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Ch.59- "Cum Cera"

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The week following the meeting with the queen and her councilors and the heads of the military might have been calm for the recruits, perhaps even for Levi and Hange, but they were little more than a stress-fueled nightmare for Erwin. He spent little time doing the things required by his station- going over the Corps' budget and supplies, canceling extraneous orders that their minuscule branch no longer required and the like. Most of his time was spent in his quarters, doing what little he could for Thomasin besides hold her hand.

He had grown quite used to the constant vomiting, emptying and refilling the bucket every time she used it, but it was quickly growing worrisome. Morning sickness was supposed to stop at some point, surely, or at least get better, but hers seemed to be getting worse. And when she wasn't retching, she was moaning and groaning in pain, almost constantly. Her hip was clearly causing her extreme discomfort, but she also complained of terrible migraines and stomach pains and aches that encompassed her entire body. Combined with the cold sweat that soaked through the sheets every day, it hadn't taken long for his worry to escalate to full-blown fear. Fevers and chills and aches and pains were the symptoms of so many illnesses, including the plague that had swept through Wall Maria all those years ago… When he expressed his concerns to Levi when the older man came to check on them, he'd rolled his eyes very deliberately so Erwin could see his exasperation.

"She doesn't have the plague, you idiot- she's jonesing… and maybe detoxing, I don't know…" He walked up to the bed, where Thomasin was huddled into as tight a ball as possible, trembling and groaning as she tried to sleep. "Oi." Levi grabbed her shoulder and shook her. "What'd you take to undo this, gimpy?"

"Go away…" she moaned miserably.

"Tell me what all you took."

"Everything I could afford!"

"What's the last thing you took?"

"Leave me alone- just let me die…" It seemed Levi's reserves of pity had long since dried up.

"…bitch, you know damn well you aren't dying. What's the last thing you took?"

"Mirewine! Get the fuck away from me, you tiny piece of shit…" Levi grabbed the edge of the comforter and pulled it over her head, at which point her earlier groaning eased slightly. Erwin followed his lieutenant from the room.

"You know I didn't understand half of what you were saying in there, right?"

"Yeah- you're a goody two-shoes, surface dwelling teacher's pet; what else is new?" The shorter man dropped onto the couch, stretching his legs. "Your little wifey's an opioine addict."

"What?"

"Yeah. That, uh… fuck, what do they call it up here…? Laudanum. It's literally just opioine and liquor- in the Underground, we call it 'bittersleep' because it's bitter as fuck, but it'll knock your ass right out… and a lot of people take it to make sure they don't wake up again. She didn't take shit while I was with her in Calaneth, so…" he trailed off, counting on his fingers. "Give it three or four more days, and the worst symptoms should be over. She'll still act like a fuckin' monster and bite your head off for no reason, but she won't be puking everywhere." Erwin sat on the corner of his desk.

"You certainly know a lot about drugs…" Gray eyes flashed up at him, thin lips pulled down into a frown.

"What, you think I was a druggie?"

"…for all the time we've supposedly known each other, I don't actually know anything about you, it seems." Levi scoffed, leaning further into the back of the couch, as though he hoped to melt into it.

"No, asshole- I wasn't a druggie. I just happened to live in the Underground for the first thirty years of my life; you get used to overdoses when you trip over them every day." His lips pursed slightly in annoyance, the look in his eyes alternating between hard and angry, and soft and sympathetic. It settled on something that was neither, and when he spoke again, his voice was quieter.

"When I first joined Furlan's shitty little 'gang', there were a couple druggies. I kicked them to the curb- I wasn't gonna put effort into feeding someone's addiction. I hated them 'cause I thought they were weak… maybe some of 'em were, but Furlan taught me that's not always a bad thing. People can't be strong all the time. When you're miserable and bored and lonely and hopeless, all that shit weakens you, no matter how strong you were before… pain, too. Doctors charge more than most people will ever see in the Underground, and proper medicine's worth its weight in gold, so no one can afford that shit. But benzy and dexy and bittersleep- that shit's dirt cheap by comparison, and when your legs are twisting and your lungs are rotting… you take whatever the fuck you can get."

It was difficult to remember that, for as horrible as things seemed within and beyond the Walls, in the Underground, things were always so much worse. It was little wonder Levi had been so enthusiastic about helping Historia bring the people who lived down there onto the surface. Erwin felt guilty for brushing the whole thing off.

"I never realized things were so… difficult for you--"

"They weren't." Levi told him bluntly. "Drugs make other peoples' lives difficult; they made mine much better. There are two ways to make money in the Underground- selling your holes, and selling drugs. And I wanted nothing to do with the former."

