Tales from the Public Domain Homer receives a letter from the library that a book he took out for Bart when he was a baby to read to him is overdue. The family decide to read it together with Oscar making good on Homer's promise with his weirdness as usual.
PlotHomer receives a letter that a book he took out to read to Bart when he was a baby is long overdue.
"Bill, bill... Bill." Marge sighed going through the bills. "Homer, you got a letter. Hmm. It's from the library."
"Overdue book? This is the biggest frame-up since Uncle O.J." said Homer
OJ Simpson Reading a newspaper sat in the green armchair grimaced looking up from his paper.
"Wait a minute. Blood in the Bronco, the cuts on his hands, those Jay Leno monologues! Oh, my God! He did it!" (WHIMPERS) Homer cried.
"I most certainly did not!" OJ yelled.
"Once again... we're not actually related to OJ Simpson..." Lisa sighed.
"We're overdue with a book?" Marge gasped.
"Here's the book." Lisa found an old book gathering dust. (BLOWS) she blew away the dust. ""Classics for Children"?"
"Yeah. I checked that out when Bart was born. I was gonna read to him every day." said Homer.
"What happened?" Lisa asked.
"Stuff kept coming up. Mostly car-related. Piece of crap." said Homer.
"Cwap cwap cwap." said Oscar in a baby voice.
Marge gasped.
"Why don't you read to us now?" Lisa asked.
"I decide who reads and when!" Bart yelled.
"How about now?" Lisa asked.
"Fine..." said Bart,
"Well it's nine years too late to read it to Bart as a bedtime story." said Homer. "And it's four in the afternoon."
"Unless..." Oscar said with a smirk.
"Oscar! No!" Bart knew Oscar was planning something silly again.
"For the sake of comedy I say let Oscar do what he wants." said Homer frowning at Bart.
Bart found he had been turned into a baby again. He was just wearing a diaper. He pouted.
"Oh this first story is about Odysseus and his odyssey!" said Marge. The story was about the Odyssey of Odysseus.
"Mmm. Homer's Odyssey. Is this about that minivan I rented once?" Homer asked referencing canon!
Bart winced.
"No it's about when you got fired from the Nuclear Power Plant for crashing your buggy into some pipes and you became obsessed with safety and put warning signs everywhere." said Oscar.
"Oh yeah." said Homer.
"No, Dad. It's an epic tale from ancient Greece." said Lisa.
"That minivan had the biggest cup holders. And change slots for every coin, from penny to quarter." said Homer.
"Dad, I loved it, too, but it was seven years ago." Hugo sighed.
"Fine." Homer sighed.
"Bart's not gonna like something historical..." said Hugo. Baby Bart was yawning.
"Yeah but it's Greek mythology! That's awesome! I miss wearing my chiton and fighting monsters..." Oscar replied.
"Okay but keep it down. I'm trying to meditate here." said Lisa meditating.
"Oh yeah, Lisa's a Buddhist now." said Hugo.
Odysseus
Homer played the role of Odysseus shortly after his victory at the battle of Troy.
Ned was the king of Troy.
"Hi diddly ho Odysseus!"
"Stupid Flanders..." said Odysseus.
Basically they built a wooden horse and the Trojan's foolishly took the gift inside their fortified city. At night the Greeks snuck out and killed everyone.
"Awwww! Sleeping like babies..." said Greek soldier Moe. "Kill them all! Leave no survivors!" And so they killed the Trojans.
"And that's why whenever people need wood. They think of Trojans." said Homer.
Oscar laughed hysterically.
"Trojans."
"What are you laughing at, Oz?" Lisa asked.
"If he's laughing at what I think I am, it's very funny." Homer chuckled.
"It's a brand of condoms!" said Oscar laughing.
"Oz don't be so crude..." Bart sighed.
Meanwhile in the odyssey.
"Well we came, we saw and we conquered. Now I have to return home to Ithaca and my darling wife Helen." said Odysseus. No she wasn't played by Henen Lovejoy...
