Dietrich kept quiet for the majority of the hike when his mind began dwelling on the idea of moving permanently to Wyoming. That would be a terrible idea and you know it! You would not be able to stand being around Troy every day for the rest of your natural life. Worse yet, he is offering you a job… now, that cannot be a bad thing, right? A stable job. Financial security. Both good things… but… Troy is your employer. Troy would be your damn employer! You would have to work for him! Dietrich drew in a breath as his thoughts gradually spiraled out of control. Troy is a good employer in that he treats his people well and works alongside them, but— Dietrich shuddered as he thought of the state of Troy's garage the day before, Troy cannot keep things organized. Although… he badly needs someone who can keep things organized. Someone who can keep things organized would make the ranch run a little smoother… No, no, no! Stop trying to talk yourself into doing this, Hans!
"You okay, Dietrich?" Troy looked over his shoulder at the skinny German. "You're sighing a lot."
"Everything is… okay, Troy." Dietrich bit back yet another sigh while trying to unravel his thoughts.
"You sure?"
"Yes!"
"Alright, alright. Relax. I won't ask again." Troy glanced at him again. "You look a bit frazzled."
"I…" Dietrich frantically tried to come up with an excuse for his harried expression. "Hungry. Yes, I am… hungry."
"I didn't pack a lunch."
"Why not?" Dietrich wasn't expecting that response.
Troy shrugged. "There's stuff to eat out here. We've got wild blueberries, strawberries, other berries."
Dietrich wasn't actually hungry at the moment, but he hoped he could trust Troy to find stuff that was actually edible when the time came.
"In fact, I know there's a blueberry bush around this corner here." Troy jogged ahead, disappearing a large bush shielding part of the path from view. "Yep. Here it is."
Dietrich braced himself to see something that wasn't actually a blueberry bush, but, much to his surprise, Troy was right—it was indeed a blueberry bush.
Troy plucked quite a few of the blueberries before handing them over to Dietrich. "There. Enjoy."
Dietrich tried to better control his expressions as they continued their hike. The blueberries were extremely sour given that most of them were nowhere close to being ripe, but at least they actually tasted like blueberries.
At one point, Troy paused and said, "There's a beehive up in that tree if you want honey."
Dietrich looked up to see a rather large beehive hanging from a tree branch. "Troy, unlike you, I am not criminally insane. No, I am not going after that beehive."
"Well, it's there if you want it."
"Could we keep going, please?"
Troy kept walking, and Dietrich began revisiting the nightmare in his head that was the idea of working for Troy. There was still a small part of him whispering that it might not be such a bad idea—after all, he did convince Troy to actually listen to him yesterday. No amount of cinnamon rolls, money, or job security would be enough to convince me that dealing with this living migraine every single day is a good idea. Dietrich found himself wanting to sigh, but kept it quiet and dumped the rest of the blueberries in his mouth. Come, now… you are being a little harsh. Am I? One minute, Troy and I are having insightful conversations about our pasts. The next, I am trying to figure out how he made it to sergeant in the US Army. Look, you must admit, he is intelligent. He did not beat you by being stupid, and he got you out of situations that would have ended much, much worse… and he saved you from yourself.
Dietrich cursed himself as regret crashed over him. Who was the one who donated blood after you tried to kill yourself? Troy did. And who sat by your bed while you were recovering? Troy did. Well, all the Rats did at some point, but he spent the most time with you. Despite everything, he gave a damn when no one else would, especially when you no longer gave a damn about yourself.
None of that made it any easier for Dietrich to come to a decision.
As they continued their hike, Dietrich started feeling a little better when he decided that he would talk about this with Shauna. He liked her, and trusted her, and hoped that she could offer some advice on what the best course forward was. There was probably no one else in the world who could understand Troy better than her. A bit of relief came over Dietrich, now that he had some kind of solution, but he also wasn't thrilled about waiting.
The vegetation thinned out a little as they approached the end of the trail at the top of the summit. A lot of time had passed without either man saying a word to each other. Dietrich wasn't sure he really wanted to say anything, as he didn't want things to snowball and lead to the topic of him moving before he was ready to discuss it. He was content with the tranquility of the wilderness anyway.
