Nothing has sunk in yet, Hawthorn hasn't betrayed me for the Careers.
I'm away in my mountain of quilts my grandmother had made for her only grandchild.
"Did you not hear me!?" Tealie says yelling and kicking the glass from the shattered coffee mug over to me, making me jump out of my fantasy.
"Wake up, Rose! You're going to die in there alone!" she says leaning on to the counter herself noticing my eyes well up before angrily approaching me clenching my wrist this time and pulling me into a whisper.
"Join us and we'll tell you what the arena is..." she says glaring into my face, her breath blasting on my face with a huff, pulling away and pouring herself a cup of coffee.
"The coffee in District 10 smells horrible. The beans we use are processed and are sold to us by Peacekeepers. I think they spit in it or...something else." she says smelling the bittersweet aroma.
"We don't have bread, we eat the oats from pigs and sometimes we salvage bacon from scraps. Least my family did." she says doing a long pour.
"Pa was a Peacekeeper who forced himself on Ma. He shipped out to 12, or so Ma says. He's probably still there, but Ma never told me even when I begged when I said goodbye." she says calmly with a small laugh.
"What's funny to me is that Hawthorn clearly has field hand experience, his hands are so calloused I'm scared he's gonna pop em' if he holds a spear. But what I can't understand is why your hands are so soft?" she says finally making a pointed remark.
I'm embarrassed, everyone usually hates me in 11 for not doing labor while others till the fields.
My Daddy's hands were black, never washing them after a 17 hour day and preferring to go home and greet us.
He told me never to work and he worked hard so that he never had to use tesserae and to take care of his girls. Whenever I think of rough hands, I think of Daddy.
"I never worked in 11. Dad was a foreman, he made just enough to keep us comfortable and kept us safe...until now I guess." I say to her solemnly.
"You and Hawthorn are the healthiest bunch I've seen from 11 since...ever. It surprised me is all. I think I need to go, but just know that tomorrow in the training hub, 9 & 10 will be talking about letting you in." she says leaving for the door.
"Wait, you haven't even decided as a whole if you want me? Whose idea was it to recruit me?" I call after.
"Mine." she says with a smile and leaves soon after in a crouch to hide in the apartment hall and sneak to the elevator.
In the shower, I can't help but think of Tealie's words.
I think back to Hawthorn, a shy, short and slender boy growing up.
His dad was the best at birdcalls from what I had remembered, but not him.
During the Harvest Festival dance I think he danced with Petunia.
I think about holding the harvest candles with Yarrow and danced with her, locking our arms and spinning till we were sick, everyone avoided us anyhow so it didn't matter.
The stars were full that autumn night, we were only 15. Had I known...
I hear the front door open and my body tenses as if I'm already subconsciously preparing to be attacked by Hawthorn.
His room is across the hall from the bathroom, I hear his boots paving his way to the suite before he stops abruptly.
I listen intently as he is directly outside the bathroom.
"Good work today!" he calls out. I wonder what my face looked like, a mix of horror and anger to the point I choose to simply not respond, allowing the water to drown my ears instead.
But as I mull this over, did he ever even offer an alliance, or am I making mountains out of molehills?
I think about the girl from 3 who was abandoned by her District partner as well so that he may join the Careers, who would most definitely chase after him like a pack of wolves once we all lie dead...
It hits me then, I spoke of my own death, my own chance in the arena and my face wells with tears as I did in the kitchen earlier, my knees buckles and I slide prone in the shower, placing my forearms against the marble floor as the water pelts my naked back.
"I can't do this..." I say to myself in the dim bathroom, I ball my fists and feel a dry heave in my throat.
"Are you insane!?" Lavender says in my ear the next morning on the elevator.
"My slender, youthful neck is on the line and you're attacking tributes in the Training hub?" she says, looking to me with a furrowed wrinkle resting atop her forehead.
Hawthorn stands silent again, he must feel above this, above me.
As we change into our training gear, Lavender pats me on my back with my fan.
"Good luck, dear..." she whispers to me as soon as Hawthorn has left for the Careers.
Either out of pity, or genuine dislike of Hawthorn. I thank her solemnly before I return to the Hub.
Peacekeepers stand ready even by the herbology console this time I notice.
As I'm lost in thought, I realize that I am being watched by everyone.
I made a spectacle of a girl twice my size and now I'm living to pay for it.
I can only hope that Tealie put in a good word for the alliance as I see Hawthorn join in the glaring from behind the boy from 1...