"And I have to return to my wife Penelope..." said Krusty. That hasn't happened yet!
Marge played Helen and Bart was their son um Barticus.
Baby Bart rolled his eyes.
Odysseus had to go on another adventure much to Helen's annoyance.
"That's your excuse every time I ask you to do some chores..." Marge as Helen sighed.
However the odyssey went wrong and they got lost.
They encountered Wiggum as a cyclops (cough Treehouse of Horror reference cough) who ate some of Odysseus's men.
"Oh the gods and goddesses! A giant monster with only one eye!" said Odysseus.
"I'm a cyclops." said Cyclops Wiggum.
He ate another soldier.
"Stop that!" Homer as Odysseus cried.
They blinded him in his sleep and escaped.
(Cyclops Wiggum crying.)
"Who attacked you Clancy?" asked a cyclops.
"Nobody!" said Wiggum cyclops.
"Well that's not very helpful..." said a cyclops as Wiggum, now blind, stumbled about.
However the cyclops was one of Poseidon's children or something and this made sea captain McCallister as Poseidon angry.
"Hey look! An angry cloud!" said Odysseus.
"Arrrrrr!" said Poseidon and he blew the Argo off course.
They encountered sirens who sung a beautiful song.
On the island,
Island of sirens,
Our hot sex will leave you perspirin'.
"Let's sail closer to those babes!" said Carl.
Lenny agreed.
However the sirens were Patty and Selma!
"Homer why?!" Marge sighed.
"Aaaaaagh! They're hideous! Let's get out of here!" Odysseus screamed and they sailed away.
Marge grumbled.
Then some guy who I think was the primeval god of wind gave Odysseus a bag of wind.
"I insist we make a fart joke here." said Oscar.
"No!" Homer scolded him.
They then arrived on Circe's island. She invited them to stay and try some of her gross potion that was obviously dangerous. They tried it anyway.
"Mmmm! Tangy!" said Lenny. Everyone except Odysseus turned into pigs.
"Oh a pig that looks like Lenny!" said Odysseus. He ate the pigs not realising they were his crew.
Later.
"Well I'm full but I best be going. Where's my crew?" said Odysseus.
"You ate them. I tried to warn you numerous times." Circe explained.
Odysseus screamed.
"How will I get home?!" Odysseus asked.
Circe gave him directions.
...
Meanwhile Barticus was trying to get Helen to pick a new husband. Up next was Disco Stu.
"Disco Stu has ouzo for twozo!" said Disco Stu. With a bottle of Ouzo.
"I'll leave you two at it." said Barticus as he went to leave.
"Disco Stu was talking to you." said Disco Stu to Barticus. Aaaaaagh!
Barticus grimaced in disgust. He also shuddered.
In the present the kids screamed.
"What? The ancient Greeks were weird about that sort of thing!" Homer explained.
"Well they are responsible for the term hedonism." Lisa explained.
Anyway Odysseus was almost home with his new crew but they were flicked by Poseidon's finger to somewhere else.
They approached Scylla and the whirlpool Charybdis. They needed to make a decision. Odysseus drove Argo at Scylla impaling her and killing her.
"Oops." said Odysseus.
Meanwhile the suitors were getting fed up with Helen and went home. Greek disco Stu was still chasing Barticus.
"Noooo! Leave me alone until I'm eighteen!" Barticus screamed.
Greek Hugo was running about the villa naked on all fours like a dog and growling and grunting.
Helen face palmed. "I'm the one you're supposed to be seducing..."
Um Greek Disco Stu is Kevin Spacey of Ancient Greece...
Elsewhere Julio the gay hairdresser was Paris, the man who won Helen because he gave the apple of discord to Aphrodite so she took some guy's wife and started a war. Oh and Paris is dead at this point so what is the point in introducing him!
"Also I'm gay..." said Julio. All the ancient Greeks were gay... they still bred...
