Memoirs of a Simp: My Undying Love for Rachel Berry

by anothergleekgirl

FINCHEL FUTUREFIC. Do you believe in Love? Finn Hudson does. Their love story was EPIC. Finn reflects back on their story from first meeting to how they ended up. Spans full life of Finn & Rachel, told in Finn's POV. Begins FRESHMAN year high school, thru college, and everything that followed over the next 50 plus years. S1-4 mostly canon, with some divergence.

12. CH11: WMHS-Junior Year Part III

A/N - Hello fellow Finchelings! Hope you've been nursing your wounds and finding comfort from the turmoil now brewing between our favorite glee OTP. They are nothing if not dramatic! And maybe Kurt popping in to cover for his beloved 'big lug' of a brother helped a little bit?

This next bit was an especially difficult chapter to write… I've so far published over a quarter million words in FInchelFics, yet the ones that follow just honestly depress the heck N stuff out of me more anything! I even cried while writing parts of it! But you knew we'd have to go through this at some point in this particular story (and y'know it's probably not the last time either! ); I do concede that these heartaches and setbacks are totally necessary for the growth of our beloved Finchel both as individuals and as a couple... plus, you know it won't last forever (but yeah, it still sucks).

I also wanted to point out, this whole chapter is almost entirely AU. I've mentioned before that I've been shifting canon timelines around a lot for this season and in this chapter there's some non-linear story telling at play, so I've tried to add a few sub-headings to help mitigate any potential confusion. Hope it helped, if not feel free to PM or comment and I'll try to clarify. But there was so much non-Finchel FAT to trim out of this season as a whole, I really had to dig deep to conjure up some NEW Finchel related story lines… I hope I didn't let you down! :)

Now that I've put this chapter to bed, I'm going to readjust my prior guess at only doing 3 parts for s2; it'll most likely end up as 4-5 parts (leaning more toward 5).

Also I simply MUST give a super gigantic HUGE shout out to SAPPLINGOFASTAR! She was VERY instrumental to driving this chapter and the upcoming storyline forward and brought SO many fantastically awesome and creative ideas to the table; we're super excited to bring the rest of S2 re-telling to you! (and yeah it's kinda her fault THIS chapter ended up being SO LONG thanks to her great ideas lol.. But that's a good thing i think!)

And READERS - Thanks again for all your continued reviews & support... I wanted to really keep this story moving while my muse has been singing loud and clear, after this week I may not be feeling so great, but I HOPE to have the next chapter out very soon before my health starts wreaking havoc again. So buckle up and prepare for a rather ANGSTY RIDE through our poor broken-hearted Finny's mind in this chapter… but before the sunshine, there's gotta be a little rain sometimes… ;( Now pull out a big box of tissues or find your emotional support animal… we'll get through it together. ;)

HOPE YOU ENJOY! (or.. Hope you recover quickly at least?)

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CHAPTER 11: WMHS - Junior Year Part III.

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[[Now Playing On FINN5's iPod: LIFE SUCKS PLAYLIST \\ Kings Of Leon - Walls]]

I can get there on my own
You can leave me here alone
I'm just tryin' to do what's right
Oh, a man ain't a man unless he's fought the fight
I could never point you out

Waste of space in a faceless crowd
Tell me what I have to say
If you know what's right then you'll walk away
When the walls come down, When the walls come down

One by one I'm seein' them fall
Some just don't show up at all
I'm just here to fight the fire
Oh, a man ain't a man unless he has desire

And the walls come down
And the walls come down
When the walls come down
When the walls come down

You tore out my heart
You threw it away
A Western girl with Eastern eyes
Took a wrong turn and found surprise awaits
Now there's nothing in the way
In the way, In the way

When the walls come down, When the walls come down

[[Now Playing On FINN5's iPod: LIFE SUCKS PLAYLIST \\ Kings Of Leon - Beautiful_War]]

Bite your tongue, Don't make a scene, dear
Everybody's been here, At least once before
But we've been here more

Your heartbreak, Rolls down the window
I've seen it all go, And come back around
And I've heard the sound

The tip of your tongue
The top of your lung is doing my head in
I said I love don't mean nothing
Unless there's something worth fighting for… It's a beautiful war

When I hold The warmth of your body
There is nobody that I'd rather hold
Shattered and cold

The tip of your tongue
The top of your lung is making me crazy
I said I love don't mean nothing
Unless there's something worth fighting for
It's a beautiful war

I said I love – it don't mean nothing
Unless there's something worth fighting for
It's a beautiful war….

[[=iPod Playback Status: PAUSED=]]

:

Oh… crap. Hey. So… I'm not ready to talk yet. Sorry.

:

[[=iPod Playback Status: PLAY NEXT=]]

[[Now Playing On FINN5's iPod: LIFE SUCKS PLAYLIST \\ Whitney Houston-Didn't We Almost Have It All]]

Remember when we held on in the rain
The night we almost lost it
Once again we can take the night into tomorrow
Living on feelings
Touching you I feel it all again

Fucking stupid Whitney… how did she know? We weren't even born yet, how could she have known about the porch swing?… is she some kinda crazy psychic fortuneteller?

Didn't we almost have it all
When love was all we had worth giving?
The ride with you was worth the fall my friend
Loving you makes life worth living
Didn't we almost have it all
The night we held on till the morning
You know you'll never love that way again
Didn't we almost have it all

The way you used to touch me felt so fine
We kept our hearts together down the line
A moment in the soul can last forever
Comfort and keep us
Help me bring the feeling back again

YEAH Whitney... Preach… I want it back, all of it! DAMMIT RACH, WHY?…

Didn't we almost have it all
Didn't we have the best of times
When love was young and new?
Couldn't we reach inside and find
The world of me and you?
We'll never lose it again
'Cause once you know what love is
You never let it end

:

{{sobs into pillow}}

:

:

x

xx

xxx

Day 10, Monday, 1 ½ weeks after 'THE Q INCIDENT'

Yeah, so uh, mom said I had to get back to school. She'd said three days, but ended up letting me have the whole week off. Guess I should be thankful for that much mercy. Not really sure if she was letting my hand heal or my heart.. Or maybe both? Whatever. Mom is the best and the coolest, even though I piss her off a lot. I gotta do better with that.

So I'm gonna do my best to just, get through the week.. or at least, get through the day and get home.

And the next day.

And the next day.

And the next...

Crap. I know the feeling of that little hand on my arm. "Finn?"

No. Not ready. Don't look at her.

It's been 12 ½ days since Rachel broke my heart. I still love her and I miss her so much, but I'm still so mad (at her?)…

She's sorry. She made a mistake. Kurt said so. She wants to talk. She loves me. Right, déjà vu… but I can't even look at her yet.

"Finn, please look at me?" I can't! My body isn't listening to my brain though, so it just automatically turns to face her, but my eyes are at least paying some kind of attention 'cause they just won't go there.

"Listen, I just… Can we do this another time? I - I just can't right now." There. My mouth still knows what my brain wants at least.

Really NOT trying to be a dick. If I talk now all kinds of other stuff is gonna come pouring out that I don't wanna say because there's so much so much SO MUCH hurt and poison and regret and hate and things I can't I just know I can't possibly separate out from the things I want to say, the things I NEED to say.. But if I let it start it'll come out all wrong and then I won't be able to like, stuff it back in, so I just can't… not now.

I don't wanna be that douchey guy who says all that shit and then backtracks with a 'I didn't mean it' later on – especially not to her. I don't want to hurt her that way. There'd definitely be no take-backs with her. She remembers everything and she feels everything and she'd never let me forget – not that I would anyway because I'd be living with the fact that I'm that dick who did it every day forever. On a good day words aren't the easiest thing for me to find when it comes to her. She should know that I thought she knew that.. But then I thought she knew a lot of things and I thought I did too.. and then she kissed him. She KISSED HIM!

Time for GLEE! Yeah. I refuse to enter that choir room (or the auditorium - especially the auditorium) right now. Or maybe ever again. Not sure yet. She's the music and the music powers my soul and I know I'm still breathing right now so my heart must still be beating, but if I go in there my soul might die then I might die because the music is just so far away I don't know how to hear it anymore. There's an echo… but it's not enough.

I just sorta walked away and left her standing there at my locker. Pretty sure she was looking hurt and sad – not that I really looked at her because I can't, but I FELT her. And I know her.

. . . . .