The trees had given way to smaller shrubs near the summit, offering a much wider view of the surrounding landscape. There were miles and miles of flat grassland speckled with individual trees and the occasional grove. Dietrich thought back to what Troy said hours earlier, about how Moffitt thoroughly enjoyed coming out here with his horse and having a good run. He imagined it would be fun to ride a horse out there. Alas, Troy wasn't going to teach him.
"See, despite the crap I was put through, this place is still home," Troy said out of nowhere.
Dietrich said nothing in response. He glanced at Troy when they paused to take in the view, but then resumed staring ahead. He couldn't remember the last time he had taken a walk like this. Sure, he had walked around Hammelburg a few times, wandered aimlessly near the farms that bordered his property, but it was just that—aimless. At times, he wondered if his loneliness, depression, and general lack of purpose was written all over his face. That question was answered when a stranger spotted him on a walk and asked if everything was okay. Dietrich already hated when Troy and the others asked him that, but someone he didn't know asking it was even worse.
"You look like you're thinking."
Again, Dietrich kept quiet. His thoughts and anxieties and physical exertion from the long walk had all taken a toll on his energy, and he found himself wanting to be completely alone for a little while. He felt like he needed to say something, just so Troy wouldn't start pestering him, but he couldn't figure out what.
Troy turned to face Dietrich. "Hey. You awake?"
Dietrich glanced at him. "Wide awake."
"I said you look like you're thinking."
"I always think. You should try it sometime."
Troy sighed, ignoring that remark. "I know that when you get really quiet, something's bothering you. What is it?"
"Nothing."
"I doubt that."
"Even if it is something, I do not wish to discuss it with you."
Troy pursed his lips, and folded his arms over his chest. He drew in a breath. "Do you understand why I don't like that?"
Here we go again, Dietrich thought, resisting an urge to roll his eyes.
"I'm not expecting you to be open about everything, but I still want us to be honest with each other. I told you last year, the night before… you… did what you did… telling you that I never intend to stab you in the back, or lie to you, or manipulate you. The war's over. We're not fighting anymore—"
"This has nothing to do with what has been going on in my head. I know you jump to that conclusion whenever I do something remotely off."
"I'm trying not to. If it's not that, then what is it?"
Dietrich sighed. He doubted it was better to say nothing. Troy would just persist until he got all the answers out of him. "I… would like to be alone right now." Dietrich turned to head back down the path. He expected Troy to follow him, tell him to stop, and demand he talk. Instead, when he looked over his shoulder, Troy was still standing near the summit, watching him. Dietrich checked repeatedly as he continued all the way back to the truck, and still saw no sign of Troy.
He was lost in his head when he rounded a corner to the eastern side of the hill. Through the trees, he could see where the truck was parked. He didn't have the keys, so unless Troy was secretly following him, Dietrich would be stuck waiting outside for a while. He didn't particularly mind, as he was too tired to care.
His ears pricked when he heard a stick snap behind him, and whirled around to see Troy coming from around the corner, his hands in his pockets. Dietrich couldn't decide if he wanted to be mad or not. There was a part of him that didn't want to be followed, but there was also a part of him that did.
"I figured it was time to go home anyway," Troy said.
Dietrich continued to stubbornly refuse to talk. They had built up a lot over the last couple of days, and he didn't want to destroy it by arguing about whether or not moving would be best for him. He sighed and kept going, but did slow down a little to let Troy catch up.
It took less time for them to return to the truck since they walked faster and didn't make a lot of stops. The whole walk back was silent, which greatly surprised Dietrich. He expected Troy to lecture him or try to prod him into talking, but so far, nothing. Troy would occasionally glance over at Dietrich, but didn't say a word.
When they got in the truck to head home, Dietrich expected the ride back to be more of the same, until feeling Troy reach over to squeeze his shoulder. Out of everyone, he sat by you, gave blood, and went out of his way to help you. You begged him to help you. His stubbornness let him get through to you when you pushed everyone else away. You should talk to him now. Dietrich glanced at Troy, then back out the window. I will talk to him when I feel I can do it without getting upset, which is why I want to talk to Shauna first.