"So… is that why the MPs hated you lot so much?" Levi snorted, almost a laugh.

"Fuck no. They hated me because I stole my products from their guys. I was cutting into their profit margins. Over ninety percent of the opioine production in the Walls is done under the jurisdiction of the Military Police. Somewhere out by Yarkle. Furlan wanted to get in on that shit when we got to the surface- he was always talking about those glass houses rich people had that you could grow anything in…" Sighing, the shorter man shifted, resting his arms atop the back of the couch. His face looked impassive at a glance, but there was a melancholy playing around his eyes. "Shit was so much simpler back then…"

"Do you miss it?" Erwin asked quietly, and Levi seemed to think about it for a moment.

"…sometimes. But I wouldn't go back to that if given the choice. Shit was simpler for me. These days, after everything we've done… hopefully things can be simpler for everyone else." Rocking a bit, he got to his feet. "That mirewine the gimp was talking about? That shit doesn't work unless you take it every day for about a week, so she should be fine."

"What is that- another drug?"

"You could say that. Nobody's taking that shit for fun, though. It's basically a bunch of mild poisons mixed together to make a better poison." He took a few steps towards the door, then paused and looked back. "You should probably take her to a hospital to get that shit taken care of before she gets desperate and does something stupid again."

"She doesn't want go to a hospital," Erwin told him miserably. "She said she doesn't trust doctors." Levi's lips pursed in thought for a moment, but he ultimately nodded.

"Makes sense. Doctors are like MPs- sure there are a few good ones scattered around, but would you really want most MPs cuttin' around your dick and balls? That's kinda something you gotta get lucky with the first time." When he put it like that, it made far more sense to be wary of the people who held your life in their hands. But then…

"What should we do in that case? What would you do if you were in this situation?"

"I would not be in this situation," Levi told him bluntly. "Sex is disgusting, and Kenny took every opportunity he had to remind me that getting your dick wet only leads to trouble." Pale gray eyes grew hazy as they focused on something far away, something deeply unpleasant if the deep lines around his lips were anything to go by. " 'course, that stupid piece of shit found trouble just fine even while his was bone dry, but I guess kids are their own unique brand of problems… We were supposed to be talking about you, right?"

"It's fine." Erwin sighed, standing as well. "I suppose you and Thomasin are of a single mind that all of this is a horrible mistake I should have seen coming and prepared for."

"…weren't you a virgin before all this? That's what the gimp said. I would've expected you to know where babies come from regardless, but then again, you're actually a lot dumber than I initially thought, so I'm not really surprised and I don't think she is either…?" Erwin said nothing, simply glowered at his lieutenant until Levi rolled his eyes again. "I'm not gonna say it's anything, because I have no stake in this issue- this is between the two of you. But it seems like your shitty bloodlines combined are stronger than either of you, so maybe start thinking of names and prepare yourself for whatever twisted abomination she ends up shitting out." Erwin raised a brow.

" 'Abomination' because we're ugly, or…?"

" 'Abomination' because that thing's gonna be fucking huge given the size of you two freaks. 'Twisted' because it's been marinating in poison for the past two weeks. My best advice? Expect the worst so you can't be disappointed, but allow yourself to be pleasantly surprised. That's pretty much my life's philosophy."

"I always wondered how you were able to take such horrors in stride. That's… actually very helpful. Thank you, Levi- not just for this, but… for everything. For speaking so candidly with me, for-- for everything." Levi opened the door, but did not step through it.

"…nearly losing someone you care about kind of changes your whole attitude around them, doesn't it?"

"That it does." It opened your eyes, made you take stock of and cherish all those little things that had once been so easy to overlook. As the other man left his office, the door closing quietly behind him, Erwin turned and walked back to his quarters.

The room was silent- it seemed Thomasin had fallen into a deeper sleep than what she had been able to these last few days. Knowing that she wasn't dying of some horrible illness put him slightly more at ease, but… opioine, really? He had seen drug addicts, both in his limited exposure to the Underground, as well as in the districts (there had been an uptick of destitution in general following the Fall), but it was difficult- nigh impossible- to correlate the image of unkempt, broken men on the street with orderly, responsible and dutiful Thomasin. She hardly even drank- the homemade spirits she pulled out to celebrate his birthday were barely stronger than a hard cider.

