Chapter 15


Dean wished he was surprised to find his bed empty. He wished that when he rolled over that the bathroom light would be on or the door would be closed. Instead, the whole room was dim. Light from the window tried to pour in around the edges of the drapes and were it darker, the alarm clock might have cast a dim red light. She wasn't in the bathroom, she wasn't curled up against him, and he couldn't determine how long she'd been gone.

At least, he thought, her things were still there. Even if she were trying to ditch him, she wouldn't leave her things. He was pretty sure of that anyway. That gave him few clues as to where she was. The soft blanket slid smoothly over his bare legs as he swung them over the side of the bed and sat up. His body responded with the protesting cry of stiff muscles. He groaned, stretched, and scrubbed his eyes with the heel of his hands.

Everything had been upended when she came back into his life. He hadn't thought much about her in the 3 years since she broke his heart. He hadn't wanted to think about her. And he was happy with that. Well, he wasn't happy, but he could live with it. Now, he found himself making decisions he wouldn't have considered before. But, for everything he enjoyed about being with her, there was still that dissatisfaction knowing she couldn't or wouldn't be as open with him as he was with her.

Accepting that was more difficult than almost anything else. But then, they'd have a night like last night where, while they didn't end up where he wanted, it wasn't all bad. He couldn't begin to explain to himself or anyone else why sharing a bed with her, just sleeping, was so amazing. He fell asleep faster, stayed asleep longer, and had fewer unpleasant dreams by the simple virtue of her presence. Was it her? Was it the relief of all the pent-up tension he had just by trying to convince her that being together was a good thing? Was it even real?

He'd never wanted to just sleep with someone else. There were a plethora of things he wanted to do with her while they were conscious, but he'd be lying if he claimed restful sleep wasn't an enticement. And when he'd gotten past her rebuffs, those other things were pretty good. And getting better. But was that enough? Was the promise of something better, something more enough to keep putting himself through the highs and lows with her?


He itched for something to do. Or, more accurately, he wanted to know exactly where Mae was and what she was up to but was unwilling to call her and just ask. He knew it was childish, he felt childish because, knowing Mae, she wasn't using this as some form of torment. Wherever she was, she had likely gone there because it was necessary, and she didn't think to wake him so he could tag alone.

Dean checked his watch. He checked his phone. He even did a lap mindlessly through TV channels, hoping to find something remotely interesting. Having no luck in any of his distractions, he decided to dress and drop in on his brother. Even arguing with him about Dad was better than letting his thoughts fester around Mae.

He didn't want his stomach to clench the way it did when he left the room and found her car absent from the parking lot. That didn't mean anything he told himself. She could have run to a pharmacy or a liquor store...anywhere. This was just his fear and insecurity talking. He knew that. But that strange little voice didn't stop on command.

Knocking on the door, he canned the parking lot idly, waiting, perhaps wishing the woman would drive up. He wanted a smile to break out on her face, straight white teeth viable as her lips parted, tiny graceful lines feathering around her stony blue eyes. That twinkle would be there, letting him know that she was genuinely glad to see him. She'd rush up to him, throw her sinewy arms around his neck. She kissed him and when he'd wrap his arms around her waist, lifting her off her feet, it would be almost perfect. But that only happened in his fantasy.

"That was quick," his brother said, affably enough when he opened the door. "Oh."

Dean glowered a bit more as he pushed past his brother and into the room. "What am I? Chopped liver?"

Sam cleared his throat, peering out to see if he would be lucky enough to have Mae following right behind his brother. He wasn't prepared to fight with Dean right then. "No, I just though Mae might be back."

To Dean, his brother shifted in a distinctly nervous fashion. If things were different, if they were dealing with the spell, they'd faced the last time all three of them were together, he would have been jealous. Dean didn't believe anything untoward had happened between Sam and Mae. But Sam did seem keen to avoid him. "She was here?"

"Yeah about 30 minutes ago. She wanted to see what I wanted for lunch. We talked for a while and then she left. Everything okay?"

Dean's brown creased as he sat with a heavy sigh on the edge of the bed. "What did you talk about?"

"I don't know man, just...hunting and stuff. You know, how it is."

Sam though his brother looked almost on the verge of panic. Or rage. Maybe discouragement. Maybe some combination of the three. "You know...this woman drives me insane. If she were any other woman on the face of the earth, I wouldn't waste my time. I mean, at every turn, every time I think things are getting better and she's not completely insane, she pulls back. I can practically feel her counting down the seconds before she bolts."

