My dad pulled up in front of Winslow High, joining the stream of other parents. I started to open the door and hop out of the car, but he put his hand on my shoulder.
"Taylor, I'm proud of you," he said, giving me a smile and a squeeze. He still looked like death warmed over, having been up all night just like me. I was tired, but not as exhausted as him. I guess he took me being missing pretty seriously.
I almost just jumped out of the car, but Charlotte popped up in the corner of my vision on top of a web with writing in it.
NEW QUEST
Give dad a hug!
Come on, he deserves one! And so do you. Love yourself a little!
REWARD: 25XP, and your dad feels happy. You probably will too.
I rolled my eyes, and gave my dad a quick one armed hug. "Love you, dad."
He grunted and mumbled something, but I could see the tears in his eyes. It made me want to cry too, so I hurried to get out, closing the door behind me. I stopped and gave my dad a little wave as little fireworks went off in the corner of my vision. Charlotte got out four pom poms and did a little dance.
Seriously, why did capes not talk about how weird this was? Maybe because their shards were just as extraordinarily embarrassing and useless as mine was.
Sighing, I turned around and found my least three favorite people in the world waiting for me. No, not Kazuma. He's a jerk, but he grows on you. Sort of like a yeast infection. No, it was Madison, Sophia and…Emma. My one time former best friend, now my arch rival. Personally, I considered her more of a threat than Lung, and a lot more evil.
"Wow, Taylor. Waving goodbye to daddy? What is this, elementary school?" Emma sneered. "Did he pack you a lunch?"
"Yes, actually. It's my favorite: cheese and broccoli soup from the deli on Thomas, with a nice roll and a Diet Dr Pepper," I said, holding up my lunch bag. "I know it's hard to imagine, Emma, but some of us have stable home lives and parents that love us. I know these little talks we have are the closest thing to a meaningful relationship you have, and I value them just as much as you do."
Honestly, I have no idea where that came from. OK, maybe I do. It's the sort of smart ass bullshit that Kazuma would say, because of COURSE he would. I was tired, and irritated, and frankly, after facing down a fire breathing dragon and telling my dad the truth…I just didn't care anymore. If I'd had a bit more sleep, maybe I would have just taken it and scurried away.
It certainly didn't help that Charlotte spun a new web that said "YAS BITCH, SLAY!" on it. I'm starting to think that my shard is a snarky little jerk. Don't tell anyone, but I sort of like it.
Emma was taken aback by my retort, but Sophia snorted in derision. "You talk a big game, but you're the one who's only friend is Scumzuma. So desperate for affection that you'd hang out with him?"
"Sarcasm is the language of the weak," Madison agreed, rolling her eyes. "Maybe she thinks she's clever or something."
That left me at a loss, and I tried to think of what to say. Then Charlotte was at it again.
NEW QUEST
Punch that Bitch
0/3 bitches popped in the mouth.
+10 XP
You know you want to.
"Don't tempt me," I muttered.
"What's that? Speak up. Or are you going to scurry off like the little roach you are?" Emma taunted.
I was about to send a roach or six down Emma's throat, when a deep voice said, "Ladies, please, there's no need to fight."
Emma and Madison looked a little put out, but Sophia perked up and opened her arms. A tall, muscular asian boy with dyed blonde hair that was perfectly coiffed stepped into her embrace, bending down to kiss Sophia on the lips. That made Emma look a little jealous, while Madison rolled her eyes.
Oh, of course. Sophia would be dating Kyouya. He was pretty to look at, don't get me wrong, and he got good grades, in addition to being on the baseball team and being a star athlete. Most girls would consider him a prime catch. But he was just so…smug about it. Kyouya Mitsurugi KNEW he was handsome, charming, and smart, and while he acted like he didn't want those three to bully me, he would also talk down to me about "taking better care of myself" and "having more of a backbone."
What an absolute ponce.
"Really Taylor, you have to learn not to antagonize others," Kyouya said, turning to face me with one arm around Sophia, who smirked at me, clutching on to Kyouya like he was some sort of prize. She seemed to think I would be jealous to see her pawing at her boyfriend, but no.
"Come on, Sophia. I want to talk about our plans for the weekend. I was wondering if you could help me with something," Kyouya said, and he and Sophia went inside the school building.
"Damn. You think she'd be up for a threesome, or a moresome?" Emma asked Madison. "He's a whole hunk to handle."
"Uh, no thanks," Madison said, looking rather uncomfortable.
"Pff, I'd bang him and Sophia. Have you seen her abs?" Emma asked. Then she left.
That left me with Madison. For a moment I was tempted to slap her, but then I blurted out, "For all I care, those two deserve one another. Sophia's a violent bitch, and Kyouya's a smug prick. Seriously, Mads, why do you hang out with her and Emma? Emma uses you like her flunky, and Sophia only cares about her new boy toy."
