"What do you mean you're not going back?" Seamus asked slightly annoyed.
"He threw a jar at my head, Shay!" Harry shot back. "You think I'm going to put myself in that situation again?"
"And what did you do to get him to do that?"
"Nothing! I swear, I didn't do anything! One minute I'm reliving all my memories again and then the next, I'm watching his memories! I don't even know how that happened!"
"No matter how it happened, you need to march back there and get him to continue teaching you! McGonagall is right – this can't keep happening!"
"You think I want this to happen?" Harry yelled, his fists balled. "You think I want to be passing out all over Hogwarts? People calling me crazy, watching this shit happen! I'm so sick of people thinking I want attention all the time! I don't ask for this!"
"Calm down, Harry, no one thinks that!"
"Yes they do!" Harry threw his hands in the air. "Everyone thinks that! Snape thinks that –"
"Snape hates you! Of course he's going to say that!" Seamus said, glaring at Harry. "He always tries to get a rise out of you. That doesn't mean you have to let him!"
"I can't help it! He gets in my head, and I just want it to stop, I want it all to stop! I'm so sick and tired of everything always having to happen to me!"
"Just stop, Harry! Seriously, stop!" Seamus yelled. Harry looked taken aback by Seamus' outburst: He had been calm throughout Harry's ranting.
"Seamus, I didn't…I'm sorry – I didn't mean…" Harry faulted.
"I know you don't mean to Harry, but you need to stop being negative all the time! That's your problem! If you're negative all the time, you're never going to get better, and you're never going to do able to empty your mind!"
"Shay – I'm doing what I can – "
"Are you? Are you truly doing everything? Or are you making excuses to not want to do what Snape wants?" Seamus suggested.
Harry faltered. "It's not that easy. I have so much going on in my hard, I can barely keep the thoughts together."
"You need to think more positively. Stop dwelling on all the negatives!"
Harry gulped and looked down. He didn't know what to say. "I'm trying –"
"You need to try harder!" And with that, Seamus walked out of the dorm room, leaving him all alone.
Harry's breath caught in his throat as tears rose to the surface. What Harry feared the most happened – their first fight. What if this was it? What if Seamus was finally done with Harry's nonsense? Harry didn't think he could take a breakup. But he didn't want Seamus to feel he had to stay with him for the sake of his mental health, either. Harry curled up into a ball on the bed and cried.
Seamus sat in the armchair by the fire for the last twenty minutes, staring into the flames. He knew he shouldn't have snapped at Harry. He loved him more than anything and was frustrated that there wasn't more he could do to help. He knew he was starting to get way over his head with this. But he didn't want to give up…he refused to give up. He sighed…he couldn't believe they just had their first fight…
"Hey Seamus, why so down?"
Seamus looked up to find Ron, Dean, and Hermione heading his way. He sighed. "Me and Harry had our first fight."
"Oh no! What about?" Hermione asked, looking worried. She sat on the arm of the Seamus' chair.
"Just stupid things…I think I was rather mean, to be honest. I feel kind of bad." Seamus gulped.
"Why don't you go talk to him?" Dean suggested.
"I'm not sure if he wants to talk to me right now." Seamus continued staring into the fire. "There was a lot of yelling –"
"Mostly on Harry's part, I'm assuming?" Ron guessed. Seamus nodded.
"Do you want us to talk to him?" Hermione suggested. "I'm sure he'll open up to us."
"That would be wonderful," Seamus smiled gratefully. "He's up in the dorm."
Ron and Hermione nodded and headed up the stairs. They knocked carefully on the door, to let Harry know they were about to enter. There was no response. Ron carefully opened the door, and they peered around: Harry was lying on his bed, crying.
"Harry? You ok, mate?" Ron asked gently as they approached.