Again, Sam fell into the role of counselor as Dean needed to talk to someone it seemed. Based on his conversations with Mae, he knew his brother's assessment wasn't totally correct, neither was it completely incorrect. He took a seat in one of the chairs. "Have you considered that, despite your weird history together, that she's still kind of a normal woman, at least when it comes to relationships?"

"What's your point?"

"After all these years, how much time have you really spent together since your falling out? Since you guys made up have you really spent more than a week or so in the same room? Forget about all the crazy stuff with her and dad, the two of you and the spell, or you dying. How much time have you spent just being together?"

"Yeah, a week, maybe a little more. Why?"

"Because, history or not, you're starting over, and you can't expect a week- or however long it might be when you add in the calls... you can't expect that to make her change all of the sudden."

"But we do have a history. She and I know each other. All that stuff that happens when you date someone, where you learn thing about each other, bond, go through stuff that brings you closer, we've done that. We've...done all that stuff."

Sam leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "I'm just sayin', maybe you're missing something, something that she needs. You might have noticed, she's a bit of a control freak. I'm not saying that's bad but..."

"Yeah, she is. But what am I missing? Has she told you? If I knew what it was...I'd do it."

He wasn't sure if his loyalty was more to Mae, because she had confided in him of his brother, who was unexpectedly seeking his advice about a woman. "Well, I mean, she loves you so...how worried do you need to be. Sure, she might go do her own hunts but it's not like she's bailed totally. It's gotten better between you two, at least from my perspective. You two are already sharing a room now. And I have to admit, I'm all in favor of whatever lowers the risk of me walking in on the two of you is a plus for me."

"Wait, what?"

"C'mon, man, I do not want to see my brother...plowing the girl who's like my sister."

"Aside from the heyday any number of shrinks would have with that sentence, I meant the first part of what you said before that. How do you know she loves me?"

Sam's brow furrowed, first in confusion at the question, then in audacity of the notion that his brother didn't understand how he, or anyone for that matter, could think Mae didn't love Dean. "She...said she did."

"Just like that, she told you she loves me? And then...what?"

"I don't know. She just said that she loved you. I didn't think it was a big deal."

"Unbelievable."

"There's no accounting for tastes." He joked. But Dean didn't shoot back some snarky comment, he only frowned. "Like you didn't know."

"No, I knew but not because she told me. She won't tell me. It's like the words will...I don't, active herself destruct of something."

Sam pressed his lips together. He though Dean might not be so far off base. From the bits and pieces, he'd gathered so far, Mae had started hunting again out of college, in secret or on the side until that secret life caught up to her and someone, she cared about died. And she blamed herself. If she had loved that someone, Sam knew just how difficult it could be to let someone get close again for fear of hurting them and getting hurt. Even if she did love Dean, saying it out loud made it rea, something she could lose, something that could be taken. Keeping it to herself gave her cover. That made sense to Sam anyway. "What happened?"

"When we were at her house after we'd gotten her unpossessed, I... let it slip that I... loved her. I told her she didn't have to say it back and... she hasn't. This whole time she hasn't said it back. But them I'm on my death bed, when she should come to me and profess her undying love, tell me I've ruined her for all men, and she'll never love again...she tells you instead?"

Sam's brow arched skeptically, comically. "You ruined all men for her?"

"Dude, you know what I mean. I just don't get it. Why can't she just...tell me, for fuck's sake? It's not like it isn't obvious and it's not like I don't sense it. It's not like it's unrequited."

"Maybe it's a big deal to her. Did she ever say it when you were together before?"

"Of course! She's only become insane recently."

"Maybe she has a good reason."

"Well, I guess if she does, she'd tell you first because she doesn't tell me shit."


Dean sat with what his brother had told him for a moment, trying to figure out what it all meant. Mae had been his first love and certainly the most lasting one he'd ever felt. While his feelings for her had been twisted with distrust and betrayal once, they had returned to normal. But Mae didn't seem to go through that shame change. Of course, they had been operating under two drastically different understandings of that night he had found her with his dad.

Maybe she didn't need to re-calibrate her emotions. Or maybe she did. Clearly, she had some need to distance herself then as she did now. Maybe Sam was right and there was something she needed in order to return to normal with him.

When Mae did return to the motel, she didn't arrive with the warm embrace he had imagined but she did return with food. She had brought Sam his and he and Mae returned to their room. While he was hungry, and the burger and fries she brought back did smell appetizing, he couldn't take his eyes off her.