But Levi's words still rang clear in his mind, When you're miserable and bored and lonely and hopeless, all that shit weakens you, no matter how strong you were before… Erwin sat on the edge of the bed, slowly so as not to wake her. She'd pulled the covers down just enough that her face was visible. He'd always viewed her as a force unchanging and unyielding as the ground beneath his feet, something that always remained the same no matter how turbulent the world became. That was the way she always presented herself to him, smiling and laughing and calm and kind on the few days a year he saw her… but what of the rest of the time? The weeks and months when she no longer had to keep up that shitty fake smile, when she was all alone?

I liked getting to see you every month…

~o0o~

Levi's prediction of a few more days had sadly been off as Thomasin's bout of protracted illness continued well into the next week, but thankfully it did taper off eventually, leaving her sullen and miserable but fully conscious. Erwin had desperately wanted to ask "why" but he could not think of a way to word his question without it sounding confrontational or judgmental. Fortunately, the answer was simple and provided freely.

Pain.

Thomasin said nothing at first, but he had been sitting on the edge of the bed pulling on his boots when she sat up, strapping her prosthesis on. He didn't even notice until she had taken her second step, her limp so pronounced she was more dragging the heavy wood than walking with it, the grimace she wore restrained even as she leaned heavily on every available surface on her way to the bathroom.

"Thomasin? What's wrong?"

"Right now? I gotta pee."

"Do you need hel--" she inadvertently cut him off with a loud, tight-lipped scream, but did not even pause, simply continued on, shutting the door behind her. Erwin pawed at it like a confused puppy. "Thomasin?? Are you sure you're okay? I can help you--"

"Can we not talk while I'm on the toilet?" He scoffed.

"You talk to me while I'm on the toilet all the time!"

"Because that's the only time I can guarantee that you won't leave to do Scout shit!" …she was right, but he was not about to admit that, scowling at the door one final time before returning to his office.

He would have to speak to reporters from all the major papers in a few hours and still needed to go over the statement he had prepared. For as annoying as it was, this was a good thing, he repeatedly reminded himself. Although he could not control what the papers printed now any more than he could in years past, at the very least he was assured they were no longer being incentivized to slander the Survey Corps via fear of government reprisal. No, now the only incentives to print lies and untruths were money and personal bias. Hange insisted that they had "friends" working at the Berg printing company who were impartial- they had been instrumental in gaining public support during and immediately following the coup- but that was only one paper out of over a dozen.

Still, if even a few voices heralded the Survey Corps as forces for good, that could easily help improve their recruitment numbers next year. With a major battle in this hereto forth unknown war already won, becoming a Scout might actually be seen as a legitimate career option for the youth rather than the waste vat for the Walls' outcasts and misfits. He had already memorized his alchemical formula for transfiguring names on a list no one knew or cared about into martyrs that people could slap their own ideals and aspirations onto, transforming them into idols to follow in the footsteps of. They dedicated their hearts- so too must they dedicate their souls and bodies and legacies, for the good of humanity… He barely heard the bathroom door opening, but he definitely heard the pained keening that followed, his notes instantly forgotten. Thomasin had already collapsed onto the bed by the time he returned to his- their sleeping quarters, dragging herself higher onto the pillows.

"What's wrong?" he pressed again. "Is it the baby? The…" Drugs? "Medicine?"

"It's my leg." her voice was a gravely rasp, practically dead. A sympathetic tingle ran up the remnant of his right arm, and he sat beside her.

"Is it the tingles?"

"It's my hip." Rolling over onto her back, she flopped down, wriggling until the pillows were twisted into a more comfortable shape. The curtains were open and the sun had risen high enough to illuminate the room.

She had lost so much weight over the last several weeks that the soft fullness of her face had been reduced to a near skeletal gauntness, dark eyes shining brightly from their sunken depths, her hair dry and frizzy, those once voluminous clouds now more closely resembling the scrub bushes beyond Wall Maria. She somehow looked worse under his supposed "care" than she had after spending eight months performing hard labor and sexual favors for opportunistic monsters up north.

"Can I do anything to help? We have painkillers in the sick bay--"

"Those don't help anymore. That's why I take laudanum in the first place. It's not a muscle ache, Erwin- my bones are rubbing together." Her expression reminded him of something he hadn't seen in many years, the way she had looked as she lay in the Shiganshina Garrison's sick bay when he'd spoken to her then.

There was a simmering kind of anger in her brows and the twist of her lips, an anger directed not at any one particular thing, but at the situation she found herself in as a whole. She glanced up at him, and there must have been something about his expression that reached past her bitterness and touched at some deeply repressed part of herself that still pitied him, for her own expression softened just a little.

