Evermore

Chapter 5

This is me Trying – Taylor Swift

I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere
Fell behind all my classmates and I ended up here
Pouring out my heart to a stranger

Isabella was not the first in the year to get hit by the thought of OWLs like a train. But OWLs did hit her like a train, one she probably could have seen coming.

January became February, and February became March, and March became April. Isabella felt time move fast, the ribbons knotting into events that marked each month. A crescendo of events that were really most likely leading to her breakdown.

She got herself burnt in January.

In February, Isabella got asked out by Rory Firth, from Hufflepuff, for Valentine's Day, for perhaps the most uneventful date she'd ever had. It was very clear to her, the moment they left for Hogsmeade, that all Rory Firth wanted to do was to get into Isabella's pants. Isabella had assumed this was the case, and in a rare moment of lapsed judgement, let him, for what Isabella afterwards constituted as a massive disappointment and a major regret. At the same time, Fred had a funny attitude in tutoring sessions, acting weirder than normal, and it was making it hard for Isabella to get him to work properly because something just felt off.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Isabella asked him, eyebrows furrowing.

"Yeah," Fred wasn't quite looking at her, which was the worrying part. It was always like he was trying to catch her eye, but eye contact often made Isabella feel nauseous. And now Fred wasn't trying to catch her eye.

"You're doing quite well with all of this, you know-"

"It's not that."

"Oh. Okay, well let's switch to Charms now. I wanna see-"

"Why are you going on a date with Rory Firth?"

"Hmm? Oh." Isabella's brows drew closer at the interruption. "He asked, I guess. Figured why not. Why do you ask?"

"I just think… that there are better dates out there."

"Oh. Well, I didn't think too hard about it. Adrianne says I should get back out there again. I think she just thinks I need to-" Isabella's eyes flashed over, reminded herself who she was talking to, and realised that Fred probably did not care that much. "Why's this any of your business anyway?" They finished early that Friday.

When they returned to lessons that Monday, however, Isabella was in a mood just as bad as they left off. It was the first class in a while that Isabella and Fred did not greet each other, and other than directions from Isabella, did not converse. The situation was fixed after Adrianne forced Isabella to discuss the bad date and all of a sudden Fred's attitude disappeared.

In March, Isabella came across Annabelle Flint in compromising positions in broom cupboards several times, resulting in many lost house points and one detention. As a result, Annabelle tried to get what she deemed as 'revenge' on Isabella. They had a major row in the common room about it, and then Annabelle tried to poison Isabella's morning coffee with a love potion, most likely to get Isabella to embarrass herself. If it weren't for Jonathon, who had watched the sneaky witch drop the stuff into Isabella's drink, Isabella wouldn't have for a second hesitated with her drink, and so now Isabella had trust issues about testing her drinks before she had them. Raging, Isabella unashamedly took the low road and went straight to Fred and George at their table.

"Good morning, Izzy-belly," Fred greeted, patting the empty space on the bench beside him. His flaming hair was unkempt and wild and his voice was a little bit deeper than it always was; it was clear he'd just woken up not so long ago. "To what do-"

"Please don't call me that," Isabella cut, dropping into the seat and pushing her hair behind her ears. "Look, I was wondering if you two would help me out." Without hesitation, the boys both reached into their school bags. Isabella watched hesitantly.

"Say no more, we've got a whole bunch of explosives for you," Fred said, but Isabella cut him off again.

"No, not that kind. Well- okay, listen, Annabelle Flint just tried to poison me and-"

"What?" Fred and George both snapped to look at Isabella, and the noise was loud enough that several people looked over. Isabella shushed the pair.

"Why?" George asked.

"I think 'cause I keep catching her in brooms cupboards. And I gave her detention. Anyways, I think she's made me her archnemesis? Why else would she be acting like such a little-" Isabella peeked over at Ginny, who was eating her eggs next to Fred and listening to their conversation "- b-i-t-c-h?"

"I don't think we need to be spelling-" Fred had started to say, but George frowned across the table.

"A bitca?" Isabella sighed, rubbing a hand at her temples. She was starting to regret her decision to head to the twins but ploughed on.

"I would just like for her to leave me alone. She's particularly fond of her shoes, her eyebrows and apparently, she just loves a broom closet." And so Isabella let the twins do what they needed. She wasn't proud of it, but she also kind of was.

April marked two events. Fred and George's birthday was the first, and Isabella felt she'd become close enough to the boys across the last four months, and also just liked them enough to give them a gift – a Quidditch-themed board game, which went down a treat with them. The pair swore they'd leave Isabella alone for their birthday prank, which they did (and Isabella was thankful; they'd sneaked slugs in everywhere. Annabelle Flint wouldn't stop finding them for a week). The second was her careers meeting with Snape, where the professor told her, without hesitation, that he believed she would be able to do any single profession offered, but he would give her detention if she chose a rubbish one.

