Chapter 20. The Beginning of the End

Soon after Bucky's return to training Ariel received her first letter of 1943 from him with some unexpected news. He was to undergo further training in tactics and leadership in preparation for a promotion to Sergeant. Along with the promotion would be a raise in pay. In the letter he told her about his plans for them.

Since we got engaged, I've been saving what I could from my pay checks on the dock, then from my army pay. I've saved up a considerable amount, enough for a good down payment on a brownstone. Once I make Sergeant, I'll send most of my army pay home for my parents to deposit into the savings account. As soon as I return, we can buy a house under the GI bill that they're talking about. I'm not saying we need to have children right away. I can wait until you're ready but when you are we'll have a nice place to raise our family.

Although Ariel was at first distressed at his focus on preparing for the future, on reflection she accepted that he was showing her by his actions how much he loved her. When Merton first caught them in bed and kicked Bucky out, he had wanted to elope then, suggesting they lived in a furnished rented flat. Not all of them were nice places, although Steve's was acceptable for a single man. Bucky's decision to save up to buy a nice place was an indicator of his commitment to her, and to their marriage. In many ways it also displayed how much he had matured from the flirtatious ladies' man he was known to have been before they met.

In her reply letter to him she praised him for thinking ahead, then added she had savings as well that she would put towards linens, dishes, and cutlery. She gave him another picture of herself taken by a newspaper photographer of her on a ladder reaching for the top of a tall book pile to add another book to it. It was for a newspaper article on the efforts of New York Public Libraries to collect books to send to the soldiers overseas. The library administration referred the photographer to their branch to get a photo of her in proper librarian attire, but he still had her reach far enough above her head to reveal more of her legs than would be considered professional. She sent a clipping of the article as she was identified in it.

A few weeks later he responded with another letter expressing his delight at the picture of Ariel at work. He also enjoyed the newspaper article and had it tacked onto the wall above his bunk, next to the St. Patrick's Day poster. There wasn't much he was permitted to say about the training he was receiving, considering it was about tactics but did say that he found the study of military tactics quite fascinating. Considering that some of what he was learning was from military campaigns throughout the ages he thought he might like to read some classical literature written as far back as the Roman and Greek campaigns. It was more proof of the quick mind he possessed as he always strove to educate himself.

Throughout those first months of 1943 that they corresponded he spoke more of when they could marry. To Ariel, it seemed he was gauging her interest once again to marry before he was called to the front. She found it distressing and struggled not to show that in her letters to him. Confiding in Merton on occasion he wasn't able to tell her anything new to deal with the uneasiness she felt as the time came closer to when Bucky would be on his final leave before Europe. That date, a fact known historically, would happen just days before Steve Rogers underwent his transformation into Captain America.

In mid-April, Ariel received a letter from Bucky that mentioned almost casually that several others also in tactical training were actively planning to get married during their leave before they shipped out. Scuttlebutt in their camp was that they would be released May 28 and ordered to report the morning of June 5 to Fort Hamilton, to await embarkation to England later that day. She read and re-read the letter, trying to determine from the subtext if he was planning to pressure her again. He had been apologetic about it during his previous leaves but the prospect that he would increase his efforts in person troubled Ariel. She was so concerned about it that she went to see Mrs. Barnes on a Monday that she had off. Waiting until Mr. Barnes went to work, and Rebecca went to school she phoned and asked if she could drop by. Always welcomed by the older woman she arrived shortly after the phone call. As soon as Mrs. Barnes opened the door Ariel burst into tears and was immediately ushered into the house.

"What's wrong Ariel?" she asked kindly.

"Has Bucky given you any indication that he wants to get married on his upcoming leave?" asked the younger woman bluntly. "He's hinted about it in most of his letters and I'm terrified he's going to pressure me until I say yes."

There was no answer for several moments and Mrs. Barnes took several deep breaths before answering.

"He loves you so much. In his letters he has expressed the desire to marry you before he leaves. He tries so hard to understand your uneasiness about the ceremony but then he expresses the fear that perhaps you don't love him as much as he loves you. I'm sorry to tell you this but you must know that with it being almost certain he is leaving for the front what he asks isn't that outrageous, is it?"

