Is the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Ghosts characters art? No. No it isn't. Just more fun and frolics from my tiny little deranged mind.

Birdbaths And Bad Art

"What is this?" Isaac asked. The ghosts were watching Sam and Jay set something up in the backyard.

"The latest improvement for our B&B!" Sam said excitedly. "We got a birdbath!"

"And it was on sale!" Jay spoke up as he finished placing it down. "Now to fill this baby up and then our feathered friends will have a nice place to take a bath."

Isaac quipped. "Yes, people will be flocking to our home to watch birds you can see anywhere in a tiny little plastic tub you can get at a store."

"First of all, it's not plastic," Sam corrected. "It's made of cast iron. And we got it from a garden store."

"On sale!" Jay grinned. "Apparently, they overstocked and had this huge sale on birdbaths! Oh, and the garden store is going out of business. But their foreclosing is our gain!"

"Profiting from others' misfortune," Hetty remarked. "You two are becoming more like true Woodstones every day! Well done!"

"People can look out the window and watch the birds," Sam said happily. "It's a nice homey touch that will make our B&B more comfortable!"

"To birds," Hetty looked at Sam. "That don't pay any money."

"The ghosts are loving it," Sam said to Jay.

"No, we're not," Alberta remarked.

"We didn't say anything remotely like that," Sasappis added.

"Does she do that a lot?" Nigel asked Isaac.

"Lie to Jay about what we say?" Isaac asked. "Yes!"

"They really think your idea for the birdbath is a good one," Sam added.

"She did it again!" Nigel gasped.

"Told you," Isaac groaned.

"She really is becoming more like a Woodstone," Hetty remarked.

"Well, I think it will be fun," Pete said cheerfully. "Birdwatching is a fun activity we can all do!"

"Pass," Sasappis waved. "I watched birds for over two hundred years and I just couldn't take it anymore. Watching the same birds year after year. Okay maybe every fifty years I'd see a different type of crane or a bald eagle flying by but…Nope. Not getting on that ride to nowhere again!"

"On the other hand, anything different about our afterlives is good," Alberta spoke up. "God that's pathetic."

"This isn't the only new thing that will be on the grounds," Sam explained. "This town is hosting a major art festival. Local artists will be displaying their works all over town. Sculptures. Paintings. And for the next week Woodstone Mansion will be one of them!"

"Really?" Flower perked up. "That's groovy Sam!"

Hetty nodded. "Yes, it's about time Woodstone Mansion was the center of art and culture once again!"

Trevor looked at her. "It was?"

Hetty gave him a look. "Yes Trevor! Before the bootlegging and the parties and the God-awful night you arrived, Woodstone Mansion was looked upon as a place of high class and beauty. In my day when we threw a party, we only invited the most top-notch artists and entertainers. We had opera singers and ballet dancers perform for us. Classically trained painters for our family portraits. Professional sculptors for our statues which we put in our lovingly sculpted gardens. I remember we once had a string quartet play the loveliest music for our guests as they strolled among the grounds."

"Don't forget the sex parties Elias threw," Thorfinn added. "Those were really fun!"

"Especially the time he invited that circus," Sasappis added.

"Uggghhh…" Hetty winced. "That was the only time Elias wanted me out of the house. Hetty dear, I think you should go visit your aunt by the shore for the weekend. And take the children with you. Ugh…Like I didn't know what he was planning!"

"That's horrible," Sam said.

"Not really," Hetty admitted. "The last few years of our marriage I was visiting relatives almost every weekend. And some of them I actually liked!"

"I remember some of those parties," Nigel remarked. "Two acrobats snuck into the shed and did things I didn't think were physically possible! It was very educational."

"This art exhibit will be amazing!" Sam grinned. "And best of all, we can finally get rid of the stigma of the dead body in the lake! No offense Trevor."

"None taken," Trevor shrugged. "I can see how that might affect business."

"Yeah, like the repeal of Prohibition affected the Woodstone's bootlegging business," Alberta nodded. "That income dried up real fast!"

Hetty nodded. "Those were hard times. My family had to fall back on shady business deals, blackmail, and land fraud."

The following day Sasappis saw Trevor and Pete looking out the window. "What are you two doing?"

