Thank you so much everyone for the reception on the last chapter, it's great to be back xx

There's a lot of talking in this chapter, I've just realised. Hope you guys like dialogue?

If you haven't checked it out yet, over in Jasper's POV in Golden he's just met a certain well to do Northerner in Maria's camp!

August 12th, 1916.

Esme just couldn't get comfortable. No matter what she did, she shuffled and huffed and sighed but at the end of the day it was far too hot and since no one in this blasted house ever opened any windows it was far too stuffy.

She spied Jasper watching her out of the corner of her eye. He smirked. "Are you okay?"

"No!" she exclaimed, falling back onto the sofa with a groan. "It's hot and I'm bored and this couch gets sticky when it's humid."

"Does it?"

"Does hot weather even bother you?"

"I honestly never notice it except for keeping up appearances."

"Oh," Esme sighed again.

Jasper took pity on her. "It's cloudy out. How about you go get your parasol and we'll walk around the park? You can use my arm as an ice pack."

Esme perked up at the idea of fresh air and exercise, she grinned and jumped up. "Good idea!"

Jasper laughed. "Bella?" he called out to the only other person in the house, loudly for Esme's benefit. "You coming?"

"No!" she shouted back loudly enough for Esme to hear. "I'm busy!"

Esme paused, how can someone with literally all the time in the world be too busy for a twenty minute walk? She took her parasol from the rack by the front door and peeked her head into the sunroom. Bella sat on the floor, surrounded by papers and scribbling words too small for Esme to read, totally unaffected by the sweltering humidity in the unventilated room.

Esme cleared her throat. "Would you ever let me read the book you're writing?"

"Sure." Bella replied, not looking up. "I'll transcribe it into a bigger font sometime."

"Great!" Esme smiled, Bella still didn't look up. "What's it about?"

"The future."

"The future? You mean the actual future that you come from?"

"Yes."

"Umm," Esme couldn't help but feel awkward as the girl just wouldn't respond properly. "What's it like?"

Bella paused for a second, frowned, then started scribbling with even more focus than before. "It was... different."

Esme opened her mouth to try to formulate some response to that, but Jasper touched her elbow from behind and shook his head. Don't bother right now.

She pressed her lips together and followed him out the front door. Bella had been getting more and more distant since Esme and Carlisle got married, in the last few weeks she had barely spoken at all.

The sun was thoroughly covered in clouds, but it didn't reduce the ridiculous humidity. Esme put her parasol up and held it high enough that it might shield Jasper from a rogue ray. He smiled gratefully and offered his arm for her to take, his skin was cool under his thin jacket and it soothed her just enough when she focused on it.

"... is Bella alright?" she asked once they reached the park and were definitely out of her hearing range.

"As far as I know. Why do you ask?"

She sighed. "Because lately it seems like she hates me."

He shook his head and patted her hand. "She doesn't hate you, I promise."

"Then what's going on?"

His mouth twisted in thought. "Bella has some abandonment issues. Something happened when she was human that ripped her apart. I don't know exactly what, she won't tell me."

"Okay…"

"So she distances herself from people to protect herself, leaves them before they can leave her."

Esme paused in thought. Did Bella think she was going to leave her? Why would Esme leave when she was married to Carlisle? He would certainly never abandon Bella.

Jasper interrupted her musings. "Have you noticed she's been doing a similar thing to me? It's just what she does, don't take it too personally."

"But… why would she think I would leave her? And you're her favourite brother, why would you leave her?"

He winced. "Bella and I aren't really brother and sister, you know."

"Well yes, I know you're not really related."

"No, I mean-" he huffed "-Bella and Peter are like brother and sister, Bella and Carlisle are like father and daughter. Bella and I are not like relations in any way."

Esme frowned. How could that be when they always appeared so close?

He sighed. "Bella and I are complicated. I love her more than anything in the world, but… not in a brotherly way, if you understand my meaning."

