This is a two-part story. "Chapter 2" is simply the second half of the story and will be released in early October. I guess that would technically make this a two-shot, but I'll let you sweat the details.
If you've read anything I have written before; I have been trying to hone my style of writing, so this will probably be a bit different than normal. I've only done a small amount of research, so don't go crazy if any lore or anything about Dark Pit isn't quite accurate. Aside from that, let's just get right into it.
There wasn't often a peaceful day when it came to the life of a smasher; let alone one who burns bridges of friendship as if they were matches. But even in the constant mischief brewed by his own hands, Dark Pit still found himself glancing above the hills and into the city from the window in his room. The day had been quiet so far and, although he wouldn't ever admit it; it was a decent change of pace from the normal chaos. The boy brought his hand to his face as he peered out from the Smash Mansion.
"I can't believe how calm it is. Maybe this isn't so bad actually. I think I could use a break…" He stretched back and let himself yawn. It seemed like things would pick back up tomorrow and he intended to enjoy the pleasantries of the uncharacteristic silence. "Guess I'll head out and have a walk. Get some fresh air." Dark Pit slid on his shoes and left his room. Not a single soul roamed the halls with him it seemed. The air felt stiff as he traveled down the stairs. The only noise to penetrate the atmosphere was his light breaths, slowly beginning to fill with unease.
It's never this quiet. Maybe I missed a mandatory meeting. I'd better ask just in case or Master Hand is gonna squish me with a mallet…
Turning the corner from the stairwell was a blinding light pouring from the 10 foot mirrors set in the lobby. The edgy angel shielded his eyes; bright beacons bathing him with the beautiful sight of the first class mansion he was set to live in. Any normal person would take one look at the lobby of the Smash Mansion and be taken aback by the beautiful two-tiered indoor fountain, freshly grown botanical decorations, chandeliers sparkling with the essence of star bits, regal rugs and drapes showcasing the flagstaff logo of Master Hand's creation, perfect pillars of mixed marble, and the maintained scents of tropical greenery.
A common Smasher like Dark Pit, however, rolled his eyes as he became accustomed to the overwhelming showcase set by over-enthusiastic hands. He walked over to the front desk where he found a receptionist that was too enveloped in her book to notice him.
"Yo, have you seen where everybody went? I didn't miss a meeting did I?" He cleared his throat. There was no answer as the lady had hardly made an effort to flip her page. A vein tightened in the boy's throat and he slammed his fist onto the desk.
She startled and let out a sharp cry, tossing her book to the side as her face flushed red.
"Goodness me! Boy, you done scared me half to death! Don't they teach young men like you any manners? I ought to beat you black and blue for acting like that!" The receptionist rolled her sleeves back. The angel bit back a laugh and closed his eyes.
"Hey, don't be mad at me. You weren't exactly listen-"
He felt something hard slap him on the head. His eyes shot open to the middle-aged mistress holding a thin beige paddle with the words "POW!" written on it. "Ow! What'd you do that for!?" He wanted to be angry, but he was too busy rubbing his aching skull.
"This generation is raised to be nothing but a bunch of renegade reprobates and I, Jill Onhood will have no tolerance for it. Now are you ready to address me like I'm a respectable woman or should I treat you to another?" she slapped her hand. The boy squinted at her, muttering things under his breath before biting his lip.
"I'm sorry for being rude…"
"Oh I'm sorry sugar, I don't speak in mumbling too well. You mind speaking up a bit?"
"Will you just help me already!?" his brow lowered before he noticed Jill reaching for something. "Uh well I mean, ugh…I didn't mean to scare you, but I really want to know if there was a meeting or gathering or something. It's way too quiet here."
A satisfied smile crossed the receptionist's face as she pulled out her event log.
"No I don't believe there's a meeting honey, but there was a proper fuss going on about a celebration over a new public works project that was finished some days ago. It was…Uh…Oh yeah! They built up a gorgeous Super Zoo! For the first time, people can see inter-multiversal species in front of their very own eyes without simulation! Now ain't that just the darndest thing?" She smiled, her hands clasped together.
Dark Pit rolled his eyes. "Really? I see electric rodents, green dinosaurs, and talking balls of cheese everyday I go to a tournament match. Why would anyone want to see some dumb uncommon animals?" He snorted. The receptionist's eyes lit up even brighter as she imagined it.
