The Simpsons go to Texas The family take Grampa to a cowboy town in Texas. Meanwhile The Rich Texan discovers oil on Native land and wants it. Then Bart discovers a real life cowboy but he has a drinking problem...
Plot
The Simpsons are driving to a Texas inspired ghost town. Or actually Texas. Who cares.
"It says this year there's 30% more gun fights!" said Bart.
"And forty percent more rooting tooting!" said Marge.
"And more tumbleweeds at the end of bad jokes!" said Lisa.
Hugo growled and jabbered.
"This was a lovely idea of your father's! Three cheers for your dad!" said Marge
"Hip, hip-" Marge said about to cheer hooray.
"No, mom." said Lisa.
"Hip, hip." said Marge.
"Mom, we already said no!" said Bart.
"Hip, hip..." said Marge.
"Lady, I'm driving here!" said Homer. "And why did you make me take the freak?"
Oscar kicked the back of Homer's chair.
"Ow!" Homer whined.
Hugo high fived Oscar,
There was a beeping noise.
"Dad the engine sign is beeping!" said Lisa.
"Oh the sticker fell off!" Homer stuck a black sticker over it. "There."
"Dad maybe you should stop at a garage and check out the engine..." said Lisa.
"It's fine..." said Homer.
The engine broke down and smoked.
"D'oh!" Homer groaned. The family were dismayed. "Now don't worry! This just needs some loving... Start you stupid car!" Homer yelled as he tried to make the car start.
He gasped when he saw they had broke down at the old folks home of all places.
"Ooooh! They remembered my birthday!" said Grampa wearing a birthday hat. He got up and walked like a zombie towards Homer's pink sedan.
"Start, damn it! Start!" Homer panicked like they were in a horror movie trying to get away from a monster.
The old people moaned and pressed against the windows of Homer's car like zombies! There was Grampa wanting to come in. Jasper curious and the lady in a wheelchair Homer mistook for Marge's mother.
"Can I come too?" The sweet old lady asked.
"Aaaaaaagh! Zombies!" Oscar yelled.
"Oscar they're not zombies!" Marge explained. "They're just very lonely old people."
"Braaaaaaaiiiiiins!" Crazy old Jewish man groaned.
...
The Simpsons take Grampa to Texas with them. They arrive at a town designed to resemble an old fashioned shoot out town with saloons from the cowboy years.
"Two hours?! Why did they build this ghost town so far away..." Homer whined.
"Because that's where they discovered gold." Lisa explained.
"Well I say people are stupid!" said Homer.
They eventually arrived at Bloodbath Gulch.
"Cooooool! Blood!" said Bart as they pulled up.
They got out and lined up with the other tourists as a guide told them about the town's history.
"This is educational kids so I want you all to pay attention!" said Marge.
Bart groaned.
Lisa smiled, delighted by education.
"Bloodbath Gulch was founded by prostitutes. Blah blah blah prostitution, prostitutes, Pimps, Whore..." He used the word prostitutes a lot.
"Hmmmmmmm!" Marge grumbled annoyed.
"Now let's go see the whore house, the cat house, some brothels before finally stopping at the missionary." said the guide.
"Phew! What a relief!" Marge sighed.
"Lots of prostitutes there!" said the guide.
"Ooooooohhhhh!" Marge groaned annoyed.
"Mmmmm... whores..." said Oscar.
Marge frowned at him.
Meanwhile at the Simpsons house.
Monkey (from Monkey Hero on the PlayStation) lounged in front of the TV, watching the 2001 reboot of Planet of the Apes with a tear in his eye. He was crying not because he was moved by the show, but because he was bored to tears.
He sighed and flicked through the channels. I don't blame him. That remake was terrible. Apart from the ape sex scene.
There was a creepy CGI guy singing "I like crackers and snacks! Crackers and snacks! Crackers and snacks!"
He changed the channel while yawning bored. There was now a program on where Abraham Lincoln has a flamethrower and is torching everyone.
(Screaming)
"Booooooring!" Monkey from Monkey Hero sighed.
Then Krusty was om. He was on the phone to someone desperate about something.
