Chapter 6

From the outside, Mica could have been the picture-perfect student. In fact, he was so eager to learn that he insisted Luke start teaching him before we even got back to Yavin. All in all, Luke seemed pleased, me a little less so…

There was something about him that put my guard up. Hard to say exactly what, but I felt it clearly. What was apparent was how used to luxury the kid was. He seemed more than revolted by the Falcon being the esteemed Jedi transport sent for him. Granted, he never said as much, but I could feel it in his emotions. And it wasn't the only thing I could feel either. The one thing he seemed to dislike more than Han's trashy ship was, well me.

Sitting with my feet irreverently on the Dejarik board I nursed both a cup of caf and my wounds. My cloud of irritation was so thick even a non-Jedi could have read it and known to stay away. As it was, Leia wasn't intimidated by it in the least. Pouring herself a cup of something a little stronger than caf, she slid into the seat next to me.

"I take it you think this mission was worth almost dying for?" she asked in all sarcasm.

I scoffed. "When I think about it I almost get sick to my stomach. Both of us risked our lives to find the kid and this is thanks we get?" I rolled my eyes. "Unless you're Master Luke Skywalker, of course, he almost licks the ground he walks on."

Leia smirked. "Royalty can easily make you well…prissy."

I took a swig of my drink. "Not you Leia, you've one of us. You've been through it all just like the rest of us."

She smiled with a distant look in her eyes. "Now I have. I wasn't always, you didn't know me then, Mara."

"Maybe…" I mumbled. "But answer this: Would you have liked me back then?"

She paused longer than I wished she had, to be honest, even though I knew the answer was stupid anyway. I was Imperial then… "I want to say yes. Admired your bravery, tenacity." She grinned. "And stubbornness of course. But…my hatred for the Empire was at its strongest then. If you'd been there…" A somberness filled her emotion. "On the Death Star when the order was given, I might have found it hard to see past my own emotions."

I clenched my jaw, the pain of the statement suddenly making me feel like an outsider all over again.

But she turned to me with those earnest brown eyes. "But look how wrong I'd have been…" Our eyes lingered on each other for a few long heavy moments, the truth of her emotion reminding me that things were different now. She loved me and nothing was going to change that… I never knew quite how to return those feelings, but I always hoped the sincerity in my own emotions was enough. That it had to be…

"I did some research…" she finally whispered. "Mica's mother was killed in one of Thrawn's attacks."

I closed my eyes letting go of what I felt. "And I'm the closest thing to him now, aren't I?"

She twisted her hands thoughtfully around her cup. "I suppose that's how he might see it…"

"And you know the funny thing…" I mumbled bitterly. "Luke's too taken by the kid's eagerness to play Jedi to even notice. And if I'm honest, it makes me feel like I don't even belong here."

Leia nodded understandingly, not shocked or dismayed by the mostly stupid things I was saying. Because behind each word was the truth of my emotions. The truth that was so plainly felt. And I knew that if she could feel them I'd be a fool to think Luke couldn't do the same. But he knew when to give me space, I just wished now wasn't one of those times. After almost dying, I'd hardly had time to even catch my breath. We'd hardly had any time.

Was I really jealous of this kid usurping Master Skywalker's time? Finally admitting it to myself made me almost smile at how stupid it was. But I was only human after all…

"Thanks," I mumbled sincerely to Leia as I stood. Following my senses, I headed back to the mostly empty crew quarters. Something told me it wouldn't be empty for long.

Leaning against the hull I closed my eyes and just waited. It wasn't a surprise when I finally heard his footsteps coming down the hall. Because we were connected, of course, we were…

Which made my irritation all the more evident to him. Past myself, I almost felt sorry for Luke, having such a temperamental and stubborn woman on his hands. Almost.

When he finally rounded the corner I folded my arms, a slightly playful smirk on my face. "So how's your star pupil?"

Surprisingly, he only sighed. Walking past me he sat on one of the lower bunks, a weariness in his blue eyes. But any hint of his frustration with my moodiness was gone soon enough. He smiled weakly up at me.

"He's doing well, albeit still driven by his emotions to a dangerous degree."

If I hadn't felt his sincerity I would have sworn he was really talking about me.

"How so?" I mumbled.

"He has a great deal of grief and anger and wants someone to place it on…"

I scoffed. "Really, I hadn't noticed?"

"Mara…" he whispered. "I'm sorry this has been so difficult. I would speak to him about it, but I don't want to alienate him so early into his training."

I felt my lungs deflate with the sigh I'd been holding back. The answer was simple enough I assumed. I was the Master, or whatever, I was supposed to be the bigger Jedi. I couldn't argue with that, but…

"Just once, I'd like my past to stay out of the way of my future," I admitted with no little bite.

