Author's Note: I always loved the anti-fairies. Gotta say, exploring the Anti-Cosmo/Anti-Wanda relationship dynamic in this little fic was a lot of fun haha. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: The Fairly OddParents © Nickelodeon
Anti-Cosmo returned to the cramped quarters he shared with his dunce of a wife, absently rubbing his side. He was glad that whole fa-giggly-gland transplant nonsense was behind him now, if for no reason other than he wouldn't have to interact with his idiotic counterpart and his shrill wife.
How infuriating it was to be the evil image of that Cosmo. His cheerfulness was downright nauseating. Granted, Anti-Wanda was almost always in a happy mood as well, but her mindlessness was nowhere near as irritating. Even when she did get angry in the rarest of circumstances, all he'd have to do was throw her an affectionate glance, and her crooked teeth would stretch into a lovingly vacant grin that he admittedly found quite charming.
He hovered in front of the countertop where they ate their meals and lazily adjusted his monocle, his mind idly wandering back to the moment he'd said goodbye to Cosmo and Wanda and that silly pink-hatted godchild of theirs. He didn't know why his voice had bubbled out in the very same idiotic way in which Cosmo himself spoke. A peculiar thing indeed, though he attributed it to mere delirium after that invasive organ transplant.
A crash in the other room rattled him from his thoughts. Anti-Wanda was horribly clumsy, to say the least, especially when left alone.
"Dearest, is everything all right in there?"
"Sure is," came her stupid-sounding voice. From the sounds of it, she at least hadn't gotten her hand stuck in the toaster again. "I'm just finishin' up making this here foods for us. Say, how'd that whole fudge-i-mi-whatzit transplant go?"
Ordinarily he'd wince at her appallingly poor diction, as he'd long since given up on attempting to correct her grammar. But now, instead of cringing at her uneducated manner of speaking, he actually found himself grinning, flashing his fangs in an exceptionally rare, non-evil way, with a genuine touch of mirth. Maybe it was because he found it impressive that she actually remembered the transplant at all. Usually any information she received went in one ear and directly out the other. That was precisely why arguing was pretty much nonexistent in their relationship, since she'd always forget seconds into the argument what it was they were disagreeing about in the first place.
To be fair, it almost always stemmed from Anti-Cosmo's own frustrations that his latest plot to take over Fairy World had been foiled. Anti-Wanda would usually do something ridiculous to cheer him up like blissfully break out into song and dance, which did make him momentarily forget his troubles, though mostly out of being distracted by her making a complete and utter fool out of herself.
"Oh, it went just fine, I suppose. Cosmo got my superior gland so he's all better now, which means we won't have to deal with his wretched stupidity for the time being. But enough about all of that, what about you, my dear? I hope you weren't too lonely while I was gone."
"Well, I mighta been feelin' a wee bit lonely at first, but then I's realized I could make a peanut butter and jelly version 'a you, so I went lookin' for the peanut butter jar, only I couldn't figure out how to git it open, and as I was tryin' to remember, I started gettin' real hungry so I decided to make some foods for when you got back. I figures you'd be starvin' after that scary operation."
Usually Anti-Wanda's ramblings went absolutely nowhere, and he'd acknowledge her with a dismissive, "Yes, very good, dear," but somehow he was able to follow all of that with perfect clarity. Since when could he make sense of Anti-Wanda's incoherent rants so easily? What stood out most of all, though, was that she was expressing her concern and doing something caring for him. His smile only widened.
"That's terribly sweet of you, my precious love pie, but you should know I was not fearful in the slightest. After all, Cosmo is one of the most cowardly fairies in all of Fairy World, making me one of the most gallant and fearless."
"Aw, that's right. I always forget," said Anti-Wanda as she finally floated in, holding a tray with two bowls on it. She set them down with a flourishing wave of her hands. "Ta-da! My infamous secret slop."
Normally her cooking left him with severe stomachaches. He'd grown accustomed to secretly poofing her meals into something far more edible when she wasn't paying attention—which was always—because it was frankly a far easier solution than hurting her feelings by telling her the truth about her atrocious culinary skills. Of course, Cosmo himself was honest to a fault as he never, ever thought before he spoke, while Anti-Cosmo liked to think of his own duplicitous nature as a clever skill he'd so shrewdly perfected over the years.
