The Cauldron has never been easy to get into. That's kinda the point. You don't want random Mundanes wandering in and out and clogging up the works, but I swear that it had never been this difficult. I just wanted to check out the Charms that gave access to The Alleys. When I saw the gawpers I wished I'd done the sensible thing and gone by fireway.
A few months back I had managed to get into another pair of hidden Alleys. They were in The City and had been closed for decades. The trouble was that hardly anyone else could get in and out of them. There had been at least two access points, one of which had been in a building that had been demolished. The question was: did the reconstruction of 70 St Mary Axe destroy access to the Alleys? or was there some residual Charm there that could be repaired? I'm not a portal specialist and I had no idea what the Charms were like. I had to look, really look, at the Charms in the Cauldron. I then had to look closely at the wall in the coffee shop in St Mary Axe and see if there was anything there.
The difficulty was in threading my way through the crowd of gawping Mundanes, standing around, trying to work out where it was, looking for a small shop with an unfeasibly large number of strangely dressed people going in and out but not buying anything. Rowling has a lot to answer for and the impossibility of getting a quiet drink without the hassle of using a fireway is but one of them.
In the end I had to use a redirection charm, but I had to move fast because I can only keep them up for about ten seconds.
The pub was empty, except for the barman, disconsolately polishing a tankard.
'Afternoon, Stan,' I said. 'Run off your feet, I see.'
'Oh! Hi, Mr Corner,' said he. 'Yeah. These afternoon rushes always take me by surprise. What can I do you for?'
'I'm not really here for a drink,' I said. He looked so crestfallen that I stopped. 'Actually,' I said, 'I'll have a glass of Chazurelle, if I may.'
'Certainly, sir,' he said, straightening up. 'We've got a bottle of the '18 open. Would that suit?'
'Sounds good. I'm just going to have a look at the Portal,' I said and put some change on the counter.
'Err, yes,' he said, looking doubtful. 'I'll bring it out to you,'
I wondered what the problem with the Portal but the answer became clear soon enough: there was already someone doing exactly the same thing.
One Emma Daines, who worked at The Ministry. I recognised her rear view. I knew her from previous acquaintance and didn't mind in the least seeing her again.
She, on the other hand, turned and looked at me, slightly guiltily.
'Ah. Hello, Mike,' she said.
'Are we on the same mission?'
'Err, I don't know,' she said. 'What mission are you on?'
'Inspecting the bricks,' I said. 'It looks like that's what you're doing.'
'I was wondering how this works,' she said. 'It's new Alleys. I wondered whether there were any clues here about getting into them.'
'I don't know. I was wondering that, myself.
'I wondered whether they were anything like this,' she said.
'I know they're blocked off,' I said. 'The portal was demolished and I only got in by accident. I'm actually on the same mission as you. Why do you want to get in?'
'Just curious,' she shrugged. I didn't believe her. She was with the Ministry.
A tall wizard with a cauliflower ear came out of the pub and paused when he saw us. 'Can I get through, okay?' he said.
'Sure,' I said, giving him a sunny smile. 'We were just admiring the scenery.'
He gave me a funny look and tapped the triggerstones with his wand. The stones wriggled out of sight and reappeared after he had stepped through. I ran my hands over them as they rematerialized and tapped them when they were fully in place. They were completely solid.
I could see the Charms seething under the surface of the bricks, waiting to be activated. I ran my hands over them again with my eyes shut to get the texture, and they felt like a bag of snakes writhing under my touch, waiting to be released.
'Here's your wine, sir,' said Stan. 'Would you like me to bring a table?'
He materialized a glass topped table and put the put the wine down on it.
'Can I tempt you to a glass of wine?' I asked Emma.
She stared at the glass. 'I've never seen blue wine before,' she said.
I took that as a 'Yes'. 'Another glass, Stan, if you could,' I said. 'It's very nice,' I said. 'Chazurelle. Made by the elves. Or les elves, I suppose, as they're French.'
'But you've actually been into the new Alleys?' she said, sounding slightly fangirl. She had a tendency to think that I was more famous and important than I was. Not that I minded her thinking that way, but I like to keep myself grounded.
'Yeah. I sort of discovered them, or rediscovered them,' I said. 'There was a bunch of people who were already in there, who got stuck back in the seventies.'
'Gosh! Weren't they really old, then? After all that time?'
'I think they went into a sort of stasis when the portals are shut,' I said, 'and only woke up and aged a bit when they're open. Nigel – thing – you know, the wannabe politician. He was one of the people stuck but he managed to sneak out from time to time, but I don't think the rest of them have aged at all.'
'I know him,' she said with distaste. 'That would explain why he has such seventies views, I guess. How did he get out'?
'There's a weak point,' I admitted. 'He can use it and I can most of the time. But no-one else seems to be able to manage it and most people can't even see it.'
'What do you think of this?' she nodded at the portal and jumped back when a short witch with green hair came through.
'Startled you, dearie?' she cackled. She looked at me. 'You want to be careful with that one,' she told Emma. 'He knows far too much.'
'Do I?' I said.
'Does he?' said Emma simultaneously.
The witch cackled again. 'Though he doesn't know it,' she said and shuffled into The Cauldron.
'I think someone doesn't spend much time in Mundania,' said Emma.
'Probably lives in a gingerbread house and eats children.'
'I doubt it,' said Emma. 'The old Crone used to say they're terribly indigestible. I think she was joking,' she added.