As Dietrich expected, the ride back to the ranch was quiet. Instead of going inside for a proper lunch, Troy headed out to the horse barn, while Dietrich headed into the house. Shauna was slicing fudge in a large baking pan. "Hello, Hans. Did you have a good walk?" she asked.
"It was… alright."
"Just 'alright?'" Shauna looked around. "Where's Sam?"
"Horses."
Shauna sighed. "Did you two fight?"
"No. This is… all my doing, and, if you do not mind, I would like to talk to you about something that has been troubling me all day."
"Of course you can! Have some fudge—I just pulled it out of the fridge."
Dietrich didn't have much of an appetite. "No, thank you, I—"
"Nonsense. It's got chocolate in it, and chocolate makes everything better. Have some."
Dietrich had a feeling that Shauna wasn't going to take "no" for an answer. "Fine," he said while sitting at the table.
Shauna handed him a large square of fudge, and slid a glass of milk in front of him before taking a seat herself. "Alright, what's bugging you, Hans?"
"Last night, at Red Fisher, Troy brought up the idea of me moving here to Wyoming permanently. I was quick to tell him 'no,' because I have no intention of ever leaving Germany for good. That is home for me. I have a hard time picturing myself anywhere else. And yet… I am completely alone there. I have no family, everyone I was friends with during the war are either dead or focused on their families and rebuilding what they lost in the bombings. Troy, Moffitt, Hitch, Tully… they are all I have." Dietrich tried to maintain his expression when he felt his throat close. "Would it not be better for me to move somewhere with people I know and care about?"
"I would argue that yes, it would be better for you. It was easy for me to leave England behind when the war ended and the rest of my family returned home. I knew going back wouldn't be a good idea, and I wanted to have a fresh start. However… that's what I went through. You still have a love for where you grew up, and I don't think you should just throw that away. I wish you had people back home who would be willing to help you."
"I have already put up with being alone for the better part of a year. I can get used to it."
"With your… history, I'm not sure that's good for you. At the end of the day, though, this is your decision. Moving from one country to another would be a drastic change for you. Granted, you speak English very well—I never would've thought it was a second language for you if Sam didn't tell me you're German—but there's still different culture, different types of people, different food, everything. It would take some getting used to."
"It would." Dietrich took a generous bite of the fudge. "Chocolate and peanut butter?"
"Yes. Do you like it?"
"I highly doubt it will last very long."
Shauna grinned. "At least you already like the food here. Just make sure you save some for Sam."
"Oh, alright."
"To be completely honest, I've been enjoying having you around," Shauna said. "You understand how Sam's mind works."
"I have a rough idea on how his mind works, but at times, I feel like I know nothing about it at all."
"He has his own way of expressing everything. Can it be frustrating? Yes. I love him, but I won't deny that sometimes it feels like I need to be a psychic in order to understand him."
"I doubt even psychics would be able to understand Troy. He might drive them insane without meaning to." Dietrich took a long drink of his milk after finishing his first piece of fudge. "Troy even offered to give me a job here at the ranch."
"Oh, that would be fun. I'd be happy to teach you a few things."
"As delightful as that would be, there is still…" Dietrich trailed off, unsure of how to express his thoughts. Shauna knows better than anyone how frustrating Troy can be. Just say what you are thinking. "I would be working for Troy. I have no doubt that he is a good employer, but it is still Troy. I-I just… you know how he can be. I mean, he did not bother packing a lunch for our hike because 'there is stuff to eat out here.' The garage was an absolute disaster before I tidied it yesterday. I found a brick of all things in a cardboard box, Shauna—" Dietrich rubbed his face while groaning, "I just… I highly doubt I could put up with him every single day for the rest of my life."
"Well, fortunately, he's usually not bad around his ranch hands. Usually. He has his moments."
"And it is those moments where I find myself questioning how he beat me so many times back during the war."
"He did have his team to help with making decisions."
Dietrich laughed. "No. Oh, no. No, they let him do whatever he wanted partly because it produced results, and because Troy is stubborn and arguing with him is extremely futile." He sighed. "Truthfully, I think it was mainly his stubbornness to see a mission to completion combined with sheer determination to keep all of them alive that made them trust him, even if his ideas were… lacking in the strategic department."
