemed uncharacteristic for him. The deep breath was followed shortly after by a sudden laugh. "Because I promised you I would never talk about it and wouldn't let it interfere with our professional lives."
Thinking about what he just said, I needed to realize that Lester was right. Because of what we had discussed back at the airfield in Trenton, he had stayed away and gave me the space I had asked him for. I studied Carlos for a moment, realizing how he didn't seem to be bothered by anything he had said. While I had said three different things in three sentences and still decided on trying to backpedal, he sat opposite of me completely cool and collected, not affected by the least and not even worried.
"Has any of it changed?" he finally asked when I remained silent for a moment. I was confused by his question, especially seeing how I had started this whole conversation.
"You were listening when I said that I want you, right?" I asked, feeling bold for a moment.
"Yes, but just because you feel like it doesn't mean you want to act on it. You might still have your reservations about… this being a work-environment or whatever it is that actually has you worried."
Wasn't it funny that after all these months, all these conversations with Lester and also Vince yesterday and all my arguing and denying, I myself actually didn't know anymore what I had been worried to begin with? Yes, it was a work place and while a lot of the guys at RangeMan were huge gossips, it wasn't as if any of them had given me the impression to gain advantages when hooking up with Carlos. As a matter of fact, Lester himself had pointed out that there weren't really any advantages for me to benefit from just because I was sleeping with the boss.
"Would it be weird if I said I don't even know anymore?" I asked, voicing my inner monologue.
Carlos laughed for a moment, probably not even questioning me or my thoughts.
"What is it that you want than?" he eventually asked, and I was on the crisp of starting another inner monologue, talking myself through the options and possible answers, getting caught up on details and small things which probably were just another excuse. I looked at him, while I thought about his question seriously for a second, realizing that the answer was so simple and right there. Smiling at him, I leaned forward, as if sharing a secret with him, before I almost whispered, "I want you to walk into my office and have your way with me. Repeatedly and for however long you see this working."
His loud laugh seemed like all the confirmation I really needed this moment and wasn't that all that counted?