Hank Rutherford Hill took a long sip of his beer and sighed as a breeze blew through the thin material of his white cotton t-shirt.
As usual he was standing in an alley drinking but although the circumstances were similar the environment was wildly amiss. Instead of his warm comfortable home in Texas he was currently in a dingy alley in New Jersey, a place with proximity to New York that unnerved him to no end.
He let out an unsettled sigh and shivered. Whether it was from the chill or the mere thought of New York would be anyone's guess.
The smell of grilling burgers wafted through the alley from the back door of the building behind him bringing him back to his comfort zone.
Across from him he could see a three story orange brick building that he knew was some kind of business, what kind, he was told changed on an almost weekly basis, the location and the eccentric foppish landlord caused most people to grow frustrated and move elsewhere.
Currently it was a Soup place named Incredibowl. Apparently last week it was a vaccume repair place named We suck.
He ruminated for a moment on the possibility that the fault for the neighbors storefront failing could also be the annoying business names.
That's one of the many things he appreciated about the place behind him.
The owners name was Bob.
He sold Burgers.
The place was named Bob's Burgers.
No frills, no fuss, just good honest burgers from a good honest man. And though Bob could have a penchant for these terrible types of puns, he was mostly just a hardworking man who made a damn good burger. Speaking of which…
Hank turned back to the door just in time to see Bob bringing out two burgers, a beer for himself tucked under his arm.
The smell of beef cooked on clean burning propane was something he would always appreciate no matter how long he'd been retired.
He grabbed his burger from Bob, offering him a quick nod and the word "Yep" as a thank you.
"How are the boys doin?" Hank asked, taking a bite of the oversized burger. It wasn't half bad, Bob had called this one "Smoke em if you got em" on the menu board. The rich flavor of smoked cheddar, BBQ sauce, and brisket was a welcome reminder of home.
"Gene's still in there manning the grill til close but Rob isn't back yet." Bob answered as he fumbled with his own burger.
At this Hank couldn't help but smile. When Bobs son Gene and Hanks son Bobby started dating, Gene had a bit of a crisis about both his father and boyfriend being called "Bobby", especially by Linda in that lilting sing-song tone she used.
He called it a "Oedipal Freudian nightmare". So his son decided to start calling himself Rob or Robert to make things feel less awkward. "It makes me sound more grown up anyway. People won't hire a boy in short pants named Bobby." He said in a frankly refreshing display of maturity.
Bob held up his beer to Hank and he gingerly clicked his own beer against it, the sound sharply echoing through the alley.
"To 5 years of our kids being married." Bob smiled, beer sloshing out of the glass bottle. "And to many more."
"Yep" Hank shifted awkwardly. "You know… I don't want to…you know… emotions and such. But you raised a damn fine boy. And I'm glad they ended up together."
"You raised a great kid too. Rob has a good head on his shoulders and he's a hardworking responsible guy. You should be proud."
Hank smiled staring down into the amber liquid of his drink, blinking away a hint of a tear. He did grow into an amazing man. Hank had a lot of trouble acknowledging that his son was gay for a long time but he never loved him any less for it. He was strong willed, kind hearted, and hard headed, just like his mother.
There were a lot of things that made that boy not right, buying a unicycle, investing in some kinda imaginary internet money, dying his hair green that one time. But him falling in love, working his ass off, and wanting to raise a family with a man like Gene, well, that was quite alright in Hanks book no matter what.
"Did you uh…you know…did you always know Gene was gay?" Hank mumbled, barely able to form the sentence.
"It was a huge surprise! I know my boy and honestly I actually though he was gonna transition."
"Transition? Oh you mean with all the uh… the uh pronouns and uh… genders?"
Bob laughed at Hanks nervous expression. "Him being a gay boy was more of a surprise than if he just showed up here as a woman one day. Me and Lin took bets on how long it would take him to finally come out. Gene loved wigs and makeup and dresses. He used to call himself a woman all the time. I guess he just settled into who he was over time and that turned out to be a cis gay man who loves drag. What about you? Did you know about Rob?"
"Well I suspected something was different. The boy always had interests in stuff I didn't understand. He's always been very…liberal. I never though of him being one of those bisexuals or whatever you call em. But it was never that big a surprise, especially after those boys met. Them getting married just… well it made sense."
They both thought about that first meeting. It was one of Linda's favorite stories.
The Hills were in New Jersey for a week checking out a college Bobby was interested in despite his father's protests.
They stopped by the resteraunt for lunch, and while Linda and Peggy immediately hit it off chatting about fashionable glasses and Hank spoke with the owner Bob about his propane supplier, Bobby had immediately gained the attention of the two teen girls cleaning the booths.