"You don't have to worry about that. You don't really use your arm for anything, right? That's probably the only part of you that isn't going to get worn down anymore."

"I don't think any part of me is going to get 'worn down' anymore," he confessed, climbing higher onto the bed and laying down, not beside her, but across from her. "If Hange's theories are correct, then I should be able to regenerate any injuries I sustain going forward. I can only assume that also applies to the general wear and tear that comes with age." Thomasin sighed longingly.

"Sounds nice. Wish I could regenerate some cartilage or some shit." Erwin gave a bitter laugh.

"No, that's not how it works. I won't be further crippled. I've spent nearly twenty years tearing my body down vertically maneuvering. All that shit- the joint pain, the muscle pain, the nerve damage- I still get to enjoy that, and I do- daily. I can't die easily- that doesn't mean I can't suffer." She turned her head slightly to face him, the look in her eyes very odd, somewhat disconcerting. It was that deep, intense stare that made him feel all manner of things, but there was something off about it. Whatever thoughts were brewing in her head, she didn't share them with him.

"…that's rough, buddy."

They laid together in silence for a while, the faint sound of movement beyond the walls audible yet completely disconnected from them. It was a strange feeling of stasis, something that almost felt familiar but he couldn't quite place it. The silence was a sacred thing, and Erwin, irreverent heretic that he was, broke it as tactlessly as he could.

"So you really don't want to go to a doctor to terminate this pregnancy?" Thomasin, thankfully, had always appreciated bluntness.

"It's not that I don't want to," she explained in a tone that one might take with a particularly slow child, "it's that I don't want the thing that usually happens afterwards to happen."

"Well, what happens afterwards?" He assumed there would be blood and pain, and then the thing that was growing inside her would cease to grow and that would be the end of it. Maybe it would pass like a kidney stone. Thomasin rolled onto her side, propping herself up on her elbow.

"Your dad was a teacher- surely you've seen a picture of human anatomy in a textbook, right?" He nodded, vaguely reminded of the strange brew of awe and confused embarrassment he'd felt looking at a heavily crosshatched illustration of a nude woman for the first time (although most of that embarrassment was probably just his adult mind cringing itself into oblivion over his perfectly normal childish curiosity). Of course, even if he might have perused those books once or twice before leaving for the Training Corps, the majority of the knowledge he might have unwittingly absorbed had been pushed out to make room for formations and grandiose speeches and politicking. ...god, he was stupid. She continued. "You know what a uterus is, don't you? It's like a pouch, with a hole in it where the stuff comes out; either a nice cup of blood every month if you're lucky or a baby if you're not."

"Oh god, why do you have to word everything in the most disgusting way possible?!"

"Because it is disgusting, Erwin- I want you to fully grasp how horrible this shit is! So because you decided that you didn't want to pull out, I had two options. I could drink poison and hope that it turned my insides acidic enough to kill all the parasites in there- that's how you get rid of gut worms, incidentally- or I could shove special stick up my cooch and wait for it to suck up all the baby juice and end up getting a lovely infection that thankfully gets rid of the problem but also nearly kills me in the process . And I don't want to do that again!" He could see the skin at the hollow of her throat pulsating in time with her rapidly pounding heart.

"...again?" he asked softly. "In Utopia?" Her heart was still racing, but her eyes no longer flashed, her nostrils no longer flared as she lowered herself back down, gathering up the covers into a bundle and wrapping her arms around them.

"Yeah. It was hell. It worked like a charm, but… it was hell. I'd never been so sick in my life. For two weeks, I could barely even move- poor Hanah, she was terrified, she didn't know what was going on, and you can squeeze blood from a stone easier than you can squeeze compassion from an MP…" She wasn't wearing her gloves, the sleeves of his shirts falling past her knuckles. She tugged and pulled and tore at the thick cuff, her nails scrabbling at the material.

"I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't breathe. I was burning alive and freezing to death all at once. All because I didn't want to rear some monstrous Garrison's bastard that he didn't want either. Every time I closed my eyes, I asked myself 'is this it? Is this how I'm going to die? Gasping for breath and suffering through every last second of it?' That's what I don't want. I would love to go to a doctor and put all this behind me… but if they don't wash their hands, or clean their instruments, or-- hell, even if they do everything right and I'm just really unlucky… that's what's going to happen again. And this time, it'll probably be even worse because this kind of shit always gets worse the more it happens. I don't wanna die a slow, painful death rotting from the inside out for days or even weeks. I know what that looks like- I know what that smells like. If I have to suffocate for ten minutes to avoid ten days of that, so be it!" She was panting, the sleeve forgotten, her short, ragged nails tearing into the skin on the back of her hand. Erwin reached over, twisting his fingers between hers, wincing slightly as her nails cut into his own knuckles.