"Watching the birds in the birdbath," Pete said. "This is nice!"

Trevor nodded. "So far, we saw a couple of sparrows, a fat robin and a cardinal! It's really cute how they splash around."

"Oh, a Chirpy Chirp Bird," Sasappis nodded. "I've been hanging around Thorfinn way too long."

Flower walked through the walls. "Come on guys! The art guy is here!"

"All right!" Trevor grinned. "This should be good!"

"You're just hoping the art is some kind of nude female sculpture," Sasappis looked at Trevor. "Wait so do I! Come on!"

"Guys!" Pete protested as they left. "Then again…" He followed them. "If my wife can cheat on me, the least I should get is looking at a statue!"

Soon the ghosts as well as Sam and Jay were gathered on the lawn of the mansion. Several trucks had arrived and people were unloading covered statues. "This is exciting!" Pete said happily. "It's like we're here at the opening of a museum!"

"Please have some nudes," Trevor crossed his fingers. "Please have some nudes!"

"Seriously Trev?" Alberta looked at him.

"The human body is a beautiful form!" Trevor protested. "I mean there might be some guy nudes too!"

"Oh okay," Alberta remarked.

"That's acceptable," Isaac nodded.

"In the interest of equality and all…" Nigel added.

"I'm down with it," Flower nodded.

"Please have some male nudes," Hetty crossed her fingers. "Please have some male nudes."

"Oh boy…" Sam rolled her eyes.

A young man with long hair in a ponytail walked over to them. "You must be Joaquin Alvarez the artist," Sam said. "Welcome to Woodstone Mansion!"

"Thank you," Joaquin shook hands with Sam and Jay. "It's great to see businesses supporting local arts!"

"We're very excited to see your art," Sam told him.

"Very excited," Jay nodded.

"Well, I take my inspiration from my family and my culture," Joaquin said proudly. "This particular collection celebrates The Day of the Dead!"

"The what now?" Isaac blinked.

"Oh my…" Sam's eyes widened as she saw the sculptures being unveiled.

"Wow," Jay blinked. "Just…Wow!"

"I've heard of this," Trevor realized as several sculptures of brightly colored skeletons wearing colorful outfits were revealed. "It's like Mexican Halloween, but not Halloween. It's where you honor your dead relatives by placing good smelling food on altars with their pictures on it and telling stories about them and throwing a party!"

"Seriously?" Alberta asked. "Why don't we celebrate that holiday?"

"That does sound like an improvement over Halloween," Hetty realized. "Especially last Halloween!"

"So…" Pete blinked at the sculptures. "There are now skeletons all over our lawn?"

Alberta blinked. "Yeah, that will really make people forget the body in the lake."

"Wow," Sam said with fake enthusiasm she hoped would be construed as real. "They're really something! Really something. When they told us you were a sculptor…I was not expecting this!"

"I know," Joaquin said proudly. His phone rang. "Oh, it's my agent. Hang on, I'll take this." He walked away to have some privacy.

"Unbelievable…" Jay looked at the colorful skeletons. "Simply…Unbelievable."

"Okay when I said nude…" Trevor blinked as the ghosts looked at the sculptures. "I didn't mean that nude!"

"To be fair most of the skeletons are wearing clothes," Pete remarked. "Brightly colored clothes."

Sam groaned. "Oh my God…"

Jay groaned. "This took a turn."

"Wow Sam," Sasappis blinked. "When your plans backfire, they really backfire!"

"I mean we all knew it wasn't going to end well," Hetty added. "But not like…not like…"

"Complete and total disaster," Thorfinn ended her sentence. "That would shame family and Woodstone for generations."

"Yes!" Hetty nodded her head. "That!"

"Oh Jay…" Sam looked at the sculptures. "We can't have this on our lawn!"

"Yeah, the neighbors might get an idea someone died here," Alberta said sarcastically.

"We have to cancel this whole thing," Sam groaned.

"We can't!" Jay told her. "One we need the money. Two, if we say anything people will complain that we're racist or something. And three…We need the money!"

"He's right," Pete sighed. "We've already had one group of protestors at the mansion this year, we don't need another!"

"We're just going to have to ride it out," Jay sighed. "Maybe people will have a sense of humor over the whole thing?"