Homer as Odysseus then got into a fight with a sentient river, Homer as Homer the writer wrote about this.
"D'oh! Stupid river!" said Homer as Odysseus.
...
Odysseus sailed into the underworld of Hades. He sailed on a raft up the river Styx. Skeletons and dead people were playing Lady by Styx.
"Oh Zeus! This truly is Hell!" Odysseus screamed.
Meanwhile Barticus is being chased by Disco Stu. "You think that's Hell Dad?!" Barticus commented.
Homer met Hades. Played by James Woods.
"I have no idea why I'm the villain, Disney... I'm a necessary force! Everyone dies eventually!" said Hades from Disney's Hercules.
"No Oz..." Bart groaned.
Hehehe! Disney Hades...
Then he was at sea again.
"Captain maybe we should offer a sacrifice to appease the gods." said a crew member.
"Forget it! Sacrificing animals is barbaric. Now have the slaves kill the wounded." said Odysseus.
On Mount Olympus.
"No sacrifice? We'll teach that mortal to trifle with the gods." said Quimby as Zeus.
"Mmmmmmmm... Trifle..." said Oscar as Hermes or something.
"Oz no!" Bart groaned.
Eventually Odysseus got home to find his wife was old and starting to look like her mother and some guy chasing his son about the villa with a bottle of Ouzo.
"What the?!" Odysseus gasped.
The end!
"That sucked." said Oscar.
"Oscar! Watch your language!" Marge told him off.
"No! Bleh!" Oscar stuck his tongue out at her.
"Oh! Joan of Arc!" Lisa read the name of a story.
Bart turned back to his normal age.
"Can we end this charade now? My diaper stinks!" Bart groaned.
Plot 2"Anyway here is the story of Joan of Arc." said Lisa.
"Ooh! Did you say Joan Van Ark?" Marge asked.
"No, Mom. Joan of Arc." said Lisa.
"It's never Joan Van Ark." Marge whined.
Lisa tolled her eyes.
Oscar laughed.
Joan Van Ark is an actress. With an extremely ugly face!
"This one takes place in a make-believe kingdom called France." said Homer.
"Dad France is real..." said Lisa.
"It's not a kingdom though." said Homer glancing at her.
"No... but it was hundreds of years ago before the French Revolution." said Lisa.
Joan of Arc
In medieval France Lisa as Joan received a message from God to lead the French to victory. She went home to tell her family.
"Son how is the pate I asked you to make going?" Homer of Arc asked.
"Working on it." said Bart of Arc. He was strangling a goose.
(Goose honking)
(Bart grunting)
"Bartrand, where is your sister Joan? Morning bells are ringing. Morning bells are ringing." said Marge of Arc.
"She's talking to her invisible friend. God." said Bartrand.
"And please bless Mama and Papa and Bartrand and Coco Chanel." Lisa prayed.
Apparently a time travelling Coco Chanel lives with them.
"Joan! I am God!" God boomed.
"Eep!" said Joan scared.
"Joan! I want you to lead the French to victory!" said God.
"But I'm just a little girl!" said Joan.
"I know! I have three eyes!" said God.
...
Joan told her father what God asked of her.
"To what?!" said Homer as Joan's father.
"Victory." said Joan.
"We don't even have a word for that!" said Homer of Arc. "We're French!"
Oscar as a Medieval English soldier laughed. "It's funny because it's true!"
"No it's not! The French are not cowards who quickly surrender!" Marge of Arc said sharply.
"That's not her surname Oscar..." Lisa explained.
The Of Arcs (Oscar!) were having dinner and then dessert.
Hugo of Arc was kept in a cage.
"I must obey God. I will lead the French armies tomorrow." said Lisa as Joan.
"Joan... give me your dessert!" said Bart as Joan's brother trying to pretend to be God.
"Bartrand! I know that's you!" Joan sighed.
"Joan! Give me your dessert!" said God.