Ariel stood up as if she had been struck across the face. If Mrs. Barnes was now questioning why she wouldn't commit to marrying Bucky before he left, she wasn't sure she was strong enough to say no to him.

"Does he not trust me to remain faithful to him?" she asked.

"Of course, he trusts you," was his mother's reply. "Ariel, you wouldn't be alone while he is gone. Your uncle would be here, we would be here. We would support you while he is gone but having you here as his wife would be something that perhaps would bring him home safely."

"A piece of paper and a wedding band would change things that much? I'm sorry but I don't agree with that. I wear his engagement ring, I have accepted our wedding bands to keep them safe until he returns, with a promise to marry him as soon as he does so. Why isn't that enough for him?"

"It just isn't, I guess," replied the older woman. "I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you something different."

Ariel slowly got up and went to the door, turning back briefly to Mrs. Barnes. "I wish I could tell you something different as well."

Without waiting for a response, she left the brownstone and began the walk back to the antique shop. She didn't look back, so she didn't see Mrs. Barnes watch her walk away, worried about the state of mind Ariel was in. When the older woman went back inside, she sat at her writing desk and wrote to her son. It wasn't a long letter, but it was heartfelt. She spent a little time on pleasantries and neighbourhood news, then she told him she was concerned about Ariel and his plan to get married before he shipped out.

My dear son, I must caution you to approach the subject of marriage to Ariel with delicacy. I've had a visit with her, and she is terrified that you will pressure her to marry when she is not emotionally ready for it. In her mind, her engagement and promise to wait for you should be sufficient. She wonders if you truly trust her to remain faithful and worries that you believe her promise isn't enough. While I am still of the opinion that she is the right girl for you I worry that your insistence on marrying before you go to the front will produce the exact opposite response from Ariel. The result, if she says no, could be devastating for both of you. Please, Bucky, consider thoroughly what you are asking of your fiancée.

She wasn't sure what else she could say to him, but she wasn't sure that her entreaties would make a difference. Bucky was always a confident boy, sure of himself, especially where the opposite sex was concerned. Winnifred Barnes worried that he had overestimated his ability to convince Ariel that they should get married on his leave. She was also concerned what his response would be if Ariel refused. Would he feel humiliated enough to break it off, permanently? Hopefully not because that would hurt both of them deeply.

May 30, 1943

The train pulled into Grand Central Terminal, slowly decelerating until it stopped. Standing up Bucky pulled his duffle bag off of the top rack, then stepped aside so Dum Dum and Gabe could do the same. Slowly they filed off behind the steady stream of soldiers also leaving the various train cars and walked towards the exit gate to the stairs which would take them up to the great hall.

"Thank God this was a shorter train ride," said Dum Dum. "I don't feel too tired to play with my boys."

"Do you think the fourth one will be a boy?" asked Bucky, his mind more on getting up into the hall.

"I won't know until I see Kathleen," replied the big man, "see how she's carrying. My mam always said you could tell. Don't know if it's true but women know more about that than men. I hope it's a girl. Three active boys are a lot for a woman to handle. If this were a boy as well, I would expect my wife to go grey by the time I get back."

He watched the younger man begin to crane his neck as they approached the top of the stairs, obviously hoping his fiancée had made the trip again to pick him up. Barnes had already confided in both him and Gabe that he planned to be a married man when he reported to Fort Hamilton. His heart was set on it. As they stepped onto the main floor of the great hall they saw Ariel, and Dum Dum saw something else, his own wife and three sons. As soon as they saw him, they exploded, crying out his name and running as fast as their little legs could go towards him. Kneeling down he scooped all three of them up into his arms and kissed them. His wife, wearing a maternity dress, approached with a soft smile.

"Mr. Martino gave us a free ride in his taxi," she said. "Said it was the least he could do before you went off to war."

Dum Dum turned to say goodbye to the others. Gabe was still looking for someone in his family and waved goodbye. He noticed Bucky and his fiancée holding each other, while an older man waited. With a wave Dum Dum and his family headed for the exit.