I should probably thank Kurt. He's been super great these past few weeks, trying to take care of things for me, bringing my school work home while I was out all last week, listening to me when I freaked out a couple times, reigning me back in when I guess I went a little off the deep end, talking to Ra– her.., even if I didn't ask him to do any of that, all while taking care of ME. Which I already know is a really crappy job right now by the way. But he's been doing it just the same, and I'm grateful to finally know what it's like to have a real actual brother.

Though it'd maybe be all the better if my brother wasn't also HER best friend now. Or I don't know, maybe it's better that he is… there's pros and cons both ways. At least I know she has one person she can talk to. So there's that.

. . . . .

Tuesday - 4 days after 'THE Q INCIDENT'

Kurt says she's sorry and knows she made a stupid mistake. He said she knows that this wasn't my fault and she wants to talk. She loves me and she wants to say sorry. Well then, then why didn't she call me? Or come to the damn door when I went there? Oh wait. Yeah, now I remember, my phone's broken, and um.. she didn't know everything yet when I went to her house that day. Okay I guess that makes sense… stupid pills. {{sigh}}

Well. First thing I gotta do tomorrow is get a new phone. Maybe Kurt can drive me. I have almost enough saved up already but mom said she'd pitch in for half. Or maybe I should wait a couple more days. Mostly only one person calls and texts me all the time anyway and… yeah. Maybe I'll see if Kurt can take me Friday.

Shit. Maybe I should just talk to her when she gets home from school tomorrow. I do really miss her, like SO so much… but she really let me down big this time. Like, to not even be willing to hear me out and just to make assumptions, what does that say about her true feelings for me? So what, she doesn't actually trust me after all? And if she doesn't really trust me, how can she really love me?

And look ok yeah, I KNOW it looked bad, like SUPER really bad. I can see things from her eyes, I know. Hell it was all I could do not to slap Quinn in the face… but hitting girls is still wrong and stuff. No matter what damage they seem to be allowed to do to me…

If I see her face to face, I just know I'm gonna look into those big brown eyes and forget any of this crap happened at all.. and part me wants to do that, just y'know, forgive and forget 'n all… But like, I always put up with so much of her crazy brain, and I do whatever I can to calm her down and make her feel good and make her feel special because she always makes me feel special… but it doesn't seem to matter what I say or do, feels like she still didn't believe in me enough or trust me enough to even hear me out first before breaking up with me. Hell, she'd just said those words, that she BELIEVED me and TRUSTED me not long before this happened, so what, was that all lies? I can't let myself think like this. It's real, we're real… but if that's true then why'd she dump me …in a TEXT? She said she'd never break up with me… So much for promises.

UGH! I just don't know what to do right now. I think I need some time to figure things out. I've got time, right? Sure yeah I do.. I've got nothing but ti– KNOCK KNOCK …

"Finn, are you decent, can I come in?"

Damn it's after 4pm already? "Door's open Kurt. What's up?"

"How are you feeling today?"

"Uh, let's see, it's Tuesday and my life is still ruined.. how do you think?" Dammit, don't be snarky to him. "Sorry dude. Hand hurts, heart hurts.. Same old."

"It's okay, I understand. You're in pain and you've been cooped up in the house for days now."

"Nah man, it's not okay.. Just 'cause my life is in shambles doesn't give me the right to snap at you. I'm just kind of a big screwed up mess right now, but that's not your fault and I shouldn't take it out on you at all." He kinda smiled just then and I know we're cool. Y'know, when he's not be all squealy and a GIANT pain my ass about my clothes and my room and stuff, Kurt's actually really pretty awesome.

"Listen, I can't do anything about your hand – would that I could, but… maybe we can do something about your other ailments."

"Huh? What exactly does that mean?" Not sure I like where this is headed…

"Well, if you're up for it, …and open to it… you have a visitor who'd really like to see you now."

So much for bros before hoes? Not that she's a… "Kurt…"

"Finn, she's miserable. You're miserable. Do you honestly believe any of that will ever change by NOT talking to her?"

{{SIGH}} Yeah yeah. I know he's right. "Ok fine… but not in here. Out back, on the porch. Give me five minutes and have her meet me outside, 'kay?"

"Okay.. and hey, this'll be good Finn, I'm sure of it. Also.., I just wanted to offer – since you've both already confided in me – maybe it would be easier if you weren't alone for this? I don't have to speak or anything but I can just sit with you two, be your emotional support human, if you want?"

Emotional what? "It's okay. Thanks though… but uh, Kurt? Maybe, don't go too far… just in case."

"Absolutely, got it. I'll just be in the living room if you need me."

"Cool. And Kurt… thanks for everything bro. I'm really liking this brotherly arrangement, and I totally owe you for how cool you've been to me. Promise I'll make it up to you."

"Don't be silly Finn, it's what family does… but you're welcome, it's my pleasure…. And good luck!"

. . . . .

So I'm sitting on the porch swing that we always snuggled on all summer and I'm starting to feel like I wanna puke. Maybe it's too soon to do this with her. I just wanna rewind to the last time we sat on this swing together, when she kissed me til I couldn't think straight and the summer rain sprayed cool in my face and she was warm in my arms and everything about us was so perfect.

I heard the sliding glass door open and looked up and saw her for the first time in four days… Jesus, four whole days without her and look at the mess it's made of me.. of both of us, I s'pose. We haven't been apart for more than a single day in nearly five months but even then we've at least talked on the phone. And she's so damn beautiful right now in her pretty pink dress… it's one of my favorites. I'm betting she knows that. And I'm pretty sure my pulse rate about doubled just at the sight of her.

She walked over slowly and instead of sitting on the swing next to me, she sat down on the picnic bench a couple feet away opposite me. She's not looking me in the eye yet. I can see the guilt all over her beautiful face and I HATE it, I hate that she looks this way, that she feels this way. I wanna take away her pain, kiss the worry out of her and just see that dazzling smile beam at me. Fucking Quinn Fabray. Or maybe I only have myself to blame – I'm the stupid sap who agreed to date that blonde life wrecking psycho in the first place. Now I understand why they say live and learn.

It's too quiet. She's been looking down at her lap what feels like forever but I really need to see her eyes. I've missed seeing her eyes. "Hey Rach." I had to break the silence… and yeah, there she is. They're not as bright and shiny as usual but still as deep and gorgeous as ever. Maybe a little red-rimmed and puffy… I guess we match like that.

"Hello Finn." She tried to pull a smile but I know that one (she practices different smiles in the mirror for acting) – it's weak and forced. The same smile she used when she'd lied about her and St. Dickhead having sex last year. "H-how's your hand? Are you in a lot of pain?"

She's real nervous. I can see that little quiver in her bottom lip. I guess I kinda am too.. My stomach is sorta twisting and folding over on itself – but that could just be the effects of her sitting here, smelling so nice and being close but not close enough. I can almost see the shiver in her shoulders, and they're kinda slumped. Her confidence is shot right now. I did that to her – or well, Fabray did.

I shrugged a little and answered, "It should be better in another week or so. Kinda sore for now, but y'know, it's my own stupid fault."

She sat up straighter and answered quickly. "No, actually, it's not."

"Rachel, I'm the idiot who decided to pick a fight with a locker, remember?" That almost made her smile for real, but not quite.

"Well yes, but only because I ran away from you…" and then her shoulders fell again.

Okay this is so awkward.. but why? Why should it be awkward? We never get like this, not once since we've been dating. And it's not like she hasn't done some really stupid or embarrassing things in that time – hell, the Sunshine thing was a prime example. She didn't look like this, not even then.

"Yeah about that. That day… I know you heard it from Kurt already, but you do know I didn't want that kiss right? You do know I didn't and I don't want Quinn."

"I know. I - I actually heard it first from my dads the next morning, they told me what happened."

"Really? So they did tell you I came by, and what I said?"

Wow. Okay I guess her dads believed me after all? Good to know. Maybe the Misters Berry like me more than I thought? All summer they mostly threatened to castrate me if I 'defiled their daughter.' Well, that was mostly her Papa Hiram saying that. I think Leroy was mostly holding back chuckles but trying to play along in the stern father figure role.

"They did… but I wouldn't talk to them that night, and I wouldn't even listen until they forced me to at breakfast the next morning.., of course by then it was after the fact. After I'd already messed everything up with you and sent that text. I'm so sorry, Finn. I-I should have stayed and talked to you Friday. I should have let you explain sooner."

This may be the fastest apology I've ever gotten from her – not that she's needed to apologize to me very often at all – it's usually the other way around. But she's clearly learning..no. Learned.

"Why did you run Rach? Why didn't you let me explain?"