We finished our wine and parted, her for her office, and me for a quick cup of coffee in the coffee shop at 70 St Mary Axe. I sat with my back to the wall where I thought the portal had been and, surreptitiously, ran my hands over the surface. There were fragments of magic in there, all right. I could feel the same snakey writhing, but it wasn't smooth. It was all jumps and jerks and the magic wasn't continuous. I could feel loose ends thrashing around, whereas the spell behind The Cauldron had felt like one huge convoluted serpent.
How could one possibly mend something like that?
When I got back to base, there was a name up on the Appointments Board that had not been there when I had set out for Charing Cross Road.
'Where did that come from?' I asked Maisie.
'It's a Certification,' she said. 'Short notice. I said you and Terry and Portius were out, and Mr Gorbentius is in a meeting all afternoon. He said he'd wait.'
'What's the name?' I said squinting at the board.
'It's 'Green-something,' she said. 'He's a bit indistinct.'
'He's not a ghost, is he?' Ghosts don't need Certificating.
'No. He's solid enough, but a bit green, you know?'
'Appropriate,' I murmured and picked up a Certification pack from behind the desk.
Certification is one of the most boring processes in the world, but we have to do it and, as Mr Gorbentius pointed out, it is a nice little earner. Mr Green-whatever wanted a presence in the Mundane world and for that he needed documents. Certification provided him with said documents but we had to make up the details of a suitably mundane Mundane story.
'Good afternoon,' I said cheerily, shaking him by the hand. He only had one. 'Sorry to keep you waiting.'
'No worries,' he rumbled. He sounded like a Hollywood idea of an East End heavy.
'Now. How do you spell your name?'
' L,' he said.
I looked up. 'Just Grendel?' I said. 'No first name or family name?'
He grunted. 'Trollson?' he suggested.
'I don't think we can run with that,' I said. 'We have to find something a bit more Mundane, or they get twitchy. How about 'Johnson'?'
'Yeah. No worries,' he said again. 'I just made it up. Never needed one before.'
'How old do you want to be?'
'If I can make it to two thousand I'll be 'appy,' he said.
'No, I mean how old do you want to be on your birth certificate? You look about, what? late thirties?'
'Late thirties, yeah,' he said like it was some private joke. 'Late thirties is good.'
'Excuse me asking,' I said, hoping I didn't sound like a fanboy. 'But are you THE Grendel?'
'Yeah,' he said. 'One of a kind.'
'Only the stories said you were killed.'
'Stories feckin' lied, didn't they. Lost me arm, though,' he said. 'Got out to, I dunno, Scotland, I guess. Yeah. Been livin' in Loch Ness, a bit, 'cept now it's full of tourists. Bloody bearded bloke gakked me mum, and stories said he got me too. But he didn't.'
'What are your dietary requirements?' I enquired delicately. 'The stories said you ate warriors and I don't think we can Certificate you if that is still the case.'
'Nah. Never liked warrior,' he said. 'Too stringy. Prefer pig and cow but pig and cow were too guarded, then. Drunk warriors was easy. I'm good with Makky Ds, these days.'
'Where do you live?' I said. 'Are you still living in Scotland?'
'I got a beejoo pad under Battersea Bridge,' he said.
'So, SW11, then,' I muttered. For some reason I found that the postcode was the most difficult part of Certification. I had to create a code with a Curse incorporated that would direct all post back to our office. 'Are you planning to stay there or will you be buying somewhere more Mundane?'
'Not easy in Mundane world with green skin,' he said. 'Hoping to get somewhere in these Alleys people have found.'
'O..kayy,' I said. 'We'll have to look at that,' while thinking how everyone wanted a bit of those Alleys. I didn't think there was enough to go round.
'As a matter of interest, why have you waited so long to get Certification?' I said. 'Most people applied years ago.'
'Didn't reckon I needed one,' he said. 'I got it pretty well worked out, but last couple of years things got a bit rocky. You know, green skin and all. So I reckoned it I had the papers people wouldn't hassle me so much.'
Good luck with that, I thought. Green skin is green skin and bound to attract attention. 'Do you need a driving licence?' I said.
'Don't drive,' he said.
'Passport?'
'Never leave Britain,' he said.
'Well, if you decide to go back home you can use this and send off for a passport through the Post Office. We can help you if you need it and provide the reference.'
'What do ya mean? Home,' he said angrily. 'This is my home. England.'
'Sorry! Sorry!' I said, realizing that I had made a terrible faux pas. 'I thought you were originally from Denmark,'
'I been here for fifteen feckin' hundred years,' he said. 'How long do I have to live here? Just 'cos you were born here.'
'I really am sorry,' I said. 'I wasn't thinking. Now, here is your birth certificate for Grendel Johnson, aged thirty-eight,' I went hurrying on, to change the subject. 'Here is a letter from Thames Water that you will need if you apply for a bank account or a credit card. If you want to convert some of your horde into Mundane cash we can help you there and provide you with the necessary references.'
'Yeah. Good. Thanks,' he said, standing up. He was tall, but not a giant and relatively petite even for a troll. He slapped down a couple of ancient rings and stalked out muttering something like 'Feckin squishies' under his breath.
I sat and took a deep breath before inspecting the rings. They were very old but in good condition and the value of each would easily cover the fees we would charge for the service.
'He didn't look a happy green bunny,' said Boot, who had just encountered Grendel Johnson in Reception.
''I said something stupid and tactless,' I said. 'That was Grendel.'
'The Grendel?' said Boot. 'Wow! I must get his autograph. Isn't he dead?'
