Title: I'll Remember You
Rating: PG-13/T
Originally posted: 13th October 2021
Originally written for: buries/peaked
Characters/Pairings: Bucky/Natasha
Notes: for Tropefest Exchange 2021 on Dreamwidth and AO3.

All those years of not knowing, not remembering, never being sure of what was fact or fiction. Instructions, reports, data in and data out, as if he were more machine than man. It was easier than the hazy dreams of those he thought he used to know. Always hurt more when he dared to try to hold on to something that might just be more real than what he was living through.

Memory wipes, memory loss, the painful memory retrieval process, just trying to define what actually belonged in his head and what didn't. There were times when he thought he truly had gone mad, others when he thought it might be preferable to lose his mind than try so hard to keep it together somehow.

Nobody should have gone through what Bucky had to endure. At the hands of HYDRA, he was turned into a monster, a mindless soldier, but it was the fragments of his own self that he managed to hold onto that hurt the most. Seeing Steve again, it took some time, but he started to realise he was more than just Soldat, that he was Bucky once. A friend, a brother, part of something good. He wanted to get back to that, but the road was never going to be anything but rocky and uphill.

Shuri had been key. The genius kid sister of the Hero-King of Wakanda. Bucky was pretty sure he could never have imagined someone like her being a large part of his salvation. The things she understood, science and medicine and technology. She had the power to help, to break the cycle, to flush out the bad things, the programming, the darkness, and chip away until she found and unlocked all the good parts.

In-between the light that had existed in Bucky's life before the war, and the darkness that had engulfed him at the hands of HYDRA, one bright spot blinked like a beacon in the desolate wasteland of his life as Zimniy Soldat.

"Natalia."

He greeted her that way on purpose, the day she showed up in Wakanda with Steve and Sam, ready to face the incoming apocalypse that always seemed imminent in the Avengers line of work. Knowing she went by Natasha these days, knowing the name would only mean anything to her, and not another soul present. He hadn't even told Shuri what he had discovered about Nat. It was nobody's business but theirs.

At first, she didn't react at all. After everything they had been through, Bucky wasn't sure he could blame her. All those years ago, in the Red Room, when he had been part of the training regime that had made her what she was today. Black Widow, that was what they called her, but to Bucky she would always be Natalia. He hoped, rather than believed, that she might still be able to look at him and call him...

"James?" she said, swallowing visibly hard. "Do you...? You remember?"

Slowly, he nodded his head, not quite managing a smile as the tears in her eyes tore at his heart. Then she was running, bodily throwing herself into his arms. He caught her easily, despite the surprise of it all, held her tight and told her he was sorry, over and over and over until the emotion took his voice away entirely.

They only had one night. It could never make up for all they had lost, all they had been through, but they did make it count. Shaking hands and hot tears, coupled with promises of love and every kind of unneeded apology, as they made love together. It should have been the start of something new and everlasting. They ought to have known better than to think so.

When the morning dawned, it brought with it the fight of their lives. Thanos and his minions, a whole army of creatures to cut them down where they stood. All those aligned on the side of good fought valiantly, but in the end, it was no use. The Titan had his moment of glory and then...

Bucky never could make sense of that particular gap in his memory. The way Steve and the others told it, after the thing they called The Snap, some people just ceased to be. Thanks to Bruce Banner and a second Snap, five years later, they returned.

What actually happened to the lost people, nobody could say. Bucky had no memory of it at all. As far as he knew, he passed out after one crazy battle and woke up just in time to face another. From what he was told, it was how it felt for the others too. No point in dwelling on it, just finish up the fight, celebrate the win.

The problem was that when the fight was over, there was still not much worth celebrating, because he had lost her again.

"There just wasn't a chance to tell you before," said Steve sadly. "She was a hero, Buck. She saw an opportunity to do what was right and sacrificed herself to get the job done. Nobody could've been more important to this fight. We couldn't have brought you back, we couldn't have saved everybody else without her."

To Bucky, it didn't exactly seem like a fair trade. He wondered what the point had been in bringing him back if Nat was gone. Of course, that was discounting all the others who had been returned and the whole saving the world part, but none of that really made him feel too much better.

On top of the pain of losing her, his best friend was getting ready to walk out on him too. Not that Bucky could blame Steve for the decision he had made. Going back to put the stones where they each came from, he was then going to stay in the past. Go find Peggy, live the life he always should have had.

"I know it's selfish..."

