Harry barely got any sleep that night. Between the excitement of Seamus arriving that morning, the anxiety of telling him what he had done, and the prospect of having to go through the healing process once more was giving him an actual stomachache. It was still very dark when Harry awoke. He was afraid to move from his bed, afraid to be alone outside of his bedroom. What if he couldn't control himself again? What if be blacked out and the urge took over, like it did in the shower? Harry laid there, staring up at the ceiling, his thoughts racing, one after the other. After a while, Harry could feel his eyes starting to get heavy, and he fell into an uneasy sleep once more.
"He's going to be here any minute!" Harry felt much better after he fell asleep for the second time. The thought of his boyfriend coming to stay with him for the last few days of break was the only thing getting him through the morning. Harry ran down the stairs as quietly as he could, as to not wake the portrait of Sirius' mother. Sirius, Ron, and Hermione were already waiting in the hallway, awaiting their guest.
"How did Seamus get to King's Cross again?" Ron asked, watching is best friend giddy with excitement.
"There's an international Floo network system that connects Dublin to London, specifically for Hogwarts students. So he didn't have to take a plane this time." Harry explained, keeping an eye on the door.
"Truly fascinating," Sirius said, also smiling at his godson.
The doorknob started to turn just then, and in walked Lupin, followed by Seamus. It took everything in Harry not to squeal with delight. Seamus barely made it through the door before Harry threw himself onto his boyfriend. Seamus chuckled as he caught Harry and gave him a tight squeeze. Harry's throat started to constrict as he felt the emotions build up, and pulled away, not wanting to break down in front of Sirius and Lupin.
"Seamus, welcome!" Sirius held out a hand to Seamus, who took it. "It's a pleasure to meet you. I've heard nothing but wonderful things."
"It's a pleasure to meet you, too. Thank you for having me here, it was very kind of you." Seamus said.
"Any friend of Harry's is welcomed. Speaking of which, Harry," Sirius turned to him, "why don't you show Seamus where he will be staying, and we can get started on some lunch?"
Harry nodded and took Seamus' hand into his own. He grabbed Seamus' bag with the other and they started making their way up the stairs. But as soon as Lupin and Sirius were out of eyesight, Ron swooped in and grabbed the suitcase.
"I'll take this upstairs; you go talk to Seamus." Ron whispered, giving Harry a look. Seamus watched Ron and Hermione in confusion as they made their way upstairs with his things. He turned to Harry.
"What was that about?" Seamus asked. Harry opened his mouth, but didn't know what to say, so closed it. He didn't want to say anything right away…Seamus just got there after all…Harry gulped as Seamus raised his eyebrows, watching him expectantly.
Harry gripped Seamus' hand tightly and steered him upstairs to the drawing room. He closed the door behind him. Seamus was watching him closely. Harry took another deep breath and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, savoring the closeness. Seamus kissed the top of Harry's head before pulling him away, looking at him at arm's length.
"What do you need to talk to me about?" Seamus asked.
Again, Harry couldn't find the courage to tell him. He looked around the room before his eyes fell on the drawing. He took Seamus' hand and guided him towards the easel. "I made you something special – part two of your Christmas present."
Harry flipped the drawing around: Seamus gasped in surprise. "Harry, babe – it's amazing!" Seamus gently took the canvas off the easel and carefully held it in his hands; His eyes roved over the beautiful details, the colors….he was truly impressed by Harry's growing ability.
"Do you like it?" Harry asked, watching Seamus.
"Of course I do!" Seamus said. He looked at Harry…he could tell there was something off about him. Seamus carefully put the drawing down and took Harry's hands into his own. He gazed into Harry's green eyes, searching. "This wasn't what you wanted to tell me, Harry, was it?"
Harry sighed, closed his eyes, and shook his head. He knew Seamus could see right through him. Seamus moved his hands up to Harry's face, rubbing his cheeks with his thumbs. "What is it, Harry?"