"Yes God." said Joan scared as she passed her plate with a cream bun into the beam of light. A mystical force took it.
We here eating sounds from God.
"Oh that's going straight to my five thighs!" said God.
The Of Arcs winced.
"Joan! Where is Coco Chanel?" Joan's father asked.
"Papa she is in her apothecary mixing the finest smells and flowers to make eau de toilette. (Toilet water.)
"No wonder we French stink!" said Joan's father.
Oscar laughed.
...
Joan rounded up the French army. They battled the English who were defending a castle.
"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!" the English shouted at the French.
"Ahhhh! No Oscar! No Monty Python!" Bart screamed in pain.
"I fart in your general direction!" The English yelled.
The French were catapulting people at the castle...
"All right, garçons. Uh, Deux, Trois..." said a sergeant or what they had at the time.
"Huh?" a soldier asked.
"No, un. You know, French for "one."" said the sergeant.
"Well, you keep switching back between French and English." said the catapult operator.
"Just fire the damn thing." said the sergeant.
He fired the catapult.
(EXCLAIMS IN FRENCH) (GROANS) "My fault this time. I didn't tuck in my legs." said the man who got launched.
Joan arrived.
"Wait! I have been sent to lead the French army to victory!"
(ALL LAUGHING)
Joan frowned.
God zapped the sergeant.
"Yeah, really? And how are you gonna do that?" asked the sergeant.
"With modern ideas, like putting bigger, harder people in the catapult." said Joan. They all looked at the extremely fat soldier. He shook his head. "Or, how about rocks?"
"Yes rocks." said the sergeant.
Soldiers murmured.
"I don't know how to feel just now." said the guy they had been launching with the catapult.
"And now, attack!" said Joan.
They attack the English.
They fought. Lisa/Joan climbed a ladder and stabbed a soldier who mocked her for being a little girl in a war.
"Oh! What a thing to happen!" He died.
The French won that battle and Lisa Aka Joan net the king.
...
The King's court.
Quimby apparently was king.
"We welcome our savior, Joan of Arc." said the King.
Joan arrived.
"It is customary to kneel before the king." said King Quimby.
"I would gladly kneel, were you the real king." said Joan.
(ALL GASPING)
"Off with her head!" said some guy.
"You are the true dauphin." said Joan to King Milhouse.
Medieval Oscar squeaked and whistled like a dolphin.
"No courtier! The dauphin. Not a dolphin..." said Joan.
"Dolpha! Dolpha!" Medieval Oscar squealed.
Joan sighed.
"Your highness. You had this impostor try to fool me to see if I was truly sent by God." Lisa bowed to King Milhouse.
"Bravo, Joan of Arc. You are as brainsome as you are toothsome." said King Milhouse. (CHUCKLES) "Quimby, you may resume your regular duties now."
"It would be my pleasure." Quimby was his footstool.
"Vibrate for me, footstool." said King Milhouse.
Quimby vibrated.
Then they celebrated with drink etc.
"Loyal subjects, let us drink to Joan of Arc, who will conquer the English, and has already conquered my heart." said King Milhouse.
(LAUGHS) "Uh, God says we should just be friends." Joan stammered. Not interested in Milhouse.
"I wouldn't say King Milhouse is a loser, but that's the 12th girl he's struck out with this week!" said Dolph.
"Boil him in oil!" Milhouse yelled. Dolph got executed.
"Wooooooo! With no clean drinking water, kids can get drunk!" Medieval Oscar was drunk.
...
The next battle.
The French were nearly victorious but someone caught Joan.
"I want my mommy!" said Joan from the sack.
Bart laughed.
The British held a trial lead by Quimby as the king of England.
"She kicked me and called us names your majesty!" said an English soldier.
"Joan why did you lead the French against us?" asked King Quimby.
"Because God asked me to. I call upon him as my only witness." said Joan.
The door opened and a beam of light came in. Everyone was in awe of it.
