Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?

Frank POV

oOoOo

I sighed. It's almost twenty to six, dinner is just about ready and she's clock watching. The table has been set with the expensive dinnerware and our best cutlery set, as well as the cloth serviettes with those fancy serviette rings. Hmph. Crystal wine glasses and water glasses at each setting made it look very elegant. The ice bucket was ready just off to the side. Oh boy. She really has gone all out for this occasion. It's been so annoying and I'm ready for whatever happens this evening.

She's humming. She never hums before dinner. I folded my newspaper, leaving the rest of the cryptic crossword for later, putting the pen down in its usual spot. I decided to go upstairs to the bathroom before going to the bedroom window, to watch the imminent arrival of tonight's seemingly special dinner guest who warrants the full dinner service. What's the occasion? My curiosity and suspicions are piqued. No prizes for guessing correctly.

I don't trust her motives lately. She's become so obsessive, sly and secretive. She's up to something, I feel it in my bones. She's been flipping through magazines then hiding them from view as soon as she hears my approach. On the phone her manner has also become secretive with whisper talking or that false conversation in a forced louder voice, quickly changing the subject. I shake my head.

Damnit. Something is about to happen, something she has orchestrated because this time Helen has been preening, with a bit of lipstick and wearing her best apron. What the hell was that about? I have a bad feeling about this. I know Stephanie agreed to come to dinner and that's when it hit me. I counted the place settings. Edna was doing the same. We looked at each other and rolled our eyes.

"Are you ready for this, Edna? It seems that tonight's the night."

"You bet your sweet ass, Frank. We have to nail her once and for all."

We knuckle bumped and chuckled at our own devious plan. Our counter manoeuvre to Helen's secret mission was a calculated strategy, something we both agreed upon wholeheartedly. We're going to fight fire with fire. Give her a taste of her own medicine. God knows we know the script off by heart.

Scissors, paper, rock. Damnit. Edna gets the opening gambit. Bring it on!

"I see you dressed for the occasion as well. You're looking very sporty retro. Anything I need to know?"

"I'd like to say let's get physical, but our ammo will be her own words thrown back in her face. I am so looking forward to this. Better still, I can't wait for tomorrow when we go shopping."

Edna was wearing a string of pearls over her hot pink mesh top covering a white t-shirt. To complete the 80s outfit, she wore her favourite pink, aqua and purple retro parachute silk track suit pants and jacket, with white high top sneakers. The retro look was finished with fluoro pink leg warmers matching her freshly coifed curls in hot pink, complete with a white twisted headband. One of her most demure outfits I can ever recall. I'll never get used to her crazy outfits but this one was more special, revealing less skin for a change.

"Stephanie replied to Helen's dinner invitation, confirming they'd come together in his car. I made sure that we already have the right number of place settings. Helen wasn't listening and only set the table for five, but there will be six."

"Good stuff, Edna. Yes, tonight will just be a little warm up for tomorrow's more public event."

Looking down from the bedroom window, we saw Stephanie arrive. She looked up and finger waved at us, covering her mouth in a secret little snigger while she waited for him to open her car door.

"Such a gentleman. And, so handsome, too," Edna sighed. "Wish I was a couple of decades younger, I might give her a run for her money. Competition is always healthy. Survival of the species. Can't really call it sibling rivalry, now can I?" She chuckled.

He glanced up at us, giving us a little smirk and a subtle salute.

"Come on, Edna. Positions."

Edna happily danced down the stairs to open the front door. Helen was busy in the kitchen. We both heard the squeaky cupboard open and the clink of a bottle against glass. I signalled it was tippling time to which Edna rolled her eyes. "That's four already," she mouthed.

Well, she's going to be in fine form this evening. Upon opening the front door, Edna took their coats and hugged them both warmly. I shook hands with him and hugged my Pumpkin. He gave Edna a little posy of violets in an ornate little vase. For me he handed me a Cuban cigar, for later, and a bottle of red wine, a nice merlot. I nodded approvingly and grinned my thanks.

"Games faces on."