Harry looked into Seamus' eyes, his own sparkling with the tears he could no longer keep in. Without saying anything, he reached down to the sleeve on his left wrist and pulled it up, revealing the fresh cut. Seamus looked down: Harry closed his eyes, not being able to bear seeing the look on his boyfriend's face.
"Baby," Seamus pulled Harry into a hug and Harry broke down.
"Seamus seems to be a very nice boy," Sirius was saying as he and Lupin were coming up the stairs.
"He is. I think he and Harry are the perfect match," Lupin agreed. The continued up to the second floor, when Lupin suddenly stopped. He held out his hand, causing Sirius to nearly stumble over. "Do you hear that?"
Sirius concentrated, listening. There was a muffled sound coming from the drawing room. As they cautiously approached the second floor, they realized the muffled sound was someone crying. The two exchanged looks before they ran up the stairs and rushed into the room. Harry was crying hysterically into Seamus's shoulders.
Sirius and Lupin ran up to Harry, startled. "Harry! What's going on?" Sirius asked, concerned. Harry just shook his head, not able to talk.
"Seamus, what happened?" Lupin asked.
"I don't know – I just asked him that myself and he started crying," Seamus said, rubbing Harry's back.
Sirius reached out and gently put his hands on Harry's shoulders, pulling him off Seamus. He brought him to the couch and sat him down. Lupin and Seamus followed, sitting on either side of Harry, while Sirius knelt in front of Harry.
"Harry….what's going on?" Sirius asked gently. Seamus reached out and put his arm around Harry's waist.
It took Harry several minutes of deep breathing before he could speak. "The other day….I…I overheard your conversation with Mrs. Weasley…."
Both Lupin and Sirius exchanged wide-eyed glances. "Oh Harry – Harry, I'm so sorry –"
"What conversation?" Seamus asked, looking between the two.
"Mrs. Weasley called me a f-freak!" Harry choked, his breath becoming shallow once more.
"What?!" Seamus asked, taken back.
"S-she said it wasn't natural, me and you being t-together— " Harry said, furiously rubbing his eyes.
"She said that?" Seamus looked at the two men, who kept throwing glances at each other.
"Yes…yes she did say that," Lupin said. "But when she said freak Harry –"
"I know she wasn't calling me a freak because of our relationship," Harry said through shaky breaths. "That's not why I'm upset…"
"Then…why are you upset?" Sirius asked, watching his godson curiously.
Harry hesitated, not sure how to fully explain himself. He felt his lip quivering once more. "I've already lost one mother…I didn't think I would lose another!" And Harry completely broke down once more.
Seamus' breath caught in his throat as he grabbed hold of Harry and hugged him tightly. He looked at Sirius and Lupin in desperation. Sirius jumped up, a mad look in his eyes, but Lupin, who also stood up, grabbed his shoulder.
"You stay here. I'll go talk to Molly." Lupin left the room, leaving Sirius and the two boys.
"Harry…" Sirius took Lupin's empty seat. "I'm sorry you heard what you did – but I hope you know we don't all feel the way Mrs. Weasley does…"
Harry nodded, his face still buried in Seamus' chest. Seamus looked down and noticed Harry rubbing his injured wrist and it suddenly made sense. He looked up at Sirius – they made eye contact. Seamus gently pulled Harry away from him; he put his hands on Harry's face once more.
"Can you tell Sirius?" Seamus asked, glancing quickly down at Harry's wrist. Harry knew he didn't want to say anything without his consent. Harry turned to Sirius, who looked confused, but sympathetic.
"You can tell me anything, Harry." Sirius said gently. "And anything you say will stay between us if you wish it."
Harry nodded. He swallowed hard, reaching up and unzipping his sweater. Taking off the zip up, Harry revealed his heavily scarred arms to Sirius. Sirius' eyes grew wide as he inhaled sharply. He reached out for Harry's arms, and gently ran his hand down Harry's jagged skin, stopping at the fresh cuts on his wrist.