"I mean, Lester's a chick name? Right? Right?"
...
They then go into a bar with animatronics.
"Wow! I've never seen so many robot cowboys before! Except for that video game about robot cowboys." said Bart looking at all the animatronics.
"Hey robot! Get your metal ass over here!" Homer yelled at the bar tender thinking he was a robot.
"Shut the hell up!" Bender shouted at him while drinking beer.
"Bender..." Bart sighed.
The bar tender came over. "First up I am not a robot. Secondly I have a metal ass because of an injury I sustained during Nam fighting for lazy chumps like you!" said the bar tender.
"You should ask him to bite it!" Bender yelled.
"Bender you're not even in this cartoon!" Bart groaned.
"What will it be partner?" The bar tender asked.
"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven whiskeys, please." Homer asked. He counted everyone's heads, even the kids. Yes he was gonna give the kids alcohol...
"Alright!" Bart cheered.
"Hmmmmmm..." Marge grumbled.
"We don't sell alcohol here." The bartender explained. "Only sarsaparilla."
"Do'h!" Homer groaned.
"Homer you can get drunk when you get home." said Marge.
"But the kids want to drink as well..." said Homer.
Marge sighed.
Homer then got bored by the animatronics of patrons gambling during the cowboys era. He punched one.
"You sir have made your last draw." said the animatronic as they all got up and started shooting each other.
Homer screamed and hid under a table.
"Ay carumba!" Bart yelled.
Hugo hissed and hid under a table.
Marge sighed. "What is it with you and robots?"
Bart found an animatronic piano player had a coin slot in his head. He put a quarter in the robot,
Then can can dancer animatronics appeared on stage and did a rude dance that involved mooning the audience.
However they were falling apart and legs and heads flew everywhere.
A robot's butt cheek landed on the table where Grampa was sitting. "Ooooh! Hello sweet cheeks!" He groped the butt cheek.
A robot hand flew past slapping him.
Bart Narrating: "Anyone notice how weird that just was?! Grampa being perverted?!
Oscar narrating: "Uh yeah..."
...
Meanwhile Rich Texan arrived in his office wearing his cultist robes from attending another meeting with the Springfield Republican Party. He took off his robe and put his hat on before going off to dig for gold.
However while digging for gold he struck oil! Oil squirted out of the ground.
"Oil! That's black gold! Yeehaw!" Rich Texan fired his guns in the air.
He then got his employees to build an oil tower over it to collect oil to sell.
In town there was a mock shoot out between bandits/cowboys as they approached each other menacingly.
"Oh no folks a shoot out! We better hide!" said the guide.
Suddenly Grampa ran out dressed as a very slutty can can dancer in netted tights and a can can skirt etc.
"Wait boys., don't fight over me! You can both marry me!" said lady Abe.
The cowboys settled their differences and cheered.
The Simpsons face palmed at Grampa's antics.
Then this...
"Look there on the roof! A prostitute!" said one of the cowboy actors acting out a scene.
A bandit shot the prostitute. She fell and landed in a barrel of water butt first.
"Got her!" Homer cheered.
The actor playing the role of a bandit rolled his eyes.
There was a show with blank fire arms of guys shooting one another. The tourists and the guide stood bored.
"I'm bored. I want to go to the brothel and get myself some 19th century hookers." said Oscar.
"Oscar..." Marge said annoyed at his rude language.
Then a drunk guy appeared stumbling about slurring his speech.
"Ohohoho! Folks that's just old Curly. He used to play the town preacher but we had to lay him off." said the tourist.
Curly stumbled drunkenly towards the crowd. They were concerned by his drunkenness except for Homer who thought he was hilarious.
"Help me! You've gotta help me..." said Curly inebriated on strong alcohol somehow. He stumbled over.
Homer laughed.
"Homer! That's not funny!" Marge scolded him.
"What? He's drunk! That's hilarious!" said Homer. Curly fell head first into a water trough and drowned.
"Shouldn't somebody help him?" Lisa asked.
"Nope." said Bart.
...
The Simpsons hung about after the show and the former guide drowning himself as paramedics put him in a corpse bag and took him away. The went past some shops.