And right then I knew the tears were coming soon… she's got that sad look of regret in her eyes. Scratch that – shame. She feels ashamed. Dammit I can't stand this.

"I wish I had a better reason to give you, b-but I guess I was just scared of being rejected. Again. I was afraid of how much you could have hurt me, because I love you too much and I didn't want to be there in the middle of the hallway when it happened."

I motioned with my head and patted the seat of the swing next to me inviting her to come sit, and she did. I took one of her little hands in mine and turned to face her, looking deep in her eyes just like I've probably done a hundred times before.

"Rach, why would you think I'd ever do that to you? You are my best friend, remember? Before any of the rest of it, that's what you were first, and being my girlfriend on top of that is just like, the best thing to ever happen to me. Do you really honestly think I would ever want to hurt you that way? Or at all for that matter?"

And yep, there's the tears. The shame and guilt are streaming down her sweet face now leaving their salty tracks behind and I just wanna cry too. I'm swallowing down the lump that's building up and I hate seeing her hurting like this so much. It hurts me when she hurts.

"Well, no, but when I saw.. h-her.. Quinn.. with her arm around y-your neck and her lips on yours… and then Santana said… well, it.. it just looked like it was already happening and NO I didn't want to believe it, but there it was, right in front of my own eyes. How could I not think it?"

I held her hand a little tighter. "Okay… yeah I get that. I totally see how bad it looked from where you stood, that's fair. And yeah, I guess I can even understand why you ran and why you were scared. Santana shoulda kept her damn mouth shut, you know she just likes to stir up trouble. But the part I still just don't understand is you not talking to me at all afterwards, not letting me explain, and then breaking up over a text message. Which, Rachel, I know YOU and that is not something you'd ever normally do."

She was quiet for a long beat. Then she took a deep breath and let it all out.

"After seeing you and Quinn I just figured it would have happened anyway and at least that way I was the one dumping and not getting dumped. And I knew if I saw your face in person I'd never be able to say those words out loud because I NEVER wanted to do that at all… but, but I swear Finn, when I replied to your text it was only a heat of the moment snap decision, it's not like I spent time thinking I should do it or that I wanted to break up. I certainly didn't want to say it at all. Ever. I was just so sure right at that moment that even if it didn't end because of you choosing Quinn, I was still never gonna be able to keep you anyway because I'm not good enough, I'm not one of those pretty girls an—"

My hands immediately tangled up in her hair and I shut her up with my lips on hers. I could taste the salt of her tears and the sweet of her lip gloss and just the feeling of her filled my heart right back up to full again. I didn't even know how close to running on empty I was until that moment.

"Okay baby, ok.. I get it. You and your insecurities.. you overreacted, again. My little drama queen. But you gotta stop saying that crap about not being good enough or pretty enough… You're SO beautiful Rach." I kissed the top of her head and she snuggled up against my chest and the world felt right again. I could breathe again. Four days of pain and hurt was all washing away and becoming a faded memory in the length of one kiss. Well, almost..

"Rach, I just need to hear something from you though." I tipped her chin up so I could see her eyes. "I need a promise. That you'll never just decide what I'm thinking or doing without talking to me first ever again. I need to know that you love me and trust me enough to KNOW I'd never do anything to hurt you on purpose. I need to know you'll always hear me out first. Can you promise me that?"

I saw so much love in her watery eyes when she said "YES! I swear it Finn. What you said about us being friends first.. You're absolutely right. If nothing else, as your friend I should've given you the benefit of the doubt. I should have let you explain. I promise I will never ever hurt you like that again. I'm so, so sorry. Seems like I broke two promises to you that day… Can you ever forgive me?"

"Aw babe," I brushed her bangs from her tear-stained eyes and cupped her cheek. "I love you Rach, so much. I'll always forgive you. Of course I do."

She wrapped both her arms around my neck and squeezed me tight and it felt so good to be holding her so close and breathing her in again. Then she sat back and had an odd look for a minute, her face a little scrunched in thought.

"Finn. I want us to always be honest with each other, like we said before, no matter what. We vowed to be truthful even if it hurt, and.. Well, will you tell me what's been going on with you and Santana? Since the wedding it feels like there's been something you've been holding back, and she's been extra mean to me. Plus, what she said on Friday…"

Oh crap, that. Dammit. This one is on me… And yeah, I knew I should have told her at (or at least after) the wedding. "Yeah, uh.. you're right. I didn't tell you everything. It's not really bad, it's just I hate upsetting you when I don't have to, especially for something so stupid. And I thought it was resolved so…"

"Finn? Just tell me, please. I won't be mad, I just need to know."

So I explained what happened with Santana before she'd walked in on us the day of the wedding, and the talk I had with her at practice after that. She listened without reacting and nodded her head in understanding. Then she said "Oh… So that's why you hugged her."

What? "Wait, you saw us that day on the field? Rach, why didn't you say anything?"

"Well… I guess…"

"No. Don't answer. Pretty sure I already know why and what you thought – or at least what you were worried about. You already know about the hotel. You thought she was trying to steal me away from you, and you probably thought maybe it might have been working too. Am I close?"

She sighed and nodded yes and looked like she was gonna cry again. "I'm sorry. Guess I should have asked you about it sooner, or maybe even come to talk to you when I saw you together. I guess I was letting my fears and my imagination run away with me again. Thank you for being honest and telling me now though."

"I'm sorry I didn't mention all of it before.. I guess I didn't help any with your fears and doubts – again." Thank god we cleared the air about everything. I hugged her tight for a minute and was about to ask if this means we're still together, but then I heard her starting to cry again.

"Rach, what is it babe?"

"It's… it's just, you're going to be very upset in a minute, but I hope you can remember everything we just said about friendship and trust and honesty… and forgiveness."

"Why would I be upset… what do you mean?" I don't like the sounds of this. But she's so over-dramatic sometimes it's hard to tell what to think.

"I promise I'll tell you everything but, I just ask that you let me say it all first, and please please try not to react or interrupt until I finish."

What the hell now. "Uh, okay… but you're kinda freaking me out here, Rach." She squeezed my hand and I saw her taking a few slow breaths, the ones she does to calm herself.

"Friday when I ran, I hid in Mr. Schuester's office. I was crying so hard and hurting so much… and then Jesse came in and found me there." Now I see why she wanted me to promise first.. that bastard. I clenched my jaw and braced for whatever else she was gonna say.

"Well, when he saw me on the floor, basically an hysterical mess, he offered to go get you and I said no. Then I asked him to drive me home. So he did."

"Okay Rach, but Kurt already told me that–"

"There's more Finn. More that I didn't tell Kurt."

Shit shit shit. Deep breaths. Don't freak out, keep it together… maybe it's not that bad. I just nodded and waited for the rest to crash down on me.

"I heard you knocking at my door at home, and I was so upset. I felt betrayed and foolish. I felt like Quinn won again and my heart was crumbling. My dads did as I asked and wouldn't let you in, but after you left they kept knocking on my bedroom door trying to get me to come out and talk but I didn't want to deal with anyone or anything. I needed to get away and I didn't know who to call… but he'd just been here and so.. I called and asked Jesse to come get me."

I must have been breathing funny or had some crazy scary look on my face because she started shrinking into a tiny ball and she hesitated before continuing her story.

"So he took me for coffee. We sat at the café for a few hours. He never asked and I never told him what had happened at school or why I was crying earlier. I asked him to talk to me about anything, you know, just to distract me, but not to mention you. Then it was past dinner time so we stopped at the vegan deli on Maple Street and got some takeout and ate it at the picnic table at the park across the street. We sat a little longer talking after we finished eating. He'd been a perfect gentlemen and so friendly all night. We were just talking and laughing and I guess he thought… maybe it was ok to kiss me, so he did–"

"HE WHAT?! I'll fucking kill him! Rachel—"

"Finn! Stop! Let me finish please… please, you promised."

Oh fuck, there's still more? If THAT wasn't the bad news then what the hell else is she gonna say? Maybe I don't wanna hear this, maybe I should make her stop… And now she's crying again and I'm pacing back and forth with my mind spinning outta control wondering what really bad news she's about to drop and I'm trying SO hard not to clench my fists because my hand is still throbbing… so I took some more deep breaths and motioned with my hand for her to continue.

"Well.. so he just kissed me on the cheek. It surprised me and I pulled away from him. He apologized for being so forward, then he said something about how you'd be very upset about this. When he mentioned you, it just made everything come rushing back, all those hurt feelings of inadequacy, seeing you with Quinn, hearing Santana's words.. And I still don't know why I did it, but I just.. I.. I kissed him."