As Bobby hiked up his shorts and put on his best old man voice geriatrically rambling "What are you talking about???" The snickers from the girls held no candle to the gasp of excitement from the teen boy behind the counter.
Gene Belcher took one look at this silly teen boy pretending to be an elderly man and whispered "I'm gonna marry that grandpa." Just loud enough that Linda heard it. And that was all it took.
She insisted Gene play a song he wrote on his keyboard for Bobby, and Bobby not missing a beat made up a song about burgers that made Gene's heart skip a beat. The boys had been together ever since. Visiting back and forth over summer breaks, going to community college together, Bobby applying for and getting the job as a USDA meat inspector not too far from the restaurant. And finally the two getting married after Gene took over the restaurant as full time owner.
Two truly kindred spirits destined to intertwine. Or at least that's what Linda always says when she finishes the story.
The two men stood in the alley sipping their beers and beaming with pride. "Glad I met ya Bob. Even if I had to be this close to New York for it."
"Glad I met you too Hank. Even if I have to bribe you to visit everytime with burgers and beer." A jingle resonates from the front door inside punctuating his sentence. "Sounds like Rob's home, let's give the kids some space. Come on upstairs, I think the Wonderdogs game is on."
Hank scrunches up his face in concern "What in god's name is a wonderdog."
"Baseball"
"Well now you're speaking my language."
"Well well, it's not often a handsome stranger comes into the restaurant. What can I get you hot stuff? A burger? A beer? A me?"Gene leans over the counter, his glass of wine sloshing over onto the floor in front of him .
His short scruffy beard is slightly dripping wine and his apron is half off revealing a slightly grease stained yellow t-shirt. He attempts to reach up and offer the glass to his husband but his short stocky body has equally short stocky arms that can't quite reach.
Bobby… Robert Hill laughs and snatches the glass from his husband pulling him into a kiss. The sweet dusky red wine lingers on their lips.
"Sorry I'm so late gorgeous, didn't mean to leave you with a box of red all by yourself. I got stuck sending out an order of whole beef carcasses that I was told were for a big family BBQ but I think Mr. Fishoeder is doing some kinda weird crime again."
He smiles, settling into one of the counter seats. "How have you been? Had fun entertaining the old men?"
Gene sighs and comes around the counter, slipping into a seat next to Rob.
"Oh you know, the usual. Making your dad a bunch of burgers so he doesn't die of depression. He has the worst time being anywhere other than Texas. Marshmellow and her friends came to invite us to the club tonight and your father almost had a heart attack."
Robert snort laughed so hard a little wine shot out his nose. "Oh God, I wish I could have been here for that. I had a tough time being allowed to even have my own pride flag growing up, a full day with Marshmallow would kill that man."
"But our moms on the other hand…" Gene continued.
"Oh no, what did they do?"
"Well, Miss Peggy and Miss Linda decided to go down to the club with Marshmellow to help set up for the show tonight. They were absolutely thrilled to help." Gene winked, wryly snatching back the glass of wine and finishing it himself.
"So right now our moms are drunk as skunks partying at a drag club? Honestly I would be disappointed if it was anything less." Rob picked up the empty wine glass and headed into the kitchen for a replacement. He dug through the fridge for a moment before excitedly yelling out to Gene. "You didn't tell me my dad brought Alimo's!"
"A taste of Texas for my tasty texan!" Gene lilted from the takeout window.
Rob comes out happily brandishing two of the familiar drinks, passing one to Gene and gleefully cracking his own open on the counter.
Gene cringed for a moment as he examined the beverage. "I'm glad you like these honey but are we really gonna spend the night pounding brewskies like a couple of straights?"
"No" Rob smiled mischievously. "Were gonna gossip for a while and then were gonna go join our moms and Marshmellow for some loud drunk singing. I know you've been dying to bring Burger Onda Grille back out."
Gene gasped hearing the name of his drag persona. "She hasn't had a chance to shine in months."
"Well, would the lady like to come out to dance tonight?"
"Ok fine, you sure know the way to a Gene's heart."
"Through his elaborate closet full of costumes and gowns naturally."
"Alright let's start with the gossip. Gimme the goods meat man."
"Guess who called me today?" Rob teases, a wild glint in his eye.
"Connie probably? Is she still with that saxophone girl she met at Julliard?"
"Yeah, apparently she and Lisa eloped a month ago. They've started some kind of bluegrass jazz fusion project. It sounds….interesting? Its definitely music."
"Oh good for them, we love to see the lesbians thriving. Sooo… was it Joseph?"
"No he's in roswell doing something he only described as classified. That could either be a vacation or a federal crime. Either way, it's not my business. I actually heard from RSR."