Suddenly there was a boy greatly resembling Bart wearing a cowboy hat and a blue and white striped shirt, shorts, a red neckerchief and cowboy boots. He was dancing with a lasso and performing tricks.
"Ay carumba!" Bart gasped.
"D'oh!" Homer groaned.
"Nice going Dumb Dumb..." said Ozmodiar, the Great Gazoo parody.
Hank hijacked the story and wrote that...
Then there was more insanity. Clint Eastwood was there as The Man With No Name.
"Got the time old man?" He asked some old guy.
Terrible church organ music rang out.
The Simpsons and Oscar react as if they're in horrible pain as they cover their ears.
Then Homer was angry that Whoopi Goldberg might be hosting the Oscars. For some reason.
"Hey! Whoopi is a very funny woman!" Oscar yelled annoyed.
"Oz what on Earth does Whoopi Goldberg have to do with a western based story with cowboys and rootin tootin..." Bart sighed.
"Whoopi can be in a western, can't she?" Oscar replied.
Bart sighed.
Then Fievel camoe'd. "I know! We all go west to Texas and do a cowboy themed sequel!"
A cat ate him.
"Ugh... tuna..." said Fievel from inside the cat.
Bart rolled his eyes.
Then cousin Hank was going on and on about Ren and Stimpy.
Oscar sighed.
"Shut up freak!" Hank snapped at him.
"Kink shamer..." said Oscar.
Plot 2
Marge remarked how filthy the town was. And I don't mean the prostitutes...
"I never realised a town could be so filthy!" said Marge looking around.
"Yeah isn't it delightful?" said Crud, the cartoon slime monster from Winnie the Pooh.
The Simpsons grimaced exasperated.
"Mmmmm! This is some good sarsaparilla. Can't get this back at home. Angries up the blood apparently." said Grampa drinking sarsaparilla.
"Hmmmmm... I feel this rootin tootin cowboy lark could be fun..." Bart said to himself as he gets interested in all things cowboy this episode.
"Nah their clothes are so lame... Ninjas are cooler!" said Oscar.
Bart rolled his eyes.
Then one of the fans thought Oscar was from Yorkshire.
Oscar winced. "Yorkshire?! I'm from London! Well Greater London... Ugh... Kent."
Anyway as well as Cowboys there's Natives in this episode too.
The Natives were furious because Rich Texan was building on sacred land.
They were also those weird natives that kidnapped the Lost Boys and the Darling children, that's their surname don't snicker..., while they were going about the wilderness singing "Follow the leader! The leader! The leader."
Anyway John's idea of singing lame songs was lame. Then an orangutan took his top hat.
Then he poked a sleeping bear on his big wet shiny black nose with his umbrella. This woke up and annoyed the bear.
A bear roars.
"Oh nice going Fred Astaire!" Slightly who was dressed as a fox, groaned. Fred Astaire danced on the ceiling before Lionel Richie made it cool and often wore a top hat.
The annoyed bear then calmed down and sniffed Michael's pink feety pajamas. He's like five or something and he wears feeties still?!
Micheal winced and wet his diaper as he was being sniffed by the bear's big wet shiny black nose.
Anyway the Natives then got them despite that I wanted them to have to deal with the big shiny nosed bear!
...
The tour soon drew to a close. The Simpsons book into one of the saloons first the night.
"Yeah Lance, where's the nearest liquor store?" Homer asked the tour guide.
"Sir no alcohol on the premises..." said the guide.
"Feh! Some vacation this turned out to be..." Homer sighed.
Meanwhile Monkey from Monkey Hero was looking after the house. This involved watching trashy Spanish soap operas all day and ordering take out food.
The Simpsons passed onto Rich Texan's construction site. He didn't mind as long as they didn't interrupt the workers.
However his grandson Avery made bedroom eyes at Oscar.
"Ooooooooh! Hello sailor! uh uh... blue is not your colour darling..." said Avery Texan, who is apparently extremely homosexual.
Homer screamed.
"Uh blue is so my colour!" Oscar retorted, tugging at his blue sweater with green triangles.
"Oscar, how are you not over heating in that?! It's 95 degrees!" said Hugo.