"Oh! Oh…" Esme suddenly saw their relationship in a whole different light. How closely they stood together, how well tuned to each other they were, how their eyes shot to each other the second one stepped into the room. "And she doesn't feel the same way?"

"It's not that," he sighed, "like I said, it's complicated. If I talk about it it sounds like I'm whining, so you should really ask her."

"Only if she'll talk to me…" she grumbled "…and don't think I didn't notice you changing the subject. Why does Bella think you or I would leave her?"

He didn't answer. "What do you think about Bella?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you know her very well by now." He shrugged. "Looking after her wellbeing can be a full time job sometimes, I was wondering if you had noticed anything about her."

"I…" Esme stopped and thought. "I haven't known her nearly as long as you so maybe it's normal, but sometimes Bella looks as if…"

"As if?"

"As if she's pretending to be happy. Sometimes when she's alone she acts differently, quieter - it's like she's tired of putting on the act."

Jasper smiled and looked to the ground. "You're very perceptive, you know, Mrs Cullen."

"Why yes, I've been told."

He huffed a laugh. "You're right, Bella does put on an act these days."

"Why?"

"You know we say Carlisle is our father, it's more of a title for me and Peter. He took us in when we were fresh out of a war camp, kept us safe and made decisions when we had no idea what we were doing. He's the voice of reason in our dumb little family and I respect the hell outta him. If anyone's gonna be my father I want it to be him - but Bella? He's her actual father. She barely remembers a time before she knew him. He essentially raised her, she turned when she was still a teenager and he was there for her every moment.. and in the future, so were you."

"You mean…"

"I mean that to Bella, Esme Cullen was as much her mother as Carlisle Cullen was her father."

Esme's breath caught, she frowned and stared at a particularly large dandelion in the otherwise perfect grass. "I hadn't thought of that."

"That's fair. It's an odd thing to wrap your head around."

They walked together in silence for a while. Puzzle pieces were beginning to slot together in her head. Bella was distancing herself to avoid abandonment, but it wasn't Esme she was scared of losing. At least not this Esme.

She stopped and turned to him. "Am I like her? Future Esme, I mean."

"I've never met future Esme," he replied. "She wrote a letter to Bella and I have had the honour of reading it. She was a loving woman, incredibly maternal. She cared deeply for Bella and all her children - including me apparently," he laughed. "She was also clever and strong and funny. In that sense she's just like you."

Esme had always thought she would be a good mother, but since she had decided to marry Carlisle she had thrown the idea of children out the window. Even if they adopted, how do you teach your human children not to tell their school friends about how their family doesn't eat or sleep? She hadn't thought about it in a long time.

She sighed and started to walk again, Jasper still tentatively at her side. She didn't look straight at him, he always seemed like he knew too much.

"But Bella's 30 years older than me," she eventually said.

Jasper nodded. "Yes, Bella's Esme was over 80 years older than her and had been turned when she was older than you are now. It's a different situation."

"You keep referring to her as 'was'," Esme frowned. "Like she's dead."

Jasper slowed and tightened his grip on her arm. "Isn't she?"

Bella was still sitting in the little sunroom when they returned through the back door, scribbling something at a speed Esme could barely keep track of. Bella looked up to acknowledge them then returned to her project, the tip of her tongue slipped out in concentration.

Esme peaked over at the pages strewn around the floor. Bella's writing was so small it only looked like a blurry line to her human eyes, but it all slanted off center and ran off the page at an angle.

She couldn't help the rush of affection at this 54 year old woman who still didn't bother to write in a straight line. Strange in concept, but it felt right.

Bella didn't feel 30 years older than her, it didn't even feel like Bella was 18 most of the time. She was so carefree and easily distracted, stubborn as a child and dependent on authority. It was as Jasper said a few months ago, she realised. Vampires don't change after they turn; not in the obvious sense, since they still learn and grow as people - but in outlook they would never change.