"No, it's not." Bucky shook his head, his hand on Steve's shoulder as he forced a smile. "You deserve it. Trust me, if I could do the same, I would."

Steve nodded his head. "I know, and for what it's worth, I'm sorry it's not possible."

A look of understanding, nothing short of brotherly love, passed between them, and then Steve took a step back in time and disappeared.

Losing him hurt, of course it did, but Bucky was braced for anything after the latest loss of Nat. Maybe he just thought he was braced for anything. He never could've predicted the true outcome of Steve returning the stones, specifically the soul stone.

With balance restored in Vormir, the sacrifice needed to take the stone was spat back out of the beyond. One second, Bucky was watching Steve disappear into the past, the next directing Sam towards the elderly version of the man they once called Cap. A moment more and he turned around to find her standing there, eyes wide and expression fearful, even when she met his gaze.

"Natalia?" he said breathlessly, seriously wondering if he was dreaming somehow.

She didn't reply, didn't move, just blinked at him silently, but it was her, he knew it was. In an instant, he crossed the space between them, held her tight and told her how much he missed her, how much he loved her, what a miracle it was to have her back. Bucky never thought he could be so happy, or so heartbroken in the very next moment, when he pulled back to see her face and recognised the horribly vacant expression of her misty green eyes.

"I'm sorry," she said shakily. "Who are you?"

The irony wasn't lost on Bucky. A man who had lived from mind-wipe to mind-wipe for so long, that had fought so hard to have all the falsehoods and traps removed from his brain, all the real, good memories retrieved so he could start over, who lost the love of his life just when he got her back. Now, finally, she was returned to him and she had no idea who he was.

Truth be told, she had no idea who anyone was, nor anything else she ought to have known. Natalia Romanova was returned to the world a blank slate, with nothing to go on except that very name. The forces that be, whatever and whoever they were, they sure did seem to have a strange sense of humour, Bucky thought, but where Nat was concerned, he would take what he could get.

It was as much a miracle that she trusted him on sight as it was that she had come back at all. He could only assume that it was some remnant of a memory that made her know he was one person she could put her faith in. If her instincts were still that strong, then there was hope. Bucky had survived on less before now.

Before Steve went back to Peggy, he had helped Bucky get himself set up in town. A little money to get by for a while, an apartment to call his own. It was only a one-bedroom place, but he gave that up for Nat without even thinking about it. Spending nights on the couch or the living room floor was no big deal. Bucky was better off not getting too much sleep anyway. It only messed with his head.

It became weirdly domestic, him and Nat. More like being a normal couple than they'd ever been before, though nothing ever happened between them. At least, not for almost a month. In that time, between them, they rediscovered what life was all about. Figuring out a morning routine, running through the park together, shopping at the grocery store, complaining about the crap on TV. When she smiled and laughed, she was the Nat he remembered fondly, which hurt more than he could bear sometimes, but he kept it from her.

They never talked about the past. She didn't ask much and he had no idea where to begin in explaining anyway. The Infinity War, The Snap, The Avengers, her history and his, the Red Room, and more. Bucky knew all that would be too much for most ordinary people. After all that Nat had been through, he figured letting her have some normal time was the kindest thing. It didn't exactly suck for him either, except for the part where he loved her so much it was killing him to play best friends. He would do it, of course, for her. Always for her.

That didn't mean it was ever easy.

"Something smells good," she said as she came into the kitchen.

Glancing up from the pan on the stove, Bucky tried not to stare and found it almost impossible. The robe was too short, he had thought so before, but coupled with the fact it wasn't all that well tied and water was dripping from the ends of her tied-up hair, the droplets sliding down her neck into places he wasn't supposed to think about...

"Uh, Ciorba Radautean," he said, eyes returning to the pot on the stove as he cleared his throat before he could go on. "Recipe I learned in Romania."

"Ciorba Radautean," Nat repeated, pulling herself up on the stool by the counter and peering into the cooking pot. "Some kind of soup?" she checked.

"Pretty much. Mostly chicken."

"Sounds good," she said, nodding approvingly, smiling just the same.

Times like these, it would be so easy just to tell her everything, or just to kiss her and hope to God it was that simple. That she would just fall into his arms like a fairy tale and they would live happily ever after. Yes, because life was just that kind. It certainly never had been so far for Bucky. He couldn't imagine it starting now.

"What?" she asked, clearly noticing his conflicted expression. "Did I say something wrong?"