Was Sam right? Did he need to give this thing more time? It seemed like something they didn't have in abundance, couldn't and shouldn't spare. Not when they had all the right pieces to make something work. She ate her sandwich, oblivious to his scrutiny at first. When she did notice, she gestured at the take-out box in front of him with the French fry in her fingers. "Eat. You have to be starving."

"Yeah."

Then she frowned after her eyes searched his face. "Oh Jesus, what? You can't be mad because I didn't wake you up before I got food. You got a little extra sleep and now you have meat. Bacon and everything."

"It's not that. It's just..."

"What?"

"I get the feeling that...maybe I'm imagining that there's something between us. Or maybe it's not enough of something to make a difference to you."

"That's not remotely true."

"Then not to sound too…too much like a chick here but what is this?"

It wasn't unusual for him to be a little more open with her than normal but his discomfort in talking about the one thing they tiptoed around somehow made it easier. Mae smirked. "I don't know. It's not just... I have feelings for you, feelings that kind of scare me."

"Scare you? What about me or being with me could scare you?"

"I feel something for you I shouldn't, not when... Listen, if you had come back in my life at a different time, this would all be different. Maybe it would easier or harder but either of those would feel more...final, like there was a clear answer. I really need a clear answer because when I get around you, all my clarity goes away. I'm scared of what could happen if I let things go blurry. I guess that doesn't answer your question."

Feeling that this was going to be a longer conversation, Dean now started eating the burger. "I'm a big boy. I don't need you to protect me. And I can protect you if things can get too... blurry."

"No one said you couldn't, but I also don't need someone to protect me. I told you before, I still have a hunt to finish and I've been working on it. I'm not going to tell you all the details. But I've been working on it. And I think I can end it. I have to before I can...move on."

"Why won't you tell me? I know you're after demons." He examined her features, looking for any sort of indication that she was shocked. Maybe shock would make her talk about the real issue. But her face was ever neutral. "I can help. I can hunt anything."

"I know you're capable and I know that...some parts would be easier with help. But the bottom line for me is...there's a lot I'm willing to accept and risk and learn to live with but if you get hurt or worse on this one...I wouldn't ever get over it. It would...break me in ways I can't-"

"Mae..."

"I'm getting there, okay? I'm," she laughed cynically to herself momentarily, "I'm really close. My last gig...I have a good lead on getting the jump on this demon. That's as much as I can give you and I'll understand if it's not enough but...I can't let this one go and I won't let you get killed."

"Mae, you can't be so...naive to think that you and me being together is going to get either of us killed.:

"Give me a little credit. You did just tell your dad that he was stronger without you and Sam in lockstep with him."

"This is different."

Mae closed her eyes for a moment, shook her head. "It's not. I know this demon I'm after, really well, okay? I know that it will use anything I bring with me against me. That means you, maybe Sam, and certainly my emotions. That's its...greatest weapon.:

"Then why...why start up with me at all?"

She had, of course, thought about just that. "If you recall, I did try. I didn't-I didn't plan for this."

Dean laughed, causing her to frown. "What?"

"Nothing, just something Sam said. But you could have...when we first met up again, you could have just lingered in the distance, you didn't need to let me know, you didn't have to join us."

"I know. I know. I... your dad called me and asked me to look in on you after he went off the radar, hunting down your demon pretty much full time. And believe me, I have asked myself more than once why I didn't just say no. But-well, he's been helping me too, with my demon. Or maybe he's just been using me to deal with the ones he can't get to...I don't know."

Dean paused both eating and talking with her for at least a minute. "You think?"

"It...it kinda makes sense. He's been sending you and Sam on jobs, cases he's been keeping an eye on for years."

"Shit."

"Well...it's not the worst thing. I would have helped him do just that. And I thought I'd just scope you out from a distance from time to time, tell Dean you were okay. Seeing you again, it was just too hard. The fighting at least kept us at a distance, emotionally. But that didn't change-I mean, I don't think whatever is going on between us is routed just in growing up together or whatever goes along with someone being your first love. You have to admit, this thing between us is really...weird."

"It's a good weird though."

"Yeah, good weird and believe me, I would love to just..." Mae leaned back from the table, "You know, I told you brother that this is who I am now, who I've always been, and I don't really anticipate doing anything but hunt. I know after this demon, there will be another one, not a personal but yeah. And there doesn't seem to be a shortage of evil things out there."

"You're right. So why not find whatever little bit of fun or, dare I say, happiness where we can?"