Bella seemed like a teenager because she was a teenager. When she was turned she was just a girl who was in way over her head, constantly being looked after and loved. She may have lived 35 years since then, but she could live another 100 and never truly age. Bella would always be a teenager in every sense of the word, Peter too in his way.

So then what would Esme be? If she were to turn then what would she be forever? A 21 year old doctor's wife who teaches children every day, truly grown up and independent.

But even if she was ready to be a mother, was she ready to be a mother to a girl with 50 years worth of trauma? She wasn't sure, but no matter what her role turned out to be - she couldn't let Bella isolate herself like this out of fear.

"Bella?" she said, the girl stopped her scribbling and looked up. "I think I might go out and do some gardening after lunch. Would you like to join me?"

Perhaps she was imagining the way the girl's eyes darted away as if she was reliving some memory, or the way her smile rang differently when she finally focused back on her.

"Okay," she said. "That sounds nice."

Carlisle and the others hadn't taken particularly good care of the garden until Esme came along. The hedges were overgrown, flower beds overrun with weeds, and there were suspicious groove marks in the browning grass that told her some overly aggressive play fighting might have taken place there. She had been slowly working her way through it over summer break. The others had offered to help, but this was her project and she took joy in every part of her very slow progress.

However, there were some jobs she'd rather not do, one of them being reaching into a thorny rose bush to deal with the root of an ivy infestation. She felt a little bad that that was the first thing she asked Bella to do, but the girl dived in there head first, thorns bouncing off her impervious skin.

Once Bella's face wasn't in her direct line of view Esme finally found the courage to speak up.

"So Jasper and I were talking when we were out in the park."

Bella froze, head still in the bush. "Uhuh…"

"He said that your, that is, yours and his, relationship is complicated." Bella abruptly extracted herself from the bush with the treacherous clump of ivy in hand, thorns tangled in her hair. Esme continued. "But he said that if he talks about it it sounds like he's whining so I should ask you."

Bella hesitated, snorted, then spluttered, then the laughter erupted out of her like she couldn't hold it in any more.

"For goodness sake!" she cried out when the giggles subsided. "How is our life so ridiculous?"

"I…" Esme couldn't help but laugh herself out of confusion. "That bad, then?"

"Oh you have no idea," Bella grinned sarcastically. "Do you really want to hear it? It's a saga."

"Go on," said Esme, intrigued.

"I'm married."

"Married?" Esme rose an eyebrow. "To who?"

"No one, yet." Bella sighed. "I was married in the future, my husband was a part of the family. Remember I told you I fell for one of the Cullen sons? That was Edward, we were together when I was human and got married after I turned."

Bella undid her top button and reached into the neck of her blouse, pulling out a chain with a ring threaded onto it. She pulled it over her head and handed it to Esme to look. It was a beautiful ring, silver with clusters of diamonds.

"But…" Esme frowned and handed it back. "He's not born yet?"

"He is now, but he wasn't when I first came back in 1885." Bella put the necklace back on and tucked it safely into her blouse. "When I broke Jaz out of the warcamp, we really bonded and we ended up getting too romantic. I shouldn't have let that happen, but it did and now I have to go get Edward soon, so we need to just be friends again."

"But Jasper doesn't want to just be friends?"

"He would never ask me to give up Edward. He'll struggle every step of the way, but he'd never try to stop me. He's upset that I've tried to push him away years in advance, I think it's come on too suddenly for him. I just can't have it be awkward, I can't lose him."

Esme thought for a moment, choosing her words carefully. "Do you love Jasper?"

Bella bit her lip. "I can't let myself think like that. I did once, and it was a mistake. I should have kept my distance because now I have to lose him and it feels like no one understands. No one is on my side anymore, no one wants me to follow the letters anymore."

Esme touched her hand. "I'm on your side. If you think going to get Edward is the right thing to do, then I support you all the way."

Bella smiled a little. "Thank you, Esme."