"I can't believe you went through something like that and didn't tell me…"

"You didn't tell me that Levi almost killed you on his first expedition- he told me what happened. 'Fell off your horse' my ass!" So they really had been talking since Shiganshina. He couldn't even argue because she was right- he'd omitted details and downplayed the severity of what could have easily killed him because he hadn't wanted her to worry. How could he in good conscience fault her for doing the same?

"Thomasin… if nothing went wrong- if you didn't have this 'curse', if I could spend every waking moment with you… would you still not want to have this child?"

"Things do go wrong."

"But if they didn't--"

"But they do." Her voice was hard, stern. She would not relent. "You don't plan expeditions assuming nothing will go wrong; that assumption of risk is woven into the very nature of your missions. You can't ask me to imagine a fantasy world where things don't go wrong, because they do, and I'm the one who has to live with that--" She was beginning to squeeze harder, a sharp sting as his skin split under the pressure of her nails as her panting grew more ragged. Erwin shifted closer, pressing his forehead against hers, her breath warm and moist against his throat.

"Shh… breathe," he whispered, nearly a plea. "Just breathe. It's going to be okay."

"No, it's not…!"

"Yes, it is. Just breathe. You'll be fine. I'm here; I'm not going anywhere…" He squeezed her hand back, just enough to exert a comforting amount of pressure as she dipped her head, burying her face into his chest. He wished he could rub her back, but he didn't want to let go of her hand, so all he could do was lay there shushing and rocking and humming the same tune she hummed to comfort him until, slowly, her breathing evened out. She didn't grow calm, her gasps turning to whimpers and sniffles as his shirt grew damp.

"I hate this…" she whined, her voice muffled somewhat. "I hate being weak and helpless…"

"You're not weak," Erwin whispered against her hair. "Thomasin, you are one of the strongest people I have ever known in my life, and I know a man who killed over three dozen fifteen-meter Titans single-handedly without backup. ...now that I think about it, you're just like that. You've fought so many monsters, so many battles, all by yourself with no one to help you. You've taken blows that would've killed so many, but you just patched yourself up and kept fighting, not even letting anyone know that you were wounded… You're stupid- that awful, selfless kind of stupid that I can't stand… but you are anything but weak."

"…I feel weak…" He felt the words, the vibration against his skin, more than he heard them, and nuzzled closer to her.

"You're tired. What's that you're always telling me about pushing myself? 'Something, something, your body starts eating itself'?" He draped his right leg over hers, careful to avoid her stump, not wanting to put any more weight on her aching hip. Even through his pants, he could feel that the flesh was no longer as soft as it had once been, the muscle remaining beneath the skin much smaller. "If your body eats any more of itself, there won't be anything left. You need to rest so we can fatten you back up."

"I can't… it's like there's a sword hanging over my head, and the moment I let my guard down, that's when it's going to fall and impale me right through the skull…" She certainly painted a vivid picture. Frowning, Erwin considered something he was surprised he hadn't thought of already.

"I know you've probably seen a lot of pregnancies and births go south, but… have you actually spoken to someone who's had children and not died horribly?"

"I don't talk to people."

"Maybe you should. You know Marie- Nile's wife- is pregnant. She's had two children already; Nile even told me that she had complications the last time, but she's still fine. Maybe she has some insight that can help." Sniffling, Thomasin pulled back enough to frown at him.

"What, am I supposed to show up on their doorstep and say, "Hi- you don't know me but you and my husband used to fuck and I hear you're really good at popping out kids. Got any pointers'?"

"Marie and I never had sex," he corrected her. "And… maybe don't show up unannounced, but… yes. Maybe she does have pointers. Back when I was still trying to figure out how to propose to you, Nile said that when we finally got married, we should have dinner with them. I'd be surprised if that invitation didn't still hold up."

"Do you talk about me to Nile a lot?"

"We don't see each other often enough for me to talk to him about anything 'a lot', but he is the only person I know who has a successful, happy relationship, and I tend to defer to people who have experience I lack." He moved his hand slightly in hers, rubbing his thumb over the silver band that, despite all the odds, was still on her finger. "He's the one who recommended the jeweler I bought your ring from. He wants us to have what he has."

"That's him. What about Marie- maybe she won't want to deal with the mongrel slut that stole her fiancee from her."