"Honestly livings nowadays get picky over the stupidest things," Hetty remarked. "In my day if one didn't want skeletons or Irishmen on their lawn they just threw them out and no one said a word!"

"Hetty I'm pretty sure people didn't just have Irishmen on their lawn!" Sam snapped. "Or actual skeletons!"

"Actually, there were a few incidents…" Isaac admitted.

"SHUT UP!" Hetty snapped.

"Irishmen on the lawn?" Jay blinked.

"Hetty…I don't know. I don't want to know," Sam groaned. "You're right. We just have to pretend we're happy and have a sense of humor about this and not say anything."

"So basically, your plan is to be a doormat?" Hetty asked sharply. "So much for modern women!"

"Sam, I think you're looking at this all wrong," Flower spoke up. "The Day of the Dead is about family and love! People will look at this and think about their loved ones! Who are dead!"

"Like Trevor?" Sasappis asked. "Whose body was found in the lake not even 2 weeks ago?"

"Yes!" Flower grinned. "Oh wait…That might not be so good for business."

"YOU THINK?" Sam and the other ghosts shouted.

Flower blinked. "Hang on. A lot of livings don't like staying at places where people died. These statues could remind people of that! Oohh…That's not good!"

"The last horse finally crosses the finish line," Isaac groaned. "Way, way, way behind the others."

"Good lord," Nigel remarked. "Is she always…?"

"Yes," The other ghosts said as one.

"Joaquin is coming back," Jay pointed. "Just pretend to be happy."

"Okay," Sam put on a convincing smile.

"Ooh that's a good fake smile," Hetty remarked.

Trevor told her. "It's the same one she uses whenever Jay talks about some nerd movie he wants to watch on TV."

"Oh yes," Hetty nodded.

"I thought I recognized that smile," Sasappis remarked.

"Excuse me," Joaquin walked over to them. "Uh I just got off the phone with my agent. He just informed me somebody died here?"

Sam sighed. "Yes, about two weeks ago they fished out the body of Trevor Lefkowitz who died over twenty years ago out of our pond. We had the memorial service here."

"It was a nice affair," Jay added. "Tara Reid showed up."

"Wait another person died on this property?" Joaquin gasped.

"That's not the death you were talking about?" Sam asked. "I'm surprised you didn't know that one."

"It was on the news!" Jay remarked.

"I don't watch the news!" Joaquin told him. "It bums me out! I was referring to the other violent death on the property!"

"He means me!" Alberta gasped.

"You mean the murder of Alberta Haynes the Jazz singer?" Sam asked.

"Murder?" Joaquin gasped. "She died here too?"

"What do you mean died here too?" Alberta said indignantly. "And just as I was saying the words…"

"I know, right?" Trevor remarked.

"I do a podcast on her death trying to solve the mystery," Sam explained. "I'm guessing you don't listen to podcasts either."

"Not about murders!" Joaquin snapped. "What part of bumming me out are you confused by? Core concept?"

"You must be talking about Flower," Sam began. "I mean Susan Montero. She was that hippie who robbed a bank and then died of a bear attack in the 60's. It was on that TV show Dumb Deaths."

"I don't watch dumb programs!" Joaquin snapped. "I meant the other-other violent death!"

"Well Pete's death was an accident," Sam spoke up. "We think."

"Who is Pete?" Joaquin gasped.

"Pete Martino?" Jay suggested. "Accidentally got killed during an archery instruction lesson with his Pine Scout Troop?"

"NO!" Joaquin shouted. "I meant the other-other-other violent death!"

"Well, it can't be my Aunt Sophie's death," Sam said. "She died peacefully of old age."

"It's not her I was talking about!" Joaquin snapped.

"Maybe he means Crash?" Trevor realized. "Where is that guy anyway?"

"We saw his body wandering around months ago," Thorfinn admitted. "Haven't seen his head in a while."

"Like almost two years," Pete realized. "That's a bit longer than normal."

"Are you referring to the gang member who was decapitated in the fifties?" Sam asked.

"WHAT?" Joaquin gasped.

"Or maybe not?" Jay groaned.

"We really should go look for his head," Pete remarked.