Sirius said nothing, but instead pulled Harry into a fatherly hug. Harry felt completely exhausted as the last of his tears fell into Sirius' shirt. "I'm sorry," Harry whispered once more.
"No Harry, there's no need to be sorry," Sirius said, pulling him away. Harry could see a look of sadness in his eyes that he had never seen before. "You didn't do anything wrong…"
"I told you this was a possibility, Harry," Seamus said, placing his hand on Harry's leg. "That relapses happen. But Sirius is right, you didn't do anything wrong."
"I was doing so good though…" Harry said miserably.
"And you're going to continue doing good. Harry, don't let Mrs. Weasley be the reason you start up again."
"Remus is talking to Mrs. Weasley now – and I'm sure he is talking sense into her." Sirius said reassuringly. Harry just nodded, resting his head on Seamus' shoulder.
"Ah, Remus! Where the others? Their lunch is going to get cold." Mrs. Weasley asked, starting to serve everyone. "Something the matter?"
Lupin walked in looking angry, something Ron and Hermione had never seen before. "Before we eat, I need everyone to clear out for a few minutes. I need to speak to your mother."
The Weasley kids and Hermione exchanged nervous glances, but didn't say anything as they stood up and left the kitchen: Mr. and Mrs. Weasley looked at each other puzzled. "What's going on, Remus?"
Remus took a deep breath, trying to calm his anger. "Harry is upstairs completely devastated, crying hysterically –"
"Oh my! What happened –" Mrs. Weasley started, but Lupin raised his hand to silence her.
"He heard our conversation the other day. The one where you called him a freak and unnatural."
"Molly!" Mr. Weasley looked at his wife in surprise.
"I didn't mean he was a freak! I said – " again, Lupin silenced her.
"Whatever you think you said doesn't matter. Harry heard everything regardless. And what's worse Molly…I don't think you realize just how much Harry cares about you. How much he regards you as a parent."
"Harry knows I've always thought of him as my own," Mrs. Weasley said, slightly defensive.
"But now he thinks he's lost two mothers," Lupin said, a sadness in his voice. Mrs. Weasley looked taken aback. "You've completely devastated him, Molly. He thinks you hate him."
"I don't hate him! I could never hate him!" Mrs. Weasley sounded tearful.
"That's not how Harry sees it. Harry has already gone through so much already, the last thing he needs is for someone he cares about hurting him."
The door opened just then, and Sirius walked in. "How's Harry doing?" Lupin asked.
"He's a little better. Thankfully Seamus is here to help." Sirius said. He stood by Lupin, looking slightly anxious. Lupin looked at him questioningly. "There's something I think you two ought to know." Sirius nodded towards Mr. and Mrs. Weasley. "Harry gave me permission to tell you so listen closely and don't interrupt."
The three adults nodded their heads. Lupin took a seat curiously. Sirius continued: "Over the summer, Harry practiced self-harming. His arms are completely covered in scars."
Mr. and Mrs. Weasley gasped – Lupin put his face in his hand, sighing.
"He hadn't done it for three months. With the help of Seamus. But after that conversation, Molly…he started again. He felt so hurt, so betrayed….he felt he deserved to feel that pain."
There was a shocked silence. Lupin and Sirius exchanged looks. No one knew what to say.
Seamus and Harry just sat on the couch in the drawing room, holding each other. Harry was still in disbelief over what he did. But Seamus was right: He got through it before, and he will get through it again. Harry sighed.
"What are you thinking?" Seamus asked, rubbing the back of Harry's head.
"Starting over."
"You know healing isn't linear."
"I know." Harry paused. "Shay?"
"Hmm?"
"I'm sorry – this isn't how I wanted your stay to start."