"If anything 'stole' me from her, it was the Survey Corps. I haven't seen her in years, but… I don't believe that who a person is at their core ever really changes. She was kind and sweet and helpful, just like you- that's why I fell in love with her, just like you. I would be terribly surprised if that changed." Thomasin's brows furrowed, her lips twisting in unease.

"I don't like the idea of putting upon people, especially strangers…"

"We're not going to kick down their door and burst in yelling, 'what's up, bitches?!'- I'm going to ask Nile if he and Marie wouldn't mind having us over for tea." Her eyes were still damp, but she snickered, the mental image painted by his words less nightmarish than the ones she constructed.

"No, you only burst in like that with me."

"Excuse you- I knock very politely before bursting in…" His self-satisfied grin slipped off his face, replaced with horror. "Sweet merciful fuck- I just remembered that Levi broke your window." Thomasin's humor was immediately extinguished as the sobering truth doused it.

"My chickens… You haven't gone to Calaneth to feed them!?"

"I've been taking care of you-- no!" She immediately began scrabbling to get up, to fly into a panic, and Erwin forcefully pulled her back down. "Calm down! The chickens are fine."

"They're hungry! I haven't fed them in over a week!!"

"You've been sick."

"That's not an excuse!"

"Yes it is! I will see about it. Please, just stay here. Stay calm. This is not the end of the world, I promise you." Erwin expected her to ignore him, to brush him off- physically, if need be- to throw in his face that he'd already proven that he couldn't be depended on. But she didn't. Her panic did not ease, but she remained laying down, hugging the bunched up comforter closer to her chest as he reluctantly released her hand. He barely even registered the knocking as he fumbled for his wallet, his coat half falling off his shoulders. The door opened and Levi quirked a brow.

"…huh. Usually when you're in a panic like this, it's because of the gimp. Lemme guess- she wants a divorce, and you're desperately looking for one of Mike's hidden booze caches to dull the pain?"

"Levi! Thank god- I need you to use your stupid mouth for good and keep Thomasin calm while I head out to Calaneth."

"Calaneth? You don't have time to go to Calaneth--"

"I have to! I completely forgot about her chickens!" He rushed over to the other man, bending almost double to whisper in his ear. "They're probably dead- I have to buy new ones before she notices…!" Levi pulled back, regarding Erwin with the same kind of repulsed incredulity he'd expressed the first time he'd seen him "smile".

"…they're fine, you ghoul- her neighbor's grand… something is feeding them."

"…huh?"

"Yeah. I figured if they died, that would really push her over the edge, so I went back a day or two after we came here to see about them. The old lady who lives next to her assumed she got called off for work shit- I guess it's a regular thing for her to spend weeks at the Garrison hospital, so when she doesn't come out for a few days, the grand-whatever comes over to see about them." Erwin let out the breath he'd been holding, slumping against his desk.

"Oh… oh, thank god… that's one nightmare I don't have to worry about…"

"There's another one waiting for you. Those reporters you've been chasing away are back, and they're not gonna leave this time."

"That's fine- I can deal with that." Pulling his coat on properly, he grabbed his notes to look over one last time. As Levi turned to leave, he called out to him. "Wait!"

"What now?"

"I'm sorry, but… can you please tell Thomasin what you just told me? If I tell her, she'll probably think I'm lying."

"…she'll think I'm lying, too. These days, she thinks everything I say and do is something you ordered me to do."

"Probably because you were being too nice. She didn't seem too bothered when you were insulting her and calling her an addict."

"So… you're telling me to insult your wife?"

"Wait, no--" The shorter man pushed past him, kicking the bedroom door open.

"Good news, you crippled jackass- those parasite-ridden feather dusters of yours are fine."

"…what did you do to them, you midget whoreson?!" Erwin winced, but internally a sense of calm washed over him. He recognized that tone. It was not one of harried fear or dread, but an anger laced with irritation and annoyance that he was familiar with, something he hadn't heard from her in far too long. Levi had been right- walking on eggshells had done no one any favors. Hoping the lieutenant would not lean too far back into their old dynamic- maybe now wasn't the best time to get into a physical altercation- Erwin left the office, closing the door quietly behind him. Given what the possible alternative had been, he was almost looking forward to this conference.

~o0o~

The last time Erwin had been made to stand before a crowd of reporters, he'd done so from atop his own gallows, remaining mostly silent as General Zachary did most of the speaking given that his throat had still been raw from the torture he'd endured earlier that week. There was no one to speak for him now, and although his body was not beaten and bloodied this time around, he felt so much worse. He could see the reporters standing outside the gates, their notepads and pens in hand. The moment one of them noticed the doors leading into the Corps' main building opening, all of them crowded around the gates, wolves having caught the scent of blood.