Sorry I think my hearing just went out. My sweet beautiful crazy perfect Rach didn't just say what it sounded like she said…not possible. I was shaking my head hoping to get my malfunctioning ears working again. But she kept talking.

"Oh god Finn, it wasn't a long meaningful kiss or anything like that, it was just to try to forget about Quinn's lips on yours. Maybe it was to make me feel less unwanted. But then I saw your face in my mind and I realized what I was doing and I stopped immediately. I was so ashamed, I couldn't believe what I'd just done and I just started walking. I was going to walk home, but he followed me and made me get in the car. We didn't talk on the ride back, he just dropped me off and that's the last I've seen or heard from him. I ran straight to my room and locked the door. I was sobbing into Miss Pinky Bear's belly, wondering how things got so messed up. I knew I didn't belong with you in the first place because I've never been good enough, and after what I'd just done I certainly didn't deserve to be with you. But all I kept thinking about was you and Quinn, Quinn kissing you. Santana and the hotel… then a few minutes later I got your text message."

No. No no no… wakeupwakeupwakeup… this had to be a really horrible nightmare, right? My GIRLFRIEND did NOT just tell me she kissed her ex-boyfriend on purpose. Right? Like, the same ex SPYING ASSHOLE who used her and humiliated her and egged her in our school parking lot. SHE asked HIM for a ride home, SHE called HIM and basically went on a date, and then SHE. KISSED. HIM. Maybe I'm hallucinating. Maybe it's the pain pills, right? No… I haven't taken one yet today and she's still sitting here, sobbing. No… It's not an hallucination. It's not a bad dream, it's a way way worse reality.

All I see is a pink blur on the porch swing through the tears swelling up in my eyes.. Tears of hurt and rage… and then I think about it for a second and realize, after everything she just confessed, the very last sentence of her confession was supposed to be 'and then I broke up with you'... but she didn't say that part. She didn't need to. Suddenly I felt like all the air was stolen from my lungs, because replaying each of her words in my mind was like a gut punch, over and over and over.

Yeah. I'm sure I'm gonna be sick. My throat's so tight I could only manage a whisper. "I think you need to go home now. I.. I can't talk anymore right now."

She jumped up from the swing and held my arms and all I felt was ice surging through me from under her touch. She pleaded between sobs "Please Finn, please believe me it didn't mean anything at all to me, I swear HE doesn't mean anything.. I was just so lost and hurt over seeing you with Quinn that I wasn't thinking straight! I did something so stupid and I wish I could take it back because I love you so mu—"

"NO." I grabbed both her tiny wrists and stepped back away from her, holding her back at arms length. I couldn't even look her in the face. "GO HOME RACHEL!" I roared at her a lot louder than I really meant to, louder than I even thought I could because my throat was sealing shut and I couldn't breathe. I left her standing there as I went inside and ran to the bathroom to puke my guts out. Then my throat was burning and closing tight, my heartbeat came thundering like a kickdrum in my ears and my blood was acid and fire and rage and I still couldn't see through the blurry water in my eyes that just wouldn't stop. Then I locked myself in my room for the rest of the night.

. . . . .

McKinley Weight Room, 2 ½ weeks after 'THE CONFESSION'

"What the fuck, Finnhumane?"

Uh, yeah.. I think I forgot to mention, Puck's been back from juvie since before the big game. He brought this really large scary angry girl Lauren Zises back with him to Glee… I guess she rescued him from a port-a-john he was stuck in and now he's got the hots for her? Yeah it's totally weird but I didn't ask for details. Kinda had too much on my mind since then to be bothered.

"Piss off dude. I don't feel like talking."

"I don't give a shit. What the hell screwed up world are you living in that you'd just break Berry's heart like this?"

"FUCK OFF, PUCK! And FYI – I didn't break her heart.. She broke mine."

"Uh-huh. Well, I'm waiting."

"Waiting?"

"For you to spill. You need your wingman to unfuck this mess, so… Let's get at it already, clock's ticking. I may need to drop a deuce pretty soon and I can't hold it all day. Plus, I got a hot date at the 'Stix later to plan for."

Umm.. he's actually planning for a date? Okaaay…that's new.

"Look man, YOU of all people are not exactly who I'd consider the expert on fixing relationships - least of all MINE."

He blew out a loud breath and looked at the floor for a few beats. "Yeah alright, that's fair… look, I know I royally shit the bed and basically screwed our friendship all to hell.. but you know I'm sorry about all that shit. And it sure doesn't mean I don't care or don't wanna try to help. Like it or not, you're still my brother. Face facts Finnessa: You look like shit. She looks like shit. Neither of you are any good without the other. The club is falling apart. We squeaked by on that sectionals win last week no thanks to either of you… And what in the unholy fuck are you doing running around with that Allie McBeal chick? 'Cause I mean, yeah she's a fine looking little redhead – a flavor I've often enjoyed and DO recommend, by the way – but she ain't no tiny brunette Jewish American Princess DIVA with the 'voice of an angel' is how you described it, right? She sure as hell fire ain't who I know you're still in love with. So.. why don't we get down to brass tacks, start THERE and proceed."

Goddammit. I'm only hanging on by a thread right now. Part of me kinda wants to clock him for even bringing this shit up… but I mean, I know he's being sincere. For all his faults, he has always had my back – well, 'cept that ONE time – and yeah, his heart is probably in the right place – even if the words coming outta his mouth are a bunch of razor blades slashing me to bits.

Puck was still standing there, glaring at me with some kind of irritated look, but my mind just started drifting back to that moment when Allie saved me from royally screwing things up for myself…

After I left her standing at my locker there was an image of the two of them flashing in my mind that I just couldn't shake away. All the hot poisonous rage started shooting back through me like a Tomahawk cruise missile. Just knowing he was in the same building as her right now made my blood boil. This is all just total BULLSHIT. He comes back to town and the very first thing he does is contact her? Why the hell did he come back here in the first place?

I slammed through the doorway of one of my most favorite rooms in this building looking for that fucking asshole whose life I was about to extinguish, not realizing that I wasn't alone there… I just went in with a blind fury not knowing if he was even in there and started screaming. "ST JAMES where the FUCK are you?! We got a score to settle you asshole! Just get the hell out here and face me right now!" Then I heard a throat clearing and small voice came from the far corner of the choir room and I spun around on my heels to see who it was.

"Umm.. he and Mr Schuester went to the auditorium. I think they're looking for some sheet music they left there." Shit. As I was about to turn tail and rush the auditorium, she skipped over to me and stood in my path. "Finn? Your name is Finn, right? Sorry, I'm Allie, I don't know if you remember… I'm new." She stuck out her little hand waiting for a handshake. Her big blue eyes caught me off guard. They were kind and friendly and when I didn't shake her hand she suddenly reached down and rested it on my forearm. Her touch was warm and soothing. It reminded me how I feel when SHE does that. "I'm sorry, you look really upset… but, um, before you run off and go ahead with whatever trouble you're about to get into, maybe you could come outside with me and get a breath of fresh air first? It's really a beautiful day out. Most people wouldn't say that about a cloudy day, but it's my favorite weather, especially when there's just a light drizzle. It makes everything smell like rain and feels so fresh and clean." I just grinned at her for a second then I said "Yeah, and the best part is you don't need–" she cut me off "-an umbrella?"

I exhaled loudly knowing Puck wasn't just gonna back off til I said something. "Look, nothing's up with me and Allie. She's new, she needs a friend, and she's nice. Plus, I was going off the deep end for a bit and she somehow pulled me back from the ledge before I did something really stupid. No I'm not in love with her or anything… it's.. I dunno, we're just hanging out. It's no big deal."

"Uh huh. Well Berry sure thinks it's a really big HOLY SHIT kinda deal. Ma had to see Rabbi Feldman about something for a food drive and she made me go to Temple with her last night. I found Rachel there sitting in the back of the vestibule sobbing like I've never seen before. She doesn't look healthy man. I don't think she's been eating, she's definitely not sleeping."

ARRGG. I dropped the free weights I was using on the floor and toweled the sweat off my face. I really don't need to hear about how awful things are for her right now… I know they are. Just like they are for me, too. So maybe she shouldn't have run back to that ass-clown and put him in the middle of our relationship like she did.

"Puck. Do you even know what happened? Like the WHOLE story of what happened?"