They nodded, mischievous grins disappearing. Inside the dining room Stephanie eyed the tableware with raised eyebrows then shook her head, rolling her eyes towards the kitchen. We sat down in our designated seats, leaving the special guest between Helen and Edna. In this way, she couldn't do a quick seat swap since Stephanie was between Carlos and me. Edna nodded, reading my mind. We both knew how conniving Helen can be.

Edna placed the violets in the centre of the table beaming at Carlos. She hesitated. On second thoughts, she decided to place the vase safely on the sideboard.

"They should be here soon," Helen sing-songed from the kitchen. "Stephanie said they were coming together in his car. How exciting."

We four glanced at each other, Stephanie released her last eye roll before the show down. Carlos grabbed her hand, kissed it before putting their joined hands under the table. I like his style.

There was a knock at the door. "I'll get it," she gushed with a giggle. Edna stuck two fingers in her mouth in the contrived gag reaction.

"Come in, Joseph dear. Everything is all set up. Where's Stephanie?"

"Helen. She's in here already. You were busy so I let them in."

She walked into the dining room, still holding Morelli's coat, "Them?"

"Tsk. You didn't listen, Helen. I told you her message that they were coming together. Why me? Why can't my daughter listen better?"

And so it begins. Opening gambit played.

Helen glared at Stephanie and her lips pursed tightly when she glared at Carlos, like she had sucked two or three lemons. Carlos stood handing Helen a bunch of lovely tulips in fancy paper and clear cellophane, with a florist's fancy bow.

"Good evening Mrs Plum. Thank you for inviting me over for dinner."

"Oh. Er …Thank you. You're welcome," Helen said automatically, allowing her Burg manners to prevail. She was confused.

Stephanie pressed her lips tightly together then composed herself with a helpful encouraging squeeze from Carlos. I opened the bottle of red wine, to breathe.

Surprised, Helen stared at her mother, with those cutting words. In a huff, Helen turned to place his coat in the hall cupboard and stomped into the kitchen, leaving him standing there in no man's land. He was scowling, especially at Carlos and then the seating arrangements. He was not happy. No greetings. Quite rude. Oh, this is going to be good.

"Cat got your tongue?" Edna asked pointedly. He ignored her. Pfft. Not impressed with his Burg manners. He looked uncomfortable and a bit agitated. Good.

As soon as Helen walked in pushing the dinner trolley laden with all the serving dishes, he smiled, "Thank you for inviting me, Helen."

Edna helped her set the serving dishes on the table. Helen then returned with pride on her face as she presented the two roast chickens in front of me with the carving knife and fork.

"Chicken? What's this Helen? Friday night is pot roast night. We always have pot roast. I already have the wine breathing, which Carlos brought, a nice rich merlot. I was expecting pot roast. Can't you get anything right, woman?"

Gambit two.

Her surprised expression was priceless, her mouth opening and closing like a goldfish. Wide-eyed and shocked, she glanced at her guests nervously, before dropping her chin with her eyes down cast. Carlos stood and held her chair while she plopped down in shock, pushing her in gently like a true gentleman. Morelli was obviously annoyed by this courtesy, scowling at Carlos. He never thought to do that. Maybe I should keep score. Fucker.

"We … we had guests for dinner so I thought a nice roast chicken dinner would be nice for a change," she spluttered trying to recover some dignity. "Two chickens was a good special as well," she added for good measure.

"Dang. I was looking forward to pot roast, too," muttered Edna. "I'm disappointed in you, Helen."

Helen jolted in surprise at her mother's criticism, like she had been zapped. Her shoulders slumped. Morelli was confused but then let it go over his head.

Our tag team was starting off well. Helen took a large swig of her 'iced tea' catching my disapproving glare as I shook my head. Her whiskey was more potent than this fine wine, a nice full-bodied drop.

"This is so embarrassing. I'm sorry, Pumpkin and Carlos." I deliberately didn't acknowledge Morelli.