"I'd sure be peppy if I got to see all those weird creatures! You can poke an eyeball at a real-life Metroid so you can see what our Samus has to face! Or how about the mysterious Bulborbs from PNF-404? I'd dare to claim that your socks would get knocked off from seeing those adorable little Chao's from Green Hill Zone! I can see the itty bitty cuties already…" Jill let out a sigh, lost in thought. "It's too bad I lost a bet with the other receptionists. They're probably checkin' it now, while little ol' me is locked here in the quiet."
"Yeah, none of that sounds cool, fun, or interesting. Do they have anything else that might be slightly entertaining?" he grumbled. The receptionist looked slightly taken aback before she tapped her chin.
"Well, I suppose if you don't like the cute creatures then there's the more ferocious and odd ones. I think they mentioned others like Monoeyes and Shemums." A shudder of repulsion went down Dark Pit's spine. Somehow, Jill could tell that he was unimpressed. "It's a lot more spectacular in person, ya hear? I'd be there now if life didn't have a way of showing me what for." She lazily let a curl of her hair dangle in her face.
"Pfft, sucks to be you. Although I wish Master Hand would build something cool already. Like a competitive racetrack where we can throw all sorts of weapons at each other. Now THAT would be sick. Not some dumb zoo for animal loving softies like Rosalina." The stillness in the lobby was becoming stifling. The dark angel shook his head; eyes closed and proceeded down the hall.
"I happen to think that Rosalina is a fine upstanding woman, thank you very much!" She called after him. He couldn't help but smile. "And I wasn't finished! There's an exclusive concert being held later in the evening. It's supposed to star the world famous K.K. Slider and he's releasing a new hit single. But you won't care none too much 'bout that now would ya?"
Dark Pit stopped in his tracks.
"Wait, did you say K.K. SLIDER!? I HAVE EVERY ALBUM HE EVER RELEASED!" he rushed back to the counter beaming, but his smile quickly faded when he realized the dark truth. "Wait…I don't have a ticket…WHERE DO I GET A TICKET WOMAN!?" he reached over the desk and started shaking Jill back and forth.
"N-n-now h-hold on just one stinkin' minute! You're giving me a h-h-headache with all t-that yankin'!" she cried out in between breaths. The boy let her go, heaving large breaths and sweat forming at his brow.
"Since you know so much about it, surely you know where I can get a ticket, right?" Dark Pit's big red eyes stared at her like a puppy dog. She almost let herself smile before she remembered to slap him on the head with her paddle.
WHACK!
Now that had been taken care of, the receptionist reached into her knapsack and pulled out a silver-lined ticket.
"I was afraid I wasn't gonna get to use this since I lost that bet, so I figured I'd give it away to one of the kind fighters staffed here at the mansion. I just haven't seen any yet this morning." At the very mention of 'give it away', the boy removed his hands from his throbbing skull and held them out.
"Gimme."
"You? Pah! I said I wanted to give it to a kind fighter and you don't strike me much of the sort. Little bullies like yourself don't get handouts." She quickly folded it back into her sack. As she picked up her book, her eyes darted in front of her to see an extremely down-trodden Dark Pit. He was so perturbed that in a matter of seconds, he grew an aftershave goatee and a raincloud that circled above him. His poor little eyes were beyond moist: with rivers of broken dreams streaming down onto the floor. A chorus sang into the air; befitting that of mourning beyond mortal comprehension.
"H-hey now…Aren't you takin' this a little too seriously…?" Her voice was drowned out by the strings of the melancholic violins being played by the choir. The thundercloud above him roared louder as rain washed away his final drop of joy. "Alright already, you poor thing! I'll grant it to you on one condition." The thundercloud stopped. The chorus of Shyguys came to a hush. Dark Pit quickly waved away the Lakitu over his head and used the rain water to clean the hastily drawn aftershave from his face.
"You will? I'll do what you need. Who's legs do I have to break?" He was leaning over the counter; poking himself halfway through the window.
"Wha…? I don't need you to-"
"Is it THAT guy!?" his finger shot to a random staff member sweeping the floor. Within moments did he have his silver bow at the ready to fire in the janitor's direction.
"NO NO NO! Why don't you try listenin' for just one second!?" Jill huffed once she had the boy's attention. "All I need ya to do is run a few errands right quick. Just three things: First, there's a package that needs to be picked up-" Jill was cut off by the loud sound of someone clearing their throat. The two of them looked up to see one of the Shyguys from the choir holding out their hand to Dark Pit. The angel glanced between the receptionist and the impatient Shyguy before he sighed; dropping seventy-dollars worth of coins into its outstretched hand.
"What, no tip?"
"Get outta here you little retch!" He shooed the Shyguy away and turned his back to them. "Anyway, you were saying? Pick up your package?"