"No, no," he told her fast. "You never do anything wrong," he promised her. "I was just..."

"Remembering things that I don't," she said for him, face falling. "You know, it might be easier if you would talk to me about the past. Our past," she amended. "Bucky, I know there are things you're not telling me. Who am I kidding, you're not telling me anything," she said, rolling her eyes as she hopped down from her stool.

His eyes were closed as she walked away, presumably to the bedroom to get dressed. It wasn't just what she was saying that hurt, not just hearing her call him by a name she would never use if she knew everything. He hated that she was so oblivious, but hated more the idea of telling her of all the pain and tragedy she had lived through up to yet. Surely, it was better for her to get to start over, free of all that trauma? Most of the time, he thought so. Moments like this, he doubted himself.

A half-hour later, it was almost as if the awkward moment never even happened. It was always the same. The handful of times when she had questioned their past and he had gone silent on her, it always ended with one of them walking away, and then, a short while later, the two of them picking up where they left off as if nothing had changed at all.

They sat down to dinner, across the tiny table from each other, ate their Ciorba Radautean, talked about the weather, things that needed adding to the grocery list, and some movie on TV tonight that they could watch and would probably end up mocking mercilessly. It was so nice and ordinary. Painfully so. Bucky just hadn't realised how much Nat was feeling it too. Not until tonight.

"I dream about you sometimes."

She had never told him that before. Bucky only knew about the nightmares, the yelling and screaming and thrashing around in the dark. The times when he went to her, wrapped her up in his arms and promised her it was okay until she finally slept peacefully once again. She never seemed to remember in the morning, or if she did, she never talked about it and he never asked.

"Sometimes they're nightmares," she admitted, glancing up from her empty dish to meet his eyes, "but other times, they're definitely dreams... maybe even memories?"

She was asking him to tell her the truth, something he always vowed to do when she asked questions. Of course, that didn't mean he was all that forthcoming when she didn't ask something that explicitly demanded a straight answer about the past. For the most part, she didn't know the right questions to elicit responses he wouldn't want to give, until now.

"Maybe," he said, nodding his head. "We... we've known each other a long time, off and on."

Nat nodded too, smiled a little, glad to feel like she was getting somewhere in regaining her memories, he supposed. On his part, he would as much love for her to remember as to never retrieve what was lost. Bucky wasn't sure he had ever been so conflicted about anything in his whole, too-long life.

Getting up from her seat, Nat came around to his side of the table. Her hand at his shoulder made him look up at her, her smile as nervous as it was beautiful, reminding him too much of the first time she ever kissed him. It was literally a lifetime ago, but the memory was as large in his mind now as anything ever had been.

"Natalia..." he began, but she shook her head.

"It's okay," she told him definitely. "I just... I have to know," she explained, leaning down towards him, her lips a mere inch from his own. "Please?"

Closing the final gap between them, Bucky allowed himself to kiss her. After all, she was practically begging him to do so, and surely, one kiss couldn't do that much harm. Once again, he should have known better. To start was one thing, to stop was entirely another, and when she seemed so determined to take a hold of him and never let go, Bucky didn't have it in him to push away.

He had missed this, missed her, the real Natalia, for far too long. She felt the same, there in his arms, in his lap, fitting perfectly. The way she kissed him, the way she touched him, it was all exactly the same, and yet, he knew. He knew that she didn't really understand what she was doing.

"Natalia..." he said again, forcing himself to ease her body away from his own.

"It's okay," she said breathlessly, holding on tighter. "James, please. It's okay."

He felt his whole body tense at the sound of his given name from her lips. Then his hands were at her shoulders and he was pushing her back, just enough to meet her eyes. In the dancing green warmth, he saw the truth he should have known the moment she spoke his name, but he hadn't quite dared believe. He never told her that, not since she had been back. She had only called him Bucky, the only name she had for him, until now. Until...

"You... you remember?" he asked, unsure if he was laughing or crying as she nodded madly, tears pouring from her own eyes.

In a multitude of languages, he began to tell her over and over how much he loved and adored her, sure she was saying it back, but hardly able to hear over the sound of his own pounding heart, and the rushing elation of having her right back where she belonged. His Natalia, all of her, back in his arms, breathing life into the shell he had been without her.

Perhaps he had done much the same for her, in his way, Bucky wasn't sure. All he knew was that, for as long as this could last - an hour, a day, a year, the rest of their lives - he would embrace it. He would love Nat forever and he would never, ever forget that.