While I carved the chicken, the vegetables were passed around. Stephanie heaped my plate with mashed potato and vegetables. Carlos politely offered the chicken platter to Helen before he selected his own. She passed it on to Morelli who did not offer it to Edna until he had chosen his select pieces. Man. Fucking idiot doesn't get it. Same with the gravy, not taking Carlos' courtesy by example, he helped himself first.

Dinner was eaten in silence. I complimented Carlos on the wine, savouring the rich palate. "Merlot is America's second favourite wine, after cabernet sauvignon. I prefer the merlot. Good choice, Carlos," as I sniffed it before taking a lovely mouthful. It's not the right accompaniment with chicken. Morelli scowled at Carlos with my compliments.

"Thank goodness you made extra gravy, Helen. The chicken's a bit dry." I muttered disparagingly as I added more gravy to my meal.

Helen stared at me, stunned. For one, she's not used to me making comments at all while we eat. But mostly, it's because of my negative remarks.

"It's very tasty, Helen," Mr Smarmy Italian simpered. Jeez.

Discreetly, he placed a square box on the table. Stephanie coughed as he put his hand over it. Edna dropped her serviette.

"Oopsie," she said, looking down at the floor.

Morelli picked it up for her. As he bent down she took the box and hid it in one of her pockets. Stephanie tried to contain a snort, taking a sip of her wine. She breathed, before taking a sip of her water. Morelli gave Edna her serviette and looked confused, checking the table, under his serviette, and then the floor, even his pockets. This was too funny. I coughed, to cover my snort as well.

"That was delicious, Helen. You'll have to teach Stephanie how to cook those tasty honey glazed carrots. I really liked them."

What the fuck?! Asshole. "You'll have to teach Stephanie?" I stared at him until he had to turn his head away.

"Of course, Joseph."

Helen quickly loaded the empty plates and dishes onto her new trolley, pushing it into the kitchen. Edna grabbed the carving tools and the carving tray, giving me a wink. She's going in for phase two.

"Stephanie! Come and help with dessert," Helen commanded.

"Don't worry, Stephanie. I got it covered. You've already had a busy day."

From the kitchen we could hear Edna starting in on her.

"What was that all about, Helen?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Don't think I didn't notice the special dinnerware and the best cutlery. Were you expecting the Mayor? Or the Governor perhaps? And what's with his request to teach Stephanie how to cook your carrots? Frank was disappointed not to get his pot roast. You know how he loves his pot roast."

"Mother," Helen whined, trying to hush Edna.

"Oh, come on! Was that all for Joseph's benefit? What the hell? And don't think I didn't notice the ice bucket. What the hell is that for? You're up to something. I'm surprised at you, Helen. Your husband is the most important man, not some guest. Get your priorities right. Why me? Where did I go wrong with you?"

Touché Edna.

"I'll put the coffee on. You do the cake. Now get on with it. No! You've had enough of that 'iced tea' already."

The sound of dishes being rinsed quickly and loaded into the dishwasher was obvious but then there was that distinct gurgling sound. It was unmistakeable. An audible gasp from Helen confirmed my curiosity. Edna had tipped the whiskey down the sink. Yep, clinkity-clink went the empty bottle in the laundry recycling box.

"Pssht. You should have had some wine like the rest of us. That's what a proper sociable hostess would do. Honestly. I'm sure I taught you those hostess skills, Helen."

In the meantime, it was quiet here in the dining room. Morelli looked uncomfortable without his biggest fan and ally, in Helen. We could easily hear Edna chastising Helen. I hid my smile by sipping and savouring my merlot when Helen whined as the whiskey was poured down the sink. Stephanie spotted the ice bucket and frowned, nudging Carlos. Morelli in the meantime was trying to seem unobtrusive in searching for the missing box. He even patted his pockets surreptitiously trying to figure out if he did take it out.

"How was your day, Daddy? Did you have any fares today?"

Oh, thank goodness. A neutral ice breaker. I smiled at my youngest daughter with her blue eyes sparkling, her head making a tiny nod in Morelli's direction and the ice bucket behind him. I nodded with a wink.