Oscar shrugged his shoulders.
Native Americans arrived.
"Injuns?! What are you doing here?!" Rich Texan yelled.
"Mr Rich Texan! That's very offensive! They're Native Americans!" Lisa whined.
"That's my Sister, Lisa..." Bart sighed.
"And this is our land! Please don't build here!" said the Native chief.
"I'll build where a I want!" said the Rich Texan. "Now clear off!"
"Very well. This means war!" said the Native chief. The Natives left on horse back.
Lisa sighed.
...
The Simpsons went to a carnival mirror house and Homer laughed at his funny reflections. Suddenly there was a ruckus outside.
The Natives invaded and smashed everything up and burnt everything up with fire arrows and torches.
"Oh my!" Marge gasped.
"Well, they did warn him..." Lisa sighed.
They then got captured by the natives.
Micheal and John Darling from Disney's Peter Pan had been caught too.
Bart winced.
However the natives promised to let them go if they helped get the Rich Texan off of their land.
"Normally I wouldn't help with Lisa's environmental schemes, but dressing up as a tribesman would be cool!" said Bart. He quickly got into his role as a native warrior wearing face paint and wielding a bow with flaming arrows. The rest of the family were less enthusiastic about helping directly in combat.
The Simpsons and the natives chased the Rich Texan off of his ill gotten oil rig. The towers were shut down and and the oil clean up.
"I'll have my revenge you varmints!" yelled the Rich Texan as he galloped away on horseback.
The Simpsons celebrated with their new friends before going to their hotel.
...
Meanwhile the Springfield Republican Party once again swore revenge against the meddling Simpsons.
"Them blasted Simpsons!" said Rich Texan ranting.
...
Bart was up one day going about town as it was being rebuilt when he came across an elderly cowboy. Or at least he thought they were.
"Cooool! Are you a cowboy?" Bart asked eagerly.
"Why of course I am!" said the cowboy. "Buck McCoy's the name."
"You're Buck McCoy?!" Bart gasped. He had heard of Buck vaguely from cowboy films Grampa used to watch with him when they were younger.
"The one and only. Let me show you around" Buck showed Bart around his homestead. A horse was vacuum cleaning.
"Is that horse vacuum cleaning?!" Bart asked.
"If you can call it that." said Buck. He introduced the horse. He was Buck's stead. They worked together on films. Buck listed some of the awards the horse got.
"This my steed, Frank the wonder horse, he was in 24 of my films." said Buck McCoy.
The horse tapped his hooves and snorted to remind Buck of an award he had got.
"And he directed one..."
Frank snorted.
"And he got the 'film by' credit..." said Buck.
Frank whinnied.
"And an Equestrian for best in show..." said Buck.
Oscar was humming the tune of Quick Draw McGraw and drawing a picture of him.
"Well, I have to get home but I'll see you tomorrow." said Bart.
...
Bart spent all of dinner talking about Buck McCoy.
"Buck McCoy?!" Grampa gasped.
"You know Buck McCoy Grampa?" Lisa asked.
"(Sound of disbelief) Of course! Bart used to watch his films with me when he was just a nipper!" said Grampa.
"He lives nearby. I can take you to see him Gramps." said Bart.
"Hot diggity!" said Grampa.
"Just remember our holiday is ending soon. You kids have to get back to school!" said Marge.
"Yes Mom..." said the kids.
"Well I met my hero today. She discovered the first-" said Lisa.
"Buck McCoy! Now that takes me back..." said Grampa interrupting as he went on about Buck McCoy.
"Hey!" Lisa whined.
...
The Simpsons eventually had to say goodbye to Blood Gulch and drove home. However Grampa drank too much sarsaparilla and really needed the bathroom. But Homer being mean wouldn't stop for him and demanded he hold himself so his kidneys exploded. And he was perfectly fine somehow but needing a transplant. Needing a transplant but not immediately falling gravely ill or dying from exploding kidneys... thanks yet again for fucking with human anatomy Matt...
"Shut up!" Matt snapped.
"Homer stop so Grampa can go to the toilet!" Marge snapped.