The following day, Mr Gorbentius came into my office and shut the door behind him. Not a good sign.
'A Complaint from 'Mr Johnson',' he said. 'Apparently he is more English than you or I.'
'I did apologise.'
'Write him a letter. Standard blah,' he said. 'He's got no clout but he lives a bit close to the power station.'
'I will apologise again fulsomely,' I said.
Mr Gorbentius nodded, and smiled. Another not-good sign. 'You are summoned to a meeting,' he said. 'With a Secretary of State, no less. This afternoon.' He stood up to leave. 'It should be just up your street.'
I checked the venue with Maisie and it was in a building I hadn't been to before. It was completely Mundane with no flip zones and no fireways, no official ones, anyway, so the only way to get there was the Tube. Again.
I clocked in at the Mundane Department of State's Reception, cruised through Security and was shown to a very grand meeting room. It looked like it would be a very grand meeting.
I was sitting at the long table, trying to look at my ease, when the big double doors banged open and the Secretary and her Entourage swept in. I had heard of her and seen photos and clips of her on the News, and generally been unimpressed by her or her policies. As had a substantial majority of the population if reports were to be believed. The questions hanging over her were fairly consistent:
How on earth had she managed to get her job?
How on earth had she managed to keep it?
And here, face to face with her, was the answer. Probably. She wasn't magical or demonic herself, but she absolutely crackled with a dark energy of a sort that I had never seen before. Or not on a human. It was like a sharp metallic smell or a sound of nails on a blackboard, except that there was no smell or noise and the Mundanes were totally unaware of it. But not all her Entourage were Mundane. Coming in almost last and looking slightly embarrassed, was Emma Daines. And, suddenly, I knew what this meeting was all about. Up my street indeed.
'Is he here?' said the Secretary.
Emma glanced at me and rolled her eyes.
I stood up. 'Good afternoon, Secretary. It's a pleasure to meet you,' I said mendaciously, but it never hurts to be polite.
'So you're here, are you?' she sniffed. 'You're the expert on these Alleys. How do you get into them?'
'If you are saying 'you' in the specific sense of meaning 'me',' I said, 'I can get in through a damage portal just off Creechurch Lane. I can also use a transporter booth in my office.'
'The Secretary was not talking about you,' said a well-fed member of the Entourage. He was quite short and I wondered, for a moment, if he was a demon of some sort. His eyes were blue, however, and managed to be both sharp and watery at the same time.
'Okay. If you are talking in a general sense, you,' I gestured round the table, 'can't. We don't know why, but the damage portal seems to be imprinted on me and hardly anyone else can use it and most can't even see it. Even magical people. The transporter has performance issues and whether my company will let you use it depends on a) whether it's working safely and b) what you want to use it for.'
'What do you mean, if your company will let me use it?' said the Secretary. 'I am the Secretary of State. If I tell you to use it you will use it.'
'Er, it doesn't work like that, Secretary,' said Emma. 'I they don't want you to use it, you can't use it.'
'Of course I can,' said the Secretary. 'I'll pass a law that means they have to do what I say.'
'Mundane law only applies to the magical world by the principle of consent, as I understand it,' said another member of the Entourage. He looked a bit more clued-up than the others. 'In other words, if they don't want to obey it, they won't.'
'That's intolerable,' said the well-fed one. 'There should be a law against it.'
'There is, Farquhar,' said the clued-up member. 'There are several, in fact, but the Ministry only enforces the laws it agrees with. Mostly we let them get on with it.'
'Why do you want to get into these Alleys anyway?' I said to the Secretary. 'There's not much there.'
'I need somewhere to stash these migrants,' she said. 'Somewhere they can't get out of and won't inconvenience anyone's constituents.'
'How are you going to feed them?' I said.
'Someone else's problem,' she said and there was an uncomfortable stir around the table.
Except for Mr Farquhar, who steepled his fingers on his belly. 'I honestly don't see why we should have to look after these parasites at all,' he said. 'After all, they come over to these shores, completely uninvited.'
The Secretary nodded sagely.
'I don't see why we should burden the taxpayer with any efforts to make them comfortable,' Mr Farquhar went on. 'We should dump them somewhere they can't get out of and leave them to get on with it.'
'You mean we should let them starve to death?' said a mousy looking woman, looking at him with distaste.
'No, of course not,' said Mr Farquhar. 'People seem to be very generous with food banks. We can allow them to set up a food-bank in these Alleys.' He smiled as though he had solved the problems of the world.
'Thank you, Terry,' said the Secretary. 'It needs working on but I think you may have the seeds of an excellent idea, there.'
'Only doing what I'm paid to do,' said Mr Farquhar complacently.
'Even if we could get the transporter working reliably,' I said, 'that's not the sort of use that we would agree to.'
She turned to look at me and I could see that the cloud of glittering darkness surrounding her was actually green, so deep and intense that it was almost black. A raw power that was suddenly focused on me and I found that I really wanted to agree with her.
It was a sort of magic. Judging by the green colour, it was a sort of Compulsion. She wasn't demonic, and she was not Possessed but I thought that something magical had been involved somehow. It was not part of her. She probably couldn't do anything else and she might not even be aware of what she was doing with the Compulsion. But, even so, she could project it like a laser.
And a Shield, I discovered, was ineffective against it
I will not let it affect me, I told myself, letting the Shield fade. I have faced down werewolves and demons. I have survived cruciation. I cast a spell at a basilisk and survived. It will not affect me.
'A baslisk?' said Emma. 'You defeated a basilisk?'