"Uh…right. Yeah um, there's a package that was delivered to the wrong address and was sent back to the post office. It just needs to be picked up and delivered to…" She pulled a list from her knapsack and peered at it. "Villager. Either take it to his room or place it into his hands directly. After that is when I'll need you to go shopping for a good gift to give a brand new staff member. Some guy named…" She once again peered into the list.
"Come on, is your handwriting that bad?" he snorted.
"Don't be like that. I'm a reader, not a writer. I think it says…Walgi? Something like that. Anyway, no smasher has met him yet and he's due to be introduced sometime today once he's feeling better, so pick out a nice welcome gift. Don't forget to wrap it. You got that so far?" her eyes pulled away from the list to meet his gaze. Dark Pit was focusing so hard that a vein in his forehead began to bulge.
"Yeah yeah I got it. Deliver a package to Villager and grab some cheap junk for Walgi. What's the last thing? Let me guess: this is the part where you reveal some crazy and over-the-top task that will be life-risking and not at all worth doing for the payout because I'm going to be terribly wounded after it?" Jill's horrified face said it all.
"Absolutely not! Don't be such a pessimist. Although I guess it is an EXTREMELY URGENT EMERGENCY!" Dark Pit looked at her as his heart began racing. "I just need ya to take Crazy Hand his lunch. He forgot it today. He should be in his office in the sky, so just fly it to him." With great effort, she reached down and pulled out a lunchbox the size of a toddler. It slammed on her desk with a mighty THUMP!
"Uh, but Master Hand and Crazy Hand don't eat…"
She waved his thoughts away with her hand. "I know I know, but Crazy felt more comfortable pretending like he had some fancy new job, so he created a small floating building wayyy above this one. Apparently it's more productive for him to be up there doin' heaven knows what instead of accidentally destroying things down here. Master Hand certainly looked less stressed anyhoo." She placed a hand over her mouth to cover her smile.
Dark Pit looked more than unhappy at the errands he had to run, but it was a small price to pay for exclusive K.K. content. He pulled the lunchbox off the table only to be caught off guard by how heavy it was. It tipped over and crashed to the ground. Ground: meaning his foot.
"AAH! Why is it so heavy!? Is he eating entire bricks!?" He heaved it up with both hands and did a little dance to soothe his aching toes.
"Close. Since the Hands' don't eat, Master Hand cemented the lunchbox shut so Crazy didn't shove a smasher in there to sneak to work with him. Apparently he saved Princess Peach a heap o' trouble."
"That sounds exactly like something that lunatic Hand would do." Crazy always did have a weird desire to kidnap specifically Princess Peach. It's likely the reason Master Hand prevents him from acquiring the new Mario games. He set his foot down and reached for the lunchbox once more. "So, he's got a floating office? Is there an elevator, or...?" His eyes darted between her and the heavy block.
"O-oh well, I'd bet there ain't no elevator to get up there. It's not a place fer visitors to really be at. Luckily, you got yerself some wings so why don't you fly-"
"WELL HOW WERE YOU SUPPOSED TO GET THE STINKIN' LUNCHBOX UP THERE WITHOUT AN ELEVATOR!? Last I checked," his red eyes studied her up and down. "you didn't have a set of wings on you! Did you think that through!?" His teeth gritted. Jill brought a finger to her mouth and looked dazed.
"Now that I give it a good thought, I guess it would be rather difficult for little ol' me to haul that sucker up there. Good thing I found someone desperate enough to take care of it!" She smiled. Dark Pit would have had a retort if he wasn't busy holding up a giant box of cement. "Speaking of haulin'...You probably should get going if you wanna make the concert on time! That is, assumin' you really will run these errands for me." She sarcastically clasped her hands together and she shot him a teasing gaze. He rolled his eyes.
"I already agreed! Besides, it's not like I'm doing this for you. I don't even like you!"
"Well do ya like anyone?"
"Uh, well um yeah I think er, there was this one time, if I can recall, that uh yeah and um..." Jill shook her head and handed him the list.
"Nevermind that, Sugar. Go on and take this list so you don't forget anythin'. Now I'll see ya in a bit I hope. Those tasks ain't gonna sort themselves out!" With that, she picked up her book and leaned back in her seat; to the dismay of the downtrodden angel.
"Better just get this over with..." He slowly waddled out of the main doors with Crazy Hand's lunch in tow.
Now that he was outside the mansion, Dark Pit truly saw the beauty of the day before him. Birds flying overhead with their songs echoing envious amounts of enthusiasm; to the gentle waving of gorgeous exotic flowers collected by Isabell and maintained by Peach. Cobblestone crunched beneath the boy's feet as he trudged down the sun-bleached path that led to the front gates. A warm breeze brushed his ears and nose while lightly tossing his hair. A lovely day indeed.
