Peering over thick and circular black frames, Dr. Herne takes in the group seated before her with obvious confusion.
Of course she does.
She's a couple's therapist.
This is couples therapy.
And the four of them are definitely not a couple.
"Let me get this straight. Meredith's in love with Addison, but she's also in love with Derek. Derek and Addison got divorced eight months ago but are still sleeping together and Mark's sleeping with Meredith, but sometimes you switch it up and Meredith lives with Derek in his trailer while Addison and Mark stay at a hotel. Unless it's Addison and Meredith's turn to live together, in which case they stay at Meredith's house. And this... works for all of you?"
"Yes," they say in unison.
"Okay…" Dr. Herne exhales heavily. "Okay. Er…" Her hands are in her lap; she begins to fidget with the velvet material of her skirt. "And this has been going on for how long?"
Derek looks dubiously between Meredith and Addison. "Six months? Seven?" he guesses.
"Six," Addison confirms.
"Six months," Derek tells the therapist.
"Great. Thank you for uh… the information." Dr. Herne's forehead wrinkles.
"We understand that you probably don't see cases like this all that often," Meredith supplies. She herself stopped trying to make sense of the whole thing months ago. Maybe she could see the end of the line when she got herself into this mess. Meredith can't remember. All she knows is that somewhere between November and now, the end of the line became multiple endings with multiple lines that all got tangled and messy and complicated and… Ugh.
The corners of Dr. Herne's mouth turn upward. "No, I can't say that I do. Forgive me if it takes me a while to process."
"Look Doc, we don't have all day, so if you aren't prepared to do your job and sort this out for us then why don't you let us know now so we can find someone who will."
"Mark," Addison warns.
"What? That's her job, isn't it? To sort out couple stuff?"
"Yes but you four aren't really a couple, are you?" Dr. Herne points out. "None of my classes ever touched on quads. Not at med school, anyway," she adds with a faraway look that passes as quickly as it arrives.
Derek sighs. "No, the four of us aren't a couple. But between us we make up about five, and since you happen to be the second highest-paid couple's therapist in Seattle we figured we might as well give it a shot."
"Stupid Mary Mendelson always showing me up," Dr. Herne mutters, glancing at the ceiling. Her gaze returns to Derek's face, then Mark's, then Addison's, and finally settles on Meredith's. "Fine," she says. "I'll help. But technically, this isn't in my job description. I'm doing this out of the goodness of my heart. And because he's cute."
She gestures to Mark.
Derek, Meredith, and Addison regard her with the same disgusted expression.
"Nice," Mark says with a grin.
Dr. Herne sits back in her chair and looks at the four of them—an ex-husband, his ex-wife, his not-so-reformed man whore best friend, and the blonde woman who's fucking them all.
What a motley crew.
"You may begin…" she says, dragging out the words so she has time to switch on her tape recorder, "Now."