He looked down at the bowls, both of which were filled to the brim with a porridge-like substance, except for the fact that it was orange, most likely from the hot sauce Anti-Wanda insisted on including in all her recipes. He recalled that her pink-haired counterpart had a sweet tooth, so it was no wonder that Anti-Wanda preferred savory and spicy dishes. The bowls of slop, while unappealing in presentation, had an aroma that smelled quite heavenly. Anti-Cosmo suddenly wiped his hand against his mouth. Had he just been salivating? How undignified.
Forgoing the silverware as she always did, Anti-Wanda picked up the bowl with her feet and started slurping away, pausing only to lick the globs of food off her face before diving in for more. Anti-Cosmo watched with a secret spark of intrigue. He glanced back down at the remaining bowl on the tray. Did he dare?
As if with a mind of their own, his feet stretched out before him and curled around the bowl. He dove in head-first, gobbling up the slop with as much enthusiasm and as little grace as his beloved Anti-Wanda. His lips tingled as he swallowed the flavorful globs and swept his tongue across his mouth to lap up the bits that had gotten away. What was this feeling, this unabashed, freeing feeling of not caring in the slightest how juvenile it was to eat like an uncivilized child?
"I must say, my little biscuit, you've outdone yourself with this dish. This is the greatest cuisine I've ever eaten in my entire life!"
Anti-Wanda clasped her hands together, dropping her bowl in the process, which thankfully was just about empty anyway. She grinned widely, baring all of her misshapen teeth, her pink eyes shining against her translucent blue skin.
"D'aww, thank you, my big crumpet cake! I'm so glad ya like it. 'Course, I don't remember you ever complimentin' mah foods this much before."
"You mean before the gland transplant? Hmm… Come to think of it, I wonder if I've subsequently acquired some of Cosmo's… Er, his…"
"Stupidness?"
Anti-Cosmo dropped his bowl as a lightning bolt of sheer panic struck him—not literally, thank goodness, but the horror of the realization hit him like a falling anvil to the head.
"Oh, my evilness… You're precisely right! Which is horrifying in and of itself, but we must deal with only one shocking revelation at a time. Do you realize what is happening to me, my love bug? For the first time ever, I'm beginning to feel silly and carefree instead of bitter and calculating. Why, right now, I feel as though I'm getting the urge to…"
It occurred to him that he couldn't summon the words to eloquently convey what exactly it was he was feeling. Miraculously, Anti-Wanda seemed to connect the dots as she stuck up her hand and waved it around madly.
"Ooh, I know! You're feelin' the urge to dance around and sing jaunty show tunes totally off-key at the top of your lungs like a gosh dang buffoon, ain't ya?"
"Yes!"
She grabbed him with both hands, getting right in his face in a rush of excitement.
"Well then, what is we waitin' for?!"
And she let go of him only to poof in an accordion, which she immediately started playing with her feet. Anti-Cosmo took one look at the gloriously foolish display that at any other point in time would've made him turn red hot with embarrassment. Instead, his feet started tapping and his hips started swinging, and before he knew it he was dancing like the very buffoon he never thought he was capable of becoming.
As he danced and she played, the two of them started singing loudly and off-key to a song he was pretty sure Anti-Wanda had made up on the fly. Somehow it was the most enchanting tune he'd ever heard. At some point, he caught her in his arms and spun her, making her eyes roll around dizzily as a loopy grin spread across her face and she dropped the accordion. When it was all over, he was left laughing in more joyous a manner than he'd ever experienced before, clutching his sides as he squirmed with glee.
With the laughter subsiding, Anti-Wanda threw her arms around him, and his brows shot up. Usually he wasn't thrown by such amorous displays, but now, he felt himself blush as this beguiling creature nuzzled against him. Gathering what little composure he seemed to have left, he snaked a finger down her cheek, tilting her head up to meet his half-lidded eyes and dangerously sly grin.
"My darling, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
Anti-Wanda hummed, a teasing glint in her eyes.
"I'm thinkin'… You'se and me go into the bedroom…"
"Yes."
"And… We take off all's our clothes…"
"Yes."
"And then… We…"
She trailed off when he gingerly kissed her, her bat-like wings flapping wildly in response to his lips. When he drew back, he tapped a finger to her nose, and she fluttered her eyelids at him in a lovestruck daze, only to blurt out:
"We jump up and down on the bed 'til one of us falls off and cracks our head like a egg!"
"You're on!"
They giggled like maniacs as Anti-Cosmo grabbed his wand and poofed them away. What a delightful thing, this feeling of whimsy! Perhaps he could get used to it after all.