Man this sucks. I shouldn't have gotten out of bed this morning...Then AGAIN, there's no way I can miss an exclusive by K.K. Slider! Just gotta get past this silly endeavor and then I'll be set! He chuckled to himself and set the lunchbox down. He turned his gaze to the sky to see a small office floating not much higher than the top of the mansion.
"It's an eyesore, isn't it?" The angel jumped at the sound of a voice. He spun around, coming face-to-face with Wii Fit Trainer. His brow narrowed as he folded his arms.
"Don't sneak up on me like that!" He tried not to sound startled. It was not working. "W-what are you even doing here? Shouldn't you be at some weird zoo like everyone else?" He made a face at her.
"Don't be silly. I've already gone today! I was just going on my second daily run and enjoying the quiet." Wifi (Wii Fit) glanced at the lunchbox on the ground, then looked back towards the frowning angel. "Dark Pit, a lunch that size couldn't be very healthy for you. How many calories are you eating a day? You'll ruin your boyish figure if you're not careful." She knelt down to inspect it.
"Yeah, I don't plan on eating it because it's not mine. Not to mention, I don't eat rocks like a brainless buffoon. *Cough* *cough* Wario *cough.*" He scoffed. He watched the trainer lift it up with one arm before setting it back down.
"It certainly feels like a rock. Why would you want to carry this around? Is it for a workout, by chance?"
"No! Why would I need to workout? I'm already a unit!" He picked up the lunchbox above his head and flexed. It was obvious by the way his body trembled underneath the weight that he was struggling. "Yeah! See?"
Wifi looked unimpressed. "Sorry, but no. A REAL unit probably looks like that." She aimed a thumb over her shoulder to show Kazuya working on his car. He was simply hitting it really hard with a wrench. "His biceps are the size of your head."
"W-who cares?! Besides..." He couldn't help but turn back towards the office in the sky. "After getting this up THERE, I'll probably look like Captain Falcon." The angel sighed as he realized how far he was going to have to fly with the box. It's hard enough to throw Bowser around during tournament hours, but even harder to do so 1000 ft in the air with a concrete block the size of Ness and Toon Link combined.
With great effort, Dark Pit took a deep breath and jumped upward; straining against the weight pulling him down. Slowly but surely did he manage to get into the air.
"I-I got it! I'm-hrnng, I'm doing it!" He shut his eyes and gritted his teeth while his muscles and wings bulged. "T-this is...Nothing!" It wasn't until what seemed like minutes that he opened his eyes and saw that he was only about 2 stories high in the air. "Oh for the love of...This is ridiculous!" Sweat pooled off his forehead and spilled onto the ground below. One of the windows on the 2nd floor he was nearby opened and Wifi offered a sympathetic approach.
"Um, Dark Pit, if I may suggest a different course of action-"
"What?! C-can't you see that-hrrng, I'm a bit busy!?"
"I suppose so, but wouldn't it be a little easier if you flew from the roof instead? That would get you far closer to Crazy's office than starting from the bottom...?"
Oh.
"F-f-fine, but just let me in first!" The boy rushed towards the window as her eyes widened. Without thinking, he slung the lunchbox inside, knocking Wifi over like a bowling pin before he climbed in himself. He collapsed on his hands and knees while the fitness trainer laid beside him on the ground, rubbing her aching head.
"You know, that was really uncalled-for, Dark Pit." Her tone was stiff and muffled.
"*Huff* *puff* Oh my bad. I didn't think taking a 1-ton box to the face would hurt. Yeah, *huff* really big oversight on my part. Psh, why WOULD you move out of the way when somebody is carrying something heavy? That *puff* definitely wouldn't make any sense at all..."
Without warning, a whistle could be heard nearby and Mega Man rounded the corner before the two could react.
"Uh..." All he saw was two sweaty smashers lying near each other and the floor soaked with their effort. "What in the world...?" His eyes darted between the two of them. Wifi held out her hand.
"Hold on, there's an explanation for-" She was cut off by the blue bomber turning around and going back the other way.
"You know what? I don't even want to know." He was gone as suddenly as he appeared. They both hopped to their feet and stretched. A loud *pop* came from the angel's back.
"Ugh, alright. Back to it. I've never been more happy that elevators exist than I am now." He yawned. His gaze shifted to see Wifi step in front of him with her eyes narrowed.