And I realised I had been talking aloud.
'I didn't defeat it,' I admitted. 'But I cast a spell at it and it didn't kill me, so I'll take that as a win.'
'That's not on your file.'
'I have a file?' I said in surprise. 'I'll have to have a look at that.' I wasn't at all sure that I liked the idea of a file on me.
'You most certainly have a file,' smiled Mr Farquhar.
'You will give us immediate access to the alleys,' said the Secretary and the Compulsion beat up against me in a black tide.
'Nope,' I said, which seemed to be the safest answer.
'There may be some details we have to work out,' said the sharper member to the Secretary. He nodded to me 'Stephen Muybridge,' he said. 'I read your paper.'
'Like, as I said, details like how they are fed,' I pointed out. 'How they are watered. How they are entertained. We won't be party to this idea of a food bank.'
'I think you will, if the Secretary so decides,' said Mr Farquhar.
I ignored him. 'And, of course, you need to decide how the existing owners of the houses are to be persuaded to sell them.'
'Compulsory purchase,' said the Secretary.
'I think, Secretary, you will find it doesn't apply to magical properties,' said Mr Muybridge.
'Then I'll make it apply to them,' she said. 'I'll pass a law.'
'I think you may have misunderstood the position, Secretary,' said Mr Muybridge. 'If you apply a CP order to a magical property, the owners would simply move it or hide it. Is that not so?' he said to me.
'Domolocomotor Charm,' I agreed. 'Miss Daines and I could shift this whole building down the road, although we'd both end up with terrible headaches.'
'Me?' squeaked Emma. 'I couldn't move a building.'
'Not on your own, sure,' I said, 'but it's not that difficult with two.'
'Find a solution,' said the Secretary. 'Don't keep coming up with problems. I need problem solvers, Like Terry, here. Solve them! That's your job, in case you had forgotten.' She stood up. 'I want access to those streets by six o'clock tonight.'
Everyone else stood up and I had to physically brace my knees against the table to stop myself standing too. 'Not going to happen,' I said, leaning back with my hands behind my head, trying to look nonchalant.
The Entourage froze.
I felt the twisty green darkness storming round me. A thousand voices were chanting 'Do It. Do It,' in my ears and my eyes began to run. Then my nose began to run as well and I sneezed. Violently. The Compulsion recoiled and the dark shards dissipated into the air.
'You,' said the Secretary, pointing at me. 'You will pay for this.'
'Okay. Look, I'm sorry I got snot on your table,' I said. 'But no probs. Look!' I swept a Polish Charm over the surface. 'Good as new,' I said with a winning smile. 'Better, in fact.'
'Remember, Secretary, it is very difficult,' murmured the mousey woman, 'for us to make any of these people do anything they don't want to.'
'Then I'll pass a law that does make them,' she snarled, and stormed out. Mr Farquhar followed her, at a suitably sycophantic distance.
Stephen Muybridge glanced at me as he left, with a tiny micro-shrug that conveyed very clearly 'See what we have to put up with'.
Only Emma stayed behind. 'I'd better escort you from the building,' she said. 'She may have alerted Security to make your life difficult.'
'Is she that vindictive?' I said.
'And the rest. I thought you did 'Nonchalant' very well.'
'Thank you,' I said, adjusting rapidly to the change of subject. 'I don't know what she's got there. Do you?'
'No,' she said. 'I was hoping you would know.'
'There's a lot of power going on,' I said. 'That I know.'
'Not in here,' she said, glancing round, which made me glance round as well. Nothing to see. Nothing obvious, but then it was their building.
'Are you around after work?' she said. 'Let me take you out for a drink.'
A date! Okay a work date, but the principle's the same. How could I refuse?
I think she was right about the Security. I'm fairly sure I wasn't imaging the hungrily frustrated looks I got as we went through Reception. And at least one was a troll.
I like to know what I'm talking about, or give a very good impression that I know, but this dark magic cloud puzzled me. I had about two hours to come up with an answer, so a school visit seemed in order. However, the school is another place that it's damned hard to get into, although in this case it is deliberate. You can't flip or fly in and the one fireway is hideously expensive. Most people flip to The Broomsticks and arrange to meet whoever they want there. Or walk and try their luck with the gates.
But.
If you happen to have been in a certain disorganised rebellion movement, you might have a sneaky little private way in. Not the hurly-burly of the Broomsticks flip-park for me. I materialised in the Snug of the Boar. Not that it's very snug, except in size, and the old boy was still polishing his interminable glasses behind the bar.
'Afternoon, Michael,' he said, barely looking up. 'Here for the beer?'
'Hi A D,' I said. 'Can I have a half of Wadworths?'
He filled a glass that looked no cleaner than the others and I slipped him some Mundane cash.
'You aren't here for the beer, are you?' he said
'Well, actually, I was hoping I could have a word with Ariana,' I said. 'I need to find Anthony and get back to London fairly smartish.'
'Got a date, have you?'
'Well, yes. But it's a work date. With a Tintagel witch.'
'Huh,' he grunted. 'Snotty lot, Tintagel. Funny you should just turn up,' he went on. 'She was talking about you only the other day. Something about golden underpants. She comes out with this random rubbish from time to time. I ignore it, mostly.'
'How on earth did she know about that?' I said.
'You mean you do have solid gold underpants?' he said, and his eyebrows almost raised. 'You must tell us about them.'
'I will, I promise. I'll come back and tell you about the underpants1, but I'm on a bit of a mission.'
'On you go, then' he said and opened the door to the parlour.