"Is this true Lord?" King Quimby asked.
"Of course it's true! Tremble before my loud voice!" said God.
"Ach! But you told me to lead the English! And I'm a Scot!" said Medieval Willie.
"Well, um... this is rather awkward... Wasn't expecting to see you two in the same room...!" God vanished back to heaven.
"Well that was awkward. I say we burn Joan at stake!" said King Quimby.
Joan gasped horrified.
The of Arcs were horrified by this news.
"Yes we are horrified. Aren't we cousin Joan Van Ark?" Bartrand asked the actress Joan Van Ark.
We see her hideous face.
Oscar screamed and his face melted off like that bit in Raiders of the Lost Ark...
"Oh god she is hideous!" Homer of Arc screamed.
...
Joan was tied to the stake as English soldiers piled up wood.
Joan's mother was horrified.
"Please spare my daughter! She's only eight!" said Joan's mother.
"Take the boy! He used up all my cattle's milk to make ice cream!" said Joan's father.
Bart of Arc was licking an ice cream.
"Don't worry mother! God will protect me from these flames!" said Joan. However the flames grew higher... "um these flames are starting to get rather hot!"
Suddenly the story cut to the Simpsons.
"She did survive right Mom?" Lisa asked horrified.
Marge snatched the book. "Of course! Suddenly Joan was rescued by Superman who flew her off to Camelot where she married Lancelot and they lived happily ever after!" Marge then ripped out a page and ate it. "That went down a lot easier than that Bambi video tape."
Lisa rolled her eyes at the obviously made up ending.
"Marge did you just rip out and eat a page from a library book?!" Oscar gasped. "An overdue library book!"
"Oh chill out..." Marge sighed and went to start dinner.
Oscar researched the story book on his laptop. "Ah! Here's the real ending."
Bart and Lisa read it. It obviously ended badly for Joan.
"Oh no!" said Lisa. They then started crying.
"What now?!" Marge asked running in suddenly.
Plot 3"Well now Oscar's done traumatising everyone. Here's one Bart might like. It's about a young prince of Denmark and there's lots of violent deaths in it!" said Homer.
"Cooool! Does he marry his mom?" Bart asked.
"Probably." said Homer.
"Bart... Why?!" Lisa groaned.
Hamlet
"Oh, no, Hamlet!" Oscar groaned.
"Shakespeare..." Hugo was a genius and adored high brow media, ie classic novels ie anything by Jules Verne. But didn't like Shakespeare. Probably American and British rivalry again...
"Shakespeare didn't write Hamlet." said Bart ignorantly in his stupidity.
"Uh, he did." said Lisa.
"What's it about?" Bart asked.
"You know, the young prince struggling with his conscience after his uncle murders his father." said Lisa summarising it.
"Dude, that's The Lion King." Oscar yelled being stupid.
Hugo face palmed exasperated.
"I'm too cool for school and ignorant of anything academic or lame. I'm guessing Oscar said something really stupid or made a vague media reference again..." said Bart to Hugo.
"Kids shut up! I'm telling a story!" Homer yelled.
Anyway the story of Hamlet...
Somewhere in Denmark long ago.
Bart as Hamlet was sleeping. His room was decorated with flags of Danish sports teams that won't exist yet.
Suddenly the ghost of his Dad the king of Denmark flew through his wall leaving ectoplasm like Slimer.
"Wooooooo! Son I have returned from the dead!" said Homer as the dead king of Denmark.
"Looks like you just returned from the Buffet!" quipped Hamlet before laughing.
"Why you little!" Homer tried to strangle Hamlet but because he was an intangible ghost he couldn't.
Hamlet laughed at his misfortune.
"Ok be serious now. Son I've been murdered! Murdered!" said the ghost king.
"By whom?!" said Hamlet.
"By your uncle Claudius! He dripped poison in my ear!" We see this scene happening in a cloud. "Poison most foul!"
Hamlet was horrified.