"It was alright today. An early fare to the Newark Airport. I waited and was lucky to get a return fare back to New Brunswick, and another from there to Princeton. That worked well for me. Good timing as well, since I was catching up with some buddies at the Lodge."

"That's great. Do the fares usually connect so well?"

"Hm. Not always. I guess it was my lucky day."

Edna came in with the cake plates, coffee cups and the pot of coffee on that trolley, with sugar and creamer. Again, with the fancy tableware. Helen followed with a cinnamon streusel cake. Now that's a cake I really love. Helen cut the cake while Edna poured the coffee. She was serving the portions passing the first slice to Morelli. Hm. I frowned. The next piece she passed to Carlos, who passed it on to Stephanie, much to Helen's surprise. But Stephanie passed it on to me with a smile. Morelli was already eating his before everyone had a slice. Selfish bastard. I decided to make a point and passed it on to Edna who smirked knowingly.

"Thank you, Frank. How thoughtful of you."

Morelli jerked, realising what he had not done. Courtesy was not a Morelli trait it seems.

The next slices were passed along again to Carlos, who passed it on to Stephanie and then to me, with him passing the next slice to Stephanie with a smile. Helen nearly didn't cut Carlos a slice, but my pointed glare told her enough to cut a slice for him. Then she sat with her own slice quaking at her error and bad manners.

"This cake is very nice, Helen. So moist and tasty." Morelli said after picking all the crumbs and sipping his coffee while we had only just received ours. Where are his Burg manners? He tried to recover some dignity. Whatever. More like point scoring.

"Thank you, Joseph," Helen beamed at his compliment.

I didn't have the heart to fault her cake. Edna nodded, understanding my reluctance. Everyone was enjoying the cake and savouring it with the coffee. In fact, it was an excellent combination.

"My aunt used to make this cake when we came to visit, Mrs Plum. She won prizes at the fair for her cake. This is most excellent," Carlos complimented. Helen accepted his praise with a tight smile. What's with that?

Each of us picked and licked up all the streusel crumbs, with wet finger tips. I hummed my approval and sipped my coffee. Edna looked over the rim of her cup with a raised eyebrow.

"Would anyone like anymore?"

"Oh yes," Morelli said eagerly passing his plate to her. She smiled and cut him another slice before finishing her own.

"I hope Stephanie knows this recipe," the fucker said. What the fuck? I made a sort of growl. Helen's eyes caught mine and briefly checked herself. Edna poured me another coffee. We waited, knowing something was about to happen.

Dabbing her mouth with her serviette, Helen looked at Stephanie.

"Mother said you had a busy day, today Stephanie. Are you still working for Vincent?" Helen asked pointedly.

"Only some of the time. I also work part-time for Rangeman."

"Oh? I didn't know you had two jobs? Rangeman. What is that?" Well that was a false contrived question if ever I heard one. I wonder where this is leading?

"Rangeman is my company, Mrs Plum," Carlos explained politely. "It's an elite security company providing a variety of services. We also take the medium and high bond skips for Vincent Plum Bail Bonds Company. Stephanie is one of our top researchers."

Morelli sneered when Carlos spoke.

"Oh. I heard it was full of thugs and criminals," Helen remarked in a haughty manner, side-eyeing Morelli who gave her a nod of encouragement. Jesus!

"Helen," I growled. "You shouldn't listen to lies and gossip. It is a reputable company."

I wasn't going to elaborate any further, nor was Carlos. Stephanie held back but then said, "Well, mother. I work there. Does that make me a thug? Or a criminal?"

"Honestly Stephanie. It's time you settled down and lived the Burg life you have been destined for. Get married, settle down and have some babies like all good Burg housewives."

This is insufferable. I glared at my wife, as she took a fortifying sip of her wine. When did she fill her glass?

"Why? I enjoy my work and the friends I have there."

"But they're all men!"

"And? Lots of my friends are men." I noticed that Stephanie was not forthcoming with details either. I smiled at her tactics.

"Yes, that's the problem. People talk. They say unspeakable things. What will the neighbours think? Why me?"