'Hello, Ariana,' I said to the portrait. 'How did you know about the underpants?'
She smiled at me, as she always does, but then, as the portrait swung back, she winked.
'What do you think she's got?' Emma asked, putting a kir down on the table in front of me.
'I've never seen it before,' I said. 'But I paid a visit to the old school. A couple of my contemporaries are on the staff and they may have something in the Library. The guy I wanted to speak to was away but I bumped into Neville Longbottom and he said it sounds like a geas.'
She frowned. 'I didn't think humans could impose a geas,' she said.
'Apparently you can buy the power,' I said. 'According to Neville, you can buy it for yourself or for someone else.'
'Hell of a Christmas present,' she commented.
'Or investment,' I said. 'A politician who can impose their will has an advantage.'
She shuddered. 'You aren't joking,' she said. 'You don't have to work for her.'
'Do people just agree with her on everything?'
'No, they don't,' she said. 'We aren't that stupid, but somehow she keeps on doing what she's doing and people do, more or less, what she tells them to. Even though they know it's insane.'
'I did wonder,' I murmured. 'But how did she get hold of it?'
'Has she been consorting with demons?' she said. 'I mean, that's a pretty serious no-no in any language. Surely someone would have noticed.'
'Well, I know for a fact that there were at least three demons in various departments, including the Treasury, until quite recently. There may be more that we haven't identified.'
'Demons! In the Civil Service?'
'SPADs,' I said.
'But surely someone would have spotted them during the selection process,' she said.
'Not if the person doing the monitoring was Cormac MacGlaggan,' I said.
'Oh gods! I know Cormac,' she said with a shudder. 'He wouldn't spot the Archangel Gabriel.'
'He certainly didn't spot Loki,' I said.
She stared at me with her mouth open. It's an effect I often hope to have on women but it ought to be a look of admiration. Not of appalled horror.
'So it was true,' she whispered. 'We all wondered why he left so suddenly.'2
'And,' I said, picking up the thread of a thought. 'It was after he was chucked that the Secretary started her meteoric rise.'
'And no-one knew where she had come from,' she said. 'She was a complete doofus right from the beginning, laughing stock at Conference, that sort of thing.'
'And suddenly she's at the top table and no-one knows why.'
'Could it be Loki?' she said.
'Sounds like his handiwork,' I said. 'He will see whatever pointlessly disruptive action you can come up with and raise you a whole new level of bonkers.'
'So, what about this plan for your Alleys?'
'Not my Alleys,' I said with a shudder.
'Too late for that,' she said. 'You are known to be the go-to man for The Alleys. It's in your file.'
'I need to get hold of that file,' I said. 'It needs some serious editing.'
'Can't help you there,' she said. 'But when the Secretary gets an idea into her head it's incredibly difficult to shift it. And the stupider the idea, the harder it is to shift. She's already going on about this food-bank ideas of The Little Fucker's.'
'Where did he come from?'
'They crawl out of the woodwork,' she said. 'They attach themselves to potential stars and hang to their coat-tails as they climb the pole. Is that a mixed metaphor?'
'I'm not even sure what a metaphor is,' I said. 'But how did you get mixed up in that crowd?'
'I'm on secondment from our Ministry,' she said.
'On security?' I said. She didn't look like a security type. They were normally beefy.
'I'm still with Government Liaision,' she said defensively. 'I'm an Adviser,
'A SPAD?' I said. 'I didn't think the Ministry did SPADs.'
'We don't. I'm not attached to a Secretary. I'm a Magical Advisor to the Department, but the Ministry didn't want us to be MADs.'
'I'm glad they make some sensible decisions,' I said.
She stuck her tongue out at me.
'Is Stephen Muybridge a MAD, too?'
'Oh, don't you start,' she said. 'No, he isn't. He's an actual civil servant, but his speciality is magic. He's quite sensible. Incidentally, why do we talk about "meteoric rises"? Meteors don't rise. They fall. They're known for it.'
My kind of girl. 'Shall we find a table?' I said.
We had an excellent evening, and parted with (sincere) promises to call each other in the morning. I had every intention of doing so but she beat me to it.
'Good morning, Mr Corner,' she said. Very formal. I was about to reply with something flippant when she went on, 'I have the Secretary here, on speaker-phone.'
'Good morning, Miss Daines. Good morning, Secretary,' I said. 'How can I help you?' Though I had a pretty good idea about how I was going to help them.
'I wish to see this street that you are so secretive about,' said the Secretary without preamble. 'I shall be arriving at your offices in thirty-five minutes and I expect to be given immediate access.'
Arrogant cow, I thought. 'I will do my best t see that the apparatus is set up for you,' I said, and a thought occurred to me. 'Have you used this sort of device before?'
'No, but I assume that it is some sort of hocus pocus,' she said.
'The booth itself is pretty boring, actually,' I said, 'but the experience itself can be very disorientating. You may need to bring something to be sick into.'
'Don't you provide that sort of thing,' she said. 'Poor customer service.'
'We don't generally allow people to use it unless they are used to it,' I said. 'Miss Daines may be able to explain it to you.'
'Good,' she said, and rang off.
Belatedly, I realised that I had forgotten to ask how much of her entourage she was bringing, as the PortalBooth isn't very big, but the question was answered when she arrived. Apart from Emma and her Mundane security, the only person with her was Farquhar, who was brimming with self-importance. He had marked the fact that he wasn't going to the office by wearing a suit in green tweed instead of a dark blue one.