"You're welcome." Esme dug in the ground a little and came to a conclusion. "By that matter, I think we should set a date. If you don't want to do it you can put it off forever. We should set the day when you will go to Edward. What year were you thinking of?"

"1919," Bella said, "one year after he was originally turned, to give him some more time."

Esme nodded, "Good idea. How about some time in the spring? So the days aren't too long, but you don't have to spend all your time inside."

Bella nodded but didn't say anything.

"May 1st?" Esme suggested.

Bella nodded again. "May 1st, 1919. That's when I'll go find Edward."

"Good. It'll be much easier to stick with if we have a concrete date."

Esme directed Bella over to some seedlings that needed to be planted in the beds. Bella set about her task, small smile on her face.

"I really do appreciate it, Esme. It's nice to be secure that I'm supported in this. I'm glad you're in our family."

Esme's chest ached and her lip wobbled, she reached over and squeezed Bella's hand. "Thank you, I'm glad I'm here too. Thank you for letting me in, I know it can't be easy to live with a human."

"You're worth it," Bella smiled, then abruptly studied the seedlings. "Have you… considered? Y'know…"

"Becoming like you?" Esme supplied.

Bella nodded, eyes trained on anything but Esme.

Esme sighed. "I'm just… I'm not sure. I don't have to, do I?"

Bella frowned. "No, of course you don't have to."

"But you want me to?"

"Well… yes." Bella sighed and turned back to face her, seedlings forgotten by her side. "If you stay human you'll die someday and I don't want that to happen."

"Vampires can still die."

Bella smiled absently. "Yes, but I'm much better at fighting other vampires than I am at fighting diseases."

Esme fell silent, Bella continued.

"I'm sorry if it seems like I'm pushing you," she sighed and turned back to the plants. "I don't mean to. I know this life isn't for everyone, and I'll accept any decision you make - truly. I just… don't want to lose you. Ever."

Esme swallowed. "Because I'm your mother? In the future?"

Bella froze, arm outstretched towards a trowel.

"Jasper told me about your… relationship with my future self." Said Esme.

Bella moved only to look at her, eyebrows furrowed and worried. She must have seen something that soothed her; as her limbs unlocked, she took a breath and forced a shy smile.

"Of course he did," she said. "I shouldn't have expected any less, he's a dreadful meddler you know."

Esme laughed and Bella took her hand.

"I don't remember much about my human mom," she said. "All I've got is that she was tan, she had smile lines and always smelled like coconut oil. She loved me but I had to look after her all the time. I made sacrifices so she could follow her dreams when it should really be the other way 'round - although I only know that from what people have told me…

"Esme was my real mom, in a way. She's the only one I remember. She said she loved me the second she saw me, and that it was the same for all her children. Love at first sight…" She laughed sadly. "I miss her. I've missed her for 30 years and it's never gotten any easier. She's been this comfort blanket to me, because yeah I also miss Alice, Rose, Em and Edward - but at least I'll have my mom back soon."

Esme's heart broke a little bit. "Oh Bella…"

She shook her head and looked intently at the ground. "You're not her. I've tried to convince myself that you are, but you're not. You're different people with different experiences and I was stupid to think that you at 21 would be the same as her at 106."

"I'm sorry."

Bella's head shot up and she frowned into her eyes. "Don't be sorry. It's not your problem, it's mine. Carlisle and Jasper essentially treated me the same as they always had when I found them so I didn't think to expect anything different. It's my fault for giving myself the wrong expectations. Besides… I care about you, even love you. Not because you're her, or you could be her - because you're you. You're funny and clever and you care so deeply for others without anything in return. For God's sake," she smiled and shook her head, "you called me your sister within a couple hours of meeting me."

Esme tucked a loose strand of hair behind Bella's ear. "I cared for you the moment I saw you."

Bella's eyebrows shot up, she bit her lip and her eyes started to glisten. Esme couldn't help herself, she pulled Bella towards her and propelled herself forwards when it didn't work. She hugged her rock hard body with all her might. Bella's hands rested gently on her back and she sighed into her shoulder.