"I'm looking to become a Healer," Isabella assured the Professor. "They offer an early acceptance program I was hoping to get into? So I can relax around NEWTs."

"A Healer?" Snape nodded. "You will need NEWTs in Potions, Transfiguration, Charms, Herbology and Defence against the Dark Arts. A minimum of Exceeds Expectations in each. For the early acceptance, you apply from the start of next year. You will require two letters of recommendation and they will ask for you to take an exam."

"Yes, Professor."

"No doubt, Miss Yaxley, will it be achievable. You will have your selection of professors to write those letters, myself included." And so with that, she felt relieved enough to be on the right track.

But on top of all these events, good or bad, Isabella could admit she was struggling with the weight of OWLs on her shoulders. She was frequently getting migraines, she felt so nauseous so often her appetite had disappeared, and whilst she knew her friends knew, and were trying to inconspicuously fix things, Isabella's armour came down and she was somewhere not far from isolating herself and shutting down. Isabella was barely there, her head always in her notes, or trying to redirect her friends to studying, or rushing off for prefect duties that weren't always prefect duties. Or, she'd turn it back on them, because Isabella was worried about them. She knew that Daniella was pulling hair from the back of her scalp anytime she took a practice paper, and that Adrianne got upset with herself every time she struggled with a theory, and Isabella was just trying to keep the ship sailing.

And so time was also marked by the little, routine events. Isabella found herself looking forward to every tutoring session she had with Fred. He'd come a long way since they'd first started, but Isabella mostly just found herself enjoying his company. She could admire the way he applied himself and took in every grain of knowledge Isabella shared, but she could also admire how Fred just made her laugh. Isabella was not the type of person who laughed easily, but the first time Fred pulled the sound out of herself shocked Isabella. It was a nice break from forcing herself to work, she thought, and it was as close to a break as Isabella thought she would get.

Isabella's breakdown finally came in mid-April. Deep down, Isabella knew it had been building slowly and steadily for months, waiting to strike and stick its teeth into her when she was least ready for it. It fully hit her hard a few days after her careers meeting, when she was waiting for Fred to join her for that night's study session. He was running late, which happened every so often, which then left Isabella alone with her thoughts whilst she waited. The classroom was quiet, and Isabella found herself staring through the classroom window onto the school grounds. She had initially been thinking about the schoolwork left to do for that week, as there were now only two weeks left before the first OWL examination. Then it just hit her like a smack in the face.

I can't do this. Why did I ever think I could? Isabella took a deep intake of air. Although she was known to be a well-performing student, one of the best in the year, Isabella's study results did not come easy to her. She often found herself studying into the later hours of the evening, until their candles had withered down to the last flickers of flame. Then, she often took her work with her to breakfast, too. Isabella knew that her work ethic was too vigorous, but it got the results she needed. The only defence Isabella had for herself was her smarts; because giving herself options was her only way out of the Yaxley manor.

But it was so hard, trying to get her brain to break down theories and wand movements and pronunciations. It was so tiring, trying to make sure she understood every minute idea they learned, and then Isabella always felt that she had to pass it on. Her friends were always asking her for help, to check their work, to revise topics together, and she had to try all over again. And Isabella for the most part didn't mind; anything that could distract her brain was a welcome distraction. But right now, studying was all she had to live for, and what was the point? Her head hurt all the time, there was surely no way she was going to pass anything, let alone get what she needed to get out. And when Isabella had no way out, no escape, what was she going to do? It was pointless trying to force her smarts.

Isabella couldn't do it. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't breathe. There was no way out. She couldn't-

"Izzie? Can you hear me? If you can, just focus on my voice, okay? I'm going to start counting now." A calming, male voice was breaking through her thoughts, but Isabella couldn't focus. She couldn't do it. She was just so bad at everything. How she got this far-

"One, two, three, four, five. One, two, three, four, five. One, two, three, four, five." And the voice kept repeating itself, mixing with the voice inside of Isabella's head, both of them fighting for her attention until eventually, her own head quietened, and the outside voice with a hand on her arm brought her back to the world. Isabella's eyes slowly opened to see Fred kneeling on the floor next to her, his fiery red hair falling in his face as he leaned over Isabella.

"Fred?" she mumbled weakly, pushing herself to sit up. Fred moved his arm to support her back.

"It's okay," Fred replied softly. "You just had a panic attack."

"A what?"

"A panic attack. My brother Percy gets them frequently when he gets stressed." He stopped talking for a moment, and they made eye contact. "Is everything okay?"