'I trust you have made suitable arrangements,' he said as he strode through the door, followed by the Secretary and her security detail.
'We're as ready as we can be,' I said, wondering what 'arrangements' he expected. A three-course dinner? 'Have you explained the procedure?' I asked Emma.
'Of course not,' she said. 'I have no idea what the 'procedure' is. I assume it's not side-flipping.'
'Have you never used a PortalBooth?' I said.
'Do you know how rare these are?' she said. 'There are only about three in the entire country.'
'I had no idea,' I said. 'But I know we have to make our own simulacra.'
'What do you need a simulacrum for?' said the Secretary. 'Simulacrum of what? How does it work?'
'It's sympathetic magic,' I said. 'The simulacrum is a model of the destination. It tells the booth where we want to go. The booth aligns itself with the destination, using the simulacrum and takes us there. Don't ask me the techie details. I'm just a user.'
Maisie was all of a flutter when the Secretary walked through Reception and even Mr Gorbentius came out to meet her, though she didn't seem impressed. She wasn't very impressed by the Booth, either, but then it is pretty dull.
I put the little model of Chemic Alley on the pedestal and indicated that the Secretary should walk into the glow.
'I go first,' growled her security.
'You go first,' she said, the dark cloud drifting in my direction.
'I can't,' I said. I had explained the procedure three times. 'I have to take the stone when I go through so I have to go last.'
'Miss Danish can go first, then.'
'It's 'Daines',' said Emma. 'I'm quite happy to go first.'
'I'll go first,' said Farquhar. 'You can trust me to see that everything's kosher.'
'I go first,' said the security. 'You follow me.'
'That's what we'll do. Thank you, Terry,' said the Secretary as the security guy strode into the glow. 'That's very brave of you.'
Farquhar puffed up to twice his normal width and strutted into the glow. And vanished.
'Where did he go?' said the Secretary in some alarm.
'To Chemic Alley, I hope,' I said. 'Everything seems to be working normally.'
'It had better be,' she said. 'I will be most displeased if anything has happened to Terry.'
'He'll be fine,' I said. 'Would you like to … ?'
'After you,' she said pointedly to Emma. Emma shrugged and walked into the glow.
'After you,' I said to her. She looked as though she was going to funk it. 'You could stay here and have a nice cup of tea,' I said.
She scowled at me, and the darkness became worryingly agitated, but took a deep breath and walked into the glow.
I followed her, grabbing the model as I went through and feeling it mould itself into a pebble in my hand.
'Where's the Secretary?' I said, looking around. 'She can't have wandered away.'
'She hasn't arrived,' said Emma. 'What's happened?
'Yeah, what's happened?' said the security guy. 'Where is she?'
'No idea.' I said. 'She walked into the glow and I followed her.'
'Well, she's not here,' said the security guy. His hand was twitching
'What have you done with her?' screeched Farquhar. 'What have you done to her?'
'Calm down,' I said, not feeling very calm myself. Losing a member of The Government into the Elsewhere would be a definite black mark in my file. 'We'll go back and start again.'
'What will that achieve?' said the security guy.
'a) if we reverse the spell it will probably reverse her spell at the same time,' I said. 'b) I will be able to consult my colleagues and we will come up with a solution.' I really, really hoped we wouldn't get to b) because I didn't think my colleagues had any more idea about how it worked than I did.
We all traipsed back through the blue glow of the pebble, and it reformed the simulacrum in my hand as I went through. Feeling stone writing against your skin is a very weird experience.
No Secretary appeared.
''What about Reverso Incantatum?' said Emma tentatively.
I thought about it. Would reversing it work. It might suck all of us into Elsewhere. 'I think I need to do this on my own,' I said. 'I'm going to try Mirraori, because the Booth is not, strictly speaking, an incantation.'
She shivered. 'Rather you than me,' she said, which was rather worrying. I wondered whether she knew more about Mirraori than I did.
She shepherded them out and I stood before the pedestal to cast the spell. Nothing happened except that the glow took on a silvery sparkle for a moment.
'No luck with Mirraori,' I said, sticking my head out of the Booth. 'I'm going to have to try Reverso.' They were standing in a row, looking worried. I gave them a grin and a thumbs up because it always pays to let people think you're on top of things.
Reverso is more complicated and I needed my wand. I said the words and made the gestures and had the immediate feeling of being blown into the glow by a very focused wind at my back. The Booth faded around be and I was in a featureless mist. I could feel the floor beneath my feet but I couldn't see any walls. There was nothing, apart from a dark patch in the mist. I walked towards it, through where the walls of the Booth should have been.
'Secretary?' I said.
'What is the meaning of this outrage?' came her voice, hollow and echoing. 'I will bring in a law and ban these devices. I will send anyone who uses one to prison.'
'Yes, well, we've got to get you out first,' I said. 'Reach out towards my voice.'
The darkness bulged a little and, taking a deep breath, I reached into it and bashed knuckles against something, which grabbed me.
'Don't leave me here,' she said, sounding more anxious than commanding.
'Don't worry,' I said, trying to sound reassuring. 'I'm going to the reverse the reversal, as it were, and get us out.'
'Yes! Yes! Get on with it.'
I swept the wand with my left hand in the reverse of the spell's gesture and said 'Mutatnacni Osrever.' I pulled on her hand, which felt both paper dry and clammy at the same time. With a tearing sensation, I dragged her and myself out of the glow and into the safety of the Booth
'Phew! Well, that was interesting,' I said.
'What happened?' she demanded.