"Hey, I'm not saying no. In fact, I really want that, which is a...is something I haven't felt in a while. I just need you to...trust me. I need to do this, and I need to not worry about seeing you dead because of me. I know that's not the answer you want, it's not the answer you're looking for, but I can't bend on this."

Dean pushed the now empty to-go container away from him. Having talked more, Mae wasn't finished, and it gave him the opportunity to steal a fry from her box. "In the meantime, we get so close to being close."

"If this is about sex, like I said we can bang it out and see if that fixes things," She scooted away from the table and began unbuttoning her jeans. "Listen, have a blast, just don't touch my side or make me breath too hard."

He laughed and rolled his eyes at her. "Yeah, not getting to touch a hot chick while she breaths normally, that sounds like so much fun. Keep your pants on, Red. It's not about sex, not really. Well, not totally. I mean, yeah, I think it's clear we've got this crazy chemistry and we've never been more able to act on it. If you were any other girl..."

Dean took a deep breath as he watched her fasten her jeans again.

"I know you want...more. But, right now, if I let myself jump in with both feet, throw away all my planning and caution...I'll be lost."

There was a vulnerability in her eyes he rarely saw as she spoke. The feeling mirrored in his soul but rather than run from it, he wanted to embrace it. Being lost with her was the best possible sensation, at least the few times he'd ventured close enough to it to feel that way. "Lost?"

"C'mon, I can't be the only one who feels...encompassed when we're together. It's different from lust or love or..." she closed her eyes, "I've never felt like this with anyone else. I've been in love before, I've been consumed with desire, but this is something so different. I don't even know what it is, what I'd call it, but I know I could easily..."

She trailed off but Dean absolutely understood the sensation. That overwhelming craving to simply be near her. It wrapped all his longing, affection, and contentment together that made whatever they were doing better than doing any of them with anyone else.

"You know, I want to fight this out with you 'til we got things figured out. That's always my first instinct with you."

Her heartache lessened just a bit. "You want the thing we figure out to be what you want."

"I don't think I'm wrong."

"I don't think I'm wrong either."

"I have this feeling like we're supposed to be together."

"I know. Me too. But that doesn't change my math. It makes it stronger if anything. We can't be together if you're dead and if I was the reason you died...I couldn't forgive myself."

He frowned, frustrated. He and Mae were on the same page, but it seemed like neither of them would budge from their positions. He understood hers though and she understood his. He reached across the table to place a hand on hers.

"I get that. I don't want to see you dead either. But we're here and I'm tired of going around and around on what we're doing. I want you to be honest with me. I want to be honest with you. And I want us to deal with the things bothering us. I'm not good at walkin' on eggshells around you and I don't like to do it. I don't want one day for us to be fine and the next leave me wondering if you're going to run off. Now, if that's too much, tell me now."

She was quiet. It made him worry that she might say it was too much for her. "No," She finally said, "it's not too much but…" another sigh broke her speech as she realized he was going to make her say it, "I still can't...I'm not okay with putting you at risk because I enjoy being with you."

"I don't know who you lost, but that's what this is about, right? Someone you loved got hurt by this demon you're dead set on hunting alone and you think it's your fault."

"It is, okay? It was absolutely my fault."

"Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't but I am not some guy off the street. I am... well, I'm really good at this. It's the only thing I've ever done. And I am willing to take the risk of being a target. Not just to be with you but if this were just some random demon or creature, I'd put myself in the line, same as you. And, no offense Mae, but if you think that feeling some way for me can only be used by a demon when you're within a certain distance of me, well then, you're not as good at this job as you think."

Dean nearly smirked at her pout. "I don't think that. But I can't make sense of what I want and what I need."

A year ago, he never would have imagined any of this. A year ago, his life was not anything close to what he wanted but at least it was simpler, more predictable. He didn't think his brother would be pulled back into the lifestyle, he didn't think his dad would go off on his own like this for as long as he had, and he certainly didn't think he'd make up with Mae, let alone longing for her to be in his life more. He thought she was a distant memory and a woman he would never see again. Even six months ago, he wouldn't have assumed he would end up sharing a bed with her and hoping to continue that practice.

And he had his answer to whether all of the turmoil was worth it. Because the thought of losing what he had now when he could do something to change it hurt too much. He gave her hand another squeeze as he closed his eyes for a moment. There was still one thing left for him to ask, however. "Hey Red? One more thing."

"What?" She asked quietly.

"Start hunting with me again?"

The End


A/N-That's the end of Swing Your Heartache. The story will pick right up in The Truth Between You and Me! As always, thank you for the kind reviews and messages!