"No," Isabella responded sadly. It came out more hopeless than she thought. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get you involved, I just-"

"Isabella, it's ok." It came out firmly. "Your emotional well-being is important to me." Isabella didn't know what it was about that phrase, and it might have just been her weakened emotional state, but she burst out crying on the spot. Hesitantly, Fred wrapped his arms around Isabella and pulled her close to him. Isabella rested her head on Fred's chest, shaking as the sob wrecked through her.

"I just don't understand," she cried. "I'm so overwhelmed. I can't do this. I'm going to fail."

"You're not going to fail," Fred assured her, stroking a hand up and down Isabella's back. "Of course you feel overwhelmed. There's so much work to do."

"There is," she wailed. "I just don't think I can do it."

"You can do it. There's nothing you couldn't do, Isabella."

"I can't; there's too much. I'm going to fail, and I'll be stuck! I'll-" Isabella couldn't quite put what she wanted to say into words, and the sobs renewed themselves.

"I know it's a lot, but you are capable, Isabella. You're good at what you do, I promise you. I think we should go get you a calming drought."

"No!" Isabella objected. She was still crying. "I'll be fine, I-"

"We're going to get you a calming drought," Fred said. "Can you stand up?"

"I don't want to go to the infirmary," Isabella told him. "I want to go to bed."

"Then we're going to Snape, he'll have some cooked up."

"No professors. I just-"

"I'm not doing nothing here, Isabella. If we don't go to see someone now, I'm going straight to McGonagall the moment I take you back."

"You don't understand, I-"

"I don't care. It's okay to need help, Isabella. Either way, I'm going to find an adult."

"Weasley? Yaxley?" A voice in the corridor interrupted their bickering. "What is going on in here?" Isabella and Fred both looked at Professor McGonagall, who dropped to their level when she saw the state of Isabella.

"Isabella had a panic attack," Fred explained. He had now relaxed his grip against Isabella, who was now reduced to sniffling as she turned herself towards Fred. "I was trying to talk her into some calming drought."

"Isabella, why don't we go to the infirmary?" The professor asked, in a tone more gentle than both Isabella and Fred were used to hearing.

"No, I don't want to go. I just need to sleep," Isabella grumbled, moving to stand up. Fred and Professor McGonagall followed her movement.

"Then you will wait here," McGonagall ordered. "And if you are not here when I return, I will place you in detention. Mr Weasley, please wait with her." And just like that, the Professor swept off. Isabella stared at the space where the professor had been glumly.

"I'm okay," she said aloud. Isabella could feel Fred's concerned stare, much like when she'd been treated for her burn.

"No, you're not. But you will be," Fred told her, sitting next to her on the bench. He placed an arm across her shoulders and Isabella involuntarily leaned against his chest again. He was very solid, and her brain found it very comforting. "And as for all the other stuff? You've come too far to give up, Isabella. You're going to be absolutely fine."

"I must sound crazy." Isabella laughed weakly. "I just have to do well. If I fail-"

"Which you won't."

"Everything I've worked for, everything I want goes out the window and I'm stuck forever. As good as dead."

"It won't happen, Isabella. Every time you have that thought, you come to me, and I'll tell you time and time again. You're going to succeed. Not because people tell you you've got big things coming, but because you want it." Too tired to argue back, Isabella simply nodded and the pair fell silent. Professor McGonagall returned a few minutes later with a goblet.

"Drink this, Miss Yaxley," McGonagall ordered, handing Isabella the goblet. Isabella followed the instructions.

"Thank you."

"I will ask the professors to keep a close eye on you, Yaxley, and should you feel overwhelmed and stressed again, you are to go straight to myself, Professor Snape or Madam Pomfrey. And I will know. Understand?"

"Yes, Professor."

"We like to take care of our students, Isabella, so you will pardon me if you are not a fan of our methods. I understand exam time is stressful. Let us help you." Isabella only nodded. "Weasley, please escort Isabella back to her dormitory."

Fred helped Isabella pack up her stuff and carried it for her as they walked to the Slytherin dungeons. They walked in silence, but Isabella could feel Fred's concern still. They stopped by the stone wall that led into the dungeon room.

"Thanks for… tonight," Isabella said, grabbing her books from Fred.

"I think it might be good to stop with the tutoring now," Fred offered. "Take those nights off instead. I think I have a pretty good chance at passing now."

"You've always had a good chance at passing." Isabella swatted him lightly. They both hovered awkwardly for a few minutes. "Well… goodnight."

"Night, Izzy. And hey." Fred placed a hand on Isabella's shoulder just before she turned away. "Anytime you need to talk, need anything at all, or you just need some distraction or someone to tell you that you can do it… I'm around, yeah? No pressure or anything, but I'm here."

"Thanks, Fred. I appreciate it." Isabella entered the common room, and Fred stood there another minute as he watched her leave.

author's note

hi guys! i start my big girl job tomorrow :| wish me luck!

hope you all enjoyed, I know we went through a lot of events this chapter but it was necessary.