Madison turned to me and blinked. "Mads?"
I shrugged. "You'd have to be mad to want to sleep with Emma, Kyouya, or Sophia. You know you'd be the bottom bitch with all of them."
Madison looked horrified for a moment, but then a snort escaped her. She covered her hand with her mouth, stifling a giggle. "I, um…yeah. Probably."
"Unless you're into that sort of thing," I said with a shrug.
"Er…" Madison fidgeted with her backpack straps, looking as uncomfortable as if she were standing there naked, except for wet socks.
"Yeah, this is an awkward conversation. I'm not used to talking to you without the other two harpies around, and normally it's just taunts and insults. But this was fun: Let's do it again sometime, without your handlers. You seem like you could be a decent person if you let yourself." Then I walked off, not bothering to turn back. I was too exhausted to give a damn.
I made my way to my first class, plunking down at my desk and propping my head on one hand and trying not to fall asleep. I was far from the only kid who looked like a zombie. Sure, it was a Monday morning, but I doubted any of them had as eventful a weekend as I had. I seriously should have just told my dad to call in sick for me. He would have.
"Hi Taylor! Sorry about last night. Don't worry, I hit the Pedo-NEET an extra time just for you."
I blinked, coming out of my daze, and turned to see a girl I'd never seen before in my life sitting next to me. She had bright blue hair, and was wearing…what the hell? It looked like one of those trashy school uniforms from those comics and shows Kazuma and I had watched. What was that stupid song he'd sang? Sailor Fuku? Yeah, that was what she was wearing.
"Uh, I'm sorry…who are you again?" I asked, blinking at the girl. Why did she have a bright blue ribbon on her blouse, and the cut…that was a bit low. Not as much as that skirt was short. Every time she crossed her legs, every boy in the classroom would be ogling her. But..she didn't seem to be going for the slutty look. Winslow had plenty of girls who were tramps and dressed like it, but despite how provocative the clothes were, she seemed both oblivious and innocent. That was…odd.
"Oh, I guess we haven't talked before. Eris has just told me about you," the girl babbled. "I'm-"
I jumped out of my seat and put my hand over the girl's mouth. "How do you-!? Never mind! Mr. Schlotzsky, I need to use the bathroom!"
My homeroom teacher looked up over his glasses. "I haven't even called roll yet."
"It's an emergency! I'm taking um, my new friend too, she doesn't know where it is."
"MMPH MMPH!" the bluenette said as I dragged her out of her seat, hand still over her mouth. Bless the two points I'd put in strength. They hadn't been important to my "build" according to Charlotte, but I didn't want to be a wimp if I tangled with some thug.
"Wait, that's our new student, where are you and-"
"Femine problems! Our time of the month!" I said hastily.
That immediately got Mr. Schlotzsky to go pale and shut up. "Er, of course, no need for a pass, just go."
I did in fact drag the stranger who had just about blurted out my life secrets to the bathroom and slammed the door shut behind us. I put a few spiders on the handle to make sure no one tried to come in, and scouted the stalls with some roaches. Clear.
I removed my hand from my still struggling kidnappee and stepped back. "Right. Talk. How do you know Eris, and who is she?"
"She's my best friend, duh! We came to Earth together to save it from the Warrior and Eden. Well, actually, we just caught some episodes of TV and that was way more interesting than where we had been going anyway so we came! It's totally like an episode of Power Rangers, except we're much cuter than Zordon. And Eden's way more of a jerk than Rita Repulsa."
I blinked slowly. I was way too tired for this level of nonsense this early in the morning. It wasn't even first period.
"Right. And…what is your name, exactly?" I asked, scrubbing my hand through my face several times.
I kid you not, the girl suddenly floated up in the air, a staff with a lily blossom on the tip appearing in her hand as swirling blue lights danced about her. "I am Aqua, Goddess of Water, guardian of humanity, creator of heroes, muse of the arts, and Sophomore at Winslow High School."
She smiled beautifically at me, and I just stared at her, my expression sagging. "You, Champion, have been chosen by my fellow goddess, Eris, to save this world. Together, we will-"
"You really have to stop that," I moaned. "What if someone sees you? How the hell do I explain to everyone that I kidnapped a cape and dragged her to the bathroom?"
Aqua dropped to the ground and the staff vanished. I was initially pleased by this, until I saw that she was pouting.
"You interrupted my speech! Ugh, I try and grant you mortals blessings, even descending from the heavenly realm to aid you directly, and this is my thanks?" Aqua huffed, turning her back on me.