"You'd still be in good hands with him if you decide to work here."
"I know, but I have no idea if… this is what I want to do with my life. Worse yet, I feel like I should discuss this with Troy, but I am worried that he will try to sway me into moving here."
Shauna shook her head. "No, he won't do that. He'll listen to you."
"Are you sure? Because he constantly worries that I am going to hurt myself again. He was very annoyed at the fact that I disappeared to the garage yesterday without telling anyone. Every single time I get quiet or act even slightly strange, he worries. I am concerned that will drive him to push me to move, because it will allow him to keep an eye on me."
Shauna thought for a moment. "He does tend to get a little overbearing when he worries about something." She pushed the pan of fudge toward Dietrich when he reached for another bar. "How would you feel about me discussing this with Sam?"
"I was going to say, 'maybe you can talk sense into him,' but I have no clue what 'sense' would be here."
"I think 'sense' would be convincing him to trust you a little more. I will admit that I can't blame him for wanting to be cautious with you." Shauna reached over to touch Dietrich's wrist, being careful not to touch the scar. "I can't begin to understand what you went through. I can't imagine having so little in life that it feels pointless to go on, or losing so many people around you. I can't imagine… not having any hope."
"All anyone can do is imagine. I hope you never go through something similar. At least you have someone you can turn to at any point."
"That's what I think Sam wants for you—to be able to live somewhere you have people to talk to whenever you need them. Like I said, he has his own weird little way of expressing himself, but he does mean well. I don't think he wants to keep you on a chain or…" An embarrassed look came over Shauna's face. "Oh, I'm so sorry! Sam told me about the chain—"
"It is alright, Shauna, I understand what you mean." Dietrich winced when Shauna squeezed his hand a little too tightly.
"I know, but I don't think that's a pleasant memory for you." Shauna let out a sigh, her face red as she looked down at the table. "That wasn't the best analogy for me to use."
"No need to worry about it."
"Alright. Anyway… I don't think he wants to keep you where he can observe you all day and all night."
"How do I convince him that it is not something to be worried about anymore?"
Shauna shrugged. "Who knows? Maybe I'll figure it out when I talk to him."
"If anyone can unravel the mystery that is Troy, it would be you."
"I'm still learning something new about him every day. He's one mystery that'll never be fully solved."
"I reckon we will find the Holy Grail before we understand Troy."
"We'll probably put people on the moon before we understand Sam."
"You still love him, though."
"I do. I know his faults, but they've never made me consider leaving him. I'll try to make something work for you."
"I appreciate that, Shauna."
"You're most welcome, Hans." Shauna put her other hand on top of Dietrich's. "Whichever you choose, we'll both be happy for you, alright? Don't feel like you'll disappoint us if you choose to go back home. I think… I think perhaps what'll be best would be for you to finish whatever you came here to accomplish, return to Germany, and see how you feel. See which place calls to you more. It might not be something you can feel now."
"That makes sense."
"I wouldn't worry about it. Give it time, and, as corny as this might sound, listen to your heart. You'll know it when the time comes."
Dietrich managed to smile. "Thank you, Shauna. I greatly appreciate you listening to me."
"No problem." Shauna stood, and took Dietrich's empty glass—as well as the pan of fudge. "Alright. Save a little for Sam. I'll have to make all sorts of treats for you to take home."
"Well, cinnamon rolls are a definite, as will be this fudge."
"What else do you like? Cake? Cookies?"
"Both."
There was a sparkle in Shauna's eyes that Dietrich could best describe as a brilliant idea striking her mind. Her grin widened, and she said, "I think you'll have a very special treat in the basket I'll make up for you."
"I look forward to it." Dietrich waited until Shauna left the kitchen, then slunk over to where she placed the fudge pan. He lifted the plastic wrap covering it, and reached in to take another bar.
"I said leave some for Sam! Get out of there!" Shauna shouted from the living room.
Dietrich nervously put the plastic wrap back on. How did she know? He peered into the living room, seeing Shauna tying the laces of her boots. She wasn't even looking in the direction of the kitchen, but she did look up just in time to see Dietrich trying to disappear.