"My neighbours are fine with that. Rangeman provides security for my building and the residents are very happy with the service."

Touché, Pumpkin. I chuckled. Her neighbours are fine with that. I patted her hand.

"Who's going to want you with all your gallivanting and chasing criminals? That's not appropriate for a Burg lady."

"Oh puh-lease. How do you think I pay the rent? Money doesn't grow on trees and I have bills to pay."

"If you got married you wouldn't need to work. Joseph here is prepared to overlook all this gallivanting and crazy notions you seem to have. Tick tock. The clock is ticking. You're not getting any younger, you know."

"Cupcake." The look he gave her was sickeningly smarmy.

Oh Christ. Here we go.

"I have a house. We could get married and you wouldn't need to work. You can cook my meals and we can have children. I have a ring here … somewhere," he fumbled. "Ah. Here it is."

Good timing Edna. She winked at Stephanie, raising her eyebrow at me. Simultaneously, the four of us folded our arms, giving him pause for thought. That's the premise he's using?

"Oh! How exciting!" Helen exclaimed, grabbing the ice bucket. "This is a cause for celebration." She dashed into the kitchen returning with a bottle of bubbly, not even waiting for Stephanie's response.

The fucker was trying to figure out how to move closer to Stephanie, like kneeling in front of her with his implausible suggestion. He hasn't actually asked the question. That's not a proposal. No one moved, so he stood there rather awkwardly, fumbling with the box.

Helen gushed and was beside herself. "Helen. Sit down!" I growled.

Startle-eyed, she looked at me quite shocked. She was the only one in this room who was excited. Slowly she sat down, placing her twisting nervous hands in her lap.

Morelli looked hopefully at Stephanie.

"Stephanie," Helen implored. I growled. This time she backed down completely under my steely gaze.

"What?" Stephanie asked, shrugging her shoulders. Carlos nudged her shoulder in a warm gesture of support.

I scowled at Helen as she was about to speak again. Instead she tentatively chewed on her finger knuckle, something she hasn't done for a long time. A look of fear crept across her visage.

"Cupcake?" He asked with a degree of hesitancy or did I detect an element of doubt? Doubt in his own actions.

"Was there a question in there, Morelli, because I didn't hear one."

Oh! That's my girl!

"I know you have a house. I like working and I plan to continue working. Why would I want to cook your meals for you? I don't really like cooking."

He was surprised with Stephanie's firm retort. I had to glare at Helen again, making her slump back in her chair, sipping her coffee as a diversion. Morelli looked at her for moral support or some form of encouragement. She avoided his eyes.

In a dither, he fumbled again as he opened the ring box, holding it out to her.

"Hm. It's a ring," she remarked lightly. "Quite nice. But I already have one."

Helen did a double take. Morelli took a moment to translate what she was inferring. His expression changed to dark and brooding. He scowled at Carlos.

"She's mine! I had her first. You always remember your first. It has been ordained."

What the fuck? Mine? He had her first? Oh no he did not imply that. Ordained? By whom? I glared with daggers at Helen. I have had enough. I was about to say something but Carlos took over.

Calmly, Carlos stood up. "Stephanie is her own person and I am proud to say that she is an independent woman. She does not belong to you. She is not some trophy. How dare you speak to my fiancée so disrespectfully. Whatever was allegedly "ordained" is nonsense. This is the twenty-first century, man."

Oh yes! I like his style. He's the man for my Pumpkin. Helen's jaw had dropped. She was stunned.

"Morelli. You need to leave. Now! Take that with you. I do not want to see you here in my home again. Now piss off!"

"Helen! Sit down."

I stopped her in her tracks. I saw him to the door myself. I never said another word to him. He grabbed his coat and practically ran out of the house. I slammed the door behind him. Good riddance, asshole.

"Now. Let's celebrate this wonderful occasion," as I popped the cork on the champagne.

oOoOo

TBC

The characters you recognise belong in the JE's Plumverse. The mistakes are all mine.

As promised, there were no deer hurt or harmed in the making of this story.

One more chapter to come.