"I thought you would be working, Dad," said Bucky. "I'm surprised to see you here."

"I hurt my back," replied the older man. "Doc told me to take the weekend off and rest it. Ariel was going to come for you but Mr. Burnett sold a big piece of furniture and needed the van to deliver it so I said I would drive. Let's see those sergeant stripes."

Bucky turned to show the stripes on the arm of his jacket. His dad patted him on the back then began walking to the terminal door. From there the three of them walked to where the car was parked and his father handed him the keys indicating Bucky could drive, with Ariel in the front seat with him. Other than the welcoming kiss she had barely said two words.

"Steve working today?" asked Bucky as he started up the car.

"He's not around," replied Ariel. "Said he had to go out of town for a few days."

Bucky looked at her and frowned. "What does he have to go out of town for?"

His dad leaned forward. "I think he's trying to enlist again. With you back only to go on to England he got it in his head that perhaps he can be successful if he tries again. He's going to get himself arrested if he's not careful."

"What's your schedule this week?" asked Bucky of Ariel, softly.

"Tuesday to Saturday," she replied, looking out the window. "Late on Wednesday and Thursday."

"Any chance you can get any days off?" Bucky turned his head towards Ariel as he drove. "With me having to report Saturday morning we don't have much time together."

"I'll ask," she said, still looking out the window.

He said nothing in response to her but kept up a conversation with his dad about various things. When he arrived at his parent's house, they all went inside, and Mrs. Barnes gave him a big hug and a kiss. It was almost dinner time and she asked Ariel to help her get it on the table while Bucky washed up. He came down in a plain shirt and trousers, looking more muscular in his civilian clothes than he had before he left. Rebecca sat across from Bucky and Ariel, watching them closely. She noticed there was tension between them but thought it was because Bucky would be leaving for the real war in a week.

"Bucky?" asked Rebecca. "Do you know where they're sending you?"

He smiled at his sister. "They don't tell us that until we're on the ocean, Becks. Loose lips sink ships."

"Are you scared?"

"Rebecca Barnes, stop pestering your brother," said Mrs. Barnes, sharply.

"It's okay Ma," said Bucky, glancing at Ariel. "Yeah, I'm scared but all my training has taught me how to accept that fear and still do the job. It's what I have to do, that's all."

The younger girl nodded and he smiled at her, knowing that she was likely looking for validation of her own fear. He winked at her and she smiled back at him. Ariel said nothing, barely looking at him, and he thought of the last letter his mother sent him about her own fear. It still bothered him that she resisted his attempts to get married.

"Ma, did you get a balance for my account?" he asked.

She looked at him. Why would he ask that now, with Ariel sitting beside him? Going over to her writing desk she pulled his bank book out and handed it to him. She knew the amount, $2247.13, but she was from a generation that thought it was bad manners to discuss finances in front of others. He nodded at seeing the amount written in the bank book and put it back into her writing desk. Sitting down at the table after bringing the last dish out Winnifred Barnes nodded at her husband, and he said grace before they began helping themselves to the food. Ariel took very little, then said she wasn't very hungry. She barely ate what she had taken and didn't want dessert. When Bucky was finished, he leaned towards her, whispered in her ear to which she nodded.

"Ma, I'm going to walk Ariel home," said Bucky. "She's not feeling well."

He put a jacket on then opened the door for Ariel, heading down to the sidewalk ahead of her then holding his hand out for her. She took it and they began the walk to the antique store. When they approached a certain intersection Bucky stopped.

"Can I show you something?" he asked, then motioned towards the street they were on. They walked for a couple of blocks, and he stopped in front of a nicely kept brownstone with a For Sale sign on it. Ariel looked at it with trepidation.

"With what I've saved I have enough for a good down payment on this home," he said. "I've been corresponding with the estate agent and it's in good repair, has a new natural gas furnace, new hot water heater, has been repainted, and the flooring has all been resurfaced. If we go to City Hall tomorrow we can get the licence, get married Tuesday, and move in here by Wednesday. You'll have a home while I'm gone because you'll be on the deed as my wife."