"We do have other things for you to eat if you're still hungry. Make yourself a proper lunch—and no more fudge. I know how many bars are left, and if I come back to see one missing, you'll be cleaning the horses' stalls tomorrow," Shauna said.
Dietrich wasn't sure Shauna could really do that, but he didn't want to find out, so he left the fudge alone.
Troy wasn't thinking too much about what he was doing while dismounting from Alverstone after a ride around the ranch perimeter. He had put horse tack on and taken it off so many times that it was almost an automatic process. After putting Alverstone's equipment away, Troy started walking the young Appaloosa around to cool off. His mind was elsewhere the whole time, even though he tried several times to think of something other than Dietrich's strange behavior on their hike. Near the southernmost edge of the area fenced off for the horses, Troy paused when he saw Shauna walking over to him.
"You didn't even say 'hello' when you came back," Shauna said. "Everything alright?"
"Yeah. Everything's fine," Troy said. "Where's Dietrich?"
"Inside. He's actually what I came to talk to you about." Shauna climbed over the fence, walking alongside Troy so he could continue working with Alverstone. "We talked for a bit, and he gave me permission to talk to you about what's going on. He told me that you mentioned suggesting he move here last night."
"That's what's bothering him?" Troy asked. "I stopped thinking about that last night when he shot it down."
"And he hasn't stopped thinking about it. It's really upset him, because he's not sure what the best choice for him is."
"Why didn't he say so?"
"Because he didn't want you pressuring him into making a decision."
"I wasn't going to pressure him into making a decision."
"He was worried you would."
Troy kept walking Alverstone, with Shauna alongside him. He stayed quiet after returning Alverstone to his stall with fresh water, trying to think.
Eventually, Shauna spoke up. "I told Hans that the best thing to do might be to really ponder how he feels when he goes home, and listen to what calls him. I still think you two should talk about this."
Troy nodded a little. "Alright. I'll go… talk to him. You're sure he's being cooperative?"
Shauna sighed. "Yes, he's being cooperative. Go. I'll take care of what needs to be done out here, then I have to check on the chickens."
"Okay. Remind me to buy a new screen for their coop."
"They're my chickens, Sam, I'll go buy the screen."
"Think of it as an early wedding present."
"You haven't even proposed yet."
"I know, but I'm going to."
"Oh? When?"
"Soon."
"And when is 'soon?'"
"You'll find out." Troy kissed Shauna's forehead. "I love you."
Shauna glared at him. "You're lucky I love you back."
"You can't stay mad at me. All of this will be worth it when you see what your surprise is."
"I hope so."
"It will." Troy kissed her again, then a third time, and was about to go for a fourth when Shauna nudged him away.
"Go talk to Hans," she said.
Miraculously, Troy listened, and started heading back to the house. Inside, he found Dietrich looking bored and half-asleep in the living room. After hanging up his hat, Troy went over to roughly tousle Dietrich's hair. "Wake up, sleepyhead, it's only three in the afternoon."
"I am awake," Dietrich muttered.
"You looked like you were about to fall asleep."
"Was not."
Troy sat next to Dietrich, and tried to figure out the best way to start the conversation. "So… Shauna told me the reason you're acting weird is because you're thinking about what I said last night, about you moving here."
"There is no reason for us to discuss that, Troy," Dietrich said. "She told me to see how I feel when I go home."
"Well, she suggested we talk about it, because you were worried I was going to pressure you into making a decision right away."
"Which is a logical thing to be concerned about, given your behavior yesterday."
"I'm really trying not to do that."
"Yesterday says otherwise."
"I'm working on it."
"Clearly, you need to work harder on it."
The last thing Troy ever wanted to be accused of was not working hard enough at anything. He took a moment to compose himself, quietly sighing.
"I think I struck a nerve, judging by your silence. My apologies."
"Don't worry about it. You're right. I'm not working hard enough to stop being afraid."
"What do I have to do in order for you to not be worried every time I go off somewhere alone in a questionable mood?"
Troy shrugged. "I don't know. Tell me what's going on before you storm off? I told you earlier today—I want us to be honest with each other."
"Have we not been doing that since I arrived?"
"We have, and I want to keep it up."