"I know…" he said honestly. "In a way, it isn't fair to you. After all…" He looked up at me earnestly. "Vader was my father, I'm the one they should all hate. If only they knew…"

"Knew what?" I asked not liking it when he was hard on himself. "Know that you singlehandedly redeemed him and ended the war?"

"It wasn't exactly singlehandedly, Mara…"

"You know what I mean."

I wasn't sure how it had happened, but my selfish concern had morphed into worry for him instead. Again. He had such a way of doing that…

"Then let me worry about you," he added sensing the meaning behind my thoughts. Standing, he took a step closer, reaching out to take my hand.

"Mica doesn't realize it, but you're the Jedi Master that can teach him the most, Mara…"

I raised a curious eyebrow at him. "And what ulterior motive do you have in mind with all this sweet talk, Farmboy?"

He squeezed my hand, his face taking on the playful guilt of a boy who had stolen a bite of dessert. "I'd like you to join in on his training. Not exclusively, but…"

Not twenty minutes ago I'd been ready to launch the kid into space, now Luke was asking me to help train him.

"And if he hates me?"

"All the better, he needs to face that emotion to overcome it."

I hesitated, not relishing the prospect. But I wasn't stupid, I could read every line in between Luke Skywalker.

"And you'd like me to face the issue of how some people feel about me too, right?"

He smiled sheepishly, doing his best to seem charming. The problem was, he was charming. Too darn charming for his own good. Or mine…

I pulled my hand away from his and paced toward the far wall, making a good enough show for my pride. "Seriously?"

"I thought it might be good for both of you, Mara…"

I glanced back at him over my shoulder. "And if I refuse?"

He folded his hands very properly in front of him. So Jedi-like.

"I'd understand, of course…"

"But!" I added for us both. "You know I can't turn down a challenge? Much less one delivered by such a mildly handsome farmer?"

He smiled at me. That same smile that I'd never admit brought me to my knees. It was the smile I'd thought I'd never get to see again while on Migo. The smile Ben already shared…

"Fine, but I'm only doing it for you, Luke. So you owe me. A debt possibly made payable by a real vacation one of these lousy days. One where no one tries to kill us, and no one sticks their nose into our business."

"I'd like that..." He waited silently, politely. Because both of us could feel the real truth like an inescapable undercurrent. I'd missed him… So much that I wasn't ready to be over it yet. But he knew me so well, and I wasn't going to say it. Not here, not now. Instead, I tossed him a playfully annoyed frown.

"You're a real handful, you know that, right, Skywalker?"

I was ready to leave it at that, but he caught my hand on the way out and stopped me. I looked back at him expectantly. "Yeah?"

I felt his fingers close a little tighter around my own. "Thank you…"

"What can I say…?" I whispered back. "I can't stand to see you looking so pitiful."

He smiled at me brightly before he stole a kiss and then walked on. I watched the sway of his tunic as he rounded the corner out of sight. Another time, another me, would have wondered what I'd gotten myself into.

But mostly now…I was just so glad to be alive.

Yavin 4 was a humid jungle I'd tolerated at the best of times and hated at the worst. But that opinion was changing little by little with every year spent married to Master Luke Skywalker. Every day spent with his eternal wisdom and Jedi goodness worming its way inside my head. Gradually, old memories were being replaced by better ones. Seeing the students grow and change was surprisingly rewarding.

But today…I loved the look of that soggy ground. I was alive, against all odds. Alive enough to see Ben again…

It was a secret triumph I didn't share with anyone. No, just kept that straight face as we landed. But of course, Luke knew. He had to, and he proved it with every sweet sideways glance he gave me. I wasn't hoping for any fanfare, but from the look of the crowd gathered at the landing zone we were going to get plenty.

"They're so relieved you two are alright…" Luke whispered soft enough for just me to hear.

Across from us, I could feel Mica's interest piqued. Some swirl of mixed emotions playing out inside of him. Just what they meant I couldn't say. But frankly, at the moment I didn't care. It could all wait…

As expected, Leia and I were bombarded by greetings and downright hugs as we made our way down the ramp. Nothing about this new Jedi was cold or aloof. For a second, I had to admire how remarkable that was. But then they had the best possible teacher… We all had.

The smile on my face was some mix of awkwardness and strain, but it was still so good to see them all. Awkward or not, I'd much rather have a welcome party than a funeral waiting for me. Rena was one of the first faces in the crowd to spring forward and hug me. Followed by more than I could count. In its own way, I took note of each as something remarkable. Because, apparently, it meant they cared about me just that much…

Waiting at the back of the crowd was Corran. He nodded as Luke and I approached. The slight smile on his face told me he was as glad to see me, even if he wasn't about to make the same show over it. I was glad to see him too, but the little boy in his arms stole all my focus.