"I'll miss her forever," she whispered, "but I'm looking forward to spending my life with you. I can't wait to see what you'll become, even though it won't be her."

Esme held her tighter, this poor girl who had been orphaned twice over. She might never be Bella's Esme. She would never grow into an exact copy of the woman Bella knew in the future. But she would love and care for her all the same. If not as her mother, just as family.

Later, in the relative privacy of her bedroom, Esme went to her little writing desk and opened the drawer. In it was a letter, soft and old, but pristine and unopened. A message from Bella's Esme to her.

She was finally going to open it.

She settled into her window seat and slipped her finger under the seal. The flap popped open with no damage to the paper at all, the adhesive had degraded with age.

She was faced with writing just like hers, only it seemed smoother somehow, bolder and larger.

Esme,

How strange to be writing a letter to myself. I'm trying to imagine what I would be doing in your position but it's all so insane I'm struggling. I don't blame you if you're having trouble, I know I would too.

I'm not entirely sure what to say. I could dazzle you with information only I could know, but Bella has gone back to before you were born and I don't know if you have had all the same experiences. I don't know her full plan, I don't even think she does.

That's my girl though, she runs in first and thinks later. It gets awfully funny sometimes, especially watching her and Jasper run rings around each other. Jasper stresses over everything, safety in particular - while Bella is like a wrecking ball sometimes, breaking through his walls, jumping into danger and pulling him along with her. I know he's always happy to spend time with her though. They're a good pair, I think. They fill each other's shortcomings.

You should have met Jasper by now - provided Bella has succeeded in liberating him from Maria's camp. I can't lie, I am so worried about them. I hope beyond hope that you know them and they're both unharmed. I'm terrified that it might be too much to ask for.

Bella might not have told you much about the future, but there are a few people I would like you to know about. My children.

I lost my first child, my son that I carried as a human. Bella might have told you about him, or she might have tried to protect you from my pain - ask her if you want, she knows the whole story. Edward was my second son, my second chance at motherhood. You might have met him and Alice already, they were turned at around the same time as me and I'm not sure of Bella's plans for them yet. They're wonderful, although I might just be saying that as their mother. Edward is sensitive and caring, he would move mountains for those he loves. Alice is clever and so thoughtful. Her gift is to see the future, millions of them all at once, and she will still sift through them to tell you what the traffic will be like tomorrow.

You are unlikely to have met Rosalie and Emmett at the time you're reading this. They're my darlings, they really are. They love each other so fiercely and have from the moment they laid eyes on each other.

Rosalie has had a difficult life with many disappointments, and she appears cold because of it - but that's only a front she puts up. Who knows? Maybe Bella will save her from her troubles and she might feel able to be the sweet girl she hides from the rest of us. It might take a miracle, but who knows what's possible?

Emmett though, he doesn't hide a thing. He's a sweetheart through and through, impossible not to love. Not all of them particularly feel like siblings to each other, we are a complicated family after all! Emmett, however, has always been Bella's big brother. They are so naturally comfortable together. I'm sure Bella misses him. Well, I'm sure she misses all of them, but Emmett is so far away from her and she loves him so uncomplicatedly. I feel for her. My heart breaks for her.

I hope they're happy, that's all I could ever dream to hope for.

I hope you're happy too. I hope you have the experiences that have made my life so wonderful. I hope you get the chance to love the people I love.

I wish you luck and joy.

Sincerely,

Esme Cullen.

Esme bit her lip, then greedily read the letter again. She absorbed her future self's words like they were a lifeline. It was her but in a time where she knew better, where horrible things had happened to her and she was wiser for it. A version of her who was a mother, who knew this family better than they knew themselves.

If she stayed human she would die in 60 years. How much would she miss out on? Who would she miss out on?

Maybe living forever wouldn't be so bad.

She sighed and spoke, knowing all her family could hear her.

"I will turn. I'll be like you."