"Honestly Harry, I would rather you have told me now then finding out later." Seamus gently pulled Harry away, to get a better look at him. Harry looked exhausted, his eyes still slightly red. Seamus gave him a kind smile. "You told Ron and Hermione after you did it?"
Harry nodded. "I didn't tell them why, though. I was still trying to process what I heard myself."
Seamus smiled. "I am so proud of you, Harry. I don't think I can tell you that enough."
Harry swallowed hard, wanting to ask a question he wasn't sure he wanted to hear the answer to. He took Seamus' hand and stared down at his lap. "Shay….you would tell me if I was…if I was being too much, right?"
"Harry," Seamus chucked. Harry looked up to find him playfully rolling his eyes. "You're never too much. You're worth every effort I put into you. Every hour I spend with you, whether we're having a good time or I'm helping you discover your worth…Harry…I love you."
Harry's breath caught in his throat. He could feel all the emotion rising in him. He could feel his lip quivering through his smile. He leaned forward and kissed Seamus, putting all his unsaid thoughts and feelings into it. Seamus grabbed the back of Harry's head, pulling him in closer, deepening the kiss.
"I love you too….so much," Harry said between each kiss. He felt Seamus smile – he smiled back, and they stopped kissing, giggling for a moment. There was a sudden knock on the door. They pulled apart and watched as the door opened and in walked Mrs. Weasley. Harry's heart dropped and he looked away, his heart starting to beat uncomfortably. Seamus squeezed him tightly, letting him know, without words, that he wasn't going to leave him. Mrs. Weasley glanced down at Harry's exposed arms, and her face fell further.
"Harry…sweetheart…I am so so sorry…" Mrs. Weasley said tearfully. She made to move closer to him, but Harry shrunk back into Seamus, averting his eyes. Mrs. Weasley paused and nodded. "Harry, I know you're upset with me, and I don't blame you for it. What I said was completely unacceptable. I know there's nothing wrong with you, and there's nothing abnormal about being with another boy. This is not something I have experienced before – but I know that's not an excuse. I want to learn more and to better understand so I can be there for you."
Harry could feel his eyes watering but kept the tears at bay. He looked up at Mrs. Weasley; she also had tears in her eyes.
"I'm sorry you felt you could no longer see me as a mother. But I love you so much, Harry. You will always be a son to me, and I hope one day you can forgive me for the horrible things I said." She turned her attention to Seamus. "Seamus, dear. This was not how I wanted us to meet. I'm sorry this is how your visit started, but I want you to know how very happy we are that you're in Harry's life. Sirius told us how much you have helped him these past few months, and we are forever grateful for it. It has not been an easy road for Harry, and for him to have someone like you help him and being there for him….well, that's more than a mother could hope for."
There was a pregnant pause. Harry looked between Mrs. Weasley and Seamus, not knowing what to say. After a moment, Mrs. Weasley stood and turned to the door. Without really thinking on it, Harry jumped and ran after her. When Mrs. Weasley turned at the sound of Harry's steps, Harry threw his arms around her, embracing her in a hug.
"I love you too, Mrs. Weasley," Harry said, squeezing her tightly.
Tears streamed down Mrs. Weasley's face as she squeezed back. "I am so so sorry, Harry, dear! What you must think of me." She pulled away from Harry and looked him deep in the eyes. "I promise to be a better mother to you. The last thing I want to do is hurt you in any way."
Harry nodded his head; He didn't quite forgive her for what she said, but he recognized the effort in her apology, and knew she was true to her word. Mrs. Weasley wiped her eyes on her apron, trying to gain her composure. "Well, I better go and finish serving lunch. I would love for you two to join us. But I can understand if you need more time." And with that, she left the room.
Seamus came up from behind Harry and took his hand. They smiled at each other. "Do you feel better now?" Seamus asked.
"Much." Harry sighed.
"Do you want to go down to lunch? Or –"
"Food sounds really good right about now." The two boys laughed and followed Mrs. Weasley out.