"Elevator? Don't be silly. The stairs are the most healthy way to travel and can be quicker than the lift. Come on, I'll even lend my services." She turned him around and nudged the boy towards the stairwell.
"Are you joking? Lady, this place has 13 floors! I'm not taking this thing by foot!" His hands were wrapped tight around Crazy's lunch.
"Oh yes you are! You said you wanted to look like Captain Falcon, right? Then you had better pick those legs up!" She marched him away from the elevator.
"W-wait a minute!" He spoke frantically. Wifi's hands were pressed into his back as they reached the stairs. "I was speaking figuratively! Captain Falcon wouldn't want this!"
"Muscles do not know the definition of figurative! Now MOVE IT!" She blew a loud whistle that shook him down to his core.
"Alright I'm going! Jeez!" He took the first step, but that didn't appease his coach.
"I WANNA SEE SOME EFFORT OUT OF YOU!" Though she was directly next to him, the trainer spoke into a megaphone that was pressed against his head. "YEAH! FEEL THE BURN!"
"Stop it Wifi you psychopath! I'm moving!" He trudged up the stairs as quickly as he could with the box being hugged to his body. No matter how fast he went, his new coach pushed him harder. For each floor they passed, you could hear his frantic cries as a megaphone urged him onwards. By the 8th floor, the edgy angel dropped the box on the floor and panted against it.
"I *huff* don't know if I'm gonna make it coach. I don't have it in me. I need some water!" He was kneeling on a stair when he heard the megaphone turn off. A comforting hand was placed on his shoulder.
"Listen, I know the journey is always straining and sometimes it feels like you never are going to reach that goal, but that's not true. This was never going to be easy, right? Look at how far you've come-" she pulled his head up to look her in the eyes. "Do you think Master Hand saw a quitter in you when he brought you to this tournament?"
"Uh, well no, but-"
"No! You're Viridi's pride and joy! And Master Hand believes it!"
"Well that's a bit much to-"
"Do you think that they would believe you would fall shorter than Pit would?"
"Certainly not, however-"
"I didn't think so! So what would our Hand think? His brother needs his lunch and you've been entrusted with this. Would he regret his decision if he saw you now?"
"Um, I guess so, but Master Hand didn't-"
"He would be disappointed for one! Is that what you want?!"
"No!"
"Did you get this far by giving up?!"
"No way!"
"Are you gonna wallow in what could have been, or will you pull through?!"
"I'm gonna pull through!"
Her megaphone clicked back on and she brought it to her mouth. "THEN GET UP THOSE STAIRS, BOY!"
"YEAAAH! LET'S DO THIS RAAAAAAHH!" Dark Pit flung the box above his head and began to sprint up the staircase. Wifi followed closely while continuing her shouting. Eventually, the two burst through the doors on the roof. Beams of the sun bathed them in warmth and the air filled with the sound of generators that helped power their home. The lunchbox clattered to the ground.
"I did it! I'm the best! That's how it's done!" Cheers sounded off and Dark Pit gave himself a high five. Wifi smiled before holding out her hand.
"You did very well. Amazing job!" She said, still holding out her hand. It didn't take long for the boy to realize what was happening.
"Wait, are you charging me? Why?" His cheers came to a stop and he folded his arms. "You're the reason why I didn't take the elevator!"
"But you received the best workout of your life! Overcoming obstacles surpasses the need for daily convenience." She spoke. He brought a finger to his mouth.
"Well, I guess so, but-"
"My training services don't typically come for free. I'll only charge you for a short session with a first-time discount." Her eyes burned into him. Dark Pit wiped the sweat from his brow and smirked.
"I don't really want to do that. Besides, we're already on the roof. What're you gonna do, put it on my tab?" He snickered to himself. Before he really noticed, Wii Fit Trainer was holding the box over the edge of the building.
"Well, then I suppose you wouldn't mind doing it over on your own then." She leaned closer.
"WAIT WAIT WAIT!" He dashed towards her and she sat the lunchbox down. "I-I was only messing around! Anything but that!" His money pouch was out of his pocket in seconds. He pulled out a handful of coins and dropped them into her hands. She silently counted before frowning.
"Really? No tip?"
"Beat it you conniving fraud!" He shouted and shooed her away. Looking up at the sky again, it seemed the floating office was only about 3-4 floors higher than the roof. This should be MUCH easier than starting from the ground. After this, I'll only have two simple errands to run.
He hadn't noticed earlier, but there were two other Smashers on top of the mansion with him. As he dragged the lunchbox closer to the center, he noticed Simon and Pikachu doing some type of combat training. Simon was launching his boomerang cross and Pikachu would electrify it, sending sparks in every direction until it returned. When Simon noticed him, he nodded and waved.