"Avenge me! Avenge meeeeee!" Homer wailed.
"How?" Hamlet asked.
"I dunno. Surprise meeeee!" Homer as the king of Denmark flew away and slimed through Hamlet's wall.
"He really needs to stop doing that..." Hamlet sighed at the cartoon slime oozing down his wall.
Homer then slimed through the wall again to say one last thing. "Oh it's cold outside. You better put a sweater on. A sweater!" Homer wailed.
"Dad! I'm trying to sleep! Shouldn't you be haunting uncle Claudius?" Hamlet groaned.
"Oh yeah..." said Homer.
...
Prince Hamlet, portrayal by Bart, slipped a sweater or some sort of robe over his pyjamas and headed to the ramparts of the castle where his loyal guards.
"My Lord why are you awake at this hour?" said Horatio. A loyal friend and advisor of the late King.
"Uncle Claudius has murdered my father!" said Bart as Hamlet.
"Murdered?!" gasped Horatio.
"Murdered." said Hamlet.
"Your uncle and your father?" Horatio asked.
"Yes!" said Bart as Hamlet.
Also one of the guards is called Marcellus! No he did not look like a bitch!
"I should hope not! Mother fucker!" Samuel L Jackson yelled.
Hamlet winced.
"Anyway this raises all sorts of questions... like where were you guys when my uncle Claudius Murdered my father?" said Hamlet.
"Standing guard here. We couldn't have conceived that your uncle would do such a thing inside the castle." said Marcellus.
"We really need bed chamber guards..." said Bart as Hamlet.
"Why is it in several plays a king gets butchered in their bedroom?" Oscar outside the story asked frowning.
"I dunno, now zip it." said Homer.
Yeah there seems to be a theme of kings getting murdered...
Marcellus who is not a bitch stood guard with his colleague Bernardo. Which is also a charity trying to stop child cruelty.
"Who did nothing to help me!" Oscar snapped.
"Or me." said Hugo.
"Shut up..." said Homer annoyed.
"No you shut up!" Oscar snapped.
Back in the story Hamlet shrugged and went back to his room.
Elsewhere in the castle that night when everyone was sleeping Oscar as a noble was singing Hakuna Matata.
"Hakuna Matataaaaaa!"
"Shhhhhhh! People are sleeping!" said a guard.
"Oz stop referencing Disney's The Lion King!" Hugo groaned.
Oscar headed back to this room.
"Uh this play is about me, Prince Hamlet." said Bart as Hamlet.
"No it's about me! Laertes!" said Young Cecil Terwilliger as Laertes.
Hamlet face palmed.
"I just want to compare this play to The Lion King..." said Noble Oscar.
...
The next day Claudius and the Queen were watching a comedy by Krusty as the court jester. Bart as Hamlet was watching waiting for his queue to find some way to get Claudius Moe to admit his guilt.
"And if your ideal romantic weekend is kidnapping maidens and burning down a church? You might just be a Viking." said Krusty.
Everyone laughed. There was a Viking in the audience.
"Oh ho ho ho! That's what I get for sitting up front!" said the Viking. He set fire to a nearby table and kidnapped the ladies sitting at it. They screamed.
"(Queen Marge laughing) I love situation comedy!" said Queen of Denmark Marge.
Krusty then asked for a location and a job for his next performance.
"Be warned my performances are known to make people blurt out secrets." said Krusty.
Moe as Claudius got nervous and tried to leave. "I have terrible diarrhoea! Do you have diarrhoea?" he asked.
"Sit down!" said Marge.
Hamlet realised he had Claudius looking very nervous and guilty.
"Ah ha! Methinks the plays the thing! Where I'll capture the conscience of the king!" said Hamlet.
"What?!" said Claudius.
"That's a soliloquy! You're not supposed to hear that!" Hamlet explained.
"Okay I'll do a soliloquy. Note to self. Kill the kid." said Claudius.
Hamlet was horrified.