"Regular Sized Rudy?!?! That regular sized bitch! Why didn't he call me?!"
"Louise got in some trouble in Vegas and he didn't want you to worry about them so he called me instead."
"Louise is my sweet little chaotic demon baby. There's literally nothing she could do that would upset me enough to not help. What did she do? Card shark? Pool shark? Jump into a pool full of cards and sharks?"
"She punched a man in the face and Rudy needed to bail her out of prison."
Gene narrowed his eyes knowingly."Was it the tattoo again?"
Robby sighed and rolled his eyes "You know good and God damn well it was the tattoo."
Louise is an avid tattoo aficionado and has gotten several very beautiful pieces, including one in memorium of her late grandmother with the pink rabbit ears she wore in honor of her as a child surrounded by the words "Don't touch the ears, I'll punch you in the face." On her back.
Louis, being a very accomplished MMA fighter, rarely punches people outside of work. It's an "on the clock" activity. But anyone who touches the tattoo is an immediate exception.
Rob continued "After a match in Vegas some idiot fan thought it would be funny to run up and slap the tattoo, and she responded by knocking out 3 of his teeth. I think he was just excited to say he got hit by THE Louise Belcher, he even asked for an autograph afterwards. He wanted her to sign the teeth! Even the bail was basically just a formality for the cops."
"Didn't want me to worry. Didn't want me to say I told you so is what he meant. Lemme guess, she called Tina first?"
Robby nods, "She didn't pick up since she had a book signing. Volume 3 of 'Undead Lovers, Beating Hearts' dropped today."
Gene finishes his beer and leans back in his chair "In that case I'm more mad my pre-orders for the book weren't delivered today."
Tina's book series was wildly popular especially with tween girls in their awkward stage. Gene has a tradition of buying a ton of copies of her books before they sell out and giving them away as Christmas gifts.
He also always sends copies to Tinas husbands Jimmy Junior and Zeke in case they can't make it to the signing. Due to JJ's hectic schedule as a backup dancer and Zeke's schedule as talent management for both JJ and Tina they don't always have time to attend the book signings in person. But JJ and Zeke read each and every book together the day they come out like clockwork and call Tina excited about discussing the story.
He smiled thinking of how proud he was of both his sisters " You know what, as long as Louise is fine I guess that's all that matters. I won't give Rudy a hard time about it and I'll give her a call tomorrow to check up. Speaking of checking up on sisters, how's Louanne?"
Robby snorts "Technically cousin. And shes still a puppet themed televangelist, still popping out kids. She just had another one. She named her Clover, cute as a damn button."
Gene laughed,"Lucky number 7 from a man named Lucky. That kids gonna be a ringer at the Blackjack tables."
" No more lucky than you my rainbow marshmellow."
Gene lets out a snorting laugh "I'm charmed."
Robby reaches a hand across the counter and lightly bows "Well my darling you got the gossip you wanted, ready to put on your burger wig and tear it up at the drag club with our drunk moms?"
Gene daintily grasps his husband's hand and courtesies "My dearest love, you had me at burger wig."
Robby pulls his husband in for a kiss and the stay there for a moment just embracing each other in the dimming fluorescent light of the old restaurant. Gene's head resting on bobbys broad shoulders."Genie, I love you more than anything in the world, and there's no one I would rather drink beer and eat Cheeseburgers with."
"I love you too, big tex and there's no one I would rather share my awful drunk pickup lines with." Gene looks up at his husband with pleading puppy dog eyes.
Rob sighs,"Fine, but just one before we leave."
"Those hands are like a card game in Texas, cuz I wanna holdem." Gene grinned ear to ear.
"I give it 8/10."
"Ooh that's a new high, I'm gonna think of some more on the way. C'mon let's call an Uber. I think Andy and Ollie are driving tonight and they argue about twin stuff the whole trip. I dream of the day they finally stop the car and slap fight in the street."
"You know what I dream of?" Rob interjects slyly.
Gene thinks for a moment."That they'll bring back that rib eating challenge at Sugarfoots BBQ?"
"Well…that too I guess, but mostly I dream of Genie"
Gene feigned a gasp "Turnabout huh? 9/10, very well played."
Robby laughs, holding open the front door for his husband. "This is gonna be a weird night."
"Every night with us is." Gene smiles. "As a matter of fact when we get to the club I'm gonna get you a Wunderdog."
Rob scrunches up his face in concern.
"What in god's name is a Wunderdog?"
"A cocktail with a cocktail weenie in it!"
"Well now you're speaking my language." Robby turns off the lights and locks the door to the restaurant as they head out into the night for a couple more drinks.