Erwin was sorely tempted to keep the gates shut, to remain on this side and speak to them through a barrier, but he had no doubt that someone would try to spin that as something nefarious. Thankfully, when he did step onto the street, the reporters all took several steps back, giving him a decent berth. They were not being respectful, or even courteous, no- they were afraid. Afraid of this thing, this monster wearing human skin in their midst, the same monster that, less than a year ago, reminded them how tenuous their grasp on stability was. He inhaled.

"The Premier has already issued a statement- I'm here to clarify any questions or misconceptions you or the people might have--" The questions began at once-

"How do you plan--"

"--the Colossal--"

"--next expedition--"

"--war--"

-too loud, too cluttered to make out any one voice, but he heard a series of words that made his heart jolt painfully, angrily.

"Is it true that your wife isn't a Child of Ymir?"

Erwin focused in on that voice, the other reporters parting for him as he approached this particular reporter, an older man with a neatly groomed beard and an almost haughty expression as he looked up at the man standing over him, as though daring him to do something.

"What did you say?"

"You heard me. The people within the Walls are the 'Children of Ymir'… except for the people in Mitras. They're different bloodlines, different 'races' and whatnot. They didn't have their memories touched- they couldn't have- meaning that all this stuff that's new to us, they've known for decades. They probably knew about this Marley place, but they were happy to let us slaves be exterminated… and you're married to one of 'em, aren't you?"

"My wife is not from Mitras. She is not a noble--"

"She's a different race."

"And?" The reporter shrugged, an infuriatingly condescending look on his face.

"Some people are wondering if maybe that might not affect your loyalties, Commander. The outside world hates us. We know Marley wants to go to war with us; who's to say those other 'countries' are going to just stand by? How do we know you won't falter or hesitate to raise arms against whatever hellhole her kind hail from? Maybe you'll just pack up and take the Colossal Titan over to her people."

"My wife's country is Paradis," Erwin stated firmly. "Her 'people' are right here. She is as much an Eldian as you and I, and I will not stand here and let you stoke fear of people and places you didn't know existed until a few days ago to get a rise out of me." He turned to address the other reporters. "I am here to answer questions about the Survey Corps, our expeditions, and Titans. The next person who mentions my wife will be asked politely, yet firmly, to leave."

"In that case," a younger reporter spoke up, "how will you be able to guarantee that the people within the Walls will be safe from the Colossal Titan? Court testimony from a Garrison officer several months ago stated that Eren Yaeger lost control of his Titan during the effort to retake Trost and attacked soldiers. A fifteen meter Titan can crush people- a sixty meter Titan can level entire districts!" Finally, something closer to his wheelhouse.

"We are intimately aware of the dangers the Colossal poses, which is why we will be performing tests on it as far away from human settlements as possible. Lieutenant Levi will be on-site and armed at all times, and I guarantee you, if anyone can incapacitate the Colossal, it would be him." As pens began scratching against paper, another reporter began speaking.

"So it is true that the Walls are actually made of Titans?"

"It certainly seems that way, although we have no way of knowing exactly how many there are."

"And it's true that they can be 'activated' and used as weapons?" Erwin frowned at those words. He did not enjoy thinking about the Walls used as anything but Walls.

"That's what Grisha Yaeger was led to believe by a man who had never personally seen the Walls himself. It's hearsay; we have no way of knowing what the Wall Titans are capable of doing."

"But the Founding Titan can control all other Titans, right?" Another voice called over the heads of the others. "If Queen Historia eats that Yaeger boy and takes it back--"

"Then we will go right back to where we started." He could not keep the sharp edge from his voice. "The royal bloodline does not want to help us. They can't- the first King of the Walls cursed their blood to ensure they were incapable of defending their people. That's why they did nothing when Wall Maria fell. Queen Historia whole-heartedly believes that if her sister, Frieda Reiss, had been able to do anything to help us, she would have… but she could not. And neither would the current queen be able to. The Founding Titan is a false god that will never answer your prayers. The Walls are not weapons, they are shields… and let us hope that they remain as such."

It was difficult to judge how long he stood there, answering what felt like the same questions worded a dozen different ways. Was it safe for the Colossal to be around inhabited settlements? What were they going to do about Marley? The irritating bearded journalist wisely refrained from asking about his personal life, but his questions were all leading, worded in such a way that the only way a straight answer could be given was by completely ignoring the actual question. It didn't matter- he had a feeling that no matter what he said, this particular paper was going to print whatever it pleased, riling up those who, to this day, still despised the Corps. He assumed this one was distributed mostly amongst the lords in Wall Sina.