Homer whined and stopped the car. "It better not be a pay toilet..." Homer groaned as they waited at a gas station while Abe hobbled off to the men's room.
"Oscar you better go too." said Marge.
"I'm already going. In my diaper..." Oscar made a relived face as he peed his diaper.
"Eeeeeew!" Bart groaned.
Grampa soon returned and they drove home without dealing with exploded kidneys or the ship of lost souls! Woooooooooo!
...
Bart invited Milhouse to see Buck as well. No I have no idea how he singlehandedly flew to Texas. He just did.
Bart, Milhouse and Grampa Simpson went to see Buck. Buck regaled tales of his life as a cowboy.
"Anyhoo. Who wants snacks?" Buck asked. He used his lasso to fetch a bottle of cola and a bag of chips.
"Cooool!" said Bart.
"The art of the lasso is one of a cowboy's finest tricks son." said Buck proudly.
"Can you lasso a banana?!" Milhouse asked.
"Now why would I do a thing like that?! It's impossible anyway!" Buck found Milhouse's request ridiculous.
Bart face palmed and shook his head. "Milhouse... Just... Don't ask anymore questions..." Bart was exasperated by his stupid questions.
...
Unfortunately Bart and Milhouse had to go home. But getting across the states was easy for the Simpsons so this wasn't a problem.
The next day at school. Bart turned up at school dressed as a cowboy.
His friends gasped. Ralph was playing on a tiny white piano.
Bart talked like a cowboy. "I was a-thinking this could be a new fad!"
"What about Hawaiian shirts?" asked Martin. Bart used his lasso to take Martin's Hawaiian shirt from him.
My toon Quiffy was in the background pulling a disappointed face. Hawaiian shirts are never gonna be a thing...
"Quiffy stop frowning..." Bart sighed.
"Haw! Haw!" Nelson laughed. "You look like such a gay dork!"
"Well I am Fuh-lamiiiiiiiing!" said Avery Texan being camp.
Hugo sweat dropped.
"No way! I met Buck McCoy on holiday and as the popular kid I decided Cowboys is a fad this month!" Bart retorted.
"Bart, you were never in the popular clique... You're the class clown and prankster. We just like you for your hijinks." Nelson explained. "Dressing up is for kindergarteners. Not fourth graders..."
Bart made a sad groan and went off to get changed into his regular clothes.
...
Bart was sad at dinner.
"You've barely touched your pizza. What's wrong?" Marge asked.
"No one at school thinks cowboys are cool! They won't even let me start a new fad!" Bart was upset.
Marge comforted him.
The following evening she had a surprise for Bart. Buck McCoy came round for dinner. They had Texas food. I.e. Refried beans and chicken fried everything. Lisa had something vegetarian, like a black bean burger and a coconut-meat taco topped with cashew sour cream, avocado, and sunflower-walnut chorizo.
Bart showed Buck to his friends. However Nelson was still not impressed.
"What if he made a cameo on the Krusty the Clown show?" Bart asked. "Krusty owes me a favor so I can get Buck on there."
"Only if you allow plasma rifles." said Nelson.
"Nelson we've gone over this! Cybernetic super soldiers from the future is not a viable option when playing cowboys and Indians!" Bart groaned.
Nelson frowned at him.
"Fine..." Bart sighed.
Plot 3
Bart went to see Krusty with Buck McCoy.
"Hey Krusty about that favour you owe me for your bedside lamp burning me..." Bart asked.
"Wow! Buck McCoy!" Krusty was very excited to see Buck.
"Yeah... Can he be on your show?" Bart asked.
"Sure! Why not?" Krusty replied.
The Krusty the Clown show set up a scene where Sideshow Mel played a Snidely Whiplash style villain twiddling his moustache and tying Mr Teeny to some train tracks as a maiden. Mr Teeny was wearing a dress and a wig.
"We don't take kindly to transvestite chimpanzees here in pine corners!" Mel read his lines.
Lisa seethed offended.
Part of the sketch had Buck rescue Mr Teeny and shoot a cardboard cutout of Krusty. However Krusty unfortunately stood next to the cutout and Bart had noticed Buck drinking from a canteen. He realised by Buck looking rather dizzy that he had been drinking alcohol...