Looking somehow older than I expected, was Ben. I knew he was still no more than a baby, but something seemed older about him. As if the worry on his little face was more potent than years.

"Ma!" he shouted as soon as our eyes met.

Corran's smile softened as he held him out to me. "I believe this is yours, Jade."

I mumbled out something to go along with my nod, but words failed me. Of course, they did… All my strength, all my bravado would only do me so much good. So I did the only smart thing and kept my mouth shut, lest I start crying in front of all of them. Ben nestled in my arms seeming to convey that all had been forgiven, even though both his parents had run off and left him.

I didn't say a word, standing among Jedi, my emotions felt all but transparent. Truthfully, I didn't care much, I just held on to him as tightly as I could…

"Thank you for watching him, Corran," Luke added, standing next to us.

But Corran shrugged. "I didn't do so much. No, he did most of it."

We followed his line of sight until they landed on Ranjer, standing modestly away from the crowd. "Your baby is as fussy as your wife, Luke," Corran added with a smile. "That's why I'm glad I wasn't the one who had to stay up all night with him."

I smiled back. I'd let him have the insult this one time, I was too relieved to care.

Luke took a few steps closer to Ranjer before pulling him into a hug. "Thank you," he said when he pulled back.

"Yeah, from both of us," I added gratefully.

Ranjer smiled at us meekly. "It was nothing, you saved my life."

I glanced down at Ben for a second letting my heart breach the surface. "And you saved the most important part of mine…"

Ranjer smiled. "Please, you both must be exhausted, please rest up. We can talk about everything later." Looking back, I could sense the slight wilt in Ranjer's spirit, but at the time I didn't notice it at all. I was too overwhelmed by holding Ben again. I vaguely remember Luke introducing Mica to Corran before we disappeared to our quarters.

Even here on Yavin, I felt remarkably at home. Its aura and sense filled my perceptions completely. It was so familiar… After looking death straight in the eyes and seeing everything I had to lose reflected back at me, I was finally home. When the door closed behind us I felt a part of me decompress until I was weak.

Exhausted from his own relief, Ben was asleep soon enough. For the longest time, Luke and I just watched him lying there. Sensing the steady pulse of life flowing all around us. Words had already proved so inadequate, eclipsed by the clear bond we shared. And yet… I thought back to all those things I had thought back on Migo. The desire I had to speak my heart by choice, with full intention.

Maybe it was pointless, but I still needed to do it.

"Next time I die, I'm bringing you with me, Skywalker," I whispered, the words sounding different than what I'd rehearsed in my head.

But the translation didn't seem the least bit lost on him. No, far from it. Luke smiled, slowly putting an arm around my trembling shoulders.

"And I'd happily follow…" he whispered into my ear. "What use would the half of me left be?"

I scoffed softly. "Your half is more than most will ever have, Luke…"

I hadn't really meant he'd have nothing to live for without me. I hadn't really meant I wanted him to die beside me, but all the words felt even more jumbled the more I tried to untangle them. Yet he smiled at the pang of frustration rising in me.

"I understand…" he said, his eyes not leaving Ben. "I always have."

"Not always…" I mumbled back, letting myself relax into his arms. "You thought I wanted to kill you once."

"I knew you thought you did," he sweetly countered. "Inside I always trusted you'd see the truth in time."

"Oh I get it," I whispered back, playfully annoyed. "You knew you were too charming to kill? How very haughty of you, Luke Skywalker."

I heard him softly chuckle. "Not at all. I knew there was so much good inside of you." His voice was soft, revealing some subtle insecurity. "Kill me, no. But marry me…?" He breathed out sharply. "That's still so surprising…"

For a second, I felt something even he had tried to hide from me. Some rare glimpse of the admiration he had for me, the feelings he had held inside for so long. Feelings he never dared to hope would be returned. Feelings he had even managed to hide from himself.

"But you had nothing to lose then, right?" I asked, thinking back to the sound of flooding water and the feeling of calm acceptance in the air. "We were as good as dead, so why not take a stab at it?" I grinned at him. "After all, the worst I could do was kill you a little quicker."

"At some point," he whispered. "I was sure. Sure I couldn't keep living a lie, not even the lie I told myself." He glanced at me with a meek, honest smile. "When you said yes, I started to hope we would survive somehow."

"You weren't before?" I quipped.

He looked back at Ben. "Of course, but… The future suddenly seemed so much more worth living for."

Sometimes I asked myself if not for our bond, for all the realization that flooded through me then, would I have said yes? The answer was a tricky one. Maybe I'd never really known it even after years of being married to him. But since Migo, I thought I did…

I didn't need the Force to make me love him.

I had managed that all on my own…