Snow.
Blinding, white. A chilling cold that reached to his bones. A voice, shouting somewhere, hazy forms and strong arms that lift and throw him over a broad back. Then nothing, a peaceful haze of unconsciousness.
"-ia"
Someone calling out. What were they saying?
"Lithuania!"
His name. But Lithuania refused the call. He was comfortable, sinking and falling through the sheets, falling and falling forever. Why should he wake up? Why should he have to face the world again?
Fingers, digging in his arms.
"LITHUANIA!"
And despite his deepest wishes, he woke up. The first thing he noticed was the chill he felt throughout his whole body, like he was frozen from the inside out and would never get warm again. The next thing he noticed was Estonia's worried face pouring over him, looking close to tears.
"Oh thank God!" And he was caught in a brief, but tight, hug. "I was worried you would never wake up."
That didn't make sense, and slowly, Lithuania began to process that something was wrong. He tried to focus, head still thick with sleep.
"What happened?"
And Estonia froze, like a deer in headlights.
"You passed out in the snow. You almost froze to death."
Countries like him wouldn't die from just that, so Lithuania knew Estonia was being dramatic. He laughed a little, brushing his hair out of his eyes.
"I must have been exhausted." Then, as a thought occurred, "Russia must be upset."
Estonia looked even more like a deer in headlights than before.
"No, he- exhausted? But-"
He stumbled over his words and Lithuania gave him a curious look. It wasn't like Estonia to be at a loss for words, he specialized in keeping his cool, and was the best amongst them at dealing with Russia, likely because of his friendship with Finland, who terrified Latvia and made even Lithuania uneasy. Something was wrong. Lithuania turned serious.
"What happened?"
His heart quickened as he realized the third Baltic was nowhere to be seen.
"Is Latvia okay?"
Estonia flinched, his face twisting.
"Is Latvia - you're the one who- Latvia is fine."
Lithuania frowned. Then why was Estonia still looking like that? Estonia was looking closely at Lithuania in return, and Lithuania saw the moment that Estonia figured out the answer to the unspoken question, tension relaxing but not releasing.
"What do you remember?"
Ah, he was asking about before Lithuania fainted. He must be worried it would happen again. Lithuania thought back as best he could, and answered slowly.
"It's a bit fuzzy, to be honest. The last thing I remember was working on documents in Russia's office. After that..."
His mind drew a blank. How tired must he had been to completely black out? He was always somewhat tired, it was a side effect of working for Russia, but never that tired before. He hadn't even realized he was that tired, which was probably why he passed out. He was lucky that someone had found him in that snowbank. Countries don't freeze to death, but they could get nasty colds or even pneumonia. Lithuania was so deep in his thoughts he almost missed the strange twisted expression Estonia made before his entire expression shifted into something much lighter.
"Well, I'm glad you're okay. I'd better let Russia know you're awake. Don't move! If you get up and faint again Russia will kill me!"
And with those words, Estonia almost bolted from the room, likely terrified of what would happen if he didn't report right away. Lithuania laid back in the bed, trying to reorient himself before Russia appeared and ordered him to do more work. It was odd of Estonia to be so shaken, Lithuania's fainting must have really thrown him off. He shivered, feeling chilled from the inside out. How odd.
He was shaken quickly from his own disoriented thoughts by Russia's arrival.
"Lithuania."
Russia's tone was almost sharp, and instinctively Lithuania sat up as straight as he could in his bed.
"Mr. Russia! Sir!"
Russia hesitated at the edge of the bed, scanning Lithuania from head to toe, for once missing his impenetrable beam. It made Lithuania uneasy. He squirmed under Russia's gaze, and Russia's lips formed a tight, unreadable line.
"How are you feeling?"
There was something foreign in Russia's tone, something Lithuania couldn't place. Something... Off.
"I'm a little cold, but I'm alright!"
Russia's expression didn't change, but Lithuania was an expert at telling when Russia was upset, and this was one of those time. He hurried to sooth Russia.
"I'm very sorry! I'm not not sure what happened but Ill finish my work immediately!"
Russia continued to stare with that strange, sharp expression for a moment more, then as though it had always been that way, his usual beam was back, just as unreadable and threatening as before.
"I see." Russia moved closer to Lithuania and dropped a heavy hand on his shoulder, pushing him back. "You will not work until you are better," Russia decided. "Rest."
And in Russia's house, his words were law.
Lithuania had always thought he'd be happy for a day to rest, but now that he was faced with no choice, he found it grating. The first day, he'd managed it. The second, he'd felt extremely on edge, but by the third day, Lithuania was itching to work. He needed to move, to do something. But If he looked at his paperwork, Estonia confiscated them, if he tried to do chores a flustered Latvia would push him back to sit down, likely worried of the punishment that he might incur if Russia found Lithuania working. In other words, Lithuania was bored, for the first time since he could remember.
When he tried to prepare dinner, Belarus chased him away. When he tried to set the table, Ukraine took over. And that wasn't the worst part.
There's something he'd forgotten.
Lithuania knew this because everyone else knew it, every person who faltered at his presence, the eyes that turned away and refused to meet his, the furtative glances at him when the others thought he wasnt looking. The faltering of people who knew him reacting to him. There's something he'd forgotten, and everyone else knew it but him.
"Did something happen?"
He'd tried to ask Latvia, the most loose-lipped, in a hushed tone, but Latvia flinched, tearing up, and made up an excuse to run away.
"Did I... Make a mistake? Before I got sick?"
When he'd posted the same tentative question to Estonia, his fellow Baltic made a face Lithuania had never seen him make before, almost like pity.
"No," Estonia refused to meet his gaze, "You did nothing wrong."