'I think there's something about you that the Booth doesn't like,' I said.
'What do you mean?'
'How did you suddenly become so persuasive?' I said, not opening the door of the Booth.
'I don't know what you're talking about,' she said, but she looked shifty.
'You have an aura about you,' I said. 'And I think the Booth can't handle it. I wondered where it came from.'
'It came from me,' she said, 'if it came from anywhere. I don't know what you're talking about.'
'Okay. Whatever,' I said. 'It seems that you can't go through the Booth.'
I opened the door and we stepped out.
'All okay,' I said, 'though the Secretary might need a moment.'
'What happened?' said Emma.
'There's something about the Secretary that conflicts with the PortalBooth,' I said. 'You know?'
'I know,' she said.
'There's nothing about me that could conflict with anything,' said the Secretary. 'It is illegal to conflict with me.' She paused. 'Or it will be,' she went on. 'When I've brought in new legislation.'
'I'm very happy to try and take you through again,' I said. 'But I think it will have the same effect.'
'Well, I think it's disgraceful,' said Farquhar. 'There should be a law against this sort of thing.'
'Did you manage to see anything when you were waiting?' I said.
'I don't think we had time,' said Emma.
'There was a sort of green fellow, sitting outside the pub,' said Farquhar. 'I though you said no-one else could get in.'
'I didn't say no-one could get in,' I said. 'What I said was that we don't know why no-one else can get in. Who was this green fellow?'
'I didn't see him,' she said. I was looking out for you.'
'He was sitting there, as plain as plain,' said Farquhar. 'Anyone could see him.'
'I'd better go and check him out,' I said. 'I think I'll need back-up, too,' I added to Emma.
'That's fine,' she said. 'Will you be okay here, Secretary?'
'If you're going, I'm coming too,' said Farquhar, strutting over to the Booth. 'Someone's got to keep an eye on what you get up to.'
'Thank you, Terry. That's very diligent of you,' said the Secretary. Emma rolled here eyes behind his back.
'No problem,' I said with a smile. 'You wait here.'
'I'll keep an eye on things here,' said the security guy. The Secretary still looked shaken.
I found Emma and Farquhar staring around at the street that looked exactly the same as it had when I had last been there, with one exception. Sitting at a table outside The Flying Carpet was a familiar greenish figure. He had a dimple pint clasped in one fist and a large cigar clamped between his lips. He waved to us.
'Good morning, Mr Johnson,' I said, going up to him and offering my hand to shake. 'Nice to see you again.'
He stood slowly, but put his pint down and shook my hand.
'Really sorry about yesterday,' I said quietly, 'but how did you get in?'
'Yeah, well. Might have over-reacted,' he rumbled. 'You get sensitive when your skin ain't white. Saw you come through just now, and then go. What's goin' on?'
'We're supposed to be here with the Secretary,' I said. 'But the PortalBooth we use couldn't cope with her aura. Did you use the other entrance?'
'The Secretary?' he said. 'Cor! Is she coming on a site visit?'
'If she can get through the Booth,' I said. 'Would you like me to introduce you? It sounds like you're a fan.'
'Cor! Yeah!' he said. 'I fink she's great. She really helped me.'
'Okay, I'll see what I can do,' I said.
'Oh, don't worry about me,' he said. 'I've already met her.'
'Really? When was that?'
'A couple of years ago.'
'That must have been before she became famous,' said Emma.
A little suspicion was forming in my mind. 'You didn't happen to sell her anything, did you?'
'Yeah. I had this geas I didn't need no more.'
'I guess you don't need one to get a burger,' I said.
'You do if you ain't got money,' he said, 'but I was makin' a good bit on the doors, see? so I didn't need the geas.'
'What's going on,' said Farquhar. 'Who is this? What's he doing here? How did he get in? Why is he green?'
'This is Grendel Johnson,' I said. 'He's one of ours.'
'Pleased to meet you,' rumbled Grendel, sticking out a paw. Farquhar ignored him. 'Alright. Not pleased to meet you,' said Grendel.
'Is there anyone here?' said Farquhar.
'There's me,' said Grendel. 'I don't fink there's anyone else.'
'Well, you're not human so you don't really count,' said Farquhar. 'I suppose, now I'm here, I'd better have a look around.'
'You need something to report to the Secretary,' I said not looking at Grendel, and feeling upset on his behalf. I could imagine his reaction to being called 'not really human'. He wasn't, of course, but I didn't think he'd want to be reminded.
'Feel free,' was all he said. 'I'll just sit here and enjoy my beer.'
'Sorry about that,' I muttered to him as Farquhar strode down the Alley. 'You must think we're all shits.'
'I'm seventeen hundred years old, son' he said. 'I don't think. I know.' He sat down again. 'At least you're not trying to chop off my other arm.'
Emma and I followed Farquhar as he peered into shop-fronts and tried doors.
'Can you open this?' he said., stopping in front of a dusty green door with a lion-head knocker.
'Why?' I said. 'It's a private house.'
'I want to see what the accommodation is like,' he said. 'If we're going to requisition it we don't want anything too grand or comfortable.'
I looked at the door. 'It's warded,' I said. 'I can't even see the keyhole.'
'Call yourself a wizard and you can't even open a door!' he said.
Emma put a hand lightly on my arm, and I nodded to her though I wasn't particularly angry. I had gone beyond angry.
'What about this one?' he said, pointing to a black door.
It had a lock so I opened it with Claustrum.
'It's really just voice activation, isn't it?' he said with a superior smile. 'I don't think this magic is all it's cracked up to be.'