"Afternoon Pittoo. What're you doing up here? Didn't feel like checking out the zoo?" He called out.
"Don't call me that! And no, I have no interest in looking at some dumb animals." Pikachu felt a little hurt by this, but he did nothing to show it. Simon was too busy looking at the size of Dark Pit's lunch.
"Are you about to have a picnic or something? That's quite the box you've packed. I hope you're not going to eat all of that yourself."
"Pika!" Pikachu nodded in agreement. The boy ran a hand through his hair and sighed.
Why do I have to keep explaining this... "None of this is my idea, alright? Why don't you just keep doing whatever the heck you were and leave me alone?!" He fussed, turning his back to them.
"Oh, we're practicing for our team battle tomorrow. You know, working on new attacks and-"
"I don't care what it is you do, as long as it has nothing to do with me!" Jeez! Why does everyone keep talking to me?! He shook them from his mind and tried to focus.
"Dang man. Suit yourself."
"Pika pika..."
"Yeah I have no clue what's got him so grumpy..." He waited for their footsteps to march off before he grabbed the box with two hands.
"Come on Dark Pit, just gotta get 40 feet in the air. That's not far at all. You've got this..." He spoke in a whisper. Taking
another deep breath like before, he jumped and tensed his wings. His back heaved as hard as he could and he began to take to the winds.
Speaking of winds, a large gust blew by the rooftop as he hovered and for some reason, he could hear the cracking of electricity.
"HEADS UP PITTOO!" All of a sudden, he felt something slam into his back and all of his nerves began to shout in confusion. Lightning crawled through his veins; clawing up his body and tickling his mind.
"Augh! Aaaaah!" A shout was all the boy could manage before he was dragged to the ground by the lunchbox. He lost all feeling in his wings and they drooped at his sides. Simon quickly ran towards him as the boomerang cross clattered to the ground.
"Hey, are you wounded? Sorry, that wind knocked us off course." He quickly helped the angel to his feet. "Wow that must have hurt. Guess our new attack is effective, huh? Haha..."
Dark Pit's mind was everywhere and nowhere. He shook himself out of a daze, but still felt paralyzed.
"G-gonna k-kill you...k-k-kill you b-both..."
"Oh man Pikachu, he can't even threaten us properly. Is there a doctor in the house?!" Simon shouted. As if on cue, a stool flew beneath Dark Pit and Dr. Mario pulled himself up off the edge of the mansion.
"The doctor is-a here!" The doctor was here. He did a somersault through the air and landed next to the stool. "Looks like a deep paralysis has-a taken place. No matter!" In a flash of movement, he whipped a Paralyz Heal from his coat and sprayed the boy with it. It blew into his eyes, mouth, and nose.
"*Cough* *hack* Watch where you're spraying that stuff! It burns!" His hands shot up to his eyes.
"You're cured! Now let's make sure you weren't injured in any other way..." Dr. Mario spun the edgy angel around and inspected him. He placed a hand on the boy's limp wings and nodded. "Looks like moderate damage to the rear deltoids and wings. Blunt force trauma is most likely. Now take a deep breath. In and out." He placed a cool stethoscope against his back.
"Hey uh, excuse me for questioning your methods, but shouldn't you X-ray me instead of using that breath thing?"
"I didn't practice for-a years and get-a my medical license just to be-a corrected by my patients. Now breathe!" The doctor did not take kindly to ignorant feedback.
"Okay okay! *Deep breaths*."
"Got it! Now, what is-a the solution..." The doctor pulled away from Dark Pit and put his hand against his chin. He stood silently, blocking out the rest of the world. The boy awkwardly shuffled in his seat and looked towards Simon.
"Is he always like this? This seems weirdly unprofessional and yet it's extremely optimal." Now the doctor was balancing a scale in one hand and taking measurements on an abacus with the other.
"Ah, I think this is just a part of the process. He should have a 'eureka' moment shortly. Just gotta let him do his thing." The doctor was now sipping a glass of tea and eating a biscuit.
"Right. The process..."
"Pika pi..." Once Dr. Mario finished his snack and threw the glass off the building, he quickly turned around.
"Eureka! Testing is complete!" He sprinted over to Dark Pit and pulled a chart out of his coat.
"Give it to me straight Doc. What's wrong with my wings?" The boy chewed his fingernails down to the pink.