"As a matter of fact yeah, pretty sure I do. I couldn't very well leave her in that condition at Temple.. So I scooped her up and took her home. I sat for hours listening to her sputter and sob through every sickening detail about Mayor McDouche until my ears were nearly bleeding. And yeah man, I got pretty pissed at her myself for all that bullshit with him. But after she told me all the other bullshit that was going down with you and Tana and Q before then, well.. We both know what all that crazy chick shit does to her fragile sensibilities. She loses her shit every time she feels threatened, especially when it comes to losing YOU."

"Well. Dude, I don't know what you want me to say. I wish none of it ever happened… but it did. I sure as hell did NOT initiate anything with San or Quinn - fuck, ESPECIALLY not with Quinn. And anyway, I thought you two were an item now? What happened there?"

"She's a freakin' psycho Finn. PPD baby blues and batshit crazy. You know that already. Anyway I'm working on Zises now… onto bigger and better things. Like, literally… But stop changing the subject."

"Whatever. Look, I was already being pretty damned understanding with her about her crazy knee-jerk reaction – which included dumping me in a fucking TEXT without talking to me at all first. I spent that whole weekend doubting how she really felt about me.. And just when we talked through everything and I thought we were gonna move past all the bullshit from that Friday, she turned around and dropped this St. Jackass bomb on me and it was like… the worst possible betrayal, Puck. I felt worse in that moment than I did last year when I learned the truth about the baby. She went to him on purpose, willingly. SHE KISSED HIM. And until I can figure out how to get past my rage about it, I just can't deal with her yet."

Puck sat in silence for the longest time before saying anything more. "Ok. I get that your tender little ego is all squished and whatever. She fucked up, no two ways around that, true. She knows it too – and hey, at least she told you the truth man. But how is hanging around with the new chick helping to clear your mind about any of this other shit? Seems kinda like YOU'RE the one running away from a bad situation now… except you haven't even sent a break up text. Or any text. You haven't told her shit except to go away. The only thing she did ask me to try to find out is where the two of you stand. Are you just pressing pause or are you done?"

"Are you fucking joking? DUDE. I didn't have to send anything, she'd already sent the damn breakup text! She'd already dumped me – and she did it AFTER she had her 'date' with that douchebag. In other words, she cheated on me, and now she wants me to cater to her fragile emotional state? Screw that Puck."

"Finn you're really an asshole sometimes. She'd just seen you sucking face with Q for fuck's sake! And you just stood here and admitted you were over the whole text breakup thing and all the rest of it before that last little piece of shit hit the fan.. Then you turn tail and run into the arms of the next sweet piece of ass you can find. So you tell me, how is running around with Allie any different than Berry running to the Jerkoff. Seriously. What the hell double standards are you playing by here?"

I shoved past him slamming him into the locker on my way. "Fuck you Puck. That's not the way it is, and obviously you don't get it… I'll talk to her when I'm ready. And now FINALLY, I'm done talking about this. So just piss off, and I don't really care what the hell you tell her!"

. . . . .

MOMMA KNOWS BEST.

"Dinner's almost ready. Finn, can you set the table please?"

"Yeah sure mom." Not that I have any appetite at all.

"Finny… is everything okay with you? You haven't been yourself for weeks now, ever since…"

Aw man, please don't do your mom-voodoo thing on me now where you make me tell you everything that I don't wanna say out loud. Not right now.

"I'm fine mom."

"No, darling son of mine. You really aren't."

Crap. That tone of voice and one raised eyebrow tells me she's gonna dig in somehow and find out what she wants to know whether I like it or not. How does she DO that anyway? Wonder if that's a MOM thing or just MY mom's thing? Sometimes I think she mighta had a secret life as like, a black ops enforcer or a CIA interrogator when I was too little to remember, and now we're living under assumed names because she's retired and stuff.

"Well, if you know it then why ask?"

"I guess I was hoping you'd just want to tell me what's on your mind. You know I'm always here for you, and I love you no matter what."

{{SIGH}} So it begins.

If the situation was about anything else I'd probably have already gone to her myself. Mom and me have always been a team and I've always talked to her about almost everything – there's no shame in being a momma's boy, especially when your mom is as cool as mine is. But this subject, I just don't trust myself to think about it more than I really have to yet. She doesn't know how close I came the other day to being expelled and charged with assault and battery… Or worse.

"Yeah well. There's some things I just can't.. don't.. I.. look I'm just not ready to talk about it."

"Honey. While I can't claim to know everything about you, I DO still know when you're hurting. It's kind of part of a mom's DNA and in the rulebook – we have to know those things. It's also in the rulebook we're supposed to help you to not hurt if we can. And quite honestly, since you and Rachel seem to have parted ways – for reasons I still don't yet understand – frankly, you haven't been yourself. Which tells me you're not okay with this separation at all. I don't want to pry sweetie, but can you at least let me know why it's upsetting you so much?"

Great. Well, I can't just blow off my own mom, that'd be really dick-ish. And no, I for sure don't wanna rehash it all right now… but maybe it would be good to try and get some kind of advice from her?

"Look I don't wanna go through the whole thing right now mom… but.. she kinda cheated on me with that jerk she dated last year."

"You mean the one who egged her? NO, really? Oh my goodness Finn.. why on earth would she do that? I mean, you two have practically been conjoined twins since the start of summer. It just doesn't sound like Rachel at all…" then she gave me this really creepy mom glare and asked "What did you do Finn, did you mess up again?"

What the hell, why does she assume it's MY fault? I swear, WOMEN!

"NO mom, no! I didn't mess up this time… geez way to be on Team Son."

"Oh Finny, I'm sorry. But you have to admit it's not that far fetched a notion. Especially concerning this girl."

Well no, it isn't. But still. Does that have to mean I automatically become 'one of the usual suspects' anytime there's a problem? If Rachel was here she'd even be defending me right now… then again, if she was here then we prob'ly wouldn't even need to be having this conversation.

"I really don't wanna get into everything, there's so much more to the story that happened before she did that – all of which was a big misunderstanding – but she broke up with me because of it. We almost worked through that crap though until she told me she'd already cheated before the breakup."

"Oh honey… she broke up with you? And she cheated. Well no wonder you're so down in the dumps."

"Yeah.. s-she just.. I can't understand why she went back to HIM of all people. And before I found out about her running to him, I was willing to forgive her for all the other stuff and we were just gonna move on and everything was gonna be fine. But now that I know she kissed someone else who was NOT me, and worse yet, it was THAT ass-clown–"

"Language, Finn."

"Sorry. Anyway. I don't know what to do or how to feel. I can't look at her at all without thinking about what she did. I can't stop thinking about it even when I'm alone and it's eating away at my insides and making me so CRAZY angry. How do you get over something like this?"

"Well sweetheart… Rachel cheating on you is certainly a big issue, and yes, I can understand how hurt you must be. But it seems like you've only given me the last page of a novel and asked me to review the whole book…"

Huh? What does this have to do with book reviews? Mom must know the look on my face because she explained before I could ask…

"What I'm saying honey is, Rachel is a darling girl." Ugh… why does she have to keep saying her name? Just hearing it make me wanna break down.

"You know how fond of her I am. And from what I've seen, she thinks you just walk on water. I've seen the way you two interact; even a blind person would know how in love and crazy about each other you are. That's basically a textbook definition of the DREAM GIRL whom any mother would want for her son…"

Yeah I thought she was MY dream girl too.. But right now I'm sorta wondering if maybe I had it figured all wrong from the start.

"...But honey, you've done some really stupid things with this girl in the past. And now you're giving me less than half a story so I'm still left wondering what part you played in this situation."

Aw c'mon, what's with all these accusations?

"Mom, seriously I swear to you on dad's ashes, this time I didn't screw anything up! I mean she thought maybe I did, but like I said it was a misunderstanding, she didn't have all the facts. And what's worse, she didn't even wait to hear MY side of the story before she made all these stupid dumb decisions and dumped me."

"Okay… well, if all that is true, have you talked with her about all these things yet? Does she know she made a mistake?"

"Yeah, sh-she does… well, we were in the middle of resolving it all and getting back together, til she told me about the cheating kissing – then I just kinda lost it and sent her away. We haven't talked since."

"Hmm. I see. Rachel is a bit dramatic and overly emotional sometimes.. And you should have learned by now, teenage girls tend to be very insecure – though Rachel seems to be even moreso."

I couldn't help but laugh at that. "YEAH, like seriously you don't even know the half of it mom!"

"Wait a minute... Is this whole situation why your phone is broken?"

Yikes. I didn't exactly tell her how I smashed the hell outta the damn thing… as far as she knows I just dropped it in the parking lot and a car ran it over. Maybe if I just duck my head and don't make eye contact she'll just skip over it.