"Oh no!" Hermione gasped. Sitting next to Harry, was a razor blade and droplets of blood on the sheet. Hermione ran over to him and sat him up. Looking down, she saw the fresh cuts on Harry's wrist, covering the healed ones. Hermione pulled him into a hug and allowed him to sob into her shoulder. Ron, meanwhile, grabbed the razor and ran back downstairs.
"Ron? That was quick! How is he – what's wrong?" Seamus asked. Ron didn't say anything, but instead held up the razor blade. "Shit!"
They both ran back up the stairs and into the room. Harry was still crying into Hermione's shoulder, his wrist free bleeding down his arm. Seamus sat on the other side of him and gently peeled him off Hermione. "Baby – baby I'm so sorry!" He pulled him into a hug.
"I'm so stupid! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" Harry cried hysterically. Seamus looked up at the other two; Ron looked beside himself and Hermione had tears running down her own face.
"Harry, you're not stupid. It was a simple mistake – this happens –"
"But it shouldn't've happened! You're right I need to stop being negative – all it's been doing is hurting me – and now it's hurting you –"
"You listen to me, Harry," Seamus held Harry by the shoulders, forcing him to look at Seamus. "I was stupid and shouldn't have said those things. I was….I'm scared that there's only so much I can do to help you."
There was a pause. Harry looked down at his lap, wiping his eyes on his non-bloody sleeve. "I know I've been a lot lately…my mental health…I know it's getting to be too much for you…"
"It's not Harry, that's not what I meant," Seamus said tearfully.
"I know it's not. But I can see it…I don't want you to feel like you have to stay with me – because you think you have to save me – I – I know this is way more than you bargained for –"
"You're not suggesting…you're not saying you want to break up, do you?" Seamus asked, looking scared.
"I don't want us to! I love you, Seamus! But I don't want you to feel obligated to be with me…to try and fix me…cuz I'm not sure if I can ever be fixed –"
Seamus pulled Harry into a hug once more, tears in his eyes. "I love you too, Harry. And I don't want us to end! I know I can't fix you, but I want to try and help you get the help you need…please, Harry….please don't give up on us because you're the best thing that has ever happened to me."
"You don't have to do this alone, Harry," Hermione said quietly. She bent down and embraced both boys in a group hug.
"We'll always be here for you, mate." Ron said, joining in on the group hug as well.
Harry walked timidly next to Seamus as they headed to the infirmary; Ron and Hermione followed from behind. He was glad for the support, but terrified what would happen once they got there. He was still sniffling some but calmed down enough for the others to convince him to go. When they entered the hospital wing, it was to find Professor McGonagall there as well, talking with Madame Pomfrey. They looked up at the group in confusion.
"What's going on? Is someone hurt?" Madame Pomfrey asked, standing up to greet them. Harry could feel their eyes turn to him as he looked at the ground.
"Go on, baby," Seamus whispered, squeezing his hand encouragingly.
Harry kept his eyes down as his lips started trembling. In barely above a whisper, he said, "I need help."
McGonagall and Pomfrey looked from Harry to Seamus, seemingly confused. Seamus gently reached down and pulled up Harry's sleeve, showing the new cuts. Harry couldn't contain himself and broke down once more. Seamus pulled him into a hug, rubbing his back.
Without saying a word, Professor McGonagall guided Harry and Seamus to an empty bed and put up privacy screeners: Madame Pomfrey went to fetch some essence of Murtlap for Harry. Ron and Hermione stood next to Harry's bed while Seamus sat on the edge.
McGonagall conjured a seat and sat next to the bed as well. When she spoke, it was very soft, almost motherly. "Harry…what happened?"
Harry felt so ashamed by what he did, by what he thought, he couldn't answer the question. He was trying to catch his breath, tears still pouring down his cheeks. Seamus answered instead. "We got in a little fight – our first one, actually. And he may have taken what I said out of context and thought we were breaking up."
"I see. And you were so distraught, Harry, that you self-harmed again?" McGonagall asked kindly. Harry just nodded.