"My diagnosis is that you are suffering from an electric overexertion and have-a now lost your ability to fly! You will need plenty of rest and daily doses of medicine to recover." He said. The doc flipped a roll of wrap down his arm and quickly began to bind Dark Pit's wings.
"Overexertion? Electric? I can't fly anymore?! That can't be true! How am I going to fly again?" He tried not to move too much while the doc was fixing him up, but he was failing.
"Oh, don't-a worry. You will-a fly again in due time." He moved on to the next wing.
"That's not how my flight works! Unless you have a spare Pandora that I can absorb really quick, then I'll never fly again! Not with useless, broken, limp wings." He clapped his hands to his face. The doctor shook his head and removed a bottle of pills from within his sleeve.
"Now now, eating Pandora won't be necessary. Once you-a finish these pills over the course of a week, you'll be good as-a new!" He tore a page from his chart and handed it to the boy. "This is-a your procedure page. All of-a the details you need are on-a this sheet. There's also a doctor's note if you-a need it. Now," the doctor held out his hand.
"It's going to be a WHOLE WEEK before I can fly again?! Is there anyway you can fix me up sooner than that?" He begged. His eyes locked with Mario- erm, Dr. Mario's. He didn't reply; only holding out his hand in expectance.
"Uh, Pittoo, I think you should probably pay him for his hard work." Simon whispered.
"Wait, are you serious? I'm not the one who asked for a doctor! I won't pay a dime!" He crossed his arms. Dark Pit tried to avoid the doc's gaze and turned away from him.
"I just-a climbed a thirteen-story mansion while carrying a stool in order to-a help. You will pay. They-a always do." His voice echoed over the rooftop. "Or maybe you would-a prefer to not fly at all..."
"Just a heads up, Pittoo? He's got a scalpel-"
"Scalpel?" He turned around in the stool to see the doctor inches away from him. "Fine! Take it easy man, I was only kidding!" Once again did he find himself shaking coins into someone else's hand. Doctor Mario counted the money before rubbing his brow.
"Are you-a going to give-a me a tip?"
"What is wrong with you people?! Go away!" He shouted and shooed him off. The stool spun from beneath him with a mind of its own and flew into the doctor's hand as he left.
"Oof!" Dust billowed as Dark Pit hit the floor. Ow, my everything. Ugh, just remember what you're fighting for. Those sweet sweet tickets to K. K… Simon and Pikachu watched him mumble to himself like a crazy person.
"Pika pi…"
"Yeah, let's take a break Pikachu. I heard there's a new smoothie parlor down…" their voices trailed off as they began to leave the rooftop.
"Hey! Wait a minute!" the unfortunate angel called out. He popped his back and aimed a crooked finger at them. "I thought I remembered saying that I was gonna kill you both!" Within seconds did he withdraw his bow. The other smashers exchanged glances before shrugging; Simon holding out another cross newly enchanted with Pikachu's electricity.
"Have it your way." the man said with indifference in his tone. Sweat beaded down Pittoo's face.
"You know what? I think I've had my fill of the shock boomerangs. Um…enjoy your smoothies…" He hastily turned away from them and pretended they weren't there until he heard the sounds of fading footsteps. Oh yeah, the lunchbox. "OH RIGHT! How am I supposed to get that-" his eyes darted towards the giant metal cube, "up there with no wings?!" As if talking to himself was the key all along, he spotted a strange looking hologram floating above a teleportal that read: "PORTAL TO CRAZY HAND'S OFFICE. ONLY USE IN EXTREME EMERGENCY."
Now some would be overjoyed that a solution would present itself in the manner that Dark Pit has experienced. But others, maybe the pessimists, would see the downside of not noticing such a revelation sooner. One type of person may find appreciation in times like these and a different person may perceive it as an insult.
Feel free to guess which one the edgy angel is.
"Are you kidding me?! I can't fly now all because that receptionist didn't remember the stupid teleportal?!" When he obviously received no answer because he continues speaking to himself, he groaned and put a hand in his hair. "Let's just get this over with…"
Meanwhile, in a very busy office…
Crazy hand stared at his desk. On it lie a single sheet of paper; seemingly a document of bureaucratic affairs, reading: "Crazy Hand, we have recently heard that you visited the custodians corner during their meeting to introduce their new member, Walgi. Learning this info, it was reported that you picked Walgi up and flew him around the mansion at Mach 3 in order to 'show him the Smash Bros. experience' which resulted in him becoming sick to his stomach and passing out. While you are the co-host of the Smash Bros. Tournament, we believe that this behavior was inappropriate and ask that you formally apologize to Walgi for startling him and for you to accommodate him so he feels welcome here. We will be waiting for your swift response, Board of Bureaucracy (BoB)."