Ariel began to protest but Bucky grasped her hand.

"You don't have to answer this moment," he said. "Just think about it tonight. I don't want to go to Europe without you as my wife, Ariel. Please, don't say anything now. Sleep on it and tell me tomorrow."

Nodding silently, Ariel looked up at him and saw how earnest he was. She wished she could say yes because she loved him that much. Wrapping her arms around his waist she closed her eyes as she pressed her cheek into his chest, taking in his clean scent, feeling his muscular body and wanting it as hers, just hers. They broke apart and he kept his arm around her shoulder, holding her close as he turned back towards the shop. The brownstone was exactly midway between his parent's home and Merton's apartment. Bucky really was trying to please her with this offer.

At the stairwell he didn't come up, saying he didn't want to pressure her, but he kissed her tenderly and held her close before touching her cheek and saying "Goodnight." She watched him as he walked back towards his parent's home before heading up the stairs. Merton was sitting, reading a Sunday newspaper. He watched her come in, go to her room, come out, then go back in again. With a sigh he stood up and looked inside her room, seeing her looking out of her window.

"Want to talk?" he asked.

She sat on the bed, so he pulled the chair up and sat across from her.

"He showed me a brownstone, halfway between here and his parent's house," she said in an almost monotone. "He has enough for a down payment and wants to get a marriage licence tomorrow, married Tuesday, and move into the brownstone on Wednesday." Her lips trembled and the tears began streaming from her eyes. "I love him, Merton and I want to say yes in the worst way. He wants an answer tomorrow."

"But you can't," he said gently. "It's not possible."

He took a deep breath then switched to the bed, so he was sitting beside her. As he put his arm around her, she began to cry, and it broke his heart. This woman, his real daughter – even though she didn't know it, was hurting so badly and there was nothing he could say or do to help her. It was always going to end this way, if she was successful in establishing a relationship with him. Neither he nor Peri thought Ariel would love Bucky as much as she did. At that moment, Merton hated his job, hated the constrictions of it, hated that her assignment was a man who had an effect on history that prevented her from staying with him where she wanted to be. All he could do was hold her and let her cry it out. When her crying had subsided to deep but occasional sobs, he took her shoes off, pulled her quilt off the bed and guided her under the cover. Then he sat and stroked her hair until she fell asleep. After kissing her on top of her head he turned off the light and closed the door.

He should report this to Peri but what was the use? The response would be the same; there could be no marriage. Opening his kitchen cupboard, he pulled out his bottle of scotch and poured himself half a glass. Hesitating for a moment he downed it, then put the bottle back into the cupboard, turned off the lights and went to bed. Tomorrow, it would all come to a head.

When he got up in the morning Ariel was already up and dressed for work. "Mrs. Houseman called; Alma is sick so I'm going in for her today. I'll get tomorrow off."

"You're sure you want to do this?" he asked, concerned that she was running away from giving Bucky an answer.

"We're just switching days," she replied. "No big deal."

She put her coat on and took her purse, then kissed Merton on the cheek, heading out the door. There was coffee left so he poured himself a cup, then made himself some scrambled eggs. He was eating them when he heard footsteps coming up the stairs and a knock at the door. Yelling that it was open he looked, not surprised to see it was Bucky.

"Is Ariel up?" he asked. "We were going to spend the day together."

"She was called into the library," replied Merton. "Someone was sick. She's trading days with them, so she'll get tomorrow off. Pour yourself a coffee."

Nodding, Bucky did so and sat at the table with Merton, looking distracted as he sipped the hot drink.

"Why is she avoiding me?" he asked, turning his gaze to Merton.

"She got called in," said Merton. "What makes you think she's avoiding you?"

"We hardly said a dozen words to each other yesterday," replied the younger man. "She doesn't seem happy. Is she ... is she planning on ending it with me?"

Merton stopped eating and looked at Bucky, feeling his pain and confusion. "She doesn't want to," he replied carefully. "She just doesn't want to get married yet."

Bucky stared at the coffee. "Why? The real reason, not the one she keeps repeating to me."