He decided to give Krusty his prompts because no one else was.
"This palace!" said Hamlet.
"And a job?" Krusty asked.
"Usurper of the throne!" said Hamlet.
"I heard usurper of the throne." said Krusty. "Let the play begin!"
Claudius gulped.
Krusty dressed as the king and slept on his throne. Mr Teeny dressed as the queen kissed him goodnight. Then Sideshow Mel came in with a big jug of ear poison.
"Wait! I didn't use that much poison!" Claudius yelled. Everyone including Hamlet gasped. "I mean I didn't use that much poise at tonight's feast and you're all invited!"
Everyone cheered.
Hamlet gasped. He ran up to a painting of his dead father. "Father you were right! Uncle Claudius did murder you!"
"Oh great... now Hamlet's talking to inanimate objects! Well no one out crazies Ophelia!" said Hamlet's sister Ophelia played by Lisa.
She started singing a silly song and dancing on the table ruining lunch by kicking the food everywhere and then finished her song by jumping in the moat.
...
That night when he was supposed to be sleeping Hamlet ran into the royal bedroom screaming and brandishing a sword.
"Hamlet! Why are you not in your pyjamas?! And why are you running into rooms screaming and holding a sword?!" Queen Marge scolded him.
"Sorry I'm just nervous after what uncle Claudius blurted out today." replied Hamlet. suddenly a curtain moved. "Wait! There's something behind the curtain!" He stabbed the curtains.
Chief Wiggum as a royal guard crawled out bloody and died.
"Why were you hiding there?!" Hamlet asked.
"I have a fear of being stabbed!" said Wiggum.
"Daddy's stomach is crying." said Ralph.
"Son you need to an extra big favour for me. Avenge my death!" said Wiggum. Then he died for real.
"Okay daddy!" said Ralph. "This is my mad face! Grrrr!"
"No Ralph! Please! I'm sorry!" said Hamlet.
"You boys can avenge tomorrow! Go to bed!" yelled Queen Marge.
...
Ralph went to his quarters but tipped over all the suits of armour. An axe from one of them decapitated Milhouse who was playing the role of Yorick.
In the morning Hamlet heard the news.
"Noooooooo! Yorick!" he cried holding Yorick's head. "Alas, I hardly knew him!"
Yorick/Milhouse was buried.
Hamlet then met Ralph and Claudius for their duels. Claudius was painting poison on the food.
"And he painted poison on us too so if Hamlet touches either of us he's dead!" said Carl. Carl and Lenny high fived each other and died.
"This is my angry face! Grrrrr!" said Ralph.
"Um yeah. That's cute." said Claudius.
Hamlet arrived.
"Okay... um Ralph gets one free hit." said Claudius.
"Fine..." Hamlet rolled his eyes.
"I kill myself!" said Ralph and he stabbed himself and died.
"Oh boy..." Claudius sighed.
("There's a lot of violence in this..." Marge sighed)
"Now there's nothing stopping me from killing you!" Hamlet yelled as he approached Claudius menacingly.
"How about some chicken? Or an apple?" Claudius tried to offer him poisoned food.
"This is for my father!" Hamlet yelled. He stabbed Claudius.
"I knew I should have dumped him in the wilderness to be raised by a talking warthog and meerkat..." Claudius said before dying.
"Woohoo! Now I'm king!" said Hamlet. However he slipped on the bloody floor. "Whoa! Bloody floor!" He fell and smacked his head on the hard floor and died.
The Queen saw the mess.
"Well, I'm not cleaning this mess up!" She killed herself with one smack of a mace and died.
The end!
In the present.
"For a story where everyone died that was so boring!" Bart groaned.
"Yeah but it was made into the best movie ever!" said Homer. "Ghostbusters!"
The Ghostbusters theme played and everyone started dancing.
Oscar tried to correct them that Hamlet has nothing to do with the plot of Ghostbusters but gives up and joins in the dancing.
The end!