"Why…why did you…? Are you and Eris like…you said you came to Earth? Are you aliens or something?" I sighed, wondering if I should drink my Doctor Pepper now. I'd had coffee at home, but there wasn't enough caffeine in the world for this.
"No! We're goddesses! Not just aliens! Clearly, we are far beyond your mortal ken!" Aqua huffed, planting her hands on her hips.
Alright, I'd had enough. Dealing with Lung, that had been bad. Having my panties stolen, that had been humiliating. Dealing with the Bitch Trio's BS, that was typical. But this? I was so done with this.
I slapped Aqua. She let out a squawk of surprise, and put her hand to her cheek as tears filled her eyes. "Y-you hit m-me! BWAAAAAAA!"
Oh my god. And not this one. This "god" was now sitting on the filthy bathroom floor in a micro skirt and bawling her eyes out. I couldn't. I just couldn't. I reached down and hauled Aqua up by the scruff of her neck, making her squeal in panic and pain.
"You listen to me, little Miss 'Goddess.' You are not a god. You are not a deity. You're a bratty teenager with delusions of grandeur. You're not even a cape. You dye your hair and you RP with Kazuma because he's into nerd shit like that, and so help me, so am I because LARPing with him was the most fun I've had since my mother died. You understand?"
I was rambling and I knew it, but Aqua was so shocked she had stopped crying and was just gaping at me.
"While you are at Winslow, you are not a goddess. You're a teenager. You do teenager stuff, like whine about homework, copy down notes, eat lunch with your friends, and gossip about cute boys," I snarled.
"I-I like cute girls better though," Aqua sniveled.
"Fantastic! Awesome! You can be our new lesbian queen for all I care! But you do not talk about aliens, gods, or mention that Kazuma and I are capes! You do not talk about Eris. You do not talk about what we do while we are capes. You can hit Kazuma, God knows I certainly do-"
"Yeah, he totally deserves it," Aqua agreed.
I didn't skip a beat. "-and thanks for slapping him for me yesterday. I don't know what he did to you but I'm sure it was perverted as hell."
Aqua's expression darkened. "He stole my panties."
"That bastard. I'll slap him twice next time I see him, sister. You mark my words," I swore.
"Yeah!" Aqua agreed, standing up on her own. I let her go. "Right! I'll do super good in school! This is like the RP of Suburbs and Cityscapes Eris and I did while we were still traveling to Earth!"
"You do that. But you cannot break character. Who are you?" I demanded.
"I'm Aqua Mizu! I'm 16 years old, and I just moved here from Japan! I like manga, anime, and professional wrestling!" Aqua declared, clenching her fists and holding them up as a determined expression stole over her face. "My Birthday is August First, my blood type is B, and my favorite food is TunaMayo Rice!"
I do not know why I needed to know her birthday or why the hell her blood type mattered, but Kazuma had said I was a "Typical AB" whatever the hell THAT meant.
"Right. You get out there, and you be a teenager. If you can complete this quest, there will be treasure and XP at the end," I vowed.
"Yeah! I can do this!" Aqua agreed.
"What's your first class?" I demanded.
"English with Mrs. Sanchez! I can do English!" Aqua declared
"GO GET THEM TIGER!" I shouted, and jerked open the door. A very nervous looking Madison froze, her shoe lifted into the air in one hand, apparently about to splatter the spider who had been guarding the door.
"YES MA'AM!" Aqua declared, and strutted out past the still frozen Madison
I stepped outside, towards the still frozen Madison. I grabbed her by the shoulders and slammed her into the wall, putting my face right in hers.
"T-Taylor!" Madison gasped, dropping her shoe. "W-what are you-"
"You have Sanchez first period, don't you?" I growled. Madison leaned back, flushing red. Was my breath really that bad? I had brushed my teeth this morning, right?
She nodded mutely, her throat convulsing as she swallowed.
"You keep an eye on that girl, got it? You watch Aqua Mizu like a hawk, and you tell me if she does anything weird right away. You understand? No one else. You breathe a word of this to Emma or Sophia, and I will personally ensure that Kazuma Sato steals your panties and runs them up the flagpole for the whole world to see. You understand me?"
"I, what?! Taylor, how dare you-" Madison sputtered
I reached out and pushed her against the wall again, pressing my forehead to hers. "Do. You. Understand. Me."
"I-I…yes?" Madison gasped, shivering against me.
I stepped back and straightened my blouse. "Good. Now get moving. You keep Aqua out of trouble or it's your panties and your dignity on the line."
"I, um…" Madison fidgeting nervously. "I still have to go to the bathroom…C-can I…?"
"HURRY IT UP AND GET MOVING!" I snapped, and swatted her on the rear end to get her going.
Madison let out a squeak and dove for the nearest stall. I nodded to myself, and headed back to class, certain that I had taken care of everything.
