A healer in the middle of a Deathmatch...does that sound useful?
I lean against the glass elevator and stare into the evanescent light bulb.
So much is unclear until the arena, even Tealie is an unknown.
The girl with dirt underneath her fingernails isn't a threat as far as I know.
But the boy who came with her...he's so silent but yet so protective of her even though she's the second eldest of all of us...
Merino, he knows I'm an easy target. He looks at me like a Career. A tool.
"I'll make myself useful..." I say to myself as the door opens, seeing Hawthorn in the hall with Lavender.
"Make what work, darling?" she says inquisitively, her powdered wig shifting underneath her blue sequin top hat.
"Nothing." I say stepping into the apartment for dinner as she continues her conversation with Hawthorn.
For once, I don't care if Hawthorn is staring, I simply wish to eat and continue on with my night. Lavender tries to mend the bridge between us by starting mutual conversation between us only for idle thanks and agreeing.
I am done with Hawthorn.
If he wants to tell everyone I have a silly crush on him, he can go ahead, however, I have allies now. I am no longer the silly girl he abandoned.
My shower was liberating, it felt I washed myself of all doubts, all the times I was locked inside of my own head.
For the first time since I came here, I told myself, I can do this.
I dress myself for bed in the luxe bathroom, entering my room and there he is.
Hawthorn sitting idly on my bed, he looks at a broadcast of District 11 on my holo-screen.
"I think I see your Dad out in the fields." he says turning to me to gauge my reaction.
I ignore it simply, rolling my eyes and throwing my towel in a corner of the room.
"Get out." I tell him as I start getting upset. "Or I'll call Lavender."
"Why are you like that?" he says with the same demeanor he had in the train car, almost endearingly simple.
"I don't owe an explanation to the guy running around the Career packs saying I'm in love with him?" I say off-handedly, so tired of the rejection I face from my own District partner.
He's silent for a moment, wincing his eyes as he looks at the holo TV as if he's thinking intently.
"Did you ever think as to why I would say that? I did it to protect you. I did it so that you could join us like Demitra OFFERED!" he says standing, angrily.
The absolute nerve of him to avoid me for nearly 3 days and then offer me a spot in the Career pack is amazing.
"I don't want to be their tool, Hawthorn. And if you had any sense, the moment there's no one left, you're first. Even the boy from 3 will hunt you down like the dog you are!" I say angrily slamming my fist on a glass table adjacent to the door.
"Oh, I'm the tool!? Are you gonna be backpacking weeds for dirt girl and the boy with one arm?" he says with equal bravado.
"Better that than lie to myself thinking the Careers will respect me enough to breathe the same air as them, we're garbage to them!" I say pleading to him.
"Join us..." he says softly. "I don't want to hurt you, Rose, but this alliance you have will fail. Saph is deadly and strategic, and the boy from 3 already deciphered some pods before we were locked out of the system." he says before he throws the remote on the bed.
I'm incredibly angry until I meet his eyes, he stares at me with a serious glance I've never seen before.
It's both pleading and hopeful.
I sit down opposite him and turned away in disgust, but yet somehow what he had said resonated with me.
Maybe it is a fools' errand to throw my life on the line for second best.
Maybe I should stick to the safest bet, and the one closest to him.
I look back, he turned away as well, his fresh buzzcut looks even darker against the lamp in the room.
"What'll happen in the arena?" I say to him, turning back.
"We'll kill everyone, just you and me if we have to. I don't trust anyone, and neither should you. The Careers are a means to an end and maybe we can leave the pack a bit earlier from the finale when all 6 of us have to kill each other." he says straight to the point, he is hunched over and placing his thumbs on his temples.
His concern looks more and more genuine.
"How can we even trust them Hawthorn? Demitra looks at me like an easy kill." I say clasping the satin sheets.
"We can't, but this is the safest bet. We can't die so soon into the Games, we can't let them have that power over us. Leave your friends, live on with us. Please, Rose..." he says hunched over a bit more massaging his temples.
Could I really be a Career? Could I really have the taste of freedom in the arena?
So much races through my mind until Hawthorn places his hand on my back.
"We need you more than they ever could, Rose..." he says softly.
My body tenses and I break into a blush, standing because he placed his hand atop of my bra string.
I mull it over in my mind, he wanted to look strong for the both of us.
To make us not weak. I must have embarrassed him when I was weeping over Marlow and was sent home from the training hub.
"Let me sleep on it. I'll have an answer at your door by tomorrow night." I say to him quietly.
I turn off the lamp, opening the door for him to leave.
I look down at the floor as he does so, shutting it behind him.
The next morning at the training hub, the herbology course entirely in use by me.
There are no first aid courses available to nurse wounds, but I know enough from watching Mom suture quilts.
I mull over Hawthorn's words as the outlying district alliance keeps their distance away, except Pannette, whom snuck me biscuits from her breakfast this morning, to which I politely declined.
"You should have taken them." Tealie says during my break from the herbology course.
"Pannette's a bit touched, so she probably took it personally. She should have been born here, they probably would have put her in politics." she says examining her half eaten apple.
"Hash knows her, I think she was in an accident when she was a baby. Her momma was crazy and attacked a Peacekeeper when she was a baby. She ran and ran and she fell in a lake with her in her arms?" she says almost entirely in nonchalance. "Her momma wanted to drown with her baby, but I guess God had other plans..." she says taking another bite of her apple, shrugging.
I look to Pannette and she claps eagerly as it is her turn to scale the rings across the ravine. She intricately and carefully begins before she is quickly fatigued and falls on to her butt.
She laughs, clearly embarrassed but stands, patting her butt to make others laugh.
Why would God want this girl to die so badly?
This was a mistake, I can't hurt her but I need to worry about me more.
Pannette is going to hold us back in the arena. Hawthorn is trying to save me.
I feel it in my heart.
The Careers join in her laughter, however, she does not notice they are laughing at her, not with her.
The last day of training and all I have to show for it are the two alliances I have yet to choose between.
After another hour, we are called to the Observation rooms.
I sit adjacent to Hawthorn who sits bemused next to me and next to him is Tealie.
Hawthorn is the only Career who has shown aptitude for the Bow.
He hits the mark everytime, I'm sure he'll score high.
Tealie is an expert with the sword, but if she scores high enough, she wants a Cleaver.
I look beside her as well, Hash is silently coaching Pannette on what to do.
I've seen Hash throw a spear and take the head off a dummy even with his one arm.
As I overlook Merino, he does not overlook me as I refocus my vision to my right.
He'll score high, too. His deadly skill with an axe is better than even the tributes from 7.
I slink back into my chair, knowing that wherever my loyalties may be, I am saved.
However...I realized when I requested the herbology console that it wouldn't be as effective as a sword or a bow.
"Saph, District 1!" is overheard, interrupting my thoughts.
I thought to myself for the first time, how can I kill him?