Dietrich let out a heavy, exasperated sigh. "Alright, you want honesty, I will give you honesty—stop worrying every time I do something a little bit off, or want to be alone. Hitch and Tully grasped this pretty quickly, and things worked out fine with them. Even Moffitt grasped it quickly when I visited him this past Christmas. He did not pester me or get needlessly worried whenever I wanted some time alone—and he is the most anxious out of you four! Only you continue to act like it has only been days since I tried ending my own life instead of over a year."
Troy could hear frustration building in Dietrich's voice. He stayed quiet, choosing to let Dietrich finish venting.
"I am tired of being constantly reminded of what happened, and every time you get nervous about something I do, it makes me feel like we are starting all over again! Why are you the only one of your group who cannot understand this? Are you so damn dense that you cannot understand that for once in my life, I want to feel at least somewhat normal?! Why do you think it took me so long just to come here? You sent Hitch and Tully to spy on me, and you should consider yourself lucky that things went well with them!"
Things were going well. I had to screw it up, Troy thought.
"You do not want me to move here for my benefit! You want me to move here for your benefit! Shauna insists that you mean well, but I remember you saying last year that you felt guilty over what happened! This is all about your guilt and it has nothing to do with—"
"Alright, that's enough!" Troy turned to glare at Dietrich. "None of that is true! I do think it would be better for you to move here! I wasn't thinking about myself at all when I made that suggestion last night! It's ridiculous that you're even worried about this! Why? Because I dropped the subject when you brushed it off! I knew continuing to talk about it would just upset you, so I didn't say another word about it! You're the one who's blowing things out of proportion and assuming that I only want you to move here just so I can keep an eye on you! I've left you alone and given you all the space you want in the few days you've been here, but I get concerned about you one time and suddenly you think we're back to where we started! What's it going to take for you to see that I'm trying to move past this?!"
Troy braced himself for Dietrich to continue lashing out. Instead, he was met with silence.
The rage and vitriol started fading from Dietrich's eyes. He slumped further in his seat, staring blankly up at the ceiling. He was quiet, looking deep in thought, then sighed and said, "Why are we still questioning each other's motives?"
"Because that's what we're used to doing with each other," Troy replied.
"Can we just… stop… please?" Dietrich covered his face. "I am so tired of it."
"So am I."
"Alright. We are in agreement on that. Can we agree to stop fighting for good?"
"I thought I said 'permanent truce' last year."
"Troy, you questioned me, and I questioned you in all of our truces during the war."
"Good point."
"From now on, no more."
"No more." Troy stood, then held out his hand.
Dietrich got up as well, and took Troy's hand—then found himself being pulled into a hug. "For heaven's sake, Troy, this is unnecessary," he groaned.
For a moment, it was difficult to believe that they were yelling at each other a minute ago. Troy held on, a little surprised that despite Dietrich's complaining, he wasn't actively trying to escape the hug. Dietrich was, however, refusing to return the hug. He simply gave a defeated sigh and stayed put. "You know, Hitch did something similar when he and Tully were visiting me."
"What, Hitch yelled at you?" Troy asked. He couldn't imagine Hitch yelling at anyone.
"No," Dietrich said, rolling his eyes, "he showed me this type of affection, and I told him it was unnecessary." When he got no response, he sighed again. "Just… refrain from squeezing too hard. Please."
Troy let go. "Alright. No more arguing, no more questioning each other's motives. I will stop assuming the worst with you—"
"And I will stop assuming the worst with you."
"Done." Troy gestured out the window. "Want to come with me to buy a new screen for Shauna's chicken coop?"
"You have quite a lot of screen material in the garage," Dietrich said. "You have no reason to buy more."
"Wait… I do?" Troy raised an eyebrow. "I thought I ran out a long time ago."
"Yes. It is rolled up in a box. It is one of the lighter ones, too. Top shelf, third from the right."
"How do you remember that?"
Dietrich gave him a look. "I can, alright? Not sure that is something that I—or anyone—can explain to you."
Troy was just happy he didn't have to go buy material that he didn't need. "Okay, then, do you want to help me fix the chicken coop?"
"Do I have to be near the demon chickens?"
"No. You can help me make a new door, and I'll install it on my own."
"Fine."