In the corner of my eye, Charlotte crawled out from whatever hole she'd been hiding in, and gave me four thumbs up. How did she have little hands?
QUEST PROGRESS: BECOME A REAL ANIME PROTAGONIST
New haremette acquired. Harem progress: 3/10.
What the hell.
Why was my life sheer madness now?
Oh sweet merciful Eris, please tell me Aqua wasn't a member of my harem. I think I would just save myself the trouble and go pick a fight with an Endbringer. Naked.
Actually, I think I'd save that for if Kazuma was a member of the harem. Or worse. Kyouya.
I stopped and put my head in my hands to weep. I had a harem. Why did I have a harem?
The toll of doom sounded, and I gathered my supplies and descended into the depths, armed only with my satchel of supplies and eyepatch. I was the first to reach the former Drama Club Room, now the Domain of the Crimson Demon Clan. Or perhaps the Lair of the Crimson Demon Clan. Either way, I sat down and waited for Yunyun to show up. We hadn't had any food at home, again, except for some leftovers I had packed for Komekko's lunch.
"H-Hi, M-Megumin! I, um, I b-brought an extra bento if you w-want one," my victim said, coming into our sanctuary and offering me my due tribute.
"Give it!" I snarled and grabbed the offered box. I tore it open and started eating immediately. I hadn't even had breakfast, not after waking up late and not getting any McDonalds the night before.
"I-It's nice to have lunch with F-Friends," Yunyun said happily as Arue swept into the room, carrying a tray from the school cafeteria. She tossed me her milk. She certainly didn't need it, but I drank it down easily.
"So, what plans shall we make today, my coven mates?" Arue asked, sitting down and steepling her fingers.
I lowered my chopsticks and glared, red eyes gleaming in the dim light. "I think we all know who public enemy number one is now: Kazuma Sato."
"Um, I-I thought we were going to help your sister rescue Lung?" Yunyun asked.
"THAT CAN WAIT!" I declared, and held my cell phone. I passed it to Yunyun, who read aloud.
"That son of a bitch did WHAT to my baby sisters?! Oh, it's on. Tell the others we're building a special bomb for that jerk. Don't worry, I'll make Oni-Lee find out where he lives. The world will know that no one messes with the Crimson Demon Clan."
Bakuda, Chief of the Crimson Demon Clan."
Seriously, how could she read that and not stutter? She'd been getting therapy for years. It should have worked by now.
"And so, our orders are signed, and his fate is sealed," Arue said, nodding in satisfaction. "He claimed to be a Ward as well. Will our strike go to the heart of the protectorate?"
"Of course! And we have a woman on the inside: Aqua promised to help bring Kazuma to Justice," I decreed.
"Um, d-do we really have to blow him up? H-he did um, give them back," Yunyun pointed out, blushing.
"He made Komekko cry. And he stole our McDonalds. That is a crime worthy of death," I huffed. "We shall construct a series of bombs, and plant them at all the places he frequents. We already know he attends Winslow High School."
"Yes, and Winslow has long been the rivals of our Alma Mater," Arue agreed. "Though the Crimson Demon Clan knows no earthly bonds, I am fond of Clarendon High."
"Though we are but freshmen, Scumzuma shall know of our fury!" I vowed.
"B-but we could get expelled if we blow up a school!" Yunyun protested. "M-maybe we should, um, just blow up his car…I-I don't really want to kill him…"
"A Pedo-NEET like him doesn't have a car," I scoffed. "We need to take more drastic measures. We shall meet at our lair after school, and begin construction. I have plans: I shall use my vast powers as a tinker to construct the most glorious of explosives, ones that shall impress even our noble leader!"
I did my best to sound sincere: no one could know of my shame.
"I shall make devices that shall baffle his mind and befuffle his senses. When we are done, Kazuma Sato shall beg to be our slave," Arue declared.
"Um, um, the XV-8 is almost r-ready. I-I just have to w-work on the stabilizers and g-gyro scope, um, I have the power system nailed down, a-and I think the w-weapons are working. T-they did in testing…"
"Excellent! Komekko shall summon forth her demonic minion, and we shall go to war!" I stood atop my wobbling desk and posed. "LET BROCKTON BAY TREMBLE! THE CRIMSON DEMON CLAN SHALL WRITE IT'S NAME IN FIRE AND BLOOD ACROSS THIS WRETCHED CITY!"
There was a bang on the door to the classroom adjacent to ours.
"MEGAN MURUMARU, QUIET DOWN!" Mr. Rickton shouted. "I'M TRYING TO EAT!"
I sighed and hopped down. I hated it when people used my slave name. "We begin after the final bell. Now, let us fortify ourselves with shall be a long campaign."