"Finn Christopher! We've really got to do something about your temper."

Or not. Guess the innocent duck and hide move was no match for my voodoo mom.

"Anyway, what I was saying was.. teenage emotions and insecurities aside, that doesn't make it ok to just cheat. So I certainly do understand your hurt feelings about that, especially after the nightmare from last year with that horrible girl and all that baby nonsense. But from where I sit and what you've said, the issues seem to be all about trust and communication – or a lack of both maybe?"

See why I like talking to her sometimes? My mom is like so super smart. She just gets it.

"Yeah, yeah.. I think that's exactly the problem."

"Well Finny, you're entitled to some time and space to sort out your feelings, but I hope you realize that trust and communication are the bedrock foundation in any good lasting relationship – even maybe more important than LOVE. At some point you and Rachel really should sit down and have a long conversation. Even if you don't decide to work things out and get back together, you at least need closure. Both of you. Without that honey, I'm afraid neither of you will ever be able to fully move on."

"But I'm still too angry to talk to her about it. She wants to talk, she's already apologized and I know she regrets things… but I'm afraid of the damage I could cause if I talk to her right now. You know how hot-headed I can get. I don't wanna lash out at her like that, she's too delicate and I can't be the one to hurt her like that."

"You're still protecting her, even though she broke your heart."

" Well, yeah.. 'Course I am. When she hurts, I hurt.. And you've already seen what happens to me when I'm the cause of her pain."

"Well if all of what you just said is true, it tells me three things: One, you really need some time and space to yourself to sort things out and decide how to talk about it calmly with her… and two, if you're that concerned about the collateral damage of talking too soon, then you must obviously still care enough to protect the future of your relationship. And if you're both that committed, then I don't see how you two can't work things out."

"Yeah? You really think that's true?"

"Yes I really do…You still love her don't you."

She said it as a statement, not a question, but I still had to say it out loud. "With all my heart mom. It's also why it hurts so damn much."

"LANGUAGE Finn! But… yes I thought so. So then, just give yourself a break for now. You know that expression, time heals all wounds? It exists for a reason. You're both so young, you have all the time in the world to straighten things out. Meanwhile, try to find something – activities or friends to take your mind off of it for a bit. Think things through when it isn't so raw and the wounds aren't so fresh. And then talk to Rachel when your ready and more clear-headed. In fact you may even see things differently after a little time passes."

"Yeah. That's probably good advice mom…. But, what was the third thing? You said there was three… "

"Oh.. just that I raised my boy right, and I'm so proud that he's become such a mature, responsible, loving young man."

Is she trying to make me cry now?

"Yeah maybe, .. but if that's true, it's just because you're such an awesome mom. Thanks for everything… and I maybe don't say it enough but you're the best, and I love you." I kissed her on the cheek and she pulled me into a big hug.

"I know I am.. Haha! Aww I love you so much Finny. You really are the best thing I ever did. Now finish up setting the table, Burt's going to be home any second looking for his supper and I swear he's worse than you about waiting for his food!"

. . . . .

SINGLE WHITE FEMALE MEETS FATAL ATTRACTION…?

Okay. I thought I was imagining things at first, but nope, definitely not. Quinn has been acting weird since I've been back to school. I thought I was pretty clear last year after the whole fake baby story that we're done – like FOREVER DONE permanently. So like, piss off and have a nice life or whatever.

The other day she tried to corner me at my locker but I saw her coming so I bolted off in the other direction. Yesterday in Bio she handed me a note asking why I haven't returned her calls. (Oh yeah about that… remember my phone was broken and I didn't get it replaced for a week? Well, when I finally got my new phone, I'd only listened to the 23 voicemails Rachel left me, and I was too wrecked to go any further since most them were left AFTER the day of her confession. But when I finally got around to the rest, there were 3 messages from Quinn, all asking to meet. I just deleted them and forgot about it.)

Anyway. She keeps staring holes into me in class, and four different times she tried to catch me at my locker. The couple times when I bothered to go to glee (because McDouche wasn't there) she tried to sit next to me, but I moved to the other side of the room.

But today I overheard her yelling something at Rachel, calling her 'man hands' again and that was IT. It's bad enough I have to keep dodging her to avoid her craziness but I'm NOT letting her treat Rach like crap. God knows what bullshit she was saying to her, I didn't hear that much.

So when the dismissal bell rang, I saw her headed toward my locker again and this time I didn't hide from her. I told her meet me under the bleachers, figured that was a safe enough place to say what I had to without being seen or heard. But I think I kinda fucked up picking that spot because I totally forgot we used to make out under there when we were dating, so when I got there she immediately grabbed me and tried to kiss me again.

"What the hell, STOP IT QUINN! Haven't you screwed up my life enough yet?"

"What do you mean Finny? This was always our spot, I thought you remembered, isn't that why you wanted to meet here?"

"No actually, I didn't remember. I've tried to erase all trace memories of you from my brain since you tried to ruin my life last year. And as you're well aware I'm completely in love with Rachel – which yeah, by the way thanks SO fucking much for helping screw things up with me and her over that unwanted sneak attack kiss. But even if I wasn't in love with someone else there's still NO amount of stupid enough left in me to ever EVER wanna get back with you in any capacity!"

"I don't understand Finn. You talked me into quitting Cheerios for you. You were so assertive and inspiring and manly.. commanding attention in a way I'd never seen from you before. It was so hot it really turned me on.. a lot. And you got your QB title back. It only makes sense that we pick up where we left off last year, y'know, before that unfortunate mishap with Puck detoured us and before that little singing troll got in the way."

"Did you fall and hit your head or something? Are you on drugs? I didn't talk you into quitting Cheerios for ME it was for the GLEE CLUB. Whatever crazy delusions you're having thinking that I did anything to try to get back with you, you need to go get some help, take some Haldol or something because in NO WAY am I ever headed back to those shark infested waters with you EVER again. You burned that bridge last year and there is just NO coming back from it. It would be a stretch to ever even call you a friend again."

"Then why did you kiss me back?"

"Really? Are you… I did NOT kiss you back! I totally remember SHOVING you away from me and telling you to stop! Yeah please get some professional help soon because you clearly not only have delusions but your hearing and memory are on the fritz too. And this is the ONLY time I'm gonna warn you – STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM RACHEL. I better not hear about you lashing out at her, calling her names, or in any way making her life miserable ever again, or you will be sorry."

"Oh, and what are you gonna do Finn, are you gonna beat me? Are you gonna spank me if I misbehave?"

She's sliding her finger up and down my chest and yeah – I gotta get the hell away from her fast before I ACTUALLY do hit her….

"Oh my god ENOUGH Quinn knock it off! Of course not – but I WILL be sure that Figgins hears about how you're BULLYING someone again, and now that there's an anti bullying policy in place I'm pretty sure that means expulsion. THAT is why I called you out here, to tell you that.. And now that I have, I'm done. Fuck off Quinn, and get some help. And do not try to contact me again."

. . . . .

FRIENDS AND DISTRACTIONS.

I know mom gave me some really good advice. Problem is, everyone I'm friends with is also her friend (well, sorta, mostly?) and the gossip mill is already churning. Half of them wanna help, half of them just wanna get details… and pretty much all of them are worried about how this affects glee and our upcoming regionals.

So I've sorta been keeping to myself a lot trying to avoid talking about it with anyone. I've been running a lot too. Sometimes a good jog helps clear my mind. Kurt's been pretty cool at keeping neutral and not prying or pushing advice or opinions at me (must be brotherly perks, because it's really very UN-Kurtlike for him to be holding back so much)… but I can only do so many Broadway show tune singalongs or musical movie nights before I'm kinda losing my mind again. Thankfully I still have my trusty xBox to serve as the best distraction therapy.

I don't know what's happened to me, why I can't ever just shut my brain off when I want to anymore? I used to be the king of just vegging out and letting my mind go blank. Feels like the past several months it's gotten harder and harder to do that… I'm always THINKING now. And asking questions about stuff that never mattered to me before. And imaging about how things could be.. It's like someone woke up part of my brain that'd been zoning out the whole time. Crap. Ok right, we all know that's exactly what happened and WHO it was that flipped the switch.