The drunk Buck accidentally shot the real Krusty.
"Ow! My schmegegel!" Krusty cried in Yiddish sounding gibberish.
Bart was horrified and embarrassed.
After the show Krusty refused to have Buck ever return to his show ever.
Buck explained he had a drinking problem.
"You could have explained that earlier..." Bart sighed.
At home Bart was humiliated in Buck's behaviour.
"Bart, I know you're embarrassed in your favorite hero so I made you a new hero! Me!" said Homer putting up a poster of himself as a woman, a very sexy blonde woman... That actually sounds wrong!
Bart winced. "That is just grotesque!"
"No that's just freaky!" Oscar winced.
...
Marge and Homer agreed to help him go cold turkey by getting rid of his alcohol.
"Is that all of it?" Homer asked.
"Well, that painting's made of liquor..." said Buck.
Marge and Homer poured the painting away down the sink.
"Mmmmmm... drinkable art!" Homer said his Mmmmmmm! catchphrase.
Marge sighed exasperated.
At home, in the very early hours at 2 am.
Homer sneaked off to the kitchen and got out a ham from the fridge.
"Mmmmmm... ham..." said Homer.
Suddenly he heard Lisa walking about pacing about and worried. He saw from tbe kitchen doorway which actually has no door as it is a walkthrough to the dining room, well he saw Lisa in her purple feety pajamas going on about the environment and how we're all doomed because of global warming etc.
"Holes in the ozone layer... polar ice caps melting... mass deforestation..." Lisa said worried and sleepless over something.
"I didn't know she wore feeties..." said Homer. He looked at his ham he was gonna eat. "I should ask her whats wrong but..." He decided he'd rather eat some ham.
...
Bart was embarrassed about Buck but luckily his friends agreed to allow Cowboys to be a fad for a while. So he quickly changed into his cowboy outfit that recess.
Half the kids dressed as Cowboys the other half as Natives (Which they used the politically incorrect term Indians to describe.) Nelson insisted on being a super soldier from the future with a plasma gun. (Actually his foam dart gun.)
"If this fad doesn't work next month is Hawaiian shirt month!" said Quiffy.
"No it's not!" Bart replied.
They had a battle in the school fields between cowboys and Indians/natives. However Nelson ruined it by shooting foam darts at everyone.
"Nelson we can't have you ruining the historical accuracy! Just choose Cowboys or Indians!" Bart groaned.
...
Homer tried to get Buck to go to AA. But he wasn't ready to give up liquor. As punishment for walking out of AA the AA staff branded his butt like cowboys would do to their cattle.
...
Luckily Bucks skills were needed because Snake and some robbers were in the bank equipped with high tech guns pinning down Wiggum and his men with machine gun fire.
"Chief you really should have checked the truck was locked!" said Lou.
"Well, maybe you should have, Lou!" Wiggum retorted.
Buck came to the rescue and grabbed the guns from the robbers with his lasso. The cops then arrested them.
Snake put two and two together that Bart was somehow the mastermind at hiring Buck as help.
"Little dude! You are so dead! And this time I mean it!" Snake ranted as he was taken away.
"Yeah sure... You ain't Sideshow Bob. Take him away boys." Bart replied.
"Hey! Only I get to say that!" said Wiggum. "Bake em away toys."
"What chief?" Lou asked.
"Just do as the kid says..." said Wiggum.
...
"Well, it's time I got back to Texas. See you real soon kid." said Buck and he rode off into the sunset.
"I'm sure gonna miss that guy..." Bart sighed.
"Whatever happened to the Rich Texan guy?" Oscar asked.
"I dunno." Bart replied.
"Well that's some nice work Bart, I'd have helped but I was sorta distracted by this beautiful lady." said Wiggum.
The camera pans over to lady Homer in a red dress with his blonde wig.
"Helloooooo officer!" said Homer in a girly voice.
"Eeeeeeeugh! Chief that's my dad!" said Bart.
"Oh dear god!" Wiggum gasped.
Oscar winced, freaked out by Homer cross dressing.