People didn't realize how tiring talking could be, especially about subjects one didn't care for. Hange could- and did- talk for hours on end about their research and the changes they felt should be made to their equipment, but getting them to focus on checklists and discuss their sections' physical evaluations was like pulling teeth. Being the commander of the Survey Corps was not a difficult job- Shadis proved that any idiot who was stubborn enough could keep the position for years. Being a good commander, however, meant putting your own wants and needs and comfort on the back burner, and most people simply didn't want to do that. As Erwin watched the reporters, finally satisfied with the information given for the time being, head off, some talking to one another while others reviewed their notes, he leaned heavily against the gates.

The next time there was to be an interview (because of course there would be a next time), Hange would deal with it. If they could answer their soldiers' questions, they could answer those of reporters as well. The only thing stopping them from being a good leader was the simple fact that they didn't want to be, that they, like Eren, felt they did not have to worry about larger problems because there would always be someone else there to deal with it. It was a cruel thought to have, as he made his way back into the base, an intrusive curiosity that he beat back the moment it made itself known, but he couldn't help but wonder if a tiny little part of Hange hadn't been so adamant about saving his life because they knew that without him, all of these burdens would fall to them? Of course that wasn't the reason; Hange was one of his oldest, dearest friends… but it probably played a role, no matter how small. Humans always had their best interests at heart, after all.

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A/N- So! I'm… back, at least for a while. I'm mostly posting again because 1- I don't want people thinking this fic is abandoned because you can't give updates on a fic without a chapter accompanying them, and 2- I have been working since my hiatus and I have about 3 months worth of chapters written and (mostly) edited, around 80k words. I think that's a good amount to hold people over until I can finish this shit once and for all. And I am working on finishing it, it's just really hard because this verdammte plot grew out of control (can you believe I originally intended for this fic to be about 10 chapters? Hilarious), I have no one to discuss things with or bounce anything but the most simple of ideas off of, and… life is still shit. That hasn't gotten better- in fact, it's decidedly gotten worse, but that's not the concern of the readers. It's just one of the reasons for shit being slow. So, hopefully if you've stuck with the story this long, you don't mind sticking with it a little longer than I anticipated.

Levi "I'm not a drug addict- I just grew up in the ghetto" Ackerman, everybody. I do have a side story detailing some aspects of Levi's backstory (at least, how it went down in Reasons). It's called "Kintsugi", and I'm actually quite pleased with it. It always bothered me that Levi was clearly doing something to get ahead in the Underground, but we were never given any hint of what it was, other than it involving stealing something from someone.

As a wise Sam O'Nella once said, "Hey kids; had a bad day? Well, could be worse- you could be living in world without modern anesthetic." It probably comes as no surprise, but one of my favorite shows of all time was Call the Midwife, especially the earlier seasons. Even as recently as seventy years ago, pregnancy and childbirth were completely different and far more dangerous than they are today, so imagine what times were like 170 years ago. Thomasin is a really hard character to write in this situation because she's so pessimistic that it makes the situation feel kind of hopeless even for me as the writer, but at the same time, it's totally justified to be this pessimistic in the crappy world she lives in. This is a hopeless situation for her. People dying slow, painful deaths from minor injuries that got infected is something she would have had to bear witness to dozens if not hundreds of times in her life. As far as she's concerned, the only "good" outcome is the one where she dies as quickly and painlessly as possible because she's been exposed to so many horrific things throughout her life that the idea of having a pregnancy and labor with no complications doesn't even register as a possibility in her mind. As stressful as it can be sometimes, it's also really fun writing a story where all the main characters are adults with years of experience in their given fields.

Also also, somewhat unrelated but kind of related, I don't know if I've ever specified Thomasin's, uh… stats? Well, she's 5'10" (177cm for my metric readers) and, when she's healthy, about 160lbs (about 72kg). In the world of Paradis, where she can look plenty of men in the eye if not stand over them, yes- she is something of an abnormality (she stands shoulder to shoulder with Nile), and given that Erwin is also obscenely huge for a Paradisan (I don't mean in terms of height- I'm talking weight; mans is over 200lbs of pure muscle. People taller than him are regularly clocking in at 10-20 lbs lighter. The only characters bigger than him overall are Mike and Kitz) Levi is probably correct in his assumption that any kids they have are going to be massive. Both of them take after their fathers, who were both very big men.