Anyway. This is why it's kinda cool that me and Allie became friends. She doesn't know all the glee baggage, and even if anyone filled her in on all the whole history, she's too new and has no skin in the game yet. She sure doesn't have some crazy OCD type inhuman competitive edge about glee, or anything really - well, except maybe Halo. She just sings for the fun of it and joined the club to make new friends (glee must not be thought of as the same loser collective where she came from). She's kinda the perfect neutral disinterested third party distraction (yeah, look at me using 5 syllable words… wonder where I learned THAT from too – and YES I even know what it means; I've actually been using the PSAT flashcards that someone made for me last month since I've had so much free time lately).

AD :: Hey Finn! ::

FH :: Hey Allie :) ::

AD :: Whatcha upto? ::

FH :: nm, Halo tourney… hbu? ::

AD :: HALO? Love that game! ::

FH :: srsly? Girls dont usually like games like this ::

AD :: well i do.. Guess i'm not like most girls? lol ::

FH :: lol. Maybe not… jury still out ::

AD :: well i was gonna ask if you wanted to hang out, see a movie or something. I'm bored :( ::

FH :: uh.. maybe later. but, hey u wanna come over, play in the tourney? ::

AD :: really? Sure, sounds awesome! I'll bring my controller – it's PINK ;) ::

FH :: LOL of course it is… k, be here by 2pm. cu then? ::

AD :: sounds great, see you soon! ::

. . . . .

Allie is pretty cool. I like hanging out with her. She's not all super girlie wearing dresses and stuff, she's more like one of the guys, except she's a girl. She's not all bossy or controlling (shut up) and she's really a decent Halo player – I totally didn't even have to let her win, she legit kicked my ass fair and square. I was also kinda shocked to learn she plays basketball too! We joined in on a game of horse with a couple younger kids at the park the day after I almost went all Braveheart on the Jackass at school (and uh.. I'd deny ever saying it, but she's a way better free-thrower than me).

She's also pretty funny and she never corrects my mixed up words, she just sorta laughs at me. And she's a pretty good listener too. I told her a little bit about the break up. I mean, I didn't want her to think I was looking for a new girlfriend or anything – god knows I've had MORE THAN ENOUGH girl troubles this last couple years.. And I still love Rachel, I know we're gonna work things out eventually. Anyway. Allie was cool about all that too, she even offered me a little advice. She pointed out that maybe I'm more jealous and upset about WHO she kissed, and not so much about the kiss itself. I thought about it a while and yeah... she might have a point there.

I told her some of the history with McDouche (yeah, Puck's new name for him was totally boss and I like it better because that ass sure isn't any kinda SAINT - unless maybe there's a patron saint of girlfriend stealers and relationship wreckers). Anyway she totally figured it out right away that I probably still have some leftover hurt about him sweeping in and screwing up my life last year when he did, so maybe that's what I'm more afraid of happening again. She asked me if I really though SHE would do that, leave me for HIM. Well, I really gave that question a long think before I answered because honestly, I hadn't looked at it like that before. It really didn't occur to me that SHE might ever do something that cold to me, at least not without me royally screwing up beforehand. Like I might just be doing right now by avoiding talking to her for so long? Shit. SHIT! No, I don't think she would ever officially go back to him… but I also think I need to figure out how to talk to her about stuff pretty damn soon.. Before it really IS too late.

. . . . .

So, since me and Allie have gotten to be friends, we talked about our families and stuff. When I told her my dad died when I was a baby, she started crying.. Like HARD. Turns out, her dad was killed in a car accident a couple years ago. That's why she had to come stay with her grandparents since her mom had to take a job that requires a lot of travel but pays better. We totally related to the feeling of missing our dads, so partly for that reason and partly because Allie is still new in Glee and hasn't had a lot of chances to sing, I suggested we do a duet and dedicate it to our dads. We picked a pretty rad Mariah Carey song and we're gonna sing it together.

. . . . .

"Mr. Schue? If it's ok, me and Allie have a song ready for today… it's not part of a lesson or anything, just something we worked on."

"Sure Finn! Glad to see you back, and it'll be great to hear your voice again. And Allie, it's so good to see you breaking our of your shell a little. We're excited to hear you again… so let's see what you've got… and don't hold back either!"

I didn't miss the look on Rachel's face as we came up to sit in front of the club. She is NOT happy about this. Well, she's just gonna have to deal.. It's just a song. I'm pretty surprised myself that I even came back in here at all. Too many memories that I'm just focusing on the song I'm about to sing to keep them pushed away.

"Yeah so… As you all know, Allie's new at McKinley and wanted to participate more in the club while she's here. You all know I lost my dad when I was a baby, and turns out Allie lost her dad too in an accident not long ago. So we're dedicating this song to our dads."

Allie took the first part…

There's a hero, If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid, Of what you are

I took the next part…

There's an answer, If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know, Will melt away

Then we sang the chorus together… and Allie reached over and took my hand, which I wasn't really expecting.

And then a hero comes along, With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside, And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone, Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth, That a hero lies in you

I have to say, she's not like, Broadway bound, but she can really sing. Our voices aren't too bad together on the harmonies either. Couple little iffy spots maybe, prob'ly just because I'm kinda rusty now and also we don't have the benefit of all the years practice together, like me and…. {{sigh}}

When we finished, I glanced over to her sitting on the back row risers and saw the tears in her eyes. Before I even got up from my stool, she bolted out of the room… and I don't know why – or well, maybe I do – but I just automatically ran out after her.

"Rachel…" I caught up to her easily and snagged her by the hand. She froze in place but wouldn't turn around to face me. I knew she had her other hand covering her face and was full on sobbing now. Dammit… I can't talk to her out in the middle of this hallway. There's an empty classroom right next to us so I kinda pulled her in there and closed the door behind us.

She still wouldn't turn around to look at me. So I walked up behind her and put my hands on her shoulders. The sobs came harder then, and her legs were starting to buckle. I was afraid she was gonna full on collapse so I wrapped an arm around her waist.

After a few minutes she started to settle down and I felt her hand on my now tear-soaked arm. Then I felt her pulling my arm away from her and she started to finally turn around to face me but she took a step back.

"Why her Finn?"

"It's not what you think it is… We're just friends." I'm having a hard time looking her in the eyes.. Those beautiful eyes are so sad right now and it tears me into little pieces seeing her like this. But I know I have to at least TRY to get past my own rage and pain and hopefully start a conversation. I can't lose her friendship, and even just as friends first, I can't stand this pain between us. And the crying is going back into sobbing again…

"You h-haven't talked to m-me in weeks, but you've b-been spending a lot of time with h-her, haven't you?"

"Well yeah… I mean no, not a LOT but.. Like I said, we're just friends. And well, you know why we haven't talked."

Her face changed dramatically just then and I'm positive that super-defensive-Rachel is about to make an appearance.

"Right. Yes. You wanted space. Because I messed up so badly that you couldn't even talk to me long enough to tell me if you were completely done with me or not. And then you went off and found a new.. Friend." She's turning from hopelessly sobbing to angry now.. This is all sorta part of her defense mechanism and she HAS used it on me a time or two before. And I never like it either… it feels all wrong. Plus, the more angry she gets the more likely I'm gonna say things I really don't wanna say…

"Rachel, I promise it's not like that. I mean.. I guess it sorta is, but it's not… just, don't read into things, please."

"You've missed most of our glee practices for almost a month now Finn. WE haven't sung together since, well… I almost can't remember now…"

"Duets competition." I totally remember… because it was one of the best glee homework sessions in her room ever, being rewarded for coming up with the 'losing' idea. But I can't sit here now thinking about those awesome memories.. It's hard enough just to be standing here with her right now, with so much unresolved stuff between us.

"Yes.. right, duets competition. Months ago. And now you show up suddenly with your new friend and you're singing with her and… it feels like… it feels like.."

"I'm not replacing you Rach." She looked at me with a completely stunned look – like as if I didn't know how her train of thought works by now?

"Oh okay.. You're not replacing me.., yet I'm not the one singing with you, she is. You're not replacing me, but you're spending time with her while boycotting all communication with me… are you seeing her outside of school too?"

"We've hung out some, just a few times. Mostly video games and a couple trips to places like the mall, and the park once. But it's just friendship, Rach. Like if I went out with Mike or Artie, same kinda thing."

"Have you taken her bowling? Or to the lake?"

"Rachel… "

"Honesty right Finn? That's our promise, isn't it? …Or, does that even matter now? Or do you hate me?"

"NO, of course I don't hate you! Would I be here now if I did?"

"Finn, I'm so confused, and I'm not sure why either of us are in here right now. What are we doing? It feels like you've already washed your hands of me over this ONE little thing, it's one little thing I did as an admittedly VERY poor reaction to a whole other bigger set of circumstances – some things that YOU could've helped deflate sooner if you'd just talked to me about them first… and then I did the same thing back to you by not waiting for you to talk to me before I texted you that night. How is this ever going to get better, especially when you keep saying you're not able to talk about it?"