But Ukraine secretly brought him some sweets later at night, patting his hand comfortingly before fleeing before Russia caught her. Even Belarus was gentler on Lithuania than normal. Maybe it was because Lithuania hadn't been flirting lately. Somehow, he just couldn't find it in himself to try.
He wasn't sick, he even argued it to Russia so he could resume his duties, but something still felt off. Maybe it was the voices in his dreams he could never remember when he woke up, breathless and in a cold sweat. Or maybe it was the chills inside that he couldn't quell, the ones that had nothing to do with the temperature on the air.
Maybe it had to do with the items in his room that he didn't remember buying that didn't match his tastes, that he still couldn't throw out for some reason. Maybe it had to do with the reason Latvia flinched when he asked about a new territory Russia had acquired, or the strange ache he felt when he saw the place on the map. But that was ridiculous, what would the loss of some country he didn't even know hurt him? It was probably a fear, knowing he'd be next if he wasn't careful, Lithuania reasoned.
"Lithuania, are you okay?"
Estonia's concerned voice, and Lithuania realized he'd zoned out, at the dinner table with Mr. Russia and his family, no less! Flustered, Lithuania hurried to assure the rest of the Union.
"Ah, yes, I was just thinking! Sorry, did you ask something?"
Estonia exchanged a look with Belarus across the table.
"Belarus was asking if you'd like more Borscht."
"Oh! Um, yes, please! Thank you!"
How unlike him, Lithuania wasn't the type to zone out, he didn't dare. Russia might get upset if Lithuania accidentally ignored him. Lithuania's hands trembled as he took the now-refilled bowl from Belarus with a muttered thanks. He shouldn't upset Russia, he shouldn't make him angry. If he did, he might end up like-
" Sheesh, Liet, you worry too much!"
A voice, a voice he knew, though he didn't know why. And more importantly, not the voice of anyone at the table. He jerked his head up, looking for the intruder wildly. But there was no one there.
"Lithuania?" Latvia's always-anxious tone.
Lithuania's heart pounded. No, he couldn't act strange, Russia had only just given him permission to work again! He couldn't risk losing that privledge, if Russia thought Lithuania was useless...
"Ah, sorry, I thought I heard something."
Lithuania kept his head down and picked up his spoon. Just eat, just be normal. Ignore it. He raised the spoon to eat, but-
Ghostly fingers covering his own, a brush of phantom hair and on his face, like someone leaned past him to steal his bite of soup from him, and again, that disembodied voice.
"Is it good? Let me try!"
The clatter of the spoon hitting the table, borscht spilling everywhere. The screech of Russia's chair on the floor as his boss kept to his feet, twin cries from Belarus and Estonia, Ukraine shouting his name, a hiccup from Latvia. A laugh in his ear.
"Chill out, Liet, it was just a taste."
And tears, rolling down his face.
Lithuania flinched, putting a hand to his face, feeling the warm wet trickle itch on cheeks. "What?"
It shouldn't be like this, why was he crying? Nothing was wrong? Russia would get mad! And Russia was on his feet, approaching Lithuania, and Lithuania hurried to make excuses to appease his employer's anger.
"I-I'm very sorry! I don't know what came over me, I'll clean it up-"
A heavy hand falling in his shoulder and pushing him back into his seat as he tried to rise, and Russia again spoke in that strange sharp tone.
"Nyet, it's okay. Go rest."
Lithuania felt displaced, like the world was a strange mirror version of his world, just a little off. Russia wouldn't forgive something like that without a threat, he'd never sound almost gentle, he'd never-
Russia removed his hand from Lithuania's shoulder, and as he stepped back, Russia said something he'd never say.
"I'm sorry."
And it didn't make sense, it should have confused Lithuania, or terrified him, but instead if felt like something broke inside, and the tears he was trying to hold back became unstoppable, and Lithuania tried to muffle his broken sobs in his hands, curling into himself in an attempt to stop himself from breaking apart. He felt like he was breaking apart, devastated by something he couldn't remember.
No, something he wouldn't remember, a voice he couldn't hear anymore.
"Pft, such a crybaby, Leit!"
Fingers he'd never feel again,
Ghostly hands awkwardly patting his shoulders.
A person he'd never see a again, a country lost forever.
"You forgot about the Poland rule! It makes me invincible to all attacks!"
If only fiction could become reality, if only reality was fiction.
If only,
Cold snow.
Tears, streaking down his face as he cried.
A country crumbling into nothing.
A pair of melted footprints in the place of his friend.
Voices, calling him, and his vision slides to black.
If only his best friend wasn't gone forever, if only Poland really was there.
"You can't cancel again, Leit, I'm bored!"
"Sorry, Pol, Mr. Russia has a lot for me to do, I can't come today! Next time, I promise!"
Lithuania felt an unfamiliar embrace, Belarus, putting aside her usual act to hold him, and even then he couldn't find comfort in the embrace. He choked, trying to stop crying as the memories he'd tried to block came pouring back in, endlessly.
" Where are you going, Lithuania?"
"Ah, Estonia! Mr. Russia actually gave me a day off, so I'm going to visit my friend Poland!"
"Poland? But-"
An unfamiliar look in Estonia's face, a blood curling chill down his back.
"Could it be you don't know? Russia-"
A piece of paper, a Russia flag where the Polish one should be. And where Poland should be, where his best friend should be-
Nothing.
Lithuania couldn't forget the truth anymore, the reason behind Ukraine's teary comforting, Estonia's twisted expression, Latvia's panic, even Belarus's unusual kindness and Russia's out of character apology and respectful distance.
Lithuania couldn't stop the feeling of collapsing in on himself. No more Poland, only regrets. Regrets for the times he blew his friend off or cancelled on him, regrets for not knowing sooner, not being able to stop it. Regrets for all the rescheduled plans, for all the "laters" and "next times". Because now it was too late.
There was no more next time for Lithuania and Poland.