The Left Hand floated silently while deeply pondering the paper.
"Yep, still don't get it. No matter how many times I read this, I have no clue what 'accommodate' means. Probably just a bunch of gibberish anyway!" he snapped his fingers and the paper erupted in flames. Turning into ash, Crazy stretched himself and looked around at his tiny office. While there was a small building floating in the sky, it was simply a completely hollowed out space with a desk, a lamp, and a picture of Master Hand and Crazy Hand wearing striped ties. But regardless of the size, it was where Crazy came to work very hard for 8 hours a day.
So it was a bit of a surprise to see the door to his office open to fill the air with grunts and groans. Dark Pit dragged the metal lunchbox into the office and fell to his hands and knees, sweat drops dirtying the floor.
"*huff* *puff* Alright you stupid hand. *Gasp* Here's your dumb lunchbox." the boy choked out. Crazy Hand looked at him (which is weird because he doesn't have eyes) and twitched.
"Well golly Pittoo! You sure did pack a wallop of a lunch! However, don't eat a ton like that just because you made it into the tournament. You'll get a big gut like King Dedede if you do!" the hand gestured towards the box.
Isn't this supposed to belong to him?! How does this mix-up keep happening? "No no no! I came all this way just to see you and complete this stupid task."
"Well that's sweet of you to visit me while I'm working hard, but I don't need to eat! You didn't have to make me lunch!" the massive hand laughed.
"What in the world are you talking about? You left your lunch box filled with your…lunch… back at the mansion. I brought it to you like you asked." Dark Pit stood up and pointed to the box.
"Nope! I don't have a digestive system, so there's no reason for me to eat! I'm certain that whatever you cooked was delicious, but you can feel free to take it with you." the hand turned back towards his empty desk.
"Hey you listen to me! I just went through a nightmare of wacky excursions just for you to get this heavy lunch box and YOU'RE telling me that it's not even yours?! WHO ELSE WOULD CARRY A GIANT LUNCH BOX FILLED WITH CEMENT?! HUH?!" Dark Pit jumped onto the desk and aimed a finger at the floating hand. Crazy, however, only perked up and turned to the iron box.
"Cement? Oh yeah, that's mine! Why did you say it was filled with lunch? Everybody knows that my lunch box is filled with cement so I can't stuff Princess Peach in it and kidnap her up here! At least, that's what my bro said anyway. I can't believe I left my box!" He picked it up and spun it on one finger while Pittoo simply crossed his arms.
"I'm not even going to try to understand the logic of bringing the box, but why do you need an empty one to kidnap Peach? Just grab her and float her away like Bowser does." he huffed.
"Oh, that's a great idea Dark Pit! If I knew you were this resourceful, then I would have hired you as a receptionist for this office!" the box continued to spin faster and faster. The angel hopped down from the desk and walked towards the door.
"I think I'd rather die, thanks. Enjoy your lunch I guess-" As his hand reached for the door knob, a bolt of electricity nearly struck him. He jumped and turned around to see Crazy pointing directly at him.
"Now now little one, don't forget that you're in big trouble! Didn't you read that sign on the teleportal? You're only supposed to be here in case of an extreme emergency! Me forgetting my lunch box is hardly an emergency!" his voice boomed in the small office.
"W-well I agree, but Jill specified that this was an extreme emergency!" his eyes darted between the heavy box and the pointing hand. "Wouldn't it be bad if a, uh, hard working hand like yourself didn't have it's lunch?"
"Of course! If I noticed that I didn't have my lunch box, it would have been an extremely urgent emergency!" Dark Pit let himself feel relieved. "But I never noticed that it was missing, therefore, there was no emergency. Now you have interrupted me while I'm sooooo busy at work!"
"What? You weren't even doing anything when I walked in! How are you bu-what in the world?!" The boy noticed a large amount of mail stacked on Crazy's desk that wasn't there before. "Huh…I guess you do have quite a bit of work to do, so…I'll just be on my…way…" The sound of a *SNAP* filled the air followed by the crackle of electricity.
Silence filled the air before a crisp Dark Pit softly closed the door and collapsed on the ground.
Hey! Thanks for making it this far! There's still quite a bit in store for that dark-haired angel, so be sure to return in about a month's time to get the thrilling conclusion! Or something like that.
For any complaints, please direct them to my sister since this is her birthday gift. I OBVIOUSLY would never write about Dark Pit normally since I'm so cool and awesome and handsome and strong and popular and knowledgeable...
All feedback is noted and appreciated. 'Til next time.