Sam guessed. "Captain Isaac Higgintoot? But he died of dysentery so…Or are you referring to the minor skirmish during the Revolutionary War where some British soldiers died?"

"The what now?" Joaquin asked.

"I think he means the chainsaw murders," Jay winced.

"CHAINSAW MURDERS?" Joaquin gasped.

"There was an incident in the 80's…" Sam began. "Okay why don't you tell me what specific violent death you heard about and we can explain it?"

Joaquin glared at her. "The guy who jumped without a parachute!"

"Oh, Bob!" Sam realized.

"Bob! That's right! Bob!" The ghosts remarked. "Of course!"

"I forgot about that guy," Flower remarked.

"Me too," Pete admitted. "Then again he's not really one of the group so…"

"Oh Squirrel Guy," Jay remarked. "I mean the guy was squirrely…"

"Even more than he was in life," Isaac quipped.

"He was on drugs," Sam explained. "A lot of drugs. It was a coincidence he died here."

"Sad, sad coincidence," Jay nodded. "Seriously the man should have definitely put on a parachute first before taking those drugs. Just saying."

"So, you're saying," Joaquin asked. "All these people died on this property? Are people aware of this?"

"Pretty much yes," Sam nodded.

"Oh no…" Joaquin looked around. "No, no, no…"

"Okay so there's a slight sense of irony about your art," Sam admitted. "At least in this particular location."

"My art has nothing to do with irony! My art is life affirming!" Joaquin snapped. "I can't have it shown in a place like this! People will get the wrong idea!"

He looked at the sculptures. "Oh God. I'm getting the wrong idea and I made the sculptures!"

He called out to the men near some truck. "Hey guys! Change of plans! Wrap them up and put them back on the truck! We're going back to the studio! Come on! Back to the studio!"

"What?" Sam and Jay said as one.

"He's putting the skeletons back on truck," Thorfinn spoke up. "That is what Thorfinn got from sentence. Very easy to understand really."

"No offense," Joaquin told them. "But I can't have my art associated with this place! It would ruin my reputation!"

"But we were paid to host…" Jay began.

"Keep the money!" Joaquin told him. "It was from a government grant anyway! I can get a dozen of those easy! COME ON! PUT THEM BACK ON THE TRUCK!"

"See?" Isaac remarked as the sculptures were loaded up on the trucks again. "Problem solved."

"Too bad," Flower said. "They really are cool sculptures."

"Yes, Thorfinn may not know much about art," Thorfinn admitted. "But Thorfinn knows what he likes. Skeletons remind Thorfinn of festival my tribe once had. We decorated town square with skeletons and body parts of Danes. Very festive!"

It wasn't long before the trucks were loaded up and were moving out. "Well…That worked out," Jay told Sam. "I mean we did get paid right?"

"Yeah, I don't think we'll be doing that again," Sam groaned as she and Jay went inside the house.

Thorfinn shrugged. "Some people just don't get art."

"Well, that killed about twenty minutes of eternity," Isaac remarked. "Now what?"

A bird flew down on the ground before them. "Oh look!" Pete said cheerfully. "A little bluebird! Cute little guy!"

"Huh," Sasappis thought. "I haven't seen one of those in a long time."

"It's such a pretty shade of blue," Flower spoke up.

"Very cute," Thorfinn nodded.

The little bird flew into the trees. "Oh, there it goes," Nigel remarked.

"You know?" Sasappis thought aloud. "We could get Sam and Jay to put up a few birdhouses. We could watch the birds go in and out."

"When was the last time we saw a birdhouse around here?" Hetty asked. "I can't remember."

"It was right around the time David was a kid," Alberta remarked. "I remember because he had to make one for his cub scout troop. It lasted about a year before it fell apart. Never got one bird."

"We should definitely get some birdhouses," Sasappis said. "Preferably ones made reasonably well. Maybe put one near the birdbath?"

"That's not a bad idea," Isaac said. "Oh, we still have the birdbath! We can watch that for a little bit! Come on troops!"

"Oh, maybe we'll see that fat robin again?" Trevor suggested.

"Or Chirpy Chirp Bird!" Thorfinn called out.

"Damn it," Sasappis grumbled as he went with the other ghosts. "I'm back on the birds again. I hate my afterlife."