"You don't believe it terrifies her?" asked Merton. "Why is it so important to you that you get married now and not when you return?"

For the longest time he didn't answer then he sniffed and looked at Merton. "I'm afraid I'm not coming home," he answered. "If we get married then there's something that anchors me here, something strong and real that will give me a reason to come through it all."

"It's just a piece of paper and a ring," said Merton, gently. "She's already said she'll be waiting for you. Why don't you believe in her?"

"Because she's beautiful and vulnerable and I know that someone will convince her that I'm not coming back. They'll overwhelm her and play on her fears."

"That could happen even if she is married to you, but it won't either way because she doesn't want anyone else, just you. Take my advice, don't pressure her. She's feeling it now and you may lose her if you push too hard."

Merton had his hand on Bucky's wrist as he spoke, then removed it as he took a drink of his own coffee.

"I want her to have my child," whispered Bucky, "and I can't ... I won't do that unless we're married. If I don't come back, I want to leave something behind, something that said I was here and I was loved."

"You are loved, Bucky, very much so," replied Merton. "Her trauma from losing her mother, then being rejected by her father, affected her deeply. That's not an easy thing to overcome and you asking her to have a child with the very distinct possibility that you won't be here to help raise it terrifies her."

"Other women do it," he replied. "Dum Dum Dugan has three boys under the age of four and another on the way. His wife handles it. Why can't Ariel?"

"She just can't. I'm trying to help you here but insisting that she has to marry you, has to have your child, it's not going to make her say yes."

"Then what will?" he cried, his eyes glistening. "I've never loved anyone like I love her, and I feel like I'm losing her. Why am I not good enough?"

Merton sighed and ran his hand through his hair. Bucky obviously had his own issues which were driving this.

"You are good enough," he stated in as calm a voice as he could. "She loves you just as deeply but she's terrified that if she says no, you will leave her. She doesn't want that. She just wants you to wait."

"I can't," he said, after a long moment. "I have to know if I'm worth marrying. If I'm not then ... maybe we're not meant to be."

He stood up, breathing heavily, and walked to the door, opening it.

"I'm sorry, but if she won't marry me then I'm going to end it."

Exiting and closing the door behind him, Bucky's heavy footsteps were the only sound going down the stairs. Merton knew for certain that it was over and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it. Putting his dirty dishes in the sink he began getting ready to open the store. This was going to be the longest day of his life, waiting for an ending that was going to hurt both of them, deeply.

When Ariel arrived home from work she didn't stop in at the store. Instead, she went upstairs to the apartment and began making supper. A sense of dread had hovered over her all day, and she knew that it would be over between her and Bucky. Both of them were too set in their resolve not to give in. It reminded her of a time when she was young and she broke an ornament, one that her mother loved. Repeatedly told not to handle it she had done exactly that and dropped it, shattering it into little pieces. All day she waited for her mother to come home, waited to be judged, and admonished. It had affected her so much that she developed stomach pains, crying from the pain by the time her mother arrived. Worried that Ariel was suffering from appendicitis her mother took her to the hospital, only to be told it was anxiety causing her distress. As Ariel continued preparing the meal, she felt the pain of her anxiety in her stomach building. By the time Merton came upstairs Ariel felt sick to her stomach and ran to the bathroom to throw up. She came out and went straight to her room, lying down on top of the covers. Merton prepared a hot water bottle and brought it in to her, placing it next to her stomach. Smiling weakly at him she accepted it and kept it pressed to her core.

Taking matters into his own hands Merton phoned the Barnes house and told Bucky that Ariel was sick, had thrown up and was now in bed with severe stomach pains. After several moments of silence he agreed not to come over until the following day. A reprieve, temporary, but enough to make sure that Ariel could be ready for the next day. Merton went into the bedroom and kneeled beside her, saying that Bucky wouldn't come over until tomorrow.

"It doesn't change anything, Merton," she said weakly. "But thank you for trying to give me more time."

He kissed her forehead and stroked her hair then left her. As he looked at the meal she had prepared he realized he wasn't hungry, and he put everything away in the ice box. It would keep.