Emma followed him into the house while I kept an eye out in the street. I didn't think there was anyone there but it pays to be careful.
After about ten minutes, I heard Emma call 'Terry?' No response. 'Mr Farquhar?'
She opened the door and looked around. 'Did he come out?' she said.
'No-one's come out,' I said 'What's happened?'
'I can't find him,' she said. 'One moment he was poking about in this empty room and the next he isn't.'
'Could he have fallen down something?'
'There's nothing to fall down except some stairs,' she said. 'And I'd have found him if he's done that.'
'Do you want me to have a look?' I said.
'I'll look for him out here,' she said.
'Don't step away from the door,' I warned her. 'We still don't know much about this place and I haven't been in any houses like this.'
She made a face, but nodded her agreement as I set off to search the house.
She was right. Farquhar was nowhere to be found.
'I wonder whether he went back to the access point,' I said when I emerged feeling dusty and fraught.
She shrugged. 'He's not inside. I can't think of anywhere else he could have gone,' she said.
Grendel was still sitting enjoying his pint, but he had moved to another table.
'You haven't seen the fat guy who was with us?' I called to him.
'Ain't seen no-one,' he said.
Then something in the doorway to the Carpet caught my eye.
'Then what is his jacket doing lying on the floor?' I said.
'Don't know nuffin about a jacket' he said.
'And why has it still got an arm in it?' said Emma, looking queasy.
'You've eaten him, haven't you?' I said.
'Not all of him,' said Grendel, looking a bit shame faced. 'He was annoyin' me.'
'That's horrible,' said Emma. She looked as though she was about to be sick.
'No, no. He was quite well tasty, actually,' Grendel assured her.
'You told me,' I said, feeling slightly sick myself. 'You assured me that you didn't eat people. I've just Certificated you because you didn't eat people.
'Said I didn't eat warriors,' Grendel rumbled. 'Don't normally eat people, but he just looked so juicy.'
'You can't eat people because they look juicy,' I almost screamed. 'And he was a civil servant.'
'SPAD, actually,' said Emma faintly.
'So vats okay,' said Grendel. 'SPADs don't count.'
'People count. Full stop,' I said. 'If I get one whiff of you eating a person again, I'll withdraw your Certification.'
'Dat's okay. I'll just go back to eating people again.'
He had me there. However he sounded, he wasn't dim.
'Why did you keep the jacket?' said Emma. 'If we hadn't seen the jacket we wouldn't have known,'
'Liked it,' he said. 'But it's a bit small. I can do it up but it just about covers me tits.'
'Swear,' I said. 'On the memory of your mother, swear you won't eat another human.'
'Oi. You leave me mum out of it.'
It was the only thing I knew about him. 'No,' I said. 'I don't know whether you loved her but she loved you. She wanted to avenge you, anyway. Swear on her memory.'
There was a five second stand-off, though I swear that I aged five years.
'I swear,' he said at last.
'And I'll be watching,'
'Not if I eat you first,' he growled. 'Only joking!' he added before I had time to react.
There was another tense pause.
'So. What did the Secretary give you to get the geas?' said Emma. 'You never told us.'
'Dat is client confidentiality,' he said. 'Get lost.'
'Where's Terry?' said the Secretary as soon as we stepped out of the Portal Booth and she registered that there were only two of us.
Emma glanced at me. This was my show.
'Secretary, I think I've worked out why you couldn't get through the Booth,' I said.
'Good. You need to get that fixed so some of us can get on and do our jobs.'
'The problem is that it doesn't seem to be the Booth itself,' I said. 'We need to talk about the persuasive power that you acquired.'
'I don't know what you're talking about,' she said.
'You have this amazing ability to persuade people to do things,' I said
She nodded. 'I'm a barrister,' she said. 'It's what we do.'
'A few years ago you were on the fringes of the Cabinet, then you flounced out and were out of office for a while and suddenly you were back in quite a senior role and even managed to wangle maternity leave when you were in the role.'
'All above board and within the law,' she said 'I can't see where this is getting us.'
'I think that, while you were out of office, you met a person who you may or may not have known was a troll called Grendel.'
She glared at me, but didn't answer. The dark cloud probed at me. I almost felt I had to swat it away.
'I don't know what you offered him,' I said, though I could guess, 'but he transferred his geas to you. It is his geas that is preventing you from getting through the Booth.'
'What's this got to do with Terry?' she said.
'Grendel is able to get into the Alley,' said Emma. 'He has just eaten Mr Farquhar, Secretary
The Secretary went pale. 'Eaten him?' The geas almost vanished. It became small and thin around her.
'All except for one arm,' I said. 'He is famous for grabbing people and eating them very quickly. There are even Mundane stories about him.'
'And he's in there?'
'He's in there,' I confirmed. 'So you can see that our world really is dangerous if you don't have our abilities.'
'I still don't see why it would be unsuitable for stashing asylum seekers,' she said petulantly.
'What would happen if word got out that they had been eaten and you had known it was a risk?' I said.
'Prove that I knew.'
I looked around. 'Everything is logged for Health and Safety purposes,' I lied.
'Did you scan for threats?' she asked her security.
'Yes, Secretary,' he said. 'But I can only scan for Mundane threats. I don't know what these bozos would use'.
'Exactly,' I smiled. 'Now, shall we conclude that the Alleys are unsuitable accommodation?'
1 But you may read about them in Michael Corner and The Solid Gold Underpants.
2 See Michael Corner and The Feral God