"Here you are, Harry." Madame Pomfrey came around the screen holding a rag and a bowl full of Murtlap. She put the bowl on the table beside him.
"Hermione, could you help Harry for a moment?" Seamus asked. Hermione nodded and took his seat. She dipped the rag in the bowl and started cleaning up Harry's wound. "Professor, may I speak with you?" He asked, turning to McGonagall. She nodded and they stepped away from the bed.
"Professor, I'm scared for Harry. I want to help him as best as I can but – I think I'm in way over my head with this. He needs more help than I can offer him." Seamus said, trying to keep it together. He could feel his eyes filling with tears.
"You have been doing fantastic, Seamus. You were able to convince him to ask for help – that's a big step." Professor McGonagall said, praising him. "I'm proud at how well you've done, and you're right; Harry does need more help than a fifteen-year-old can offer. Madame Pomfrey and myself have the proper resources to help, and as long as Harry agrees to accept this help, we can get him back on track."
"Thank you, Professor." Seamus wiped the tears out of his eyes. "He was doing so well – he only had one relapse back during the holidays and I thought it was finished…I – I love him so much and I can't stand to see him go through this again."
Professor McGonagall was a little taken aback at this profession of love, but her heart warmed at the thought: Those two really were made for each other. She gave Seamus a kind smile and put a comforting hand on his shoulder before stirring him back behind the curtain.
It had been a week since Harry had cut himself. He had promised his best friends and his boyfriend to go to regular therapy sessions with Madame Pomfrey and Professor McGonagall. He was just leaving his first session: It went surprisingly well. They let Harry talk about anything and everything he wanted, much like when he first opened up to Seamus. He talked about how he was feeling since coming out of the graveyard, how he felt when he was being ignored by his friends; he talked about Seamus helping him which led to their dating. He talked about his first relapse from Mrs. Weasley's reaction and how he felt. And finally, he talked about his most recent relapse – how his thoughts convinced him it was over between him and Seamus.
He found the two women were extremely supportive, and Harry felt better getting everything off his chest once more. He didn't realize how much he was letting everything build up again; how he wasn't allowing himself to truly feel his feelings. Through a few tears, and a minor anxiety attack, Harry was able to get through the session.
Harry headed up to Gryffindor Tower, where he knew everyone was waiting for him. He knew he didn't have to tell them anything if he didn't want to – they told him he could keep what he wanted to himself until he was ready. But Harry was slowly learning to trust again. He was learning that he didn't always have to keep things in – that it's ok to talk them out, even if it was uncomfortable, or if he might anger someone.
"Hey baby! How did everything go?" Seamus asked. He opened his arms wide as Harry sat himself on his lap, side-saddle. Harry gave him a peck on the cheek.
"It was actually really good. It felt great getting everything out in the open." Harry explained. His friends smiled at him proudly.
Seamus squeezed him around the middle. "Thank you for agreeing to do this," he whispered.
"Do you think you'll be good to join the practice tomorrow night?" Ron asked.
"Oh yeah, I'll be fine. My wrist is much better than during the last training."
Harry had a terrible time trying to hold his broom during practice while trying to catch the practice snitch: His wrist was hurting something fierce because he cut so close to the crook of the wrist. But after a week of constant cleaning, it was finally starting to heal like all the others.
"I can't believe the second game of the season is only weeks away!" Seamus said excitedly.
"I know we're going to win this one too – it's Hufflepuff we're going against!" Ron said, chuckling.
"They have been getting a lot better though," Dean piped in. He had been quiet for most of the conversation, reading his book. "That new player, Kyle Evers, he's the best chaser that team has seen in years."
"Yeah, but that's a chaser," Seamus said, rolling his eyes. "Their seeker has nothing on Harry!"
"I guess we'll just have to see during the next game," Harry said happily. It felt great to be back talking to his friends, knowing he was still with Seamus, and having Quidditch practices back. Right now, everything felt completely perfect.