She's baiting me into having THE talk right now and I'm just not there yet…

"Look, this whole conversation is SO much bigger than I'm ready to have with you right now, and school is just not the place we should be doing this anyway. I know you're confused, I am too… that's why I asked for space, for time to sort out my feelings. I don't want us to say things to each other that we can't take back. But honestly, whatever is going on with me and Allie shouldn't matter to you in the least right now since you already broke up with me."

"But Finn, that's completely unfair! You KNOW I didn't mean it I told you it was a mistake! After the last time we talked I thought you forgave me for everything including that stupid text."

"Well yeah I did… but then you told me you kissed another guy - and you did it BEFORE the breakup text! And not just ANY guy Rachel – THAT ASSHOLE! I just.. Dammit. I don't want to fight. I definitely don't want to talk about this here."

"So why did you bother following me out here at all Finn? You're obviously not interested in talking to me or fixing us, saving us, you seem to be already moving on, and you expect me to dutifully, what, sit here in silence like a trained dog while you 'take your space,' and then what? Are we ever going to have this conversation or are you just going to forget all about me and fall in love with HER?"

"UGH! Rachel please stop it. Please! I do NOT want to say things that will hurt you. No I'm not in love with Allie, and have no intention of falling in love with anyone else – and even if I wanted to, I don't think I COULD because I'm so damned completely in love with you, and I have been for over a year and that hasn't changed a bit… but you just keep doing these things that push ME away… and it fucking HURTS ok?" I shouldn't have said that. Not any of it.. But see? See how she pushes me to this? I know she wants answers and resolutions and she's totally used to getting her way like, ALL the time, but this time I just can't give it to her. Not because I don't want to but I just am not capable of it, not yet… and I gotta figure out if I even CAN.

"Oh okay.. So it's ME pushing you into hotel rooms with Santana Lopez?"

"Stop. I came clean with you about that, the same way you told me the truth about you and HIM. Stop rehashing old problems and turning them into new ones." ARRGGG SHE'S SO FRUSTRATING! I need to get out of here, we need to end this before it gets so ugly that we go past the point of no return.

"Well Finn, you obviously really don't have a CLUE how hard it is for me, when you have a track record of rarely defending me in the past – not even to our fellow glee members who tear me down ALL the time – and I have to be YOUR version of the perfect girlfriend for this to work between us while there's so many other hotter girls throwing themselves at you ALL THE TIME! I don't know how I'm NOT supposed to have feelings about that! And now you're asking me to basically ignore things like QUINN FABRAY KISSING YOU IN THE HALLWAY. And I'm supposed to just be totally fine and unaffected, does that make any sense to you?"

"JESUS Rachel.. First of all, I've never asked you to be anyone who you are not! I don't even know what the hell your 'my perfect version of a girlfriend' bullshit means… I've never tried to change you! I love YOU as you are and I always have. I know I'm not perfect, far from it.. I screwed up with you so many times already yeah, but dammit, that is all in the PAST. I'VE changed so much, because you MADE me, not like you said the words to want me to change, but like in the way that you make me feel like I need to be a better person for you, to deserve you… and I still never feel good enough to be yours most of the time.. You've got so much talent and you WILL be a huge star one day I just know you will.. Meanwhile I try my best to help you get there, and to put you first in everything I do, and in return YOU break up with me in a TEXT MESSAGE for something that wasn't even MY doing! I ALWAYS look at things from your point of view and consider how YOU feel, can you say that you do the same for me?"

FUUUCK this is why I didn't want to talk yet! I know I'm saying things that she's gonna hate me for at some point if not already! She's crumbling in front of me, holding herself to try and stop shaking and SHIT why can't I make my eyes stop dripping?!

"I.. Rachel.. I care too much about you, about us.. Of course I care about us. And I want so bad to go back to like, a month ago when we were PERFECT and happy. But all this shit happened now, you KISSED Jesse. You didn't believe in me enough to hear me out before you dumped me. Yeah, sure Quinn started this current round of crap, but YOU have a big role in it too now. And I want to NOT feel all the ugly things I feel at the moment before we really talk about US again. But I promise, I DO want to talk about it.. I'm just asking you to give me some more time. Please. I know you love me.. And I do love you.. But whether or not we love each other is not the problem. Your insecurities and lack of TRUST in me is the problem right now. Oh and the fact that you cheated on me. So can we just… let's just take some more time – both of us – think about these last few weeks. Think about how we can fix it going forward, and how we can TALK without hurting each other. And we will talk, but I don't want you to end up hating ME. That's why I just can't do it now. Okay? Can you do this for me? For both of us?"

At this point she's kneeling on the floor, just endless tears falling. I can't even tell if she's actually breathing… I feel like I said too many things I didn't wanna say. And maybe she did too. My heart is so broken right now, for her, for me… and I just need to get out of here but I can't – will not – walk away from her when she's like this.

I kneeled down with her and took her hands. She leaned forward with her head hung low and fell against my chest. I wrapped my arms around her and rubbed her back and PLEASE let her say okay to this… we need a break. We both do.. And I hope the hell we're not too late to save us.

"Rach? Please answer me… can we just take the time we need?"

"Will you… can you agree that we won't be romantically involved with anyone else while we're on this break?"

{{SIGH}} Okay.. this is a good response. "Yeah.. YES. I think that's the very best thing Rach because I know I don't WANT to be with anyone else but you… just, we have some big problems to fix. But neither of us can do that right now. So we're just gonna, push the pause button for right now. Let's not call it a BREAK, it's just a PAUSE."

"So.. are we just not gonna talk at all? I mean, Finn, you're not just the love of my life you're also my best friend, so.. Am I losing my friend too?"

Oh god… this is seriously KILLING me…

"No baby. You'll never lose my friendship… but you just can't push me to talk about THIS, y'know, us. I'll be here for you for whatever else, but.. But y'know, a little bit of space there too might help. I'm not saying don't call me ever, I'm saying call me when you really need me. And like, if we spend too much time alone together THIS is how it's gonna end up again. More fighting. Until we can clear everything up, we just need a breather. Can you live with that?"

"Well I guess I don't have a lot of choice in the matter do I?"

"Rach…"

"Okay Finn.. no, you're right. It would be counterproductive to say we're on a br.. PAUSE and then be around each other all the time as usual. It's fine. I'll find another way to school like I have been. But… how long do you think this pause needs to be?"

Dammit. I can't possibly answer that. "Rachel I don't think we can set an alarm clock on this. I mean, what I can say is, I don't want this pause at all… I know we need it, but I sure don't want it to take that long. Let's see how things are in maybe another week. We can check in, see if we're ready to talk yet. If either of us needs more time, we'll just go from there."

She's pouting and wiping her tears away and nodding, but I know she doesn't wanna say yes to this. I really don't either.. But mom's right. We need space from each other to be able to work this out without hating each other. I never ever want that…

"Okay…. But Finn, can I ask one thing? Can I please kiss you one last time?"

And then my lips were on hers for I don't know how long but I kinda wish it was forever, because who knows when we'll be doing this again. I really hope it won't be that long… and I'm already missing her.

. . . . .

---

A/N2 - Song Credits:

Finn's iPod:
Kings of Leon - 'Walls' - title track from the 2016 album release of the same name
Kings of Leon - 'Beautiful War' - from the 2013 album Mechanical Bull
Whitney Houston - 'Didn't We Almost Have It All' - from the 1987 album Whitney

(suspend reality & ignore the release dates; the lyrics worked too well – plus I love KOL and I'm ignoring the fact they snubbed Ryan for the show… so just go with it LOL)

. . . . .
Finn & Allie's duet: Mariah Carey - 'Hero' - from the 1993 album Music Box

A companion playlist for this story called LIFE SUCKS on my anothergleekgirl YouTube music channel with all these songs plus the ones Kurt mentioned last chapter.

---

Also, some post-chapter FYI's..

the big section in italics while Finn & Puck are in the weight room is a flashback scene (obviously) picking up right after Rachel had come to Finn's locker when he couldn't talk to her and walked away. That happens on the Thursday of the week Finn returned to school (Day 12.5 after Q kissed Finn, Day 8 after Rach confessed to kissing Jesse)

THE Q INCIDENT - refers to the Friday that Quinn kissed Finn

THE CONFESSION - refers to 4 days later when Rachel tells Finn about being with Jesse that Fri night